informis/textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
278a90f7ce
textfiles/magazines/PURPS/purps14
root@procul 278a90f7ce Initial commit
2021-04-15 13:31:59 -05:00

754 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Blame History

[The net's been chocking on Purps lately, probably the DIVINE RETRIBUTION of
OTIS for some LONG FORGOTTEN TRANSGRESSION (or mayber (s)he found out what I did
to the car...) Sorry if this hasn't made it through to you yet... but, as
always, here it is...]
================================================================
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 14
================================================================
"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
*** P P U U R R P P S
***** P P U U R R P P S
******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
********* P U U R R P S
*********** P U U R RR P S
***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
*****
*****
*****
*****
* **** *
*** *** ***
**** * *****
************************************
****************************************
************************************
**** ***** *****
*** ***** ***
* ***** *
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
***********
*********
*******
*****
***
*
________________________________________________________________
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: SERIOUS QUESTIONS!
News: Tours of the GODS!, Won't Melt in Your Hand!
Letters to the Editor: What Spode Does in His Spare Time, The
Royal Vizer of the Cult of the Brown Bucket Speaks!
OTISian Rants: An OTISian Story Submitted by a Faithful Reader,
Top Ten Reasons to Send the IGHF Money, Aardvarks in the Gulf,
MORE!
Other Rants: Tips for a Nuclear Holocaust, What Peter Arnet Does
in His Spare Time, Is Your Co-Worker an Alien, If the USS
Enterprise had Bumper Stickers..., MORE!
LAST WORD: Is the Earth "overdue"?, Has it been disconnected?
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
(Is OTIS an Astronaut?)
Is OTIS an astronaut? Is "Bob" really a Fuller brush
salesman? Did Jesus do his own dry cleaning? How do those
people who claim that the CIA has taken over their mind know this
has happened? If there's "always" room for Jello, where does it
go after your stomach is full? Did I REALLY see a seat on the
subway which said "this seat reserved for the elderly", next to a
seat which said "this seat reserved for a handicapped person",
next to two separate seats which both said "this seat reserved
for a person suffering from schizophrenia", or was I just
hallucinating? Is it true that a Professor here recently asked
for a paper written on "all" sides of a piece of paper? Why are
hot water faucets always on the left? Do Yaks feel pain? Why
did certain people on this campus get more condoms than others
during the recent anti-aids promotion and on what facts was this
decision based (and, not that I'm complaining, but 12!)?
We Popes have to ask ourselves questions like this every
day. Mostly the answers never come. This issue, however, OTIS
has apparently decided to bless me (perhaps even forgiving the
minor, really, damage I recently did to his/her car) by giving me
the answer to another question which has been bothering me
recently: why is it that people on the Purps mailing list so
steadfastly refuse to write for this magazine? Apparently the
question is moot, for this issue they have.
We have at least six (possibly seven, pardon me while I fan
the small fire I lit under Dave Zecchin) submissions from our
member list this time around, and, frankly, that makes me PROUD.
For one thing, I don't need to do any work (HAIL
OTIS!!!!!!!). For another, it's nice to hear from you all. And
finally, if the quality's low this time, YOU are to blame.
With that strongly in mind, THANKS!
Now, enjoy.
PJ
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF
WE HAVE A NEW OPTION AT THE INESTIMATABLE PURPS ARCHIVES! NOW! Type "7"
to read news about the war. @[stevensj]Purps.arh, in case you forgot.
Tempting the Jaws of Fate:
CHAIN LETTERS ARE STRICTLY AGAINST INTERNET AND ICS POLICY!
Pass it on...!
OTISIAN NEWS
THE PARTY was real great even if you missed it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
PHHHHHHFFFFFTTTTTTTTT! NAYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHNNNNNNNNHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
(what, you expected, maybe, a mature Pope?)
OTHER NEWS
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
South China Morning Post - 4 February 1991
_High Risk Holiday with a Touch of Madness_
Ukranian authorities are offering Soviet and foreign tourists a new
hot ticket - a tour of the radioactive contamination zone around the
Chernobyl reactor that blew up in 1986.
All trips begin and end with Geiger counter tests to check the
visitors' exposure to radiation.
If treatment at a radiological medical center is needed, it will be
provided "at no extra charge", the newspaper _Komsomolskaya Pravda_
reported.
The itinerary planned by a Soviet tour company, Kievturist, will
include the "dead city" of Chernobyl, a radioactive waste dump at Kopachi
and the concrete "sarcophagus" built around the blown-up reactor.
[lots of background stuff left out]
There is a national programme to resettle the workers who live in
radiated areas, improve their medical care and constantly provide them
with "clean food".
Each family is given a stipend of about 30 rubles a month (about
[US$50]) so that they can afford the "clean food".
The cash payment has become known as "coffin money".
And according to _Komsomolskaya Pravda_, Ukrainians often say that
in
Slavutich, "life is good, but short".
-Associated Press-
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
South China Morning Post - 2 February 1991
Fillmore, California: A 13-year-old boy has been arrested for
allegedly assaulting his mother - by throwing the family's
tiny Chihuahua at her.
The boy was held at the Ventura county jail.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
_ Lai See _ - South China Morning Post - 17 January 1991
Soldiers in the Persian Gulf are being issued Hershey chocolate
bars. And not just any chocolate - these are hi-tech "Desert Bars,"
which the Hershey Food Corp. says will not become a gooey mess in
temperatures of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.
Not many people know that the little multi-coloured chocolate
drops known as M&M's (Smarties in Britain) were originally developed
by Mars Inc. as strategic candy for military use during World War II.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>"
I thought you might be interested in some truly strange titles of officers
in an organization of which I am a member:
Devil's Advocate
Officer In Charge of Corrupting the Innocent Youth of Western
Massachusetts
The Royal Lemming CPR Specialist
Officer In Charge of Bi-cycling and patron Saint of Lycra
Scary Big Sister In Charge of Ambiguity, Non-Sequiturs and Silly Faces
Surrealist Zookeeper
and the longest one:
Son of Karl the Killer Koosh, king of Kooshkala, karrier of the
kataklysmik (No, kataklysmik not kataklismic) spirit of Kali, kapturer of
the Kalif of Koosharbia, Sam bin Koosh-koosh, Keeper of the Kooshkalan
Kamasutra, Kaptain of the Kapital Guard of Kooshkala and Kaptain of the
Kooshkalan Airkraft Karrier, the Kolumbus
-SPODE!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 5-FEB-1991 23:25:08.48
Subj: The bi-line of the brown bucket aproacheth
In the name of his most royal high-ness, the grand vizier of the cult of the
brown bucket, I his meek scribe endite this 'lectric letter to thee oh great
birthday otis pope one of shortness with large, large soul:
We must commend our brother/sister faith in his/her continual growth, might
I say explosion on this here mountain. I must now comment on several things
that have appeared in this most glorious 13th edition of the ptbos.
First of all 13 is a very lucky number for those of us in the truest faith
of the brown bucket for it represents all that is most perfect in its quite
roundness: Judas, Fridays, a backer's dozen, usual number of hours of an
acid triptic and so on . . . you could think of many more WE are sure.
Next: the great wisdom of the brown bucket has revealed that Saint Claus is
not, We at once repeat, NOT a Satanist. The uneducated boor who suggested
such a thing is definitely on our list of heretics, and no that is not an
honor no matter what that jesu freak scott thinks/believes. We are deeply
offended, and I think many self respecting practitioners will be also, by
the implication that magic is in the province of Satan, who is usually
considered as Evil, bad and so on.
Magic, if you take the time you dolt to study it, is not a product of Satan,
but the Christian Church, in its great insecurity, defined it arbitrarily as
such in order to maintain power, control etc. over the various sects
evolving at this time in history, ie Late Antiquity. If you have any
questions our most royal high-ness would be glad to educate you.
The shit list brought many belly laughs to his most royal vizier, and
presently the Grand Council is Considering including portions of it in the
most holy of holies the Book of the Brown Bucket. WE have advised the Pope
Jephie that he is free to share the outer secrets of the most holy creed,
for yes, we have proof that the Pope was present at the epiphany shrine in
the large city of Landon on the auspicious day. All those looking for the
truest faith, and the surest way of avoiding those troublesome mailing lists
and credit cards shall stay tuned for further revelations. Well
Happy Birthday oh great Pope and we hope the Party leaves a smile on your
most holy visage and a bad taste in your mouth
This has been a message from his most holy sacredness
the Grand Vizier of the Cult of the
BROWN BUCKET
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::HAMRICK 9-FEB-1991 20:10:42.22
Subj: His most holiness' proclamation of the truth.
To the Most Holy Papal Body,
We, seeing in our unique fashion, have hoped that our present
has received your highness upon his birthday. We do hope that the browness
does indeed meet with your approval. We also thank you for allowing the
commander of your secret police to "rant" and present you with the gift.
We have received reports from our numerous informants that the
representative brown bucket was indeed 'abused' as was It's intention. Even
now the energy of the bucket is undermining the faith of those who were
drawn to its sacred power. We must continue to discuss the implications of
your eminence's fortunate presence at the time of the Sighting. It is of
interest that the bucket at the party was said to have contained "only
leaves" as ranted by the Screaming Prophet otherwise known as the Minister
of Slack. We do know that there were no ritual leaves placed in the bucket,
so we wonder if the heretic had a brief vision our his mind was forcing to
speak the truth of the browness? We must discuss this with your
graciousness. I am troubled by the reports I am receiving that the bulk of
the "rants" were styled after the christian heresy and its ranting.
We must discuss this further. And for now, let me wish you another year
of Otisian chaos and frivolity. I would like to become more familiar with
the Otisian calendar of holy days and such.
We must remember to think Brown
scribe to his most righteousness T. G. V.
The Brown Scholar
----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
----------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
[This Week, A Stray OTISian Babbles, Good Reasons to Send Us Money!,
Aardvarks in the Gulf; A forgotten Story, MORE!]
From: VAX001::WINS%"<UC521832@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU>" 14-FEB-1991
19:38:48.95
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: OTISian rant
My Voyage Into The Netherworld
or,
how I learned to stop worrying and SPODE
Foggy synapses and repeated self-inflicted blows to the head have left
my memory of the following somewhat hazy and chaotic, but that's not
necessarily a bad thing.
From what I can piece together, I was taking a walk on campus, heading
for the local arcade to exorcise the rising hostility curve I had been
on all morning. Earlier I had come a little too close to throwing a punch
at a sorority girl in the computer lab I work at, and finally ended kicking
a wall panel and knocking out power to a bank of lights. Something told
me to fix this, quick, before anything important happened.
Passing an alley, I stopped, feeling a strange pressure on my mind. I
turned to look and not ten feet away I saw a tattered, filthy man
crawling out of a dumpster. My first reaction was to take a step back,
and then reach into my pocket for some change or something. But the
raggedy man had different intentions that what I surmised.
"Hail OTIS," he cackled, his beard stubble rippling like shag carpet
with every syllable. My hand came partway out of my pocket, spilling
nickels and pennies onto the cement.
The man's eyes gleamed and in a flash he had scrambled over and
scooped up the change. "Hail OTIS, benefactor of scum," he cried
gleefully, "there's a cuppa java for me after all."
By this time I had assimilated what had been going on, and realized
that I had put my best foot forward into something brown and smelly.
Privately, I was amazed that this weirdness had entered my life so
soon after first reading PURPS. The SubG's had taken several weeks
longer to kick in.
The man straightened up, a gleeful grin coming from his pocked and
pitted lips. "Gotta job for ya, Rev, quick & simple. Or so SPODE
says."
"A job? For SPODE? Right, sure, Malaclypse still owes me for the
Shanghai operation, and now this?"
A sly look came into his eyes. "Expense account," he said in a voice
that promised ritzy hotels and free blintzes, "SPODE's given the
go-ahead to offer you an expense account. One mission only, though."
Expense account. The concept rattled around inside my brain. SPODE
was going to pay for this one? I knew I had to be careful. I'd already
lost twenty-three cents in pocket change, and where there's SPODE
there's ire.
What the hell. "Alright, I'll try it. What's the job? Selling GRIT?"
"Nope, nothin' that tough. You just gotta do a little delivery."
"Where to?"
He glanced around to make sure no one was close by, though his oozing
body odor had already taken that precaution.
"Hell," he said, with a quickness that suggested snappy metaphors.
---------------------------------
Some time went by. Things were blurry. I don't know what happened.
---------------------------------
When I came to, I was standing there with the raggedy man on the street.
My fugue had lasted perhaps half a second. I decided it was a bad omen.
"Hell? Doesn't exist. "Bob" foreclosed on the property years ago."
"I know that," the man snapped, "but it's back in business now, and
we need to know why."
"Hell exists again? But that means..."
He nodded, and our eyes rolled heavenwards.
"I seen three flocks o' cherubim since breakfast. God has phased back into
existence and he's taking up his old haunts."
"Christ!" I exclaimed, and then wished I hadn't. "We gotta get rid of him
again, this won't do."
"That's where you come in. Hell is where this all started. Get down there
and check it out."
This one I had to think over. Even with an expense account, I wasn't sure it
was worth it.
Finally, I decided.
"Fuck off," I said, and he did.
THE END
But two days later he came back with SPODE itself. Amazingly, I was still
standing on the same sidewalk, a block away from the arcade. I was very
tired.
"Changed your mind?" asked the conehead of confusion.
"Yes." I croaked, in the beginning stages of dehydration.
"Cool deal. Now get busy--or we'll all be up on blasphemy charges in a
week."
TO BE CONTINUED
RevJohn uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
uc521832@umcvmb.bitnet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-From: VAX001::WINS%"M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk" 12-FEB-1991 17:08:16.82
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Karen's sick, so here it is.
TEN REASONS TO GIVE THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES MONEY.
1)Surprise may send Jeffe into deep coma, thus fending off eventual collapse
of western civilization.
2)A fine way of getting back at heretical cults run by people you're ticked
at.
3)Jeffe has worked out this scam so you can deduct the money as a charitable
donation.
4)If you need it later, you can always say it was a loan.
5)You will automatically be entered in the IGHF Super Sweepstakes, with
piles of delightful prizes, including the Grand First Prize, a week's
vacation in scenic Williamstown, MA!! (Second Prize is two week's vacation).
6)What if Jeffe's friend Tim was serious about your kneecaps?
7)You'll never wonder whether they're squandering your money or not.
8)The FBI probably won't care.
9)Frankly, their shameless begging is disgusting. Maybe now they'll shut up
and go away.
10)Oh, yeah, like you're REALLY going to be doing anything with those
pennies anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk" 4-FEB-1991 15:27:58.16
As otis may have mentioned to you, I have been rather ill this past week,
and I was extremely fortunate to have my boredom staved off by some
concerned friends (a new experience, to be sure), some Tom Sharpe, some P.D.
James, and some curious letters from home. As I know you have little
interest in my decadent homelife (yes, the baseball DID get the message
across) I'll spare you that. However, there was also an article my mother
had clipped from the local daily, the Lawrence Eagle Tribune. It consisted
largely of an interview, reprinted from some unknown source, with the
eminent ecolofigist, Dr. Julius Radbanger, and concerned his plan to deal
with the oil spill in the Gulf.
INTERVIEWER:
So, Dr. Radbanger, your work in the study of the American aardvark
problem is well known, by why do you wish to deploy them to Persian Gulf.
DR. RADBANGER:
Well, Dude, it's like this. Aardvarks can and will suck up anything,
and they totally thrive in desert conditions.
INTERVIEWER:
Dr. Radbanger, surely you are aware that aardvarks will only suck up
ants and other small insects through their remarkable, I believe in fact
you once described them at a world wildlife conference as "bitchin!", noses.
Even setting aside the extreme toxicity and indigestibility of unprocessed
heavy crude oil, surely bacteria would be more efficient, given their higher
rates of reproduction?
DR. RADBANGER:
Oh, man, you don't know anything about aardvarks. Reproduction is
exactly where my idea really begins to look cool. See, aardvarks begin to
mate about a week before birth,
INTERVIEWER:
They mate in the womb?????
DR. RADBANGER:
Well, it's mostly practice. Actual reproduction usually doesn't begin
until about four or five minutes after birth
INTERVIEWER:
Four or five minutes?
DR. RADBANGER:
Uh, huh, and then it continues more or less continually until 3 weeks
after it's dead.
INTERVIEWER:
They mate after death? How can they possibly mate three weeks after
they have died??
DR. RADBANGER:
Force of habit, dude. Aardvarks a driven by habits: sexual habits,
eating habits, drug habits, you should see what nun's habits do to them,
man, wow! (laughs)
INTERVIEWER:
I see. Is this preposterous theory why you're famous?
DR. RADBANGER:
Yeah, pretty much. It's true, though. I got videos, they're real
popular at parties. See the dead aardvarks just do
(damn bbc technology!) go on doing whatever they
habitually did when they were alive; you know, going to the Pirates Cove,
sleeping through lectures, getting smashed at parties and having lots of
sex. I guess the only reason they stop is that after about 3 weeks of this,
they just collapse and stop moving out of sheer boredom. Nothings as much
fun when you're dead, you dig?
INTERVIEWER:
I still don't see how any of this helps with the oil.
DR. RADBANGER:
Well, ok. Since the aardvarks are bumpin away so much, they need a lot
of energy, and high calorie crude oil should be just the thing. Their
numbers will skyrocket, and they'll suck up oil like crazy, and before you
know it, the desert will be clear of oil. Don't say it! I know what you
wanna know: how do we control the aardvarks afterwards? Well, Dude, with
the US army out there, you've got the best aardvark population control
systems in the world right there, you know?
INTERVIEWER:
Actually, I just wanted to point out that your preposterous little idea
has the additional problem of the oil being out to sea, and not in the
desert.
DR. RADBANGER:
Oh. Perhaps we
could teach them to surf.... [sounds of violent
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
From: VAX001::ZECCHIN "HPHEN OP ON HOPHFENUM ADPETICUS"
From: VAX001::GREGORY "Can you say 7.5? --Thrash"
Subj: take THAT!
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb;
use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the
ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary
due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-Day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mr@cica.cica.indiana.edu (Michael Regoli)
Newsgroups: alt.desert-storm,alt.desert-shield
Subject: Top Ten Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun
Organization: Center for Innov. Comp. Appl., Bloomington, IN
Top Ten Things
Peter Arnett Does for Fun [*]
---------------------------------
10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever.
9. Each day tries a new falafel place for lunch.
8. Two words: veil chasing.
7. Daily letters to Jodi Foster.
6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly
phoning and asking if "Shlomo" is there.
5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors.
4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes
in his frequent flyer miles from Eastern Airlines.
3. Nude volleyball with Iraqi Republican Guards.
2. Put speakers outside hotel windows and blasts
"Born in the U.S.A."
And the number one thing Peter Arnett does for fun:
1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer.
[*] Late Night with David Letterman, 06 February 1991.
--
michael regoli
mr@cica.cica.indiana.edu
regoli@iubacs.bitnet
...rutgers!iuvax!cica!mr
...levity: it's a dirty job...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"<R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.EDU>"
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
-----------------------------------------------
10. "Our other starship separates into 2 pieces!"
9. "No GREEN chicks!"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a WEE-bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
From: tfabian@mars.lerc.nasa.gov (Teddy Fabian)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
Subject: Re: Is your Coworker an Alien? Find Out!
by popular request, (since I saved it when it last appeared..)
taken from the original message identified as:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In article <1991Jan11.144708.1043@ducvax.auburn.edu> you write:
>Here is an exert from a friends mail file from last year
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can
>tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer")
>
>Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -
>but you can spot these visitors byy looking for certain
>tip-offs, say experts.
>
>They listed 10 signs to watch for:
>
>1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully
>understand the different styles, so they wear combinations
>that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped
>shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted
>Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
>
>2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might
>eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of
>pills, the experts say.
>
>3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
>earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film
>or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
>
>4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra
>time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton,
>a theoretical biologist and futurist.
>
>5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly
>gathering information." said Steiger.
>
>6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid
>to paint its nails," said Steiger.
>
>7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens
>who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that
>seem stupid, Easton said.
>
>"For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on
>the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
>
>8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
>discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or
>on weekends," said Steiger.
>
>9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to
>speaking as we do,so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
>
>10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
>high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a
>microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out
>that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these
>traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
Subject: Who killed Bruce Lee?
Message-ID: <8196@davidsys.com>
Date: 12 Feb 91 10:45:08 GMT
Organization: DAVID Systems Inc, Sunnyvale CA
Lines: 27
If you are tired of the regular topics in this
section, how about this one:
WHO MURDERED BRUCE LEE?
1. Was it Bruce's Wing Chun teacher Yip Man,
who had told Bruce not to teach it to "outsiders"?
2. Was it Bruce's (movie) director Lo Wei, with whom
Bruce had arguments on the set of "Big Boss"?
3. Was it Bob Wall, with whom Bruce had arguments
on the set of "Enter the Dragon"?
4. Was it the CIA, who did not want a third world
hero to dominate the popular media at that time?
5. Was it David Carradine, who might have thought
that Bruce was a hinderance in his own
"kung-fu" career? Think of where David Carradine
would have been if there was no Bruce to begin with.
6. Was it Run Run Shaw, the HK producer whom
Bruce rejected in favor of Golden Harvest productions?
7. ??????
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
==============
LAST WORD!
==============
From: zzassgl@mccuts.mcc.ac.uk (Geoff Lane)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
Subject: Final Warning
Message-ID: <2331@mccuts.uts.mcc.ac.uk>
Date: 11 Feb 91 13:40:12 GMT
Sender: zzassgl@uts.mcc.ac.uk
Organization: Manchester Computing Center, Manchester, UK
F I N A L W A R N I N G
Your planet is overdue. Please return it to the library immediately.
The fine is currently 26 Gcredits and will increase by 2 Gcredits for
each additional eon you retain it.
%EfyubNLJKYUyi
Galatic Central Library Droid
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-[But Wait!]
From: eric@wdl47.wdl.loral.com (Eric Kuhnen)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
Subject: Re: Final Warning
Message-ID: <1991Feb14.163804.5073@wdl1.wdl.loral.com>
Date: 14 Feb 91 16:38:04 GMT
References: <2331@mccuts.uts.mcc.ac.uk>
Sender: news@wdl1.wdl.loral.com
Organization: LORAL Western Development Labs
I'm sorry. The planet you have reached, 976-ERTH, is no longer in service.
The new number is 555-KLOB. Please make a note of it.
"Q"
_______________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 14
---------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink