526 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
526 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
From: VAX001::STEVENSJ "No Place for a Pope..." 4-DEC-1990 20:52:21.51
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To: @THE_PURPLE_THUNDERBOLT_OF_SPODE
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CC:
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Subj: PURPS 9
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================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 9
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================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: VAX004::PURPS
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Electronic Magazine" "purps%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction: The Pope Rants About New Members and the Upcoming
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"Golden 11th" issue of Purps!
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News: Attacks on the Freedom to Learn, The Dangers of Wham! and
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Pizza, Man Bites Dog, More!
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OTISian Rants: The Last Bnqut of the God/esse/s instalment before
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Christmas!, The Existence of Santa Claus, PROVED!
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Other Rants: An Erisian Rant About Daemons!, Scott Simpson gets
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the Last Word!, A Brief Spell to Enhance Your Life!
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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(Never Pet a Burning Dog)
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Welcome to the Purple Thunderbolt of Spode, the internet's
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only non-alien run magazine, and a tome almost solely to the
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nifty, strange and bizarre things of this and other worlds. As
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you can see from the header, we are just one magazine away from
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the coveted double digits. That's right, kids, next magazine we
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will turn "10". I expect nothing particularly fantastic to
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happen then, but I will start now by calling for submissions for
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our "Golden 11th" magazine, which will be a 20ish page long
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celebration o
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f Purps. (We're extremely limber here and patting our own back is
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not beyond us). Anyone who feels compelled to write in and tell
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us what (s)he thinks of this magazine is more than welcome to do
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so. I promise to reprint the most interesting letters, and
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reserve the right to take what you say completely out of context
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or distort it all out of proportion. (We don't NEED you to write
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in, mind you. We can forge letters of unadulterated praise from
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respectful and greatfull readers at the rate of about two a
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minute. Still it might be nice to know what you really think...)
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Welcome (an old refrain at this point) to all our new
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members. There are a few of them this time around, and we've
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also (sniff!) almost lost one of our company. I say "almost"
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because, after receiving a mail message saying "Take me OFF
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Purps", I inadvertently deleted it (Hail Spode) and can't quite
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remember who it was from, which means that someone who doesn't
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want it is still getting this magazine. If you are that person,
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PLEASE send a mail message and accept my most sincere apologies.
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(It won't be necessary to run over my dog or anything. Really).
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The changes have prompted me to print once again the official
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Purps mailing list at the end of this document.
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For the virgins, welcome, once again, to Purps. You have
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now left "normal" society and are in a place FAR FAR away.
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Escape can only be accomplished by clicking your ruby red
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slippers together and saying "There's no place like home" over
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and over again until you find yourself back in Kansas, or by
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sending a message to Purps at the address above saying "Let me
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OFF". Hopefully, 'though, escape won't be necessary, and you
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will enjoy the sick, strange, twisted version of reality
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presented in the attached for
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many, many issues to come.
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Finally, there have been some bizarre technical changes on
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this end. Specifically Vax004, where Purps once proudly
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resigned, has been made "transparent". This is not, hail OTIS,
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the same as "invisible" or "vaporized", so we still exist.
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Accessing the Archives and sending mail be intermittent for a
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while, though. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF-- This is getting to be a predictable plea, but the
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Purps.ARcHives are growing rapidly. I wish I could let you take
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them home with you. We have a whole new section, now, solely
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dedicated to conspiracy theory, and I've added over 50 (GASP!)
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files since last we talked. So, ONE MORE TIME, here's how you
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can get at the Net's strangest amalgamation of text files:!
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KENYON PEOPLE need only to Type @[STEVENSJ]Purps.arh at the $
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prompt, and hit "5" for a new file list, after the program has
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run. You then know the names of LOTS of nifty text files to
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read, copy, print, etc.
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INTERNET PEOPLE are somewhat out of luck until I get an anonymous
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FTP site of my very own. This event will most likely be preceded
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by bizarre climatic changes, including Hell freezing over. UNTIL
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THEN: SEND A MAIL MESSAGE TO THE PURPS ACCOUNT (address at the
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top of this message) asking for a copy of "Purps.essential", the
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Archive's index file. Then, send another message asking for any
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particular files. That's the best we can do. Sorry.
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PURPS is now available via anonymous FTP. FTP on over to
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quartz.rutgers.edu and much around in the M00se directory. We're
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at the bottom (where, I have now been told, we BELONG). The bad
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news for you VAXen is that it's all Unix.Z compressed over there.
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If you want them as just plain text files, drop a note to the
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Purps address in the header of this magazine.
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OTISIAN NEWS
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[Reply-To: SKEPTIC Discussion Group
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<SKEPTIC%YORKVM1.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>]
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[From: Gary Stone <74435.1756%COMPUSERVE.COM@uga.cc.uga.edu>]
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People For the American Way have just released their annual
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report on
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school censorship and creationist agitation:
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ATTACKS ON THE FREEDOM TO LEARN, 1989-1990
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$10.95 ($8.95 members)
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may be ordered from
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People for the American Way
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2000 M St, N.W. Suite 400
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Washington, D.C. 20036
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(202) 467-4999
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In this year's report they pay particular attention to claims by
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Far Right Fundamentalist that the K-6 reading series,
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"IMPRESSIONS",(by
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Holt Rinehart and Winston, now owned by Harcourt, Brace
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Jovanovich) has"overtones of witchcraft, mysticism and fantasy"
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and "persistent themes of rebellion against parents and
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authority".
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The series is said to contain stories , poems, and literary
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excerpts, including pieces from Martin Luther King, Jr., C.S.
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Lewis, and Laura Ingalls Wilder.
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Well, once my Liberal knee stopped jerking to the words "Far
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Right Fundamentalists", and I read some of the fundamentalists
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charges about New Age and Satanic content in IMPRESSIONS cited in
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the People For Report, I began to wonder if I shouldn't check
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this out myself (which I'm going to do by checking with my local
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elementary school principal):
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(Quotes from literature distributed by Christian Educators
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Association International):
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"The Impressions Series appears to promote New Age and witchcraft
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religious philosophy. Teachers are instructed to divide the class
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into small groups and have the students write spells and cast
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them; read and write chants and chant them; light candles in the
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classroom....
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...The Impressions series is a breeding ground for the occult,
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involving ritual activity such as chants, spells, lighting
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candles in a circle and fortune telling...activity consistent
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with witchcraft or the Wicca religion.
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...On Page 55 of 2d grade teacher anthology, it reads in part,
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"Where ever there is hunger and sickness it is because the
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spirits of the dead are unhappy" This thinking is common in the
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occult...
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END of QUOTES
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Unless these quotes are very out of context or just plain wrong
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(not totally improbable considering their intended purpose -- to
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arouse the masses to action), I began to wonder whether such
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California-Style New Age activities (if they are in fact part and
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parcel of the Impression series, which remains unconfirmed),
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whether such activities have a legitimate role in K-6 Education.
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Is K-6 the same "Open Forum of Ideas" that we demand in
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Universities or even progressive High Schools. Is there any
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material that even SKEPTICs would consider "inappropriate" for
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inclusion in K-6 educational programs?
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To read "Attacks on the Freedom to Learn", one might come away
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thinking that opposition by "Far Right Fundamentalists" to
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superstitious New Age influences in K-6, ipso facto, must be
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considered Censorship.
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I wonder.
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OTHER NEWS
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A couple from Berlin Heights, Ohio, filed a $125,000 lawsuit against a pizza
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company, claiming a "spoiled, rotten, rancid & moldy" pizza caused the death
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of their dog Fluffy. Their lawyer said the couple "became violently ill
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after eating a small quantity of the pizza. Then they became severely
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distressed in their search for medical assistance and ran over Fluffy in the
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driveway."
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============================================================================
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A Concord, California, woman sued the International House of Pancakes
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restaurant near her home for not participating in IHOP's natinal "Sweet 16"
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breakfast special. She alleged a "burning in the stomach from hunger" and
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severe emotional distress, humiliation, and disappointment-- to the tune of
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$2 billion.
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===========================================================================
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In Pensacola, Florida, a veterinarian was sentenced to 2 years' probation
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after pleading no contest to charges of animal cruelty. He was accused of
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biting a dog on the nose.
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============================================================================
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A former bank manager admitted administering spankings to more than 50
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customers of a Pittsburgh bank in the late 1970s as punishment for falling
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behind on their loan payments. "I never had any trouble with them
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afterwards," he said. He was later found guilty of misappropriating $88,268
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in bank funds. He told the court he was forced to use the $ to make
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unrecorded loans when 6 of those who were spanked threatened to report his
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actions to his superiors.
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============================================================================
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A substitute teacher in Indianapolis rewarded the well-behaved pupils in her
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5th grade class by having them line up & spit on the bad ones.
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[KWALITY Amarican education!]
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============================================================================
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Gordon Pickrell of Kingston, Tennessee, who was pinned under his wrecked
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sports car for 6 hours with a broken arm, said the worst part of his ordeal
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was having to listen to the British group Wham! playing on his tape recorder
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the whole time. "I never want to hear it again," the teenager told Roane
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County deputies who pulled him from the overturned car. "I swear I don't."
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-------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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-------------------------------
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
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revealed!)
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THIS WEEK: THE LAST BNQUT OF THE GOD(ESSE)S BEFORE X-MAS!
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(More Rantings of Bill, the Guy with One Perfectly Good Arm)
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"I los it", said Bill as we sat in a corner surouned by empty plastic
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punch glasses watching Eris and Lotus continue their perpetual neck, "Right
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after we bombed. I had been kept under ground- prisoner, you see- but after
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it happened I found my way up. City was a mess. They didn't expect it, I
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guess. Free city, lot's of prisoners."
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I had the distinct but weak feeling through my drunken haze that, after
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several hours of mindless rambling made endurable only by the alcohol, Bill
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was starting to say something important. I was, however, distinctly
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enjoying the spectacle before me so I while I was able to focus my attention
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on Bill, I couldn't quite muster the energy to turn my head.
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"Ss Frees sity?" I said.
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"They did it anyway. I remember all these people on the street.
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Wandering you know. Lots of beggars. A lot were rather spiffy. Really
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well dressed, wandering in their best clothes in and out of the piles of
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rubble.
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"Disasters" he looked at me steadily "have really lousy timing.
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"I walked down this side alley. Everyone had begun to, you know, look at
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me a little harder. I think the shock was wearing off. Slowly the krauts
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were figuring that I was supposed to be a prisoner. The alley seems a good
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place to be. But there's this woman at the end. Old woman.
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"She was sorrta picking through the rubble. Looking for something, I
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guess. She had made this pile of rocks and was adding to it. There was all
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sorts of stuff in the pile, pieces of a piano, the remains of a couch, what
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looked like a broken picture frame. She was working real quick and quiet,
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you know? She looked sort of like a robot, moving through the bricks and
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the rubble. I turned around and started to walk away but then she stopped
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me. Caramel?"
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"You said you didn't sshave any."
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"Didn't say I had any, I was narrating."
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"Oh."
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"You interested?"
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"Sshure."
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"Good. 'Carmel?' she says again---"
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"OH!" I smiled brightly.
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"Mmmm. I had gotten my hands on some a few days before I was captured,
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and had used a lot of it to bribe the krauts who were guarding us. I got a
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lot out of them, that way. Little things, like cigarettes and quiet nights.
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I reached into the lining and pulled out another piece. It was a little
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cold, but I handed it to her anyway. And this was the strange thing, it was
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only then that she stopped working, to take it from me. She shoved it in
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her mouth, then, all mechanical again, she went back to the ro
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cks.
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I watched her for a while, not thinking very clearly, cause I should have
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been running, but it was fascinating, you know, watching this woman pick up
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what was left, putting all the scraps into a little neat pile. After a
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while I think she said thanks. I don't speak German well, but I think
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that's what she said. Hell she might not even have been asking for
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caramel."
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I laughed.
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"Mmmm." He said again "It was a few minutes after that the krauts came. I
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bolted for it, but one took out his luger and put a hole in this arm. The
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pain struck me so much I almost stopped moving. Then he grabbed me.
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Twisted the wounded arm around right back and up to the neck. His partner
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stared at me the whole time with his gun drawn. I swear if I had bolted he
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would have shot. As they dragged me away he paused and looked at the
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rubble. Then he kicked it and looked at me again, and kicked it again
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, and put his gun away. That was when she said it."
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"Said what?" I asked.
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"I'm not sure. As I said I don't speak German well."
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"Oh", I said after a long pause.
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"I think it was 'I found it', though, and I turned, and I looked, and she
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was holding this half-torn photograph of her and this well dressed man. And
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she turned around and sat down and started to cry. They didn't speak after
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that; they just dragged me away."
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He paused.
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"Later, when they weren't looking, I fed the caramels to a dog."
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AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK. NEXT TIME WE PROMISE NOT TO BE SO
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PRETENTIOUS.
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SEE YOU AFTER X-MAS
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: VAX001::KLEINSR "I spent 4 years prostrate to a higher mind, got
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my paper, and I was free-- Indigo Girls" 13-NOV-1990 19:06:36.63
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I thought you might find this interesting... possible material for Purps.
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Could you add this friend o' mine to the magazine circulation? I think he'd
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be a great addition; I'm not sure how you go about choosing the honored
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recipients of the magazine.
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==============================================
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From: VAX001::WINS%"<R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.EDU>" 13-NOV-1990
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FIVE PROOFS FOR THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS
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[SUMMA CONTRA SCROOGICA]
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Question 2, Article 3: Whether Santa Claus exists?
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We proceed thus to the third article (of discussion): it seems
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that Santa Claus does not exist.
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Objection # 1: Presents may be given to us by the good elves, and
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so there is no need for Santa Claus.
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Objection # 2: If Santa Claus existed, there would be no chimneys
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too narrow for him. But there are chimneys too narrow for him,
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and sometimes none at all. So Santa Claus does not exist.
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ON THE CONTRARY: Kay Starr says 'I saw Mommy kissing Santa
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Claus'.
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I ANSWER THAT the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five
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ways.
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The first and most manifest way is the argument from
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Christmas trees. It is certain and evident to our senses that
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some things in this world are Christmas trees. Now no fir becomes
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a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to be trimmed means
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that one receives an ornament. And since one cannot go to
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infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there
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must be a first Untrimmed Trimmer, and this everyone understands
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to be Santa Claus.
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The second way is from the motion of Christmas presents. In
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this world we find the giving of Christmas presents. Now he who
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gives Christmas presents either got them from someone else or
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made them in his workshop. And since if no one makes Christmas
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presents in his workshop, there won't be any giving of Christmas
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presents, there must be a First Giver of Christmas presents, to
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which everyone gives the name Santa Claus.
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The third way is from the plastic images of Santa Claus. In
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all department stores we see plastic things which represent Santa
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Claus. Now these things are representative either because of
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Santa Claus himself or because of other images of Santa. But
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there can be no infinite regression in representation, so there
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must be something which is like Santa Claus because it is Santa
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Claus.
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The fourth way is taken from degrees of Christmas spirit. We
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see that people in this world have more or less Christmas spirit.
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But 'more' or 'less' can be said only in reference to a 'most'.
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So there must be someone who has the most Christmas spirit, and
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this person we call Santa Claus.
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The fifth way is from the conduct of children. As Christmas
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approaches, we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an
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end, which is shown by their always being good, or almost always.
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But children would not be good for Christmas unless someone
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ensured that they be good. This someone is known by everyone to
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be Santa Claus.
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Reply Objection #1: Since the good elves got the presents they
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give from someone else, they must at most be Santa's helpers.
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Reply Objection #2: It is not impossible that Santa Claus use the
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door like everyone else.
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----------------------------------------------------------
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Well, it works. I'll be talking (typing) to you more often.
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===============================================================
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OTHER RANTS
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===============================================================
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(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
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From: VAX001::DAILINGE "IGNATZ PIGFATZ"
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Subj: The Saacred
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Blarg.
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Narfang.
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Pa-TING!
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Shargalumpichetsie.
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Shnibble-fritz.
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LIFFFF.
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Horchibald Q.
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etcetera, etcetera, and cowpits.
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These are the sacred words. Guard them well against the evil
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eggsalad-marauders
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and their on-slaught of
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Chick,chick GHAZALOPIE!
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This is your mission, should you choose to accept it.
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signed, seriously, Colonel Otis F. Pingle
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Marco Horowitz-Liefgowitz.
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============================================================================
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Return-Path: <U91_RBAIN@STCOSY.STEVENS-TECH.EDU>
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<<< DISK$APPL_CONF:[NOTES$LIBRARY]RELIGION.NOTE;1 >>>
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-< A place to discuss religion and religious philosophy >-
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============================================================================
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Note 8.33 Heavy Metal Exorcism 33
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SITVXC::U91_RBAIN "Sir Realist" 32 lines 9-MAY-1990
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-< Demons is bad thingses. >-
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It's times like this I thank Chance (thanx, Dayal!) that I'm a
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Discordian. We don't have to worry about "demonic possesion",
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(Incidentally, why would anyone WANT to possess a demon, anyway? They're
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smelly, ugly nasty stupid little creeps, and they're no fun at parties!)
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since our souls are coated with such a thick layer of SKEPTICISM that
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only the most BLATANTLY obvious meta-psychic entities can use us as
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power sources. Some Discordian schizms do believe in various demons,
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angels, saints, monsters, and other such beasties. This is a cheap way
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of sneaking polytheism into a formerly nice clean monotheistic faith,
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which is probably a good thing. It's harder to be an intolerant,
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fanatical polytheist than an intolerant, fanatical believer in the ONE
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TRUE GOD, who/whatever THAT is.
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ANYway...we've got demons and such, but they can't directly harm
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or control us. (So there! Nyah!) However, they DO try to cause us
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harm, either by killing us, driving us away, or "Normalizing" (AIIIEE!)
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us, so as to preserve the purity of their "Food Supply"--the Normals.
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In some sinister way, the Bad Guys, (consisting of the minions of ALL
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other cults, natch;) sap off those saps, draining their "souls" for some
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evil purpose--usually their own growth, like some gigantic spiritual
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tumor. (Nice analogy, huh?)
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If a soldier dies "for his country", could he have been said to
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have been possessed by a National Demon? He did something no "sane"
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human being would, after all...
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The same sort of argument can be applied to an company-man who
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poisons the world for Money Demons, a chain-smoker in the grip of the
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Tobacco Demons, a martyr dying under the sway of a Religion Demon,
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etc...
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(Note to skeptics--this ENTIRE bit of surrealigious raving could
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easily be retranslated into a simple treatise on warring meme cultures.
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Only the superstitous deny the supernatural. fnord.)
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============================================================================
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LAST WORD!
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From: VAX001::SIMPSONS "My life conflicts, please reschedule."
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Subj: Otisian Sayings
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"Late to bed and early to rise,
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Makes a man grumpy and gives him red eyes."
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From: VAX001::SIMPSONS "My life conflicts, please reschedule."
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Late to bed and late to rise,
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Makes a man lazy.
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #9
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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