1289 lines
53 KiB
Plaintext
1289 lines
53 KiB
Plaintext
***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 36
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####========================================================####
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Here's another issue for you. I'm quite pleased with this issue seeing as
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most of the material was cobbled together by our loyal readers. As a
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special treat, in this issue you get a long awaited installment from "The
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Messenger of the Gods." (which hopefully will encourage those other serial
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writers to submit more of their material.)
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How's that for a short intro?
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####===================================================================####
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Spode Strikes Again!
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Fri, 29 Nov 91 11:27:10 CST
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From: Rev <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
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Subject: stuff
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[...]
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Yesterday my housemate Jeff and I drove to St. Louis to spend thanksgiving
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with Jeff's girlfriend Prima and her family. Prima was in the hospital
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following gall bladder-removal surgery so we headed to the hospital first.
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Jeff knew the exit leading to the hospital was between two particular
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landmarks. We spent forty-five minutes driving back and forth between
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those two points, taking every exit and looking both ways before getting
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back on the highway to poke around more. This length is maybe 3 miles or so
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at the very most; we went up and down this five or six times in increasing
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frustration.
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There was a reason for our problem.
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One of the exits went to... get this... Spoede Road!
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The first time I saw it I cried out and said "It's Spode! We're screwed!"
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and explained to Jeff about Spode. Soon he agreed and we kept crying "No
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it's Spode!" every time we hit that exit. In fact, we got off there a
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couple times in case the hospital might be there. It wasn't of course, but
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Spoede Road was this little suburban residential area where the streets had
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names like Spoede Drive, Spoede Glen, etc. and it was very frightening.
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With the presence of Spo(e)de there it became frighteningly clear that we
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had no hope of finding the hospital. We headed to Prima's house and got
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directions. It turns out Jeff had the landmarks wrong and we had passed the
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hospital some ways before this.
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Of course.
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So there it is. My own encounter with the awful whimsy of Spode, made
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horrifically real to me as the boredom mounted and the frustration
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escalated over the course of those forty-five hellish minutes. I won't
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doubt in the validity of OTISianism after this, and I'll sure as hell do
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whatever I can to prevent Spode from looking on me with such disfavor ever
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again.
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Rev
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I figure I can be confused if you can be stupid. -- B. Ives
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####===================================================================####
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Valentines Day
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####===================================================================####
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Date: 2 Feb 92 18:59:00 EST
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From: "Wombat" <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
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Subject: speaking of cheerful stuff
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To: "hailotis" <hailotis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
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From: VAX001::HILLV "She'd sit in silence in her rented room/ dream of
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her childhood and invented truths." 2-FEB-1992 18:57:54.08
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To: HILLV
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CC:
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Subj: valentine's day
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A new holiday fast approaches, so stop with all of that stupid Christmas stuff.
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My sense of humor about reindeer is really running low. Anyway, this holiday.
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Which one," you may well ask. "There are so bloody many in the winter and we
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unfortunately don't get any of them off from school, work, etc. So what's the
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big idea about having them in the first place??"
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Here, the wombat pouts. Or at least, attempts to. To avoid a potentially dull
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mail message to Mal and/or dull issue of PURPS, you my imaginary other half of
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this conversation asks me to continue.
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No, I continue, not the first anniversary of the 1991 Papal
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Ball. No, not Jeremiah's ninteenth birthday (Congratulate him anyway--
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BUDZIK@vax001.kenyon.edu). Chad already bought a hat this decade, don't
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look for that to happen again any time soon either.
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No, this is the holiday everyone either wears red or black for. No, not
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Graduation. Yes, the day Hallmark and florists love almost as much as Mother's
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Day--St. Valentine's Day. Since several links to the OTISian network are
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single or involved with mates who are at this time busy with other things and
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forget details like dates even when not busy, this little ditty suggests what
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could happen if this silly holiday is not abolished or toned town or
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demarketized or SOMETHING.
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Sing a song of OTIS
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(Pockets full of lye)
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Chad is quite single
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So is Jeoffee I
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[pronounced "I" not "first"]
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When the day was over
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Stale chocolate beckoning
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Invoke special Papal Power--
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caloric missiles fling!
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RC was in the Chem Lab
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combining dilithium barometric juice with phenal acedomedrprin crystals,
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Spode was eating roses
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and smashing chocolate bunnies
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Mal was in a palm tree
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with a knotted hose
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["noose" didn't fit, sorry]
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Where St. James and Jen have gone
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no one really knows!
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Actually, perhaps wearing black on Mother's Day might not be a bad idea....
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Depending on how much you really hate your childhood and/or consumer culture.
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####===================================================================####
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In The Beginning
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 06:35:06 MST
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From: owhite@NMSU.Edu
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Subject: Purps 35. On time and everything!
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this is a script from the same ars nova show as the digital
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domain piece.....
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THE STAGE IS DARK, ADAM IS LYING ON THE FLOOR AND GOD WALKS IN AND
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TOUCHES ADAM. ADAM AWAKES, AND STANDS UP. GOD ADDRESSES ADAM.
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NARRATOR:In the beginning the world had just begun, and god, thinking
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that things were a bit too perfect decided to create a human. The scene
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opens as god is about to explain to Adam the rules of the house.
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GOD ENTERS.
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NARRATOR:This is god, any similarity to the actual character is purely
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coincidental.
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GOD WALKS OVER TO ADAM. ADAM IS LYING ON THE FLOOR.
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NARRATOR:This is Adam, for purposes of establishing funding from a
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national agency, Adam is wearing clothes.
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GOD WALKS OVER TO ADAM AND TOUCHES HIS NOSE. ADAM STANDS.
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GOD: Welcome to paradise. You can do anything you want except _one_
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_thing_. Do not eat from the tree of broccoli.
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ADAM: <confused> the tree of broccoli?
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GOD: Yeah, no broccoli. Nothing from the tree of broccoli, and take
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it easy on the tree of cabbage.
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ADAM: <densely> well okay.
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ADAM WALKS OFF AND ENCOUNTERS THE SNAKE.
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SNAKE: HEY! you're new here...so you met GOD yet?
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ADAM: Yeah, he told me not to eat from t the tree of broccoli.
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SNAKE: <scowls> great! broccoli tastes terrible.
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NARRATOR APPEARS.
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NARRATOR: Several years pass.
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GOD AND ADAM MEET.
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GOD: <hooks his thumbs under his armpits, looks pleased> So ADAM, have
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you eaten from the tree of broccoli?
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ADAM: No GOD, just like you said: no broccoli.
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GOD LOOKS A BIT LIKE: "hmmmmmm, this just isn't working..."
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GOD: Okay, okay. New rules: GOD PULLS APPLE OUT. This is an apple.
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Best work I've done...really...to give you an idea: you I made
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from clay in half an hour, the apple took me two years,
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quality time. Now this apple...GOD TAKES A BIG BITE...don't
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eat it....SMACKS LIPS...definitely do not eat this delicious
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apple.
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ADAM: Okay....WALKS OFF....BEGINS TO EXAMINE APPLE AND A PIECE OF
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BROCCOLI....
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SNAKE APPEARS. GOD IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE WATCHING
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SNAKE: <sly look> remember Adam, BROCCOLI tastes terrible.
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ADAM CONSIDERS HIS OPTIONS AND BITES THE APPLE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
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THE STAGE WE SEE GOD.
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GOD: <giddily> YEEEEEESS!!!!
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####===================================================================####
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Bad Jokes
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 09:03:49 MST
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From: owhite@NMSU.Edu
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Subject: some things about nature should remain a mystery.
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[stuff deleted]
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no you don't under stand....I tell bad jokes...
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well, here goes....I bet you could dress it up and it might be
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okay......I give you license to change the surrounding story how ever
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you please.
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While I was at UMass, the physics prof was explaining some basic
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stuff, and said: "and where is the center of mass?"
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I shouted: "springfield!!"
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funniest joke I have ever made.
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you get the idea....
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####===================================================================####
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The Wayward CBer
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1992 01:54 -0500
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From: ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU
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Subject: Laugh
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To: barker@ACC.FAU.EDU
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Hi mal, this is Matt (Armitage). I just got this letter that is being
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spread around the net and thought you might find a use for it.
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-----------------------Begin here-------------------------------------
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WAYWARD CBer....
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The following is an actual letter. The original was typewritten,
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and all spelling and grammar has been carefully left intact,
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including errors.
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To Mr. (name omitted)
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District Manager for Alabama
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Radio Shack
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3300 N. Pace Blvd
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Pensacola, FL. 32505
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Dear Sire,
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This letter is complain about the problems I have having with the
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ham radio model number 19-1101 I had got from your company Radio
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Shack. I had this shipped special to me from your store 1096
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Eastdale Mall Montgomery Alabama. I was got this because I think
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that i would get transmitt furthur that I did with the TRC 217 40
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channel walkie talkie.
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The problem that had first was when I was going to hook this radio
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HTX-1000 to the antenna the conektor on the radio was wrong it
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wouldn't attach to my cable. I was able to hook it finally by
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making a small change in in the connektor. As soon as I tried to
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use it there was no sound coming at all. This happened for two
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days and I never did get to talk to anybody the whole two days.
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That day the cable company came knocking my door and said there was
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something causing problems at my house and disconnekted my radio
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from the cable line. you knew when i brought the Radio that I was
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going to use that for my antenne. You didn't tell me not to why
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not?
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Next time I decided to put the HTX-1000 in my automobile I thought
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I would see how it worked their. I hooked it to my CB-antenna and
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at least I could hear people. But what happens now is no one wants
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to talk to me because they says you have to have a licencs to talk
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to them. Why? I don't have to have a licencs to talk on my CB.
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They'll talk to me there. Anyhow it don't matter much anymore
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because somebody done took the radio HTX-1000 from my automobile.
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What I would like for you Radio Shack to do is refund my money
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because I don't have the radio anymore and its not my fault i don't
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and I think you should give me back my money. Also the cable
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company here says that I hurt something in there line and want to
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be paid fix it. It will cost $27482.98 to fix the equipment they
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say was damaged because you didnt tell me not to hook it to the
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cable. Please remit to me the check for $27758.53 for damages
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due. To save this matter from going to court the check must be in
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my hand by June first or I will turn this over to my attorneys of
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law.
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Thank you
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name withheld
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--------------------------cut here-------------------------------
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Matt Greenwood
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Icmx500@indyvax.iupui.edu
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ICMX500@indycms.iupui.edu
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ICMX500@indyvax.bitnet
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------Wisdom is knowing that you know what you know, and knowing what you
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do not know.
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Emerson
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####===================================================================####
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Zen Jokes
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1992 08:30:51 EST
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From: Dan Lusthaus <haus%ux1.cso.uiuc.edu@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU>
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Subject: zen lightbulbs
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----------------------------Original message----------------------------
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The following seems to be making e-mail rounds, so I thought I'd share it
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with the group (I am NOT the author).
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Question: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
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1. At the lowest level of enlightenment: Two - one to change it and one
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not to change it.
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2. At the next level of enlightenment: Only one, since he both changes and
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does not change the light bulb.
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3. Highest level of enlightenment: None at all. The universe provides the
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lightbulb and does all the spinning. The Zen Buddhist just stays out of
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the way.
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sorry!
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####===================================================================####
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Another Installment of: Messenger of the Gods
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####===================================================================####
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[Yes, after a very long absence this amazing serial returns to Purps, no
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doubt due to the inspiration of certain parties. Special thanks goes to
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Lulu for the invention of V. and G. at the end of this episode. This
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essentially picks up where the last episode left off. Maybe this well
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encourage some of our newer members to get some of our old back issues.]
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"Took long enough. Now what? You folks hungry?" asked the second standing
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up and rummaging around in the pockets of his gory suit coat. The boat
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rocked madly and seemed on the verge of tipping over. Neither of the two in
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the boat seemed to be bothered by this.
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"Ahoy! Could you show us the way out of here," I asked taking the
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initiative. The Man in Black seemed too uncomfortable to speak.
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"Here have a Felt Brother's indestructible treat," said the second, tossing
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us this thing in a wrapper. The woman caught it and gasped in wonder at the
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packaging. She seemed mesmerized by it. I glanced at it for a moment and
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had to force my eyes away. I felt like I was being hypnotized. Perhaps
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these two weren't here to save us but to capture us.
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"Hey, well gosh, if it ain't the Man in Black," said the one with the
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helmet. "Thought you saucer types knew your way around there parts."
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The Man in Black cleared his throat but didn't say anything.
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"Vivisectionist got you tongue?" taunted the one who'd been rowing. He
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stepped out of the row boat and began to amble over. The surface he was
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walking on seemed to undulate like it was water.
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"You're never at a loss for words when you go scaring helpless earthlings
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are you? Give 'em one of your scare stories about Nightmare Alley or
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brainwashing caps," said the other. From somewhere he produced a small
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anchor which he tossed overboard. It sank into the tornado green fog,
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playing out bright green rope for possible fifty feet before it hit bottom.
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"We must go," said the Man in Black clearly very uncomfortable.
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"Wait," I said, "can't these two show us the way out."
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"It doesn't matter if they did. It might be better that we were lost here
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forever."
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"Nothing could be better than this," said the woman who said something
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under her breath in German that sounded like a curse.
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"Actually," said the one in the helmet, stepping out of the boat and
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walking over. He produced a can of silly string from one of the pockets of
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his toga, "We were sent here."
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"Yeah some bozo showed up while we were eating dinner at the Damned
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Duck--," began the one with the green streaked teeth who had been rowing.
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He stood in front of us and seemed to tower over us. There was just
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something wrong with him. His body was out of proportion. I could tell he
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wasn't human.
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"--Lame Duck," corrected the other.
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"Lame Squid," said the first.
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"--Lame Duck! Say it right. Those folks deserve some respect."
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"--Lame duck," said the one with the streaked teeth glared at the other
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from behind his multicolored sun glasses. "When suddenly this Spode
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character shows up at our table. The next thing we knew, while he was
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unscrewing the tops of the salt and pepper shakers, he told us he had a
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little job for us."
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"Naturally," continued the one in the helmet, "We told him where he could
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place that job."
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"That's when we found it he was a god," said the other.
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"And to make a long story short, we're here to rescue you instead of having
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to spend quite a long time in a very embarrassing situation."
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"Even though we really knew that we'd never actually spend time in that
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embarrassing situation. After all we have connections."
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"Yes connects."
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"Who are these two?" asked the women in the trench coat with growing alarm
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yanking on my sleeve.
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"Damned if I know," I said.
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Meanwhile, in some other dimension that contained a massive projection t.v.
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showing the events mentioned above:
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"Oh Spode, why must you do these things to me!" asked a very exasperated
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Otis from his Morris Chair. He was seated next to the smirking Spode.
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"Well I am the God/dess of Chaos," pointed out Spode, buffing his nails on
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the a lapel and changing gender back and forth a few times.
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"I know, but them of all people! Can't you see that those are the authors
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favorite characters and if he's not careful he'll switch plots on us and
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I'll never get my Valentine!"
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"Oh stop whimper. Be a big God."
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"Okay, but things had better change soon or else," pouted Otis.
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"So like want a ride?" asked the one in the helmet. He'd begun randomly
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emptying the silly string into the fog around him which seemed to support
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it. It hung there like cheap horror movie cob webs. He was making a very
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big mess.
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"Yes!" I said, my head spinning from dealing with these two along with a
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very quite and sullen Man in Black and a misguided pilot with a German
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accent.
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"Okay, well," began the helmeted one when there was a very loud electronic
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noise near by.
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"Oh damn!" yelled a familiar looking figure running by cradling an assault
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rifle.
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"Head for the hills," yelled a second rushing by. This one was dressed
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remarkably like a priest who'd punked out.
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|
|
"Gang way! The green dorks are loose!" yelled a huge man. One arm of his combat
|
|
jacket was ripped off. In one hand he held a pistol. In the other a huge
|
|
knife covered with gore.
|
|
|
|
They disappeared off into the fog rapidly.
|
|
|
|
The woman, I, and the Man in Black looked at each other. They'd been the
|
|
ones who'd been slaughtering the "green dorks" before. It looks as if the
|
|
tables had turned.
|
|
|
|
"Um. Get in the boat," said the helmeted one. His companion clambered in ahead
|
|
of us and picked up the oars. I was amazed how we could walk right up to
|
|
the boat and once we were in, it rocked like it was on an ocean. As
|
|
soon as we were aboard, the one with the green streaked teeth began rowing
|
|
with astonishing speed and strength. The boat seemed to zip along. Behind us
|
|
we could see grey alien heads advancing on us. They looked very
|
|
angry. Many toted boxy weapons which they began to make
|
|
adjustments on and aim in our direction.
|
|
|
|
The boat gave a lurch. I thought we'd been hit by something.
|
|
|
|
"Ohhellnowlookwhatouswutthingmattressheadclutchbutthasdone!" yelled the
|
|
helmeted on. He stood up suddenly rocking the boat badly. His helmet with
|
|
the bobbing globes fell off into the fog and disappeared. He pointed at the
|
|
green rope that served as an anchor cable. It was drawn taunt keeping the
|
|
boat from any further progress.
|
|
|
|
"Do something!" wailed the woman. The greys seemed to grasp what was going
|
|
on. About fifty grabbed the green rope and began to reel us in like a hooked
|
|
fish. The our rower snarled and the boat surged forward again as he
|
|
applied even more strength. Then, one of the oars snapped. Bits of it tumbled
|
|
off into the fog.
|
|
|
|
"Oops," said the rower standing up and tossing the other oar over the side.
|
|
He began to fiddled with his massive motor cycle boots. They clicked and
|
|
beeped. Little lights on them glowed.
|
|
|
|
"Look. Hold on. We'll just cut the line," said the other. From under his toga
|
|
he produced of long barreled, vicious looking ray gun. Carefully, he aimed at
|
|
the rope where it touched the gunwale. He pulled the trigger. Several feet
|
|
of rope disappeared. So did most of the gunwale underneath the rope. The
|
|
boat began to fill with green fog and sink.
|
|
|
|
The greys seeing this, charged forward.
|
|
|
|
"Idiots," muttered the man with the ray gun. He sighted down the barrel and
|
|
squeezed the trigger again. A whole column of greys evaporated as if a
|
|
tunnel had suddenly been driven through them. Still they swarmed forward
|
|
like hungry ants. The man fired again. More greys disappeared and still
|
|
others came to take their place.
|
|
|
|
"Abandon ship," said the former rower leaping daintily over the side an onto
|
|
the fog which seemed to be once again a solid surface. The rest of us
|
|
followed with less dignity except the man with the gun who continued to
|
|
fire at the greys mowing them down like wheat. No matter how many he
|
|
evaporated twice as many would take their place. By the time he was waist
|
|
deep in the fog, he realized he was sinking and some how half clambered out
|
|
of the fog and the boat.
|
|
|
|
"This is embarrassing," he muttered fiddling with his ray gun.
|
|
|
|
"Look, let's just run okay," suggested his companion. Suiting action to
|
|
words he began pelting off into the fog. I looked at the Man in Black and
|
|
then raced after the guy. The Man in Black
|
|
and the woman followed.
|
|
|
|
The other stood there firing and fiddling with is ray gun. "I'm sure if I
|
|
get the right setting I'll have this all licked," he muttered under his
|
|
breath.
|
|
|
|
The fog grew thicker as we ran. Soon we couldn't see anything, but we
|
|
continued. Behind us we could hear the greys swarming and now the
|
|
occasionally noise of their weird boxy weapons going off. I doubted the man
|
|
would survive.
|
|
|
|
"In here!" yelled the guy I was following. He suddenly stopped and gave me
|
|
a push. I went tumbling through the fog rolling over and over until
|
|
suddenly I was rolling on a wood floor. My two companions came tumbling
|
|
after me. The Man in Black looking very alarmed at having his dignity
|
|
upset by the tumble.
|
|
|
|
I looked up and saw a sign. "Possum Hole Mystery Spot," it said.
|
|
|
|
"Don't move. I'll be back in a bit. If you do, I'll rip your faces off!"
|
|
order the man with the green streaked teeth, his head suddenly poking out
|
|
of thin air. "I need to go grab Halrod. Hang on."
|
|
|
|
His head disappeared. We heard him running off his pounding boots fading.
|
|
The three of us stood up and dusted ourselves off.
|
|
|
|
"Howdy," said an old woman suddenly appearing through a rickety door way.
|
|
She was hastily wiping her hands on an apron. "I expect yer here to see the
|
|
mystery spot."
|
|
|
|
"You do not see us," began the Man in Black in a very menacing tone.
|
|
|
|
"Oh yeah we are," I said stepping in front of him and elbowing him in the
|
|
ribs.
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile in the other dimension:
|
|
|
|
"Now see here Spode, I'm the head god! This is my story. You've got to
|
|
really do something about these plot complications!" said a very angry
|
|
Otis wagging a divine finger as storm clouds and lightning bolts formed
|
|
around his head.
|
|
|
|
Spode cringed and looked up from the comic book he was glancing through.
|
|
"But it's appearing in the magazine named after me," he pointed out.
|
|
|
|
"Well everyone knows it's the mast head of the OTISian religion!"
|
|
|
|
"Well it's named after me, so keep your shirt on. Give it a bit."
|
|
|
|
"Hey he's kinda perdy," said a small demented looking young woman with buck
|
|
teeth and fish eyes peering out from behind her mother. The young woman
|
|
clutched to her chest a sheet of bubbled packing material with half the
|
|
bubbles popped.
|
|
|
|
"Hush now Gasoline. Go back to popping you bubblies,"
|
|
said the her mother, the old woman, making shooing
|
|
gestures with her hands.
|
|
|
|
"Aw gee maw! You promised," said another young fish eyed girl with buck
|
|
teeth sticking her head out from behind her sister. She too clutched some
|
|
packing material to her chest. It seemed like they'd been popping it when
|
|
we'd popped in out of the twilight dimension.
|
|
|
|
"Hey me too! I could use me a woman! I'm old enough! Shucks if they get
|
|
married I get married too!" said a young burly man, also with fish eyes and
|
|
bucked teeth who stuck his head out from behind the second sister.
|
|
|
|
The woman who had originally greeted us turned and began to yell at her very
|
|
inbred looking children. From the conversation I gathered their names were
|
|
Gasoline, Vasoline and Festus Jr.
|
|
|
|
As they continued to argue, out of thin air dropped one of the two from the
|
|
rowboat. It was the one with the toga who'd lost his helmet. He stood
|
|
up looking very angry and seeing us said, "Excuse me a moment. We're trying
|
|
to teach those little puddybutts a lesson." Before we could say anything he
|
|
stepped back into nothingness as he pulled a peculiar looking grenade from
|
|
his pocket. From the direction of where he disappeared came a muffled
|
|
explosions and an extraordinarily amount of strange language I took to be
|
|
cursing. The mother and her kids were so involved in their argument, they
|
|
hadn't noticed his appearance. Now instead of yelling at each other they
|
|
seemed to be whispering
|
|
in a most conspiratorial way.
|
|
|
|
There was another muffled explosion and suddenly a black eight ball like
|
|
object rolled out of thin air. It was an alien eye. It hit the floor with a
|
|
loud pop bursting like a light bulb. Hastily I and the Man in Black
|
|
stepped over to stand on the broken eye hoping others would not see what
|
|
had just happened. I don't think she would have taken to kindly to knowing
|
|
that their mystery spot was actually real.
|
|
|
|
"What the heck was that?" asked the mother again wiping her hands on her
|
|
apron. Turning to her children: "Now you children go play like maw told
|
|
ya." She gave them a big wink. Something was definitely afoot.
|
|
|
|
"Is it my imagination or are they plotting something," ask the woman. She
|
|
came over to stand next to use, her booted feet crunching on the remains of
|
|
the grey's eyeball.
|
|
|
|
"Perhaps we should step back into the zone," suggested the Man in Black.
|
|
Then shook his head as another muffled explosion seemed to come from thin
|
|
air.
|
|
|
|
"Oh nothing," I said to the woman. I could tell she wasn't believing me.
|
|
|
|
"Lan sakes I hear a lot of thunder," said added going over to a window and
|
|
looking up into the clear blue sky.
|
|
|
|
"Maybe we're in for a spot of rain," I observed helpfully. The woman in the
|
|
trench coat poked me in the ribs with annoyance.
|
|
|
|
"So you want a tour?" asked the old woman. A look of cunning was in her
|
|
eyes. I looked at my companions.
|
|
|
|
"I don't want my face ripped off. Let's stay here," hissed the woman in the
|
|
trench coat.
|
|
|
|
"You mind if we just look around ourselves a little while? We've never seen
|
|
a rustic house like this before," I asked.
|
|
|
|
"Sure nuff. I'll just be over in the kitchen if you needs me now. Don't run
|
|
off, hear, without saying good bye." With that, the old woman departed giving us
|
|
another cunning look.
|
|
|
|
"I hope they get back soon," said the woman with the trench coat. She
|
|
shuffled her feet crunching more glass like alien eye.
|
|
|
|
"They may not," observed the Man in Black, meaning all the explosions and
|
|
noise that keep coming out of thin air.
|
|
|
|
"Well we could just walk off. We could hitch a ride back to where the
|
|
Submarine is," I suggested, feeling the letter vibrated slightly in my
|
|
pocket. We seemed to be wasting an awful lot of time gallivanting around the
|
|
dimensions. I had a valentine to deliver to Otis.
|
|
|
|
"You you could just step in and take the Valentine now," observed Spode
|
|
from behind his comic.
|
|
|
|
"No that would never do," said Otis, who wrung her hands. It was very
|
|
tempting to him. "This is supposed to teach some sort of lesson like
|
|
"Pilgrim's Progress". We'll just have to see this out."
|
|
|
|
The Man in Black gave a sort of cough I took for a laugh. "Have you ever
|
|
considered that this may not really be earth, but a parallel world?"
|
|
|
|
"Oops. No," I said.
|
|
|
|
"Parallel World!" wailed the woman. "First I'm piloting this flying saucer.
|
|
Then suddenly in there's this fog bank. Then you two show up and seem to be
|
|
walking on air and kill those bozo's I'm chauffeuring. Then, those two in the
|
|
boat show up and now this. I very confused."
|
|
|
|
"Good job Spode," muttered Otis grudgingly from his Morris Chair. Spode
|
|
smiled in triumph, his eyes twinkling.
|
|
|
|
"I'm sort of confused myself," I said. We both looked at the Man in Black
|
|
for an explanation.
|
|
|
|
"I cannot tell you the answer. Your ears are not ready to hear it," he
|
|
intoned stiffly.
|
|
|
|
"He doesn't know either," I said out the corner of my mouth to the woman.
|
|
|
|
"Hey handsome," said Gasoline rushing into the room. She was done up in her
|
|
Sunday best gingham dress with new ribbons in her wheat color hair. Her
|
|
pony tails looked like two whisk brooms hanging off the sides of her head.
|
|
She grabbed my arm and leaned against me.
|
|
|
|
Vasoline tried the same trick on the Man in Black. He shrugged her off and
|
|
raised his hand. I could tell he was going to kill her.
|
|
|
|
"Hold it right there fella," said a voice from the window as a double
|
|
barreled shot gun poked through. The Man in Black froze. Vasoline wrapped
|
|
her arms around him happily.
|
|
|
|
Festus Jr. barged in followed by his mother and a number of men. He
|
|
grabbed the woman in the trench coat who kicked him in the shins hard. He
|
|
slugged her. She went down and he dragged her back up to her feet.
|
|
|
|
"Here now," said his mother. "That's you wife there. Hit her somewhere
|
|
where it won't show."
|
|
|
|
The rest of the men who entered the room held squirrel rifles or doubled
|
|
barreled shot guns. Strangely enough they all had fish eyes and buck teeth.
|
|
One even had a roll of bubble packing stuck in the pocket of his bibb
|
|
overalls. Among them was a priest. He was taller than the others and wore
|
|
an old stove people hat. He probably was the local undertaker as well.
|
|
|
|
"Now you folks behave yourself. We're fixing to marry the lot of you!"
|
|
warned the mother pointed a twisted finger at us. She'd dressed up herself
|
|
in an old ratty dress that looks like birds had been sleeping in it.
|
|
|
|
The woman in the trench coat started to struggle again. Festus Jr. slugged
|
|
her again. Gasoline gave me a slobbering kiss on the neck. Drool ran down
|
|
my collar. I shuddered, but I didn't dare move. There were too many shot
|
|
guns pointed at me. In fact, if they opened fire on us, they'd have probably
|
|
ended up wounding some of their own number. They didn't seem too bright.
|
|
|
|
"I cannot marry," intoned the Man in Black. His normally pale skin was even
|
|
paler.
|
|
|
|
"Oh he's so cute," babbled Vasoline who imitated her sister and gave the
|
|
Man in Black a slobbering kiss on his label. Drool glinted and left a slimy
|
|
trail, dripping to the floor.
|
|
|
|
I felt like throwing up. This was probably worse than if we'd ended up in
|
|
Nightmare Alley. We could only hope the two in the rowboat would get back
|
|
to us fast. I doubted it. The explosions were continuing.
|
|
|
|
Without much further ado, they lined the three of us up with our mates.
|
|
Another man helped hold the woman in the trench coat up. She was near
|
|
unconsciousness with the blows she's received. Festus Jr. Beamed
|
|
proudly. Gasoline and Vasoline gave me and the Man in Black another horrible
|
|
kiss. The preacher in the stove pipe hat stepped forward, cleared his
|
|
throat, and began his little spiel. We appeared to be doomed.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
A Visit to the Doctor
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Subject: A Visit to the Doctor[.el]
|
|
Date: Fri, 07 Feb 92 22:35:18 -0500
|
|
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
|
|
|
|
I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
|
|
you are finished talking, type RET twice.
|
|
|
|
I can't hear properly.
|
|
|
|
Why do you say you cannot hear properly?
|
|
|
|
Because I cannot hear in my right ear.
|
|
|
|
Is it because you cannot hear in your right ear that you came to me?
|
|
|
|
Yes, it is.
|
|
|
|
Earlier you said you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
Yes, I did.
|
|
|
|
Maybe your plans have something to do with this.
|
|
|
|
No, I don't believe so.
|
|
|
|
Is it because of your life that you say you do not believe so?
|
|
|
|
No, it is not.
|
|
|
|
You mentioned that you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
Yes, I did.
|
|
|
|
Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going
|
|
through all this?
|
|
|
|
No, I don't believe so.
|
|
|
|
What makes you believe you do not believe so?
|
|
|
|
I's just what I believe.
|
|
|
|
Are you sure that you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
Yes, quite sure.
|
|
|
|
How do you reconcile problems at school?
|
|
|
|
I don't, luckily for me, I no longer attend school.
|
|
|
|
Tell me about your school.
|
|
|
|
Sorry, I can't. As I said, I don't attend school.
|
|
|
|
Does it bother you that your grades could improve?
|
|
|
|
Please re-read my previous statements, Doctor.
|
|
|
|
Is it because of any hobbies you have that you say re read your
|
|
previous statements doctor?
|
|
|
|
No, I don't think so. Is English your native language, Doctor?
|
|
|
|
Earlier you said you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
Yes, I believe I did. What are you going to do about it?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps this has something to do with your sex life?
|
|
|
|
No. Very doubtful.
|
|
|
|
Do you really think very doubtful?
|
|
|
|
No, I think you're a pretty poor listener.
|
|
|
|
You mentioned that you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
Yes. So we're back to that again.
|
|
|
|
Can you elaborate on that?
|
|
|
|
Sure. No sound is audible in my right ear.
|
|
|
|
Possibly hangups you have are related to this.
|
|
|
|
No. I think it's a medical problem.
|
|
|
|
Is it because of your inhibitions that you say you think it's a
|
|
medical problem?
|
|
|
|
What inhibitions? Where are you getting this from, Doctor?
|
|
|
|
What makes you think you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
No sound comes in. Okay?
|
|
|
|
I would appreciate it if you would continue.
|
|
|
|
Really, Doctor, I'm not at all sure this is worthwhile.
|
|
|
|
Is it because of some problems in your childhood that you are going
|
|
through all this?
|
|
|
|
No. I already told you I believe it's a medical problem.
|
|
|
|
Why do you say that?
|
|
|
|
Because it's a physical manifestation of a blockage of my eustachian tube.
|
|
|
|
Are you annoyed that it's a physical manifestation of a blockage of
|
|
your eustachian tube?
|
|
|
|
Of course I am. I can't hear!
|
|
|
|
Earlier you said you cannot hear in your right ear?
|
|
|
|
*sigh* Yes, Doctor.
|
|
|
|
How do you reconcile some problems at home?
|
|
|
|
No, Doctor. I think you need to do some tests, and prescribe some medication.
|
|
|
|
What makes you believe I might want to do this test?
|
|
|
|
Well, frankly, Doctor, I don't really care if you do any tests or not.
|
|
I'm going to complain about you to my insurance company, and possibly
|
|
to the Board of Medical Quality Assurance.
|
|
|
|
I don't understand.
|
|
|
|
Well, when they rip up your license, toss you in a cell, and throw
|
|
away the key, maybe you'll understand then.
|
|
|
|
What happened when they rip up my license toss me in a cell and throw
|
|
away the key maybe I shall understand then?
|
|
|
|
Good bye, Doctor.
|
|
|
|
You mentioned that it's a physical manifestation of a blockage of your
|
|
eustachian tube?
|
|
|
|
*walks out door*
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Sam Hill Cabal, DS tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu
|
|
"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be donatin' the
|
|
proceeds to the Cath'lic Church, or the Mormons or somethin'. One cult's the
|
|
same as another." -- Lula Pace Ripley, in "Consuelo's Kiss".
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
News of the Weird
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Yet another person jumps aboard the NOTW wagon.]
|
|
Date: Sun, 9 Feb 1992 19:10 -0500
|
|
From: ICMX500@INDYVAX.IUPUI.EDU
|
|
Subject: Re: Skiny Puppy Sample List
|
|
|
|
|
|
I came across these strange news reports, all un-attributed. I compiled
|
|
them, cleaned them up, and sending them to you. I sense some definite
|
|
Otisian influence in these reports.
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Charles Lucas, 41, was sentenced to eight months
|
|
in jail last year in Princenton Ill., for hurling several beehives
|
|
through the window of Neuf's tavern in Setonville. A Beekeeper had to
|
|
be found to chase down the bees.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*********************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Track superintendent in Wales, Wis., said
|
|
that a high school teacher last year used a track starting pistol to
|
|
get the attention of her class when it became rowdy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
***********************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gene and Joyce White were convicted of a
|
|
misdemeanor in MArch in Muskogee, Okla., for keeping their young grandson
|
|
confined to a dirt floored pen in their yard, adjacent to a pen that
|
|
contained 60 dogs. They said they did it to keep him out of traffic.
|
|
Authorities found that the boy drooled, panted and barked, just like the
|
|
dogs, but a baby sitter said he probably learned that behavior from
|
|
watching too much TV.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wealthy Brazilians, exasperated at the
|
|
phenomenal increase in crime by the growing poverty sector, have taken
|
|
to keeping lions to guard their homes. In one San Paulo condominium
|
|
development, after a lion almost ATE a burglar alive in April, crime
|
|
dropped from 15 incidents a month to none.
|
|
|
|
**************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
For 732 criminal counts of driving his VW Beetle
|
|
across neighbors' yards in Torrence, Calif., Jonathan Shane
|
|
Allabaugh,21, was ordered by Municipal Judge Benjamin Aranda to leave
|
|
town. If he ever returned, Aranda said he would put him in jail for "up
|
|
to" 275 years.
|
|
|
|
**************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
Boynton Beach, Fla. police charged Mary Greico,
|
|
48, and her daughter with the murder of Mary's husband,Joe,52, because
|
|
he was "miserable" and wanted to watch TV all of the time. Mary said
|
|
they tried to kill Joe several times via poison and contemplated a car
|
|
explosion as well. They tried several time in the last month to shoot him
|
|
while he lay snoring in front of the TV, but chickened out,
|
|
until the night of Aug, 9th. Said Mary :" He was a miserable bastard,
|
|
but he had his good points too." Mary reported the shooting as a
|
|
suicide, but police were suspicious because suicidal people don't
|
|
take naps before trying to kill themselves.
|
|
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
KENNETH Dean Johnson, the first person to
|
|
have his car seized under a 1990 Portland Ore. drunk-driving
|
|
ordinance, was stopped again in February and lost another car. At the
|
|
second stop, he voluntarily produced a vial of white powder, telling
|
|
police it was heroin, which he was using in an attempt to kick his
|
|
11-year old drunk-driving problem.
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
BIRMINGHAM Ala. police responding in April to
|
|
a woman's plea to save her estranged boyfriend, who was threatening suicide
|
|
in her apartment, broke in and shot and killed the man ( when he failed to
|
|
drop his suicide pistol).
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
BRUCE Fitgerald was appointed Harbormaster
|
|
of Springfield, Mass., in February. Because of the changes in the flow
|
|
of the Connecticut River, Springfield no longer has a harbor and is
|
|
down to a single dock.
|
|
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
IN October, the Pittsfield, Mass., School
|
|
Committee adopted a plan to allow 11th and 12th graders to get credit for
|
|
mandatory physical education classes merely by reading materials on
|
|
exercise concepts.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*************************************
|
|
|
|
A 40 year old woman's suicide attempts
|
|
failed in Pineville,La., in August. She first tried a drug
|
|
overdose, but wound up only groggy enough to misfire her pistol in
|
|
several attempts to shoot herself.
|
|
|
|
|
|
**************************************
|
|
|
|
FEDERAL Agents arrested Gary and David Gross of
|
|
Alpharetta, Ga., in April for attempting to counterfeit $4.5 million
|
|
with a printing job described by agents as "poor", done on an offset
|
|
press. The agents were tipped off by a store owner, who said the two had
|
|
bought the linen paper used in currency and then asked the owner if he
|
|
had any GREEN ink that "matched the ink on a one dollar bill."
|
|
|
|
|
|
**************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
PARENTS of three 12 and 13 year-olds
|
|
filed a lawsuit in Lafayette, La., in March, charging seventh-grade
|
|
science teacher Bernadette Rubin with causing the kids "Loss of
|
|
enjoyment of life" by teaching sex education in class.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*************************************
|
|
|
|
UTAH prison inmate Robert LeRoy Ele, serving
|
|
10 to 15 years for sexual abuse of a child, filed a $6 million lawsuit
|
|
against Ed McMahon and Publishers Clearinghouse in February for
|
|
their failure to send him sweepstakes entry blanks. A
|
|
Publishers Clearinghouse lawyer said it was the prisons fault for not
|
|
permitting bulk mail to be delivered to inmates.
|
|
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
DANIEL Johnson, serving a life sentence in
|
|
Texas' Huntsville prison for a 1977 rape, filed a $50,000 lawsuit
|
|
against the prison in August to force officials to curb excessive noise
|
|
from late-night TV in prison lounges. Johnson claimed "deprivations of needed rest and sleep, nervous tension, severe anxiety,
|
|
feelings of depression, dejection, fatigue, emotional pain and
|
|
torment, and headaches.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
IN July a New York appeals court upheld
|
|
Celestino Lucas' 1983 trial court verdict against the New York Transit
|
|
Authority. Lucas had leaped onto the subway tracks and lay
|
|
spread-eagled across them briefly but then tried to get up as a train
|
|
entered the station. He sued the Transit Authority because the
|
|
engineer was not able to stop the train in time, resulting in
|
|
Lucas' loosing both legs below the knee. Under the trial court's
|
|
formula, Lucas would win $600,000.
|
|
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
THE Idaho Supreme Court ruled against Thomas
|
|
Sweltzer in August in his lawsuit for wrongful discharge from work.
|
|
He had claimed he was unfairly fired from his job as a gravedigger in a
|
|
small town because he had become depressed at the growing number
|
|
of his friends that he had to bury.
|
|
|
|
|
|
*************************************
|
|
|
|
THE Assistant district Attorney general in
|
|
Nashville, Floyd Price, summed the case in August against Barbara
|
|
Trapp, convicted of the murder of her newborn son:" You can't just go
|
|
around throwing babies down trash shutes, putting them in garbage
|
|
cans, and flushing them down commodes. That is not appropriate
|
|
behavior in this society."
|
|
|
|
|
|
************************************
|
|
|
|
|
|
HONOLULU Mayor Frank Fasi, in a July letter
|
|
replying to a Philadelphia police officer who had complained of seeing
|
|
drunks, drugs and prostitutes on his recent vacation in Honolulu: "You
|
|
are entitled to your opinion, but as far as I am concerned, you can
|
|
go to Hell! Take your complaints, and shove them up your big fat
|
|
nose."
|
|
|
|
|
|
**************************************
|
|
|
|
BOBBY Pringle, in his "last words" before
|
|
sentencing by a Prince George's County,MD, judge in July (having been
|
|
convicted of killing his disabled mother by stabbing her more than 70
|
|
times), said whatever sentence he got wouldn't matter to him "because
|
|
I lost my mother."
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-==-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
|
|
Hail Otis!
|
|
|
|
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
|
|
! !
|
|
! ICMX500@indyvax.iupui.edu *Wisdom is knowing that you know what !
|
|
! ICMX500@indycms.iupui.edu what you know, and knowing what you !
|
|
! do not know. !
|
|
! Matthew Greenwood !
|
|
! 1102 N. Lynhurst Dr. Voice: (317)248-2018 !
|
|
! Speedway, IN 46224 FAX: (317)243-9600 !
|
|
! USA *R.W.Emerson !
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
The Accident
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[Rumor has it Otis may have been in one of the cars.]
|
|
Date: 10 Feb 92 10:11:00 EST
|
|
From: "Wombat" <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
From: VAX001::WINS%"vhill@math08.gatech.edu" 10-FEB-1992 09:10:43.22
|
|
[headers deleted]
|
|
|
|
This is CLASSIC:
|
|
|
|
Just as the Choir was beginning warm-up at 8:30 for the first service (it
|
|
will be 8:15 when you're here!), one of the other tenors came in and said,
|
|
"Cheryl's been in an accident just up the street. She looks fine, because
|
|
she's standing beside the car, but the car is pretty badly banged up."
|
|
There seemed to be nothing that any of us could do, so we went ahead with
|
|
the rehearsal and started the service. Just after the processional hymn,
|
|
Cheryl slipped in the side door and into the stalls. It occurred to me
|
|
that this was rather quick to take care of police reports, towing, and
|
|
getting down the street to All Saints, but at least Cheryl didn't look too
|
|
upset.
|
|
|
|
After the service the story came out. Cheryl's car was not involved -- she
|
|
managed to swerve in time to avoid being hit, but she was a witness. The
|
|
car that was hit was occupied by an older couple on their way to First
|
|
Baptist -- neither of them injured. But what plowed into them was a big,
|
|
long white limousine (of the sort that people hire for weddings and proms)
|
|
-- it was currently operating as a rolling prostitution service, and it was
|
|
IN OPERATION at the time of the accident!
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Quote
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: 10 Feb 92 11:10:00 EST
|
|
From: "Wombat" <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: quote
|
|
|
|
"Most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself.
|
|
There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily
|
|
screw them up yourself for far less money."
|
|
-Dave Barry
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
911
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Subject: I _love_ this joke!
|
|
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 92 02:20:49 -0500
|
|
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
|
|
>From: michaelc@oz.plymouth.edu (Mike Clark)
|
|
Subject: SCRIPT I (fwd)
|
|
Keywords: chuckle
|
|
|
|
>From ginger::ginger::mrgate::"a1::michaelc" Thu Dec 26 17:10:48 1991
|
|
|
|
>From: NAME: Michael J. Clark
|
|
FUNC: Security
|
|
TEL: (603)535-2330 <MICHAELC AT A1 AT GINGER>
|
|
To: michaelc@oz@mrgate
|
|
Author: Michael J. Clark
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
AUTOMATION IN THE 20th CENTURY
|
|
|
|
By Michael J. Clark
|
|
|
|
The setting is a typical bedroom, a woman is in the bed asleep,
|
|
next to her bed is a night stand with an alarm clock and a
|
|
telephone. Suddenly the woman awakens to the sound of a strange
|
|
noise in the house, she looks around, starts to panic and then
|
|
picks up her phone to call the police.
|
|
|
|
Woman: (Startled and panicked, talking out loud to herself in a
|
|
low tone) "I-I-I-I've got to call the police, there's someone
|
|
here, oh God I know there is, let's see...what's the number,
|
|
(she nervously punches the numbers into the phone.)
|
|
|
|
After a few rings the phone is answered, there is a delay, then
|
|
we hear: "Welcome to our emergency phone mate 911, the automated
|
|
emergency answering system, the latest in emergency response
|
|
technology! If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please
|
|
enter a 1 at the tone, enter now"......(the woman looks both
|
|
shocked and puzzled as she nervously punches in a "1") "Thank
|
|
you, our emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you are
|
|
calling from a touch tone phone......To serve you better your
|
|
police and emergency services have set up this system to route
|
|
your call to the appropriate emergency service personnel......If
|
|
you are in need of police assistance enter a 5, if you require
|
|
information in Spanish, enter 7, in Chinese enter 4, in Greek
|
|
enter 9, in French enter 6 or Italian enter an 8, if you wish
|
|
fire or medical service enter a 3 and the corresponding
|
|
numerical code for the language in which you will be speaking or
|
|
in need of translation......to repeat the previous information
|
|
please enter 0.......Enter your code now please"......(the
|
|
woman, who has now gone from fear and panic to being irritated
|
|
and confused enters a 5 and waits.....) "Emergency phone mate
|
|
911 recognizes that you have requested police assistance in
|
|
English....In order to better serve you, please enter the
|
|
appropriate number at the tone....a 1 if your call is not an
|
|
emergency, a 2 if you need information, a 3 if you are
|
|
returning a call from a police official, a 4 if you are
|
|
inquiring about a parking ticket, or a 5 if this is an
|
|
emergency, enter your code now"........(she shakes her head and
|
|
rolls her eyes and enters a 5 quite forcefully) "Emergency phone
|
|
mate 911 recognizes that you have a police emergency, please
|
|
enter a 1 if it is a life threatening emergency, a 2 if it is a
|
|
non life threatening emergency, a 3 if there are weapons
|
|
involved, a 4 if there are multiple perpetrators, a 5 if the
|
|
perpetrators are non English speaking and will require a Miranda
|
|
warning in any other language....Please be sure to enter the
|
|
appropriate language code if you enter a 5....if the police
|
|
emergency is a non life threatening rape or physical assault
|
|
please enter a 7.......
|
|
|
|
(the woman now has lost her temper, she punches in a 2 saying
|
|
out loud "How the hell do I know if it's life threatening or not
|
|
you imbecile!) "Emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you
|
|
have a police emergency that is non life threatening, emergency
|
|
phone mate will now direct your call to the appropriate
|
|
department for response.....please hold while your call is
|
|
transferred.....(we hear ringing......, the phone is answered)
|
|
"Dunkin Donuts, may I help you?" ........
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
-- Subink 1992
|