1212 lines
60 KiB
Plaintext
1212 lines
60 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 53
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####========================================================####
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"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
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Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
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Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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I know what you're thinking: "Gosh bloody well took long enough..." Well
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this time I have a real excuse. It's September. The month of trial and
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tribulation for the Editor. Lord knows why but the state of Florida has
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decreed that I must atone for a life time of sins each September. For
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example, it was discovered that the editor was driving a FLYING BOMB. At any
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moment it could have burst into a fire ball of flame.
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"What the heck is he talking about," you wonder. Well, actually, there was a
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hole in the gas tank. A honking big hole the hemorrhaged gas all over the
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place. The car could be tracked all over town by its trail of dripping
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death. People would give it a wide berth because it smelled like a malatov
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cocktail. (At least it no longer needed an air freshner. Nothing could have
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hid the over powering smell of gas.)
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Now get this. The hole was on the TOP of the tank. Yes the TOP. How the
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hell did it get there? The top of the tank is below the trunk. This means
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you have to go throw two or three layers of steel (well rust okay I'll give
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it that.) Was this yet another attempt on the editors life? Are once again
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the forces of the AntiChrist on the prowl? (Okay so the car has more holes
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in it than those used drug boats Elvis is always buying at government
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auction.) What sort of insidious weapon could have punched a hole in the gas
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tank and left no other visible signs? Only an insidious orbiting laser
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beam platform and we all know who's got a few of those laying around. You
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know the ones, THEM. No not the cattle mutilators. No not the guys in the
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black helicopters. Them. The hurricane makers. The ones who make dry up
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perfectly full containers of roll on deodorant on a lark.
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I've probably spoken out of turn there so I should stop. No need to give
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our humble viewers a case of the whim-whams.
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The other excuse beside it being September, was Purps is finally on the
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internet for real. We have two nodes at the moment with full blow internet
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access. We are trying to switch purps over to a listserver. This means no
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more slow mail. Lord knows what else this means, vague murmurs of muds and
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such for example. Preach-O-Rama's and of course a total absence of virtual
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yak tossing. That's simply out. [By the way all the old addresses work and
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are probably still preferred for the moment. The editors have always found a
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certain charm in doing the computer stuff by hand so the listserver will
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mostly be to send out masses of mail fast.]
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So basically if you look closely you should see that this issue is coming
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from something like hailotis@sit.sop.fau.edu and sort of leapt into your
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lap with a sonic boom instead of oozing into your account like creeping
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damp.
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It's an experiment too so if you get 10 copies of these or only 1/2 it's
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not my fault. It's a computer error and you can shake your fist at the sky
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and shout obscenities at THEM.
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Now that I've taken care of why this issue is so late and how you should
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rejoice we need to move onto another grimmer topic.
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That topic we must face, like a bad hair day is none other than LACK OF
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ATTENDANCE AT PREACH-O-RAMAS! Come on folks! This is IRC! Everyone and their
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yak does IRC. At least 1000 people are on there at a time. Most of these
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people have never heard of Otis. A Preach-O-Rama is a time to spread the
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world of Otis to the masses. It's also a fantastic time to sit down and
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get to know the church elders. You can watch them discuss intimate details
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of their personal lives right in front of your noses. Learn how to boil
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spaghetti perfectly ever time. Discover exactly how many word searches the
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average Polish scientist does in a single day at the lab. Thrill to the
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secrets passed along about the obscure customs of Japanese tourists. And
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most of all, discover the condition of poor Arch Bis Chad after that
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terrible accident with the Pope's bicycle pump.
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Seriously PREACH-O-RAMAS are a whole heck of a lot of fun. A lot of new
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Otisian dogma is discovered there. It's your chance to surf with the big
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boys and end up inside an issue of purps. It's almost like submitting
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things.
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Anyway, there will be another PREACH-O-RAMA Sunday the 26 at 2:00 Eastern
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Standard Time. It's on channel #OTIS. Why not join in on the fun? [Was that
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a good enough chastisement oh mighty Pope?]
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Oh by the third elbow of Juan Botton the Elder! I almost forgot. Take a look
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at the top of this issue. Notice the Volume number? Yes this is the start
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of the 4th year of the Purple Thunder Bolt of Spode! We've been going 3
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years already and it's only gotten better and better. How many other
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journals of this nature have been going on for this long? [Look for our
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upcoming listing in a random house book publication.] You should all swell
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up with pride at the mere fact we've managed to be around this long and
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still be going as strongly as ever. [Yeah yeah I know. It should be a
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special issue, but this is what you get. Sorry. Maybe we can make the next
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one be more special.]
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A quick history. For about the first year of Purps, it was run out of
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Kenyon College by the Noble Pope himself. Then he graduated and Mal took
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over editorship. Mal has been editing it ever since. Back in those days
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there were maybe 50 or 60 subscribers, most of them from Kenyon. Now a days
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we have over 200. I can't give an accurate figure because the subscription
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list and the number of copies distributed are not the same. A single issue
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mailed out by HailOtis might be mailed out 10 or so times by one of those
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addresses. This whole Purps has always astonished me considered we have no
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real official sanction by anyone. It just tends to happen. HAIL OTIS! Sure
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the editor just happens to be a network manager and is god/king/emperor of
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a bunch of machines. Other publications have official sanctions by
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organization and universities. They appear in official publications. Purps
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just accidentally ends up here and there for some reason. People have heard
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of other publications, but for some queer ball reason they never end up in
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international listings of journals. Otis really smiles on us and opens doors
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and gateways which should be closed to us. One of the lessons we've learned
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is always give out purps to anyone who remotely is interested or looking
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for material. Now it's especially important because the world as a whole is
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discovering the idea of electronic journals. Purps is an astonishing
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journal because of what is does and how it operates. There's no like it and
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I doubt there were will be one of them again.
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Finally, for those of you who have sent in submissions. Keep them coming.
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A lot of these are from July and August. Your's may appear in later
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issues.
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####===================================================================####
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Papal Ponderings
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####===================================================================####
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Papal Pondering #8 by Pope Jephe I, IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209,
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Cambridge, MA 02139-9183
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This week-- Spring Cleaning
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Being a staunch observer of the week we here at the IGHF worshiped "things
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hideously overdue, I waited until THIS week to do my Spring cleaning.
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Having just (barely) emerged successfully from long battle with the Things
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that live in my closet space (OTIS, just because they've been there since
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the Dawn o' Time they think they OWN the place), I have a pile of stuff
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which I do not want to throw away, but am willing to give away. It
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includes the following:
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1. 16 past issues of the OTISian Yellow Pages (#s 2+4)
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2. Two past issues of the OTISian Directory (Spring, '92)
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3. THOUSANDS of used 4,000 Zloty tickets for the Warsaw bus.
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4. Eight and one half million dollars (US Currency)
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5. More Italian and German coins than I know what do do with.
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6. Three never before used (in original, unopened packages) foam
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Lobster Party Hats (worthy, trust me in this, of Archie McPhee).
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7. Edwina, the Rubber Chicken
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Items 1-3 inclusive and no/s five and six will be given away on a first
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come, first served basis. Item 4, is, of course, an utter fib, and should
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teach you (have you not learned it already) to never trust a Pope.
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Item seven is a special case. Edwina was my "backup" rubber Chicken back
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in the days when I was (footloose and fancy free), cruising around Europe,
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the Middle East and Africa, dropping her sister (Edna) from atop such
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famous precipices as Glastonbury Tor, Various Cupola's in Oxford, Koln
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Catherderal, the steps of St. Peter's in Rome, the leaning tower of Pisa,
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the Great Pyramids in Egypt, the bridge over the Grand Canal in Venice,
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anywhere you can think of in Israel and Palestine, and the roof of the
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Peace Corps Hostel in Niamey. Edna was also held aloft in front of the
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Pieta, Michaelanegelo's "David", the Sistine Chapel, the window that OTHER
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Pope speaks from, the bit of the garden of Getsemane that falls in the
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grounds of the Russian Orthodox Church of Mary Magdeline (some Dominican
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Monks were actually helping me climb one of the hundred-year-old olive
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trees, in order to get Edna airborne, when the the aging Russian
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proprietress gave us a good talking to in lousy English, and , I am told,
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worse Italian), and in front of many confused customs agents in Kano,
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Nigeria.
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Obviously Edwina, although she's never been aloft (alas), has great
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sentimental value (partly because, Edna is nearly exhausted at this point).
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So I don't want to give her away; I just think she should get out more.
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So, anyone who is willing to "host" Edwina for a week or so, taking
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pictures of her (or drawings, poems about, statues... hey, you name the
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media; I'm not picky) being thrown from/held aloft in the name of OTIS
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before great and famous things, people, places, and mailing copies of the
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documentation back to me (along with Edwina, when you've finished), is
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hereby encouraged to drop me an e-mail message at:
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Jstevens@world.std.com
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Including a brief description of how long you need Edwina and just what you
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intend to do with her.
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Bear in mind that I will give priority to people living in places that Edna
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never made it to, i.e. anywhere that is NOT:
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Washington, D.C.
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Boston
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England
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Koln, Rotenberg, Heidleberg, Germany
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Venice, Rome, Pisa, Florence, Italy
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Niamey, Republic of Niger
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Kano, Nigeria
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Israel/Palestine
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Scotland (well, Edinburgh, at least)
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OK?
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I will take all the accounts of Edwina's voyages and publish them in a nice
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full color (Boston has el-cheapo color xeroxes now...) perfect bound
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booklet, just as soon as she has journeyed far enough to merit a travelogue
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of this type.
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Nunc Scriptsi pro OTISo, da mihi potum--
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"Pope" Jephe I
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of the IGHF
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Incidentally, Edwina has never been to Australia or Poland....
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HAIL OTIS!
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####===================================================================####
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Wiretap
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1993 14:31:58 -0400
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From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
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Subject: Overheard by my telephone wiretap
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<ring...ring...ri..>
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"Hello?"
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"Hello, is Mr. Rittman there?"
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"Yes, this is he."
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"Mr. Rittman, I represent a firm of fine furniture importers known
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as the Import-Export Company of the Gods. We've had some very famous
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clients...why, Zeus himself came to us! Said he wanted his temple redecorated
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in a contemporary neo-60's retrofit."
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"But..."
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"Yes, I know what you're going to say. You do not represent that
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pantheon. We have been informed that you represent the Intergalactic
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House of Fruitcakes, worshipping one OTIS, the ancient Sumerian god of
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life. Now, we..."
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"But I..."
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"...are aware that OTIS is not a usual part of this culture, but your
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organization's efforts seem to be bringing his worship back into popularity.
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I should think..."
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"I don't..."
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"that after all these years in obscurity, OTIS would want to re-
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decorate some of his sacred places. I'd imagine he'd want SOMETHING new.
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Now, what should I put you down for? We have a lovely 7-piece bedroom
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set, just perfect for the deity that..."
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"I'M NOT IN THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES!!!!!"
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--
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"You're not??"
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"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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"Oh. Good day then."
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<click>
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####===================================================================####
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Mind Control Aliens
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####===================================================================####
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From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
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Subject: Latest update on mind control aliens on YFN
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Date: 19 Jul 1993 18:00:31 GMT
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Conspiracy theorists have found that all of this controversy over YFN's
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mind control alien nature are founded on clabbered milk entering the
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bloodstream of the internet. Mind control aliens do exist on YFN, but they
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are purple paisley, not Supreme Court justices as previously claimed.
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Also, the National Enquirer is actually put out by similar nmind control
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space alien Illuminati who want to make the alien presence on Earth SEEM
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ridiculous so that no one will take it seriously. And by the
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----
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time they do, it'll be too late. Further updates will come through as
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my spirit guide whispers them over the barrier from the eighteenth dimension.
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And remember: always be oregano.
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####===================================================================####
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Sheep Majorities
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:27:59 -0400
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From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
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Subject: Sheep majorities
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According to the Book of Lists, here are the population figures for
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16 countries around the world 20 years ago:
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SHEEP HUMANS
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1. Australia 145,304,000 13,339,000
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2. New Zealand 55,883,000 2,726,000
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3. South Africa 31,000,000 24,920,000
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4. Peru 17,300,000 15,383,000
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5. Iraq 15,500,000 10,765,000
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6. Uruguay 15,373,000 3,028,000
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7. Mongolia 14,077,000 1,403,000
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8. Yemen 11,600,000 3,730,000
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9. Bulgaria 9,765,000 8,679,000
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10. Namibia 4,400,000 692,000
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11. Ireland 3,999,000 3,086,000
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12. Somalia 3,906,000 3,090,000
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13. Libya 3,200,000 2,346,000
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14. Mauritania 2,800,000 1,290,000
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15. Lesotho 1,600,000 1,016,000
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16. Iceland 846,000 215,000
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"And the sheep shall inherit the earth"
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####===================================================================####
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MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 00:31:39 MDT
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From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
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Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 09:56:11 +0800
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From: Jon.Cooke@eng.sun.com
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Subject: MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
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Forwarded without permission of the author, whoever they may be.
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>From a message originating within Microsoft.
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---------------------------------------------------
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MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
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"The chessboard is the world, the
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pieces are the phenomena of the
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universe, the rules of the game
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are the laws of nature. The
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player on the other side is
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hidden from us."
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-- Thomas Henry Huxley
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"In every grain of wheat there
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lies hidden the soul of a star."
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-- Arthur Machen
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"The Old Ones were, the Old Ones
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are and the Old Ones will be...
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not in the spaces we know of,
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but _between_ them ... Yog-Sothoth
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is the Gate."
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-- Abd al-Hazred, _Al Azif_
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"All perception is inferential; all
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inference uncertain; all theory,
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a combination of perception and
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inference, is therefore educated
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guessing."
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-- de Selby, _Golden Hours_, I, 93
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These days most people have heard of Microsoft Corporation, and its
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founder Bill Gates. The majority of computers in use today use Microsoft
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system software, and those that do not often run applications from
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Microsoft. However, few people know the true story behind the rise of
|
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Microsoft and even fewer suspect the terrible cosmic secrets that are
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concealed beneath the facade of a successful software company.
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In the Object Linking and Embedding 2.0 Programmer's Reference there is a
|
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very curious term. On page 78, the second paragraph starts with the
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sentence, "In the aggregation model, this internal communication is
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achieved through coordination with a special instance of an Unknown
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interface known as the /controlling unknown/ of the aggregate." The term
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"controlling unknown" is a very interesting choice of words. It is not the
|
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most intuitively obvious term for what it is describing (a base class used
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for implementing an object-oriented data exchange/embedding system).
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A term strikingly similar to "controlling unknown" was the term "unknown
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superiors", used by many occult secret societies. These included the Strict
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Observance Masonic lodge, whose members were sometimes referred to as
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"illuminati", and which had some connection with Adam Weishaupt's order.
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"Unknown superiors" is a term that refers to non-corporeal or superhuman
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agencies in command of secret societies or mystery cults. Such an agency is
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frequently known as the "inner head" of an order of organization, as
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opposed to the outer head, who is human.
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Organizations that claimed or were claimed to be commanded by such "unknown
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superiors" include the Ordo Templi Orientis of Aleister Crowley and the
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Knights Templar, whose Inner Head was apparently a being named Baphomet.
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Apart from the term "controlling unknown", another hint at the secrets
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behind Microsoft is the fact that Microsoft Windows has a limit of _five_
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window device contexts. Five is a decidedly odd number for such an
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application, being neither a power of two nor one less than a power of two,
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but let us not forget Adam Weishaupt's discovery of the Law of Fives in the
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Necronomicon*.
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Few people for sure how many buildings there are in the Microsoft campus
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in Redmond, WA. No maps of the entire facility are known to exist. Some
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|
Microsoft employees put the estimate at six or three. An article in an
|
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Australian newspaper has claimed that there are 22 buildings. That is
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|
partly true; however, there is another building, hidden from the public and
|
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even from most Microsoft employees. The twenty-third building, or Building
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7, is pentagonal in shape; its exact location is known only to five people
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(of whom Bill Gates may be one), however it is believed that the building
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is accessible from elsewhere in the Microsoft campus by a secret passage.
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What is in the five sided building is not known. However, it is believed
|
|
that the contents of Building 7 are of a supernatural nature. Apart from
|
|
the Pentagon, there was a similar five-sided building in Nazi Germany. This
|
|
has been carefully kept hidden from the public. One hypothesis is that
|
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Building 7 is inhabited by, or used to communicate with, the Inner Head, or
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"controlling unknown". The identity of the Outer Head is unknown. Bill
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Gates may be the Outer Head, a high initiate of the conspiracy or just a
|
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figurehead whose purpose it is to divert attention.
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|
|
To fully understand this history, or whatever of it may be understood by
|
|
human minds, one must have some knowledge of the history and origins of the
|
|
Illuminati. Little is known about the Illuminati, but what is known is that
|
|
the Illuminati can be definitely traced back to 1776.
|
|
|
|
On Walpurgis night 1776, five men met in a cavern deep beneath
|
|
Ingolstadt, Bavaria. There they invoked some sort of supernatural beings
|
|
and made contact with the Unknown Superiors. The following day, one of
|
|
these five men proclaimed the foundation of the Ancient Illuminated Seers
|
|
of Bavaria, using the name "Adam Weishaupt", which means "the first man to
|
|
know the Superiors".
|
|
|
|
Although the Illuminati were officially disbanded in 1785, they did not
|
|
disappear; throughout the past 200 years, they have been observing the
|
|
profane world carefully, and occasionally intervening (as they did in
|
|
Sarajevo in 1914, St. Petersburg in 1917, Manhattan in 1929 (to divert
|
|
attention from a rather unpleasant affair off the coast of New England) and
|
|
Dallas in 1963 to name a few cases. Their contacts with the Unknown
|
|
Superiors continued in specially constructed buildings, originally in
|
|
Germany but later in Washington. During the 1920s and 1930s there occurred
|
|
a potential problem; a young writer named Howard Phillips Lovecraft
|
|
published many stories which contained allegories to Illuminated history
|
|
(for example, Joseph Curwen's invocation of "Yogge-Sothothe" in an
|
|
underground complex in the 18th century). It is believed that Lovecraft's
|
|
father was a Grand Orient Freemason. The Illuminati, however, persuaded
|
|
Lovecraft to join their cause and faked his death in 1937 (Have you ever
|
|
wondered why his grave is not marked?) Another incident occurred on Octobr
|
|
21, 1967, when occultists attempted to "raise" the Pentagon; they were
|
|
given permission to approach it but prevented from completely encircling
|
|
it. However, in 1975, a crisis developed that threatened the very
|
|
foundation of the Illuminati.
|
|
|
|
A book, claiming to be a fantasy novel, appeared. This book was mostly
|
|
fiction; however, it hinted at the secrets of the Illuminati (even going as
|
|
far as using Lovecraft's term "Yog-Sothoth" for the Unknown Superior). To
|
|
this day it is not known whether the authors were renegade Illuminati or
|
|
whether the information was acquired from informers within the
|
|
organization. The book was called Illuminatus!
|
|
|
|
Immediately, the Illuminati convened an emergency meeting in Cesme,
|
|
Turkey. There they discussed a contingency plan to restructure the
|
|
organization and to move the Pentacle of Invocation to a new location. They
|
|
decided on setting up a small computer company in one of the smaller cities
|
|
of the United States as a front. That year, Microsoft Corporation was
|
|
founded.
|
|
|
|
But why did the Illuminati select a software company and not, say, a
|
|
company that manages investments or makes kitchen appliances? The answer
|
|
lies in symbolism (Perhaps because of their involvement in mystic arts
|
|
such as the Cabala, the Illuminati have always had an affinity for
|
|
symbolism). There is a recurring legend about a device in the form of a
|
|
human head which could answer yes/no questions (some link this device to
|
|
the Knights Templar and their god Baphomet; others claim that Pope
|
|
Sylvester, who lived in the tenth century, brought such an object back from
|
|
India, where he met the "Nine Unknown Men"). This device is extremely
|
|
suggestive of a computer of some sort, and if it did exist in anything more
|
|
than hermetic allegory, it could not have been manufactured by any human
|
|
civilization of the time whose existence is known. Hence, the Illuminati
|
|
decided to use a computer company as a front.
|
|
|
|
It has been already speculated that the name of the founder, Bill Gates,
|
|
is a code much as "Adam Weishaupt" was a code. Apart from being the name of
|
|
a magician in Aleister Crowley's novel, "Moonchild", Gates is a reference
|
|
to the Unknown Superior and the gateway between ordinary reality and the
|
|
Invisible World; Lovecraft himself referred to Yog-Sothoth as "the Gateless
|
|
Gate". By the same token, IBM can be said to stand not for "International
|
|
Business Machines" but rather for "Iacobus Burgundus Molensis", or Jacques
|
|
de Molay, the last overt Grand Master of the Knights Templar, whose name
|
|
was borrowed by the Bavarian Illuminati for one of their ciphers. One must
|
|
also not forget that a Microsoft network administration tool currently
|
|
under development is named Hermes, after the god of alchemy, and that a
|
|
line in Umberto Eco's novel, _Foucault's Pendulum_ reads, quite clearly,
|
|
"Microsoft-Hermes".
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
* Some sources claim that the copy of the Necronomicon which Adam Weishaupt
|
|
owned was the von Junzt German translation; this, however, is unlikely, as
|
|
von Junzt lived in the nineteenth century. The Necronomicon involved was
|
|
probably either Olaus Wormius' Latin edition or the original Arabic, as the
|
|
details of the illustrations would attest.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Filth Levels
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 14:12:41 -0400
|
|
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
|
|
Subject: 11 Food Products and their Filth Levels (Book of Lists, 1977)
|
|
|
|
According to the Public Health Service of the Food and Drug
|
|
Administration, the following "defect levels" are not to be exceeded if the
|
|
products are made available for human consumption. Anything at these
|
|
levels or below is considered ACCEPTABLE for public sale in the U.S.
|
|
|
|
1. ASPARAGUS (canned or frozen)
|
|
Ten percent of spears infested with six asparagus beetle eggs;
|
|
either 40 thrips or five insects in 100-gram samples.
|
|
|
|
2. CHOCOLATE; CHOCOLATE LIQUOR
|
|
Up to 60 microscopic insect fragments per 100-gram sample or up
|
|
to 100 fragments in one sample; or an average of 1.5 rodent hairs in
|
|
each sample or up to 4 hairs in any one sample.
|
|
|
|
3. COFFEE BEANS
|
|
Ten percent insect infested, damaged, or molded
|
|
|
|
4. FIG PASTE
|
|
Thirteen insect heads in two 100-gram samples
|
|
|
|
5. FISH (fresh frozen)
|
|
Five percent of fish or fillets with "definite odor of decomposition"
|
|
over 25% of fish area; or 20% of the fish fillets with "slight odor of
|
|
decomposition" over 25% of fish area.
|
|
|
|
6. HOPS
|
|
Average of 2,500 aphids per 100 grams
|
|
|
|
7. PEPPER
|
|
Average of 1% insect infested or mold by weight; or 1 milligram
|
|
of excreta per pound.
|
|
|
|
8. POPCORN
|
|
In six 10-oz. samples, either one rodent pellet or one rodent hair
|
|
per sample; two rodent hairs or 20 gnawed grains per pound with hairs in
|
|
50% of samples or 5% by weight of field corn in popcorn.
|
|
|
|
9. SPINACH (canned or frozen)
|
|
In 100-gram samples, either 50 aphid, thrips, or mites or eight
|
|
leaf miners; two spinach worms or 10% decomposition
|
|
|
|
10. STRAWBERRIES (frozen, whole, sliced)
|
|
Mold count of 55% in half of the samples.
|
|
|
|
11. TOMATO PASTE (pizza and other sauces)
|
|
In 100-gram samples, either 30 fly eggs, 15 eggs and one larva,
|
|
or two larvae; or mold count averaging 40% (30% for pizza sauce)
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Oddities
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 15:20:32 -0400
|
|
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
|
|
Subject: [THE PEOPLE's ALMANAC 15 Favorite Oddities of All Time]
|
|
|
|
(from THE BOOK OF LISTS, 1977)
|
|
|
|
1. COINCIDENCE
|
|
On December 5, 1664, the first in a great series of coincidences in
|
|
history occurred. On this date, a ship in the Menai Strait, off North
|
|
Wales, sank with 81 passengers on board. There was one survivor-- a man
|
|
names Hugh Williams. On the same date in 1785, a ship sank with 60
|
|
passengers aboard. There was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams. On
|
|
the very same date in 1860, a ship sank with 25 passengers on board. There
|
|
was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams.
|
|
|
|
2. THE MOST REALISTIC MOVIE IN HISTORY
|
|
In 1914, a Hollywood motion-picture company signed a contract with
|
|
Mexican revolutionary leader Pancho Villa in which he agreed to fight his
|
|
revolution according to the studio's scenario in return for $25,000. The
|
|
Hollywood crew went down to Mexico and joined Villa's guerilla force. The
|
|
director told Pancho Villa where and how to fight his battles. The
|
|
cameraman, since he could only shoot in daylight, made Pancho Villa start
|
|
his fighting every day at 9:00 AM and stop at 4:00 PM--sometimes forcing
|
|
Villa to cease his real warring until the camera could be moved to a new
|
|
angle. When the completed film was brought back to Hollywood, it was found
|
|
to be too unbelievable to be released--and most of it had to be reshot on
|
|
the studio lot.
|
|
|
|
3. THE ABYSSINIAN ELECTRIC CHAIR
|
|
On August 6, 1890, the first electric chair in history was put into use
|
|
in the death chamber of Auburn Prison in New York. In distant
|
|
Abyssinia--now called Ethiopia--Emperor Menelik II (1844-1913) heard about
|
|
it and decided that this new method of execution should become part of his
|
|
modernization plan for his country. Immediately, he put in an order for
|
|
three electric chairs from the American manufacturer. When the chairs
|
|
arrived and were unpacked, the emperor was mortified to learn they wouldn't
|
|
work--Abyssinia had no electricity. Determined that his investment not be
|
|
completely wasted, Emperor Menelik adopted one of the electric chairs for
|
|
his imperial throne.
|
|
|
|
4. GANGSTER JOHN DILLINGER DIED BEFORE THE FBI KILLED HIM
|
|
America's Public Enemy No. 1 John Dillinger, with a $10,000 reward on
|
|
his head, died peacefully under anesthetic 26 days before FBI agent Melvin
|
|
Purvis and fellow agents shot him down outside the Biograph Theater in
|
|
Chicago on July 22, 1934. Dillinger had gone to Drs. Wilhelm Loeser and
|
|
Harold B. Cassidy and paid them $5,000 to alter his facial features and get
|
|
rid of his fingerprints. Given an overdose of ether, Dillinger died during
|
|
the operation. Said FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, "It was only through
|
|
prompt action on the part of Loeser that he was resuscitated."
|
|
|
|
5. THE MOST INCREDIBLE ENGINEER IN THE WORLD
|
|
Oddity hunter John Hix told one of the authors of this book about the
|
|
world's most incredible engineer: "A 300-ft. suspension bridge of old junk,
|
|
across the Snake River, in Wyoming, was engineered by Charles McCrary, a
|
|
traveling odd-job man, who had never seen such a structure in his life. A
|
|
postcard picture of the San Francisco Bay Bridge served as the blueprint.
|
|
And though government engineers said it would cost $10,000, it was built
|
|
for only $750."
|
|
|
|
6. THE MAN WHO DID NOT OWN HIS BODY
|
|
In 1890, a Swedish gentleman who was desperately in need of money
|
|
signed a contract with the Caroline Institute in Stockholm--a medical
|
|
academy that awards the Nobel Prize in medicine--promising its staff
|
|
doctors his body for dissection purposes after his death. In return, he
|
|
was given the cash he needed. In 1910, this same gentleman inherited a
|
|
large sum of money. Now he decided he did not want to leave his body for
|
|
dissection. He tried to buy back the contract from the doctors of the
|
|
institute. They refused to sell. The gentleman then sued the institute and
|
|
went to court. The gentleman not only lost the suit and future possession
|
|
of his body--but he had to pay damages to the institute's doctors because
|
|
he had had two of his teeth pulled without their permission.
|
|
|
|
7. THE POPE WHO ISSUED A DECREE AGAINST A COMET
|
|
On June 29, 1456, a date when Halley's comet could be seen in the sky
|
|
at night and mankind feared it could bring on a plague, famine, or some
|
|
other disaster, Pope Calixtus III, who had been enthroned for one year,
|
|
issued a papal bull or official decree against the comet. His decree asked
|
|
Christendom to pray that the comment--or symbol of "the anger of God" as he
|
|
put it--be fended off or that, as Bartolomeo Platina wrote in 1479, the
|
|
comet "be entirely diverted against the Turks, the foes of the Christian
|
|
name."
|
|
|
|
8. THE MYSTERY OF LITTLE MISS NOBODY
|
|
On July 6, 1944, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus was
|
|
giving a performance in Hartford, Conn., before 7000 paid customers. A fire
|
|
broke out: 168 persons died in the blaze and 487 were injured. One of the
|
|
dead, a small girl thought to be six years old, was unidentified. Since no
|
|
one came to claim her, and since her face was unmarred, a photograph was
|
|
taken of her and distributed locally, then throughout the US. Days passed,
|
|
weeks and months passed, but no relative, no playmate, no one in the nation
|
|
came forward to identify her. She remains unknown to this day. (note:
|
|
since this came out, she has been identified and returned to her family)
|
|
|
|
9. THEY ROWED ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN
|
|
On June 6, 1897, Frank Samuelson, a 36-year-old American, and George
|
|
Harvo, a 31-year-old Norwegian, set out in a small open rowboat from New
|
|
York Harbor to row across the Atlantic Ocean. Their boat, the Richard K.
|
|
Fox, was 18 ft. long with a 5-ft. beam. Together, each at an oar, they
|
|
pulled constantly for 55 days, crossed the vast ocean, 3075 mi. in all, and
|
|
made it safely to St. Mary's in the Scilly Islands off southwest
|
|
England--an unbelievable achievement.
|
|
|
|
10. HE HAD A DREAM
|
|
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, an evangelist who preached
|
|
40,000 sermons, left behind his Journal covering the years 1735-1790, much
|
|
of it written in an indecipherable code. No one in the years that followed
|
|
was able to solve the code. In 1909, Rev. Nehemiah Curnock, of Rayleigh,
|
|
England, was poking through a secondhand bookstore when he came across a
|
|
treasure--John Wesley's personal Bible, with marginal handwritten notes in
|
|
the same mysterious code. The reverend bought the Bible, studied it, then
|
|
forgot about it. One night, shortly after, while deep in sleep, Rev.
|
|
Curnock had a dream--he saw Wesley's Journal, and on one page the code was
|
|
deciphered. Waking, he had the key. Remembering his dream, he examined
|
|
Wesley's code writing in the Bible, and unlocked the mystery. He proceeded
|
|
to "translate" Wesley's Journal and published the results between 1909 and
|
|
1916 in four volumes.
|
|
|
|
11. THE CAVALRY THAT CAPTURED A FLEET OF SHIPS
|
|
The most famous instance of a company of cavalry actually defeating and
|
|
capturing a fleet of ships occurred in the Netherlands on January 20, 1795.
|
|
|
|
In that period, the French army was pitted against the Dutch, British,
|
|
and Austrians. French Gen. Charles Pichegru led his cavalry unit of
|
|
hussars into Amsterdam in freezing weather. He found the Dutch fleet off
|
|
the island of Texel, frozen into immobility by heavy ice. Gen. Pichegru
|
|
immediately ordered his horsemen over the ice-covered waters, overwhelmed
|
|
the Dutch ships and sailors, and captured them. With that, the Dutch
|
|
government surrendered.
|
|
|
|
12. FUNERAL FOR A FLY
|
|
Publius Vergilius Maro or Vergil (70-19 BC), the Roman poet known for
|
|
the Aeneid, one of the great epic poems in history, sponsored a lavish
|
|
funeral for a fly, a common housefly he claimed was a favorite pet. The
|
|
funeral ceremony was held in Vergil's splendid mansion on Esquiline Hill in
|
|
Rome. An orchestra was on hand to soothe the paid mourners. Many
|
|
celebrities attended, among them Vergil's patron, Maecenas, who gave a long
|
|
and moving eulogy to the fly. To cap it off, Vergil himself wrote several
|
|
poems for the occasion and read them. The fly was buried in a special
|
|
mausoleum. The entire extravaganza cost Vergil 800,000 sesterces--about
|
|
$100,000. What motivated this funeral to a fly? Two possibilities.
|
|
Vergil loved the bizarre, and this may have been an attention-getting
|
|
put-on. Or he may have known in advance that the government--the Second
|
|
Triumvirate of Octavius, Lepidus, and Mark Antony--planned to confiscate
|
|
the property of the rich and parcel it out to war veterans. One exception
|
|
was that no grounds containing burial plots were to be touched. When this
|
|
law came to pass, Vergil sought exemption because there was a mausoleum on
|
|
his land. Exemption was granted, and Vergil's fly had saved his master's
|
|
property.
|
|
|
|
13. HOW TO BECOME A WRITER
|
|
Victor Hugo (1802-1885), leading French romantic writer, normally
|
|
had little trouble producing such books as The Hunchback of Notre Dame and
|
|
Les Miserable. But sometimes he did run into difficulties and was tempted
|
|
to do other things than write. As such times he forced himself to work by
|
|
having his servant take away all of his clothes, with instructions not to
|
|
return them for several hours. Left with his own nude self, and pen and
|
|
paper, there was nothing to do but sit down and write.
|
|
|
|
14. THE WORLD SOLD AT AUCTION
|
|
In 193 AD, Rome dominated or controlled all of the so-called
|
|
civilized world. In that year, the Roman praetorian guard--the
|
|
12,000-member personal bodyguard of the Caesars--turned on the reigning
|
|
Emperor Pertinax and murdered him. To fill his seat, one guardsman
|
|
suggested that the leadership of Rome and the world be auctioned off. On
|
|
March 28, 193, the auction was held. There were two bidders. One was the
|
|
assassinated emperor's father-in-law. The other was the wealthiest senator
|
|
in Rome, 61-year-old Didius Julianus. After spirited bidding, Julianus won
|
|
the throne with a bid of 300 million sesterces. Didius Julianus was
|
|
unpopular with both the Senate and the public; his reign lasted only 66
|
|
days. The Roman general Severus in Pannonia, hearing of the infamous
|
|
auction, led his troops back to Rome, sought out the emperor, and had him
|
|
beheaded.
|
|
|
|
15. THOU SHALT NOT KILL
|
|
In the seventh century, the Toltecs, an agricultural people, moved
|
|
from northern Mexico down into the vicinity of Mexico City. In all of
|
|
history, there was never a people more civilized or humane. According to
|
|
the old histories, the Toltecs went to war with wooden swords-- so that
|
|
they would not kill their enemies.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Kmart Spaceman
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com
|
|
Subject: Kmart Spaceman.
|
|
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 15:00:01 PDT
|
|
|
|
Subject: Spaceman Works At K-Mart.
|
|
It seems that we have a space person living in America now and his only
|
|
claim to fame is that he is a night shift clerk at K-mart. How high on the
|
|
social scale can you get? Here is some information about the man and
|
|
another person from space who is a space lady. ...Kmart store manager once
|
|
worked as a UFO engineer (JW I'll bet that looked good on his application).
|
|
Paul Wellmer, whose true name is Nommos, was born on the spaceship Monitor
|
|
74 Earth-years ago. He was among thousands of space aliens aboard the
|
|
starship, which came from the planet of TaoPao, an Earth-like world
|
|
situated in the Sirius B System of Constellation Canis Major. When his
|
|
spaceship crashed on this planet on June 18, 1946, the extraterrestrial
|
|
starship engineer survived by invading the body of a 2-month-old earthling
|
|
and taking his name. He has been living the life of a normal human ever
|
|
since, marrying and getting a job as a night clerk at Kmart in the small
|
|
town of Fredericktown, Mo.
|
|
|
|
Wellmer says on his native planet, his physical appearance is entirely
|
|
different.
|
|
|
|
"Our bodies can adapt to living on land or underwater because we have
|
|
gills within our lungs, two circulatory systems and two hearts," he said.
|
|
|
|
(JW Well I don't know much about him but I have read a lot about the next
|
|
lady I'm going to mention.)
|
|
|
|
Chicago house wife Omnec Onec is dying to meet space alien Paul
|
|
Wellmer-because she's an alien herself and she wants another
|
|
extraterrestrial to talk to!
|
|
|
|
The blonde mother of three-whose native planet is Venus-read an article
|
|
about Wellmer in the April 6, issue of the Weekly World News and admits she
|
|
was fascinated. She says she's aware of other space aliens living in this
|
|
country, but Wellmer-who lives in Fredericktown, Mo. -is not know to her
|
|
because he comes from outside our solar system.
|
|
|
|
"I would love for him to come see me in Chicago," said Omnec, whose book
|
|
UFO From Venus I Came sold out when it hit the bookstores two years ago.
|
|
|
|
There are so many solar systems, each with many planets, and I am not
|
|
familiar with every one. I would love to talk to him and learn about his
|
|
world."
|
|
|
|
Omnec went public about her alien origins in 1990, when she published her
|
|
book in an effort to teach earthlings about the brotherhood of planets. She
|
|
says she knows of more than 300 other aliens from Mars, Saturn, Venus and
|
|
Jupiter who occupy important positions in American society. Worldwide, she
|
|
says, there are more than 1,000.
|
|
|
|
Wellmer, who is called Nommos on his planet of ToePao, says he's also
|
|
eager for a space alien powwow.
|
|
|
|
"I have not read Omnec Omnec's book but it sounds like something I should
|
|
know about," he told the NEWS. "And I would definitely like to meet her. We
|
|
have much to talk about, I'm sure."
|
|
|
|
When Wellmer gets together with Omnec, it will be his first meeting on
|
|
Earth with another space alien. And the extraterrestrial admits he's been
|
|
lonely since the spaceship wreck separated him from others of his kind.
|
|
|
|
"A day doesn't go by that I don't wonder where my fellow crew members
|
|
are," he says.
|
|
|
|
"It's hard being the only one. I'm delighted to know that Omnec Onec
|
|
wants to get together."
|
|
|
|
Female extraterrestrial came to earth in 1955! Born 246 Earth
|
|
years ago. Omnec Onec was raised on the planet Venus in a town called
|
|
Teutonia. She lived on an astral plane-with out a physical body-until she
|
|
was instructed by her leaders to travel to earth with a message of peace
|
|
and brotherhood. Omnec says she was trained to live as a human in an
|
|
ancient monastery in Tibet. Eventually she was sent to live in Tennessee
|
|
with an earthling family, replacing a 7-year-old child who had died in a
|
|
bus wreck. She grew up, married and moved to Chicago, where she raised
|
|
three children. worked as a bar maid, a clothes designer and a cashier.
|
|
|
|
She revealed her true space alien nature in 1990, when she wrote and
|
|
published her best-selling book. Today she travels around the United States
|
|
and Europe, spreading a message of peace and brotherhood, as he was
|
|
instructed to do by Venusian leaders.
|
|
|
|
JW In the past I had read the first article about Omnec Omnec and had
|
|
gone over to Don Showen's house to talk to him about it. It just so
|
|
happened that he had a copy of her book and I obtained it from him.
|
|
|
|
Source of Material: Weekly World News July 20, 1990
|
|
|
|
John Winston.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Walkmans
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1993 15:04:37 EDT
|
|
From: <AXM22@psuvm.psu.edu>
|
|
Subject: Hazardous Walkmans
|
|
|
|
On Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:27:51 GMT, Richard Bornat <richard@dcs.qmw.ac.uk> wrote:
|
|
|
|
>Another one common in the UK press, which I guess wouldn't have been in the
|
|
>FAQ, is the mistaken-electric-shock-cure. Person is in the kitchen, seen by
|
|
>spouse to be jiggling about with a wire connecting them to some electrical
|
|
>appliance (in UK this is a toaster, of which all of us are mightily
|
|
>frightened). Spouse hits person with large piece of wood 'breaking their arm
|
|
>in two places' (giveaway phrase); person turns out to have been dancing to
|
|
>music from Walkman and lead was headphone lead. Seen it three times in the
|
|
>press this spring - sorry, didn't keep references. Person once in garage
|
|
>apparently attached to electric drill. Sorry if that's an old one.
|
|
|
|
I picked up the latest _Fortean Times_ [no. 69 (June-July 1993)] last night,
|
|
and there on p. 12 was the same story:
|
|
|
|
A woman came home to find her husband frantically shaking in the kitchen with
|
|
what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
|
|
She picked up a heavy piece of wood and smashed it into him to jolt him away
|
|
from the current, breaking his arm in two places. The she discovered that he
|
|
was listening to his Walkman and having a jig. Southport, Ormskirk, and Formby
|
|
Star, c. 7 Oct. 1992.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Unusual Problems
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1993 13:58:11 -0400
|
|
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
|
|
Subject: Dear Abby's readers' 7 most unusual problems
|
|
|
|
ABIGAIL VAN BUREN'S READERS' 7 MOST UNUSUAL PROBLEMS
|
|
(Book of LIsts)
|
|
|
|
1. "I'm a bus driver and want some information on how to become a
|
|
shepherd." (perhaps we should proselytize this one as to the benefits of
|
|
yak herding?)
|
|
|
|
2. "I want to have a child but don't even have a boyfriend. Can you line
|
|
me up with somebody?"
|
|
|
|
3. "I hear there is life after death. If that is true, can you put me in
|
|
touch with my Uncle LeRoy Albert from Victoria, Tex.?"
|
|
|
|
4. "Will you please send me all the information you have on the rhythm
|
|
method? I'm learning how to dance."
|
|
|
|
5. "I'm a 50-year-old widow and my doctor says I need a husband or the
|
|
equivalent. Would it be all right if I borrowed my sister's husband? It's
|
|
all right with them."
|
|
|
|
6. "My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he
|
|
thinks I'm crazy because I voted for Goldwater."
|
|
|
|
7. "I can't trust my husband. He cheats so much I'm not even sure my last
|
|
baby is HIS."
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Fun in Florida
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Yes all those reports you see in the papers about Florida are true. In
|
|
fact they barely scrape the surface at what a warped and twisted state this
|
|
really is. If you can't afford a trip to another planet why not try
|
|
Florida.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 93 09:13:44 MDT
|
|
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: Fun in Florida
|
|
|
|
GAINESVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- Seven Gainesville musicians who say they
|
|
were only singing have petitioned the state attorney to drop trespassing
|
|
charges from a July 17 arrest.
|
|
Members of the unconventional a capella singing group Sumac were
|
|
arrested after seven officers and two police dogs listened to their
|
|
``yipping, chanting, and moaning'' inside a four-wall racquetball court
|
|
at a public park.
|
|
Gainesville Police Department spokesman Sgt. Don Dennis said one
|
|
officer ``thought it was some type of religious ceremony.''
|
|
Sumac leader Jill Burton, 40, said group members liked the acoustics
|
|
of the enclosed racquetball court and were unaware the park had an 11:30
|
|
p.m. curfew.
|
|
Burton said the police were polite but overreacted.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Police Chase Goes On And On
|
|
|
|
(Tampa, Florida) -- Authorities say a 118-mile police chase through
|
|
Florida for a robbery suspect was "just a pleasant drive through the
|
|
country."
|
|
|
|
The chase Friday rarely exceeded the speed limit and everyone obeyed the
|
|
traffic signals. Sheriff's deputies didn't want to cause an accident.
|
|
|
|
A spokesman for the sheriff of Hillsborough County says "they were just
|
|
driving around like it was a parade."
|
|
|
|
The chase lasted an hour and 37 minutes. Officers had to stop for gas
|
|
twice.
|
|
|
|
The chase finally ended near the Tampa suburb of Brandon, when an
|
|
annoyed deputy pulled alongside the suspect and shouted, "All right,
|
|
that's enough now, pull over!" [AP]
|
|
[Tonight on the news they just has a 30 minute chase in South Florida.]
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
The Queen Speaks
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:19:04 HKT
|
|
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
|
|
Subject: FWD: RE: A message from H.M. The Queen (fwd)
|
|
|
|
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1993 07:13:49 EDT
|
|
From: Bob Zenhausern <DRZ@stjohns.edu>
|
|
Subject: Re: A message from H.M. The Queen
|
|
|
|
Great Britain was the first country to issue a postage stamp and it seems
|
|
appropriate that Queen Elizabeth was the first Head of State to issue an
|
|
Internet message. It is even more heartening that the message was in
|
|
support of the Nets for children with special needs. Tom Holloway and
|
|
Pat Davidson of Chatback UK deserve our special thanx.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
|
|
Your Majesty, thank you for your message sent by Adam and John.
|
|
|
|
(Pat Davidson, Projects Manager, Chatback.
|
|
|
|
During this visit to the Whitefield Centre I have been
|
|
heartened to see the emphasis placed upon helping young
|
|
people towards independence by the use of technology.
|
|
|
|
Through John and Adam, who are using this computer to write
|
|
and send this letter for me, I send greetings to the many
|
|
children world-wide who are being helped and encouraged to
|
|
play a full part in the world.
|
|
|
|
Elizabeth R.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Elvis
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: shabbir@panix.com (Shabbir J. Safdar)
|
|
Subject: I saw ELVIS in TOKYO!
|
|
Date: 31 Jul 93 13:13:19 GMT
|
|
|
|
I was in a bar called MoTown In the Roppongi section of Tokyo last week.
|
|
Elvis was there in the back, flanked by a group of women who I presume
|
|
were his backup singers. When they started playing his songs on the
|
|
bar's sound system, they backed him up perfectly, while he sang and
|
|
gyrated. I got his autograph.
|
|
|
|
-Shabbir
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
And More Elvis
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
From: mcbride@is.rice.edu (Doug McBride)
|
|
Subject: Elvis in the news
|
|
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 20:32:32 GMT
|
|
|
|
DALLAS (UPI) -- An author and record producer who claims to have proof
|
|
that rock and roll star Elvis Presley is alive has filed a federal
|
|
lawsuit in Dallas against Elvis Presley Enterprises for saying that The
|
|
King is dead.
|
|
Retired Air Force Maj. Bill Smith, who wrote the book ``Memphis
|
|
Mystery: Elvis, the Man and the Myth,'' says Presley faked his Aug. 17,
|
|
1977 death and ran off to live in seclusion, free from the burden of
|
|
being a star.
|
|
Smith says he has had frequent telephone conversations with Presley
|
|
and that Elvis Presley Enterprises violated his civil rights by holding
|
|
a monopoly on Presley memorabilia and interfering with the successful
|
|
marketing of his book.
|
|
Officials from Elvis Presley Enterprises said they were unaware of
|
|
the lawsuit.
|
|
``This lawsuit and my book are what will bring Elvis Aron Presley
|
|
back to the world,'' said Smith, adding that God told him to file the
|
|
lawsuit.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Texas vs Sodomy
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 00:04:35 MDT
|
|
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
|
|
Subject: Texas vs. Sodomy
|
|
|
|
"Profiles in Courage" from the Progressive Molly Ivins
|
|
|
|
"The seventy-third session of the Texas legislature is pretty much
|
|
typified by the following Warren Chisum story, Representative Chisum being
|
|
the Bible-thumping dwarf from Pampa who has added such je ne sais quoi to
|
|
the proceedings this year.
|
|
|
|
"The Texas Senate had a rare moment of courage early in the session
|
|
when it voted to remove homosexual sodomy from the revised version of the
|
|
penal code. All were astonished. There vision made its way over to the
|
|
House, where Chisum promptly rose and introduced an amendment to reinstate
|
|
the damn thing. The Housies were afraid everyone would think they were
|
|
queer if the didn't vote for Chisum's amendment, so they did.
|
|
|
|
"Then some scholar explained to Chisum that unless he reinstated
|
|
the ban on heterosexual sodomy as well, the law would be declared
|
|
unconstitutional. So Chisum promptly got up and did just that.
|
|
|
|
"Whereupon we had one of the more bizarre debates in the history of
|
|
the Lege, with assorted avant-garde members rising at the back mike to say,
|
|
approximately, 'Uh, Warren, uh, suppose I am in bed with my lawfully wedded
|
|
spouse and I, like, kind of misaim and wind up in the wrong hole. You
|
|
don't want to send me to prison for that, do you?'
|
|
|
|
"Chisum would stoutly reply, 'Yes, I do. It's against nature and
|
|
the Bible.'
|
|
|
|
"So the Housis were afraid everyone would think they were perverts
|
|
if they didn't vote for it, and they did. Chisum then shook hands with his
|
|
ally, Talmadge Heflin of Houston, in celebration of this double triumph,
|
|
and the Speaker had to send the sergeant-at-arms over to reprimand them
|
|
both.
|
|
|
|
"Because under Chisum's own amendments, it's illegal for a prick to
|
|
touch an asshole in this state."
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Elevator Problems
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
>Date: Thu, 05 Aug 1993 14:06:21 -0400 (EDT)
|
|
>From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
|
|
>
|
|
>HELP!!!! The problems with the OTIS elevators is getting worse. Every since
|
|
>that last E-Mail I sent about them I can't get one to come to our floor.
|
|
>I push the buttons and they don't light up. The elevators that open for
|
|
>other people close before I can get to them. I want to go home soon and I'm
|
|
>getting worried. I'm running low on Aluminum foil also.
|
|
>
|
|
>Signed,
|
|
>
|
|
>Deeply concerned.
|
|
>
|
|
|
|
Well I did forward your messages to the Pope in hopes he could give you an
|
|
official answer. Sad to say he's off having tea again or something of that
|
|
nature.
|
|
|
|
From what I can see there are two reasons the elevators are behaving that
|
|
way. One you are bad and two you are good.
|
|
|
|
For the bad side of things probably you've not been doing a good job of
|
|
following the all important "send us money" commandment. Rumor has it that
|
|
these latest heat waves have really upped the electricity bill on the House
|
|
of Blue Light. Also have you ever considered how much it takes to cool a
|
|
100 foot high step pyramid built out of brick?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps you may have committed another act as well. Lusting after Otis for
|
|
example. If Arani catches sight of such things she goes on the way path.
|
|
|
|
The good side of course is that the elevator is behaving that way to bring
|
|
you to your neighbors attention. Soon they will be asking questions about
|
|
you and it will be your time to shine. Don't put your light under a bushel.
|
|
Belt out those 4 important Otisian commandments. Tell them an ancient
|
|
Otisian parable. Pass around the hat. Convert a few to the faith. Perhaps
|
|
there is a quota of new converts you need to make before the elevator will
|
|
function again.
|
|
|
|
Of course maybe you need a disguise to get into the elevator. Consider a
|
|
fez. Of if one of those is not present perhaps a brown bucket from the
|
|
janitors closet will do the trick. If that doesn't work find an old bath
|
|
mat and disguise yourself as a yak. If that doesn't work try shaving off
|
|
all your body hair and pretend to be a shaved yak.
|
|
|
|
Of course aluminium foil may all be part of this problem as well. Perhaps
|
|
if you had more of it you'd be able to shield yourself well enough from the
|
|
telepath scanning of the elevator. Besides foil you can also use beer cans
|
|
and gum wrappers. Certain computer parts have aluminium in them as well.
|
|
With the beer cans it helps if you drink all the beer they contained. This
|
|
seemed to amplify the effect greatly especially if you consume several six
|
|
packs in order to cover your entire body. With gum chewing will also help.
|
|
Lately they've been running a commercial about how important chewing gum
|
|
is. This is of course an important message to us all. If we chew enough gum
|
|
we'll have enough gum wrappers to shield us from the Zakinthians rays.
|
|
|
|
Last of all are you sure this is really an Otis elevator? Have you checked
|
|
the label carefully? Maybe under it it says something else. Or perhaps it
|
|
really is a _ Otis elevator. Where the _ used to say B. If that's the case
|
|
you'd better use the stairs or climb down the building in a batman like
|
|
fashion.
|
|
|
|
As has been said before. Many things in life are a test. This appears to
|
|
be one of them. Don't be afraid to improvise or make a complete ass of
|
|
yourself. It's all done in the name of Otis. The only thing you need to
|
|
avoid is any jumping about if you are disguised as a yak. Any imitation
|
|
of yak tossing in any way shape or some is strictly forbidden. If you must
|
|
toss something about or imitate being tossed about dress as a Pope or even
|
|
a sacred rubber chicken.
|
|
|
|
Is there a vending machine near by? If so try sacrificing some of its
|
|
edibles to the elevator. Try fruit salad then twinkies. If you see the
|
|
twinkies being taken by small furry hands you don't have an Otis problem
|
|
but something perhaps far worse. Chances are from then on on you will need
|
|
to toss twinkies into the elevator each time before you use it as a sort of
|
|
toll.
|
|
|
|
If none of the above helps more drastic measures may be needed. If you see
|
|
brown furry hands and the elevator still refuses to work with the addition
|
|
of more twinkies try grape soda. The cheaper the better. If you hear any
|
|
strange noises from the elevator. Do not listen to them. Lord knows what
|
|
they could do to your brain if you followed THEIR instructions.
|
|
|
|
Try ancient Sumerian methods. Find a sheep and read it's entrails. If you
|
|
can't find a sheep try a pig. If no pig try long pig.
|
|
|
|
Above all. Do not panic. And remember prayer always helps. Especially if
|
|
you've sent your money into the IGHF and received a set of secret prayers.
|
|
|
|
Mal
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Otis Hair Cuts
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 20:51:15 -0400 (EDT)
|
|
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
|
|
|
|
> Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 16:43:54 -0400
|
|
> From: ae705@yfn.ysu.edu (Mark Corroto)
|
|
> To: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
|
|
> Subject: Re: Purps 52
|
|
>
|
|
> How can I get an OTIS or is it A OTIS haircut
|
|
>
|
|
> FaGaGaGa
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hello Mal, Scott, FaGaGaGa:
|
|
|
|
Would have answered all these questions sooner but for the big PR
|
|
campaign Preacher Tim seems to have started for me.
|
|
|
|
He's decided I should go to Colorado around the same time as the
|
|
other Pope in what I suspect will be a vain bid to confuse people into
|
|
pledging to the wrong faith. Hail OTIS!
|
|
|
|
OTIS is NOT a haircut. Shame. OTIS is a way of life. This can be
|
|
confusing since some haircuts are seen as ways of life (e.g. the Fab Four,
|
|
Sting), but only to the uninitiated. It can also be confusing since many
|
|
of the same people who tell you to get religion also want you to get a
|
|
haircut.
|
|
|
|
FOUR SIMPLE WAYS TO TELL OTIS FROM A HAIRCUT
|
|
|
|
1. A haircut is only a haircut. OTIS is a god/dess.
|
|
|
|
2. If you pray to a haircut, very little will happen. If
|
|
you pray to OTIS (s)he might actually answer.
|
|
|
|
3. OTIS is more expensive than a haircut. Around here a
|
|
haircut costs around $8.00. To keep OTIS happy, you will have
|
|
to send him/her everything you own.
|
|
|
|
4. The Pope has never had a decent haircut, but he has
|
|
always had a spiffy looking OTIS.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|