1128 lines
52 KiB
Plaintext
1128 lines
52 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 57
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####========================================================####
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"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
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Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
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Editor: mal@sit.sop.fau.edu
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Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
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HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: send a mail message to the HailOtis address saying
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subscribe me and you will be subscribed. It's easy and painless and it's
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next to impossible to goof up.
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Another issue. Late as usual. I'll blame it on recovering from the
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Heethormas. Yeah that's the ticket. Let this be a lesson to you all. An
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Otisian needs to be quick witted. With a little practice in mental
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gymnastics even the most green Otisian can run mental circles around the
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likes of the typical slow witted pamphlet hander outer, be they Christians
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or selling aluminum siding salesmen.
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I suppose another excuse that comes to mind is having to go push the
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internet at a convention. Hopefully some of our new subscribers
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accidentally stumbled upon the assortment of Otisian faq files I had placed
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in a vaguely conspicuous spot. [And those of you who are now known to be on
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the internet will have this foisted upon you as sacred duty entails.] Still
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there is a lesson to be learned in all this! Merchandising! Otis can spread
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the word though merchandising. Under the right conditions any person, even
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people without a single thin dime will buy merchandise. You just have to
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get them in the right mood. You have to inspire their buying urge. This is
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best done by setting yourself up at the correct place and time. For example
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those several dozen Otisians who live in the Buffalo area could easily set
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up a small concession stand at or around Niagara Falls. Put the Otisian
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symbol on anything having to do with the falls and it will sell! Honest. Go
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to any tourist trap in America, or a SF convention for that matter. Take
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Rock City for example. You can spell out "See Rock City" in yak dung and
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someone is going to buy it. Hell, you can really draw in the crowds if you
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had a "Make your own yak dung Rock City Sign" booth set up with a yak or
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two. (Of course, those doing this kind of concession should write to the
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IGHF so they can be well briefed on the 10,000 rebuttals to that chronic
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yak tossing rumor).
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Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, getting the truth of Otis to the
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unwashed masses. I had the opportunity to view tourism and shopping
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madness over the Heethormas season though my pilgrimage across the country
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along with attending the above mentioned convention to Push Otis (which
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alas I probably did a retched job of for various and sundry reasons.)
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Anyway I had many opportunities to view people and let me tell you.
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They'll buy anything! Honest to Spode. Just set them up right and they'll
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buy it. Okay so you say to yourself, so I'm selling stuff right? What's
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that going to do for Otis? So I put the four pointed arrow on a bunch of
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old drift wood and sell it. How is that helping Otis!
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Use your head! Don't panic! Remember your training. What's the fourth
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commandment of Otis? SEND US MONEY! Yeah that's the ticket! Send Otis a
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tithe as it were. You don't need to send it all, though you're less likely to
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receive a visit from our copyright lawyers or brow for that matter. Second
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not only put the Otisian Symbol on the item. Put the IGHF address! Put the
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four commandments. Hell put something about Elvis on it! We all know that WILL
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sell! Cross out IGHF and put Intergalactic Elvis Fan Club in the address!
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Lord knows how many times that's helped in the past. How many deluded white
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trash living in tornado attracting trailer parks have been saved when
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they've accidentally send in money to the IGHF masquerading at the
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Intergalactic Elvis Fan club? The only kind of trailer home that won't
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attract tornadoes is one blessed by Otis.
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If you are truly interested in this material you may also want to write to
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the IGHF about joining the growing number of Saint Spare Part Reseller
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Vendors. For a small fee you to can have a lucrative franchise in the
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growing field of real, or fake relics for that matter. You can't loose with
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this money making deal. Even if Otisians don't buy relics (and really they
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should) you've got the Catholics! It's simple logic. How many people have
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been sainted lately by them? Not many really? And everyone knows to build a
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new Cathedral or Altar or even a public fountain you need to imbed some
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moldy old body part of a saint in it. Well that supply of saint parts is
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rapidly being depleted. Soon they'll be frantic and looking in their local
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phone book will discover YOUR Otisian franchises who'll be happy to vend to
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them a full scale aluminum and plastic mock up of the whale that swallowed
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Jonah. Of course this isn't a relic of a saint, but they still may buy
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one. What god fearing Christian wouldn't be proud to display real Biblical
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Proof in the own front yard. And if they don't like the whale, you've
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always got a few spare heads of John the Baptist lying around. With a few
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simple parts for radio shack and some plans you purchased from the IGHF you
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can turn their relic from a rotten old skull into a neon light show that
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tells fortunes and draws in the parishioners by the thousands. For a few
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extra dollars it can even keep the church books! Now there's a whale of a
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deal.
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Still let us not belittle relics because they do exist. As you know Mal
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possesses two objects from the sacred Bathroom Set of Otis. It was a
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remarkable find when he stumbled across the Flamingo headed Toilet Plunger
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when it mysterious materialized in his beach side residence. This very relic
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deflected hurricane Andrew and made it got to the south devastating the
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homes of thousands of unbelievers instead of wiping out the headquarters
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of Purps. Sad to say much about this relic cannot be discussed openly
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seeing as it's secret powers have not been cleaned with the all the Church
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elders yet, nor has Doc Simpson been able to find time in his buy schedule
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to do more archival research on the device. The other relic is revealed
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below.
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Yes this issue has a vague theme! Relics and Dogs with Guns.
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Enjoy!
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####===================================================================####
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Carl Sagan
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####===================================================================####
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Subject: Carl Sagan
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From: PAUL.GELSMAN@SATALINK.COM
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 94 01:27:00 -0640
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Subject: Carl Sagan
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From: jgriffit@nyx.cs.du.edu (Jonathan Griffitts)
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Subject: Carl Sagan
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I heard an interesting story on the radio yesterday:
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It seems that there is a project at Apple Computer that was code-named
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"Carl Sagan." Apparently Dr. Sagan himself heard of this and contacted
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Apple to object to the use of his name.
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Apple complied by renaming the project to "Butt-head Astronomer."
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Can anyone out there in net-land vouch for this story? In my opinion, even
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if it isn't true, its funny enough to enter the folklore anyway.
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I heard this on the "Marketplace Radio" show, from American Public Radio.
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####===================================================================####
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SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS
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####===================================================================####
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From: gltrw@mail.bris.ac.uk (Toni Woodward)
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Subject: Elvis/Jesus Joke Date:
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Tue, 4 Jan 1994 13:05:53 GMT
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[ Author was Brad L. Littlejohn ]
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[ Posted on Sun, 2 Jan 1994 02:41:05 GMT ]
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SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS
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Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
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Elvis said: "Don't be Cruel." (RCA, 1956)
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Jesus is the lord's shepherd.
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Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
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Jesus was a part of a trinity.
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Elvis' first band was a trio.
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Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
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Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
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Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
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Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafai, had 12 members.
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Jesus was resurrected.
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Elvis had a famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
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Jesus said: "If anyman thirst let him come unto me and drink." (John 7:37)
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Elvis said: "Drinks are on me." (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
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Jesus was a Capricorn. (December 25)
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Elvis was a Capricorn. (January 8)
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Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
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Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis:A Golden Tribute)
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"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning and his raiment white as snow."
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(Matthew 28:3)
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Elvis wore snow white jump suits with lightning bolts. (Los Vegas, 1968)
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Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land.
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Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern stste.
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Jesus was first and foremost the son of God.
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Elvis first recorded with Sun Records, which today are considered to be his
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foremost recordings.
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Jesus was the lamb of God.
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Elvis wore mutton chop sideburns.
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Jesus' father is everywhere.
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Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
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Jesus was a carpenter.
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Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
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Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
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Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
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Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
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Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
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No one knows what the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stood for.
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No one is really sure if Elvis' middle name was Aron or Aaron.
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Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
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Elvis like his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
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####===================================================================####
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What I learned from 1993
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####===================================================================####
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From: jld7@jaguar.uofs.edu
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Subject: Learning from 1993
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Date: 8 Jan 94 01:01:18 EST
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From: richardr@lars.acc.stolaf.edu (SnowDog)
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Subject: Learning From The Past...
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Date: Tue, 4 Jan 1994 04:35:55 GMT
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SMRY: Learning from the past...
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I like to live the kind of life where regrets are not impediments, but
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building blocks. Something to learn from. I thought I would share with
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you a few things I've learned in 1993.
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1. I won't marry Lorena Bobbitt.
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2. I don't like Beavis and Butthead, but they provide a very important
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lesson: Don't play with matches.
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3. Kill any siblings named 'Latoya.'
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4. Jurrassic Park taught me to stand very still and remain calm when
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lookin down the throat of a large lizard with big teeth. Especially when
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in the car.
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5. David Letterman taught me that you can be popular and make 42 million
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dollars while insulting yuppies.
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6. When someone says they have an "average" body, it's somewhere between
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avacado and plum shaped.
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7. Barney is the Anti-Christ.
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8. Guns don't kill people. Ammunition does.
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9. Handwriting recognition software is fun at parties.
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10. Even Lyle Lovett can get lucky.
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11. I hope I can look as good as Lassie when I'm 350 (dog) years old.
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12. There are no gays in the military. At least, they aren't supposed to
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admit it.
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13. I need to drink more to stave off the effects cigarettes have on my
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hearing
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14. People ask Marilyn the stupidest questions.
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15. Henry Winkler is 3 years younger than my dad (though, I'd still date
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Henry, if he asked me out.).
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16. Al Gore is really kinda cool (in a 'knotty pine' sort of way). I hope
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he runs for president someday. I'd date him too.
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17. My parents are conservatives.
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18. The Internet is a great new way to meet people, exchange ideas and
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validate your existence by getting on 50 or 60 mailing lists.
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19. Mayor Frank Jordan should be thrown off the GG Bridge with Angela
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Alioto tied around his neck.
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20. Ross Perot is a ninny. Well, actually, I already knew that but it was
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refreshing to see it on Larry King.
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21. Homelessness is a crime. Actually, I didn't have a clue about that
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until Frank Jordan burned the constitution. Does the matrix program make
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us a police state or a state of denial?
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22. Matrix used to be the name of a night club. Apparently you could be
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arrested if you asked someone to dance.
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23. Howard Stern can write! However, the crayola was smudged in my copy of
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his book.
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24. Rush Limbaugh can write! I must have gone through 4 bottles of motrin
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trying to get through his book.
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25. Prozac is this generation's equivalent to valium.
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26. Marijuana makes me sneeze. I didn't inhale, by the way. I think. It's
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hard to remember...well, maybe I did.
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27. I don't understand modern art. A 'Power-Shop-Vac' in a glass box with
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a $300,000 price tag confused me.
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28. Anne Rice is the Messiah. Actually, I think it would only be fair for
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god to send 'his only begotten son' back as a woman. Especially a woman
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who says "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body."
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29. Gay men are so sarcastic.
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30. And, because I didn't want to end on an odd number : Don't cook over an
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open fire while wearing lame`.
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####===================================================================####
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Dogs and Guns
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####===================================================================####
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From: ltwilkes@news.delphi.com (LTWILKES@DELPHI.COM)
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Subject: Too many dogs
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Date: 9 Jan 1994 17:41:23 -0500
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WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HERSELF
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By John C. Ensslin, Rocky Mountain News Staff Writer
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A Denver woman who routinely fired gunshots into the ceiling to
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stop her 10 dogs from fighting accidentally shot herself, police said
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Wednesday.
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Police took away the gun Tuesday night after Marilyn Anderson, 47,
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shot herself while she and her husband tried to quell another fight among
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the dogs.
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Anderson, of 3130 W. Kentucky Ave., faces animal cruelty charges
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for having so many dogs in her home.
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She told officers she would fire one round into the ceiling when
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the dogs - described as medium to large - got into a fight.
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"You get 10 of them fighting and you've got you're hands full,"
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said Detective Gene Shaw, who described the dogs as a mix of black
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Labrador and German shepherd.
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The noise usually stopped them, but for some reason the gunshots
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didn't work Tuesday, police said.
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Anderson used a .25 caliber automatic, Shaw said.
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Anderson told police she forgot she had put a bullet in the gun
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and shot herself as she went to clear the weapon.
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The bullet grazed the small finger of her left hand. Meanwhile,
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one of the dogs bit her husband, David Anderson, 35, on the arm.
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The two were treated and released from Denver General Hospital.
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Animal control officers took custody of the dogs.
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####===================================================================####
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News of the Weird
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1993 12:15:23 -1812
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From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
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Subject: News of the Weird, November 5, 1993
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Subject: News of the Weird [300] - 5Nov93
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Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 05:00:08 -0500 (EST)
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WEIRDNUZ.300 (News of the Weird, November 5, 1993)
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by Chuck Shepherd
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Lead Story
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* The Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama, Japan, announced in
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October that it had manufactured an experimental sausage out of recycled
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Tokyo sewage by adding soybean protein and steak flavoring to "sewage
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solids." A company spokesman said, "[S]ewage isn't really such a dangerous
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and dirty thing." However, he did not foresee commercially marketing the
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sausage: "Sewage does have a slight image problem. I don't think people
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will be content eating something they know has been excreted by humans."
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[Boston Globe-Reuters, 10-7-93]
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Inexplicable
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* In October, Mohammad Jafari was shot point-blank between the eyes with a
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.22-caliber pistol during a convenience store holdup in Memphis, Tenn., but
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the bullet failed to penetrate his skull. Jafari was back at work the next
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day, with only a nine-stitch wound. Said Jafari, "I have a hard head."
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[Arlington Journal, Oct93]
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* The Washington Post reported in August that there are 3,000 pet
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therapists in the U. S., including 50 fully certified as animal
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behaviorists, and that they charge fees ranging from $150 to $400 for
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three-hour sessions. Said one pet therapist, "There's a reason for
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everything [animals] do." Said a skeptical veterinarian, "The pets aren't
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crazy. The humans are crazy." [Washington Post, 8-15-93]
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* After he crashed his stolen car in September, Mark David Warner, 29,
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hopped on a 13-ton front-end loader at a construction site and led eight
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police cars in a 40-minute, 15 mph "chase" down a highway near Orlando
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(Fla.) International Airport. Warner, just five days out of prison at the
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time, was charged with attempted murder for ramming one occupied police
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car. Said a security guard on the scene, "No one in his right mind would
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do those kinds of things." [Orlando Sentinel, 9- 30-93]
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* In August, delegates to the national convention of the Church of Our Lord
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Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith in Charleston, W. Va., celebrated by
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wearing stylish hats, as socialites do at events such as the Kentucky
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Derby. Said one delegate, "We glorify God when we wear hats." Many
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delegates brought hat wardrobes with them, and fourteen hat vendors set up
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booths at the convention. [Morgantown Dominion Post-AP, 8-12-93]
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* Although no law forces them to open on Sundays, the 285 members of the
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Arkansas Automobile Dealers Association voted 285-0 in March to recommend
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that the legislature require them to be closed on Sundays. [Arkansas
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Democrat Gazette, Mar93]
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* In March, the Department of Health and Human Services announced a
|
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crackdown on universities that had billed HHS in the past for expenses that
|
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were not related to any research grants they had received from the agency.
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HHS revealed at the biggest offender was the University of Wisconsin at
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Madison, whose chief executive officer for the previous several years was
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Donna Shalala, now Secretary of HHS. [U. S. News & World Report, 4-19-93]
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* In June, Stuart Bowyer, a University of California astronomer in charge
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of a year-old project that has monitored 30 trillion radio signals from
|
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outer space, said that so far, 164 of those signals are "unexplained."
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However, he said it was "very unlikely" that any of them came from
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extra-terrestrials. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 6-9-93]
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* Earlier this year, at least 2,000 cases of teenage girls fainting were
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reported around Cairo, Egypt. Authorities checked the environment
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|
repeatedly for such hazards as chemical warfare agents, radon gas, and
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|
allergens in school building material, but most health authorities now
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|
believe the girls fainted after having delusions. [Columbus
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|
Dispatch-Deutsche Presse Agentur, 4-9-93]
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* In September, Army Corps of Engineers employee Thomas Iracki, 36, leaped
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to his death in downtown San Francisco, after telling several colleagues
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|
that he had become despondent about the Clinton Administration's
|
|
"reinventing government" budget cuts to his agency. [San Francisco
|
|
Chronicle, Sept93]
|
|
|
|
* Matthew Noble Palmer, 48, pleaded no contest to 24 burglary counts in
|
|
Alamogordo, N. Mex., in July, ending a rash of break-ins of isolated
|
|
mountain homes. Several of Palmer's victims reported that guns had been
|
|
taken from their homes, thoroughly cleaned, and returned during later
|
|
break-ins. [Albuquerque Journal- AP, 7-24-93]
|
|
|
|
The Weirdo-American Community
|
|
|
|
* High school soccer coach Jesus Valencia Gomez, 45, was arrested in
|
|
Whittier, Calif., in September and charged with practicing medicine without
|
|
a license. According to sheriff's deputies, Gomez told a 24-year- old
|
|
woman she had cancerous tumors on her neck and head and would need surgery.
|
|
Allegedly, Gomez anesthetized her, shaved her head, and bandaged her in a
|
|
motel room, and the woman notified authorities only several days later,
|
|
when she discovered that she had no scar under the bandages. In Gomez's
|
|
apartment were medical and dental supplies and two types of business cards,
|
|
one identifying Gomez as a doctor and the other as a dentist. [Los Angeles
|
|
Times, 9-18-93]
|
|
|
|
Least Competent People
|
|
|
|
* A lawsuit was filed in June in Morristown, Tenn., against Dr. Crampton
|
|
Helms and the Morristown-Hamblen Hospital, for negligence. Last year,
|
|
three months after an operation on an elderly woman, a nurse treating her
|
|
identified a "foreign object" protruding from the woman's surgical scar,
|
|
which had been irritating her ever since the operation. According to the
|
|
lawsuit, the object was the tip of Helms's surgical glove, which was still
|
|
inside the patient and which hospital staff had not noticed in three
|
|
follow-up hospitalizations. [Knoxville News-Sentinel, 6-5-93]
|
|
|
|
I Don't Think So
|
|
|
|
* Terry Allen, 34, was convicted of attempted burglary in San Antonio,
|
|
Tex., in October, after having been caught red-handed by police as he was
|
|
removing burglar bars from the window of a beauty salon. He told the judge
|
|
he was guilty of simple theft but not of the more serious crime of
|
|
attempted burglary because he was not trying to break into the beauty
|
|
salon; he was merely trying to steal the burglar bars to take home to put
|
|
on his own windows to protect himself from burglars. [San Antonio
|
|
Express-News, 10-5-93]
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Dog Guns down Man and other fun stuff
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (K-R Finance)
|
|
Newsgroups: clari.news.interest.quirks
|
|
Subject: OUTTAKES: Dog shoots man in northern Cyprus; wordy UK officials
|
|
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 93 5:46:39 PST
|
|
|
|
KNIGHT-RIDDER FINANCIAL NEWS--Frankfurt, Monday, Dec 6
|
|
|
|
DOG SHOOTS MAN--A dog shot and wounded his master on a hunting
|
|
expedition in northern Cyprus, the Turkish-Cypriot news agency TAK reported
|
|
today. Ahmet Gazioglu had laid down his rifle to rest while hunting for
|
|
game Sunday near the city of Famagusta. The agency said the 48-year-old
|
|
hunter was peppered with lead pellets in the hip, foot and knee when the
|
|
dog walked on the gun and sprung the trigger by accident.
|
|
|
|
PLAIN ENGLISH, PLEASE!--A definition of a hospital bed in no less than
|
|
167 words today won a UK government department booby prize for bad
|
|
communication skills. A hospital bed was called: "A device or arrangement
|
|
that may be used to permit a patient to lie down when the need to do so is
|
|
a consequence of the patient's condition rather than a need for active
|
|
intervention such as examination, diagnostic investigation, manipulative
|
|
treatment, obstetric delivery or transport..." and so on for another 121
|
|
words.
|
|
|
|
FOUR CHICKEN OUT AND FLY THE COOP--Four men who thought that they could
|
|
live like battery hens for a week asked for their freedom today after being
|
|
caged for just 18 hours. The men had responded to a challenge from
|
|
vegetarian author Rebecca Hall. She offered 10,000 stlg to anyone who could
|
|
endure 7 days and nights in a 5-foot 6-inch- high, 40 inch-square cage.
|
|
Hall said the men had squeezed into the cage, in a stable at her home in
|
|
Woolhope, near Hereford, at lunchtime Sunday and asked to be released this
|
|
morning. "This is pretty much what I expected, they said they were very
|
|
uncomfortable," Hall said. "I think I have definitely proven a point. They
|
|
experienced this tremendous discomfort and yet we subject animals to these
|
|
conditions all the time imagining that they have no feelings." She had
|
|
issued her challenge at the launch of her latest book, Fruits of Paradise,
|
|
earlier this year to expose the "concentration camp methods" used in
|
|
intensive farming. The four volunteers had no sanitation and were being fed
|
|
on water and boiled brown rice, which was put into a tray outside the cage.
|
|
|
|
BOSTON TO REPAY TICKETED MOTORISTS--In other cities, officials complain
|
|
about trying to get people to pay parking tickets. Here, the city collected
|
|
so much it has to give a couple of million dollars back. The Boston Herald
|
|
reported today that the city owes about 2.2 million dlrs to motorists who
|
|
overpaid on tickets over the past several years. The city owes more than
|
|
60,000 businesses and motorists around the country refunds ranging from 1
|
|
dlr to 61,392 dlrs, according to the newspaper's computer analysis of 3.5
|
|
million parking ticket records. Assistant Parking Clerk Bruce Graubart said
|
|
the city will pay up. "If we owe people money, we want them to contact
|
|
us," Graubart said. "We want them to get their money back." In most cases,
|
|
motorists paid late fines on tickets that had actually been paid on time,
|
|
or paid for the same ticket twice, or inadvertently paid for someone else's
|
|
ticket--perhaps tucked under the windshield wiper by the real culprit. The
|
|
city collects on about 80 pct of its parking tickets. Last year, Boston
|
|
handed out 1.8 million parking tickets.
|
|
|
|
MAKE MONEY FROM TARDY TUBE--Commuters facing delays on London
|
|
Underground will now be able to claim refunds if they are forced to wait
|
|
more than 15 minutes for a train. The time passengers must wait before
|
|
claims can be made has been dropped by 5 minutes as part of a project to
|
|
improve standards. In the last year London Underground has paid out 150,000
|
|
stlg to 66,000 commuters.
|
|
|
|
HUNT BEGINS FOR SCROOGE OF THE YEAR--Nominations open today for a
|
|
British competition to find the "Scrooge employer" of the year. The Low Pay
|
|
Unit said competition for its award would be tough following the abolition
|
|
of the Wages Councils, which set minimum rates of pay. The unit, which
|
|
campaigns on behalf of the low paid, said it had examples of a sales
|
|
representative working 60 hours a week for 80 pence an hour, homeworkers on
|
|
28p an hour, a beauty therapist paid 53p an hour, a butcher's shop
|
|
assistant on 1.37 stlg an hour for a 56-hour week and a security guard
|
|
working 84 hours a week for 1.19 stlg an hour. Chris Pond, director of the
|
|
Low Pay Unit, said the unreformed Scrooge would have approved of the Wages
|
|
Councils' abolition. "The character of Scrooge used to be pitied and
|
|
reviled. Were he alive today, he would probably be included in the New
|
|
Year's honors list for services to British industry," he said. The award
|
|
winner will be announced Dec 17.
|
|
|
|
SIT ON IT--Two Birmingham men have been praised by police after
|
|
arresting a burglar by sitting on him for 15 minutes. Bob Dixon, 67, and
|
|
Barry Butler, 60, pinned down the youth as he tried to ride off on a bike
|
|
following a break-in at a neighbor's home in Castle Bromwich, Birmingham. A
|
|
video recorder was later recovered. A 17- year-old youth has been
|
|
questioned.
|
|
|
|
HAIR-RAISING ENFORCEMENT--A man who points a hair drier at motorists to
|
|
stop them speeding has been ordered to stop by police because he could
|
|
cause an accident. Howard Tiler, 31, whom motorists on a housing estate in
|
|
Ilkeston, Derbyshire, UK, mistake for a traffic policeman with a hand-held
|
|
radar gun, said: "Someone suggested it as a joke. I tried it and found that
|
|
it works." The estate has a 30 mile per hour limit, but parents say cars
|
|
reach 50 mph using it as a short-cut. They fear children could be knocked
|
|
down on their way to school.
|
|
|
|
40 WIVES....AND STILL COUNTING--A 78-year-old Bedouin man in the United
|
|
Arab Emirates has married more than 40 times, but is still looking for
|
|
another wife. "I still want to have another wife if I find a suitable one,"
|
|
the man told the magazine al-Shuruq. Born in the oasis town of al-Ain, Ali
|
|
ibn Ghadir ibn Mohammed al-Qitabi said he could no longer remember how many
|
|
times he had married. "It could be 40 times or more. The number is too big
|
|
to remember," he said. "I married from among four UAE tribes. The other
|
|
wives include four from Egypt and the rest from India. Some stayed with me
|
|
for years, some months and others days. I had children by only three of
|
|
them," he said. The turbaned, bearded man did not keep more than four wives
|
|
at a time, because of a prohibition by Islam.
|
|
|
|
STANDING ROOM ONLY AT FUNERAL--No one looked down on John H. Doster at
|
|
his funeral. He was the only one standing. Doster, who worked at Richmond
|
|
Funeral Home in Mississippi for about 10 years as a maintenance man, had
|
|
asked that he be displayed upright when his time came. On Sunday, the
|
|
funeral home complied, propping Doster's casket up at an angle. "He was
|
|
always saying he didn't want nobody looking down on him," said Paul
|
|
Pollard, a driver for the funeral home. "He didn't want anybody looking
|
|
down and crying and moaning." Funeral home owner Jesse Richmond said it was
|
|
the first time he had been asked to perform such a service. Doster died of
|
|
a heart attack Nov 29, on the job at the funeral home. He was 66. Doster's
|
|
nephew, Gregory Lewis, said his uncle would have laughed at the response to
|
|
his unusual service. "He was always such a character," Lewis said. "And
|
|
he's in true form in death."
|
|
|
|
THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS ARE FOR--Police arrested a suburban Chicago man
|
|
today on charges he accepted 2,100 dlrs from a neighbor in exchange for
|
|
killing her. Prosecutors allege that 18-year-old Reginald Williams killed
|
|
Susan Potempa, who was battling breast cancer, over the Thanksgiving
|
|
weekend while her husband and son were in Detroit for a football game. Cook
|
|
County State's Attorney Jack O'Malley announced he would charge Williams
|
|
with first degree murder in the case, which had baffled police. Potempa
|
|
apparently was very depressed about her health, and arranged for the
|
|
killing when her family went to Detroit over the holiday weekend to see the
|
|
Chicago Bears play the Detroit Lions.
|
|
|
|
TAMPA POLICE ISSUE TICKETS TO THEMSELVES--Oops. Someone forgot to renew
|
|
expired license tags on more than 100 police cars, including the chief's.
|
|
Other law enforcement agencies, such as the Florida Highway Patrol and the
|
|
Hillsborough County Sheriff's office, have noticed. So far, they've issued
|
|
three tickets, one warning citation and four verbal warnings. Most of the
|
|
expired tags are on unmarked vehicles. They are usually driven by
|
|
detectives. Unlike marked patrol cars, which display yellow city tags, the
|
|
unmarked cars carry standard license tags. The tags expired at the end of
|
|
October.
|
|
|
|
IT'S NOT CRICKET--A vacant and dusty basement under a high-rise
|
|
building in the New York borough of Queens is not where you would expect to
|
|
find a cricket team training for an international tournament. The US
|
|
cricket team is trying to break into the international scene by securing a
|
|
spot in the 1996 World Cup tournament. The Americans, however, lack the
|
|
funds, equipment, experience and playing fields of acknowledged cricket
|
|
powers England, the West Indies, Australia, Pakistan, India and New
|
|
Zealand. So a basement in Queens has emerged as the unlikely, but ideal,
|
|
venue for the US team to train during winter as it prepares for a
|
|
20-country tournament in Nairobi, Kenya, next February. End (From United
|
|
Press International/Agence France-Presse/The Associated Press)
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Sacred Relics
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
|
|
Subject: Happy Heethormas, part 2
|
|
|
|
"Ho, ho ho! And what do YOU want for Christmas?"-- Outside of my
|
|
favorite Xmas card ever
|
|
|
|
"Well, you can't have it!"-- INSIDE of my favorite Xmas card ever
|
|
|
|
"Let no one ever accuse me of having had good taste"-- Preacher Tim
|
|
|
|
Mal:
|
|
|
|
Continuing this great new tradition of gifts for Heethormas, on
|
|
Monday I will be putting in the mail for you your very own Mysterious and
|
|
Sacred Object. It is, as probably guessed, the second part of the Bathroom
|
|
Supply Set of the Gods (of which you own the first part- the Holy Toilet
|
|
Plunger of Lotus (is that who we decided it belonged to)?).
|
|
|
|
I am referring, of course, to THE TOILET PAPER OF ST. LUTHOR THE
|
|
INTENSE (the OTISian ST. of DIVINE INSPIRATION). With it, you now posess
|
|
two of the four sacred pieces of the Bathroom Supply Set of the Gods
|
|
(enough for now, more could be hazardous). GUARD IT WELL, and remember,
|
|
it may be displayed, utilized in rituals and baptismal ceremonies, employed
|
|
in efforts to impress skeptics and make converts, but never destroyed. Try
|
|
to flush it, and you may regret it.
|
|
|
|
"Pope" Gef I
|
|
|
|
PS A BRIEF HISTORY/DESCRIPTION OF ST. LUTHOR'S INVENTION
|
|
|
|
You may have noticed how ugly the Paper is
|
|
|
|
|
|
PPS: Those of you who are not Mal are, by this time, wondering just why you
|
|
are receiving all of these notes. The answer is simply that the lot of you
|
|
have either instrumental in keeping the faith functional in 1993, either by
|
|
inspirational acts of your own, or by inspiring me. Zecchin created a new
|
|
periodical, James new rituals to keep the faith of the Kenyonites alive.
|
|
Scott is co-authoring the first ever OTISian book. Linda inspired the
|
|
Daughters of Creiza, and provided me with their first "paid advertisement."
|
|
Mal got Purps listed on every known official register, gave it a
|
|
listserver, a beta stage FTP site and is working on a MUD (making Purps,
|
|
for the first time ever, a real "institution" on the fringe). Chad, the
|
|
unwilling Archbishop, suprised me by rising to the duties we so unfairly
|
|
forced upon him, and kept the faith of OTIS alive and well, even growing,
|
|
in his Bishoply dominion. Rodney stuck some of the best new OTISian stuff
|
|
I've seen in years in "Communique Number Zero", the kind of vicious satire
|
|
I usuallyshy (better, "cower" from), introducing yet another circle of
|
|
potential converts.
|
|
|
|
You'll all be getting a little something in thanks form yours truly, and I
|
|
thought you might be amused to learn what's being distributed to everyone.
|
|
|
|
Y'all done good. I thank you. HAIL OTIS!!!!
|
|
|
|
PPPS:
|
|
Today I mailed Rodney his very own Sacred Relic, THE SKELETAL HAND OF
|
|
ST. EUPHEMIA JOHNSON (some assembly required), the only bit of her that
|
|
didn't burn when she spontaneously combusted (or, um whatever). RODNEY,
|
|
guard it WELL> It's VERY valuable.
|
|
|
|
It only LOOKS like plastic.
|
|
|
|
PJI
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Funny Money
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Sun, 26 Dec 93 15:25:47 MST
|
|
From: iverson@crl.nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
|
|
|
|
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 93 02:26:10 EST
|
|
From: "Mitchell L. Silverman" <mitch@vesheu.sar.usf.edu>
|
|
Message-Id: <9312250726.AA08460@vesheu.sar.usf.edu>
|
|
Subject: A *true* story
|
|
|
|
>From kkoller@nyx10.cs.du.edu Fri Dec 24 13:30:08 MST 1993
|
|
|
|
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
|
|
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
|
|
|
|
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
|
|
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
|
|
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
|
|
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
|
|
worry about people getting pissed at me.
|
|
|
|
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
|
|
IT: "Is that it?"
|
|
ME: "Yep."
|
|
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
|
|
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
|
|
|
|
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
|
|
kind of funny and
|
|
|
|
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
|
|
|
|
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
|
|
following conversation occurs between the two of them.
|
|
|
|
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
|
|
MG: "No. A what?"
|
|
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
|
|
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
|
|
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
|
|
|
|
He comes back to me and says
|
|
|
|
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
|
|
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
|
|
IT: "I don't know."
|
|
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
|
|
IT: "Yeah."
|
|
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
|
|
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
|
|
|
|
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
|
|
shoplift, and
|
|
|
|
IT: "He says I have to take it."
|
|
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
|
|
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
|
|
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp]
|
|
IT: "What should I do?"
|
|
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
|
|
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
|
|
MG: "Just tell him."
|
|
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
|
|
|
|
The manager approaches me and says
|
|
|
|
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
|
|
this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
|
|
other stores.]
|
|
ME: "Well, here's a two."
|
|
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
|
|
ME: "Why the hell not?"
|
|
MG: "I think you *know* why."
|
|
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
|
|
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
|
|
ME: "Excuse me?"
|
|
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
|
|
ME: "What the hell for?"
|
|
MG: "Please, sir."
|
|
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
|
|
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
|
|
ME: "No."
|
|
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
|
|
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
|
|
|
|
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
|
|
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
|
|
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
|
|
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
|
|
whisper]
|
|
|
|
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
|
|
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
|
|
SG: "Really? What?"
|
|
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
|
|
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
|
|
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is
|
|
a fifty."
|
|
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
|
|
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
|
|
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
|
|
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
|
|
SG: "Yeah..."
|
|
|
|
Security guard walks over to me and says
|
|
|
|
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
|
|
ME: "Uh, no."
|
|
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
|
|
ME: "Why?"
|
|
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
|
|
|
|
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so
|
|
I said
|
|
|
|
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
|
|
|
|
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
|
|
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
|
|
and says
|
|
|
|
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
|
|
MG: "It's fake."
|
|
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
|
|
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
|
|
SG: "Yeah?"
|
|
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
|
|
|
|
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
|
|
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
|
|
|
|
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
|
|
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
|
|
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
|
|
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Care and Feeding of Relics
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 23:03:54 -0500 (EST)
|
|
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
|
|
Subject: SECOND SEND: Let me know if THIS makes it.
|
|
Subject: HAPPY HEETHORMAS!!!!
|
|
|
|
Chad, James, Dave:
|
|
|
|
As we all (cough!) know, we are fast approaching the OTISian Holiday
|
|
of Heethormas, the winter celebration of the goddess of paisley, Heethor.
|
|
Starting a new OTISian tradition, I have just mailed to you Heethormas
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gifts, holy relics really, to aide in the ceremonies of the Kenyon
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OTISian contingent. They will arrive in the mail soon, probably in
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Archbishop's Chad's P.O. Box (unless the Post Office makes a dire error,
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|
which is possible, HAIL BROW!).
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I am sending three such sacred objects, since the three of you, James,
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|
Dave and Chad, have gone above and beyond the call of "duty" this year
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|
with your herculean (look it up; I did) efforts on behalf of Our Most
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|
Holy Faith, HAIL OTIS!!!!
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|
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I am hereby appointing each of you a Guardian of one of these objects.
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|
Divide them amongst yourselves as you will; I don't care who guards which
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|
as long as you discharge you duties as Guardians faithfully.
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Which reminds me, your duties as Guardians are as follow:
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Either 1. Guard your object faithfully
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|
or 2. find someone else to do it for you (and make him, her, it swear
|
|
to uphold these Rules of Guardianship, Hail OTIS!!!!)
|
|
|
|
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|
IMPORTANT-- YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM VIOLATING, MODIFYING,
|
|
ADDING TO or ABOLISHING ALTOGETHER EITHER OF THE ABOVE RULES.
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|
HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!!
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Pope Geof I
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|
P.S. Follow brief descriptions/histories of the objects (in no
|
|
particular order):
|
|
|
|
I. The Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros
|
|
Unearthed by a nuclear test blast in the Sinkiang desert in China in
|
|
1964, and smuggled away from ignorant Chinese officials by a dedicated
|
|
Mongolian Physicist converted to Our Most Holy Cause, the sacred Ping
|
|
Pong Ball of Spodophoros (High Priest of OTIS, 11366 AO, 176 BCE) will light
|
|
up and make really odd noises when handled by followers favored in OTIS'
|
|
sight (if Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spodophoros does not light up at all,
|
|
please e-mail me, and I'll send a replacement Sacred Ping Pong Ball of
|
|
Spodophoros immediately).
|
|
|
|
RULES OF THE SACRED PING PONG BALL:
|
|
1. Please do NOT play Ping Pong with the Sacred Ping Pong Ball.
|
|
2. Do NOT expose Ping Pong Ball to excessive FIRE, FLAME or FIR trees.
|
|
3. The half life of a radioactive object is extremely difficult to
|
|
calculate, so we aren't quite sure just HOW radioactive the Sacred Ping
|
|
Pong Ball is, but I wouldn't stand too close if I were you.
|
|
4. Do not Taunt the Sacred Ping Pong Ball of Spode.
|
|
|
|
II. The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise (5276- 5497 AO)
|
|
The Mental Floss of Lemur the Wise is a quick easy and convenient method
|
|
of demonstrating the Miraculous power of OTIS to heretics, skeptics and
|
|
UNBELIEVERS, as well as a long established method of removing mental
|
|
"clutter" and improving cognitive ability. The Floss graphically demonstrates
|
|
to the doubters that, with the POWER OF OTIS it is possible for the TRUE
|
|
BELIEVER to actually FLOSS HIS BRAIN, running a rope in one ear and out
|
|
the other and moving it back and forth. The Mental Floss should be kept
|
|
"on hand" (but carefully out of sight) at every OTISian ceremony as a
|
|
way of dissuading hecklers. Lemur the Wise also claimed that flossing
|
|
twice daily with the floss in the privacy of her own domicile could
|
|
improve the intelligence of any human being TEN FOLD. Mind you, he also
|
|
claimed to have trained a yak to do complicated algebra problems and speak
|
|
seven languages.
|
|
|
|
THERE IS ONLY ONE RULE OF THE SACRED FLOSS: DO NOT REVEAL ITS SECRET TO THE
|
|
UNINITIATED.
|
|
|
|
III. The Shrunken Skull of Pope Max I
|
|
First displayed to the INNER CIRCLE of the Ancient Illuminated Anti-
|
|
Masonic/Rosicrucian Elder Knights of OTIS by Pope Enzio I, the Skull has
|
|
many MYSTERIOUS PROPERTIES. Specifically, it is said to PROPHECY if stared at
|
|
long enough by a dedicated initiate. It predicted the 1968 Mets for example,
|
|
and Sonny Bono's departure from the public spotlight. No one is sure
|
|
just HOW the skull was shrunk, but the revelation that Max I's bones
|
|
were made of PLASTIC and that his JAW was held in place by WIRE SPRINGS
|
|
shocked the OTISian community when the skull was eventually shown to the
|
|
masses in 1929. Mary Margaret Boneapart, Chief of the Daughters of
|
|
Creiza at the time, initially denounced the skull as a fraud, reversing her
|
|
position only after spending an entire weekend staring at the Skull,
|
|
daring it to prove its powers to her. Immediately following her
|
|
announcement that she had been enlightened by the skull, Chief Margaret I
|
|
mysteriously sold almost all of the faith's accumulated stock portfolio,
|
|
making a great fortune, which helped the faith weather the years to come.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Spam Day! Never too early to start
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 94 21:02:35 EST
|
|
From: Mitchell Porter <Mitchell.Porter@lambada.oit.unc.edu>
|
|
|
|
From: Andrew Bulhak <acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au>
|
|
Subject: Reminder.
|
|
|
|
Dear Sentient Beings: I am reposting this information about the Spam
|
|
Jake, due to take place on the 23rd of May. Be part of it. LHOS
|
|
|
|
SPAM JAKE DAY -- A Summary
|
|
--------------------------
|
|
|
|
By Reverend Brother Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
|
|
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal, Discordian Society
|
|
|
|
1) WHAT IS A JAKE? (AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?)
|
|
----------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Jake is defined as part of Operation Mindfuck. Basically, it involves
|
|
a lot of people collaborating to send a lot of weird stuff to some
|
|
bureaucrat/official/someone somewhere, asking for some information/help/
|
|
whatever, preferably in an obscure or unusual way. The letters are timed to
|
|
arrive on the same day, and to make the bureaucrat/official/etc. think
|
|
that either he is the target of a global conspiracy of lunatics or the
|
|
general public are much more imaginative than he has previously thought.
|
|
|
|
2) WHAT IS THIS SPAM JAKE?
|
|
--------------------------
|
|
|
|
The plan: on Spam Jake Day (the twenty-third of May, 1994), a lot of
|
|
mail will arrive at the headquarters of Hormel Foods, the manufacturer
|
|
of Spam, from all over the world. This will be from various Discordian,
|
|
SubGenius and other weird religious groups; on official letterhead
|
|
(which looks rather weird), and from people with long, bizarre religious
|
|
titles. Each letter will claim that the sender's own group is the
|
|
original Church of Spam (with appropriate embellishments), and
|
|
requesting official endorsement from Hormel Foods as such.
|
|
|
|
3) HOW DO I GET INVOLVED?
|
|
-------------------------
|
|
|
|
If you wish to be involved in this global mindfuck, all you have to do
|
|
is write such a letter, in the name of your religion/conspiracy (if you
|
|
don't have one, found one), adding any embellishments you may wish to
|
|
add and send it to:
|
|
|
|
Hormel Foods
|
|
Corporate Offices
|
|
1 Hormel Drive
|
|
Austin, MN 55912
|
|
|
|
Send the letter before Spam Jake Day, if possible timing it so that it
|
|
arrives on Spam Jake Day. The rest is fnord up to you.
|
|
|
|
4) WHAT WILL THIS ACHIEVE?
|
|
--------------------------
|
|
|
|
With luck, somebody at Hormel will find their desk inundated with
|
|
curious missives from all sorts of strange groups from all over the
|
|
world asking for official sanction for some esoteric activity involving
|
|
Spam, or, in the parlance, "weird shit". Unable to dismiss this as a small,
|
|
localised prank they will be very much puzzled by this and possibly
|
|
shall attain illumination from the shock. Candidates for official
|
|
approval may receive interesting replies; furthermore, the media may pick
|
|
up on this, distorting it and adding further chaos to the equation.
|
|
In any case, the ripples of this should be felt far and wide, if enough
|
|
people get involved.
|
|
|
|
5) WHY SHOULD I GET INVOLVED?
|
|
-----------------------------
|
|
|
|
Because if you don't, ye shall verily be transformed into a
|
|
Precious Mao Button and distributed to the Poor in the Region of Thud.
|
|
Or not.
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Reverend Brother Pope Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
|
|
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal; High Epopt of the Secret and Terrible Rite
|
|
Chairperson dei gratia, Flat Earth Society -"In your heart, you know it's flat"
|
|
President-for-life, Don't Let Lieutenant Wilkes Breed Society Society
|
|
Think about about -><- Stop casting porosity -><- Keep the lasagna flying
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Invading Aliens Don't be fooled by immitations
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: thad@cup.portal.com (Thad P Floryan)
|
|
Subject: Alien Invasion Sting
|
|
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 93 21:23:48 PST
|
|
|
|
As reported in the San Francisco Chronicle, Tuesday, December 28, 1993, p. A10:
|
|
|
|
|
|
RADIO AMATEURS TAKEN IN BY "ALIEN INVASION"
|
|
|
|
British cops set up sting to catch eavesdroppers
|
|
|
|
Reuters News Service
|
|
|
|
|
|
Doncaster, England. Police in northern England turned the tables on ham
|
|
radio operators who eavesdrop on police by issuing a spoof broadcast of
|
|
aliens landing nearby and then arresting those who turned up to see the
|
|
"spacemen."
|
|
|
|
South Yorkshire police ordered "Operation Marconi" when they suspected that
|
|
criminals were cashing in on information gleaned from the airwaves, the
|
|
Guardian reported yesterday.
|
|
|
|
The eavesdroppers "could hardly believe their ears -- aliens were invading
|
|
planet Earth ... Doncaster to be exact," said the report, citing the latest
|
|
edition of a local police magazine.
|
|
|
|
It said several people were arrested and charged with acting illegally
|
|
on information in police broadcasts.
|
|
|
|
Scanning equipment can be legally purchased for a few dollars, and it is
|
|
not illegal to eavesdrop on police broadcasts. But it is against the law
|
|
to act on any information overheard when monitoring police frequencies.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
How to see the Good Stuff at Graceland
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: kust@Dahlquist.Stanford.EDU (Mark Kust)
|
|
Subject: Going to Graceland
|
|
Date: 2 Jan 1994 20:15:58 GMT
|
|
|
|
In regards to ...
|
|
|
|
>I will be going to Memphis on business the first week of January and will
|
|
! be going to Graceland. I will only have a couple of hours max and would
|
|
like some s ouggestions on what to see there. I assume there are many hours
|
|
of contemplative >viewing. Also - are there any great places to eat. We
|
|
tend toward healthy, >vegetarian food.
|
|
|
|
>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
|
|
|
|
>Richard
|
|
|
|
|
|
You must be brave Richard, but here is what you MUST do:
|
|
|
|
There is only one thing that you MUST do at Graceland, and that is to
|
|
outwit the guards (aka "tourguides") and sneak upstairs to see "THE
|
|
bathroom" which we true KING investigators know is really a portal to
|
|
another dimension; the very same portal that the evil Sivle used to kidnapp
|
|
the King back in the 70's. This kidnapping was of course the seed that
|
|
started the whole garden of "Elvis is dead" lies.
|
|
|
|
Here is a hint of how to trick the "guards."
|
|
|
|
First, when you go into the "Jungle Room" ask if the whole in the wall was
|
|
always there or if it was put there on account of tourist traffic. Then,
|
|
when he finishes that (rather short) story, ask who designed the waterfall.
|
|
That will start a BIG story. That is your break. From here head back
|
|
down the hall and into the entranceway. There ask the guard how many TVs
|
|
are in the house and how could Elvis possibly watch them all. He will start
|
|
on another BIG story - now break up the stairs. "THE bathroom" is the
|
|
second door on the right at the top of the stairs.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
--Subink 1994
|
|
|