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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #8
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: VAX004::PURPS
Electronic Magazine INTERNET:
"purps%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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________________________________________________________________
SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
News: Tomatoes that dial the phone, Jesus Saves Neckties!,
Missing Brains, Kill Your Parents!, Illegal Flatulence!, More!
OTISian Rants: MORE BNQUT OF THE GOD(ESSE)S!, SPODE SPEAKS!, ASK
THE ORACLE!
Other Rants: What !&^%@&*^% REALLY Means, The Highly Coveted
Last Word!
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
(Everything Forbidden is Optional)
It should be noted for all you Wiccan types that Christians
occasionally feast as well as fast, and with that in mind, I'd
like to wish you all a HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Have a great time,
but remember; DON'T DRIVE FULL!
Sad as it may seem, every year around this time over 15,000
people are involved in Gastronomic Road Accidents (GRA's), many
seriously damaging their vehicles or persons. Stomach upset,
sudden extreme cases of flatulence, even cranberry induced
hallucinations all have been known to distract drivers just long
enough so that they don't notice the "bridge out" sign or an
oncoming semi.
A SOLUTION DOES EXIST. This year, why not try putting up
with those obnoxious relatives and spend the night, or, if that's
just too much, why not consider using a DESIGNATED STARVER? Find
someone in the family who could stand to loose a few pounds and
have him/her sit the meal out. There are plenty of Thanksgivings
in the future when (s)he can stuff her/his face, this time in the
interest of safety, have him/her starve and drive (SAD).
REMEMBER: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE FULL.
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF-- HEETHER'S HERNIA but the archives have grown. Muck
around there and find MORE UFO STUFF THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY
HANDLE, NIFTY COM FILES, THE MOST UP TO DATE ANONYMOUS FTP LIST,
USEFUL/ACADEMIC BBS LISTS (for those of you with internet
access), LIBRARIES reachable over the INTERNET. SHOP TODAY!
AND HERE'S A FREEBIE-- INTERLIBRARY LOAN TO S-L-O-W? GOING TO
OSU ANYWAY? HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET? Type TELNET lcs.us.ohio-
state.edu and much around with their ON-LINE LIBRARY CATALOG to
see if the book exists.
OTISIAN NEWS
These are hardly salad days for Montgomery county law officials. Last week,
police were testing the county's 911 system, scheduled to begin operating next
month, when the dispatcher received 10 calls that were traced to the home of
Linda and Danny Hurst. She tried to call the line, but it was busy. When she
hung up, she received another call from the same line. And another.
Deputy sheriff tracked down Linda Hurst. "I told them I'd locked my house and
there shouldn't be anyone in there," she said. Police, concerned that someone
had broken in, asked Hurst to meet them at her house. She parked in front of
the house, and walked up to the front door. "But they said, 'Ma'am, step back
please.' I looked back and they had their guns drawn. They were serious,"
Linda Hurst said. "They went through the house, but they couldn't find
anybody, so I went inside."
Finally, Linda Hurst's brother spotted the culprit - an overripe tomato. The
tomato was hanging over the telephone in a wire basket, dripping juice into
the couple's answering machine.
Chief Deputy Milton Graham said the tomato juice apparently got into the
telephone's dialing system and caused it to dial the sheriff's office. "We're
not sure how. Maybe they had speed dialing and it shorted out," he said. "I
didn't know the answering machine could even dial out," Linda Hurst said.
"It's just supposed to take messages."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is a copy of a message from The Science/Math Forum on
Compuserve. Emory can be reached via INTERNET EMAIL at:
72777.1553@Compuserve.com
**** EMORY'S MESSAGE FOLLOWS ****
#: 49686 S11/General Science
05-Nov-90 01:07:53
Sb: Be Healed, Clotheshorse!
Fm: Emory Kimbrough 72777,1553
To: All
Arrrrrrrrgh!
Picture, if you will, a tall skinny red-headed guy tearing out his already
thinning hair.
Regular participants in skepticon conferences and other forum regulars
know that I've been in a long-running battle with the notorious
faith-healer W.V. Grant. After exposing Grant's deceptions in two
_Tuscaloosa News_ editorials and two appearances on the local CBS
affiliate's evening news, I thought that we had W.V. on the ropes in
Alabama: A year has gone by since he last brought his crusade to this
area, and his television program stopped appearing on two Birmingham-area
television stations. The programs have been off for about six months.
I was flipping through the channels tonight, and discovered that W.V.
Grant is back on television here. I was about to throw the remote-control
through the TV screen, but I held back when I saw his latest gimmick. Of
all the silly money-raising gimmicks that these faith-stealers use, this
has to be the silliest yet. What was W.V. Grant pitching for $35 apiece?
Subliminal neckties.
Yes, friends, men's ties with a subliminal Jesus Saves message appearing
over five hundred times. Your choice of six prints, including paisleys
and diamond-row. Looks just like an ordinary tie until you put it under
the magnifying glass and see the subliminal messages imbedded in the
weave. You'll be subliminally testifying for Jesus every time you walk up
to a heathen.
Thanks, W.V., but I think I'll just stick to Perry Ellis and Nicole
Miller.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jobs You Should Consider Not Taking]
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>" 11-NOV-1990
ps - in the paper last week was the following tidbit:
"This reminds us of the psychotherapist whose Hongkong printer
earlier this year send back his cards printed 'Psycho The Rapist'"
-South China Morning Post, 1 Nov 1990
-reprinted w/o permission - Spode doesn't need
no stinkin' permission!
Glove and hisses,
-Spode
OTHER NEWS
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dale Eller, 22, of Columbus, Ohio walked into police headquarters & requested
an X-ray in order to locate his brain. He showed the police a hole in his
skull through which he had inserted 3 inches of wire trying to find his brain
but had failed. He told them he had made the hole with a power drill. Police
took Eller to the hospital, where doctors removed a coat hanger wire from his
head. A hospital official said Eller was in good condition, although doctors
said he might have personality changes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Alaskan assemblyman introduced a bill to punish "public flatulence,
crepitation, gaseous emission, & miasmic effluence," carrying a penalty of
$100.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting
a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Houston in 1987, a 10-yr-old boy shot & killed his father, Edward Simon,
45, & wounded his mother, Mary Simon, 47, with a .38-calibre revolver when
they refused to let him go outside & play.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Bambi's REVENGE]
An 8-point buck, wounded by a deer hunter's arrow near Seymour, WI in 1986
attacked the same hunter the following day. The animal used its sharp antlers
to pin the hunter to the ground & cut the man with one of his own arrowheads.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1987, Philadelphia Councilman John F. Street introduced a bill to ban
people from carrying snakes on public streets, sidewalks, and parks and in
recreation areas. Street told the Philadelphia Enquirer that the bill was
needed because he was "tired" of seeing people carrying snakes in public.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Not OUR god]
In 1980, 3 sisters in Lansing, Michigan "got filled with the Holy Spirit"
after reading the Bible, according to one, and were arrested shortly afterward
riding naked, smeared with mustard, in a stolen truck. In an interview with
Associated Press, one sister said the cause was "maybe . . . a little of both
[God and the devil] trying to outdo the other."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The medical director of a hospital in Puerto Rico was paid more than $22,000
by 2 drug companies to test 2 diarrhea medicines to determine their safety and
effectiveness, then submitted phony data to the drug companies & the federal
Food & Drug Administration. Although he claimed to have tried one of the
drugs on more than 60 children at the hospital, FDA investigator Doralie L.
Segal said she made 3 trips to Puerto Rico but couldn't find one child who
actually took the drug. One 37-month-old boy he claimed to have treated for
diarrhea turned out to be a 23-month-old boy who had never had the malady &
who had gone to the hospital to have a flower removed from his nose.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
BANQT THE GOD(ESSE)S PART UM... THREE!
Meet Bill! The Guy With One Good Arm!
Two hours and several glasses of punch later and the party would have had to
have been mighty boring not to hold my interest. As it was I was virtually
enthralled with the scene surrounding me....
"You don't look like the Pope."
"Excuse me?" I said, turning to face a plump, middle aged man with a bad
toupee failing to make up for a receding hairline.
"Guy at the desk said you was the Pope." he said "But you sure don't look
like the Pope to me."
He peered closely into my face.
"He's a lot taller. And better smellin'."
"Well.. I um.. " I stammered.
"Quietest guy I ever met."
"You didn't let me finish."
"The desk clerk. Quietest guy I ever met. Phone had been ripped out of the
wall, and he was afixin' it, you see. Didn't seem to want to talk at all.
Only when I told him it wuz awful noisy he snickered something fierce and said
it would soon be a lot quieter, when the time was right. Off his rocker if
you ask me."
He looked around.
"Tell me, Pope. Who are these people?"
"Pagan Gods and Goddesses, mostly." I suggested.
"Huh?" Startled, he turned to face me.
"I'm not sure. The other room is full of Elks, I think."
"My name's Bill." He removed his hat and asked me to hold it, and squiggled
without the use of his right arm out of his coat, which he held with his left
arm. He then took the hat back.
"Hasn't worked since the war."
"What?" I asked.
"The arm. Hasn't worked since the war. Lost it in Dresden. 'Scuze me."
He dumped the coat and hat on a nearby chair which had to be up-righted for
the purpose. "Other one's still good 'though. See?"
He swung it around.
I ducked.
"Quite good", I said. "How'd you do it?"
"Trying to get at a piece of caramel. Luckily I'm a lefty. You like
caramel?"
I told him I'd certainly take a piece.
"Didn't say I had any. Asked if you liked it."
I asked him how he felt about caramel.
"Not worth loosing an arm over."
I supposed it wasn't.
"It was her who liked caramel. Mother liked it to, mind you. Used to eat
it like after dinner candy at home, little after every meal. She saw it
coming."
He nodded to his arm.
"Says she a had a what do you call it ... premonition .. two days before I
lost it. She says it was just before they bombed, so she's sure of the date.
She was playing bridge with the Regional Women's club and she had a shooting
pain in her left arm and dropped the cards. When Martha Greensleeves asked
what was wrong, she said I'd been hurt.
"Later when the pain didn't go away, the took her to Dr. Erikson and he said
it looked like her shoulder had been crushed but he didn't know how. He
bandaged her up, and a couple of days later they bombed and I lost the same
arm trying to get at some caramel.
"It's always been like that, really. When I wuz little, she broke her ankle
jus before I twisted mine. And during High School, she hit her head on the
tub and nearly drowned about a week before I dove into the shallow end and was
only saved when Elly-May and Ernest wrapped Ernest's boxers around my head and
took me to the Erikson.
"Needless to say", he added confidentially, leaning close "I wuz more than a
little nervous when she died."
NEXT TIME MORE EXCITING STORIES FROM "BILL". ERIS MEETS ARANI. SPODE GETS A
REAlLY GOOD DEAL! See you then...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS WEEK: SPODE SPEAKS!!!
[And I'll bet you didn't believe in the tooth fairy, either...]
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>" Subj: PURPS
Submission #1
****************************************************************************
SPODE QUESTIONS SINCERITY OF PURPS !
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"The Purple Thuderbolt of Spode," eh? While I like the concept, and the
title, I am angered that I am not on the distribution list of the news-
letter which bears my name! It makes me wonder just how sincere you all
are about this whole business. Hmmmmm. Perhaps I should redirect a
typhoon or two toward the Gambier hinterland - *that* would certainly
confuse the unbelievers!
Despite this oversight, I shall provide the Pope (ha!) with a few sub-
missions which have appeared recently on my terminal through the inter-
vention of OTIS - who, by the way, thinks I am taking on far too many
human attributes while residing in the distant land of Hongkong. Distant,
my ass! OTIS should remember the last time we argued over my area of
dominance - as I recall, there was some sort of movement to have me
banished to Betelguese. As I recall, it had something to do with that
banquet when I was engaging in harmless antics with some Elks brothers...
Hmmph!
Actually, I had the misfortune to run afoul of the United States Immigration
and Naturalization Service (INS), who proceeded to con me into believing
that I violated almost all of the exclusions from entry into the country!
Boy, I must have had a bit too much of that sacramental whiskey... As I
recall, they claimed that the rules my presence violated included, but
were not limited to:
A. have you ever been treated for a mental disorder, drug addiction
or alcoholism?
B. Have you engaged in, or do you intend to engage in
commercialized sexual activity?
C. Are you, are have you at any time been an anarchist, or a member
of or affiliated with any Communist or other totalitarian party,
including any subdivision or affiliate?
D. Have you advocated or taught, by personal utterance, by written
or printed matter, or through affiliation with an organization:
1) opposition to organized government
2) the overthrow of government by force or violence
3) the assaulting or killing of government officials because of
their official character
4) the unlawful destruction of property
5) sabotage
6) the doctrines of world communism, or the establishment of a
totalitarian dictatorship in the United States?
E. Have you or do you intend to engage in prejudicial activities or
unlawful activities of a subversive nature?
F. During the period beginning March 23, 1933 and ending May 8,
1945, did you order, incite, assist, or otherwise participate in
persecuting any person because of race, religion, national origin,
or political opinion under the direction of, or in association with
any of the following:
1) the Nazi government in Germany
2) any government in the area occupied by the military forces of
the Nazi government of Germany
3) any government established with the assistance or cooperation
of the Nazi government of Germany
4) any government that was an ally of the Nazi government of
Germany
G. Have you been convicted of a violation of any law or regulation
relating to narcotic drugs or marijuana, or have you been an
illicit trafficker in narcotic drugs or marijuana?
H. Have you been involved in assisting any other aliens to enter
the United States in violation of the law?
I. Have you applied for exemption or discharge from training or
service in the Armed Forces of the United States on the ground of
alienage and have you been relieved or discharged from that
training service ?
J. Are you mentally retarded, insane, or have suffered from one or
more attacks of insanity ?
K. Are you afflicted with psychopathic personality, sexual
deviation, mental defect, narcotic drug addiction, chronic
alcoholism, or any dangerous contagious disease ?
L. Do you have any physical defect, disease, or disability
affecting you ability to earn a living ?
M. Are you a pauper, professional beggar, or vagrant ?
N. Are you likely to become a public charge ?
O. Are you a polygamist or do you advocate polygamy ?
P. Have you been excluded from the United States within the past
year, or have you at any time been deported from the United States,
or have you at any time been removed from the United States at
government expense ?
Q. Have you procured or have you attempted to procure a visa by
fraud or misrepresentation ?
R. Are you a former exchange visitor who is subject to, but has not
complied with, the two-year foreign residence requirement ?
S. Are you a medical graduate coming principally to work as a
member of the medical profession, without passing parts I and II of
the National Board of Medical Examiners Examination (or an
equivalent examination)?
T. Have you left the United States to avoid military service in
time of war or national emergency?
U. Have you committed or have you been convicted of a crime
involving moral turpitude?
I argued, of course, that all of this was simply a matter of interpretation.
Damn bureaucrats have NO sense of humor! One of these days, I *must*
remember to buy each of them a copy of that LP of George Burns singing.
I can't wait!
In the meantime, I *like* it here! OTIS is not around to give me a hard
time, and it is *so* much fun to work out just how to screw things up
in a completely different culture!
***
So - I expect to start getting these PURPS issues immediately! I had better
also get copies of the first five (5) issues - otherwise, I may just
have to return and have a 'chat' with the Pope!
***
ps - hey, Chadwick... what's this one: |-<.....o
(answer: an olive rolling out of an empty martini glass!)
****************************************************************************
From: VAX001::WINS%"<liza@media-lab.media.mit.edu>" 6-NOV-1990 12:01:34.12
To: STEVENSJ
For those of you who don't know, if you send a question
to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu, you'll get back an answer.
And then they'll send you someone else's question to answer.
The funniest ones get posted to rec.humor.oracle. Read there
for more details. Here's my question and the response:
[You might want to grab the instructions for this from Oraclehelp.arh in the
Humor section of the PURPS.ARH, or I promise you'll spend quite a while
figuring out how to get an answer.. it's non-user friendly automated. PJ]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
> Why do most computer science students dress badly?
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is an ancient custom dating back to the earliest of nerds. Back then,
} nerds would always dress... distinctively so as to differentiate themselves
} from others. You can see the embarrassment caused if a CS major came up to
a
} History major on the bus and said "Hey baby, wanna see my software?"
} Unfortunately, with the advent of the computer, the 'nerds' suffered from
} seared retinas, and are unable to see exactly what it is they are wearing.
} To their monitor-fried eyes, they are being fashionable, while to the rest
} of the world, they're wearing an obscene amount of plaid polyester. That is
} why the CS majors dress like they do.
}
} You owe the Oracle some corrective black shoes, mismatched (and too short)
} argyle socks, and LOTS of electrician tape to repair my glasses when I run
} into the walls too much.
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
From: VAX001::WINS%"<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>"
I found this on another mailing list, and thought OTIS would be disgusted,
sooo..... (besides, Spud is a warped version of my name...)
Extended sign-off mnemonics
These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented
bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody."
In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk
space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment.
The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations
and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new,
internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:
ooo : hugs
xxx : kisses
OOO : big hugs
XXX : big kisses
oo : hugs for everybody but you
OO! : big, excited hugs
CCC : hugs for people you can't quite reach around
OOQ : hugging with tongue
xx@ : kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz : snoring
yyy : anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H : handshake
kkk : Alternate form of "handshakes for all"
KKK : White robes for all
AAA : talk-show not-really kissing
[X] : kissing in the closet
XYZZY : a kiss that moves you
MMM : Same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL : Armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ : Big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) : Smiles for all
TTT : Trees for all
jjj : gooses for all
JJJ : big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ : This is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ : Still illegal, but generally not nearly as well
received
Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate
excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace
them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols.
Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy
cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for
assembly-language programmers.
Thank you,
Trygve Lode,
General Secretary (SPUDS)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The EVER COVETED LAST WORD this week goes to:
From: VAX001::PATTERSC "BLUE DJINNS" 19-OCT-1990 03:27:27.98
Subj: junk even now
milk givers are fun but what about
YAK S
o s
t i
n
g
which enriches the spirity
which envigorates the mind
which hurts the Yak
which makes it blind
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE # 8
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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