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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 29
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####========================================================####
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"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
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Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Welcome yet again to another issue of Purps. This will probably be the
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issue without much of an intro since I can't remember if anything needs to
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be said.
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Well one thing needs to be taken care off. Honorable mention needs to go to
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Victoria Hill for various shadowy and secret reasons.
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This issue consists of the typical Otis stuff so I'll let it speak for
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itself this time.
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Hmm I'd like to welcome all the new subscribers, or resubscribers we seem
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to have picked up since Purps last came out. Purps seems to be growing and
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expanding in great leaps and bounds.
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Oh one editorial note. One of our subscribers reported their lame brain
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mailer has problems with the '=' separator lines so those have been
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doctored in a why which hopefully will no longer cause problems.
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For those of you who don't have back issues of Purps, they are available
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either by sending a request to HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu or ftpable from
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Quartz.rutgers.edu in \pub\purps. These are .Z compressed so you'll need an
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uncompressor.
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As usual Purps needs plenty more submissions. Glancing through the past few
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issues we seem to be getting small again.
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Also a special thanks should go out to all our regular contributors.
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Without them there would be no purpose. Otis is as I write this showering
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them with untold blessings. You too could be showed with untold blessings
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if you contributed to Purps.
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Please Note: Any untitled blurbs and what not are taken from the Archives
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of Dr. Simpson.
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Anyways, on with the show.
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####===================================================================####
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Scrense yourself! The power to become GENKI is in your own mind!
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####===================================================================####
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Spode's Wild World
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Sun, 8 Sep 1991 10:29 HKT
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From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
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Subject: He's back!
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"A Kitchener, Ontario, radio station, sponsoring a 'What
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Would You Do for $10,000?' contest last fall, permitted
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such stunts as eating a dung-covered apple and
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regurgitating spaghetti and going snorkeling in a tub
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of worms, but rejected the idea of a woman who wanted to
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hand out bumper stickers while nude on a downtown street
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corner. Said a station spokesman, 'We didn't want to
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be associated with that.' "
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Funny Times
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August 1991
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 21 Aug 1991 14:29:39 PDT
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From: Grant Hogarth <adobe!frame.com!cgh@UUNET.UU.NET>
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Subject: HUMOUR?: How to stay stressed
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FYI....
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----- Begin Included Message -----
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Put out by DeAnza college (here in Silly-con Valley):
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How To Stay Stressed
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---------------
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Although the De Anza Health Office has long been an advocate of stress
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management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of
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students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to
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the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following
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provides you with a few reasons why.
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STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
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working very hard and, therefore,
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is probably doing something very
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crucial.
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IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
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DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. can't be expected to form emotional
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attachments to anyone. And let's
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face it, you're not much fun to be
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around anyway.
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IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
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given any more work. This gets you
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off the hook for all the mundane
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chores; let someone else take care
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of them.
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IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
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thrill, and you can give yourself a
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"hit" anytime you choose. But be
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careful, you might get addicted to
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your own adrenaline.
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IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being "successful" when by
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simply staying stressed you can
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avoid all of that? Stress can keep
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your performance level low enough
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that success won't ever be a threat.
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STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of "Just do
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AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say!" is generally permissi-
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ble under crisis conditions. If
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you maintain a permanently stressed
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crisis atmosphere, you can justify
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an authoritarian style all the time.
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Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble
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if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
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NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
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could be spent worrying.
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EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
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cleanse your system, a balanced
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diet isn't likely to.
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GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
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pounds over your recommended
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weight.
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TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
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nicotine, sugar, and cola will
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continue to do the job just fine.
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AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
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that meditation, yoga, deep
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breathing, and/or mental imaging
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help to reduce stress. The
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Protestant work ethic is good for
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everyone, Protestant or not.
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GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
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SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
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concern yourself with friendships
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only if you have time, and you
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never have time. If a few people
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persist in trying to be your
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friend, avoid them.
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PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
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of your work, family, dog, house,
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or car is mounting a personal
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attack. Don't take time to
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listen, be offended, then return
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the attack!
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THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
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matter, and it shouldn't be
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treated as one.
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|
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MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
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you want it done right, do it
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yourself!
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|
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BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
|
|
and be sure to take work home
|
|
evenings and weekends. Keep
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|
reminding yourself that vacations
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are for sissies.
|
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DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
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day than you can possibly get done
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|
and then worry about it all
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whenever you get a chance.
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PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
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|
second always produces a marvelous
|
|
amount of stress.
|
|
|
|
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T Worry about the stock market,
|
|
CONTROL. earthquakes, the approaching Ice
|
|
Age, you know, all the big issues.
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BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT ...and either beat yourself up, or
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SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS... feel guilty, depressed, discour-
|
|
aged, and/or inadequate when you
|
|
don't meet them.
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----- End Included Message -----
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####===================================================================####
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This week all good Otisians will worship PORNOGRAPHY. However, in order to
|
|
keep our government funding we will illustrate this issue with bunny
|
|
rabbits instead. Please imagine that the bunny rabbits are pornography.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
More from the Wild World of Spode
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
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Date: Sun, 8 Sep 1991 10:49 HKT
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From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
Subject: Get those recipe files out!
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 7 September 1991
|
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|
|
"With the right cooking method, it will be a welcome
|
|
new dish on the family table."
|
|
-Yangcheng Daily newspaper report on cockroach cuisine
|
|
which includes fried cockroach, cockroach-studded
|
|
pancakes, and cockroach porridge.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
World's Worst Tourists
|
|
####===================================================================####
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|
Date: Thu, 19 Sep 91 20:12:51 MDT
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From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
|
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Subject: [muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au: The World's Worst Tourists]
|
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|
|
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
|
|
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
|
|
Subject: The World's Worst Tourists
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|
Date: 16 Sep 91 16:44:37 GMT
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|
Reply-To: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
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Hi there
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|
Being a reasonably seasoned traveller, I suppose I have collected a fair
|
|
few "Ugly Tourist" stories...
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I will give a summary first, and then give details, category by category,
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|
and conclude with some general comments on how to avoid being an ugly
|
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tourist.
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DISCLAIMER: If anyone is purile or pea-brained enough out there to believe
|
|
that I hold grudges against people merely because of race or nationality,
|
|
go stuff yourself.
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|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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U G L Y T O U R I S T S - S U M M A R Y
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE BEST TOURISTS:
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------------------
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1) Backpackers/cyclists
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2) Young North Americans
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3) New Zealanders
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4) small groups of females
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5) People with not enough money
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|
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|
THE WORST TOURISTS:
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-------------------
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1) Elderly American couples
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|
2) People on "Tuesday = Belgium" type tours.
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3) The Japanese
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4) Groups of males in their 20s
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5) Sporting teams
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|
6) Australians
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|
7) The French
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|
8) People with too much money
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|
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|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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U G L Y T O U R I S T S - D E T A I L S
|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
ELDERLY AMERICAN COUPLES
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------------------------
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|
I was in a restaurant in Buenos Aires, and at the table next to me were
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this couple from the US. When their steaks arrived, they weren't happy
|
|
with them, so they sent them back. Returned 10 minutes later, they still
|
|
weren't good enough, so they sent them back to the kitchen with the message
|
|
"We get them how we want them back home". Another 15 minutes passed, and
|
|
the steaks were returned. Guess what? Not good enough! This went on for
|
|
quite a while; all the time the couple were grouching about the service and
|
|
the way that "it's so much better back home".... nearly felt like telling
|
|
them to go home and let everyone else enjoy the different lifestyle. (My
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|
steak was perfect! And thick, too: at least 1.5 inches for $US6.00)
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|
|
On Christmas Day 1989, I was taking the train ride up to see the statue of
|
|
Christ the Redeemer (Corcovado) in Rio. The doors on the train were left
|
|
open during this trip because it was so hot. The American couple in front
|
|
of me were discussing who they would sue if they fell out the door. (Little
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did they know that there is no possibility of litigation in Brazilian law!)
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In Japan I went on a day tour or Kyoto, and invariably the Americans would
|
|
take the window seats on the bus, even to the extent of couples separating
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so that they could have a window seat each.
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|
In China I went to a banquet with some other tourists. When the dishes
|
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were placed on the table, this (American) couple would grab them, spoon
|
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what they wanted onto their plates, and then not offer the plates to anyone
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else.
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When I was travelling from Santiago, Chile, to Easter Island, there was
|
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this couple who were obviously travelling First Class: they stood apart
|
|
from the rest of us, refused to allow their luggage to be weighed, and when
|
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the boarding announcement was made, they walked straight past the line that
|
|
we peasants made and pushed their way onto the plane.
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|
|
|
I will never forget the time I visited the Schloss Neuschwanstein in (West)
|
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Germany... (the most famous castle in Europe: you would know it if you saw
|
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it). It is quite a walk up to the castle, and there is the option of
|
|
taking a ride (for $US7/person) in a horse-drawn cart. All and only the
|
|
Americans there took the ride, but the horse was so slow that they ended up
|
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being the last ones up there. When you are inside the castle, they ask you
|
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not to take videos/photos, etc for two reasons:
|
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a) flashes destroy the artwork
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b) a great deal of the restoration and upkeep of the
|
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castle is paid for by people buying photos.
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So guess what happens when the tour guide leaves the room? Out come the
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video cameras and the flashes...
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I wanted to take a photo of the waterfall outside this castle, so I lined
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up this shot, only to have it spoilt by the American who leant in front of
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me. I have a beautiful photo of the lapel of his trenchcoat.
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PEOPLE ON "TUESDAY = BELGIUM" TYPE TOURS
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----------------------------------------
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Invariably, these types can be seen stumbling weary-eyed from buses at the
|
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major tourist traps. I remember one such group who stumbled off the bus
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and walked straight into the bar of the nearest 5 star hotel... when there
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was a beautiful cafe just across the street which would have charged them
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half as much for the same meal.
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|
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THE JAPANESE
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------------
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|
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You probably know the stereotypical Japanese tourist: a big grin, a big
|
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wallet, and a big camera. Believe me, they have earnt the stereotype. I
|
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was in Rotorua (New Zealand), where I was watching a Maori ceremony. Midway
|
|
through it, several drunk Japanese men decided that they would join in.
|
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They tried to get up on stage with the dancers. Some succeeded, but were
|
|
promptly removed. Later in the performance was a part that involved
|
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twirling white pompoms, and to heighten the effect, ultra-violet light was
|
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used. Alas, the stage was floodlit by the flashes of all those cameras.
|
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When the show was finally over, the Japanese men tried to throw money on
|
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the stage.
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Another thing which I don't understand about the Japanese and their
|
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cameras: they insist on using flashes when it is dark; even when what they
|
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are photographing is hundreds of feet away. Anyone who knows the inverse
|
|
square law knows that even the brightest flash is useless after about 25
|
|
feet.
|
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|
|
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GROUPS OF MALES IN THEIR 20S
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----------------------------
|
|
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Loud, aggressive, insensitive. I think we can all imagine.
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|
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SPORTING TEAMS
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--------------
|
|
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Much the same as the previous group, except that they all insist on
|
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constantly wearing their team tracksuits.
|
|
|
|
|
|
AUSTRALIANS
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-----------
|
|
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Many Australian tourists have to be the center of attention. Being so
|
|
isolated, Aussies have no idea how to interact with people of other
|
|
nations, and consequently expect to be the center of attention. Tend to be
|
|
extremely nationalistic, waving and distributing koalas and kangaroos to
|
|
the locals.
|
|
|
|
I saw one group of Australians give a kangaroo to a family in Peru, who
|
|
thought it was a rat.
|
|
|
|
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THE FRENCH
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----------
|
|
|
|
Fiercely patriotic. Often will make no attempt to learn the local customs
|
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or language, insisting that things be done their way.
|
|
|
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I was in Italy, on a crowded train. A lady came into the carriage, and
|
|
asked me to lift her bag up onto the rack. I did this, but when I turned
|
|
around to sit back down, she had planted herself in my seat, shut the blind
|
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(beautiful view of the Mediterranean), and was pretending to be asleep.
|
|
|
|
|
|
PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH MONEY
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--------------------------
|
|
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A rare species; usually found in either the Hilton or the Sheraton.
|
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|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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U G L Y T O U R I S T S - C O M M E N T S
|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Why go abroad if you want things to be the same as they are at home? It's
|
|
no good to go to a foreign land and expect everything to run as you
|
|
expected it too: talk to anyone coming home after a trip abroad and you
|
|
will find the things they enjoyed most were the unexpected things.
|
|
|
|
Your trip will go much better if you imagine yourself a guest in the
|
|
country: don't complain, don't joke about the local
|
|
customs/currency/climate/language.
|
|
|
|
Don't be a tourist. Try to blend in as much as possible. Eat where the
|
|
locals eat. Avoid places that advertise "American Express" or "English
|
|
Spoken Here". I spent a wonderful night in Venice in a small restaurant
|
|
with the locals, none of who spoke English. I don't speak Italian.
|
|
|
|
I've eaten McDonald's in fifteen different countries, and guess what? The
|
|
only difference is the price.
|
|
|
|
Suggested reading: "Europe Through The Back Door", I forget the author.
|
|
Books such as "Europe on $40 a day" are getting too popular: places are
|
|
starting to advertise the fact that they get mentioned in these books.
|
|
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You will find that if you follow these guidelines, you WILL enjoy your trip
|
|
more, and the locals will enjoy having you more. Take a look at yourself
|
|
the next time you go abroad, and decide if you would like someone like you
|
|
visiting YOUR home town.
|
|
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Happy travelling,
|
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|
|
Murray
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+^o^+^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-+-o-+
|
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| | Murray Chapman muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au | |
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| o | | o |
|
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| | University of Queensland "I'd rather have a bottle in front | |
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| o | St Lucia, Queenland of me than a frontal lobotomy" | o |
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| | AUSTRALIA - Murray Chapman | |
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| o | | o |
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+^-^+^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-------------+---+
|
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\__ | o |
|
|
Hate that! -----> +^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
"Good evening. Now I'm no mathematician, but I'd like to talk about just a
|
|
couple of numbers that have really been bothering me lately..."
|
|
|
|
--- Laurie Anderson
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
A SOG Speaks Part II
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Sat, 14 Sep 91 15:11:31 CDT
|
|
From: Stewy <UC541831@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: The Second Parter
|
|
|
|
Here we go, Mal, the second part of my story. I needed to catch up to what
|
|
the rev is writing, so I had to do this in two parts and send them both
|
|
now. You probably need lots of stuff anyway, huh? I got one other thing
|
|
I'll try and type up before the evening is over....STEWY
|
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|
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Dreams and Vacations
|
|
by Stewy
|
|
|
|
|
|
An odd-shaped image floated by that, at the first and second glance, was
|
|
hard to distinguish between a yellow and purple hippopotamus with green
|
|
freckles or a mini submarine with disco lights and Commodore Presley
|
|
gyrating on top of the hatch door singing 'Jailhouse Rock'. Behind him
|
|
there was a funny-looking guy with long hair wearing combat boots and
|
|
standing in a military, saluting-like stance as a group of giggling women
|
|
sat behind him drinking beer. It lingered there, this image, for several
|
|
minutes before disappearing, leaving an outline against the ocean backdrop
|
|
somewhere near Florida.
|
|
|
|
She saw Shark next, dressed in an outfit that didn't quite go with her
|
|
personality and her new-born son, Fairbourne, who could do nothing but make
|
|
'meeping' sounds. Shark was standing next to a rather large looking shuttle
|
|
of some sort or another and suits were running about like crazy, shouting
|
|
obscenities wherever was necessary and in some cases, where ever foul
|
|
language was not called for. Subtle images of Rev sitting in a limousine
|
|
came to her, but vanished into blackness, almost as if her dream were being
|
|
censored by the evil Optima Plan. Abstract illusions kept appearing
|
|
throughout Stewy's dreams but it was nothing out of the ordinary for a SOG.
|
|
|
|
A cold breeze brushed through her apartment, waking her from what was
|
|
probably a three-day sleep. She felt a magnetic attraction pulling her
|
|
somewhere, but she wasn't quite sure and didn't really care at the moment.
|
|
She stared at the picture of Elvis hanging above her television set and he
|
|
eyes were growing heavy once more. Her mind was drifting. "Oh-tisss,
|
|
Oh-tisss," a soft, radio-like voice was telling her. Stewy smiled as she
|
|
began to fall back asleep.
|
|
|
|
"BOO! BOO! BOO! SCARY BOO!" the Rev thought to himself as he sat in
|
|
the black limousine staring at his CHUCKS and fondling the green
|
|
trinket he wore around his neck.
|
|
|
|
Stewy jumped from her chair, fear spilling into her mind as her body shook
|
|
frantically. "DAMN YOU REV, Damn you. What the hell was that for? and hey,
|
|
wait one second here, what ARE you doing in a limo?"
|
|
|
|
"Now Stew, what're you gonna do, spend the rest of your life sleeping. Did
|
|
I not tell you it was time to lie low? Have you checked your mailbox yet? I
|
|
sense something there for you."
|
|
|
|
"Nope, just got up, thanks to you. PINHEAD! I'll check in a minute, what
|
|
are you doing in that limo?" Stew asked, rubbing her eyes while trying to
|
|
find a cigarette.
|
|
|
|
"That's not important right now. Go check your mailbox and you'll know what
|
|
to do next." The vision of Rev faded as if he had hung up the SOG
|
|
Connection. Stew showered, found her coolest pair of day-glo CHUCKS, one
|
|
pink and one green and looked a little bit like Punky Brewster. She started
|
|
packing, the Temporary Global Amnesia settling into her mind. She forgot to
|
|
check her mailbox and continued to pack her bags until the magnetic force
|
|
pulled her downstairs to the mailbox where a small black envelope was lying
|
|
there with a familiar sign for the return address.
|
|
|
|
"Holy freakin' buckets. It's from Converse, they wrote ME!" She almost
|
|
ripped the envelope apart, but calmed herself so as to not ruin this
|
|
precious little envelope.
|
|
|
|
"A ticket to DisneyWorld, a check for $1,000 and a $250 gift certificate at
|
|
the Florida Converse Store...hmmm, that's odd, but HOLY BUCKETS, NO WAY!."
|
|
|
|
She ran to her apartment, packed everything she could, but all 13 pairs of
|
|
CHUCKS wouldn't fit into the bag. "Aw, hell, I'll just get some more when I
|
|
go to the Converse Store." She smiled.
|
|
|
|
There was a knock at the door. Not expecting anyone to come over at that
|
|
point, she creeped up to the peephole and glanced through the fish-eye
|
|
glass to see a small man dressed in green ducking beneath the peephole. She
|
|
grabbed her suitcase, opened the window and jumped outside.
|
|
|
|
The parking spot next to her car was always empty. No one ever parked in it
|
|
and no one ever would. They couldn't. There was a mystic force field
|
|
surrounding it. Stewy walked right through it, moved her hands about a bit
|
|
and little noises of opening and closing doors were heard. She stepped up,
|
|
as if getting into something and soon, her image was gone, inside the
|
|
invisible plane of SOG Super Airlines. There was a slight noise and she
|
|
pressed several buttons in the cockpit and the sleek plane was now ready to
|
|
go. The forcefield went down and the plane began to rise into the air.
|
|
|
|
"Whuhoooo, I'm off to Florida and the land of CHUCKS and Disney. What a
|
|
vacation!"
|
|
|
|
The plane was gently gliding on the air waves, high above the Earth and she
|
|
flicked a few more switches. She was flying past a 747, doing spins and
|
|
flips in the SOG plane when she flew right in front of the nose of the 747.
|
|
|
|
"Uh...did you see that?" The co-pilot asked the pilot.
|
|
|
|
"See what?"
|
|
|
|
"That blue star that just flew by the window with some picture of some
|
|
weird looking dude in the middle of it?"
|
|
|
|
"Hey, I didn't see anything and you didn't see anything. Got that?"
|
|
|
|
Stewy was laughing in the plane, flying along towards the ocean. In her
|
|
hand she held a postcard Mal had sent to her so that she and the Rev could
|
|
see his snappy pad along a private beach. She dropped the plane a few
|
|
thousand feet so that she was no more than one hundred feet from the ocean.
|
|
The plane was gliding along, back and forth as Stewy searched for Mal's
|
|
place. She saw it in the distance and veered toward it until a shiny object
|
|
blinded her for a second. She glanced out the window of the SOG plane to
|
|
see a speeding boat bobbing up and down and Mal was steering as Commander
|
|
Presley was gyrating on the top of the boat singing 'Jailhouse Rock.'
|
|
|
|
"Hey Stewy, it's me, Humpy. We're a little busy right now, but I can see
|
|
you up there. We'll be back on shore in about half an hour, ok?"
|
|
|
|
"Sure, not a problem. I'll just cruise over to DisneyWorld and check some
|
|
things out before I come back." The Divine Child moved around in Mal's
|
|
shirt pocket hoping to get his attention. Mal pulled her out and set her by
|
|
the wheel.
|
|
|
|
"What is it Humpy the Stumpy Bear?" Mal asked.
|
|
|
|
"It's Stewy, she's here. She's flying about in her invisible SOG plane. We
|
|
gotta be on shore in half an hour to meet her."
|
|
|
|
"Hmm, well, okay." Mal veered the cigarette boat towards shore, grabbing a
|
|
beer from on of the girls in the back of the boat.
|
|
|
|
Stewy was flying over DisneyWorld, scoping things out. She could see a
|
|
bunch of suits running about and other odd figures corrupting the minds of
|
|
young children. She could see the space shuttle miles away and decided to
|
|
go check things out to kill some time. Below her, she saw hundreds of
|
|
people scurrying around, but one figure stood out as the scent of lemon
|
|
floated through the air. She could see Shark and Fairbourne dodging the
|
|
suits and doing weird things with their hands. Stewy tried to land the
|
|
plane to go see if it was Shark, but somehow her plane had been picked up
|
|
on radar.
|
|
|
|
In the secret tunnels below the Shuttle, higher-up figures were on the red
|
|
phone to Washington telling of odd things showing up on radar. Red lights
|
|
were flashing all around the room as Stealth Bombers were being launched
|
|
into the air.
|
|
|
|
Somewhere in Washington, the Pope and Dr. Simpson sat about Dr. Simpson's
|
|
apartment with several computers flashing strange lights as both of them
|
|
sat frantically typing away and a computer was generating voice patterns
|
|
for people in the White House. Calls were being switched, people were
|
|
getting frantic and screaming, but the Pope and Dr. Simpson sat calmly,
|
|
huge grins forming on their faces as they typed away.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Here, for want of a demonstratable disorder, we are all too likely to
|
|
fall into the temptation of positing transcendental indigestion, upset
|
|
stomach, heartburn, diarrhea, or nausea (clearly hypochondria). I know,
|
|
however, from long experience of these things that spontaneous
|
|
synchronistic phenomena bring, by hook or by crook, fast sure relief and
|
|
occasionally make one an accessory to the deed. The statistically active
|
|
ingredient only concerns regularly occurring movements, and if considered
|
|
as aromatic, it simply abolishes all exceptions to the rule.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Historical Fragments
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[This fragment appeared on our of the recent Otisian Scholar Exam. The
|
|
subject was presented with the original Cuneiform Sumerian text and had to
|
|
translate it into modern English. For your convenience the translation is
|
|
given instead of the original text.]
|
|
|
|
1. And the so like these knights of Otis just, well, up and stuck out their
|
|
toilet brushes and like the army of the enemy saw these gleaming implements
|
|
and ran for the hills dropping all their possesions. It was a real route.
|
|
Otis came down and cast a cloud over the triumphant Knights so that the
|
|
enemy might now see the goofy grins on their faces from such and easy
|
|
victory.
|
|
|
|
2. Spode handed out chocolate coins and joy buzzers to the spectators.
|
|
|
|
3. Rotus was a bit miffed seeing as there were so few dead.
|
|
|
|
4. Many of the spectators who did not believe in Otis quickly shaved their
|
|
heads and converted over to Otis.
|
|
|
|
5. Then there was the time they tried to bring down the walls of Jericho with
|
|
a trumpet. They neglected to tell the trumpeter that Spode had been along
|
|
the day before and sold the residents of Jericho a shock proof glue to
|
|
prevent such a attacks.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Preach-O-Rama Wisdom
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
[This is only a fragment. I didn't want to bore people to tears with this
|
|
stuff in case they don't like it. As with last issue. Read through this
|
|
section carefully and you might discover some Otisian Wisdom.]
|
|
|
|
(Mal) I mean we can get like the college crowd with toilets. They are always
|
|
puking in them.
|
|
|
|
[..]
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Hmm and we get the kids in with bathroom humor.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) "Wow mom! A religion that uses toilets! Neat!"
|
|
|
|
(Mal) something every man can relate to.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Every household in america comes with at least one of them.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) You have to install a cross in our house. A toilet. Why it's already
|
|
there!
|
|
|
|
(Mal) and think how well it works into the butt business.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) who needs bowling when you can spend the night out toilet thrusting!
|
|
|
|
(Mal) in the immortal words of Fawna the kissed Booth Otisian Bimbo
|
|
|
|
(Mal) "Scrub my bowl hard!"
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Oh can't go wrong with something like that now can you? It's a win
|
|
win situation.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) "You don't believe in Otis! Well then why the hell do you use a
|
|
toilet!"
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Why do people flush their dead animals down the toilet? Or their live
|
|
ones for that matter? It's a custom left over from ancient Sumeria!
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) damn busy here.. talk when I can..
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Look at Knossos they had Toilets! Or ancient Rome!
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Busy! Too busy to hear the world of Otis! It should be shouted from
|
|
the highest roof tops and croaked from the lowest sewers.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) The truth must ring out across the land before Ragnarock Hits (or we
|
|
run out of stream and fresh ideas.)
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Eastern Europe is opening up. Send in the Otisian missionaries. Damn!
|
|
Get in there before the televangalists. The first words out of their
|
|
mouths should be "Send us money!" not "Praise the Lord!"
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) yeah some accounting class (large one) has an assignment due
|
|
tomorrow.. they're jamming all the labs
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Well ask them if they'd ever heard of Otis to confuse matters.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Hmm you explained to the accountants that computer can't lie?
|
|
|
|
(Mal) or how like the other week this guy came in and got electrocuted by a
|
|
mac.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) His moon pie fell on the terminal and cased a short and blammo! blew him
|
|
clean across the room. Luckily it only singed the moon pie.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) The paramedics came and had to like cut him out of the sheet rock with
|
|
one of those big hydrolytic dohickies.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) and he was so scared he wet his pants. You can still see the stain on
|
|
the carpet over there.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Hmm tell them to clear the room because it's time for jello
|
|
wrestling.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) AH yes those were the days in ancient Sumeria when they had warm
|
|
jello wrestling in the giant porcelain bowls.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) then the followers of Set one night in a whirlwind stole them for
|
|
their own evil purposes. Robert E. Howard mentions them in some of his Conan
|
|
Stories.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) oh christ.. you're on tonight. going to switch terms, hang
|
|
on.. back in a sec
|
|
|
|
(Mal) He blew his brains out at 32. He knew the truth. Used to write HPL
|
|
stories too.
|
|
|
|
[...]
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) okay.. that's better. not in people's way now.. yack. too damn
|
|
busy
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Well it does say preach-o-rama might as well get your money's worth.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Yeah well I was busy all day so I have to unwind now and generate
|
|
material for Purps.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) mal barker, tex box
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) push a button and a purps comes out
|
|
|
|
(Mal) The Pope is gonna have a cow when he saw that we leaked the Toilet
|
|
thrusting stuff.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) spin the dial, salvation flows forth with platitudes.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) make it a Guernsey
|
|
|
|
(Mal) actually usually you have to flog the dead horse for a while to get
|
|
something tonight though..
|
|
|
|
*** Rev changed the topic to Wang-Dang-Doodle! Preach-a-rama tonight
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Yes blessed are wearers of rubber boots for the feet shell be dry and
|
|
have a memorable odor and fetishists will flock to their doors.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Now all we need is an audience.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) holy grease savior, buckets of molten lead pouring over the
|
|
saints of old in vast abundance
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Hmm got like 10 converts as of late.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) oh good. I was wondering if the roster was growing.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Ah yes cast lead saint figurines. Collect the whole series.
|
|
Guarantied to sink in water. Use as mystical paper weights. Poison your
|
|
enemies. Toss around for wholesome exercise.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Yeah well it always grows. Always room for more freeloaders.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) they come with pointy heads so can be used as pencils
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) (the saints, not the freeloaders ;-)
|
|
|
|
(Mal) (why do people put up with me saying that about them I wonder)
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) they always think you mean someone else
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Or stick bits of fruit on the point for a decorative table display.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Or toss in the road to annoy motorists!
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Yeah or they like know it's true and don't' dare say otherwise.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) like caltrops
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Otis is not a religion of fat butted xians!
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) repeat last line please? missed it
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Or tacks like they use in the cartoons.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) hear, hear! we are a religion of falling-off-butted hexians
|
|
|
|
(Mal) Yeah or they like know it's true and don't dare say otherwise.
|
|
|
|
(Mal) This week Otis is worshipping potato pan cakes!
|
|
|
|
(Mal) An amazing treat to eat with say apple sauce and more flavorful than
|
|
lemon bars.
|
|
|
|
(Rev:+purps) hur ho. to some they are ho cakes.. to us they are symbols of
|
|
divine intervention in daily living.. the magic of the butter and flour
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
OTIS NEEDS YOUR TONGUES AND FINGERS to compose new hymns! The official
|
|
cannon of liturgical music has not been updated in 2,000 years and it's
|
|
beginning to sound a bit "old-fashioned." We need you to compose punk,
|
|
metal, industrial, blues, or psychedelic songs to the greater glory of the
|
|
one-and-only Ancient Sumerian God(dess) of Life, Otis! We will give lots
|
|
and lots of FREE publicity to any album you send us that contains any
|
|
original Otis songs. If we really like it, we might even worship it or
|
|
damn everyone who doesn't buy it to the 33rd Hell of Slogath!
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Do You Fly On Thai Airways (Wild World of Spode)
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 1991 22:02 HKT
|
|
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: do YOU fly on Thai airways?
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post -7 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_Thai airline to search for more attractive staff_
|
|
|
|
BANGKOK: The head of Thai Airways International has ordered the nation's
|
|
flag carrier to hire more attractive flight attendants. a newspaper
|
|
reported yesterday.
|
|
|
|
The problem was that the airline had been hiring too many college-
|
|
educated women even though only a high school diploma was required, Air
|
|
Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil told _The Nation_ paper.
|
|
|
|
"Intelligent women tend to not be good looking," the newspaper
|
|
quoted Air Chief Marshal Kaset as saying.
|
|
|
|
The airline chief, who is also head of the royal Thai air force and
|
|
a member of the ruling junta, said he had ordered airline recruiters to
|
|
screen flight attendant applications "in the way beauty-pageant judging
|
|
panels select contestants".
|
|
|
|
He was reported to have said this was necessary "because we have
|
|
received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses ar not pretty enough
|
|
[and are] too old and unsmiling".
|
|
|
|
"And we must improve on that" for Thai International to remain
|
|
competitive with other carriers, he was quoted as saying.
|
|
|
|
Thai Airways was lagging behind in passenger service "because we
|
|
have for years been complacent about our status as one of the best airlines
|
|
in the world", he said.
|
|
|
|
A Thai Airways spokeswoman said the airline was preparing a
|
|
response.
|
|
|
|
Air Chief Marshal Kaset was unavailable for comment, but another
|
|
senior air force officer echoed his reported statements.
|
|
|
|
Air Vice-Chief Marshal Panlop Tavorman said the system of screening
|
|
candidates was being changed because the airline had been relying on a
|
|
written test. "Thai International previously accepted hostesses who were
|
|
good looking, in good physical shape and had good manners," he said.
|
|
|
|
Most of these women only had high school educations.
|
|
|
|
"But nowadays we have an examination, and those who have a degree
|
|
apply and they have the advantage," Air Vice-Chief Marshal Panlop said.
|
|
|
|
"However, these graduates are not usually really beautiful, and we
|
|
have to take them because they take the examination first.
|
|
|
|
"But to be a hostess you don't have to be a graduate.
|
|
|
|
"So from now on, first of all, we will look at the face and the
|
|
physical shape and then we'll take the examination," he said.
|
|
|
|
Also, some hostesses who had been flying for many years would soon
|
|
be heading for ground jobs.
|
|
|
|
"At present the air hostesses work for a long time - some are
|
|
nearly 45 years old - so they are not pleasant to the eyes. And some do
|
|
not talk pleasantly," Air Vice-Chief Marshal Panlop said.
|
|
|
|
-Associated Press-
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Jigsaw in the Night Part II
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Jigsaw in the Night; Part 2, in fact, though who's counting?
|
|
|
|
It's an almost universally acknowledged fact that small boats, adrift
|
|
on violent seas, bob like corks. The boats floating off the south-eastern
|
|
coast of the Big Isle in Hawaii were no exception, tilting at random and
|
|
occasionally alarming angles as they slid over fairly stiff waves. The
|
|
results of the tossing and swaying were predictable. In the main cabin of
|
|
the largest of the four, the scientists, oceanographers, papal assistants,
|
|
secretaries, secretarial assistants, and sailors who were preparing for the
|
|
upcoming presentation were having a difficult time keeping the wall charts,
|
|
slide projector, viewing screen and furniture in general (someone had had
|
|
the foresight to bolt the semi-compact rectangular table to the floor, but
|
|
no one considered the eight chairs that surrounded it) in their proper
|
|
places. Charts, diagrams and black three-ring "briefing bibles" had taken
|
|
on lives and minds of their own, effortlessly gliding passed desperately
|
|
extended hands and through tired legs to end up in large jumbles in one
|
|
corner or another where, finally retrieved, they would have to be sorted
|
|
out all over again. The wall charts fared better, content to sway
|
|
threateningly more than anything and only fall off completely at the
|
|
occasional absolutely inopportune time, but the emergency screen, dug out
|
|
of a closet when the one embedded in the ceiling failed to lower properly,
|
|
made it plain that it had no intention of standing on its rickety legs.
|
|
The situation was not helped by the fact that there were 10 people assigned
|
|
to the job.
|
|
|
|
"The question", said a sailor, "is what idiot decided that this event
|
|
should happen here and why?"
|
|
|
|
"He did", said a papal assistant respectfully, "He thought it would be
|
|
an easy way of obtaining absolute privacy."
|
|
|
|
"The whole shebang, meeting included", said a secretary, "is, as I
|
|
understand it, supposed to look like a fishing trip."
|
|
|
|
"Assuming", said the sailor, "no one notices the millions of dollars
|
|
worth of scientific equipment you folks are lowering over the sides of
|
|
these trawlers. Got it! Your slide projector and screen are now firmly
|
|
bolted, now if you'll excuse me...."
|
|
|
|
"What I want to know," said an oceanographer "is what anatomical
|
|
diagrams of yaks of are doing at a meeting on a boat studying volcanic
|
|
activity on the ocean floor." She waved a handful of papers in the air.
|
|
The Papal assistant grabbed them.
|
|
|
|
"Let me see those, please. Brow's balls! Wrong meeting. Where did
|
|
you find them?" And he wandered quickly out the door, calling to a
|
|
superior before he received a response.
|
|
|
|
"Duct tape!", said a scientist appearing in the door, "Found it in one
|
|
of the compartments in the guest cabin. This should keep everything snug."
|
|
|
|
"Hail OTIS!" said a papal assistant.
|
|
|
|
In a slightly less crowded cabin on another of the boats, Jeffe I,
|
|
"Pope" of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes, and perpetrator of the
|
|
fastest growing cult in the world, was sitting cross-legged in the middle
|
|
of the floor, carefully overlaying a transparency of red, yellow, green,
|
|
purple, and blue lines over a map of greater London. After studying the
|
|
arrangement for a number of minutes, occasional shifting the transparency
|
|
one way or another, he shook his head a little, stroked his chin (where a
|
|
normally carefully managed goatee had been getting out of hand recently),
|
|
and sighed. Then, on inspiration, he propped the transparency and map
|
|
upright on one of the wall benches and stepped back for a different view.
|
|
Doing so his eyes caught his watch.
|
|
|
|
"OTIS", he muttered, then, louder, "Rosewater!"
|
|
|
|
"Sir?", a head poked itself through the cabin door.
|
|
|
|
"Time?"
|
|
|
|
"Sir?"
|
|
|
|
"Time, time. What time is it. As I am reasonably sure that it isn't
|
|
2:30 on October" (he looked at the watch) "18th."
|
|
|
|
"Around 3:35, sir. It's been happening to all the watches on board,
|
|
sir. Something about the equipment we're using."
|
|
|
|
"I suppose I'd better get dressed, hadn't I?" He gathered the map and
|
|
transparency up under an arm, "Put these, um, somewhere, would you? And
|
|
call to the main boat and make sure everything's going to plan.
|
|
Rosewater?"
|
|
|
|
"Sorry, sir." Rosewater made a vague gesture "These waves".
|
|
|
|
"Know the feeling. Banged my elbow four times already. Get all that,
|
|
by the way? Rosewater?"
|
|
|
|
"Sir?"
|
|
|
|
"Waves again?"
|
|
|
|
"No sir. Message for you sir. From Jade, sir."
|
|
|
|
"My favorite paranoid. Wonder what she wants...."
|
|
|
|
The Pope mucked through a closet for his red, paisley, gold and black,
|
|
dalmatian fur lined official wear. These set of robes had been a gift
|
|
several years ago from a (probably disgruntled, possibly blind the Pope
|
|
privately believed) follower. The Pope had worn them once or twice out of
|
|
pure guilt; like the shrunken sweater with sleeves of mismatched length
|
|
made as a Christmas gift by a senile aunt in anyone's youth. Unfortunately
|
|
the colorful robes had started a trend. Now Pope Jephe had no set of
|
|
official clothing which wouldn't qualify as a traffic hazard if worn while
|
|
walking on the sidewalk.
|
|
|
|
"She wants" said Rosewater who was apparently still there "to warn you
|
|
of an assassination attempt."
|
|
|
|
"Hmph." the Pope said, struggling with the sleeves, "I survived the
|
|
last one."
|
|
|
|
"Not without dying sir."
|
|
|
|
Rosewater continued.
|
|
|
|
"She says she's intercepted a message from the government's 'inner
|
|
bowels' which talks of a 'dangerous religious menace', 'a rise we must
|
|
stop', something called 'Project Rosebud' and its findings, 'the danger of
|
|
the teeming thousands' and 'the need to do something' about a 'PJI'."
|
|
|
|
"'The teeming thousands' and 'project Rosebush', huh? Tell her that
|
|
if she ties it all into the Freemasons she can put it in a novel and sell
|
|
it for a fortune." Then, on reflection, "Listen, Rosewater, you worry too
|
|
much. It's just the pinstripes talking to one another." He adjusted his
|
|
fez, and glanced at his watch "3:45. Ready?"
|
|
|
|
Whirrrrrr..... Click.
|
|
|
|
"This, gentlemen" said Kurt Zeigler, smiling "is what we were after.
|
|
The newest island in the Hawaiian chain. For our purposes referred to as
|
|
'Mu'o'."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
(pause)
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"About 4,000 feet high now give or take, and growing rapidly. When
|
|
it's finished it should be one of the largest mountains in the world,
|
|
around 30,000ft if the other islands are good guides." he glanced at the
|
|
nearest geologist "That's measuring from the sea bottom of course, and when
|
|
I say rapidly, I mean geologically so. We could hike it when it's done,
|
|
but in 10,000 years we'll probably all have a little difficulty getting to
|
|
the top."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
(pause)
|
|
(click)
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"(Athem) At any rate what interests us, of course, is whether or not
|
|
this is THE island we've been looking for."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
|
|
"The answer is probably. It fits the general description at any rate;
|
|
in the pacific around the coordinates calculated... a fairly remarkable
|
|
match, all in all, for a document 4100 years old. Here's the original
|
|
reference (with English translation on the side)"
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"and the calculations done later by Pope Aldoph I...."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"and his map, of the site, superimposed over the actual location."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"And this, of course is my mother, my sister and my cousin frank at
|
|
the Grand Canyon in 1973...."
|
|
|
|
(click)
|
|
|
|
"...hehe... Um, here's Mu'o again. We're still working on a reliable
|
|
estimate for the exact year of ascension, of course, but if Aldoph's
|
|
calculations are accurate, and we can date it, then, gentlemen, we will
|
|
have something unique in history, an exact date for the end of the world."
|
|
|
|
Zeigler shut off the machine and faced his audience.
|
|
|
|
"Questions? Bishop Chad?"
|
|
|
|
"Thank you. The question is obvious, now that we have a grip on the
|
|
date of Ragnarock, what do we do about--"
|
|
|
|
"Excuse me," said an elderly Bishop from the rear, "but does anyone
|
|
else hear airplanes?"
|
|
|
|
"Gentlemen!", said Jade Evans pushing into the room, "We have a---"
|
|
|
|
Cold. Pressure. Darkness. A sting in the nostrils (salt?), pressure
|
|
on the chest and an odd pressing hunger. Pieces of wood. A propeller
|
|
drifting gracefully by. A sting in the eyes. Water. Water. And
|
|
automatically struggling arms and legs caught in those damnable robes.
|
|
Drowning. Have to remember to listen to Security in the future. Or the
|
|
next one will. Does Bishop Edmunds swim? Do any of them swim?
|
|
|
|
Then, something dark. A quarter-moon shaped cave with an opening
|
|
ringed by two symmetrical rows of white stalactites. Huge. Dwindling. No.
|
|
Closing. And something glassy, circular, large. As large as a... well as
|
|
a person. Eye. Shark.
|
|
|
|
|
|
And a nudge, gentle, towards the surface.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
DR. DEMENTO'S 10 WORST SONG TITLES OF ALL TIME
|
|
|
|
1.I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream
|
|
2.They Needed a Songbird in Heaven, So God Took Caruso Away
|
|
3.Plant a Watermelon on My Grave, and Let the Juice Soak
|
|
Through
|
|
4.If the Man in the Moon Were a Coon
|
|
5.Where Did Robinson Crusoe Go with Friday on Saturday
|
|
Night
|
|
6.Come After Breakfast, Bring Your Lunch, and Leave Before
|
|
Suppertime
|
|
7.How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Loved You When You
|
|
Know I've Been a Liar All My Life
|
|
8.I've Got Those Wake Up Seven Thirty, Wash Your Ears
|
|
They're Dirty, Eat Your Eggs and Oatmeal Rush Off to
|
|
School Blues
|
|
9.Would You Rather Be a Colonel with an Eagle on Your
|
|
Shoulder or a Private with a Chicken on Your Knee?
|
|
10.A Woman Is Only a Woman, But a Good Cigar Is a Smoke
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
More from the Wild World of Spode
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 1991 22:07 HKT
|
|
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: a few more assorted bits...
|
|
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 17 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_Bikini theft threatens beauty show_
|
|
|
|
Bandits in Guyana almost thwarted a national beauty contest when
|
|
they stole the competitors' bikinis a few hours before the show was to go
|
|
on, police said.
|
|
|
|
The robbers picked the locks on a car containing 19 bathing suits
|
|
and organizers of the Miss Guyana Pageant were sent scurrying around
|
|
Georgetown for replacement suits long after shopping centres had closed for
|
|
the day.
|
|
|
|
The thieves ignored repeated radio and television ads offering
|
|
rewards if the outfits were returned in time for showtime, police said,
|
|
but eventually new suits were purchased for the contestants. Tracey
|
|
Deabreau, a Guyanese woman living in Toronto, was crowned Miss Guyana.
|
|
|
|
Guyana is a nation of one million people in northeastern South
|
|
America.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 17 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_In Brief_
|
|
|
|
* A court in Paris has awarded veteran rock singer Johnny Hallyday
|
|
symbolic damages after a Government anti-AIDS advertisement compared him
|
|
to a condom. Hallyday, 49, had asked the court for one million francs
|
|
(HK$1. 34 million) [US$171,795] in damages from the State Agency Against
|
|
AIDS. But the court yesterday awarded him only one franc.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Date: Sat, 7 Sep 1991 10:29:52 CDT
|
|
From: Dave Lewis <lewis%cadillac.cad.mcc.com@MCC.COM>
|
|
Subject: interesting and funny news article
|
|
|
|
AIDS activists put 15-foot 'condom' on Helm's home
|
|
|
|
Arlington, Va. (ap) A 15-foot "condom" remained inflated on the roof of the
|
|
suburban Washington home of Sen. Jesse Helms for at least 15 minutes before
|
|
police ordered it taken down, and AIDS activist group said Thursday.
|
|
|
|
Seven protesters used two blowers powered by a portable generator to fill
|
|
the nylon "condom" with air, said Peter Staley, 30, a member of Treatment
|
|
Action Guerillas. "A condom to stop unsafe politics," said the printed
|
|
message. "Helms is deadlier than a virus."
|
|
|
|
The group, which was formed by members of the militant AIDS activist group
|
|
ACT-UP, was protesting positions the North Carolina Republican has taken on
|
|
several AIDS-related issues, Staley said.
|
|
|
|
"We pulled the plug after the police arrived," said Staley, who is infected
|
|
with the AIDS virus. "We helped take the condom down at their request and
|
|
the house looked just as it was before we arrived."
|
|
|
|
There were no arrests, police said. Helms had no comment, his office said.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 1991 21:56 HKT
|
|
From: God of Chaos <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
|
Subject: enjoy!
|
|
|
|
Forwarded message:
|
|
From tbrunow Wed Aug 21 12:09:45 1991
|
|
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 91 12:09:42 -0500
|
|
From: Apathy and Frustration <tbrunow>
|
|
Message-Id: <9108211709.AA02923@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
To: aragorn, meek, mfriedel
|
|
|
|
|
|
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority
|
|
is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of
|
|
the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven
|
|
days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from
|
|
the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the
|
|
Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one
|
|
1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ...
|
|
The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat
|
|
lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e.,
|
|
Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the
|
|
Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
|
|
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
|
|
temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says
|
|
"But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake
|
|
which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
|
|
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
|
|
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
|
|
|
|
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Sunday Morning Post Magazine -1 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_Slippery Customer_
|
|
|
|
A friend overheard the following conversation between a diner and a
|
|
waiter in a Shanghai restaurant.
|
|
Customer: We'd like the eels, please.
|
|
Waiter: Meiyou. There are none today.
|
|
Customer: There are. I can see them swimming around in the tank over
|
|
there.
|
|
Waiter: Yes. But the man who kills them is off.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post - 17 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_In Brief_
|
|
|
|
* St Louis plans to take its revenge against Axl Rose, who on the
|
|
latest Guns N' Roses album sleeve has two words for the city, where he was
|
|
arrested in August for allegedly starting a riot. The words are not
|
|
_bonjour_, and citizens will retaliate today by forming a gigantic human
|
|
finger (third digit). Arial photos will then be mailed to the singer.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TV & Entertainment Times - 2-8 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_The Last Word_
|
|
|
|
Life clearly goes on behind the closed doors of the Bank of Credit
|
|
and Commerce. A disgruntled holder of one of the bank's credit cards was
|
|
sent a bill for his annual fee shortly after the closure of the bank on
|
|
July 8. Naturally enough he chose to ignore the demand until things had
|
|
resolved themselves one way or another. Imagine his surprise, therefore,
|
|
when a month later he received another bill, this time adding on a finance
|
|
and a late payment charge. Worse yet, the bill cheerfully told him that
|
|
BCC cheques would not be accepted in payment and that his direct debit
|
|
agreement was no longer valid.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
South China Morning Post -1 September 1991
|
|
|
|
_Dead 'to hang'_
|
|
|
|
NAIROBI: A man who died in police custody last year has been convicted of
|
|
violent robbery by a Kenyan court and sentenced to hang along with three
|
|
other members of his gang, the _Daily Nation_ reported yesterday.
|
|
|
|
"He should serve the sentence wherever he is since his death
|
|
certificate and burial permit were not in the court file," ruled Mr.
|
|
Charles Rinjeu, 160 kilometres west of Nairobi.
|
|
|
|
The dead man, John Kamau, and his gang were found guilty of killing
|
|
a gang pregnant housewife while robbing a house of jewelry [sic] and cash
|
|
with machetes and iron bars in 1988.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
"It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
|
|
rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill them before they kill me. You're talking about
|
|
the American way of survival of the fittest."
|
|
|
|
-Ray Kroc, chairman of McDonald's
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Papal Ponderings #2
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Papal Ponderings #2: By Pope Geoff I: This week the Pope is Unusually
|
|
Crabby after a Tooth Operation But not Beyond Redemption
|
|
|
|
IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209 Cambridge, MA 02139
|
|
|
|
"The gods give us paranoia so that we may occasionally glimpse something of
|
|
the truth".-- Socrates
|
|
|
|
Oh, so now I have to write another column? Brow's privates, I give this
|
|
Mal#3 guy the PRIVILEGE of writing six or seven reviews for the OTISian
|
|
Directory, the most hallowed OTISian publication on the face of this
|
|
pathetic little planet, and what does he do? Demands that I return the
|
|
favor and write him a CONTINUING column, that's what. There's no pleasing
|
|
some people, let me tell you. I give him fame and fortune and he wants 650
|
|
words from OTIS' first chosen representative on the Doings here at the
|
|
first FULLY registered OTIS worshiping organization in existence. It's bad
|
|
enough that he insists on sticking his nose into the fez thing. I don't
|
|
know, these people who risk life, limb and genitalia in the faint hope of
|
|
learning the TRUTH.
|
|
|
|
And I'm a busy Pope. Think I have time for this? Think it's EASY to crank
|
|
out a 53 page OTISian Directory of the heppest, weirdest, most bizarre
|
|
sources for weird shit by mail four times a year, in ADDITION to weekly
|
|
mailing and OTISian sacred objects, WHILE single-handedly managing a secret
|
|
plot to defrost WALT Disney? You think those tunnels under the pentagon dig
|
|
themselves? That previously-locked-in-a-vault-at-a-US-Air-Force-base
|
|
"alien" remains move ON THEIR OWN to the museum in OTIS, MA for safe
|
|
keeping? OTIS! It's hard enough just keeping the President away from the
|
|
secret doctrines of Koresh. I have stuff to DO here.
|
|
|
|
Ah, well. Might as well make the most of it, twist it to my advantage and
|
|
all. Besides I suppose it needs doing. What with the Rev. claiming Mal#3 is
|
|
OTIS. Should I enlighten you on that one? Nah. Let the born-a-minutes enjoy
|
|
the sweet, sweet lies of Our Mostly Holy Deity. Disillusionment's for
|
|
weenies. The truth hurts and we amuse. It sets free, but only we provide
|
|
quality entertainment. Omne ignotum pro magnifico est. And what all this
|
|
stuff about appearing in candles, anyway? If I wanted to send a message I
|
|
would have called Western Union. Turn my back of a minute and my faithful
|
|
followers have turned me into Mr. Guppy the wonder psychic. Almost wish I
|
|
didn't enjoy the magazine so much. Still one wonders where these people
|
|
will be when the film in the reality projector runs out and Ragnarock
|
|
descends upon us all.
|
|
|
|
But you know what really gets me? Tamper resistant packaging. This stuff
|
|
has got to be an evil Zachinthian (the evil Atlantean like race working
|
|
with the Anti-Otis, B. Otis, Too, to usurp OTIS at Ragarock) plot; I had to
|
|
use a blow-torch on an "easy re-seal" (here I agree, if you can figure out
|
|
how to open this stuff, resealing it should be a snap) package of sliced
|
|
turkey meat today. I don't LIKE my turkey meat burned. I know this now. At
|
|
least yak comes in easy to open cans. If I had a nickel for all the times I
|
|
just gave up and ate the packaging along with the meal... (OK, so I've
|
|
never done this, but I know I've considered it idly once or twice before
|
|
dismissing it as foolish).
|
|
|
|
What's that you say? You expected more of me this time? Like some better
|
|
things about hw'as really going on at the House? Like some USEFUL
|
|
reflection on the nature of OTIS' majesty or something "relevant". Hm....
|
|
Alright, you have me there, I suppose I should oblige, "The Pope has a
|
|
certain fondness for lemonade". That outta hold ya.
|
|
|
|
Nunc scripsi pro OTISo da mihl potum--
|
|
|
|
Pope Jeph I
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Messenger of the Gods Part Five
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Suddenly a huge figure loomed up before us, flanked by two more.
|
|
|
|
"You seen any green dorks about?" boomed the huge figure. I could barely
|
|
make him out in the fog. He was well over six feet tall dressed in
|
|
camouflage pants and some a combat jacket. In his hamlike fists he
|
|
held some sort of heavy duty machine gun, a bulging magazine sticking out the
|
|
bottom. The two flanking him were even harder to make out. One looked like a
|
|
priest and the other I could not describe. They too also carried weapons.
|
|
|
|
"That way!" I said waving my empty gun in the general direction on the army
|
|
of greys.
|
|
|
|
"Thanks," said the man, he smiled for a second. His eyes flashed and he
|
|
lumbered off flanked by the other two.
|
|
|
|
"Damn green fog," muttered one.
|
|
|
|
Slowly we drifted away from where we though the greys were, not daring to go
|
|
too fast fearing we might run smack dab into them. Then off in the distance
|
|
we heard a tremendous electrical noise followed by much gunfire, that seemed
|
|
to echo and rattle around in the fog all around us. I could hear the big
|
|
man bellowing away about killing green dorks.
|
|
|
|
"We should go ask them if there's a way out of here," spoke up the
|
|
trembling woman.
|
|
|
|
"After they have dealt with the greys," advised the Man in Black.
|
|
|
|
We drifted. There was more gun fire. It grew fainter.
|
|
|
|
"We better follow them," I suggested. We shifted direction. I think we
|
|
were, but the tornado green fog made it impossible to be sure.
|
|
|
|
Shapes began to appear below our feet little heaps we took to be dead
|
|
greys. I saw one head clearly. One of it's eyes blown apart and shattered
|
|
like a glass christmas ornament. Those three whoever they are meant business
|
|
and certainly weren't scared one bit of the greys.
|
|
|
|
The firing grew fainter.
|
|
|
|
"Hurry," urged the woman in her weirdly accented voice.
|
|
|
|
It grew silent. We'd lost them.
|
|
|
|
"Oh fine!" I said, "Now what?"
|
|
|
|
"We continue," said the Man in Black picking up our pace.
|
|
|
|
We drifted.
|
|
|
|
And drifted.
|
|
|
|
And drifted.
|
|
|
|
Then we heard another noise. It was the scrape of oars. Then a fog horn,
|
|
muffled in the fog.
|
|
|
|
It came again. We sped up. None of use dared cry out to whoever it was
|
|
seeing as it could always be some sort of trick by the greys.
|
|
|
|
"Look even if we did have a lighthouse or like a set off a nova grenade we
|
|
ain't gonna see any better in this swutting fog!" said a voice.
|
|
|
|
"Well, we should try something. I'm getting swutting bored of this dumbass
|
|
rowing," said another who sounded rather grouchy.
|
|
|
|
"Well look let's just dump the mattressheaded boat and use our boots."
|
|
|
|
"No way! This boat has style."
|
|
|
|
"Wait, I thought you hated the boat!"
|
|
|
|
"I do."
|
|
|
|
Then we saw them. Through the fog came two of the strangest figures I'd
|
|
ever seen. In a small row boat with the words "Titanic" painted on the side
|
|
stood a man dressed in some of the most outlandish clothing I'd ever seen.
|
|
Perched on is head was a pith helmet shaped hat loaded with bobbing and
|
|
waving bright yellow spheres on the end of wires. He wore a pair of chrome
|
|
plated sun glasses. Over the top part of his body was a toga of
|
|
sorts with zippers and utility pockets all bulging. The toga was an ever
|
|
changing shimmering plaid that not only changed color, but moved around in
|
|
a most disturbing manner making one loose their balance if they stared at it
|
|
too long. For paints the figure wore black jodhpurs covered by steel spikes.
|
|
There were stuffed into a pair of huge motorcycle boots that looked like
|
|
they'd been mated with unearthly electronic devices. Little wires and
|
|
bits of plastic indicator lights and controls covered them.
|
|
|
|
His companion, who was the one doing the rowing, was dressed in a large suit
|
|
coat covered with pictures of small birds being electrocuted on telephone
|
|
wires. He wore a kilt of bright green that went well with his teeth which
|
|
had green streaks. On his nose were perched a pair of thick
|
|
multicolored sun glasses. He also wore a pair weird boots, much like the
|
|
other. Something was weird about the rower. He didn't seem human. Maybe the
|
|
other one wasn't either.
|
|
|
|
"Ah hoy!" yelled the one standing up, waving in a friendly fashion at us,
|
|
the spheres in his hat bobbing madly, the plaid churning. I had to look
|
|
into a blank patch of fog in order not to be sick at all the motion.
|
|
|
|
"Now what!" asked the other dropping the oars and turning around to see us,
|
|
fixing us with those multicolored sun glasses.
|
|
|
|
I could feel the Man in Black next to men tense.
|
|
|
|
"You know them?" I asked out the corner of my mouth.
|
|
|
|
"Hmm looks like we found them," said the first with the hat.
|
|
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
...And Arani spent 44 days and 44 nights seeking the bloody parts of Otis.
|
|
And at the end of that time Arani re-assembled the parts and discovered
|
|
that the head was yet lacking. And Arani sat down and grieved for the head
|
|
of Otis was not to be found. And Spode came upon Arani weeping over the
|
|
body of Otis and Spode appeared unto Arani as a god that had not been seen
|
|
before. And Spode spake unto Arani thusly "O Worshipful Divinity, why dust
|
|
thou weep?" And Arani, not knowing Spode for himself but thinking that
|
|
this was some new god, spake "For 44 days and 44 nights I have searched for
|
|
the parts of my mate Otis but nowhere in sky, in sea, or on land could I
|
|
find the head of Otis." And Spode spake unto Arani "Verily, I say unto
|
|
you, do not be overcome by grief, for I am a travelling god and I have seen
|
|
the head of Otis flowing down the river Imrana crying for Arani." And
|
|
Arani was overcome with grief and spake "Then the head of Otis is lost
|
|
forever." And Spode spake unto Arani "Nay, it is not so, for I saw where
|
|
the head of Otis was washed up upon the shore and was covered in sand."
|
|
And Arani spake with great joy "I am filled with great joy." And they went
|
|
unto the place that Spode had spoken of and behold, Spode dug into the sand
|
|
and retrieved a bloody piece of flesh. And Arani was filled with great
|
|
joy. And Spode placed the piece of flesh upon the body of Otis and spake
|
|
words of great power and Otis was raised up. But Arani was filled with
|
|
great sorrow and wept. And Arani spake "Bitter is the cup you have poured
|
|
for me, Strange God, for the piece of flesh was not the head of Otis."
|
|
Indeed, thusly it had come to pass, the piece of flesh was a sexual organ.
|
|
In this way Otis came to have both types of sexual organs, both the male
|
|
organs and the female organs, but there is no head upon the divine
|
|
shoulders of Otis...
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Third Installment from Ancient Otisian Books
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
58. And when We said: Enter this city, then eat from it a plenteous (food)
|
|
wherever you wish, and enter the gate making obeisance, and say,
|
|
forgiveness. We will forgive you your wrongs and give more to those who do
|
|
good (to others). And enter the subways armed with plenty of tokens that
|
|
you may enjoy the ride.
|
|
|
|
59. But those who were unjust changed it for a saying other than that which
|
|
had been spoken to them, so Otis sent upon those who were unjust a
|
|
pestilence from heaven, because they transgressed. And their socks began to
|
|
sleep and the underwear began to creep. And their hair fell into knots and
|
|
matted heaps and their children into the dreaded toy addiction which caused
|
|
the parents to spend a years savings on small plastic easily lost items.
|
|
|
|
60. And when Qasireu prayed for drink for his people, We said: Strike the
|
|
vending machine with your staff So there gushed from it twelve flavors;
|
|
each tribe knew its flavor: Eat and drink of the provisions of Otis and do
|
|
not act corruptly in the land, making mischief.
|
|
|
|
61. And when you said: O Qasireu! we cannot bear with one flavor, therefore
|
|
pray to Otis on our behalf to bring forth for us out of what the earth
|
|
grows, of its ho-hos and its ding-dongs and its cheetoes and its doretoes
|
|
and its wheat germ. He said: Will you exchange that which is better for
|
|
that which is worse? Enter a city, so you will have what you ask for. And
|
|
abasement and humiliation were brought down upon them, and they became
|
|
deserving of Otis's wrath; this was so because they disbelieved in the
|
|
communications of Otis and killed the Popes unjustly; this was so because
|
|
they disobeyed and exceeded the limits.
|
|
|
|
62. Surely those who believe, and those who are Fropheads, and the
|
|
fornicating Christians, and the Sabians, whoever believes in Otis and the
|
|
Last day(Ragnarock) and does good, they shall have their reward from Otis,
|
|
and there is no fear for them, nor shall they grieve. For Otis will take
|
|
them by the hand in the time of need and see them through the stopping of
|
|
the Reality Projector.
|
|
|
|
63. And when We took a promise from you and lifted the mountain over you:
|
|
Take hold of the laws of Otis. We have given you with firmness and bear in
|
|
mind what is in it, so that you may guard (against B. Otis).
|
|
|
|
64. Then you turned back after that; so were it not for the grace of Otis
|
|
and Her mercy on you, you would certainly have been among the losers.
|
|
|
|
65. And certainly you have known those among you who exceeded the limits of
|
|
the House of Blue Light, so We said to them: Be (as) apes, despised and
|
|
hated.
|
|
|
|
66. So Otis made them an example to those who witnessed it and those who came
|
|
after it, and an admonition to those who guard (against B. Otis).
|
|
|
|
67. And when Qasireu said to his people: Surely Otis commands you that you
|
|
should sacrifice a yak; they said: Do you ridicule us? He said: I seek the
|
|
protection of Otis from being one of the ignorant.
|
|
|
|
68. They said: Call Otis for our sake to make it plain to us what she is.
|
|
Qasireu said: He says, Surely she is a yak neither advanced in age nor too
|
|
young, of middle age between that (and this); do therefore what you are
|
|
commanded.
|
|
|
|
69. They said: Call on Otis for our sake to make it plain to us what
|
|
her color is. Qasireu said: He says, Surely she is a yellow yak; her color
|
|
is intensely yellow, giving delight to the beholders.
|
|
|
|
70. They said: Call on Otis for our sake to make it plain to us what
|
|
she is, for surely to us the yaks are all alike, and if Otis please we
|
|
shall surely be guided aright.
|
|
|
|
71. Qasireu said: He says, Surely she is a yak not made submissive that she
|
|
should plough the land, nor does she irrigate the tilth; sound, without a
|
|
blemish in her. They said: Now you have brought the truth; so they
|
|
sacrificed her, though they had not the mind to do (it).
|
|
|
|
72. And when you killed a man, then you disagreed with respect to that, and
|
|
Otis was to bring forth that which you were going to hide.
|
|
|
|
73. So We said: Strike the (dead body) with part of the (Sacrificed yak),
|
|
thus Otis brings the dead to life, and He shows you Her signs so that you
|
|
may understand.
|
|
|
|
74. Then your hearts hardened after that, so that they were like rocks,
|
|
rather worse in hardness; and surely there are some rocks from which
|
|
streams burst forth, and surely there are some of them which split asunder
|
|
so water issues out of them, and surely there are some of them which fall
|
|
down for fear of Otis, and Otis is not at all heedless of what you do. And
|
|
verily there are rocks to be found in the head as well.
|
|
|
|
75. Do you then hope that they would believe in you, and a party from among
|
|
them indeed used to hear the Word of Otis, then altered it after they had
|
|
understood it, and they know (this).
|
|
|
|
76. And when they meet those who believe they say: We believe, and when
|
|
they are alone one with another they say: Do you talk to them of what Otis
|
|
has disclosed to you that they may contend with you by this before your
|
|
Lord? Do you not then understand?
|
|
|
|
77. Do they not know that Otis knows what they keep secret and what they
|
|
make known?
|
|
|
|
78. And there are among them illiterates who know not the Book of Lies, and
|
|
they do but conjecture.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Optima Plan Part Five
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
Date: Fri, 13 Sep 91 21:56:14 CDT
|
|
From: "Reverend John" <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: optima plan five
|
|
|
|
below you'll find Optima Plan part the fifth. Didn't cover you and otis this
|
|
time cuz I think stew will do so. I'm sort of taking both me and stew out of
|
|
the narrative for abit (though of course Stew will continue hers) so as not
|
|
to make it The Rev And Stewy Show.
|
|
Enjoy.
|
|
|
|
Optima Plan
|
|
part five
|
|
by Rev. John
|
|
|
|
The voice on the phone was low and calm, belying the urgency of the
|
|
news.
|
|
"Shark, this is Rev. I've had a message from Otis."
|
|
"Hey, cool. So what's the old god got to say?" Shark replied, half-
|
|
distracted as she fed Fairbourne a McDLT.
|
|
"The stuff that Steph brought Q they're messages from Optima Plan.
|
|
They've been re-arranging words and letters in the News of the Weird to
|
|
spell out messages to their agents."
|
|
Shark's eyes grew alert. "So?"
|
|
"So, they're getting desperate. The messages are kind of dated, but
|
|
they refer to a contingency plan, to be used in case they were unable to
|
|
eliminate us.."
|
|
"..which they haven't.."
|
|
"Right. The thing is, they knew in advance what the birth of Fairbourne
|
|
would mean. So they had a plan to stop the next generation of infants,
|
|
who would carry the seeds of heaven within them."
|
|
"Yeah?"
|
|
"They're going to sterilize the entire world."
|
|
"What?!?"
|
|
"They have a base on the moon. From there, they'll create a field of
|
|
radiation through the earth that will make humans unable to produce
|
|
fertile zygotes."
|
|
"That's insane!"
|
|
"I know.. they're desperate. The thing is, they can't get the radiation
|
|
through the ozone layer. So, they've got a plant on board the space
|
|
shuttle Discovery. Once they're up in space, their plant will launch a
|
|
satellite that will poke holes in the ozone to let the radiation
|
|
through."
|
|
"Shit!"
|
|
"Yeah, exactly. You've got to get to Cape Canaveral, Shark. You've got
|
|
to stop their plant before the shuttle lifts off."
|
|
"Okay, I'll jet out this afternoon. What about you?"
|
|
"I've got an appointment to keep. I'll be out of touch for a bit, so
|
|
leave messages with mal or on my answering machine. It's secure."
|
|
Shark frowned at this. Fairbourne, sensing the danger surrounding his
|
|
godfather, meeped at the phone. "Be careful, Rev."
|
|
"Don't worry. I'm the model of caution."
|
|
|
|
Sixteen hours later, Shark arrived in Florida, half a day before the
|
|
scheduled shuttle launch. Using her expertly-forged Press badge she
|
|
strode past the guards.
|
|
Once she was inside the NASA public corridors, she slipped into the
|
|
restroom. She opened up a small bundle.
|
|
Fairbourne's little eyes looked up at her from within the package.
|
|
"Meep?" he meeped.
|
|
"Shh.." Shark shushed..."It's time. Do your stuff."
|
|
Fairbourne squinched his eyes shut.
|
|
|
|
Not too terribly far away, Humpy the Stumpy Bear felt Fairbourne's mind
|
|
reach out to her. The brave little plastic kazoo sent a wave of re-
|
|
assurance to the youngster, then followed it up with a release of
|
|
energy.
|
|
|
|
Shark walked out into the hallway, dressed as a NASA ground crew
|
|
technician. She walked assuredly out one of the heavily-guarded access
|
|
docks and onto the staging platform. Before her, the gantry tower rose
|
|
up into the starry night. She looked up at it, at the great white ship
|
|
resting there, and pondered things for a moment.
|
|
|
|
SamHill scanned the pages of the new Job Hunter that Stewy had sent,
|
|
looking for an exciting, challenging career that would provide
|
|
motivation and security. Right now, the best thing he had found was the
|
|
'Help Wanted' sign at the Big Bopping Burger Boy down the street. The
|
|
pay wasn't bad, actually, provided that he could remain sane in the
|
|
service industry.
|
|
Down the road, at the Burger Boy in question, a man in a DisneyCorp
|
|
power suit carefully aimed an assembly of tin foil and oyster crackers
|
|
in the direction of SamHill. With a few adjustments to the oyster
|
|
crackers, Sam's mind altered imperceptibly, making the idea of working
|
|
at the Burger Boy quite attractive.
|
|
The man smiled. Soon the first would fall.
|
|
|
|
Far away to the south, Shark entered the shuttle, Fairbourne & Humpy
|
|
Stumpy's powers mind-blanking the guards watching the video cameras.
|
|
Her attire was now that of an astronaut. As she moved towards the
|
|
cockpit, she wondered what it would be like in space, beyond the reach
|
|
of the safe ground below.
|
|
|
|
And in a small town in Missouri, a long limousine pulled up in front of
|
|
a big rambling house on Wilson Avenue. The front door of the house
|
|
opened, and Rev walked out, wearing his new CHUCKS and fingering the
|
|
assembly hanging from his neck, which now included a chaos medallion
|
|
inscribed with elemental symbols and a cheap little plastic skull, in
|
|
addition to the putrid green hand Stewy always harped on.
|
|
He walked down the driveway, picking up the afternoon paper on the way.
|
|
Reaching the limo, a door opened and he climbed in.
|
|
"I assume you guys are the DisneyCorp reps?"
|
|
"Better known as Optima Plan, that's right."
|
|
Rev nodded. "Okay, let's go."
|
|
"You know you were a fool to set this up. You aren't coming back
|
|
alive."
|
|
"Shit lands where it falls, my brother. There are worlds greater than
|
|
this."
|
|
"Yeah.. worlds of shit. Where you are."
|
|
Rev put his hands behind his head and stretched out, green eyes closing.
|
|
"Wake me up before you kill me."
|
|
|
|
TO BE CONTINUED
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
CONTEST!
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
|
|
You know how the government is always hiding stuff from us? Well now's you
|
|
chance to expose the government! Yes now you can blow the whistle on the
|
|
shadow government no one ever hears about.
|
|
|
|
Here's how:
|
|
|
|
You know how the government has all these secret place where they hid
|
|
stuff? You know, like in the last scene of "Raiders". Well now you can send
|
|
into Purps your guess as to what these secret government warehouses hold.
|
|
|
|
Results of the contest will be printed as soon as we get some.
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
|
--Subink 1991
|