765 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
765 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 46
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####========================================================####
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"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
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Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
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Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Hello and welcome to yet another issue of Purps. I know you're all pig
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biting mad for not getting an issue sooner. So in hopes of getting an
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issue out, I've tied myself to the old chair and won't untie myself until I
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get purps done or really need to go pee.
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Here at the Submarine Pens we've been upgrading technology, which usually
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is a comedy of errors. In our case, Purps46 which was more or less done, got
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eaten by a word processor. So I had to rebuilt it. Sad to say I'm not up to
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that Herculean task at the moment so I'm going to cheat and pull our some
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other stuff. This issue of Purps may be a bit short, but hopefully
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entertaining none the less.
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This has also shown me I need to spend an afternoon organizing how
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submissions for Purps are archived and sorted. Right now there are one of
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four or five places where submissions can go. All of these are a total
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mess. Imagine four large garbage dumpsters filled to the brim with
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submissions and other assorted electronic gagaws. Now take a big spoon and
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stir them up. Now wade through these and find submissions. Not a pleasant
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task aye?
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Well, rather than curse the readers of Purps and worshippers of OTIS with
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the Creiza-ish hell, I've devised an alternate way to create a Purps. It
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seems I had a few things lying around for the last purps of my own creation
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all of where were going into purps. Well, I decide why not rope all these
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together as an issue and have done. I need to feed the starving souls of
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OTIS after all.
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What this boils down to, for those of you watching pots, is that you may
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not see your submissions this issue. Well, keep your kilts on. Hopefully
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I'll have another issue out soon. (I always say this and it never happens,
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but this time it will. Honest.)
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I suppose you could call this an issue inspired by Humpy the Stumpy Bear
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and other Outside Forces.
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So without further ado let's cobble together what I've got and edit away.
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####===================================================================####
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QUESTIONS ANSWERED
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####===================================================================####
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[We got this list of questions so we decided to rely on Humpy the Stumpy
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Bear to help us answer them.]
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Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 12:33 HKT
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From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET
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Subject: FWD: FYI
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X-News: cphkvx.cphk.hk alt.personals.ads:512
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From: godschmf@ucbeh.san.uc.edu
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Subject:Can I Ask You a Question?
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Date: 5 Dec 92 16:26:36 EST
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Message-ID:<1992Dec5.162636.2228@ucbeh.san.uc.edu>
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Can I Ask You a Question?
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by mary
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>Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
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Carmen San Diego due to her popularity among children has become a
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franchised industry similar to Amway or Santa Claus. No one can answer this
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question correctly because so many of 'her' exist. Your neighbor may even
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have bought into this lucrative deal and may don the personal of Carmen at
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unexpected times.
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>Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
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Sesame Street exists in a similar fashion to Tanelorn or say the village in
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Brigadoon. It wobbles in and out of reality on its own time stream. How
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else could frogs talk and vampires exist for the sheer pleasure of counting?
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>Why can't people remember the way to Sesame Street from day to day?
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See above answer. Or perhaps they do not experience enough of the Carmen
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San Diego franchise to be able to tell directions correctly. Or perhaps
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these people live under high tension power lines. Lord knows what happens to
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a person's sense of direction when exposed to electromagnetic radiation of
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that nature.
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>Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
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This is a marketing gimmick. The stupider more gullible people of the world
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will spend the next 23 or so hours glued in front of the t.v. trying to
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figure this one out. Then suddenly it's the Today Show again and they relax
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and watch the show.
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>Who is "they" anyway?
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Those who figure out who "they" are usually disappear mysteriously at night
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after their neighbors see bright lights in the sky.
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>Why does ABC call their evening news "World News Tonight"?
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Because there is so much news happening in the world they have decided to
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just concentrate on the stuff that happens at night. Any daylight shots you
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see during the news are due to high intensity "sun gun" lights they are
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using. Some have also pointed out this could be a marketing ploy similar
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to the above Today Show scam.
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>Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected and
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>so therefore one is expecting the expected?
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Thinking along these lines can often lead to accidents.
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>How does one expect the unexpected?
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Send money to the IGHF they have a secret lesson on it. This is an ancient
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secret passed down from one church elder to another. Once there was a slip
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up. This resulted in the creation of the Gobi desert. Secrets like this
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can't simply be given out. They are dangerous.
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>Why doesn't anyone say "expect the expected" or "don't expect the
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>unexpected"?
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Because they are too busy expecting the unexpected.
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>Why do women wear a pair of panties and one bra?
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This tradition began at Elvis concerts. Documented evidence showed that
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woman would often wet their pants at the sight of his gyrating hips. In
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order to plan for this inevitable happening (refer to expect the
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unexpected) they began to use a pair of panties instead of just one panty.
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>Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
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On many planets putting one's pants on one leg at a time is a sign of
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weakness. Mankind must always be prepared to welcome diplomats from other
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planets. Please see previous Purps for information on the correct
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procedures for welcoming interplanetary guests. In some obscure South
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American tribes putting on pants one leg at a time is reserved only for
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days where there is a full moon.
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>Has it ever rained cats and dogs?
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Yes. This is in fact what killed Charles Fort though many sources will deny
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this. Also this helps explain why we have a constant problem with stray
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animals in our urban areas.
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>Why would anyone want to go around the world in just eighty days?
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Talk to your travel Agent about this. The cheapest fairs can be had this
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way.
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>Would you be Mr. Rogers' neighbor?
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Depends if you can deal with a man who wears sweaters and slip on sneakers
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all the time. A man who has an alternate universe called the "Land of Make
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Believe" between the walls of his dwelling. A man who knows every tradesman
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and blue collar worker in town. A man who'd make an ideal diplomat for our
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off planet visitors. Could you imagine Mr. Rogers even blinking an eye if
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an ion blaster toting alien knocked on his door, the leg of the milk man
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sticking out of his mouth?
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>Do you know the way to San Jose?
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Ask your local Carmen San Diego Franchise.
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> Where does weight go when you lose it?
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Scientists have discovered a way to collect this lost weight for their own
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secret purposes. They are using it to help build a planet for themselves.
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This planet would orbit exactly on the other side of the sun from us so we
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would never see it. You will note how scientists are always pushing this or
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that diet scheme. They need more weight. They realized that time is running
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out here with this earth because of the amount of pollutions here.
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>What is love?
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Soon Amway will be selling it in large gallon bottles.
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>If it's true that two wrongs don't make a right, do three lefts make a right?
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Depends on which universe you are in and how well you learned geometry in
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high school.
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>Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
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This is a military secret because the word bomb is involved. So far our
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lobbying of the government has not released the appropriate documents
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under the freedom of information act.
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>Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
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The banking system often wishes that ease and lease sound alike for
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marketing purposes. So far the federal reserve has managed to keep the
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words sounding different in order to put a damper on cash flowing around
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like water.
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>Does "Sixty Minutes" actually last sixty minutes?
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Actually it lasts 63 minutes but due to commercials it seems to last
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slightly less than 60 minutes.
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>How long is a short story?
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This depends on what sort of award you are going for and how much ink the
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publisher is willing to squander on your words.
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>Where is East Jesus?
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This is one of the secret code words for the scientists' planet they are
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building.
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>Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
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To keep from getting dizzy.
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>Who wrote the book of love?
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If you play the book of love song backwards, the answer becomes obvious.
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>Can George Bush read lips?
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Yes, but he has to squint a bit to do it.
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>Why do zebras have stripes?
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It helps them look thinner. Scientists use this to camouflage the fact
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that they fatten them up then cause them to lose weight for their East
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Jesus project.
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> Why does the phone ring as soon as you get in the shower?
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Your shower puts tiny droplets of water in the air which short out the bell
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mechanism in the phone. If you place your phone in an air tight plastic bag
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before taking a shower you should not be bothered by this problem.
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>Does a watched pot ever boil?
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Depends if you have water in it or not.
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>What is the function of an appendix?
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This organ originated in mankind during ancient Sumerian days to help human
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beings fill out income tax forms. Due to its small size it never proved to
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be very helpful.
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>Does Bill Clinton think Elvis is alive?
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Bill Clinton doesn't "think" Elvis is alive. He knows the King is alive.
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This is one of those things Presidents get told during the meeting
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when the former President hands over the atomic weapons' codes along with
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the keys to the oval office rest room. The rest room that contains a
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working replica of the space toilet used by Buzz Aldrin and his comrades on
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their first visit to the moon.
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>Does Bill Clinton think Jim Morrisson is alive?
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Why else does he play an instrument? He wants to be in the Lizard King's
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band.
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>Why do people cry when they're sad?
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It tends to get more sympathy than holding a sign.
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>What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
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To find out this and other Santa trade secrets why not join a Santa
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franchise.
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>How does Santa fit down a chimney?
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Refer to the "air lock escape" scene in "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
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for that answer.
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>Why aren't there many Hanukka specials on t.v.?
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It depends on what cable company you have. Call your today for the All OTIS
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channel.
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>If rainy days and Mondays get you down, what do you do on rainy Mondays?
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This is a good time to commune with higher beings to give you support. Give
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the OTIS hot line a call and they'll straighten you out. Or perhaps you
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could try one of the many rituals mentioned in previous issues of Purps.
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>Who cares how it plays in Peoria?
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Peoria contains many mystery spots. It's nice to know how your equipment
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will behave under interdimensional aberrations.
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>What are Neilsen families?
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One of the Lost Tribes of Israel who were severely persecuted throughout the
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ages by luddites for their technophilia.
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>Why am I asking all these things?
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The only way to find the secret to the universe is to ask.
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>Why did you read this?
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We are here to teach.
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>Am I really seeking answers?
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We always seek answers. Life is but a serious of tests and all you have is
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a broken number two pencil.
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>What do you think?
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Depends on the size of your donation to the IGHF.
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####===================================================================####
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THE STUMPY TABLES REVEALED
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####===================================================================####
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[As our views may recall, in last purps we published this message. In this
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issue we have the answers.]
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THE STUMPY TABLETS, part one
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(TABLETES STUMPITUS)
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as received and transcribed by the Reverend John
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> While vacationing in Independence, Missouri (said by the Mormons to be
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>the new Jerusalem, when Christ comes)
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No doubt this belief is due to the handful of Roman artifacts found on this
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site due to an ancient religious migration. Perhaps also due to forward
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seeing religious mystics who saw that real estate prices would be quite
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reasonable in that neck of the woods when the end comes near. Of course
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these same forward seeing mystics could have had their vision clouded by
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the Zachinthian D.O.R. beams. There is also the fact that the ley lines
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converge in that area. In ancient times the local Indian population braved
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the swampland that used to make up this area in order to worship certain
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gods and idols archaeologists of today have dared not to speculate about.
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>I was strolling through the woods minding my own business when I underwent a
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>most peculiar experience.
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One cannot go out searching for religious experiences. They just happen.
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People who go searching for that perfect religious experience end up having
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the Men in Black over for tea or end up on a one way trip to Nightmare
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Alley.
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> A small brown bear with a wooden stump in place of one leg waddled
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>into view, looking plucky and hopeful. I stopped in my tracks; she was
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>a thing of beauty, a joy forever. She nodded at a nearby tree, which
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>was partially rotted, and then wandered off into the forest.
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Humpy the Stumpy Bear, unlike many other divine and mystical beings has
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enough intelligence and wisdom to know that a bombastic appearance is not
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always necessary to make an impression. Other divine personages have not
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come to this realization and often appear in alarming forms and manners
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uttering booming incoherent gibberish. Of course this makes for a swell
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story but when it comes down to revealing the Solar Word it doesn't do a
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very good job.
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>My heart racing, I hurried over to the tree.
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Do you recall what kind of tree? This can be very important since the old
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Druidic alphabet is based on trees. [refer to _White Goddess_ by Graves]
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>Inside, I found a set of six golden tablets. These tablets were curiously
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>marked, and resembled nothing so much as cafeteria trays.
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Gold neither rusts nor tarnishes. It is immortal as is the Solar Word. Gold
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has been used throughout the ages to engrave important messages seeing as
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the owners of the golden plates tend to treat them with a bit more respect
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than one would treat say six paper plates.
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No doubt the were actually cafeteria trays. They were probably left over
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from the banquet of the gods. Humpy the Stumpy Bear is a very resource full
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being.
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>Sure enough, there were spaces for the entree, the side dish, dessert and some
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>bread. But in these spaces there was no food; no; lo; for within instead were
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>inscribed words of great learning. I at once set about to transcribe these
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>words. Many were difficult to comprehend, and thus the translation here is
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>incomplete and puzzling at best. It is my fervent hope that other scholars can
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>pick up where my humble faith has left off, and render these transcriptions in
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>their full meaning, for all to see. That said, what follows are my best guesses
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>at the contents of the Stumpy Tablets.
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No doubt much of the text is in a short-hand code. If one where to take
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magic marker in hand along with a cafeteria tray one would soon realize
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just how little space for revelation there is on those culinary apparatus.
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Those with the proper initiation, along with divine guidance may be able to
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decipher these texts. Luckily I have here a bit of both, including Humpy
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the Stumpy Bear Herself. Sad to say she was a bit surly today with the
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weather not being all that wonderful and grumbling about being returned
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home soon.
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>(1) For the kingdom is soupful, and all fall within the spoon.
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If one will recall their physics lessons, at one time it was taught that
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atoms and such formed a sort of soup. This soup is what the universe is
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made out of. All fall within the spoon means that the universe, or soup, can
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be manipulated with the spoon which is the divine power which comes in many
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forms. The Secret Rites of the Knights of Otis, the Solar Word, The powers
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of the Priestesses of the Banned Cybele, etc.
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Soup is also a nourishing food. Perhaps this admonishes us to seek
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nourishment from the universe with the help of divine powers. Through
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divine powers we can learn.
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Soup could also refer to the ether which connects everything in the
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universe. On Star Trek we see one use of the ether to transmit messages at
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greater than light speeds. Or to travel at warp speeds. What is the medium
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the transport functions in. The ether of course.
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Here with the first verse we are told that there is a universe and it
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encompasses all. With the spoon or divine power, we may have dominion over
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it much as man was given dominion over the earth in Genesis.
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>(2) Those and with more besides shall not plenty be right.
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Here we are told the universe is vast and there is plenty for all. Using
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the Divine power we can each have a veritable Niagara of knowledge come
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flooding into us. Because there is so much we should be willing to share
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with every enlightened being. This means not charging outrageous feeds for
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divine knowledge as some religious such as the pipes who smoke.
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>(3) Signs and thorns of symbol all incorrect.
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To worship the divine symbols is foolish, dangerous and not enough. They
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lead to the thorny path of destruction. Symbols themselves do not make a
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religious, nor do witty sayings. Slavish obedience to symbols is incorrect.
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One must know to look past these symbols. The symbols are just that and no
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more, as your name written on a slate is not you, but a reference or symbol
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of you.
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>(4) Profess label for both and repairs for neither.
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One cannot fence sit when it comes to religion or beliefs. One cannot
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professor to be one thing and not another. One cannot hold up the symbols
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of divine faith or power and then when quested not be able to go beyond
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these and answer the seekers of wisdom. This again is a warning. One must
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be knowledgable in the ways of divine power. One cannot simply profess a
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belief only to know not what they are talking about. When one professes a
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believe they may gain followers. If you cannot guide and conduct your
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followers according to your professed beliefs you are in deep do-do.
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Having the trappings and symbols of divine knowledge and power but not the
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teachings and wisdom can start one down a very slippery slope from where
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there is no escape.
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>(5) Plunge! Plunge! Plunge!
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Obviously this refers to the Toilet Mysteries. No doubt it admonishes us to
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drink deeply from these mysteries for divine guidance. They are the true
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path and will help us avoid the pitfalls mentioned above.
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>(6) Next week tune in turn off tupper wear.
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More revelations will follow. We are admonished to look for them. We are
|
|
also warned against the sin of tupper wear. Though it may look like a great
|
|
way to store food, it often absorbs unsightly food stains and odors which
|
|
will last a century.
|
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Week in this case may refer to any time period. For example, the world was
|
|
created in seven days. Well six really, with a day set aside for goofing
|
|
about and admiring work. Perhaps these are solar days which in some cases
|
|
may last 1000 years the time it takes a certain star in the heavens to
|
|
revolve once.
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>in peace and good tidings,
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>Rev
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>uc521832@mizzou1.missouri.edu
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####===================================================================####
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The Mass of the MOSTUS
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####===================================================================####
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|
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The OTISIAN, her/his breast bare[1], stands before an altar[1] on which are
|
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her/his OD[3], Toilet Plunger, Bowling Towel, and two Chocolate Ding Dongs.
|
|
In the Sign of the Blue Light she/he reaches West across the Altar, and
|
|
cries:
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|
|
Hail Otis, that goest in thy pram
|
|
Into the caverns of the Dark!
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|
She/He gives the Sign of Elbo, and takes the Plunger, and a Ding Dong, in
|
|
her/his hands:
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|
|
East of the Altar see me stand
|
|
With pomp and circumstance in my hand!
|
|
|
|
She/He strikes Plunger eleven times upon the Altar in the order
|
|
1800ASKBROW[4] and waves Ding Dong about in a most disconcerting manner:
|
|
|
|
I Plunge the Ding Dong: I read the OD;
|
|
I utter the mysterious Name.
|
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|
|
OTODOSTHEEMOSTUS
|
|
|
|
She/He strikes Plunger eleven times upon the Altar.
|
|
|
|
Now I begin to pray: Oh OTIS,
|
|
Holy Thy name and undefiled!
|
|
Thy reign is come; Thy Will is done.
|
|
Here is the Ding Dong; here is the Towel.
|
|
Bring me through midnight to the Projectors Light!
|
|
Save me from B. Otis and from Zakinthians!
|
|
That Thy one crown of all the Four
|
|
Even now and here be mine. AMEN.
|
|
|
|
She/He puts the first Ding Dong on the Bowling Towel.
|
|
|
|
I Plunge this savory cake, proclaim
|
|
These adorations of Thy name.
|
|
|
|
She/He makes them as in T.J.O.C., and strikes again Eleven times upon the
|
|
Altar. With the OD she/he then makes upon her/his breast the proper sign.
|
|
|
|
Behold this bleeding breast of mine
|
|
Gashed with the sacramental sign!
|
|
|
|
She/He puts the second Ding Dong to the wound [5]
|
|
|
|
I stanch the Blood; the Ding Dong soaks
|
|
Oh stop the blood before I croak!
|
|
|
|
She/He eats the second Cake.
|
|
|
|
This treat I eat. This Oath I swear
|
|
As I enflame myself with prayer:
|
|
'There is no max: there is minimum:
|
|
This is the Law: Send Us Money!'
|
|
|
|
She/He strikes Eleven times upon the Altar, and cries:
|
|
|
|
OTODOSTHEEMOSTUS
|
|
|
|
I entered in with woe; with mirth
|
|
I now go forth, and with thanksgiving,
|
|
To do my pleasure on the earth
|
|
Among the legions of the living.
|
|
|
|
She/He goeth forth.[6]
|
|
|
|
1. If this ceremony is to be performed in public or for exhibition purposes
|
|
the initiates allowed to wear any one of the many IGHF t-shirts. The
|
|
"Pagans!" one may be the most appropriate. If you need one of these ask
|
|
about the OTISIAN watches as well.
|
|
|
|
2. An altar cloth of any sort may be used. It should be picked for the
|
|
occasion. Bright colors in certain circumstances may be used to encourage
|
|
spectators.
|
|
|
|
3. OTISIAN Directory.
|
|
|
|
4. This is the pattern of knocks.
|
|
|
|
5. This may be a symbolic or a real wound, depending on the mood of the
|
|
initiate, the type of results wanted, and any spectators involved. For
|
|
those with stigmata, these can be used as a substitute for the wound.
|
|
|
|
6. For added dramatization take a page from Galliger and shower any
|
|
attending crowd with something.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
CONDOMS FOR ZLOTIES
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 21:02:25 -0500 (EST)
|
|
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
|
|
Subject: Re: Holy Zloty, Batman!
|
|
|
|
Hey, I'll send you some zloty forthwith. Or ask Doc Simpson. Doc Simpson,
|
|
incidentally, will repay in Zloty (scads of them) for condoms (sans n-9),
|
|
which are very hard to get over there.
|
|
|
|
EJ, Liza, Reid and I have already donated to the Society for the Prevention
|
|
of Shotgun Weddings Among My Closest Friends (Pope Jeff Stevens, founder.
|
|
est. 1992). You could help. In fact everyone on the Purps mailing list
|
|
could help. We'll collect them at 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209,
|
|
Cambridge, MA 02139-9183 and mail them in a great big box. Little notes to
|
|
Doc Simpson would also be appreciated.[scott@plearn.bitnet]
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
|
|
HAIL OTIS!
|
|
|
|
PJI
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
A DEEPLY RELIGOUS TALE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
((((((Chapter Eight ))))))
|
|
|
|
{As you may recall the divine messenger had gone off to take and bath,
|
|
leaving the Hell's Angels to make a crucial decision that could change
|
|
their lives forever. Just as soon as the messenger had left, a servant of
|
|
the Devil himself showed up and managed to con almost half the Hell's
|
|
Angels into signing away their souls before our hero managed to scare him
|
|
off.
|
|
|
|
We now join our story an hour or so after there's events.}
|
|
|
|
Fredric's back yard by now had more or less been totaled by the
|
|
peasants and their plow. The Angels sat quietly together staring off into
|
|
the sky, too stunned by the past events to do anything. Fredric sits quietly
|
|
next to Trixie quaking slightly, mulling over the threat the agent of Hell
|
|
had given him before disappearing with half the Angels. For the past half
|
|
hour Trixie had been trying to get the fat artist to explain to her exactly
|
|
what was going on.
|
|
|
|
"Fredric why did they pick you for this quest. It's all insane. Angels
|
|
don't go around like that anymore, only in the Bible." said Trixie trying
|
|
to understand.
|
|
|
|
The bender of wire sighed and tried to come up with a reasonable
|
|
explanation for all the weird events, "Well maybe the world has gotten so
|
|
bad that they had to resort to direct intervention again."
|
|
|
|
"Come on Mr. Wilberforce. I've already told you that we're just doing
|
|
this to make a swell story," said the messenger materializing out of thin
|
|
air. He looked about and saw the quiet Angels and became alarmed. "What
|
|
happened," he demanded, turning the volume up on his bull horn more for
|
|
added effect.
|
|
|
|
"This grease ball from Hell tried to steal our souls," answered one of
|
|
the Angels.
|
|
|
|
"Holy Good Night!" exclaimed the divine messenger. He stomped around
|
|
for 30 seconds muttering curses. "I'm afraid that might have happened.
|
|
Hell's been very pushy of late. Luckily I see Fredric some how managed to
|
|
dispose of the menace."
|
|
|
|
"Oh he was wonderful!" cried Trixie smiling and hugging Wilberforce
|
|
who turned red with embarrassment.
|
|
|
|
"Well Mr. Wilberforce looks like our panel of experts picked the right
|
|
guy after all. Looks like you are made out of sterner stuff than that putty
|
|
like complexion implies."
|
|
|
|
After getting a more or less coherent story of what had happened, the
|
|
divine messenger gathered everyone around and then asked, "All right, who
|
|
want's to find out what the goods are? Remember you have to go on this holy
|
|
quest if you really want to know."
|
|
|
|
Everyone raised his or her hand including Wilberforce. Everyone was
|
|
excited as young children on Christmas.
|
|
|
|
"Okay the gather around," advised the divine messenger. He then took a
|
|
step back and snapped his fingers. Suddenly folding chairs began to rain
|
|
from the sky digging up holes in the lawn and putting dents in
|
|
Wilberforce's Mercedes in the front drive. Everyone took cover from the
|
|
bombardment which lasted only a few moments. The messenger laughed in
|
|
merriment and snapped his fingers. Again this time various audio visual
|
|
equipment materialized itself.
|
|
|
|
"Make yourselves useful folks. Set up the chairs and let's get this
|
|
multimedia extravaganza under way," directed the man in white robes as he
|
|
strode over to a film projector and checked it's set up. After everyone had
|
|
recovered from astonishment for this amazing feat, they did what the man
|
|
with the bull horn said. Soon they had rows of chairs set up facing the
|
|
scream. People took seats and looked about wonderingly. The divine
|
|
messenger stepped up to a podium in front loaded with remote control and
|
|
after puffing on his pipe for a moment suddenly realized something. "Oh
|
|
dear! We can't show a movie in broad day light." The messenger looked
|
|
about, scratched his head and then after warning people to cover their ears
|
|
adjusted his bull horn to maximum volume. He then pointed it at the sky and
|
|
yelled, "Could you dim the light please."
|
|
|
|
As if by magic the sky suddenly went black and the stars appeared.
|
|
Scientists all over the country were baffled and would pull their hair out
|
|
for years after this event. The Chinese peasants became afraid and called
|
|
on their ancestors to protected. In other words this sky suddenly going
|
|
black had caused quite a big mess. Of course it's beyond the scope of this
|
|
meager tale to tell of all the trouble it caused. We'll leave it up to the
|
|
reader to imagine just how bad it really was.
|
|
|
|
The messenger flipped some switches and a film started up on the
|
|
screen. An Angel yelled for pop corn and it promptly began to rain the
|
|
stuff. "I hope you realize that even the Israelites didn't get this
|
|
treatment," pointed out the messenger as he refilled his pipe as the film
|
|
began.
|
|
|
|
The film turned out to be a short pink panther cartoon just to get the
|
|
crowd in the mood. Some else yelled for beer and the sky was suddenly
|
|
filled with raining beer bottles. The divine messenger realized that
|
|
someone could get a nasty bruise from a falling beer bottle quickly
|
|
conjured up umbrellas and cautions the Angels to be more careful about
|
|
their requests.
|
|
|
|
Finally the film started. Everyone went quiet except for the pipe
|
|
smoker man who whistled along with the opening music.
|
|
|
|
****************
|
|
|
|
An hour later the film was over and everyone got up and stretched.
|
|
Using the bull horn the messenger brought the sun back and once again chaos
|
|
rained. (Again we will leave it up to the reader to figure our all the
|
|
trouble it caused.)
|
|
|
|
After clearing his throat the messenger began to speak, "Well now you
|
|
know your quest. You have been given all the crucial information necessary.
|
|
Should you decided to accept this mission Mr. Phelps...." The messenger
|
|
broke up into fits of hysterical laughter and fell off his podium. Everyone
|
|
looked at each other eating fistfuls of pop corn and guzzling beer. No one
|
|
could quite grasp what there were after. They though it would be something
|
|
amazing like a piece of the true cross or the holy grail, but the Holy Pray
|
|
Beanie?
|
|
|
|
Of what divine importance could a silly hat with a propeller on top be
|
|
to anyone? Next to the Holy Prayer Beanie the Arc of the Covenant looked
|
|
like a pop gun.
|
|
|
|
Finally the messenger managed to get himself under control. "Well now
|
|
you know the story folks. I suggest you get a good nights sleep and set out
|
|
tomorrow. Remember you all asked for it and now you'll have to pay the
|
|
consequences. I admit it does sound a bit silly, but still it makes an
|
|
exciting tale. In our hands the beanie can become a powerful tool for good.
|
|
We need it back and each and everyone one of you are not responsible for
|
|
seeing that it is returned. Good night." with these words the messenger
|
|
disappeared, leaving everyone in a daze.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
--Subink 1993
|