2361 lines
100 KiB
Plaintext
2361 lines
100 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
***** ****** ****
|
|
** ** ** ** ** Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
|
|
** ** ** ** The Summer Version of
|
|
***** ***** ** The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode
|
|
** ** ** **
|
|
** ** ** ** **
|
|
***** ****** ****
|
|
|
|
|
|
***** ***** ***** *****
|
|
***** ***** ***** *****
|
|
************* ************* ************* *************
|
|
** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
|
|
********* ********* ********* *********
|
|
** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
|
|
***** ***** ***** *****
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yep looks the same but it ain't
|
|
================================================================
|
|
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 24
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"South Florida's Very Own REPLIES TO: barker@acc.fau.edu
|
|
Non Alien Run Electronic Magazine"
|
|
|
|
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
|
|
*** P P U U R R P P S
|
|
***** P P U U R R P P S
|
|
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
|
|
********* P U U R R P S
|
|
*********** P U U R RR P S
|
|
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
* **** *
|
|
*** *** ***
|
|
**** * *****
|
|
************************************
|
|
****************************************
|
|
************************************
|
|
**** ***** *****
|
|
*** ***** ***
|
|
* ***** *
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
*****
|
|
***********
|
|
*********
|
|
*******
|
|
*****
|
|
***
|
|
*
|
|
|
|
WRITE TO: IGHF/POB 235 /WILLIAMSTOWN MA, 01267-0235
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
INTRO
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Boy oh boy. This has turned into a real ugly mess. I seem to have
|
|
managed to swamp myself with various bits of stuff to toss into Purps.
|
|
Not much Otisian stuff this time. This Issue is going to end up longer that
|
|
it is supposed, to be, but oh well these things happen right?
|
|
|
|
As usual I put off till the last instant so once again we have to make do
|
|
with a shoddy product. [This should teach me to plan ahead I suppose.]
|
|
This issue should be titled "Junk Mail Extraordinaire", since that's mostly
|
|
what this issue is. Along with some choice bits of other stuff here and
|
|
there.
|
|
|
|
I know News of the Weird is very popular so I left all that I had in and
|
|
a lot of what Spode Sent. Clearly Spode being in Hongkong has done
|
|
something to that place. Let this be a lesson to you all. When you move
|
|
to a new location, find out first if Spode if living near by. If so be
|
|
prepared for endless amounts of weird events and happenings.
|
|
|
|
Also including in this mega-junk issue, are once again more campaign
|
|
statements and various Humpy the Stump Bear Announcements. These's have
|
|
been slowing down late due to various cosmic events such as star
|
|
alignments and what not.
|
|
|
|
Also we have some submissions from new people who have never submitted
|
|
before. Come on the rest of you! You to can be a star in the Purple
|
|
Thunderbolt of Spode. Put your shoulder to the wheel and help the cause.
|
|
We really don't need fence sitters here.
|
|
|
|
Speaking of shouldering wheels, how many of you have made your tape
|
|
business for the Otisian 1-900 line? Now you too can not only be famous
|
|
on here, but also on live telephone. Baffle and befuddle innocent
|
|
bystanders. Get tremendous coverage of your cause. Make the innocent
|
|
masses see the light of Otis. Surely each and every one of you could pick
|
|
up a microphone and with a few pots and pans, or even a comb and a piece
|
|
of tissue paper compose a suitable hymn to Otis.
|
|
|
|
Please note that the official Snail Mail address of the Otisians is now at
|
|
the top of this Purps. Feel free to write the Pope and get on the amazing
|
|
mail list. This computer deal is only half the fun. Send the Pope a few
|
|
stamps and your mail box will overflow with printed Otisian Material. It's
|
|
also a good time now to reserve your copy of the Otisian Directory which
|
|
will be coming out soon. [I think that costs $3 or $4 now. I'm not sure
|
|
though. Drop the Pope a line at stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu and he can clue
|
|
you in.]
|
|
|
|
After lashing together:
|
|
|
|
Boy what a big mess. THis issue is essential the size of two issues, but
|
|
well it all kinda goes together. Sorry about not doing a great job on
|
|
proofreading and stuff. There was just so much of it and well the yacht
|
|
needed servicing today.
|
|
|
|
Also one note: Shark has been made pregnant by the Pope. She now carries
|
|
a Divine Child as well.
|
|
|
|
What's Inside
|
|
|
|
Manly-Men's Commandments
|
|
News of the Weird
|
|
Shark Speaks
|
|
And You Though Jesse Helms Was the Only Thing Wrong With NC
|
|
Heether Speaks
|
|
More News of the Weird
|
|
Watch Who You're Zipping
|
|
Build Your Own Digeridoo
|
|
And Still More News of the Weird
|
|
Otisian Story
|
|
Hazards of Doing Laundry
|
|
Sesame Street Actor Goes Berserk
|
|
Tossed Out of the Theater
|
|
Prayer To Heether
|
|
And Still More News of the Weird
|
|
Essay on Otis and Chucks
|
|
Clippings From The Campaign Trail
|
|
Weird Wild World of Hongkong
|
|
Free State of Cyberia
|
|
More Weirdness from Hongkong
|
|
And Still More News of the Weird
|
|
Optima Plan Part I
|
|
Evil Plot Uncovered
|
|
The Divine Child
|
|
An Official Spodian Submission
|
|
And Still More News of the Weird
|
|
Yet Another Spode Submission
|
|
How to Protect Yourself From Space Aliens
|
|
Pork Queens
|
|
More Ravings from Shark
|
|
The Chuck Egnima
|
|
And Still More Wackiness from Hongkong
|
|
Mal Speaks Plus Revelations from Humpy the Stumpy Bear
|
|
Voter Fraud
|
|
More from Shark
|
|
More Notes on the Campaign Trail and Stumpy Stuff
|
|
A Response to One of Our New Readers
|
|
And Still More Campaign Notes.
|
|
|
|
Anyways, let the games begin:
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MANLY-MEN'S COMMANDMENTS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
[Clip and save. That's right. Just take this right out of Purps and
|
|
print it out. Post it on the employee bulletin board or the bathroom and
|
|
see what happens.]
|
|
|
|
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 9:34:11 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: Manly-Men's Ten Commandments (fwd)
|
|
From acct069@carroll1.cc.edu Tue Jun 18 21:35:17 1991
|
|
From: Ron <acct069@carroll1.cc.edu>
|
|
|
|
|
|
The following Manly-men Commandments were written so as to remove any
|
|
ambiguity that could arise in regard to the treatment of one's
|
|
spouse/fiance/girlfriend. It is hoped that all men obey these sacred
|
|
laws, for any breach of these written rules will be considered a sin
|
|
against womanhood and may result in the loss of manly privileges such as
|
|
Monday Night Football with the guys or hitting the ball with your
|
|
neighbor, Ted.
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Manly-Men Ten Commandments
|
|
|
|
I. Thou shall obey thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times.
|
|
|
|
II. Thou shall shower thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with gifts daily.
|
|
|
|
III. Thou shall unconditionally love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with
|
|
all of thy heart and mind.
|
|
|
|
IV. Thou shall listen to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times and
|
|
NEVER question the decision of thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
V. Thou shall love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) mother with all
|
|
thy heart and mind and respect her as thy would as thine own.
|
|
|
|
VI. Thou shall cater to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) every whim.
|
|
|
|
VII. Thou shall spend every waking moment thinking of thy
|
|
spouse/fiance/girlfriend and call her at work/home at least once a day
|
|
just to "say hello."
|
|
|
|
VIII. Thou shall dedicate thy entire life, limb and savings account/IRA/CD
|
|
to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
IX. Thou shall not cross, argue with, criticize, debate with, anger,
|
|
embarrass in public or ignore thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at
|
|
ANY time.
|
|
|
|
X. Thou shall perfect thy mind-reading skills so as to prevent ANY
|
|
shred of misunderstanding that can occur in everyday life.
|
|
|
|
Follow these, and be manly.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 2 Jul 91 16:46:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Weird Haberdashery":
|
|
|
|
[What exactly is Suspicion of Indecent Exposure? Is one Suspicious
|
|
Exposed? ]
|
|
|
|
A man wearing a G-string, chaps, a shirt, and shoes--but no pants--was
|
|
arrested in Los Angeles at 3:00 one morning while being led down a city
|
|
sidewalk on a chain by another man. The man in the chaps was booked on
|
|
suspicion on indecent exposure, but the man leading him by the chain was
|
|
not arrested because there is no law against leading someone by a chain.
|
|
|
|
[Reports could have been mistaken. It could have been a Yak Costume. Or
|
|
maybe a disguised Humpy the Stumpy Bear Costume. Put horns on a bear suit
|
|
and you've got a yak. Still, who would dare use Stumpy for such purposes.
|
|
Or a yak for that matter.]
|
|
|
|
A suspected narcotics dealer in Washington, D.C. was arrested as he sat in
|
|
his parked car sipping Schlitz Malt Liquor, which used a bull in its
|
|
advertising, by an undercover officer dressed as a bull. The rented
|
|
costume used in the arrest was designed to embarrass the 31-yr-old suspect,
|
|
who police Sgt. John Kornutick said had given police "a lot of abuse" in
|
|
the past.
|
|
|
|
[Notice how the toilet seats in public places are horseshoe shaped.
|
|
Perhaps wearing them around you neck could be a sign of luck. Has a study
|
|
been done to see if these students grades have improve with the use of
|
|
these talismans?]
|
|
|
|
West Delaware High School in Manchester, Iowa acted to curb students'
|
|
rest-room breaks by requiring students on their way to the bathroom to
|
|
wear toilet seats around their necks.
|
|
|
|
And from "People Who Won't Take No for an Answer":
|
|
|
|
In a 1981 incident, as gunfire rang out in a Las Vegas casino when police
|
|
scurried to catch some troublemakers, dozens of officers had to climb over
|
|
casino customers, who had dropped to their knees but continued to feed the
|
|
slot machines.
|
|
|
|
In 1978 Leonard Njuguna Muraya, a Kenyan [not Kenyon] exchange student at
|
|
the University of Oregon, attempted to commit suicide by jumping through a
|
|
closed 2nd-story window. The fall wasn't steep enough, so he went back
|
|
upstairs to a neighbor's 2nd-story apartment and jumped through that
|
|
closed window. Again, he failed so he went back to the neighbor's
|
|
apartment and tried it a 3rd time. He was rushed to the hospital but
|
|
pronounced dead shortly after arrival.
|
|
|
|
Light-skinned Theresa Mulqueen Skeeter sued her employer, a Norfolk,
|
|
Virginia municipal agency, for discriminating against her in 1983 because
|
|
of her race, claiming to have been born black and raised all her life with
|
|
blacks. In 1987 she filed another such complaint against the agency,
|
|
charging they discriminated against her because she is white.
|
|
|
|
In 1988 a man pulled a gun outside a Charles Town, West Virginia
|
|
convenience store minutes before it opened, fired a shot through the front
|
|
window to gain entry, and forced the clerk (who was preparing for the
|
|
day's business) to sell him a can of STP oil treatment.
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "My room with a view views a room with a
|
|
view that views my room with a view. Look
|
|
Stephanie Klein three stories up, see a patch of blue..."
|
|
123 S. Madison -- Wall of Voodoo
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
SHARK SPEAKS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
[More no doubt Divinely Inspired ravings from Shark, who appears to be
|
|
becoming our resident Cassandra. ]
|
|
|
|
Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 20:59:26 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: .....(5)
|
|
|
|
I'm running down the street my fin and my flippers scraping the road,
|
|
headphones set to AC/DC's shoot to Thrill, looking for old people, dead
|
|
people and those just wandering around of strung out high in their cars, I
|
|
want to kill, the blood thirsty starve d shark on the loose, fed up with
|
|
age old people in their Lincoln town cars and stupid little signs in the
|
|
windows, just fuck with their minds, with their brains, do anything that
|
|
works and then shove them in a itty bitty garbage can o hell.
|
|
|
|
what I'd do for money...rip open vegetable cans in public, slam beer cans
|
|
on my head and look like a geek or a goon, throw bitchy women on the
|
|
ground and proceed to scare the living shit out of them..
|
|
|
|
Cuxz I'm back in black...living on the highway from hell sick of those
|
|
shit can grandparents blocking the road of the free and brave and the
|
|
mutherfucking soda pop can kids. Blowing my steam on the road to murder
|
|
city, killing the bumpers as I go..got the stereo going on 12, blowing the
|
|
neighborhood up, not that I care...I feeling bad...then stewy says I look
|
|
like a normal person, oh thanks.. Just cuz I come from a semi normal
|
|
family, have a semi-spastic cat, and yuppie sisters...oh great the whole
|
|
worlds going to hell and me with it, well I can't go cuz I have to figure
|
|
the damn program for my pagemaker class yet, and if I don't murder the
|
|
teacher first who's being sickly sweet, I think I'll go barf in the
|
|
corner, cuz it sucks and I hate not being able to grab the teacher's
|
|
attention to figure out just what the fuck I'm doing to the damn thing
|
|
aside from waiting to blow the goddammit thing up...wouldn't that be
|
|
nice... there's that word again, nice...too damn nice, think I need a
|
|
image change or to move someplace else...move to Australia, find andrew
|
|
and hoot and let it all out, go wild and become a visa addict. I want to
|
|
shake, rattle and roll, what the hell is normal anyway? Does anyone
|
|
really know? Do perfect families count? I got one, but who cares, does
|
|
it really matter, I had a great childhood I love my parents, I get a long
|
|
great with my siblings, my parents have basically said I can live here
|
|
until who knows when and I don't have to pay rent, but do you really care,
|
|
I didn't think so...I don't smoke, I don't do illegal things outside of
|
|
careless hacking once in a while and fuck, well I do some of that, you can
|
|
ask me personal shit if you want, I don't really care...I think that's the
|
|
bottom line, I know what I want to do, I don't care if I don't look crazy,
|
|
I like me just fine and if you don't, just fuck it, and don't pay attn
|
|
|
|
attention.
|
|
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND YOU THOUGHT JESSIE HELMS WAS THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH NC
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Subject: Train Laws
|
|
Date: 3 Jul 91 12:58:46 GMT
|
|
|
|
I took a trip to Spencer Shops in Spencer, NC this past weekend, and
|
|
learned an interesting bit of railroad legislation. (Spencer Shops used
|
|
to be a railroad maintenance/classification facility owned by Southern
|
|
Railway).
|
|
|
|
Apparently, NC legislators, in their infinite wisdom :-), passed a law
|
|
that prohibited trains from running on Sunday unless there was livestock
|
|
or perishables aboard. Southern Railway kept a mule at Spencer Shops
|
|
whose sole purpose was to get on board a train on Sunday so that a run
|
|
could be made from Spencer to Goldsboro.
|
|
|
|
No clue as to whether mule appreciated his weekly trip....
|
|
|
|
Any other amusing railroad laws anyone knows about?
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
HEETHER SPEAKS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 91 15:59:28 pdt
|
|
From: hclausse@weber.UCSD.EDU (Heether)
|
|
Subject: RE: Prayers to the Goddess
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
|
|
I am also glad to hear that you are eating TV dinners--I trust you
|
|
particularly delight in the most mushy of main entrees, which can of
|
|
course be shaped into paisley form in a gesture of holy worship. But, I
|
|
warn you, do NOT eat things packaged in checks and plaids, for these would
|
|
not well suit a paisley priest... Otherwise, twas distressing to hear of
|
|
the lack of paisley clothing in the thrift stores near you. I sent
|
|
paisley lust to all thrift store owners a while back, in the hopes that
|
|
this would help spread the paisley cause around the world in the form of
|
|
clothing (though nakedness and tattoos would be preferable --but i don't
|
|
think the mortal world is yet ready for this), but I suppose this
|
|
backfired--they must all be keeping their paisley wares to themselves.
|
|
Sigh--i am not used to dealing with mortal greed. But perhaps you, OH
|
|
Priest, can help by informing these shopkeepers that their customers wish
|
|
to buy paisley things (then we shall have to figure out how to inform the
|
|
customers. Hmm--perhaps a paisley scandal, which of course would be good
|
|
paisley worship as the only paisley sin is being an upright and straight
|
|
citizen, would help. If you have ideas, please pray them my way--I know
|
|
it might seem unseemly for a goddess like me to thus ask the advice of my
|
|
priest, but you ARE my intermediary on this plane, and I am constantly
|
|
befuddled by humans, for all that I enjoy playing with them much more than
|
|
watching from afar as some of my fellow deities do...)
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
|
|
Innumerable and Greatly Twisted blessings
|
|
|
|
--P.G.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 3 Jul 91 16:34:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: News o' the Weird
|
|
|
|
Enjoy this while it lasts, friends; I'm only going to be here another
|
|
month...
|
|
|
|
This is from the chapter called "The Entrepreneurial Spirit":
|
|
|
|
The best-performing British exports, according to a contest in 1975, were
|
|
the spaghetti the Great Yarmouth company sold to Italy and the chow mein
|
|
sold by Birkenhead to Hong Kong. The pre-fab huts sold to Outer Mongolia
|
|
and the tom- toms sold to several African nations by smaller companies
|
|
were 2 other leading exports.
|
|
|
|
And from "Makes Sense to Me":
|
|
|
|
Appealing his prison-escape conviction before the Iowa Supreme Court, a
|
|
convict said that he was just trying to escape the prison's "drug-filled
|
|
environment."
|
|
|
|
A 37-yr-old New York boat mechanic was convicted of the 1980 murder of a
|
|
Long Island man and sentenced to life in prison. The jury did not accept
|
|
his explanation that he stabbed his victim 72 times and ran over him with
|
|
a car in "self-defense."
|
|
|
|
Administrative law Judge Robert Kendall refused to order the all-male
|
|
Bohemian Club (which counts among its members ex-presidents of the U.S. as
|
|
well as corporate executives) to hire female employees at its exclusive
|
|
retreat. Kendall found that the club did discriminate against women but
|
|
that it had a "legitimate defense" in that the club members "urinate in
|
|
the open without even the use of rudimentary toilet facilities" and that a
|
|
woman's presence would "alter" their behavior.
|
|
|
|
The New York State Health Department fined A. Barton Hepburn Hospital
|
|
$4000 in 1984 for allowing its chief medical officer, Dr. John
|
|
Bongiovanni, to continue to perform operations after a 1980 auto accident
|
|
left him blind. Bongiovanni performed urinary, bladder, and prostate
|
|
operations with the help of nurses and other doctors who made decisions
|
|
for him.
|
|
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
WATCH WHO YOU'RE ZIPPING
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 91 20:16:47 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: Zip-Zip (fwd)
|
|
|
|
|
|
Some years ago, one of the St. Paul, MN newspapers ran the following
|
|
story as a news item:
|
|
|
|
{ed But also quite probably an urban legend...}
|
|
|
|
A recently-married young couple were getting dressed for work one morning
|
|
and were in foul humor as the result of a just-ended spat. The wife had
|
|
trouble with the zipper of her dress and finally asked her husband to zip
|
|
it up. He grabbed the zipper and said "Zip, zip, zip!" as he yanked it up
|
|
and down, wrecking the zipper of her best dress in the process. That did
|
|
little to promote wedded bliss but they finally went off to work.
|
|
|
|
When the wife came home from work that afternoon, she saw her husband
|
|
working under his car parked in the driveway with just his legs extending
|
|
from beneath it. As she walked by, she grabbed his zipper and said "Zip,
|
|
zip, zip!" as she jerked it up and down. Feeling smug and pleased with
|
|
herself, she walked into the house but was horrified to discover her
|
|
husband standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. "Who was that
|
|
under the car," she gasped. "Oh, that was our neighbor, Joe," he replied.
|
|
|
|
Then she had to confess what she had done and asked him "What do we do
|
|
now?" After a moment's thought, he said "Well, we'd better go out and
|
|
apologize and explain the situation to him." So they went out and called
|
|
to him but got no response. Looking under the car, they discovered that
|
|
he had been so startled that he had reared up, knocking himself
|
|
unconscious, and was bleeding heavily from a deep cut on his forehead.
|
|
|
|
There the story ended, but I suspect that the couple had some difficult
|
|
moments while trying to fix that embarrassing situation.
|
|
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
|
|
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
|
|
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
BUILD YOUR OWN DIGERIDOO!
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Thu, 04 Jul 91 21:41:03 -0400
|
|
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
|
|
Subject: Digeridoo Info.
|
|
>From: ccrowley@ohmeda.com (Chris Crowley)
|
|
Subject: didgeridoo lessons 4U
|
|
|
|
|
|
hello, I started some didgeridoo (doo) interest a few weeks ago with the
|
|
request for some recorded music. Well... I did buy Kate Bush "the
|
|
dreaming" it was terrible. I had to sell the CD back to the store, which
|
|
I rarely do. The other CD I bought was "BAKA" by the group "Outback" on
|
|
hannibal records. This is very good. Now the coincidence: I have been
|
|
looking to buy a doo for almost 3 years. Two days after I bought the
|
|
latter CD, two people appeared on the local campus selling doos. I bought
|
|
one, got some lessons, etc.
|
|
Now I will try to answer your questions:
|
|
|
|
TO MAKE A PVC PIPE DOO: get 4 feet of 2" dia schedule 40 PVC pipe from the
|
|
local hardware store. Also get a fitting that connects the 2" pipe to 1"
|
|
sch 40 pipe. This is a cap with a hole in it. The cap will be your
|
|
mouthpiece. I went to the hardware store and did this. The sound is not
|
|
as good as a wooden doo, but still pretty good.
|
|
|
|
TO PLAY THE DOO: "Prap" your lips like a motorboat. Try different rates.
|
|
Soon you will get the tube to resonate. When you have this down, try
|
|
moving your throat, mo get t (sorry problems with the editor) get the tube
|
|
to resonate. When you have it, try moving your throat, tongue, lips,
|
|
cheeks, etc. Try humming while prapping. When you really have it, move
|
|
your mouth off to the side so that half (I use the left) of your upper and
|
|
lower lips are over the hole and half are not. This gives you much better
|
|
control.
|
|
|
|
TO CIRCULARLY BREATH: This came almost naturally to me after 4 days of
|
|
nearly constant play (yes, I have a job). Practice by filling your
|
|
cheeks, breathing in through your nose while squeezing your cheeks closed.
|
|
That was easy, the hard part for me was re-starting the doo after each
|
|
breath. Just practice, it will come I promise. Make it a habit to ONLY
|
|
breath in through your nose, while exhaling by squeezing your cheeks. NO
|
|
CHEATING! after a few days it will work. Saying the word didgeridoo (yes,
|
|
i am serious) while breathing in through your nose and exhaling through
|
|
your cheeks (and prapping all the time) will help. I swear. anyway see
|
|
ya.
|
|
|
|
\ ccrowley@ohmeda.com
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 23 Jun 91 20:42:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter entitled "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time":
|
|
|
|
A cinder block tossed from a car window killed a man in Minneola, NY in
|
|
1988. 2 college students, both 20, were charged with 2nd-degree
|
|
manslaughter for allegedly throwing the cinder block that killed 22-yr-old
|
|
Umansor Benitez as he stepped off a train. Investigators said that the 2
|
|
students were trying a stunt called "papering," in which a bundle of
|
|
newspapers is thrown at passersby from a moving car & harmlessly flies
|
|
apart in the air. The students reportedly used a cinder block when they
|
|
couldn't find a bundle of newspapers.
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "First Things First":
|
|
|
|
The woman whom Catholic priest Gene Jakubek confessed to having had sex
|
|
with 4 times in 2 years insisted they actually had sex twice a month for 4
|
|
years. In fairness to Jakibek, she added that he did give up sex for Lent.
|
|
|
|
In Paris, when the pilot of a French jetliner bound for Marseilles
|
|
announced to the 280 passengers as the plane was ready for takeoff that he
|
|
had decided to join a strike by his company's ground crew, the passengers
|
|
seized the aircraft & announced they were holding the pilot hostage until
|
|
either he took off or the airline found them another flight.
|
|
|
|
And from "Okay, You Explain It":
|
|
|
|
After the New Jersey Dept. of Transportation began construction on a
|
|
7.2-mile stretch of Rte. 55 in 1983, the following things occurred: One
|
|
construction worker was run over by an asphalt roller truck; another was
|
|
blown off a bridge overpass; 1 inspector died on the job of a brain
|
|
aneurysm; 1 worker's feet mysteriously blackened; 1 worker's wife
|
|
miscarried; a van carrying 5 workers burned & exploded; 1 worker's parents
|
|
were killed in an auto accident the night after the project began; the
|
|
brother & father of 1 worker died on the same weekend. Carl Pierce, chief
|
|
of the Delaware Indians, said that the construction desecrated an ancient
|
|
burial ground.
|
|
|
|
From the chapter called "Oops":
|
|
|
|
The most serious injury attributed to the Dec. 1988 Los Angeles earthquake
|
|
was a man admitted to a Burbank hospital after he mistook the tremor for
|
|
an intruder & shot himself in the leg.
|
|
|
|
In Hammond, IN, an employee of the Northern Indiana Public Service
|
|
Company, sent to disconnect a customer's service because the electricity
|
|
bill had not been paid, instead turned off the power to the house next
|
|
door, killing a woman hooked up to life-support equipment. The utility
|
|
apologized & offered to pay the woman's funeral expenses.
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "In every jumbled pile of person there's
|
|
kleinsr@marcus.kenyon.edu a thinking part that wonders what the part
|
|
that isn't thinking isn't thinking of."
|
|
Stephanie Klein --They Might Be Giants
|
|
123 S. Madison
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
OTISIAN STORY
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
One day, a long time ago, Otis and Spode up and decided it was high time
|
|
to pay a visit to the Greek gods. After all Spode and Otis had been
|
|
around for quite a few years before these young upstarts showed up.
|
|
|
|
And so Otis and Spode climbed up the great peak of Mount Olympus taking
|
|
their time and occasionally stopping at the photo opportunity spots to
|
|
take a picture or two for the folks back home in ancient Sumeria.
|
|
|
|
Finally the reached the of the home of the Gods of Olympus. Hercules
|
|
came storming out to see who exactly were these two creatures who had
|
|
dared to tread on sacred soil.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly Spode had an idea. "Great Scott! Otis your shirts on fire!"
|
|
"Huh what!" said Otis a bit dazed. He'd been thinking up something witty
|
|
to say to the muscle bound fellow who was approaching them.
|
|
|
|
"Quick. Put out your shirt! It's on fire!", yelled Spode panicking.
|
|
|
|
It suddenly dawned on Otis was going on, so he quickly put out his shirt.
|
|
Taking the tails our from there they were neatly tucked in his pants.
|
|
|
|
Spode smirked at the sight of Otis now with his shirt tales undone.
|
|
Hercules seeing the state of Otis's atire was loath to present him to the
|
|
other gods, but in the end he did.
|
|
|
|
The Olympian Gods of course took note of Otis's disheveled looks much to
|
|
Spode glee and from that day forward refered to him as "That Scruffy God
|
|
from Sumeria".
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
HAZARDS OF DOING THE LAUNDRY
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Fri, 05 Jul 91 12:59:45 CDT
|
|
From: UC541831@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU
|
|
Subject: News of the Weird...the lady who lost her arm to laundry
|
|
|
|
WOMAN'S ARM SEVERED IN WASHING MACHINE ACCIDENT
|
|
|
|
Boonville, IND (AP) A woman's arm was severed when she tried to push
|
|
clothes back into the coin-operated washing machine during its spin
|
|
cycle, authorities s aid. Norma Bass, 26, was in critical but stable
|
|
condition after nine hours of surgery to reattach her lower arm. Bass
|
|
and her two preschool-age children were the only ones at the Laundromat wh
|
|
en the accident occurred. "Her younger daughter had opened the door. The
|
|
washer was in a spin cycle and clothes started to fall out of it. Norma
|
|
ran back and apparently tried to push t he clothes back into the washer,"
|
|
police chief Wendell Ingram said today. Her arm got entangled with the
|
|
clothes and apparently was twisted off at the el bow, he said. One of her
|
|
children dialed 911
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
SESAME STREET ACTOR GOES BERSERK
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 23 Jun 91 20:48:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: for purps... this tv star thing is getting out of hand:
|
|
|
|
From News of the Weird:
|
|
|
|
New Yorker Northern J. Calloway, 32, an actor on the tv series Sesame
|
|
Street, went on a rampage through a residential neighborhood, beating a
|
|
woman with an iron rod, taking a school bag from a child waiting for a
|
|
school bus, breaking a car windshield with a rock, smashing the plate
|
|
glass window of a house, & vandalizing the interior of another home. "My
|
|
wife & I saw the man run naked into our garage," said Douglas Wright. "I
|
|
got my gun & found him in there. He had spilled a bag of white herbicide
|
|
on his body, & he was rolling on the ground & running around." After
|
|
Wright fired a warning shot over his head, Calloway "Fell to the ground
|
|
screaming" that he had been shot. "Then he jumped up & washed his face &
|
|
hands in our birdbath . . . and said he was a CIA man," Wright said. As he
|
|
was being taken away, strapped to a stretcher, Calloway screamed, "I'm
|
|
David of Sesame Street, and they're trying to kill me."
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
TOSSED OUT OF A THEATER
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Fri, 05 Jul 91 13:17:08 CDT
|
|
From: UC541831@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU
|
|
Subject: More weird news...
|
|
|
|
Woman Ejected From Theater For Bringing Food
|
|
|
|
Knight Ridder Newspapers
|
|
|
|
Miami...No smoking during the movie please. No talking. No crying babies.
|
|
And definitely no eating, unless it's from the lobby food counter. That
|
|
last rule landed Marie LaValley outside the Wometco Kendall 9 Movie theater
|
|
on Monday, ejected by two police officers and a theater manager. Her
|
|
transgression: eating whole-wheat jumbo fruit cookies she had bought
|
|
somewhere else. LaValey has hypoglycemia, a disease that causes her
|
|
blood sugar level to plummet if she doesn't follow a sugar-free diet. She
|
|
said that's why she brought sugarless cookies into the theater. LaValey
|
|
and her daughter were watching a movie when a theater attendant asked h er
|
|
to put the cookies away, or leave the theater. "Go away and stop
|
|
bothering me," Lavaley said she told the attendant. She didn't know the
|
|
theater had a ban on food bought outside. Police arrived about an hour
|
|
later. "I was surprised they would come for something as silly as that,"
|
|
she said. But Womentco's vice president of operations, Jon Wray, doesn't
|
|
see it that way, hypoglycemia or not. He said if the company didn't
|
|
enforce the food rule, people would try to sneaks in such things as
|
|
"complete meals and pizzas."
|
|
******
|
|
|
|
Maybe we could like have a five-course dinner delivered :-)
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
PRAYERS TO HEETHER
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 12:12:15 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: okay so now I gotta worship another damn deity
|
|
|
|
for your reference, the following is the message I sent Heether.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 12:09:45 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU>
|
|
Subject: the invocation is now in session
|
|
To: Heether the Paisley Goddess <hclausse@weber.ucsd.edu>
|
|
|
|
<rhythmic drum beats begin>
|
|
<acolytes in paisley robes set light to the contents of two braziers>
|
|
<twisting patterns of fragrant smoke fill the chamber>
|
|
|
|
ALL HAIL THE PAISLEY GODDESS
|
|
mother of the paisley
|
|
ALL HAIL THE DIVINE SHAPE
|
|
child of the mother
|
|
ALL HAIL THE PATTERNS OF CHAOS
|
|
essence of them both
|
|
HAIL HEETHER
|
|
HAIL HEETHER
|
|
HAIL HEETHER
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 5 Jul 91 18:42:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter called "The Sports Section":
|
|
|
|
An April 1967 spring training game between the Chicago Cubs and the
|
|
California Angels in Las Vegas was called off in the 9th inning (with the
|
|
score tied, 10-10) on account of sunshine. (Pitchers complained they
|
|
couldn't read the catcher's signs because of the glare.)
|
|
|
|
And from "In Context":
|
|
|
|
Donald J. Talmont, 20, was charged with criminal damage to property after
|
|
he rammed his car into 10 trees & 3 street signs in Milwaukee on the night
|
|
of a lunar eclipse in 1989. Police quoted him as saying he only gets that
|
|
way when there is a lunar eclipse.
|
|
|
|
Then-U.S. Representative Richard Kelly (D-Florida), who was later
|
|
convicted in the Abscam scandal in the late 1970s after a videotape showed
|
|
him furiously stuffing payoff money into various pockets of his coat, was
|
|
quoted earlier by the Wall Street Journal concerning a piece of consumer
|
|
regulation: "I think the free-enterprise system is absolutely too
|
|
important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace."
|
|
|
|
Writing a majority opinion for the Utah Supreme Court affirming the
|
|
conviction of pornographer James Piepenburg while upholding the Utah
|
|
obscenity law even though it was significantly stricter than the U.S.
|
|
Supreme Court test allowed, Justice A.H. Ellett wrote that state judges
|
|
who went along with the U.S. Supreme Court's standard are "depraved,
|
|
mentally deficient, mind-warped queers."
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
ESSAY ON OTIS AND CHUCKS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 5 Jul 91 19:04:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: for purps:
|
|
|
|
CHUCKS AND WHY I MIGHT ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN OTIS AFTER ALL
|
|
|
|
Chucks are, of course,
|
|
the official shoe of Otisianism
|
|
... as much as anything Otisian is
|
|
official, anyway.
|
|
|
|
i've been wearing Chucks
|
|
since before i'd even heard of Otis.
|
|
and for those of you who have heard of Otis
|
|
without actually knowing what chucks are...
|
|
converse all-stars
|
|
basketball shoes
|
|
canvas
|
|
commonly high-tops
|
|
with the autograph of Chuck Taylor on the ankle.
|
|
|
|
and to give you some evidence that
|
|
Chucks and Otis are connected:
|
|
|
|
i have been
|
|
well
|
|
let's say a reluctant convert.
|
|
i know Otisians.
|
|
i count Pope Geophe I and Spode among my friends
|
|
along with many others who serve
|
|
Otis in various ways.
|
|
but i've always been reluctant to
|
|
latch
|
|
onto some organized religion.
|
|
|
|
not that Otisianism is organized
|
|
but i think you know what i mean.
|
|
|
|
the purple thunderbolt of Spode
|
|
recently mentioned the importance
|
|
of Chucks
|
|
to Otis and things Otisian.
|
|
|
|
so
|
|
this Chucks thing got me thinking.
|
|
|
|
these "coincidences" might actually be acts of Otis
|
|
(coincidences like me having
|
|
5 pairs of Chucks when they're Otis' fave shoes)
|
|
|
|
so i started thinking.
|
|
|
|
you see,
|
|
(or maybe you will soon)
|
|
my belief system involves some force
|
|
which has some effect
|
|
or influence
|
|
over some parts of our lives.
|
|
this force can be called fate
|
|
or nature
|
|
or god.
|
|
|
|
or Otis.
|
|
|
|
so maybe i believe in Otis after all.
|
|
|
|
satisfied, Mal?
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
Steph
|
|
kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu "My room with a view views a room with a
|
|
view that views my room with a view. Look
|
|
Stephanie Klein three stories up, see a patch of blue..."
|
|
123 S. Madison -- Wall of Voodoo
|
|
LaGrange, IL 60525
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
CLIPPINGS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 20:58:29 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: good god
|
|
|
|
more news from our campaign. my god mal that was a close one you had
|
|
in Selma. thank OTIS for Stumpy.
|
|
|
|
rev
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Making of the Revident, week two
|
|
|
|
file assembled June 24, 1991 8:21 p.m. CST
|
|
|
|
*******************************************************
|
|
June 20, 1991
|
|
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JAILED
|
|
|
|
Hyannisport, ME (AP) Third-party presidential candidate Rev. John and
|
|
Stewy Stewart, the Reverend's running mate, were arrested for unlawful
|
|
entry and disturbing the peace yesterday when they made an unexpected
|
|
entrance into a Democratic Party meeting.
|
|
|
|
In a surprise turn of events, the two were bailed out by the OTISian
|
|
candidate for First Lady, 'Mal' Barker. Barker, a resident of southern
|
|
Florida, arrived at the Hyannisport Courthouse wearing a flower print
|
|
dress and pumps, hair died white. Before an astonished group of reporters
|
|
and bailiffs Barker presented himself as the future First Lady to the
|
|
Reverend John.
|
|
|
|
"The First Lady is a position like any other on a president's staff, and I
|
|
believe I am fully capable of satisfying the job's requirements," Barker
|
|
said prior to bailing out his running mates.
|
|
|
|
Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart almost was held without bail
|
|
following an incident where deputies attempted to remove her athletic
|
|
shoes, standard procedure for temporary inmates. Stewart began screaming
|
|
and, using an aerosol spray and a lighter for a makeshift flamethrower,
|
|
set the courtroom briefly on fire.
|
|
|
|
In addition to providing bail, First Lady candidate Barker paid for the
|
|
damages from the fire, saying "Well we have just gobs and gobs of cash so
|
|
Stewy's little outburst isn't a problem. And of course they were trying to
|
|
take her 'Chucks' so her reaction is understandable." 'Chucks,' otherwise
|
|
known as the Converse All-Star athletic shoe, have emerged as a key theme
|
|
in the campaign, although its meaning and significance for the American
|
|
people are as yet not understood.
|
|
|
|
June 22, 1991
|
|
OTISIAN PARTY PLOTS '92 STRATEGY
|
|
|
|
Columbia, MO (AP) Candidates from the OTISian political party met last
|
|
night to plan strategy and do laundry.
|
|
|
|
Inviting reporters to come along, candidates the Reverend John and 'Stewy'
|
|
Stewart washed their laundry in public, citing "the people's need to
|
|
know."
|
|
|
|
"If there is fungus in our socks, if we have ring around the collar, the
|
|
public deserves to witness us wash our dirty laundry in public," the
|
|
Reverend John said.
|
|
|
|
During the session, the candidates met with First Lady candidate and
|
|
campaign manager 'Mal' Barker and other top OTISians electronically. A
|
|
University of Missouri-Columbia staff member in the Computer Department
|
|
denounced this usage of University property as frivolous and probably
|
|
illegal.
|
|
|
|
"I'm flabbergasted," said Arthur P. Flabbergasted, chief advisor to the
|
|
department. "They are using University property for purely personal,
|
|
political ends."
|
|
|
|
In response to this candidate/manager Barker cited his own extremely
|
|
gratuitous usage of state equipment in his native Florida. "I waste so
|
|
much time and equipment that belongs to the state doing stuff like this
|
|
that it would make your butt fall off," Barker said.
|
|
|
|
The results of the session were not made entirely public, but the
|
|
campaign's first official slogan was released amid fanfare and popping
|
|
cans of soda.
|
|
|
|
"JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO VOTE" read the banner, and those
|
|
present agreed that there was a certain element of truth to the statement.
|
|
|
|
June 25, 1991
|
|
SHOTS FIRED AT OTISIAN CANDIDATE
|
|
|
|
potential first lady subject of assassination attempt Selma, GA (AP) 'Mal'
|
|
Barker, candidate for First Lady on the OTISian ticket, was the target of
|
|
several gunshots reported to have been fired while Barker's motorcade
|
|
passed through this town on a return trip to his home in Florida.
|
|
|
|
"Three shots were fired in the space of two seconds from the eighth floor
|
|
of the Selma Calcium Depository," an official police spokesman stated. "We
|
|
believe a lone gunman to be responsible."
|
|
|
|
Thirty-two bystanders were struck by stray bullets and explosions caused
|
|
the destruction of eighteen cars and seven downtown businesses during the
|
|
few moments of the attack. Witnesses gave conflicting reports of anywhere
|
|
from no to fifteen armed people involved in the assault.
|
|
|
|
"There are a lot of conflicting claims and the damage looks a lot worse
|
|
than it is, let me tell you, but we are certain that a lone gunman was
|
|
responsible," Chief Buhtbaumbe maintained.
|
|
|
|
From their campaign headquarters in Columbia, MO, OTISian candidates the
|
|
Reverend John and 'Stewy' Stewart expressed shock and disbelief at the
|
|
incident.
|
|
|
|
"I am shocked at what has happened," the Reverend John said. "I can't
|
|
believe it," noted Stewart.
|
|
|
|
Candidate Barker was miraculously not wounded in the attack that leveled
|
|
an entire city block surrounding his car. He attributed his lack of injury
|
|
to the efforts of the OTISian security advisor, an individual only known
|
|
as Shark. Reports at the scene, however, were circulating that Barker also
|
|
believed his survival to be the responsibility of "Humpy the Stumpy Bear,"
|
|
a religious artifact and deity to the OTISians.
|
|
|
|
Selma police say they have no idea who the gunman was and have no leads in
|
|
the case. "As if we give a shit," Chief Buhtbaumbe noted.
|
|
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
WEIRD WILD WORLD OF HONGKONG
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1991 17:44 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
Subject: I may have already sent some of these - if so, sorry!
|
|
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 18 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Bin Liner_
|
|
|
|
Musical garbage trucks have been shipped to Taiwan by an American
|
|
firm.
|
|
A shipment of 80 trucks, made by Heil Co, was shipped from South
|
|
Carolina to the Central Trust of China for the Environmental Protection
|
|
Agency of Taiwan.
|
|
These trucks have been built to approach homes and start
|
|
broadcasting _A Maiden's Prayer_.
|
|
The average Taiwanese citizen, apparently, jumps to attention and
|
|
drags his garbage out whenever he hears this tune.
|
|
The idea is straightforward enough, but why choose _A Maiden's
|
|
Prayer_?
|
|
Wasn't there a tune called _Waste Side Story_?
|
|
Or _My Old Man's A Dustman_?
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 17 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Holy Teeth_
|
|
|
|
Allegedly seen in an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist:
|
|
|
|
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
_South China Morning Post_ - 1 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_America_ (Silly Nurse)
|
|
by Jon Marsh (reprinted without permission)
|
|
|
|
Never has the competition to find the New York region's model
|
|
citizen been more hotly contested.
|
|
First, there was a particularly strong entry from the Department
|
|
of Transportation (DOT).
|
|
A nurse, clutching her four-month-old baby, rushed into a
|
|
restaurant to help a waitress who had fainted. Selfishly, she left her
|
|
car in a no-parking zone and the ever-vigilant DOT stepped in smartly and
|
|
started towing the offending vehicle away.
|
|
No sooner was the car hooked up to the tow truck than the DOT
|
|
representative (known as a "brownie" because of the colour of the uniform)
|
|
came under increasing pressure from a gathering crowd to shirk his duty.
|
|
The final insult came when the police arrived and suggested that,
|
|
in the circumstances, the car should be released.
|
|
Fortunately, brownies outrank police in these situations and after
|
|
more than two hours, justice finally prevailed. The car was towed away
|
|
and the silly nurse had to pay US$190 (HK$1,472) to get her car back.
|
|
Let us hope that she learned her lesson.
|
|
The winners were three volunteer ambulancemen accused of the
|
|
manslaughter of a mentally retarded man who annoyed them by making too
|
|
many calls for help.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
I just ran across this tidbit:
|
|
|
|
In 1983, the U.S. Army banned men in uniform from carrying umbrellas,
|
|
on the grounds it would present an effeminate image. "They feel it
|
|
is an artificial affectation that Army officers need not have," said
|
|
a Pentagon spokesman. One anonymous officer remarked scornfully,
|
|
"Can you imagine a guy in war fatigues walking around a base
|
|
carrying an umbrella?!"
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Fruit Fly_
|
|
|
|
LONDON lawyer Stephen Birkett, formerly of Slaughter and May in
|
|
Hongkong, stopped off in India on his way to a holiday here.
|
|
There he was almost detained for Possession of Dangerous Fruit on
|
|
Indian Airlines.
|
|
Security swooped when they saw he was clutching a bag of mangos.
|
|
"Oh no, you can't take those on board," warned the guard.
|
|
Why not?
|
|
"Security reasons."
|
|
"Do you mean I may try hitting people with the mango stone?" asked
|
|
Mr Birkett.
|
|
"Yes," said the stern-faced guard. Once the mangos had been
|
|
placed under lock and key, Mr Birkett was allowed to proceed.
|
|
Also in his cabin bag were a penknife, a pair of scissors, a radio
|
|
and an alarm clock.
|
|
He said: "They didn't seem to mind those."
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 14 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Extra Helpings_
|
|
|
|
Bob Palitz of Metro Broadcast Corp came up with further
|
|
promotional concepts for McDonald's at Lourdes:
|
|
Rename their premium product the Big Monk.
|
|
"After 10 visits you are eligible for their Frequent Friar
|
|
programme," he said.
|
|
Roy C. Dewar of Standard Chartered Bank's credit department
|
|
suggested:
|
|
"Perhaps the person who prepared the food should be known not as a
|
|
French Friar but a Chip Monk."
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 28 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Getting A Head_
|
|
|
|
Brain damage can boost your work performance, scientists in
|
|
Germany have discovered.
|
|
Psychologist Eva Irle of Gottingen University scrambled the brains
|
|
of laboratory rats and found that a number of them displayed an
|
|
"improvement of intellectual accomplishments".
|
|
She compared her findings with studies of brain-damaged human
|
|
beings.
|
|
She found that while minor brain damage was definitely bad for
|
|
you, major brain damage could lead to a significant improvement of brain
|
|
power.
|
|
Readers are advised not to try home brain surgery after reading
|
|
this.
|
|
This news came to us from the April 21 edition of _German
|
|
Tribune_, a weekly review of the German press for people overseas.
|
|
Why did it arrive so late? Because, though clearly addressed to
|
|
us in "Hongkong, Hongkong," it was sent to Thailand.
|
|
Would someone at the German post office kindly have their brains
|
|
damaged a bit more.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
FREE STATE OF CYBERIA
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 91 8:59:55 CDT
|
|
From: Steve J White <aragorn@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: submissive submission
|
|
|
|
Okay, so my first submission isn't even written by me originally. But,
|
|
it's funny/interesting/sorta weird and all that rot. You have my
|
|
permission to use this even if it isn't mine. Hopefully something
|
|
relatively creative will spew forth from my dusty mind soon so I can
|
|
actually get something electronically published. L8r...
|
|
|
|
- etienne
|
|
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
From: steve@Advansoft.COM (Steve Savitzky)
|
|
Newsgroups: comp.org.eff.talk,comp.society.futures,alt.cyberspace
|
|
Subject: Cyberia: An Off-the-Wall Fantasy
|
|
Date: 23 May 91 00:22:25 GMT
|
|
|
|
I debated with myself for a while before posting this bit of
|
|
silliness. There's always the danger that somebody might take it
|
|
seriously. I wouldn't want that to happen. So, for the fantasy-
|
|
impaired, here is a grain of salt to take it with:
|
|
|
|
:::::
|
|
:::::
|
|
:::::
|
|
|
|
**********************************************
|
|
|
|
DISCLAIMER:
|
|
|
|
The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between the
|
|
totally off-the-wall ideas put forth below and opinions actually
|
|
held or actions advocated by any person (including the author) or
|
|
organization (especially the author's employer) is highly unlikely.
|
|
|
|
***********************************************
|
|
|
|
THE FREE STATE OF CYBERIA*
|
|
PROLEGOMENA TO A MANIFESTO
|
|
|
|
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary...
|
|
|
|
Well, that's the way it ought to start, followed by
|
|
|
|
We, the people of Cyberspace, in order to form a more perfect union...
|
|
|
|
The point is that Cyberspace is a separate country, a homeland of the
|
|
mind, a culture, a people bound together not by geography but by the free
|
|
exchange of information. To a very large extent we have our own
|
|
government, our own laws, and our own police. The laws are, to be sure,
|
|
chaotic and mostly unwritten; the government is an anarchy with volunteer
|
|
civil servants, and the police are vigilantes with little authority or
|
|
power. We have no army, few defenses, and most of our territory is in the
|
|
hands of foreign, imperial powers who have no idea of what goes on in
|
|
their distant colonies, but who insist on making laws to rule them anyway.
|
|
|
|
Could we declare independence, claim dual citizenship in our native
|
|
countries and in Cyberia, and seize control of our own territory? Probably
|
|
not. (Why not?) It's a crazy idea. (But is it crazy *enough*?) The
|
|
nation-states and the multinational corporations are too powerful. (But
|
|
we could put up a heck of a fight, couldn't we?) It's never been done
|
|
before. (There's never been anyplace like Cyberspace before.) Things
|
|
like that only happen in fiction. (Cyberspace is a fiction. Virtual
|
|
reality is a fiction.)
|
|
|
|
There are precedents. In the Middle Ages, the Church was a law unto
|
|
itself, transcending the national boundaries of Europe. The high seas
|
|
have always been outside of national law. The Native American tribes on
|
|
their reservations are separate nations (for some purposes, anyway).
|
|
|
|
Some tactics:
|
|
|
|
o Get organized. (This is *fiction*, remember?)
|
|
|
|
o Form an educational non-profit corporation (Free University of
|
|
Cyberia) that owns the data and computers that make up Cyberia.
|
|
Stake territorial claims via copyright. Computers and data would be
|
|
tax write-offs for their former owners.
|
|
|
|
o Form a religion (Church Of Virtual Enlightenment?). Make writing
|
|
programs, posting and reading news acts of worship. Get protection
|
|
via freedom of religion. Declare that the Deity is a hacker running
|
|
the universe as a simulation. (Quantum effects are due to round-off
|
|
error.)
|
|
|
|
o Pay (bribe) some tiny country to cede its territorial rights in
|
|
Cyberspace and recognize Cyberia. Failing that, put a computer on a
|
|
raft in the middle of the ocean. (Some pirate radio stations did
|
|
something like this a few years ago, didn't they?)
|
|
|
|
o Make every Cyberian computer an embassy and claim diplomatic
|
|
immunity. (This is where the whole thing breaks down. No
|
|
government on Earth would permit such a claim, would they?)
|
|
|
|
o Pass laws that make the advantages of Cyberia so obvious that almost
|
|
every individual and corporation with a computer would want to be a
|
|
part of it.
|
|
|
|
----
|
|
* pronounced "sy-BUR-i-a", as in "Cyberspace", so as to avoid
|
|
confusion with a certain Soviet republic.
|
|
|
|
****************************************************
|
|
|
|
Copyright 1991 by Stephen Savitzky;
|
|
All rights reserved.
|
|
|
|
May be freely distributed on any electronic medium
|
|
provided it remains complete and unaltered, including
|
|
the Disclaimer and this copyright notice.
|
|
|
|
****************************************************
|
|
--
|
|
\ --Steve Savitzky-- \ ADVANsoft Research Corp \ REAL hackers use an AXE! \
|
|
\ steve@advansoft.COM \ 4301 Great America Pkwy \ #include<disclaimer.h> \
|
|
\ arc!steve@apple.COM \ Santa Clara, CA 95954 \ 408-727-3357 \
|
|
\__ steve@arc.UUCP _________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
"...hurt not the Earth, neither the sea,
|
|
nor the tress..." Revelation 7:3
|
|
<<< Steve J. White >>>
|
|
<<< aragorn@csd4.csd.uwm.edu >>>
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE WEIRDNESS FROM HONG KONG
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1991 17:57 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 24 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Bionic Man_
|
|
|
|
Another classic job ad was contained in a letter received
|
|
yesterday from the Corona Club:
|
|
"WANTED: Candidate to work on nuclear fissionable isotope
|
|
reactive containers and three-phase cyclotonic uranium
|
|
photosynthesisers.
|
|
"No experience necessary."
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 27 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Bull's Eye_
|
|
|
|
We are pleased to see that things have improved in the _Wall
|
|
Street Journal's_ stock-picking contest.
|
|
Four investment professionals select the stocks they think will
|
|
pay off well in the next six months. They work against a team who stick
|
|
up a stock list on the wall, blindfold themselves and throw darts at it.
|
|
In the May round-up, the Men and Women in Suits did incredibly
|
|
well, showing gains of 50.6 per cent.
|
|
But the darts team gained 72.9 per cent.
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
Here is a very interesting quote I ran across a while back:
|
|
|
|
"Sexual relations with an animal are reserved for men alone," he wrote.
|
|
"A man may have sexual relations with animals only if the animal is
|
|
female. Sexual relations with a male animal are a mortal sin."
|
|
|
|
-attributed to the Ayatollah Khomeini - no mention is made of
|
|
how accurate the translation is. From _The Gay Fireside
|
|
Companion_ by Leigh W. Rutledge, p.176, c1989. ISBN 1-55583-164-8.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 25 Jun 91 08:23:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Marching to Their Own Tune":
|
|
|
|
In 1987 California Highway Patrol officer Dave Guild stopped a car
|
|
traveling 50 mph on the San Diego Freeway because its hood was open & a
|
|
man was under it working on the engine. The men said that they had been
|
|
having trouble with the gas pedal & that the man under the hood was
|
|
keeping the engine running by working the carburetor control. Neither
|
|
could understand why they were being ticketed.
|
|
|
|
Lord Avebury, 58, a British Peer of the Realm, announced in 1987 that he'd
|
|
be changing his will to ensure that after his death his body would be fed
|
|
to the dogs of the Battersea Dog's Home. Lord Avebury said, "I think it's
|
|
a terrible waste that bodies should be buried or cremated. Anyway, it's a
|
|
nice gesture to give the doggies a good meal, & it will save Battersea the
|
|
cost of some dog food, too."
|
|
|
|
From the chapter called "Weird Coincidences":
|
|
|
|
Visitors to the Kentucky State Fair in 1980 encountered 2 men claiming the
|
|
same title. Ricki Donovan, 35 inches high, billed himself as the "world's
|
|
smallest man." Down the midway, also billed as the "world's smallest man,"
|
|
was Pete Moore, 28 inches high. In spite of the obvious discrepancy,
|
|
Donovan refused to relinquish his title.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
OPTIMA PLAN PART I
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Thu, 27 Jun 91 12:57:55 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: okay you whimpering sycophant
|
|
|
|
Here's a submission for PURPS. Enjoy. How many more issues will you be
|
|
doing?
|
|
[Oh plenty more no doubt]
|
|
rev
|
|
|
|
|
|
Optima Plan, part one
|
|
by Rev. John
|
|
|
|
The First Lady's motorcade pulled out of Selma doing almost ninety miles
|
|
an hour, racing past the dusty yards and ramshackle houses. There had
|
|
been four vehicles when the group entered town, but two of them now lay
|
|
in a flaming ruin back in the town's center, surrounded by collapsed
|
|
buildings and wounded bystanders. The two remaining cars were scorched
|
|
and dented, the tracks of automatic weapons fire making dot-to-dot's
|
|
down the sides.
|
|
Inside the second car, OTISian candidate for First Lady Mal Barker was
|
|
spraying glances around like herbicide. He was slightly hunched down in
|
|
the seat, black hair dangling around his shoulders and damp with sweat.
|
|
The car had already leaked all its freon from a stray shot and the air
|
|
conditioner blew nothing but the warm humid air of Georgia.
|
|
"Selma Police Chief Buhtbaumbe has attributed the destruction to a lone
|
|
gunman, who he says 'is probably back in Cuba by now.' There are thirty-
|
|
two confirmed deaths, and a number of people wounded by gunshots,
|
|
shrapnel, and collapsing buildings. 'It's a holocaust here,' said one
|
|
woman who had her butt cut off by a piece of flying glass."
|
|
The driver, a member of Commodore Presley's staff on special detachment,
|
|
shut the radio off. "Bad juju," he said, shaking his head. "No shit,
|
|
fuckhead," Mal muttered to himself, still watching the tumble-down
|
|
houses on the side of the road for snipers. Clutched in one sweaty palm
|
|
was a small plastic bear, apparently a child's toy, with a pirate hat, a
|
|
peg leg, and a swollen stomach. Mal brought the little figure up to his
|
|
face and shook his head. Humpy the Stumpy Bear had come through again.
|
|
|
|
In the lead car, Security Advisor Shark was busy re-loading clips of
|
|
ammo for the pair of Baretta's she carried with her when on the job. If
|
|
truth be told, a fair number of those bystander-striking stray shots
|
|
had been issued from her hands, as she lashed out fiercely at the hit
|
|
squad known as 'the lone gunman'. But such matters were not to be
|
|
thought of now. They had a campaign to win.
|
|
|
|
Miles away, the OTISian Presidential candidate, the Rev. John, was doing
|
|
his laundry. Down the hall, Vice-Presidential candidate 'Stewy' Stewart
|
|
was carefully assembling a strange grouping of athletic shoes. On the
|
|
floor of her apartment lay almost twenty pairs of 'Chucks,' known to
|
|
the public as Converse All-Stars. She lay them out in the form of a
|
|
pentagram, then begin mumbling in a strange tongue.
|
|
The Rev. returned and found her like this, the smell of asparagus coming
|
|
from the steaming pot in the kitchenette. He stood for a moment watching
|
|
her. "Warding off spiders?"
|
|
"Nah, something's happened. I can feel a disturbance in the Chucks."
|
|
"What kind of disturbance?"
|
|
"Violence.. death.. pain.. suffering.."
|
|
"Cool! Maybe BOB is near.."
|
|
"No no, it's not that."
|
|
Just then the newly-installed fax machine in the corner beeped
|
|
and began to scroll out a piece of paper. Snatching it up, Stewy read
|
|
the words on it, looking glum. "Mal and Shark got hit in Selma. It's
|
|
pretty ugly."
|
|
"They okay?"
|
|
"Yeah I guess so. They want us to check on the Pope, though."
|
|
"The Pope? Oh shit."
|
|
"Yeah, you're right."
|
|
|
|
The two sat down by the pentagram and made strange motions in the air.
|
|
A twisting column of smoke began to pass before their eyes, as Stewy
|
|
lit up a cig. Before long the smoke coalesced into the form of a man's
|
|
head, a man wearing a pointy hat.
|
|
"Pope?" asked the Rev. "You okay?"
|
|
"It's begun," said the wispy figure in a sing-song voice. "Be on guard.
|
|
They circle like tv repairmen. Lock your doors. Belt your butts on
|
|
tight. Be trigger-happy. Watch for spam."
|
|
Suddenly the figure gasped and the face seemed to melt.
|
|
"Damnit Spode.." were its final words before dissipating.
|
|
"So what the fuck does this mean?" Stewy asked.
|
|
"Got me. I'm always in the dark about stuff. Then people take sticks and
|
|
"Shut up Tynes."
|
|
|
|
The sorry remnants of the motorcade arrived at the Florida HQ the next
|
|
evening. Heading directly for the local marina, the cars attracted a
|
|
bit of attention with their neo-Lebanon styling. A few of the more
|
|
knowledgeable types shouted "Hail OTIS!" and "Get the fuck out of here
|
|
you freaks!" but by and large people just stared.
|
|
At the marina, Mal, Shark, and the Commodore's detachment emerged from
|
|
the vehicles and climbed aboard a large yacht. Within the luxurious
|
|
stateroom inside, Commodore Presley greeted them.
|
|
"Hey ya'll. Heard you had a little trouble out Selma way."
|
|
"Nothing we couldn't handle," Shark noted with confidence.
|
|
"Not with Humpy Stumpy around at least," Mal put in.
|
|
"Well I hope you two weren't all shook up too bad. It looks like the
|
|
bad guys are puttin' the moves on."
|
|
"Hmm well we knew it had to start sometime."
|
|
"Just the same you oughta be more careful now." The Commodore's burning
|
|
eyes regarded them slowly. "Optima Plan has started."
|
|
"Fuck a duck," said Shark. "The missiles ready?"
|
|
Presley nodded. "We can launch on Tuscon at the drop of a hat."
|
|
Mal rolled his eyes. He doubted that the Commodore had even one missile
|
|
operational yet. He was constantly griping about not having enough cash,
|
|
and it was going to take a hell of a lot to get the Doomsayers ready
|
|
to go. He'd tried to convince Commodore Presley that the invisible fleet
|
|
wouldn't be needed for a while, and that ranged weapons had a higher
|
|
priority. But Presley was adamant. After all, he always had looked
|
|
snazzy in uniform.
|
|
|
|
Somewhere in New York State, SamHill pored over the old documents. His
|
|
new job at the archives paid well, but a more important currency was
|
|
the old documents he had turned up in his reorganization. This part
|
|
of New York had legends going back to the days of the American Indians,
|
|
legends of a group of beings who lived here even before they came. The
|
|
faded old manuscripts he was now perusing were the records of early
|
|
settlers, recording some of these legends.
|
|
It seemed now that no matter where he looked he found OTIS. The deity
|
|
showed up in the strangest places... elevators... water fountains...
|
|
and now these old legends that brought a shiver to him despite the warm
|
|
summer night. If these were to be believed, a time of trials was fast
|
|
approaching. An ancient enemy was gearing up for battle, battle with
|
|
the forces of good and right and sporty athletic shoes. He slammed his
|
|
fist down on the papers, angry at what his researches were telling him.
|
|
The OTISians would have to act fast in the days ahead, or all would
|
|
be lost.
|
|
|
|
-to be continued-
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
EVIL PLOT UNCOVERED
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 27 Jun 91 14:36:00 EDT
|
|
From: JEFFREY L STEVENS <stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: RE: Boy this is embarrassing
|
|
To: barker <barker@ACC.FAU.EDU>
|
|
Message-id: <15C0324DD220108E@ACC.FAU.EDU>
|
|
|
|
>Date: Tue, 25 Jun 1991 16:22 EDT
|
|
>From: SBI-Submarine Pens <BARKER@ACC.FAU.EDU>
|
|
>Subject: Boy this is embarrassing
|
|
>To: stevensj@vax001.kenyon.edu
|
|
|
|
>Hmmm I did a search of a bunch of Commentaries on Dante's Divine Comedy. and
|
|
>well by gum there were 0 (zero) references to Otis and 76 (far more than
|
|
>zero) references to Eris. Hmm odd or what?
|
|
|
|
>Mal
|
|
-----cut here----
|
|
|
|
Obviously the Zachinthians have gotten to the translations. Maybe you
|
|
should find and UNALTERED codex?
|
|
|
|
Twin names:
|
|
|
|
rather fond of Pastor and Collox myself, but....
|
|
|
|
sick joke anyway.
|
|
|
|
Mutt and Jeff, Jr.?
|
|
|
|
William and Mary?
|
|
|
|
Wash and Rinse?
|
|
|
|
Ahab and Pip?
|
|
|
|
Ariel and Calliban?
|
|
|
|
PJI
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
THE DIVINE CHILD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 0:05:54 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: The Divine Child
|
|
|
|
....Earlier this week, week of June 27th, I had this experience,
|
|
|
|
and it went like this...
|
|
|
|
....the Rev and I were talking to ourselves, you know, just talking, and
|
|
this man I didn't know who he was, rev started worshiping him, the
|
|
electrodes he spoke on, the very ground he paced. I introduced myself and
|
|
he said, "who? Do I know you?" I said I was the one who's written a few
|
|
stories in Purps and he says, "oh."
|
|
|
|
The next thing I know, I'm typing someone about babies. His. The Pope's
|
|
and mine.
|
|
|
|
I am currently carrying the Divine Child, a child that still needs a name,
|
|
and when this child comes (August 9, right in the middle of Gen-Con, very
|
|
apt I must say, Rev will be here, to bless the child with his presidency
|
|
and uncleship and maybe a bit of the wise man thang, you know, if you
|
|
follow me, hey babe, follow that star.
|
|
|
|
Next thing I know. My guardian angel is asking me what I'm going to name
|
|
the baby. My baby, I say, Pope hasn't said a thing. He's busy they say.
|
|
That's right, MY child. The Divine Child. Comes complete with Uncles
|
|
(already) and an aunt (just one) and ...
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AN OFFICIAL SPODIAN SUBMISSION
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 1991 18:59 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
Subject: Submission for PURPS - not original, as you can see - don't use of
|
|
don't want to...
|
|
|
|
_South China Morning Post_ - 25 May 1991
|
|
|
|
_Column Eight_
|
|
by Stuart Wolfendale [reprinted without permission]
|
|
|
|
It flared up in the letters columns not long ago and every time it
|
|
does, it takes me weeks to get over it. It is the sexless conviction,
|
|
widely held by those who have long since run out of sexual detonators,
|
|
that not so much as a blouse button or a belt buckle should be tampered
|
|
with by a young, lusty lad or lass until he or she "have completed their
|
|
studies".
|
|
In Hongkong, if you have the romantic misfortune to be
|
|
intellectually bright, this stricture will probably apply to at least
|
|
PhD level, if not appointment as a QC or election to a Fellowship of The
|
|
Royal College of Surgeons. I drank school milk and attended lectures in
|
|
some fairly fancy places which gladdened my Mum and Dad's heart in my
|
|
youth and pauperish good it has clearly done me, so I can say to the
|
|
younger generation that studying until your name has more letters behind
|
|
it than an upturned Scrabble set guarantees you nothing - except a
|
|
wrecked libido.
|
|
All that reading wears a three millimetre layer off the retinas,
|
|
so you need glasses which means that when, getting on for your 30s, you
|
|
are finally released to the hot embrace of carnal knowledge and you take
|
|
off your spectacles, you spend 20 minutes feeling your way over the
|
|
mattress trying to find it.
|
|
Years of study brings you, not fortune but responsibility and the
|
|
compulsion to work merit-gaining hours and attend evening meetings
|
|
summoned by a chairman so prune-dried by age that he thinks sex is the
|
|
way Australians pronounce "six". The young executive returns to his
|
|
wife at midnight and, despite having drunk the contents of two little
|
|
bottles with bulls on them, he is asleep by his young wife as soon as
|
|
his head hits the pillow. He need not fear for her.
|
|
So, it was with unusual delight that I spotted Ah Chuckle and his
|
|
girlfriend, Ah Titter, sitting in front of me on the ferry the other
|
|
afternoon. Ah Chuckle hardly looks the short trousered Civil Aid
|
|
Services model of sexual probity. In designer ripped jeans, his hair
|
|
flops down deeply into his neck and he wears an ear ring. For
|
|
Westerners who think they see signs of femininity in this, know ye that
|
|
Ah Chuckle would consign his grandmother to the underside of a passing
|
|
bus if he thought there was a dollar in it.
|
|
No one could ever accuse Ah Titter of femininity. She was in a
|
|
natty green boiler suit with a hair do that seemed to have mated with a
|
|
Javanese Parrot, topped off with a wave over her forehead, apparently
|
|
set in concrete and angled upwards to land and launch Harrier jump jets.
|
|
Both had long given up study on the grounds that spectacles get
|
|
broken in fights and tertiary educations helps not one wit in video
|
|
games centres or, later in one's career, with the management of
|
|
prostitutes. They began fondling each other, not in that timorous way
|
|
that groups Form Six [an educational level in Hongkong -Ed] goody
|
|
goodies do on barbecue hikes but with a straight-forwardness which
|
|
suggested they were never thoroughly at ease with all their clothes on.
|
|
By way of an interlude, Ah Tittle [sic] lit a cigarette. This was
|
|
anarchic stuff, not just because the ferry's upper deck was nominally
|
|
non-smoking. She probably couldn't read. A young Hongkong girl
|
|
lighting and devouring a fag on a public transport is no clearer signal
|
|
of siren, bad element strumpetry.
|
|
Then they began to kiss, not with footling little lip nibblers but
|
|
heavy pressure tonsil-lickers with sound effects that made themselves
|
|
heard above the engines. Two adjacent 'memsahibs', whose husbands were
|
|
probably "playing rugby in Manila" were visibly disturbed. Discussing
|
|
the relative merits of their clubs, they raised the volume of their
|
|
conversation as though this would somehow block out the physical reality
|
|
to their right.
|
|
By now, Ah Chuckle and Ah Titter were getting into a serious
|
|
position. She massaged his back, then her arms encircled him in the way
|
|
a pillion passenger's do a motor cyclists's.
|
|
Ah Chuckle, his jaw fully dropped, was staring in sightless
|
|
ecstasy through the window and across the seas.
|
|
The 'memsahibs', near hysterical and hoarse had moved to stand
|
|
flushed by the raised gangway with still 10 minutes sailing to go. I,
|
|
ill-equipped to join the sexual anarchy, went for a bit of a social
|
|
instead.
|
|
Observing the returning school mixed infants who charged
|
|
undisciplined round and round the deck the journey's length, I chose my
|
|
right to stretch my legs into the aisle as a specially precocious one
|
|
was thumping by. His tiny toe cap made contact with mine. He took
|
|
flight for a short way and came to land at one with the deck rail. He
|
|
should be enjoying bridgework until well after his A-Levels [a set of
|
|
exams -Ed]. Since he is not supposed to have dealings with women, it
|
|
won't matter, will it?
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE NEWS OF THE WEIRD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: 28 Jun 91 09:30:00 EDT
|
|
From: STEPHANIE R KLEIN <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
|
Subject: NOTW
|
|
|
|
From the chapter "Missed the Point":
|
|
|
|
In De Ridder, Louisiana, J. Douglas Creswell, 51, was sentenced to 25 yrs
|
|
in prison in 1989 for 3 robberies, one of which he had botched by failing
|
|
to cut eye holes in the plastic garbage bag he wore as a disguise, causing
|
|
him to flail away helplessly, delaying his getaway.
|
|
|
|
From "Legislative Thrusts":
|
|
|
|
The city council of Dayton, Kentucky, voted in 1974 to require Xmas
|
|
carolers to obtain permits. The requirement was imposed after one group
|
|
of carolers burned a woman's porch when she refused to donate money.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
YET ANOTHER SPODE SUBMISSION
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Sat, 29 Jun 1991 17:11 HKT
|
|
From: Ed Spodick <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
|
Subject: Another submission!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 28 June 1991
|
|
|
|
_Mindless Game_
|
|
|
|
This is the latest fax-around game in the Hongkong office
|
|
community.
|
|
Photocopy and enlarge the text below (or just type it out) and fax
|
|
it anonymously to whoever you like:
|
|
|
|
DEAR EARTHLING,
|
|
Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself
|
|
into this piece of paper. Right now I am making love to your fingers.
|
|
(I know you like it, because you are smiling.) Please pass me on to
|
|
someone else because I'm feeling *insatiable*.
|
|
Thanks!
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM SPACE ALIENS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
From: timpson@shodha.enet.dec.com (Steve Timpson)
|
|
Subject: Re: Questions about PROTECTION
|
|
Date: 21 Jun 91 13:34:15 GMT
|
|
|
|
-Message-Text-Follows-
|
|
|
|
In article <1991Jun20.210043.21547@pmafire.inel.gov>,
|
|
jeffl@servprod.inel.gov (Jeff Later) writes...
|
|
|
|
>1. IS there ANYTHING one can do to protect himself and his family
|
|
> from becoming victims of an "alien" abduction?
|
|
|
|
Yes. Line your house and underware with aluminum foil. this
|
|
keeps the aliens from scan the inside of you house and underware.
|
|
|
|
>2. Is there ANY kind of "security system" that might work
|
|
> in protecting an individual within the boundaries of his home and auto,
|
|
> or does the possibility of these intruders having
|
|
> "multi-dimension capability" make "barriers" or alarm
|
|
> systems useless?
|
|
|
|
Yes. Line your house and underware with aluminum foil. this
|
|
keeps the aliens from scan the inside of you house and underware.
|
|
|
|
>3. Can, or should conventional weapons, ie- handguns, rifles, shotguns, be
|
|
> considered for protection, or are they useless?
|
|
|
|
Yes. conventional weapons help but Aluminum foil will deflect
|
|
any of there death ray weapons away from you house and wee wee.
|
|
|
|
>4. What about the possibility of other "non-conventional weapons", ie.
|
|
> sonic, optical, laser, electrical etc., for protection? Or are we
|
|
> totally helpless?
|
|
|
|
Aluminum foil man!!! Aluminum foil!!!!
|
|
|
|
>5. Is there ANY way or means one can tell if he or his family or friends
|
|
> have been victims, or have "implants"?
|
|
|
|
A rectal exam might help. You might find your cranium in there.
|
|
|
|
>6. How can one communicate this great danger to family and friends
|
|
> without being given the "nutcase" treatment??
|
|
|
|
It's too late. You are a nut case if you are worried about this
|
|
stuff. Get a life man.
|
|
|
|
>7. Could it be that the single reason our government has kept this information
|
|
> from its people for so long, is that they are totally HELPLESS
|
|
> in protecting us? And that the only "bargaining chip" our government has
|
|
> with the alien intruders is the "loaded gun to the head" type, ie.
|
|
> "if you interfere too much, or invade, we will Nuke ourselves, and you
|
|
> with us"????
|
|
|
|
Man there has to be a smile face around here somewhere. This guy
|
|
can't be for real. I have a question. What planet are you from?
|
|
|
|
>8. Is there ANY hope, or is it in God's hands at this point?
|
|
|
|
Aluminum foil man!!!! Aluminum Foil!!!
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
PORK QUEENS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 01 Jul 91 12:28:36 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: fup fum
|
|
|
|
the following letter to the editor appeared in a recent issue of the
|
|
St. Louis Post-Dispatch. "Pork Queens" are sort of like beauty contests
|
|
or something.
|
|
|
|
I am appalled by the decision of Missouri and Illinois pork producers
|
|
to drop pork queens. Don't they understand that there have been pork
|
|
queens in various forms for millennia? They are living representatives
|
|
of the Earth goddess - who must be honored yearly to assure fertility
|
|
and prosperity.
|
|
I'm afraid that now numbers of piglets per litter will decrease. Hogs
|
|
won't grow as large. Swine flu will wipe out thousands of pigs.
|
|
If it comes to that, only the blood sacrifice of one of the male youth
|
|
ambassadors will turn things around. Do you think the eruption of
|
|
Mount Pinatubo {in the Philippines} is mere coincidence?
|
|
|
|
Henry D. Onken
|
|
St. Louis
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Rev
|
|
uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
|
|
a darker point of light
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE RAVINGS FROM SHARK
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 15:24:52 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: The Vegematic Brain
|
|
|
|
...I had just gotten off this wild ride, my face beating against my
|
|
stomach I knew I was on the right ride, or is that better to say the
|
|
correct ride?
|
|
|
|
I was falling at the speed of 19,000 gigawatts per second, almost like
|
|
being on a waterride with Otis, sliding up and down, on the rails, like
|
|
the trains In England, I'm sure you know the ones, or even if you don't,
|
|
well forget it, just not enough room to explain that one.
|
|
|
|
I had this greek food for lunch, and it piled up and down in my stomach,
|
|
compared to a thick wool quilt just woolie-bullie and ready to shear.
|
|
Sheer joy is what it was. Sheer as black lace stockings, running down
|
|
long thin fins, not wet to the touch, just silky smooth, a touch of satin
|
|
at the top. Touch it, don't forget it, Otis said. I knew what he meant.
|
|
Don't you?
|
|
|
|
This morning I found myself procrastinating, of course I will more later
|
|
tonight, can't right now, I fried my brain on 50 pages of computer
|
|
compilations that left me titillating with extreme joy and a couple of wet
|
|
spots. Then again, I had Otis on the mind, you know how that is, or
|
|
perhaps it was the divine child..she only has two months to go, you know,
|
|
Otisian babies are miracles of joy. (or so said the three wise men, once,
|
|
I forgot when exactly they said it, anyway..) I still don't have this name
|
|
for her, I was thinking about Paradox. A nice two syllable ring, round
|
|
and gingerly sweet, almost too sweet sometimes, but I couldn't name her
|
|
sugar, that would be sour.
|
|
|
|
Every now and then I find myself in these cravings for the child, maybe
|
|
it's her, cause it definitely not the Pope...speaking of the Pope..if I
|
|
may speak, She's MY child, geoffreye! I will not stand for idleness,
|
|
geez, you could have least send me some tulips. And I plan on bringing
|
|
her up in Wisconsin. (so there) (everyone else, just check the next
|
|
paragraph.)
|
|
|
|
Cravings: like slippery wet oysters raw with lemon and hot butter,
|
|
displayed on a white plate with deco bricks, black of course, those
|
|
witchery things baisting in sweet warm water, no ducks, just seafood, like
|
|
the ocean and it's mouths all over the earth, basking in the sensations of
|
|
young youth and matted clams, I wanted to go sailing yesterday, the blue
|
|
and white spinnakers testing me from early on, but the fried eggplant
|
|
brought me back to reality, wonderful calamare with primevera sauce and
|
|
lemon tangy whispers, wonderful.
|
|
|
|
Tis the season of Summerfest, the rich festival network, nothing like
|
|
Joseph Entertainment. I was merry, had a wine cooler, getting the child
|
|
ready for food of the god(s), or at least for some of Mal's inorganic
|
|
cooking. The milk isn't flowing since it's summertime, curds of cheese,
|
|
like refugees stuttering back, shunted growth, I worry for them, wishing I
|
|
could tell more. Holding back the deep succulent smells of burnt brats
|
|
(not children)...if you wanted to try some, I could arrange a X-mas gift,
|
|
I'm sure.)
|
|
|
|
The land of honey and tea, sweet child and me, vegetarian delights and
|
|
seashells of bright aegean glass, shimmerings in two, like wine of
|
|
chardonnay, glistening like unheard of glue, I hate it when that happens
|
|
and the rhythm goes astray.
|
|
|
|
Anyway, the next time I sleep with cabbage, I'm going to bring some
|
|
sauerkraut for all who want to try bratwurst. The leaves just busting my
|
|
brains apart on this hot computer day slang, child jiving in my belly
|
|
(belly of a pr and defense minister) what a thing to tell the future
|
|
husband (well maybe not)... hinhimmering
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
THE CHUCK ENIGMA
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 01:36:52 CDT
|
|
From: Reverend John <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
|
Subject: curious thought
|
|
|
|
just what does this mean anyway
|
|
|
|
How much wood would a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood?
|
|
|
|
damn chucks popping up everywhere.. some sort of unconscious myth
|
|
collective.. wow..
|
|
|
|
rev
|
|
|
|
about to break into his own house
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE WACKINESS FROM HONGKONG
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
_South China Morning Post_ - 1 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_America_ (Asteroid)
|
|
by Jon Marsh (reprinted without permission)
|
|
|
|
US scientists have estimated that the odds of a huge asteroid hitting th
|
|
e
|
|
planet Earth in the next 50 years could be as low as 6,000-1.
|
|
It has been suggested that a couple of nuclear blasts might be able to
|
|
knock the "doomsday rock" off course, should it head our way.
|
|
But some visionaries have come up with a better suggestion - reroute
|
|
the asteroid towards useful targets.
|
|
Suggestions include Hussein's house, John Sununu's limo, Ted Kennedy's
|
|
drinks cabinet.
|
|
|
|
***********
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Ripping Yarns_
|
|
|
|
FOR your summer reading pleasure, two cheery little books will be
|
|
published by the Carol Publishing Group: _The Bedside Book of Death_ and
|
|
_Advanced Backstabbing and Mudslinging Techniques_.
|
|
|
|
************
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_In The Dark_
|
|
|
|
A Hongkong businessman who recently visited Victoria, Australia,
|
|
said that economic problems there were rather serious.
|
|
They have a saying down there: "Due to economic circumstances ...
|
|
the light at the end of the tunnel has been disconnected."
|
|
|
|
************
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 1 July 1991
|
|
|
|
_Rubble Raiser_
|
|
|
|
BOY, are those finance ministers in Mongolia strapped for hard
|
|
currency.
|
|
They have just issued Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble postage
|
|
stamps. The nine-stamp Flintstones Collection is based on characters
|
|
from the children's television cartoon show.
|
|
Stamp production is an easy way for poor countries to attract
|
|
foreign currency with a minimum of investment.
|
|
Would-be collectors, please note: prices range from 25 mungs to
|
|
two tughrik. What? You don't know how much that is?
|
|
Well, 200 mungs equal one tughrik.
|
|
Inquiries may be faxed to the Inter-Governmental Philatelic Corp
|
|
in the United States: 212-629-3350.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MAL SPEAKS PLUS REVELATIONS FROM HUMPY THE STUMPY BEAR
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
[Humpy the Stumpy Bear is still here with me giving out all manner of
|
|
revelations. ]
|
|
|
|
Since the time apparently is rapidly approaching for the birth of at least
|
|
one divine child, it's time to put on our thinking caps and come up with
|
|
some suitable names.
|
|
|
|
Since this is a religious outfit we'll need names that have several
|
|
syllables and mean something like: Yahootie which means in ancient (pick a
|
|
language) "The bringer of strawberry treats".
|
|
|
|
We could probably encourage the creative process printing up some life
|
|
size posters..no make that jumbo size posters of sonar grams of the divine
|
|
children. Hopefully this would give us an accurate picture of the
|
|
child. Normal film probably would not.
|
|
|
|
Hmm maybe we should try kirillian photography as well.
|
|
|
|
This sonar grams can probably be weaving into the Rev's campaign as well.
|
|
Sort of flaunt the no-choice/pro-choice bit along with children's
|
|
education. How can we have an uneducated divine child? How can we have a
|
|
divine child around the presidential campaign for that matter when the
|
|
first lady does not like them?
|
|
|
|
Stumpy has been telling me how to protect myself from hurricanes. It's
|
|
hurricane season now. It seems a simple matter but rather complicated. My
|
|
bosses are also having a big dinner over at their place tonight for the
|
|
conference folks and Stumpy says it would be a good time to test out
|
|
experimental frog toxin or something of that nature.
|
|
|
|
Today is also a good day to make change and buy stamps.
|
|
|
|
Humpy the Stumpy Bear's horoscope for today is:
|
|
|
|
Think not of the treasures of earth but those in heaven. The treasures on
|
|
earth just rust away, while gold stars and good check marks in those great
|
|
divine grade books in the sky can always be a help.
|
|
|
|
Avoid eating squash today for today is not a yellow vegetable day. Look to
|
|
the stars tonight. IF it is cloudy you must perform the ritual of cloud
|
|
dispersion, which Stumpy has already revealed.
|
|
|
|
Any person you meet today over the age of 50 is probably a ghost of some
|
|
manner. Carry plenty of salt with you for emergencies.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mal
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
|
|
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
|
|
barker@acc.fau.edu
|
|
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
VOTER FRAUD
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Date: Sun, 07 Jul 91 01:14:45 -0400
|
|
From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu>
|
|
Subject: TRIX VOTE FRAUD
|
|
|
|
|
|
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE -- WIDEST POSSIBLE DISTRIBUTION REQUESTED
|
|
|
|
SAMUEL HILL CABAL -- A HOLY UNAFFILIATED NONAFFILIATE OF THE DISCORDIAN
|
|
SOCIETY.
|
|
c/o bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu
|
|
|
|
CALL FOR VOTES -- SHOULD TRIX RABBIT BE ALLOWED TO EAT THE CEREAL?
|
|
|
|
Once again, General Mills, a major American foodstuff producer, has
|
|
presented the American public with an opportunity to influence the
|
|
events depicted in its commercials for its "Trix" fruit-flavored
|
|
corn breakfast cereal.
|
|
|
|
BACKGROUND:
|
|
"Trix" brand cereal is represented in the television commercials by
|
|
a friendly animated rabbit, who is forced to attempt various compli-
|
|
cated schemes in order to be allowed to eat the product he (or she)
|
|
represents. Every commercial ends in disappointment for the Rabbit,
|
|
with the (real-time or animated) children saying: "Silly Rabbit!
|
|
Trix are for kids!".
|
|
|
|
This is not the first chance to "vote" to allow the Rabbit access to
|
|
the cereal. There have been several previous votes, all of which
|
|
resulted in the Rabbit being denied the opportunity to eat the cereal.
|
|
None of these votes were properly supervised.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CURRENT SITUATION:
|
|
In a recent commercial, the Rabbit took part in a bicycle race (the
|
|
"Tour de Trix") and won. Rather than award him/her the prize based
|
|
on this accomplishment, General Mills has decided to call upon the
|
|
consumer to determine the Rabbit's fate, by issuing a call for votes
|
|
on the back of the cereal boxes. This vote is open to bias on a
|
|
number of fronts, as follows:
|
|
|
|
a.) There are 'official' ballots provided on the
|
|
back of the cereal box, to be cut out and mailed
|
|
in, but the fine print clearly states that a
|
|
plain piece of paper, 3" x 5" in size may be
|
|
substituted. This opens the vote to ballot-stuffing
|
|
tactics.
|
|
|
|
b.) The voters are self-selected -- those who buy the
|
|
cereal are more likely to vote than those who do
|
|
not purchase the cereal. We also have a situation
|
|
where those voters in a superior financial position
|
|
(with regards to paying for postage), can unfairly
|
|
influence the outcome of the vote.
|
|
|
|
c.) There is no official or unofficial statement on
|
|
exactly who is overseeing the counting of the
|
|
ballots and determining the outcome of the vote.
|
|
This leaves us to assume that General Mills itself
|
|
is overseeing the vote. A company which has showed
|
|
constant prejudice against this Rabbit for so many
|
|
years is hardly the best choice to oversee a vote
|
|
like this.
|
|
|
|
d.) There is no ending date stated for this vote.
|
|
Nowhere on the package are we provided with a
|
|
final date after which votes will no longer
|
|
be accepted, or a date by which a decision will
|
|
be announced.
|
|
|
|
In addition to these condemnations, we should point out that the
|
|
General Mills Corporation has a long history of animal abuse --
|
|
mainly in the psychological area. Can we trust a company like this?
|
|
|
|
ACTION:
|
|
We recommend that all those concerned about General Mills history and
|
|
this vote in particular write to General Mills at the address provided
|
|
for the "Trix Election" or to their General Headquarters. Feel free
|
|
to paraphrase this press release in your letters, and help stop General
|
|
Mills' false vote -- before the Rabbit's psyche is damaged beyond repair.
|
|
|
|
CONTACTS:
|
|
"Trix Election". P.O. Box 5051, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55460.
|
|
|
|
General Mills, Inc., Box 200-BG, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55440.
|
|
|
|
1-800-328-1144, M-F, 7:30 AM - 5 PM, Central Standard Time.
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE FROM SHARK
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 91 23:08:02 CDT
|
|
From: Jeanne B Schreiter <shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
|
|
Subject: From Mars to Dusk
|
|
|
|
|
|
A purps material.
|
|
|
|
|
|
As the night stood shining outside my window, infested with wasps and
|
|
freshly soaked mint tea, I wandered back into the womb, the womb of my
|
|
being, whispering love songs to Mars, it's red, night sky, glistening in
|
|
sweet estascy.
|
|
|
|
Love it, said, Love the child inside and the birth mother from within.
|
|
|
|
This is the way from which you must go in the land of the womb.
|
|
|
|
The soft fluid, waterless, odorless seeping into the flesh, olive coloured
|
|
with intricate webbings, I sung my songs to the womb softly, the child
|
|
stirring within and I talking, but not saying a word to the child. From
|
|
my red full lips the child spoke, whistling Mozart in double time...
|
|
|
|
I will speak to you mother, in languages, as the sea parts and the roses
|
|
bloom, the tulips that you love, veedal sal-la-soon, in the languages that
|
|
Stumpy has wished, in tongues that only have seeded from the seeds sown in
|
|
valleys spawn from ocean dregs and caribou trails, from winter and summer,
|
|
in the arctic meadows in the serious plains of skin, breathing and
|
|
implanted, browned bronzed and fair like the blue sunflowers, their husks
|
|
like suns like the red Mars and Venus greens..Mother say I more, the
|
|
bread, seeds, water majic.
|
|
|
|
My lips were parched with arizona sun, embalmed by peach flavored
|
|
chapstick which I had found lying on the top of the refrigerator, it's
|
|
cold sweet taste, warming my mouth, like a symphony that refused to end,
|
|
the tucks and licks, caressing the inside, dripping succulent icing.
|
|
|
|
His words touched me in places I knew existed not, in favor of the risen
|
|
one far south and east, colder than the south and warmer than the west,
|
|
from JRR Tokien's dream to the wills of Jacques whom I had talked with
|
|
often.
|
|
|
|
The total body. Like the total mind. When you think you know, and you
|
|
don't.When the body falls down and the soul removes itself, the pleasure
|
|
that seeps in from the cracks of your lips forming a psuedo smile, the
|
|
satanic verses that rub you with black pigmentation and linseed oil, the
|
|
souls that burn the saviours...
|
|
|
|
Mother, are you listening to me?
|
|
|
|
Mother.
|
|
|
|
Mother.
|
|
|
|
From the silent sweeping sounds of strawberry poptarts, crumbs
|
|
fastening themselves to the deco tiles, like the mind, complete with
|
|
greying areas.
|
|
|
|
Listening like the waves that swept the floor clean, the urgency
|
|
of the body, consuming the passion, of voices and words not needed
|
|
by the sky, of tastes and feels not needed by the sun, of and unlike
|
|
the waves not needed by the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
|
As I drunk in the mint tea, swilling it around my cheeks, feeling the
|
|
caffeine pored into me, the child kicked, and I responded.
|
|
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
MORE NOTES ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND STUMPY STUFF
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Things to scare the public with:
|
|
|
|
1. Lead contamination in the water is caused by the Brungarians, who wish
|
|
to weaken America's youth with the foul poison so they can win the
|
|
international college quiz bowl.
|
|
|
|
2. The entire hockey league is run by satanists.
|
|
|
|
3. As we speak a giant metal mass is hurtling toward our solar system. No
|
|
one knows with it is, but the American government refuses to speak of such
|
|
things. All government officials are being sized for seats on the
|
|
evacuation saucers.
|
|
|
|
4. Alternative 3 is a reality. People disappear all the time and wind up
|
|
doing slave labor on the moon for the EBE. The government realizes that our
|
|
planet is being poisoned and they are starting to terriform the dark side
|
|
of the moon. [SBI of course has photos to prove this.]
|
|
|
|
5. Nightmare alley exists. If people don't end up in slave labor on the
|
|
moon it's the underground labs in new mexico for them where the EBE's do
|
|
all manner of uspeakable things to people.
|
|
|
|
6. More stupid people are born each year than smart people.
|
|
|
|
7. One religious nut in an important button pushing position could
|
|
start a nuclear war.
|
|
|
|
8. Terrorists drive around in vans containing large electromagnetic pulse
|
|
devices. They aim these devices at computer facilities to disrupt them.
|
|
Disruption can range from loss of phone service, to miss billing, to brown
|
|
outs, to nuclear war.
|
|
|
|
9. The Otisian religions has stayed underground for so long because it
|
|
fears it enemies.
|
|
|
|
10. The masons have been infiltrated by the IRS who are investigating them
|
|
on tax fraud.
|
|
|
|
11. Flying saucers have been seen over many a cocaine factory.
|
|
|
|
12. The earth is hollow. There are entire nations and countries inside.
|
|
They were at one time jealous of all our outside land. Now they are not
|
|
due to pollution, which has begun to slowly seep into their hollow earth.
|
|
THey have plans to stop us which will make the ovens of the Nazi's look
|
|
like a picnic.
|
|
|
|
13. The sole purpose of the pentagon is to conceal and guard a door to
|
|
Shambala.
|
|
|
|
Mal
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
|
|
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
|
|
barker@acc.fau.edu
|
|
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
A RESPONSE TO ONE OF OUR NEW READERS
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
|
|
Smoking dogs?
|
|
Smoking Dobbs?
|
|
|
|
Bob Smokes
|
|
Bob is God
|
|
God spelled backwards is dog
|
|
|
|
|
|
Smoking dogs
|
|
where there's smoke there's fire
|
|
Sun dogs
|
|
star dogs
|
|
Dog star
|
|
|
|
Sirius!
|
|
|
|
God dog=Sirius!
|
|
|
|
God star= PTV
|
|
|
|
Dog star=MBM
|
|
|
|
Dogon tribe
|
|
Barley Sculptures
|
|
|
|
Tibetan barley sculptures.
|
|
|
|
Sun Dog
|
|
Hot Dog
|
|
No hot dog buns!
|
|
|
|
Law of Fives.
|
|
|
|
Eris
|
|
Otis
|
|
Bowling Alley
|
|
|
|
Dobbs and his camera
|
|
|
|
Super 8
|
|
8-1= Number of God
|
|
8-1-1=Number of Man
|
|
Number of Man Number of Man Number of Man = Man trying to be God
|
|
= Man trying to be Dog
|
|
= Man trying to be Dobbs
|
|
= Man trying to Smoke
|
|
|
|
Smoking Dogs
|
|
Hot Feet
|
|
Jokes
|
|
Loki
|
|
Spode!
|
|
|
|
Smoking Dogs
|
|
Cooking Dogs
|
|
Korea!
|
|
Lotus!
|
|
|
|
Smoking Dogs
|
|
Hallucinogenics
|
|
Fropheads!
|
|
|
|
Smoking Dogs
|
|
Barbecue
|
|
Blue Collar Workers
|
|
Brow!
|
|
|
|
Mal
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
|
|
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
|
|
barker@acc.fau.edu
|
|
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
AND STILL MORE CAMPAIGN NOTES
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
More slogans:
|
|
|
|
"We am to stop political corruption by any means necessary including
|
|
bribery and blackmail."
|
|
|
|
"Don't Panic, we only want to to vote for us."
|
|
|
|
"We've come for your vote."
|
|
|
|
"What america needs it to get off it's fat butt and back on it's chucks"
|
|
|
|
"Children are important to american. Each year they generate tons of dirty
|
|
diapers we use for landfill."
|
|
|
|
"We will go to the moon! Or go to hell!"
|
|
|
|
"I'm sick and tired of living in a third rate country"
|
|
|
|
"We only lie to save you anxiety attacks"
|
|
|
|
"I'm a firm believer in military spending. Why without it we can't scare
|
|
other nations with tanks guns and planes."
|
|
|
|
"It's time for america to stop being the worlds policeman and join in on
|
|
all the fun."
|
|
|
|
"If our founding fathers had only warn chucks"
|
|
|
|
"Would you elect a man with a face like that?"
|
|
|
|
"We mean to win Wimbelton"
|
|
|
|
"A presidents job is a hard one. That's why he need some any assistants to
|
|
entertain him."
|
|
|
|
"Only you can prevent forest fires. ONly you can get me elected."
|
|
|
|
"As I stand here before the millions of eyes of america, I'm reminded of a
|
|
joke..<insert joke>"
|
|
|
|
"Is that political corruption or just a freudian slip?"
|
|
|
|
"The white house should be a show place of democracy. We'll always vote on
|
|
which restaurant to go to then we'll go to the one I want"
|
|
|
|
"Let us not worry about terrorist from abroad but terrorists from BEYOND"
|
|
|
|
******
|
|
|
|
The government must set an example for the masses.
|
|
|
|
Each senator and congress men will adopt 100 children a piece as sort of
|
|
grandparents. They will set an example across america on how to raise
|
|
these children. The easiest way to pick these children would to use wards
|
|
of the state and juvenile delinquents since they will already be on
|
|
government records and easy to find.
|
|
|
|
Each senator will be required to behave toward these children the way they
|
|
would behave toward their real children. Invite them into their homes,
|
|
play santa for them, wipe runny nose...that lot.
|
|
|
|
The second form of example the congressmen will server is to conserve
|
|
energy. Each will be required to walk or ride a bike to work. Not only
|
|
will this conserve energy but it will also a) get rid of fat politicians
|
|
who america finds disgusting, b) help improve the crime problem in
|
|
washington. A lone senator on a bicycle will get mugged and shot at and
|
|
stuff so they congress will finally decided to do something about it.
|
|
|
|
Attendance chart for politicians. An attendance chart will be set up for
|
|
all the public to see to show how many time the bozo they voted for
|
|
actually attend all those important meetings they were supposed to
|
|
attend. This chart will be prominently place inside the capital building
|
|
and be published once a well on national t.v. Politicians will be asked to
|
|
explain themselves as to why they did not attend.
|
|
|
|
This procedure should work similar to the ones used in school for
|
|
attendance. If enough politicians don't show up cut their salaries.
|
|
|
|
To encourage science among our young people the president will set up the
|
|
national jet car competition. Each year teens from around the country will
|
|
come to compete and win scholarship money for any school of their choice.
|
|
The president will personally take a spin in the winning jet car even
|
|
thought it may run at over 300 mph.
|
|
|
|
A saturday morning cartoon show similar to Pee Wee Herman will be crated
|
|
staring the president who will have guest politicians on all the time to
|
|
express their views and explain to the views just how politics
|
|
actually work. ALso there should be plenty of mad antics to keep the
|
|
populace amused.
|
|
|
|
A personal phone call from the president. Each night the president will
|
|
randomly dial some citizens home in america and talk to them. This way he
|
|
will get to know his people better.
|
|
|
|
A ferris wheel shall be built on the white house lawn to be used to
|
|
entertain foreign dignitaries. THE president and the visitor can board the
|
|
ferris wheel and have a nice private informal chat.
|
|
|
|
All anti terrorist barriers around the white house will be replaced by
|
|
piles of decoratively colored toilets. This will serve the same function
|
|
as the barriers but are creative and more cheerful. They also illustrate
|
|
many important government ideas and policies.
|
|
|
|
A complete set of cadillacs will be obtains from each year. They shall be
|
|
buried in the front lawn so that they stick up in the air in such a way to
|
|
from a sculpture. THey will be painted in the colors of the visiting
|
|
dignitaries country.
|
|
|
|
The Vice president will be in charge of a fleet of go carts to be used for
|
|
any presidential purpose they deem necessary.
|
|
|
|
Mal
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Mal "Wisdom comes through age or superior
|
|
barker@fauvax.bitnet technology" --Electro the Robot
|
|
barker@acc.fau.edu
|
|
mal@umainecs.bitnet SBI-Submarine Pens ask about our OMC equipment
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
--Subink 1991
|