1203 lines
56 KiB
Plaintext
1203 lines
56 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 50
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####========================================================####
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"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
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Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
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Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Deadlines! Deadlines! Always deadlines to meet. The eternal hammer of Brow
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always threatening to fall. That's what it's like being Editor some times.
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Still it's great fun.
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Welcome to Issue Number Fifty. The golden anniversary issue as it were.
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Yes, Purps is Fifty Issues old and still going strong. We've got more
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subscribers than ever (and strangely enough the most subscribers appear when
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an issue of purps is delayed by a week or two. I suppose this is OTIS's
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gentle reminder to me that the herd of OTIS needs an issue.) and we're
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available in more places than ever (see below for availability of Purps via
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gopher.)
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Fifty issues was easy. We can easily make 100. Yes it's optimism all the
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way amazingly enough. We even now have access to a not one, but two unix
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machines which might mean the Purps distribution list can finally get off
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it's silly slow trickle distribution and back to it's wide bore shotgun
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mailing like it used to have. We'll see though. At least we have the
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hardware. Other odd plans for the future include perhaps and FTP server and
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maybe even a OTISIAN mud or something like that. Lord knows.
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Surprisingly enough this issue of Purps contains REAL honest to Heethor
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facts about OTIS! Say it ain't so oh over worked editor, but it's true.
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Recently the esteemed Doc Simpson send me a whole bunch of material, some
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of which you can see below. We now had a real FAQ file just like all those
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other electronic distribution thingies. We can now officially bitch at
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people and tell them to go read the damn FAQ and stop bother us just like a
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real electronic discussion list. (Not that we really would.)
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Also included is an updated version of the Glossary, this again is thanks
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to Doc Simpson who spend hours pouring over the Otisian archives in an
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effort to bring forth this document of some magnitude.
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Also we have yet more historic tales from the archives of Doc Simpson.
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Okay one more paragraph were we mention him. Doc Simpson has expressed an
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interest is setting up some sort of European Otisian something or other. If
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you're in Europe you may want to drop him a line and see what exactly he is
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up to.
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Other than that, we've got a few other bits and pieces. I wanted to heavily
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slant this issue toward educating the clamoring masses of OTIS so that's
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what I did.
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For those of you who send me submissions, keep them coming. I need them. I
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have enough sitting right here to whack out yet another issue of Purps.
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Life seems to be taking a turn for the better so maybe they will come out
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more frequently.
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Anyway on with the show, and remember that the Pope needs material for the
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OTISIAN directory. Contact him if you'd like to make a submission in any
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way shape or form.
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####===================================================================####
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Fragment #44, The Origin of the Parasols of Lemuria
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####===================================================================####
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...And when mighty Spode, God of Confusion, approached gentle Nepha,
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Goddess of Chocolate Eggs, with the Purple Thunderbolt uncovered by any
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garment but standing erect of Its own power, sweet Nepha was greatly
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troubled, for It was 4 cubits in width and 44 cubits in length. In
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terrible fear She smote It with Her spear and many-splendored Spode was
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sorely vexed. And as He hopped about and bellowed as the majestic bull
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does in summertime when it bottom is lashed by thorns, some of the Seed of
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Spode was scattered upon the earth.
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And behold, a child was born from the earth and Heethor, the Paisley
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Goddess, in her form of Heethymthombang, Lady of Unexplained Plot Twists,
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took this child and placed him in a chest. And
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She-Who-Never-Straightly-Doth-Anything-Do took the chest unto Lemur the
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Wise of Lemuria and spake thusly, "This coffer, receiveth you. Not at all
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(nowise) may you inside it be looking (although pressing, temptation may
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be) but good care of it should be taken." And snowy-haired Lemur took the
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chest and placed hearty repast beside it every day but never dared to look
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inside it.
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However, sagacious Lemur's four foolish sisters, Lalune, Lamoure,
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Lamachine, and Lecar, were very curious and peeked under the lid. The
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annals of mortal men do not concur what it was they saw, for verily, no
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mortal man has seen that sight and remained fit to describe it. Some say
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that it was four great chartreuse snakes set there by Heethor to guard the
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child. Some say that it was no infant at all but a fish with a very
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pungent smell. Others assert that the chest contained nothing but bones.
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Still others say that the child was fat, pink, healthy and normal except
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that in place of human private parts he had a great writhing snake.
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Whatever the contents of the chest, when the four matrons beheld it they
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were struck stark mad and hacked their own baby boys to small pieces with
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meat cleavers babbling that the helpless babes were horrid monsters. For
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their infanticide long-lived Lemur had his stupid sisters eaten alive by
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slithy toves.
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And when the wheel of the seasons had turned four times the child from
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the chest appeared fully clothed before wise Lemur and told him that
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Heethor, the Paisley Goddess, in her form of Heethorandhafter,
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She-Who-Talks-To-People-In-Boxes, had named him Erectos in honor of his
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singular conception and had charged shrewd Lemur to adopt young Erectos as
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his own son. Loyal Lemur faithfully bowed anew to the will of the Great
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Goddess.
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Erectos grew to be not only tall, handsome, strong, and swift but he
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also proved to be rather clever. He invented many things: the feather
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duster, shoe polish, toenail clippers, and the prophylactic. Some
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speculate that the prophylactic was not really for birth control but to
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disguise the deformation of Erectos' genitalia but this was in truth just a
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nasty rumor started by some young blades who had difficulty satisfying the
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young women after they had slept with robust Erectos. The pious people of
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Lemuria were so impressed by virile Erectos' abilities that they elected
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him to be their king.
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Shortly thereafter deep-chested Brow, God of Mindless Violence,
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appeared unto the perplexed people of Lemuria and spake unto them that if
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they made sacrifices only unto Him and had no other Gods but He, then He
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would make them victorious in every battle and masters of the whole earth.
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But at the same time gentle Lotus, God of Peace, and Heethor, the
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Paisley Goddess in her form of Hythorlinbeestee, Lady of Peace, Sisterly
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Love, and Granola, appeared unto the people together and spake that if the
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people did not believe belligerent Brow but behaved like proper peasant
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people, performing pleasing sacrifices serving several dignified deities,
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They would reward them with plentiful paisley parasols.
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And the pious people were discombobulated by the awesome offers of the
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Gods and asked their king, clever Erectos, to judge the matter. Faithful
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Erectos, remembering the kindness shown him by his divine benefactrix in
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the matter of his birth and infancy, chose the plentiful paisley parasols
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of curvaceous Heethor without pause. Brawny Brow was bitter but bowed to
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the judgement with good grace because of pressure from the other Gods.
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However, shortly thereafter deep-chested Brow induced war- like
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Welhung, King of Ethiopia and Brow's son by the nymph Abyssia, to wage war
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on Lemuria over a matter of boundaries. The peaceful people of Lemuria
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were oversoon overwhelmed by the bellicose battalions of the Brat of Brow.
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Wise Erectos, seeing his people beaten, made a pilgrimage to the
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Oracle of Nepha on Mount Dubedubedu to ask the sweet Goddess what must be
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done to save his loyal subjects. The priestess of Our Lady of Chocolate
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replied that noble Erectos must sever his famous genitalia, for
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unencumbered by its great bulk and weight he should be invincible in
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battle. Brave Erectos made the self- sacrifice and plunged alone into the
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army of unwary Welhung with the wound still gushing hot blood. He slew 16
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men with each great swing of his sword. With each thrust of his oaken
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spear he skewered 16 more. 256 men were boiled alive in the river of his
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scalding blood. 256 more died of shear fright at the look of righteous
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anger on his countenance. At last none of mighty Welhung's army stood but
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undaunted Welhung himself like a single ear of corn left unmowed in great
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field by a mighty reaper at harvest when he pauses for a draught of sweet
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cold spring water from the mountains.
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Then tall Erectos and stout Welhung rushed to embrace each other like
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lovers and met with a clap like thunder. They remained locked in unabated
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combat for four days and four nights but as the dawn of the fifth day
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prepared to leave the bed of night, emasculated Erectos slew wanton
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Welhung, King of Ethiopia, and mounted his severed head on the top of his
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battle standard to proclaim the glory of his victory.
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At that moment deep-chested Brow, God of Mindless Violence, appeared
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before the council of the Gods and demanded the right to execute his son's
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murderer. As Heethor, the Paisley Goddess, was asleep at the time, no-one
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objected. Deep-chested Brow then squashed unlucky Erectos like a bug.
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####===================================================================####
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Scary People
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####===================================================================####
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From: MFW3890@tntech.edu
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Subject: Found Object
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Date: 28 Mar 1993 14:52:34 -0600
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The following advertisement appeared in the Friday, November 22, 1992
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issue of the Harvard Crimson:
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TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH
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10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler.
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9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem.
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8. Near sighted knife juggler.
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7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator.
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6. Grown men named "Biff."
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5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors.
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4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you.
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3. Brain surgeon with hiccups.
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2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw.
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1. People who offer you rugs.
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####===================================================================####
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The Glossary
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####===================================================================####
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[Some of this originally appeared in an earlier edition of Purps. Doc
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Simpsons has updated this greatly. No doubt you will be seeing this again
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once more is added to it. If you read this carefully you should learn all
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manner of important things about OTIS.]
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A
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AIRAMEKO - (see "Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic
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Elder Knights of Otis")
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Akshak - Ancient Sumerian center of Otis-worship.
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Aliens - A general group of non-human, non-terrestrial entities
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who have played both major and minor roles in the history of
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Otis. Throughout the ages, various government agencies have
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attempted to intercept them before they contacted one Pope
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or another. (Refer to the Roswell incident for more detail.)
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Allie, Saint - Patron of Roads, Streets, Lanes, and Boulevards.
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Ameks - One of the evil demiurges (see also "Veesa").
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Ancient Illuminated Rosicrucian Anti-Masonic Elder Knights of
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OTIS - One of the most dangerous and frightening of all of
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the Secret Societies who are really running the world today.
|
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The Elder Knights now have agents in virtually every major
|
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government on Earth, and have recently become the real power
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behind the Gnomes of Zurich.
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"And a large Orange Drink" - A phrase used in a similar way to
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the Judeo-Christian "Amen."
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AntiChrist - A being of immense power who will one day rise up
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and attempt to take over the Earth for its unearthly
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pleasures. The only thing that stands in its way is Elvis.
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Apendix - A human organ created by Otis in Sumerian times to help
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with income tax forms. The income tax confusion, spurred on
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by Spode, has unfortunately outgrown the rather small size
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of this organ.
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Arani - Divine Concubine of Otis.
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Atlantis - Original home of Otisianism. (see "Eporopo")
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B
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Bar Trek - Ancient Otisian drinking game.
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Base sixteen - The most natural and normal system of number
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notation used by good Otisians worldwide for cheques, census
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forms, tax forms, et c.
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Base ten - An evil system of number notation invented and
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propagated by Zakynthians.
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Batrakhomuomakhia - the Histories of Early Atlantis.
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Bauching - (see "Smashmas")
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Bill - An important and symbolic character in the "Banquet of the
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Gods."
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Bissextile Day - February 29 when all good Otisians worship and
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adore the Divine Bisexuality of Otis.
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Blix - God of Pain.
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Blue, Saint - Patron of Alleys.
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B_b - the Name That Should Not Be Uttered.
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Bonanza - A T.V. program space aliens use to learn English with.
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(see also "aliens")
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Borogove - A thin, shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking
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out all round, something like a live mop. Once common in
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Atlantis, they are now extinct due to Zakynthian
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over hunting.
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B-Otis-2 - The Evil Anti-Otis, a snappy dresser. Some believe
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that the "2" stands for "the second letter in the alphabet"
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thus "The Name that Must Not Be Uttered." (see "B_b")
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Others prefer to derive the name from the phrase "Be Otis
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too" referring to the heretical Zakynthian belief that mere
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mortals can attain the mystic powers of the God(dess) of
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Life through black magic. The Anti-Plaidists hold that B-
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Otis-2 and Reiod are identical. (see "Reiod")
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Bowling - According to the Ancient Sumerian balag lamentations
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(see Rhienhart) Otis was a fantastic bowler. The sport was
|
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traditionally invented by Spode.
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Brew Mare's Night - An ancient Otisian holiday in honor of
|
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Rhotos, celebrated from sundown to sunup on the night of
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October 31st when ferverant Otisians, having ritually
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starved themselves for four days, ran howling and gibbering,
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dressed in fantastic and obscene costumes through the
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streets until they came upon the first female horse which
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they tore apart with their bare hands, boiled in a soup, and
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ate. Now celebrated with old cars.
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Brillig - Four o'clock in the afternoon, a propitious time to
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invoke Otis.
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Brow - God of mindless violence. Call 1-800-URA-BROW to speak
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with him in person. (See also "Isenbrau")
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Brown Bucket - An Otisian heresy or offshoot, or perhaps
|
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something altogether new. Members hold the Brown Bucket
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sacred and refuse to discuss That-Which-Was-Contained-
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Therein-When-They-Found-It. The bucket is also Fez shaped.
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Refer to the "Brown Bucket Papers" for more detail. (see
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also "fez")
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Bulltha - an ascended master channeled by several devout
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Otisians.
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Buranun - One of the two sacred rivers of Otis in Sumer. (see
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also "Idigna")
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By the Balls of Brow - A magazine of unadulterated truth,
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available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia,
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MO 65201. Also an Otisian oath. (see "Brow")
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C
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Campaign for the Prevention of Inherited Flatulence - One of the
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organizations Purps has made small (and entirely tax free)
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contributions to. (see "Purps")
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Cats - Small carnivores that live with us.
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Caturkaya - The Four Bodies of Otis Doctrine. Otis is composed
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of four mutually interpenetrating "bodies" consisting of the
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Dharmakaya, the Nirmanakaya, the Sambhogakaya, and the
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Mohakaya. (see all of the above)
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Chad the Fuzzy, St. - Archbishop of Kenyon, Patron of Billiards.
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Chad the Manly, St. - Bishop of Philadelphia, Patron of Grammar.
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Chremes - Goddess of Low-Fat Dairy Products
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Chucks - Extra-dimensional Angelic Beings that take on the form
|
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of sports shoes in the mundane world to assist certain
|
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Otisians in quests of cosmic importance.
|
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Cicciolina, Saint - Patron Saint of Bringing Good Clean Fun to
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Politics.
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Clem - A maverick Otisian Missionary. Also an intelligence agent.
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Confused - Something the typical Otisian usually is. (see also
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"Spode," "Spode, The Game")
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Creiza - Goddess off Eddittinngg.
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Croom - Lesser breaches of proper doctrine. However, at least
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one Otisian Matriarch has declared "It is better to commit
|
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the daring crimes of froom than to participate in the pale
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and unoriginal misdemeanors of croom." From the Atlantean
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"Keroodi-feroomi."
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Ctesipho - God of Twinkies.
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D
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Decimal - (see "Base ten")
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Dentists' office reading - A coveted market for publications in
|
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which Purps has attained a niche. (see also "Purps")
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Desh - Otisian Hell for people who wear Hawaiian shirts. True
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Otisians wear plaid and paisley. (see "Reiod," "Heethor")
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Dharmakaya - the "essence body" of Otis, the universal principle
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of Otisness.
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Diller, Phyllis - A suspected Knight of Otis.
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Disney, Walt - (see "Walt Disney")
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Doc Savage - A crime fighter with mysterious ties to Otis. Some
|
|
believe his very existence in every shape and form carries
|
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the word of Otis. He was born on the yacht "Orion" (a Greek
|
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form of Otis) near the coast of Naxos (see also) Real name:
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James Clark Wildman.
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Dogma - It cannot be a whole without its Catma. That which is
|
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shrouded in secrecy by the Otisian Elders. That which is
|
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whispered across the desert sands by the Knights of Otis.
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That which requires the sending of money to discover.
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Dolphins - All secretly want to have sex with humans.
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Dubedubedu, Mount - Site of the Great Oracle of Nepha on
|
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Atlantis. (see also "Nepha," "Atlantis")
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E
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Eight, The - Also known as "The Eight Who Serve the Four" (see
|
|
also "Four, The") Traditionally counted as Arani, Heethor,
|
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Nepha, Creiza, Mhari-Llyn, Brow, Reaf, and Papsucker. Some
|
|
sects recognize different rosters, however.
|
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Elbo - Goddess of Angles and Grease.
|
|
ELF - Elvis Lives Forever. The motto of the Society of the Love
|
|
Children of Elvis who carry his DNA. Their aim in life is to
|
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continue his spawn forever. (see "Elvis")
|
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Elvis - Is alive and working for Otis. (see also "SBI")
|
|
Encolpius Ebriosus, Publius - Last Pontifex of Otis in Rome. He
|
|
was executed by the Roman emperor Theodosius in 391 CE.
|
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Eporopo the Apostate - Caused Atlantis to sink.
|
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Exekestides - God of Insurance Salesmen
|
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F
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Fawna - The Otisian Bimbo.
|
|
Fez - (1) The greatest of Four Great Tokens borne by the Pope.
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It is vastly superior to the Brown Bucket in spite of the
|
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perverted ideologies of certain heretics.
|
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(2) The holy city of Otis in Morocco.
|
|
Fol - The last season of the Otisian year.
|
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Four - Holy number of Otis.
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Four, The - Otis, Lotus, Rhotos, and Spode. (see all)
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Four Animals of Otis - Alternately given as "haddock, owl,
|
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gerbil, and yak" or "uberlemming, kraken, gerbil, and yak."
|
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Only the gerbil and yak are universally recognized.
|
|
Four Bodies of Otis - (see "Caturkaya")
|
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Four Gates of Dream - Iron, Earthenware, Horn, and Ivory.
|
|
Fourism - The Otisian doctrine that four is the single most
|
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important number in the universe. A radical variant of this
|
|
doctrine is that four and powers of four are the only
|
|
numbers in the universe. In all cases where there appear to
|
|
be, say, five apples, in reality either one apple is an
|
|
illusion sent by the Zakynthians or there are 16 apples, 11
|
|
of which happen to be invisible (due to a Zakynthian mind-
|
|
control device). Whether there can be one (four to the zero
|
|
power) of anything is a hotly debated subject.
|
|
Froom - Forbidden practices and extremely unorthodox doctrines.
|
|
Please note that all froom is optional. From the Atlantean
|
|
"Feroomi." (see also "Croom," "Genki")
|
|
Frop - An unspeakably toothsome herb of the Tibetan mountains.
|
|
Frued - God of Sexual Abstinance and Anal Retention.
|
|
|
|
G
|
|
Gates, Daryl F. - Renowned for his liberal drug enforcement
|
|
policies.
|
|
Gemstone File - The document containing the real truth about the
|
|
JFK assassination. Remarkably, to this day, all references
|
|
to Otis have been omitted.
|
|
Genki - The state of Pure Bliss and Utter Lack of Froom.
|
|
Gentle Persuasion - A book by OTISian Preacher Tim Howland.
|
|
Geoffe, Pope - (see "Jeffe, Pope")
|
|
Gilgamesh - One of Otis' drinking buddies from the old days.
|
|
Gobi Desert - Once a flourishing tropical paradise civilization.
|
|
Now only the Mysterious Stone Fezzes remain. (see "Fez")
|
|
God X - God of Comparative Shopping.
|
|
Goofy - God of Economics.
|
|
Goth-Aliman - Otisian Hell of the Nazi Biker Bitches.
|
|
GRA - Gastronomic Road Accidents. Every year over 15,000 people
|
|
are involved in Gastronomic Road Accidents (GRA's), many
|
|
seriously damaging their vehicles or persons.
|
|
Grbl - God of Suffering.
|
|
Great Purple Brotherhood - The great army of true and loyal
|
|
Otisians, in or out of physical bodies. More primitive
|
|
creeds have attempted to imitate this title but lacking the
|
|
scientific sophistication of Otisianism they have mistaken
|
|
the mostly ultra-violet color referred to in the title for
|
|
white and thus began the long and sad association of white
|
|
with "good" and black with "bad."
|
|
Green shoes - An important part of the Papal Regalia.
|
|
Groundhog Love Hodgepodge Extravaganza - A radio show of Otis
|
|
that preached dogma to the masses and saved many
|
|
individuals.
|
|
|
|
H
|
|
Hallucinogenetics - Something which needs inventing.
|
|
Hathormuta - Incarnation of Heethor as Protectrix of Yaks. Not
|
|
that Yaks need any special protection from Otisians as all
|
|
folktales about Otisian mistreatment of Yaks are pure
|
|
fiction. (see also "Heethor," "Yak")
|
|
Haystack Monument - Site of Pope Jeoffe 1 of the Infinite
|
|
Spellings and Preacher Tim of the House of Blue Light's
|
|
first vision.
|
|
Heethor - The Paisley Goddess, "She Who Never Straightly Doth
|
|
Anything Do." She is especially known for manifesting in
|
|
numerous incarnations, most famously Hythormadaralom (Lady
|
|
of the Pope's Robes) and Heethor Claus (who brings gifts to
|
|
good Otisians on the Wyntr Solstice).
|
|
Heethorandhafter - Incarnation of Heethor as She Who Talks To
|
|
People In Boxes. (see also "Heethor")
|
|
Heethormas - A common Otisian name for the Wyntr Solstice. The
|
|
full 16 Days of Heethormas are rarely celebrated anymore but
|
|
the lesser Four Days are still observed.
|
|
Heethor's Hernia - An Otisian oath.
|
|
Heethymthombang - Incarnation of Heethor as Our Lady of
|
|
Unexpected Plot Twists. (see also "Heethor")
|
|
Henry - God of Gerbils.
|
|
Hexidecimal - (see "Base sixteen")
|
|
High Altitude Tibetan Bovine - (see "Yak")
|
|
Himie Azif - Chief Architect of the Temple of Otis at Akshak.
|
|
Ho-ho - An ancient Otisian greeting for times of crisis and
|
|
sorrow. This was at one time a secret until leaked to the
|
|
general world by the traitor Nik who, to this day, must
|
|
suffer the "Curse of the Red Suit" because of his crime.
|
|
Hoochie Coochie - The Official Ritual Dance of Otis.
|
|
Hoosac Tunnel - The Tunnel of Spode in Williamstown, MA.
|
|
Host of Gambier - First humans to flee Khen-Yan and land on
|
|
Earth.
|
|
House of Blue Light - A mysterious structure of no real defined
|
|
purpose. Sacred to Otisianism as Mecca is to Islam.
|
|
Mentioned in a novel by Mick Farren.
|
|
House of Holiday Foods - A temple of Otis where one must know
|
|
certain mysteries to enter. Spode is said to have been part
|
|
of this House.
|
|
Humpy - The Stumpy Bear. Worshiped in bathtub shrines.
|
|
Hythorlinbeestee - Incarnation of Heethor as Lady of Peace,
|
|
Sisterly Love, and Granola. Often a consort of Lotus. (see
|
|
also "Heethor," "Lotus")
|
|
Hythormadaralom - Incarnation of Heethor as Lady of the Pope's
|
|
Robes. (see also "Heethor")
|
|
|
|
I
|
|
Idigna - (sometimes "Idiglat") One of the two sacred rivers of
|
|
Otis in Sumer, site of the Great Temple of Akshak. (see
|
|
also "Buranun")
|
|
Igehf - An ancient Sumerian temple of Otis.
|
|
IGHF - The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes. (see "money")
|
|
Ijereja - The first priestess of Otis.
|
|
IKO - The Illuminated Knights of Otis.
|
|
Imrana - The Great Cosmic River that runs between the worlds.
|
|
Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes - The Papal See.
|
|
International Yak Liberation Front - One of the early Purps arch-
|
|
foes. Now safely in the custody of the Tibetan Authorities.
|
|
IRBESG - The "I-Was-Raped-By-Extraterrestrials Support Group"
|
|
Isenbrau, St. - 8th Century BCE incarnation of Brow as Patron of
|
|
Fermented Drinks. (see also "Brow")
|
|
Isis - A model goddess who, through her divine powers, ended up
|
|
having her own Saturday morning TV show.
|
|
|
|
J
|
|
Jaka - The Ladder to Otis, the 44-Fold Path to Genkiiness.
|
|
Jeffe, Pope - Current Pontiff of the Worldwide Temple of Otis.
|
|
John - God/dess of Mediocrity.
|
|
John, Rev. - Otisian Luminary and presidential candidate.
|
|
Official Keeper of Humpy the Stumpy Bear. Spoken of in the
|
|
Ancient Otisian Prophesies. (see also "Humpy")
|
|
Johnson, Euphemia, St. - Patron of Spontaneous Combustion.
|
|
Jordan, Adolf - Re-established Otisianism in the late 19th
|
|
century.
|
|
Jubela, Jubelo, Jubelum, and Jubelee - Plotters against Himie
|
|
Azif.
|
|
July 28 - Pee Wee Herman Day.
|
|
|
|
K
|
|
Kalighat - Temple in Calcutta. Otis manifestations have been seen
|
|
here during the Durga Puja. Manifestations always wear a
|
|
big white hat and an apron. In one hand Otis sometimes hold
|
|
a long metal scepter with a wooden handle at one end and a
|
|
large metal plate connected to the other.
|
|
Kenyon College - Location of the Gates of Hell. Property of
|
|
Disney. A land similar to Sumeria. Otis flourishes here.
|
|
Knots, Don - One-time consort of Eris Esoteric.
|
|
|
|
L
|
|
Libation - An excuse to get drunk.
|
|
Lingam - Ancient religious symbol seldom used in modern times.
|
|
Its keepers supposedly showed it to the founders of America.
|
|
Loaf Day - August 2nd, sacred to Lotus, when no good Otisian does
|
|
a lick of work. Food, drink, and the TV remote are all set
|
|
by the bedside the night before and the phone is taken off
|
|
the hook lest some Otisless scum interrupt the worshiper's
|
|
contemplation of peace.
|
|
Lotus - God of Peace. Sometimes known by the epithet "Possessor
|
|
of Dung." Also known as Zizyphus.
|
|
|
|
M
|
|
Maculate Conception - The First Dirty Thought of Mhari-Llyn which
|
|
resulted in the parthenogenesis of Otis.
|
|
Madonna - A symbol that appears in visions.
|
|
MANA-YOOD-SUSHAI - Creator of the Universe, a "deus otiosus."
|
|
Marmota Monax - An important church elder of the late Roman
|
|
Empire.
|
|
McDonald's - A popular fast-food restaurant run by aliens. (see
|
|
"aliens")
|
|
Mhari-Llyn - Goddess of Sex and Bodily Excretions.
|
|
Misgivings Day - The day after Thanksgiving. Otisians celebrate
|
|
by sharing their insecurities over a meal of raspberry tea,
|
|
pop-tarts, and corn flakes.
|
|
Mohakaya - the "confusion body" of Otis, the ineffable
|
|
"otherness" of Otis.
|
|
Money - Please send to 955 Massachusetts Ave, Suite 209,
|
|
Cambridge MA, 02139-9183.
|
|
|
|
N
|
|
Nan Shan Mountains - Site of an ancient Hun burial. Among the
|
|
plunder buried here was a set of clay tablets containing
|
|
prophecies by Onomacritus the Seer made just before his
|
|
execution by Darius of Persia. These prophecies are written
|
|
in a cipher only the Ancient Knights of Otis can understand.
|
|
Naxos - The "never-silent sands of Naxos" were the center of
|
|
Classical Greek Otisianism. The Great Temple of Otis on
|
|
Naxos was said to have been founded by Arijadene who brought
|
|
the cult from Crete.
|
|
Nepha - Goddess of Chocolate Easter Eggs.
|
|
Net, The - The newest realm of Otis' influence. The trail was
|
|
blazed by Pope Jeffe who will go down in history for it.
|
|
New Years Day - April 1.
|
|
Nirmanakaya - the "transformation body" of Otis, the physical
|
|
manifestations of Otis on Earth to give his/her devotees
|
|
deeper, more fulfilling lives.
|
|
Nysa - The Home of the Gods, identified with a mountain peak of
|
|
the same name on the now-sunken island of Atlantis.
|
|
|
|
O
|
|
Oannes - A late Babylonian form of Otis, half fish, half man.
|
|
Odysseus - An euhemerized Greek form of Otis, "Otis-Zeus" (the
|
|
zeta lost its dental aspect by dependent sound change) In
|
|
Homer's epic he admits his true name is Outis (see "Otos")
|
|
Ota - Swahili form of Otis, popular with the Mombasa underworld.
|
|
Otas - Lenape (Delaware) Indian form of Otis.
|
|
Otiosus - Latin form of Otis, demoted in the Empire to the God of
|
|
Leisure.
|
|
Otis - Ancient Atlantean God(dess) of Life. Call 1-800-444-OTIS
|
|
to speak with Otis live. (see also "Otis")
|
|
Otis - Sumerian version of the Atlantean God(dess) of Life,
|
|
identical in all respects to the original. (see "Otis")
|
|
Otisian Directory - Fine dogma from the Pope. (see "Money")
|
|
Otisrobes - Especially the Papal Robes but in a more general
|
|
sense, any ill-fiting and ugly garment.
|
|
Otos - Ancient Greek form of Otis. Also known as "Outis."
|
|
|
|
P
|
|
Padma - Hindu form of Lotus, still worshiped in India today
|
|
divorced from the rest of the Otisian pantheon. (see also
|
|
"Lotus")
|
|
Paisley Goddess - (see "Heethor")
|
|
Papsucker - Grand Vizier of the Gods and Watcher at the Gate.
|
|
Pee Wee Herman - (see "July 28")
|
|
Pope's Birthday Party - The most important celebration of the
|
|
OTISian year. Usually a good opportunity to witness an
|
|
assassination attempt on the Pope.
|
|
Purps - The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode. Also known as the
|
|
Purple Thunderbolt Sutra of Many-Splendored Spode. It is
|
|
currently available in periodical form on BitNet or InterNet
|
|
via HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu (see also "Spode," "SBI")
|
|
Pythia - A brown-suited priestess (possibly goddess) of the Brown
|
|
Bucket cult. (see also "Brown Bucket")
|
|
|
|
Q
|
|
Quadrinity - Usually refers to The Four (see) but sometimes used
|
|
for the Caturkaya (see also).
|
|
Quinapalus - A great Otisian scholar of uncertain date.
|
|
|
|
R
|
|
Ragnarok - The big KA-BLOOIE, the end.
|
|
Rath - A species of green pig sacred to Spode. The last
|
|
survivors were poisoned by Zakynthians in the Bay of Mome
|
|
affair.
|
|
Reaf - God of Mind-Altering Plants. Call 1-800-444-REAF to speak
|
|
with this very powerful deity.
|
|
Reiod - God of Plaid.
|
|
Rhodos - Center of Rhotos worship in Ancient Greece. (see
|
|
"Rhotos")
|
|
Rhotos - God of Death.
|
|
Robb, Reverend - Keeper of the Lemur Spirit.
|
|
Root Races - The four primeval races of humankind that all modern
|
|
humans are descended from: "Fat People," "Skinny People,"
|
|
"Tall People," and "Short People."
|
|
Rotary Club - A sub-division of the IGHF dedicated solely to
|
|
Rhotos. (see "Rhotos," "IGHF")
|
|
Rotomagus - Center of Rhotos worship (means "Rhotos the Magician"
|
|
in Latin) in Roman Gaul. (see "Rhotos")
|
|
Rubber Chicken - One of the Four Great Tokens carried by the Pope
|
|
as symbol of his power.
|
|
|
|
S
|
|
Sambhogakaya - the "bliss body" of Otis, the Otis that just wants
|
|
to party.
|
|
Sanat Kumara - Leader and pilot of the Host of Gambier.
|
|
Sannio - God of Sanitized Toilet Seats, Keeper of the Toilet
|
|
Mysteries.
|
|
SBI Industries - Makers of the world's finest submarine pens,
|
|
patrons of Purps (see), and possible home of Elvis (see
|
|
also).
|
|
Screaming Prophets of Otis Triumphant - A sect of Otisians who
|
|
shun the House of Holiday Foods.
|
|
Scrense - To remove the harmful effects of froom. (see also)
|
|
Senzar - The ancient Atlantean language.
|
|
Sers - Otis' half-brother, God of Mars.
|
|
Shark - Mother of the Divine Child.
|
|
Shaven Yak Day - An important Otisian moveable feast.
|
|
Sinister Ladies of Mystery - 12 dark planetoids orbiting the
|
|
Earth, invisible to current technology. They draw off the
|
|
pure and holy energy of Otis and reflect it back as froom.
|
|
Sister Mary Truman - Legendary leader of the neo-Jesuit
|
|
Apocalyptic Nuns. Knife fighter and former presidential
|
|
candidate. Involved in the infamous "Yak Tossing Scandal."
|
|
Slogath - One of the many Hells of Otisianism.
|
|
Smashmas - June 21, holy to Brow, when good Otisians everywhere
|
|
indulge in mindless violence. Especially popular is the
|
|
custom of "bauching," heaving some large, heavy,
|
|
complicated, and, ideally, expensive object (such as a piano
|
|
or stereo system) out of a high window, attacking the
|
|
remains with baseball bats and chainsaws, and then burning
|
|
any remaining fragments. (see also "Brow")
|
|
Soap - Goddess of Bureaucracy, not to be confused with the
|
|
substance they give you little bars of at motels.
|
|
SOG - Super Occult Genius, a power manifested by devout Otisians.
|
|
Somer - The second season of the Otisian year.
|
|
Spd - Egyptian name of Spode, identified with the star Sirius.
|
|
(probably pronounced "Sped")
|
|
Spering - The first season of the Otisian year.
|
|
Spinach - Otis' favorite food.
|
|
Spode - God of Confusion. Also, an ancient Otisian drinking
|
|
game. (see also "Spode, The Game")
|
|
Spode, The Game - A divine Otisian sacrament.
|
|
Spodos Kulikon - A Classical Greek form of Spode, chiefly
|
|
worshiped in that culture as the God of Drunkards.
|
|
Spontaneous Human Combustion - One of the Otisian mysteries or
|
|
sacraments.
|
|
Stone Fezzes of the Sahara - (see "Fez")
|
|
Subliminal Neckties - Looks just like an ordinary tie until you
|
|
put it under the magnifying glass and see the subliminal
|
|
messages imbedded in the weave. You'll be subliminally
|
|
testifying for Otis every time you walk up to a heathen.
|
|
Sumer - Ancient land where the worship of Otis flourished. Some
|
|
consider this time the Golden Age of Otis. (see also "Otis")
|
|
|
|
T
|
|
Ted - God of Normalcy.
|
|
Tim of the House of Blue Light, Preacher - Right hand man to Pope
|
|
Jeffe and author of Gentle Persuasion.
|
|
Tinfoil - Essential in stopping the brainwashing technology of
|
|
the Zakynthians.
|
|
Toilet Mysteries - The hidden inner teachings of the Illuminated
|
|
Knights of Otis.
|
|
Toilet Plunger - One of the Four Great Tokens carried by Pope
|
|
Jeffe.
|
|
Toveday - An Otisian holiday when toves are rudely awakened from
|
|
their wyntr hibernation to see how they will react. Since
|
|
the extinction of toves, badgers have been used in Europe
|
|
while bears or groundhogs are popular in North America. On
|
|
this day the priests of Spode chase naked women through the
|
|
streets with whips and the common people throw beans at each
|
|
other and cult images. (see also "toves")
|
|
Toves - Ancient Atlantean creatures something like badgers,
|
|
something like lizards, and something like corkscrews. They
|
|
made nests under sundials and lived on cheese. They are now
|
|
all extinct due to the Zakynthian Conspiracy.
|
|
Tutivillus - One of the Angelic Beings in service of Creiza.
|
|
Tyff, Saint - "She of the Bloody Pinking Shears," patron of
|
|
vengeance and castration.
|
|
|
|
U
|
|
Uberlemmings - Large, powerful lemmings with blue eyes and
|
|
lightly pigmented pelts who stand behind the other lemmings
|
|
and push.
|
|
"Utinam Brow rosum gardum proprium tuum visitant" - May Brow
|
|
appear and stay in your rose garden! A common Otisian
|
|
curse.
|
|
"Utinam OTISiani spatium proprium tuum invadant" - May OTIS
|
|
invade your personal space! A common Otisian greeting.
|
|
Ura - An Atlantean term roughly corresponding to "O, great,
|
|
wonderful, really neat-o, extra-special Lord(Lady) God ____"
|
|
(ex. "Ura Otis," et c.)
|
|
|
|
V
|
|
Veesa - One of the evil demiurges (see also "Ameks").
|
|
Vooti - God of Disease.
|
|
|
|
W
|
|
Wabe - The grass plot around sundials. (see also "Toves")
|
|
Walt Disney - A mysterious figure of Otisian legend. He is not
|
|
dead at all, as the media would have the world know.
|
|
Wayne - God of New Jersey.
|
|
Wednesday - The holy day of Otis.
|
|
Wyntr - The fourth and last season of the Otisian year.
|
|
|
|
X
|
|
X-Suh - A benevolent spaceman trapped in an Earth orbit. He
|
|
transmits advice on ether waves of the space-time continuum.
|
|
|
|
Y
|
|
Yak - A hairy high altitude Tibetan bovine animal that should not
|
|
be tossed under any circumstances. Any reports of Yak-
|
|
tossing among Otisians are vicious propaganda spread by our
|
|
enemies.
|
|
Yak Appreciation Day - March 18. Celebrated by heavy drinking
|
|
and howling "Yoooooooo!" from the top of the tallest
|
|
building available at midnight. (see also "Yak")
|
|
Yak Dung - A substance which is smoked in pipes. It is said to
|
|
bring clear thinking. (see also "Yak")
|
|
Yak Liberation Theology - An Otisian heresy popular in South
|
|
America, recently repudiated by Pope Jeffe.
|
|
|
|
Z
|
|
Zakynthians - Evil enemies of all decent Otisians.
|
|
Zakynthos - Ancient home of the vile Zakynthians. (see above)
|
|
Zante - (see "Zakynthos")
|
|
Zanzoona - A universal guide and master teacher, not a soccer
|
|
player.
|
|
Zech - The Love Bunny.
|
|
Zipper - A fastening device invented by Otis to help hold Papal
|
|
Robes together.
|
|
Zizyphus - See "Lotus."
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Purps on Gopher
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Here's the info you need to get Purps off a gopher server. If you can't
|
|
figure this out use the veronica thingie and it will show you. Sadly at
|
|
this time the Purps archives need to be updated a bit. I think they only
|
|
have up to 46. I should be fixing this in a day or two.
|
|
|
|
What is gopher you ask. Gopher is the program that contacts servers all
|
|
over the internet and allows you to collect/read and find all manner of
|
|
amazing information. It is well worth checking out. Plundering gopher
|
|
space would no doubt yeild many a Purps submission.
|
|
|
|
If you can't find a gopher server to play with, write give a yell in our
|
|
direction and we'll see what we can do for you.
|
|
|
|
For those of the Kenyon Crew, Kenyon has a gopher server up and on line
|
|
now.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 93 03:13:21 -0400
|
|
From: "T.S. Davies" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
|
|
|
|
Name=Purps
|
|
Type=1
|
|
Port=70
|
|
Path=1/e-serials/alphabetic/p/purps
|
|
Host=gopher.cic.net
|
|
|
|
Name=Purps
|
|
Type=1
|
|
Port=70
|
|
Path=1/Zines/Purps
|
|
Host=uglymouse.css.itd.umich.edu
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
The Day the Clown Cried
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Lulu originally pointed this out to me.]
|
|
From: revittej@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (REVITTE JOSEPH ALOYSIUS)
|
|
Subject: Re: weird movie legend (Jerry Lewis)
|
|
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 05:04:40 GMT
|
|
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dvand@ctp.com (Derek Vandivere) writes:
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>In article <1993Feb28.003548.17186@netcom.com> rchao@netcom.com (Robert Chao)
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> writes:
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>>I have heard that Jerry Lewis was once in a film about a clown in
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>>a Nazi death camp. The clown's duty was to entertain the children
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>>prisoners as they waited to go off to die. I am not sure whether
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>>Lewis played the clown.
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>>Does this film actually exist? What do you know about it?
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>>
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>>--
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>>Robert Chao
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>>Oakland, California
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>_Spy_ magazine, several months ago. The film (concept) exists, but hasn't
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>been made. Apparently, Lewis wanted it to be his serious ouevre, and just
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>didn't realize what a bad idea the movie was.
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Actually, this infamous movie was filmed! According to the article in Spy,
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(May 1992, "Jerry Goes to Death Camp!") the film was called "The Day the
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Clown Cried" and was filmed around 1972. It exists in a rough cut! The
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story was about an unhappy German clown sent to a concentration camp to
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become sort of a genocidal Pied Piper, entertaining Jewish children as he
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leads them to the gas chambers. The screenplay was written by Charles
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Denton and Joan O'Brien and the film was directed by the nutty professor
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himself. The movie starred Lewis, Harriet Andersson, and Sven Lindberg.
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Harry Shearer is one of the few who have supposedly seen this picture and
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comments "This movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and comedy are so
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badly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be
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like, improve on what it really is. 'Oh my God!'-- that's all you can say.
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####===================================================================####
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The FAQ
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####===================================================================####
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[This is the official Otisian Faq file. It should have all manner of
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important answers to equally important questions. As was said in the intro.
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This issue is designed to teach and illuminate.]
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Fact File for Otis/Otisian/InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes
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Version 1.0 by "Doc" Simpson
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Q: Who is Otis?
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A: Otis is the Ancient Sumerian God/dess of Life. Otis is also
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|
sometimes said to be Atlantian or Extraterrestrial. There is
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|
considerable confusion about the biological sex of Otis. S/He is
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alternately male, female, hermaphroditic, and asexual. Otis is
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|
rarely depicted as an anthropomorphic figure, more commonly S/He
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|
is represented by the Otis Symbol.
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Q: What is the Otis Symbol?
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A: Four arrows pointing outwards at right angles. Three are
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|
joined together at the center but the top arrow is drawn cut off
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|
from the lower three. Some say that this represents the myth in
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|
which Otis's head is cut off and never recovered. Others say it
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looks pretty.
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Q: What does this have to do with Otis Elevators?
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|
A: Elevators represent the 44-fold path to Genkiiness.
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Q: What does this have to do with Otis, Massachusetts?
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A: Otis, Massachusetts is the site of the Haystack Monument where
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the Great Haystack Monument Vision was revealed to Pope Jeffe and
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Preacher Tim.
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Q: What does this have to do with Otis in the movie Animal House?
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A: That's Otis. He loves us.
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Q: What does this have to do with Otis, the drunk, on the Andy
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Griffiths show?
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A: Otis, the drunk, represents the soul intoxicated by pure
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|
joyful union with Otis.
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Q: What is Otisianism?
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A: The humourous religion that worships Otis. This religion is
|
|
notable for its general lack of ideology, its colorful mythology
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|
and rituals, and its rapidly evolving dogma.
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|
In addition to Otis, many other deities are worshiped. The
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|
most important are Lotus, Rotos, and Spode. Recently, Brow and
|
|
Heethor have also risen to promenance. Other gods include Arani,
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|
Creiza, Frude, Reaf, Papsucker, Nepha, Mharillyn, Reiod, and
|
|
Sannio among many others. In addition to Gods, many demi-gods,
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|
heroes, and saints are prayed to for intercession with the Gods.
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|
Special rituals are performed to avoid the influence of
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|
Otisianism's many demons and devils, especially B-Otis-2, the
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|
Sinister Ladies of Mystery, the Four Bad Horsies of the
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|
Apocalypse, and the twin demiurges, Veesa and Ameks.
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Q: What is the InterGalactic House of Fruitcakes?
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|
A: The IGHF is the only fully-registered Otis-worshipping
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|
organization on this pathetic little planet. It is currently
|
|
headed by Pope Jephe I. The address is: IGHF, 955 Massachusetts
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Ave, Suite 209, Cambridge, MA 02139-9183, USA.
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Q: Who is Pope Jephe I?
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|
A: Pope Jeffe (who spells his name many different ways) received,
|
|
along with Preacher Tim, the Haystack Monument Vision that
|
|
revitalized the dying Otisian religion and built it up from
|
|
decaying rubble to the mighty edifice that it is now. His early
|
|
life is shrouded in mystery but it is said that his coming was
|
|
foretold by the alien intelligence X-Suh and that he manifested
|
|
many miraculous signs as a child.
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Q: Why is Pope Geofe a pope? Is Otisianism a form of
|
|
Catholicism?
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|
A: Pope Jeffie is the 13th modern Pope of Otisianism. The first
|
|
modern Pope was the great Victorian scientist and philosopher
|
|
Adolph Jordan. Although Jordan was a member of many religious
|
|
groups including the Theosophists, the Anthroposophists, the
|
|
Swedenborgians, the Rosicrucians, the Golden Dawn, the OTO, and
|
|
the Anglicans, he was never a member of the Roman Catholic
|
|
Church. He got the idea of calling the high priest of the newly
|
|
resurrected Otisian church "pope" from the fact that the last
|
|
Otisian high priest of antiquity, Publius Encolpius Ebriosus, was
|
|
a "pontifex" in the Roman "college" system. Jordan identified
|
|
this with the title "pontifex maximus" given to the Bishop of
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Rome.
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Q: Is this the same as the Cult of Otis?
|
|
A: No. The Cult of Otis worships a serial killer on death row in
|
|
Texas. There is a slight possibility that the Cult of Otis might
|
|
be related to the Black Brothers of Rotos, a monastic order that
|
|
worships the Black Armchair of Death. However, most Otisians
|
|
don't see very much funny in serial killers.
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|
Q: Who is Lotus?
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|
A: The God of Peace, Possessor of Dung, and an all-around sweet
|
|
guy. His main holy day is August 2nd, Loaf Day, when good
|
|
Otisians loaf off all day. Doing any form of unpleasant work is
|
|
considered an unpardonable sin.
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|
Q: Who is Rotos?
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|
A: The God of Death, King of the Underworld, Keeper of the Rubber
|
|
Chicken. His main holy day is October 31st, Brew Mare's Day,
|
|
when starved Otisians dress in wild costumes and make a ritual
|
|
meal out of any female horse in their path.
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Q: Who is Spode?
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|
A: The God of Confusion. His main holiday is May 1st, Bell Ring
|
|
Day, when some Otisians sneak up behind people and ring loud
|
|
bells while others have sex with nameless strangers. One of
|
|
Spode's most powerful incarnations, Edward Spodick of Hong Kong,
|
|
may be reached on BITNet at LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET
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|
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|
Q: Who is Heethor?
|
|
A: The Paisley Goddess, She Who Doth Never Nothing Straightly Do.
|
|
She has appeared in billions of different incarnations over the
|
|
years and her High Priest, Mal 3, is the editor of Purps. Her
|
|
main holy day is Heethormas, December 21st. She appears in her
|
|
avatar of Heethor Claus to deliver toys to small children.
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|
Q: Who is Brow?
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|
A: The God of Mindless Violence. His main festival is celebrated
|
|
on June 21st, Smashmas. Devout Otisians break large delicate
|
|
object into small fragments and dance naked around the burning
|
|
remains.
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|
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|
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|
Q: Are there any rules in Otisianism?
|
|
A: Yes, four.
|
|
1. Never play cards with a man named "Doc."
|
|
2. Never eat at a place called "Mom's."
|
|
3. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than
|
|
your own.
|
|
4. Everything forbidden is optional.
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|
Q: What is the meaning of the fez?
|
|
A: It is a very ancient Otisian symbol. The fez is always worn
|
|
by the Pope and many other devout Otisians. Giant stone fezzes
|
|
still stand in the Gobi desert as a testament to the great
|
|
Otisian civilization that flourished there before the Eye of
|
|
Rotos was turned upon it.
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|
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|
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|
Q: What is the meaning of the yak?
|
|
A: The original Otisian Yak was the Wild Sumerian Yak, now
|
|
extinct thanks to Operation Desert Storm. However, Otisians now
|
|
use Tibetan Yaks for their rituals.
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|
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|
|
Q: Why do Otisians toss yaks?
|
|
A: Otisians do not now, nor have they ever, tossed yaks. That is
|
|
a very nasty unpleasant rumour started by their enemies, the
|
|
Zakynthians, to ruin their reputations. All reports of Otisian
|
|
yak tossing should be ignored as cheap fabrications.
|
|
|
|
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|
Q: Who are the Zakynthians?
|
|
A: Evil people who sacrifice babies, torture animals, destroy
|
|
rainforests, cause unemployment and inflation, undermine family
|
|
values, and eat dinner with their salad fork. They have been the
|
|
mortal enemies of the righteous saintly Otisian religion for
|
|
11,000 years. The insidious mind-control devices that the
|
|
Zakynthians have installed outside of all major cities may be
|
|
counteracted with lots of tin foil.
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|
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|
Q: Honestly now, is there any historical truth in this stuff?
|
|
A: Of course, everything in Otisianism is true. However,
|
|
relatively little is documented in non-partisan sources. A quick
|
|
survey of easily verified second-party references is included for
|
|
the sceptical. Otis is mentioned in passing in cuneiform tablets
|
|
from Akshak but is given a much more lengthy treatment in Greek
|
|
mythology (spelled Otos). Arani (spelled Arinna) was known to
|
|
the Hittites and is attested to in the theophoric name "Aranare"
|
|
in Minoan Crete. Both Heethor (Hathor) and Nepha (Nephthys) are
|
|
well-known in Egyptian mythology. Spode appears in Egyptian
|
|
astrology (Spd) and in Hellenistic drinking rituals (Spodos
|
|
Kulikon). Rotos's name survives in the place-names Rhodos
|
|
(Rhodes) and Rotomagus (Rouen) which were important cult-centers.
|
|
Lotus (Padma) is still commonly worshiped in Hinduism.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: What makes Otisianism better than, or even different from,
|
|
Erisianism, the Church of the Subgenius, the Reformed Hassidic
|
|
Druids, the Church of Beaver Cleaver, or any of the many other
|
|
humourous religions around today?
|
|
A: Otisianism officially recognizes the Erisians as a sister
|
|
faith of great wisdom with whom the old Greek temples of Otos had
|
|
many ties in antiquity. However, now that the hippies are all
|
|
fat suburban bureaucrats or New Age gurus and LSD has become a
|
|
"dangerous narcotic" the wind is all out of their sails. None of
|
|
those who have laid claim to the name recently has shown one
|
|
sixteenth of the brilliance of the original Principia Discordia.
|
|
The SubGenii are over the hill but not dead yet. "Bob" is
|
|
held in orthodox Otisianism to be "the name that may not be
|
|
spoken." Any high school-educated McDonald's check-out clerk can
|
|
see the humour in a saviour named "Bob." For this reason (and
|
|
their adverts on MTv) the Church of the SubGenius will always
|
|
attract the bulk of the herd. As far as those who worship Otis
|
|
are concerned, they are welcome to them.
|
|
Otisianism is a gourmet taste, like snails or chocolate-
|
|
covered ants, that even the hard-core gastronomic adventurer may
|
|
pass up. Otisian doctrine is obscure, complex, and rapidly
|
|
changing. Hours of research may be required to discover that
|
|
obscene pun in Swahili or tasteless reference to Hurrian funeral
|
|
practice. One contributor's inside joke about Joseph Conrad may
|
|
be seized upon by a second contributor to be the basis of her
|
|
rewrite of a Bavarian fairy tale in a science-fiction setting.
|
|
This creates endless layers of silliness that not even the most
|
|
astute Otisian observer, certainly not the participants
|
|
themselves, could ever hope to completely untangle. Many items
|
|
of Otisian dogma are also propagated for a limited time only,
|
|
such as the Otisian Weekly Mailings.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: Are there any Otisian periodicals?
|
|
A: There are four important ones at this writing.
|
|
The "Otisian Directory" (and its occasional companion, the
|
|
"Otisian Yellow Pages") is put together by Pope Jefi himself.
|
|
This magazine is usually a mixture of Otisian dogma and art with
|
|
reviews of other zines and music. Often the reviews are shot
|
|
through with long digressions on Otisian theology, politics, or
|
|
autobiography by the Pope. The digressions are frequently more
|
|
interesting than the works being reviewed. The Otisian Directory
|
|
is about four bucks per issue from the InterGalactic House of
|
|
Fruitcakes, above.
|
|
The "Otisian Weekly Mailings" are solid dogma in collage
|
|
form, usually one page each, almost never once a week. Again,
|
|
the Pope writes this himself so its frequency is dependent upon
|
|
cash flow and work load at his day job. In theory, every Otisian
|
|
should fervently worship, for that one week only, the item or
|
|
concept expounded in the Weekly Mailing. Send "some cash" and
|
|
see how long he'll keep you on the list. Highly recommended.
|
|
"By the Balls of Brow" is edited by Rev. John, Otisianism's
|
|
US presidential candidate. It is a compilation of the very best
|
|
Otisian texts along with original art. "By the Balls of Brow"
|
|
seems to come out once a year and costs four bucks. It is
|
|
available from Pagan Publishing, 1409 Wilson Ave, Columbia, MO
|
|
65201 who also print a fantastic Call of Cthulhu magazine.
|
|
Highly Recommended.
|
|
"The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode" is affectionately known as
|
|
"Purps" to most Otisians. Purps is an electronic magazine
|
|
available on InterNet, BitNet, and associated computer networks.
|
|
It is edited by the infamous Mal 3. Great gobs of Otisian
|
|
mythology are first brought to light there and it constitutes
|
|
that fastest moving theological forum in Otisianism. If you have
|
|
access to such a computer net, Purps is a MUST! It is available,
|
|
completely free of charge, by writing to
|
|
HailOtis@SocPsy.Sci.FAU.Edu It is available in snail-mail form
|
|
(send SASE) from SBI-Submarine Pens, 4521 S. Ocean Blvd, Highland
|
|
Beach, FL 33487.
|
|
At least two magazines that ran early Otisian material, the
|
|
"Owl Creek Journal" and "Gateway," are now defunct but many more
|
|
are in the planning stage, including one in Polish from Doc
|
|
Simpson. Keep your ears pricked for new developments.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: Is there an Otisian book?
|
|
A: The "Peganagyo" (author unknown), the "Batrakhomuomakhia" by
|
|
Pigres of Karia, the "Verae Historia" by Lucian, and the
|
|
"Necronomicon" by Abdul Alhazred are all rather old Otisian works
|
|
that may be found in almost any university library worth its
|
|
salt. The complete works of Adolph Jordan are somewhat harder to
|
|
find. A new book designed to appeal to a modern age is, at this
|
|
writing, in the works. Please be waiting for what is sure to be
|
|
its world-shaking publication some time in autumn 1993.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*****************************************************************
|
|
Copyright Notice: This document may be reproduced, stored in a
|
|
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
|
|
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise
|
|
without any permission from the author providing this copyright
|
|
notice is included and no portions are altered, deleted, or
|
|
rendered unintelligible. S.P.Simpson 28 May 1993
|
|
*****************************************************************
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Phone Sex
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Subject: Re: Phone Sex Reaches Out to Girl Scout Callers
|
|
From: system@codewks.nacjack.gen.nz (Wayne McDougall)
|
|
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 93 16:31:38 NZST
|
|
|
|
sharonc@meaddata.com (Sharon Crichton) writes:
|
|
|
|
First heard this on the news this week. This came through on the UPI wire
|
|
and I thought readers would find it amusing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
HEADLINE: Phone sex reaches out to Girl Scout callers
|
|
|
|
Some callers who want to use an 800 number to reach the Girl Scout's
|
|
local office instead get to hear a seductive telephone sex service message.
|
|
|
|
The Girl Scouts' 800 number, which it used since 1984, was dropped
|
|
last year. But the listing remains in telephone books distributed last
|
|
month by Ameritech Publishing.
|
|
|
|
An unidentified sex line snapped up the number, which spells out
|
|
800-BAD-GIRL.
|
|
|
|
A voice greets callers with a "Hi lover. Call us love right now ...
|
|
for the wildest sex party ever."
|
|
|
|
Callers are then told to call another 800 number and instructed to
|
|
leave their phone numbers for a return collect call.
|
|
|
|
"We're not pleased at all," said Jane Crites, executive director of
|
|
the Applesee Ridge Girl Scout Council. "The message you get is surely not
|
|
reflective of the Girl Scout program."
|
|
|
|
AT&T told Girl Scout officials said they would try to persuade the
|
|
sex-line operator to agree to place a block on the line on the number in
|
|
northwest Ohio.
|
|
|
|
Callers from northwestern Ohio now get a recording stating that the
|
|
number was out of service in the 419 area code.
|
|
|
|
Ana Gabriel, an AT&T spokeswoman who would not reveal the identity of
|
|
the sex-line operator, said the company could not force the telephone sex
|
|
line to make the change. She said AT&T has a policy of waiting six months
|
|
before re-assigning telephone numbers.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
--Subink 1993
|