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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 47
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"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Hello and welcome to a "catch-up" issue of Purps. This issue is mostly full
of submissions and what not that have come across our mail box and have
been laying around collecting dust. Hopefully the next issue of Purps will
be a lot less catch up material.
Anyways I'll end this here seeing as I want to get this sent out and keep
my promise. Enjoy.
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings #6
####===================================================================####
[Yes he's back and better than ever. More Ponders to Follow]
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 21:23:11 -0500 (EST)
From: Pope Jephe <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: Papal Ponderings #6
Papal Ponderings #6: Pope Jepheee I of the IGHF, 955 Mass. Ave,Suite 209,
Cambridge, MA 02139 USA.
This week, a key secret of the universe revealed, plus: how to get out those
annoying coffee stains.
Sometime in July of 1989 I saw a lynx. It was a fair sized lynx (i.e.
about twice the size of your average tabby), with tan coloring and the
obligatory black tipped ears, and it watched me for several seconds, before
becoming disinterested. Nothing is all that surprising in any of this,
except for the location of the lynx. It was sitting passively on the porch
of the Williams College Faculty House, on the corner of Park and Main
streets in Williamstown, MA.
Now, as you all know, there really aren't supposed to be any lynx in
Massachusetts, and the nearest zoo to Williamstown that might contain one
is, to my knowledge, near Boston, 240 miles to the east. So unlike the
occasional moose that has been known to roam up and down the streets of
Williamstown in the wee hours of the morning, the lynx, rather out of place, caught a great deal of attention, everything from a team of experts to
a photo on the front page of the Williamstown Advocate (thus achieving in
three hours what took the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes three years).
A few nights ago I hotfooted it down to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural
History to arrive (late) at a lecture on cryptozoology being given by the
illustrious Benard Heuvelmans. Technically, Heuvelmans isn't interested in
my lynx. Cryptozoology is a science devoted (mostly) to the study of
mythological, legendary, or supposedly extinct creatures, and my lynx was
none of these. However, cryptozoology has been known to occasionally poke
its curious nose into out of place animals as well (pumas in Florida and
New England being prime examples), and Heuvelmans was more than happy to
give me an explanation for the appearance of a lynx in north-western
Massachusetts; many animal species are more wide-spread than we think they
are.
Actually the answer is a little more complex than that. It has to do with
the very nature of the universe. I promised a secret of the universe in
the title of this piece, and here it is: the universe has a nasty tendency
to bend to human whims. This can be proven with a simple experiment. Pick
a number, any number. Try, as best you can, to pick a number which has no
special meaning for you. Keep it simple or write it down so you can
remember it. Decide, in your mind, that this is a special number for you.
Saying this out loud is usually effective. Now, over the next week, keep
your eyes open for any occurrences of your number. The Pope will make a
small wager with you: if the number you chose is between one and 999, you
will see it many, many times (not surprising) and probably in a fairly
significant context for most of them (slightly more surprising). If it's
higher than 999, you may not see it quite as much, or quite as
significantly (that can be changed: expand the duration of the experiment
to a month and watch the results). The Pope's promise to you is this: if
you don't see the number at all, he promises not to send you even one of
the countless $10,000 gold bricks he has embezzled from the House treasury
over the past few years. If that sounds too good to be true, read the
preceding sentence again, more carefully this time.
After the week is up, you will be so tired of seeing your number that you
will want to call the Pope up and bitch at him personally (adding something
in about his recent habit of referring to himself in the third person
singular, no doubt). Fortunately, you don't have my phone number. Not only
will you have seen the number you chose, you will have seen it in
extraordinary circumstances. You may find that all the numbers in your
address total it when added, or see an article in a magazine written by
someone who shares your name starting on a page equal to it. It may appear
on road signs or in news reports, or over and over again in a book you're
reading. Whatever the case, you will be plagued by it.
So what, exactly, is going on? The skeptics among you will say nothing
unusual; the number has always been around, but now you are conscious of it.
While that argument may explain away the number of occurrences of your
number, it does little for placement. It's easy enough to explain away
numerous occurrences, but why, pray tell, did you choose a number that is
the total of the digits of your zip code? Why did you receive a number of
pieces of mail equal the number you chose during the week you chose it? Why
has a local graffiti artist chosen to spread it all over the walls of your
street, without explanation? (Trust me, things similar to this will
happen.) The answer is simple; the universe has responded to your urges.
The universe does this all the time.
I saw my lynx because in the great scheme of things, the cosmos sees no
particular reason why a lynx shouldn't be sitting on a brick wall hundreds
of miles from it appropriate habitat as anywhere else. The universe has
very little respect for its own laws of physics and none at all for laws of
common sense.
---ooops... the rest of this got clipped. I'll send it shortly--
PJI
####===================================================================####
1992 doublespeak awards
####===================================================================####
[Those of you seeking new recruits for the herd of OTIS should keep some of
these double speak examples in mind. Techniques like this could be useful.]
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 19:29:34 -0500
From: Fawn Fitter <fsquared@eff.org>
Subject: 1992 doublespeak awards
>From: bfrg9732@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Brian F. Redman)
>Subject: 1992 Doublespeak Awards
>Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 20:18:03 GMT
1992 Doublespeak Awards
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
From the November 20th issue of the Champaign-Urbana "News- Gazette."
(summation of article)
Doublespeak Awards Find Fertile Ground in Politics
(Champaign-Urbana, November 20, 1992) -- Doublespeak has just about driven
William Lutz to the brink of -- "mental activity at the margins."
That euphemism was just one gem discovered by the Rutgers University
English professor for the 1992 Doublespeak Awards, announced today in
Urbana by the National Council of Teachers of English.
The annual awards -- intended to call attention to language that is
"grossly deceptive, evasive and euphemistic" -- were bestowed during the
council's convention in Louisville, Kentucky.
Among the nominees:
*** Instead of being laid off, workers are "involuntarily terminated" as
companies "reposition," "reshape," "realign" and "reduce duplication"
through a "release of resources," "permanent downsizing" or "payroll
adjustment."
*** Along with other newfound freedoms, the people of Moscow can now visit
"intimacy salons" -- sex shops, as they are known in other countries.
*** U.S. soldiers should pay close attention to the Army's warning that
exposure to nerve gas may cause "immediate permanent incapacitation" --
that is, death.
*** Students who stand still are now in a state of "spatial anchoring."
*** Removing books from the library isn't censorship, just a case of
"weeding" books.
*** Colleges don't drop failing students, they "expedite their progress
toward alternate life pursuits."
*** Electric fans are now "high-velocity, multipurpose air circulators."
*** Radio and television commercials are now referred to as "value
minutes."
*** A U.S. Department of Energy nuclear fuel dump is a "monitored
retrievable storage site."
*** The Environmental Protection Agency now refers to acid rain as "wet
deposition."
*** Politicians in Canada engage in "reality augmentation" but would never
say that they'd lied.
And the winners are:
3rd place -- All the politicians who put the phrase "family values" at the
center of the 1992 political campaign. An ambiguous and vague phrase, it
"exploited intense feelings aroused by the idea of the family to celebrate
their [i.e. politicos] own idea of what constitutes the best domestic
arrangement."
2nd place -- The Republican and Democratic parties for "claiming they are
for reforming the way political campaigns are financed, even while they
continue to seek and accept large contributions from special-interest
groups, corporations, and wealthy individuals."
1st place -- President Bush for various novel uses of language, including
calling for "less proliferation of all different kinds of weapons" as the
Department of Defense reversed a 25-year policy and began supporting arms
trade shows around the world.
Finally, the 1992 George Orwell Award for Distinguished Contribution to
Honesty and Clarity in Public Language went to Donald Barlett and James
Steele, authors of "America: What Went Wrong." The authors received the
award for cutting through "the political and economic doublespeak used to
justify the economic policy of the 1980s" to reveal "who is and isn't
paying the price in the '90s."
####===================================================================####
Evil villages dispelled!!
####===================================================================####
[First they were biting wax tadpoles.. now this.]
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 21:58 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: Evil villages dispelled!!
_South China Morning Post_ - 22 November 1992
_Devils expelled as villages clean up their act"
A government agency has succeeded in wiping Ng Kwai Shan off the
Hongkong map, but nearby villagers don't mind at all.
It's name, which translates to "Five Devils Hill" in Cantonese,
is to be changed to make it less aggravating to fung shui adherents.
But that's nothing compared to some village names in Hongkong, which
make even the most-travelled postman blush.
The hill, known simply as Black Hill in English, has fallen foul
of a clean-up campaign by the Geographical Place Names Board, which is
determined to revamp the map, wiping away names that either bring bad
luck or have definite category III ratings [equivalent to R and X ratings
in the USA -ed.].
Ng Kwai Shan, near Junk Bay, has had its middle Chinese
character changed to bring about better fung shui. From "Five Devils
Hill" it now sounds like "Five Wealthy Hill".
And while native English speakers may never know what all the
fuss is about, when read aloud, other place names are certainly not
lost on Cantonese ears. Take for example Fan Kwai Chau and Ham Lun
Kok - or, if you prefer, "Foreign Devil's Sex Organ" and "Oral Sex
Corner".
Not surprisingly, the bureaucrats have renamed Fan Kwai Chau
as Pyramid Rock, while Ham Lun Kok will now be known as Yau Lung
Kok, or "Swimming Dragon Cape".
The announcement of these new names suggests the Government
has either lost its sense of humour or is campaigning against
spiritual contamination.
The Place Names Board's task is daunting. The Chinese
University so disliked the KCR stop being called Ma Liu Shui,
or "horse's urine", it decided to change it to Tai Hok (University)
some years ago.
Scanning through a Hongkong map, it is not uncommon to
find places with names such as Fong Pin Sho ("toilet place"),
Ngau Shi Wu ("cow dung lake"), and Kau Shi Wai ("dog excrement
farm"). And these are just the clean ones.
[remainder deleted - much more boring :)]
####===================================================================####
50 ways to confuse your roommate
####===================================================================####
[For those of you sick and tired of your room mate after living with them
last semester might take these suggestions to heart.]
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 22:00 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: 50 ways to confuse your roommate
From: wre1@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (Wm. Randy Esposito)
Subject: 50 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
Date: 29 Sep 92 05:04:03 GMT
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out
of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat
it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
####===================================================================####
Joe Bob Goes to the Computing Center
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 22:02 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: more fun!
From: IN%"mfi@uxmail.ust.hk" 9-NOV-1992 16:38
Subj: Joe Bob!
From: morgan@ms.uky.edu (Wes Morgan)
Subject: Joe Bob Goes to the Computing Center
[This one's original; it's a parody]
[Note for non-US readers: Joe Bob Briggs is the nom de plume of a Texas
newspaper columnist who only reviews drive-in movies. His columns are
known for stereotypical "redneck" style, and he rates movies on a sliding
scale of breasts, blood, and rolling extremities. He's also a big fan of
kung fu (or, as he calls it "chopsocky".......]
_Demon Seed_ Ain't Got Nothing on These Boys
I've never trusted computers; my bank makes too many mistakes with theirs.
Anyway, I found myself in Lexington, Kentucky awhile back (those dadburned
fools turned the Kentucky Theatre into an indoor pile of bullstuff; it used
to be the only indoor place worth a trip), so I dropped in on a guy who'd
sent me a couple of letters recently.
Well, my knowledge of computers comes from _Demon Seed_, so I was expectin'
eerie red lights and strange things sticking out from cabinets with lots of
beeps and whistles. I wasn't disappointed with the Engineering Computing
Center; they had blinkin' lights and beeps to spare. They *said* that
nobody'd been impregnated by their computers, but the darn things just sat
there and gave off a self-satisfied hum. The guys there started telling me
about "walking disk drives" and "zombie processes", and I said to myself
"Joe Bob, these guys are working in a digital Drive-In."
These computers have it down pat. You get to use commands like "kill" and
"chill", and they actually DO SOMETHING! My pal typed in "kill 29382", and
somebody across the room screamed in pain! This was all right by me, and
getting better all the time. He typed in "chill" and everything started
slowing down, just like old Dr. Freeze in _Batman_ (the original, not the
Micheal Keaton bullstuff). They chant in weird languages (one thing
sounded like "foo-bang-bar-percent-baz-at-uunet", and it did some voodoo
thing), and they have all these books that nobody but them can read.
They've got their heart in the right place, too; every command gives you a
dollar sign back, and that's the 'Merican way!
I started to think that some of these guys were Commies, though, 'cause
they were writing in chickenscratch that HAD to be a Secret Red Code. I'm
talkin' stuff like "int (*(*(*x)[4])())[4];", and I was sure that the Reds
were gonna send an Eye-Cee-Bee-Em over soon as spit. Well, they told me
that they were really telling the computers what to do, just like they did
in _Logan's Run_. That put my mind at ease, let me tell you. Then one of
'em started saying "there is another system", and I thought I was smack dab
in the middle of _Colossus: The Forbin Project_; turned out it was their
idea of a joke.
Then they started talking about 'retiring' a computer; I was about to ask
what kinda pension a chunk of metal got. They took some big thing called a
'degausser' and started waving it over everything. Well, they told me that
it could erase any tapes or magnetic stuff, and I decided that I'm gonna
get one and head over to the Commie Video people and wipe 'em out.
Well, anyway, I was mucho impressed with the boys at UK, and I've got some
ideas for new movies; I'm gonna call To be with these.
Four quarts blood (the students tryin' to use these things). One half
breast (they printed it out on the line printer thingy). Three zombies,
one of which *refuses to die*. Gratuitous JCL. Gratuitous 3B2. Punch
card fu. Diskette
fu. Degausser fu. Drive-In Academy Award nomination for the user who said
"the computer ate my program, and it won't give it back!".
Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
####===================================================================####
bedroom golf - the rules
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 22:03 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: bedroom golf - the rules
From: ALBANY::RB4572 "It's in those eyes... it's gonna happen anyway."
RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irritated if they discover
someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the solo judge of who is the best player.
####===================================================================####
library sex and meaningless, existential hell!
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 22:05 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: library sex and meaningless, existential hell!
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 1992 01:34 EDT
From: "M. Yasar Iscan" <ISCAN@ACC.FAU.EDU>
Subject: Men, Women, Library, and Existentialism
From: IN%"FRASER@SERVAX.BITNET" 23-MAR-1992 01:21:43.73
According to a recent Esquire magazine survey:
Percentage of college students who think that people who sit in the front
row in class and raise their hands a lot are total losers:
30.1%
Percentage who have had sex in the college library:
10.0%
Percentage of men and women who believe that life is ultimately a
meaningless, existential hell, or who believe that we are place on this
planet to serve some greater purpose:
Men Women
Meaningless, existential hell 26.6% 12.8%
Serves some greater purpose 73.4% 87.2%
How I love social science data!
S.
####===================================================================####
Loony Laws
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 22:07 HKT
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: last one in this flow
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 17:31:37 -0500
From: Laura.V.McDowell@CYBER.WIDENER.EDU
We received a new book in the library today called _Loony Laws... That You
Never Knew You Were Breaking_ by Robert Wayne Pelton. The following are a
few of my favorites:
It is illegal for women in Saco, Missouri to wear hats that "might frighten
timid persons, children, or animals."
In Oxford, Ohio it is illegal for a woman to take off her clothes in front
of man's picture.
In North Carolina, it is illegal to use an elephant to plow a cotton field.
In Omaha, Nebraska it is against the law for a barber to shave a man's
chest.
In St. Louis, Missouri no woman may be rescued by a fireman if she is
wearing a nightgown. She must be fully clothed.
In Brewton, Alabama it is illegal to fish from a motorboat while it is
being driven down a highway or street.
(My personal favorite:)
In Houston, Texas all prospective dogcatchers must report to a
psychoanalyst and be psychoanalyzed. Only then will they be seriously
considered for the job.("Tell me, Mr. Johnson-- when did you first notice
this desire to pick up animals?)
On an international note:
Men can be executed by firing squad in Mogadishu, Somalia if they get
caught vocally opposing the law that gives equal rights to women.
In Kenya, any foreigner caught streaking "will be immediately arrested,
escort directly to the airport in the nude, and put aboard the first
available aircraft to his country of origin." However, local citizens can
streak all they want.
Persons caught jaywalking in Swat, a tiny Himalayan state, are forced to
run along the road until they fall over from total exhaustion.
And finally:
A driving regulation in Tokyo, Japan is translated for English-speaking
drivers as: "When a passenger of the foot hooves into sight, tootie the horn
trumpet. If he still obstacles your passage, tootie him with vigor and and
express by word of mouth warning, 'Hi Hi.'"
:-) :-) :-)
Laura
P.S. Did I mention that it's illegal in Miami for men to wear strapless
gowns?
####===================================================================####
Turkey Shoot Called Off
####===================================================================####
Subject: [alt.censorship: The Secret Service strikes again...]
Date: Sat, 28 Nov 92 23:42:04 -0500
From: "T.S. Davies" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
>From: wdstarr@athena.mit.edu (William December Starr)
Subject: The Secret Service strikes again...
Date: 21 Nov 92 17:01:40 GMT
>From the 11/20/92 Boston Globe, p.21 (attributed by the Globe to the
Orlando Sentinel; lord knows how much editing was done to the original
O.S. version):
Secret Service vetoes a target
------------------------------
Orlando, Fla. -- A right-wing Young Republican group, bowing to
pressure from the US Secret Service, yesterday backed off plans to use
enlarged photos of President-elect Bill Clinton as targets for a weekend
turkey shoot.
"They came down hard on us, saying we threatened the President,
things like that," said David Abrami, vice president of the Central Florida
Young Republican Club. "So we canceled it."
When Abrami heard the Secret Service was investigating, he was
worried. Yesterday morning, he spoke with the Secret Service, then decided
to cancel the event.
"We just figured he's head of the Democratic Party right now, and
we're Republicans," said Abrami. "We thought it would be a nice parody.
We didn't mean any ill will by it."
####===================================================================####
The First 100 Days
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1992 15:41:19 EST
From: "I love Indiana." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: well, I found this amusing...and I voted for him, too.
From: MX%"tkeeling@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu" 24-NOV-1992 14:07:37.97
THIS IS TAKEN FROM A VERY FUNNY ARTICLE IN A NEWSPAPER:
The First 100 Days Of The Clinton Presidency.
Day 1: Taking a page from Jimmy Carter, Clinton passes on the limo ride.
He jogs down Pennsylvania Avenue. His speech is an impressive appeal for
national unity, but unfortunately he loses his voice halfway through and
delivers the remainder of the text with hand signals. It takes the
audience four hours to get "infrastructure." Half the country leaves the
event thinking the Vice-President is named "Sounds Like Spore."
Day 2: Executive Order 001 repeals the 1980's to great national
rejoicing. The construction industry immediately rebounds as huge teams of
workers begin to disassemble all the skyscrapers and strip malls built in
the last 10 years. Michael Milken dissolves before his jailers' eyes.
Ronald Reagan's hair instantly turns white.
Day 3: Inflation is in double digits, and, oddly enough, several hundred
Americans are being held hostage by Iran. President Clinton explains that
he was overly broad in his zeal to undo the last 10 years, and announces he
is repealing only those portions of the 80's in which some people did
better than other people. Construction crews begin to reassemble the
skyscrapers - but only certain floors.
Day 4: The Clinton Legislative Agenda arrives in Congress. Aerial
photography captures the stirring sight of the 150-truck convoy as it pulls
up to the steps of the capitol.
Day 5: President Clinton, worried about the constitutionality of sending
troops to Bosnia without congressional approval, persuades the Reagan-Bush
era Supreme Court appointees to go to Sarajevo and investigate the matter.
He personally drives them to the airport and puts them on the plane, and
suffer minor scratches trying to fit the seat belt on a struggling Justice
Souter.
Day 6: A grim President Clinton announces he will submit his nominations
to fill the five new Supreme Court Vacancies after his 100 days have
passed. In the meantime, Mario Cuomo will sit on the court, pending
medical examinations confirming he has the egos of five men.
Day 7: Based on a quick skim of the bill of loading, Congress passes the
legislation contained in the first 37 tractor-trailers.
Day 8: Taking a page from Amy Carter, Chelsea Clinton builds a tree
house. Actually she just files the environment impact statement. This
forces the new administration's first crisis. Vice President Gore
privately protests that the planned construction does not take into account
the needs and desires of the tree. Homeless advocates assail the house as
a cruel boast of plenty in the shadow of need. Chelsea changes plans and
builds a cardboard box on a heating grate behind the West Wing.
Days 11-98: Congress passes everything, but in its haste to conclude its
efforts, members mix up the bills. The result: a tax on all college-loan
recipients who make more then $200,000 and are currently working for a
foreign corporation that is rebuilding the infrastructure. Estimated
revenue: $3.79. The news media has a field day with the one person who
actually fits the criteria; a bewildered kid from Omaha.
Day 99: Clinton goes on TV to talk about his accomplishments. "The
nation is moving forward," he says hoarsely. He uses geological charts and
diagrams of plate tectonics to prove that the U.S. will physically move
farther in his administration than during the entire Reagan-Bush era. The
stock market soars on rumors that the U.S. will move a half-centimeter to
the East in the next quarter. "It's not only morning in America," Clinton
exults. "It's morning a fraction of a second earlier than it was under the
Republicans."
Day 100: And he saw that it was good. And he rested.
####===================================================================####
Iraqi vs American
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 04 Dec 1992 01:51:51 EST
From: "There's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this, and I
haven't the slightest idea what it is." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: to add to the length of future issues
From: KENYON::KEELING "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of
beauty." 3-DEC-1992 15:41:32.23
Subj: Here is another little tidbit I found amusing...enjoy.--TOM
From: MX%"vu0350@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu" 2-DEC-1992 23:25:47.11
Subj: Iraq vs. U.S. ;)
From: vu0350@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu (allen lutins)
Subject: Iraq vs. U.S. ;)
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 92 23:23:08 EST
Average Iraqi
Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American
Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park
Average Iraqi
Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American
Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi
Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American
Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi
Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West
Average American
Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies
Average Iraqi
Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American
Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die
Average Iraqi
Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest
Average American
Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip
####===================================================================####
Bored in the Antarctic
####===================================================================####
Subject: [SEMIOS-L: semiotics at the south pole]
Date: Sat, 05 Dec 92 14:55:36 -0500
From: "T.S. Davies" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
Shades of Cornell....
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1992 09:26:00 CST
Sender: Visual and Verbal Semiotics <SEMIOS-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
>From: Gary Shank <P30GDS1@NIU.BITNET>
Subject: semiotics at the south pole
this is what semiotics is all about....gary
>From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985
"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work"
... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at
the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People
in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographic
films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and
adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that
relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand them. ...
####===================================================================####
Academic Flow Chart
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1992 09:45 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET
Subject: FWD: academic humor
Date: 26 Oct 92 15:04:13 MDT
From: Joel <ZUCKJOEL@ol.isu.edu>
Subject: collegiate hierarchy humour
reply to: zuckjoel@ux1.isu.edu
UNIVERSITY HIERARCHY
__________________________________________
|THE DEAN |
|Leaps tall buildings in a single bound |
|I more powerful than a locomotive |
|Is facter than a speeding bullet |
|Walks on water |
/ |Gives policy to God |
/ ------------------------------------------
/
_________________________________________
|THE DEPARTMENT HEAD |
|Leaps short building in a single bound |
|Is more powerful than a switch engine |
|Is just as fast as a speeding bullet |
|Talks with God |
-----------------------------------------
|
|
|
_________________________________________________________________
|PROFESSOR |
|Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds |
|Is almost as powerful as a switch engine |
|Is faster than a speeding BB |
|Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool |
|Talks with God if a special request is honored |
-----------------------------------------------------------------
\
\
\
_____________________________________
|ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR |
|Barely clears a Quonset Hut |
|Loses tug of war with a locomotive |
|Can fire a speeding bullet |
|Swims well |
|Is occasionally addressed by God |
-------------------------------------
/
/
/
___________________________________________________________________
|ASSISTANT PROFESSOR |
|Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings |
|Is run over by locomotives |
|Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury |
|Treads water |
|Talks to animals |
-------------------------------------------------------------------
/
/
/
___________________________
|INSTRUCTOR |
|Climbs walls continually |
|Rides the rails |
|Plays Russian Roulette |
|Walks on thin ice |
|Prays a lot |
---------------------------\
\ _______________________________________________
\ |GRADUATE STUDENT |
\ |Runs into buildings |
|Recognizes locomotives two out of three times|
|Is not issued ammunition |
|Can stay afloat with a life jacket |
|Talks to walls |
-----------------------------------------------
____________________________________________________ /
|UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT | /
|Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings| /
|Says "Look at the choo-choo" | /
|Wets himself with a water pistol | /
|Plays in mud puddles | /
|Mumbles to himself | /
---------------------------------------------------- /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
_________________________________________________________
|DEPARTMENT SECRETARY |
|Lifts buildings and walks under them |
|Kicks locomotives off the tracks |
|Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them |
|Freezes water with a single glance |
|She is God. |
---------------------------------------------------------
####===================================================================####
News of the Weird
####===================================================================####
From: shark@CS.UCLA.EDU (Jeanne B. Schreiter)
Subject: bizarre things
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 11:46:10 PST
Here is a listing of totally whacked-out events that have occurred in the
past year across the country. There are some *very* weird people out there. So, here is some of them:
Los Angeles: A Beverly Hills thief went on a two-day robbery spree,
traveling from store to store by chaffered limousine. The driver of the
white stretch limo told police that his passenger had been acting
strangely, directing the car to fast-food outlets, a hobby store, a grocery
store and a coin store. Police found at least $26,000 in coins and
jewelry in the limo.
Tacoma, Wash. : The ex-husband of a new age "channeler" charged that his
former wife coerced him into accepting an inadequate divorce settlement by
threatening to cut off his access to the 35,000 year old Atlantis warrior
named "ramtha" for whom she claims to speak with.
Kansas City, Mo.: Police, where cattle rustling is still a hanging
offense, have been puzzling over a string of what appear to be drive-by cow
shootings. "It is really not that easy to investigate", said Clay County
Detective. "The remaining cows make poor witnesses."
Los Angeles: A judge ruled that a man could not will his frozen sperm to
his girlfriend.
Wellington, New Zealand: A man was charged with intentionally blowing up
three parakeets with firecrackers during a burglary.
Torrington, Conn.: Two men who were denied drinks at a tavern because
they missed last call returned a few minutes later and cut the bar in half
with chain saws.
Pittsburg, Calif.: A self-proclaimed witch has come out of the broom
closet, demanding that a school district ban the fairy tale "Hansel and
Gretel" because she says it encourages the killing of witches.
Tampa: A lawyer for a Florida man convicted of car theft demanded a
mistrial because a judge refused to allow a woman juror access to a tampon
during the panel's deliberations.
Sandusky, Ohio : A police officer has been charged with stealing at least
$300 in Girl Scout cookies he was supposed to distribute.
^---- I can see *me* doing that..I *love* thin mints girl scout cookies
Toledo : An 82 year old man strangled his wife because she wouldn't turn
down the volume on the tv set, then covered her with an afghan and went to
bed.
New Orleans: A woman shot and killed her teenage son over his refusal to
clean his room.
Milwaukee: A 300-pound woman fatally crushed her husband after sitting on
him during a family argument.
Doylestown, Pa.: A 25-year old man pleaded guilty to criminal homicide for
shooting a friend in the chest with an arrow after an argument over
Monopoly rules.
^---- give me a break!!!
Cincinnati: A surgeon's group was asked to investigate complaints that
the chief surgeon at a Shriner's hospital drew "happy faces" on patients'
sex organs during surgery.
####===================================================================####
Corpse Port
####===================================================================####
From: ERICKA@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Date: 8 Jan 93 11:57:03 EDT
Subject: Gruesome Facts
I have travelled through this very airport.
WORLD'S NO.1 AIRPORT-FOR CORPSES!
The city of Fort Lauderdale, FL., ships a staggering 4,000 dead bodies
out of its international airport every year. Airline experts say no other
airport anywhere in the world even comes close to having such a tremendous
traffic in corpses.
####===================================================================####
TRIVIA
####===================================================================####
From: ERICKA@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Date: 8 Jan 93 12:20:26 EDT
Subject: TRIVIA
*The average person moves his eyes 100,000 times in a day
*Men usually sleep 10 minutes longer per night than women
*Mark Antony made Cyprus, Syria, and other parts of the Middle East
gifts to his "saturday night thing", Cleopatra
*Elephants only acquire a taste for peanuts after being inundated by
then at zoos
*Seafood sellers say they sell more clams on the week just before a
full moon than at any other time
*Newlyweds being showered with rice after the ceremony is an ancient
Hindu custom (rice is a symbol of fertility in India)
*The acid in lemons will dissolve pearls
*Log cabins, the zipper, the monkey wrench, and car safety belts were
all invented in Sweden
*Most accidents occur in the month of July
*The first beer in a can was by Krueger of Newark, NJ, in 1935. An
original can of Krueger's would be worth up to $6000 today
*George Washington, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson were not only
America's first three presidents, they were also amongst the greatest
marble players of their day. Wonder if they played for "funsies" or for
"keepsies"?
*The first man to ever try to fly with a hang glider was an 11th
century English monk
*The word "candy" comes from a sweet reed called kand that was brought
home from India to Greece by Alexander the Great's troops about 340 B.C
####===================================================================####
Mass Mooning
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1993 18:55 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: A mass mooning? I *love* it!!! This would have happened yesterday -
hope it came off!
From: lance@hartmann.austin.ibm.com (Lance Hartmann)
Subject: KKK Mooning -- it's all the rage!
Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1993 19:09:38 GMT
Don't you wish you lived in Austin!?!? Check this out:
Snagged from the austin.general newsgroup:
John Kelso, "Bubba columnist" for the Austin paper reports
(American-Statesman, Saturday, 1/9/93):
When Ku Klux Klan members rally at the Capitol a week from today, they may
see something they will never forget - a mass mooning.
This mind-boggling and completely unusual proposition is the brainchild of
Austin musician Steve Fromholz. If you want to moon the Klan, just show up
and join in with Fromholz. You don't even need a ticket. No place but
Austin.
"I can see the bumper stickers now - I mooned the Klan, Austin '93," says
Fromholz, who to date has only a half dozen or so friends lined up for the
extravaganza. But he expects many volunteers will make plans to attend,
once the word gets out.
"I'm certain there are a lot of people in Austin who would leap at the
opportunity to moon the Klan," Fromholz says. "There are some in the
community who would worry about losing their place in the community, or
losing their job But there are some of us who don't have to worry about
that."
Fromholz likes this idea because he sees it as a peaceful way to show the
Klan that it isn't appreciated around these parts. It would be nice to
completely ignore the Klan, but you know that won't happen.
Sooooo, instead of getting all worked up and cussing and blowing your top,
drop your britches, pull them up, then walk off, Fromholz suggests.
"It's a way to say, `We don't need you, go someplace else to get mooned,'"
Fromholz said. "It's a very simple way of saying, 'I hold the Klan in
total disrespect.' Just moon them and walk away and go back to work. Just
laugh at them. Don't shout at them and shoot them the finger."
Fromholz is so serious about this that he called Travis County Sheriff
Terry Keel to ask if a group mooning is legal. Imagine calling the
Sheriff's office and asking that question. I'll be you would get
transferred a bunch, huh?
"I had a nice conversation with Steve about that," Keel said. He says a
group mooning is legal as long as the participants don't get too explicit,
you might say. He says the law regarding this activity does not address
"the subject of cheeks."
Keel also said that though he couldn't give the group mooning his
"official blessing or clearance," he thought it was a good concept. "Steve
has the right approach," he said. "People counterdemonstrate, which is the
wrong way to handle it."
Anyway, it must have been an interesting conversation.
"It's hilarious and he was all excited when he talked to me about it,"
Keel recalled. "What was the word he used? It was as if a vision came to
him."
"It came to me in a flash of light," said Fromholz, who even has his
outfit picked out for the affair - a pair of jeans over red long johns.
"You got to believe," he said. "It's like keeping Tinkerbell alive. But I
can picturalize it, and if I can picturalize it, it will usually happen."
So what should you do if you want to involve your civic group in this mass
mooning of the Klan? Simple come around and go for it. Junior Leaguers,
Lions, SOSers, developers - come one, come all. Fromholz sees this as a
community thing, although I think there are some of y'all who should stay
in the house. I won't name any names, though. I don't need the
aggravation.
OK. So I'll name one. Radio guy Bob Cole.
"It has great possibilities if the Optimises would come out, and the VFW
and the American Legion, and perhaps the Legislature," Fromholz said. "They
showed their (fannies) all t he way through this last session."
Fromholz advises anyone taking part to keep their distance from the Klan
members, though.
"Mooning a rally is a lot different than mooning a parade," he explained.
"The thing is you've got to be careful with a rally. They're not marching
by, so they might kick you in the moon, and they're notorious
moon-kickers."
No matter what you think about this, it sure is unique.
"I don't think anyone's ever mooned the Klan before, at least not en
masse," Fromholz said. "But it's an idea whose time has come. And I think
Martin Luther King would approve. This is nonviolent protest at its best."
Maybe so. But I wonder how they'll handle it on CNN?
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1993
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