563 lines
27 KiB
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563 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #2
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO:
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Electronic Magazine" "purps%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu"
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction
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NEWS: Corrections, :)'s, UFO's and MORE!
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OTISian Rants: The Inception of the IGHF, More God(desse)s
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Other Rants: MAL3 Speaks! A Very Confusing Letter
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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(HAIL OTIS!!!)
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In the future these issues won't be this closely spaced. I
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promise. I got a LOT of stuff fairly quickly after issue 1, you
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see, and I just HAD to reprint it. From now on I will be more
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self restrained...
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Thanks and welcome to all the new members. A few of you
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were recommended by other people (the CADS), and if this is too
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weird for you let me know. Despite the fact that I am a salaried
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CA, my disk quota is mysteriously still only at 500 blocks (we're
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supposed to get 1,000). This means that I delete stuff
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constantly, and occasionally I'm forced to consign a mail message
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to the Electronic Void. I did that a lot this time through, so
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here are the gist of some of the ones that got axed that I
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remember...
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Margaret wants to be known as "Satan" in all
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correspondences. Uh-huh. He also wants you to know that he's on
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the radio from 11:00pm to 1:00am every Thursday (? have I got
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that right). Listen, how often do you get to hear the Prince of
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Darkness on WKCO? (Especially now that Paul Singer has left?)
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I'd listen, even call in. It could be informative.
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A much better show, of course, is the Groundhog Love
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Hodgepodge Extravaganza which happens from 11:00 to 12:00 am
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every Friday night. If no one invites you to parties, listen to
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this show. The Groundhog himself hosts it and it's quite a
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treat. Really good music this Friday, too. I know because the
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Groundhog himself borrowed some of my music for it.
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Finally, thank you for all of your letters and support. As
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you can see, I do reprint faithfully what amuses me. As you can
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also see, submissions don't have to be letter perfect {:-). Keep
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sending it in. HAIL OTIS-- Geoffe 1
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF
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CORRECTIONS: I forgot to tell you, but Purps is available as both
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a WP 4.2 (we're hardly worth 5.0, I reckon, besides the number is
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"unbalanced") and a standard text file, as all future issues will
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be (yes, this one, too). Please drop a mail message if you want
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it.
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I may start an advice column. Write in with your questions.
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WHAT DO THESE: {:-) MEAN?: Part 2
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Original jokes are, apparently, hard to come by (or at least
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terribly expensive). Witness, if you will, the reaction I've
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gotten to last issue's "Alternative Smilely Face Index" (not
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called that, then, but here you go. This is severely edited by
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the way, the original was several pages longer):
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The Unofficial Smiley Dictionary
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--------------------------------
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:-) Your basic smiley. This smilie is used to inflect a
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sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice
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inflection over Unix.
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:-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or
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is upset or depressed about something.
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:-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a Frowning smilie but not
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quite as good as a happy smiley
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:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than
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a :-).
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>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
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>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
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Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common
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ones:
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(-: User is left handed
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%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours
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straight
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:*) User is drunk
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:-[ User is a Vampire
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:-E Bucktoothed vampire
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:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
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:^) User has a broken nose
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:-& User is tongue tied.
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+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
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`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
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,:-) Same thing...other side
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|-I User is asleep
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:-? User smokes a pipe
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O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
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O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
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:-S User just made an incoherent statement
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:-D User is laughing at you!
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:-C User is really bummed
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<|-) User is Chinese
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<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
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@= User is pro-nuclear war
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*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
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d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hat
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:-9 User is licking his/her lips
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%-6 User is braindead
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K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
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@:-) User is wearing a turban
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:-: Mutant Smiley
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The invisible smiley
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.-) User only has one eye
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X-( User just died
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C=}>;*{O) Mega-Smiley... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in
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an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
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--
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| Per Gotterup | "The most merciful thing
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| in the world, I think
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| Student, DIKU (Inst. of Comp. Sci.) | is the inability |
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| University of Copenhagen, Denmark | of the human mind to
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| correlate all |
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| Internet: ballerup@freja.diku.dk | its contents." - H.P.
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OTISIAN NEWS
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(OTISian News is the Multi-media part of this extravaganza it can
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be read here and HEARD every Friday night sometime between
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10:00pm and Midnight on WKCO 91.9 in Gambier, OH.)
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Library Gets Improved Soundproofing
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Let me tell you folks, it works. I was in there last night and I
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could almost hear myself think.
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WALT DISNEY BUYS KENYON
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In a bizarre move to keep itself financially solvent, Kenyon
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college has allowed itself to be purchased by Disney enterprises.
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The move which was announced in a memo circulated to the faculty,
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was made with certain conditions. Kenyon, it seems, will be
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converted to a theme park, but will otherwise stay mostly the
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same with classes and social life continuing as usual. The
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Classes, however will be open for viewing by the soon to be
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park's tourists, and at least one staff member has told the
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OTIsian news he is upset about having to conduct economics
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courses dressed as Goofy. The buildings will remain largely
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untouched, as well, although the campus, Disney like, will be
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separated into distinct "amusement areas"; Samuel and Phil
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Mather will be located in "Scienceland", "Humanatiesland" will
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occupy most of the rest of campus, the fraternities and sorority
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will find themselves in "Dinnosaurland", and the Administration
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buildings and the Kenyon Observer will be even more permanently
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located in "Fantasyland".
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Olympics Moved to Charlottesville ME
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In a bizarre and unusual move on which its leading members refuse
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to comment, the Olympic committee has once again shifted the
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location of the 1996 games, this time from Atlanta Georgia (which
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preempted Athens as the site) to the formerly sleepy town of
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Fishkill, ME. The citizens of the remote village of Fishkill are
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surprised but generally pleased by the unexpected shift. "Well,
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I got this call around 9:00 last Saturday" said Francis
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Snodgrass, the town's sole selectman "from Elizabeth Hertford-
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Liz is the secretary at the town hall. She said she'd been
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around to get the week's mail on Thursday. I told her that was
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nice but why was she telling me? 'Well,' she said 'two things
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have happened. Mr. McMullet refuses to mend his fence on the
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east side, and it looks like we're gonna be hosting the 1996
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Olympics. I asked her why she didn't tell me sooner, and she
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said she would have but the new Sears catalog also arrived, and
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she wanted to read it first." Fredrick Snodgrass, the town's
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mayor, is more a little skeptical about his town's, which has a
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total population of 250 ("251", says Snodgrass proudly, "until
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Mrs. Hubbard kicked."), ability to host the athletic teams of 32
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nations and several hundred thousand fans. While he eagerly
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points to a hand drawn schematic entitled simply "parking" (see,
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he says, we can fit most of the trucks right here on the
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shoulders of route 492, and I guess everyone else will have to
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fit in Bill Smith's cow field, he never uses it anyway), he is
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unsure the town has the ability to provide adequate space for the
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athletic events. "Let me tell ya," he says "it's gonna tax the
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civic center to capacity." The town, however, seems to be
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bearing up heroically to the challenge, T-shirts with the slogan
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"Fishkill in '96" are already being sold in the general store on
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Main Street, and a dedicated band of workers has "started early"
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in their own words; they are already mixing the lemonade.
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OTHER NEWS
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PDTReply-To: Parapsychology Discussion Forum
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<PSI-L%RPIECS.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU>>
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Subject: Kechsburg, PA - 25-yr mystery flirtation with UFO!>
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Hi,Last night on 'Unsolved Mysteries', there was a long documentary
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reconstruction of the strange landing in woodlands near this small town of
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about 250 people, about 40 miles outside of Pittsburgh. Would you have seen
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the program?It aroused an incredible response from the US Military who setup
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a large base at the local firestation, and who convoyed the object which
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landed - something like a nose-cone, but with lettering of some rare nature
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upon its surface - taking it away, and then claiming that it was just a
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meteorite on the one hand, but officially not recording that they took
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anything away. An eyewitness (one of the local firemen volunteers) says that
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he has since studied many many written languages in the hope of identifying
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the hieroglyphic-type characters he saw. Nothing he has seen matched the
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lettering on the object (size of a Volkswagen car). He has looked at
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Russian,Egyptian, Aztec, etc, etc.Any thoughts? - A UFO investigator, Stan
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Gordon was interviewed and suggests that it might well represent a major
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cover-up of the appearance in the Eastern Provinces of Canada and in the
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Eastern USA of an extraterrestrial space-vehicle. Apparently, in tracking
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the thousands of sightings associated with its appearance on Dec.9,1965,
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Gordon discovered that the object veered in ways unknown to traditional
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flight-vehicles of any of the world's nations at the time - any previously
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recorded, that is. It changed course radically several times before honing
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in on the woods near Kechsburg.There must be lots of fascinating stories like
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this which were covered up by the official sources. When will the people of
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the Western Hemisphere be given full access to such incidents - with the
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official records made fully available, not some watered down versions? No
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wonder Psi research is light-years ahead in Russia!If the USSR openly
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acknowledges it's ready availability and funds research to explore rather
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than to prove/disprove psi - then think of the fascinating work which must be
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going on there even today,as those who have integrated some psi abilities,
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begin to work together in gestalt groups to achieve that MORE THAN HUMAN
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evolutionary quantum leap which yet awaits humanity here in the West. More
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exciting still, wait till the year 2000 when USSR and the West work together
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on psi-gestalts!!!Ah, tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow ... Isn't it
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frustrating having been stuck here with the knowledge of psi, and an
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inability to get on with developing its potentials for our children ...Of
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course you won't necessarily agree with me. Cheers,Melcir
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SCHEDULE:
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A Nifty, but as far as I know, wildly inaccurate TWIN PEAKS schedule. Out of
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date now, too, I think. ("Purps", were we bring you all of the action, just
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after it happened). Next Sunday is the new season premier, however. No more
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long action, rumor has it. This time it's shorter plots. The murder will be
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"solved", but they won't tell you straight out that her dad did it, knowing
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that the series would loose all interest if they gave it away too easily. So
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the whole thing will remain a mystery.
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Key: sea = season, epi = episode, sp. = special
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Sun Aug 5 sea 1, epi 0 9 pm (2 hour)
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Sat Aug 11 sea 1, epi 1 10 pm
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Sat Aug 18 sea 1, epi 2 10 pm
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Sat Aug 25 sea 1, epi 3 10 pm
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Sat Sep 1 sea 1, epi 4 10 pm
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Sat Sep 8 sea 1, epi 5 10 pm
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Sat Sep 15 sea 1, epi 6 10 pm
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Sat Sep 22 sea 1, epi 7 10 pm
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Sat Sep 29 catch-up sp. 10 pm
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Sun Sep 30 sea 2, epi 0 9 pm (2 hour)
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Sat Oct 6 sea 2, epi 1 9 pm
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Sat Oct 13 sea 2, epi 2 9 pm
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Sat Oct 20 sea 2, epi 9 pm
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VAX STUFF:
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Some of you have noticed "They"ve moved the terminals out of our most lovely
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Olin Computer center and put them somewhere else. Anyone know where that
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"else" might be? (Some, I know, are in the library, and everyone knows about
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Crawford....)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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_________________________________________________________________
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
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revealed!)
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The 1st Vision of Pope Jeoffe 1 of the Infinite Spellings and Preacher Tim of
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the House of Blue Light and Creation of the IGHF
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It was a dark night full of forbidding clouds. Tim and I were tired, I
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guess, and more than a little bored. Having drunk our fill at a nearby party
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which we hadn't been invited to we strolled out into the gloomy night and
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took a seat underneath the haystack monument which marks the sight , where,
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180 or so years ago, the American missionary movement started.
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"Have you ever noticed", said Tim, turning to me, "that if you close
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your eyes and rub the lids really hard you see all these strange ink like
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things which go swimming back and forth and form strange---
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1. 1AND behold, the heavens were OPENED! And a bright, searing light
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burst from the part 2in the clouds above, and a huge androgynous being
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slowly and majestically 3descended to earth, pausing for a moment, hovering
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over the statue above us and then swayed quickly to one side and landed on
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the ground beside 5Tim.
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6"Damn", spake the being, I almost stepped on that thing."
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7And behold! The being did speak again saying.
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8"Alright," said it, "you may not have noticed, but your world today is
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in a 8state of CONFUSION. Regan's been elected twice9, a mass return to
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paganism is sweeping the western world10, bought and paid for prophets are
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screaming about a New Age just over the 11horizon, existentialism is the
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officially sanctioned faith, and wall street raiders and CPAs have suddenly
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become `culture heroes'.
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13"Everywhere you look, doubt has become the norm, aging rock stars
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celebrate chaos and preach social concern while their audience consists
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largely of over-paid yuppies with 1.2 kids, Volvos in 14the driveway and
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black labrador retrievers, the president takes his advice from 15astrologers
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and punk and illogic and irrationality have become the new rallying 16cries.
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As I have predicted it, the Eighties have come to happen. All around you
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all the old beliefs in sanity and decency are crumbling, 17indeed 18 the
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very glue that has held your society is coming unstuck19. So it will 20have
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separated completely, and all the old beliefs by which you lived will be
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gone utterly.21
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2. 1"My name's OTIS, the ancient Sumerian god/dess of life, and this is
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what I want you to replace them with:
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2First of all, you will build me a 3House, a remarkable House, and
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IGIEF(1) of the highest standard. 4Truely this House will be a miracle on
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Earth, for it will be the organ, the first official organ of my new faith.
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6And with 7this House there shall be a POB. And from this 8POB shall you
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spread my divine message to the world, 9taking the ever growing number 10of
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your faithful for 11everything they are worth, 12for truly this is a
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gullible 13age.
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14Secondly, you shall both take NEW NAMES. 15You, Tim, shall be called
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"Preacher of the House of Blue Light" (and other things as 16well), and you
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Jeffe, shall be known a "Pope Geoffe I of the Infinite Spellings", and LO!
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your title shall be a good one for you shall spell your name many different
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ways, and LO! the FBI 17shall be kept guessing.
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18Thirdly, you shall go out into the world and PROPEGATE MY RELIGION,
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the sacred FAITH of 19OTISianism, teaching my secrets to all 20who are ready
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to hear and taking certain select 21pupils from their number to initiate into
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the 22higher 23levels of OTISianism. 23.b And LO! you shall also demand MONEY
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from these masses. LOTS OF MONEY! And you shall use this money to further
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celebrate my name.
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24Lastly, you shall declare a different OBJECT sacred each week, and I
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myself shall tell you what it is, and you shall celebrate it and praise it,
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and ignore it when the week is over, for 25I wouldn't want the joke to get
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old.
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26And all these things shall you do, and 26you shall become famous
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among men and 27your name's shall be known among men (particularly 28among
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those wearing uniforms) 29and your happiness will be great, and my fame had
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better spread."
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30Thus spake the great one, and, having 31finished, she did lean over,
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and whispering 32in both the ears of the newly named Preacher Tim and Pope
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Geophe, (s)he did speak many secrets. 33And (s)he told the secret of the
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34end of the world, and 35of it's beginning, and of the mysteries of the
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Balag lamentations, and 36of the nature of 37all things, both 38living and
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dead, and of the secret rituals, 38and of the other gods, Rotus who rules
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death, 39Lotus, the peace-bringer, and Spode the teller of lies. So too did
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(s)he tell of the evil Anti-Otis, and of the Zachinthains he leads, and the
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evil gods Blix, Grbl, Vootie and Wayne, his followers, and of the way of the
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world, and the nature of all things, and of how static electricity works, and
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other, lesser, mysteries. And thus did preacher Tim and Pope Geoffe achieve
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enlightenment. And then OTIS spake a40gain:
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3. 1"Now you have enlightenment. Now you know of all this things both of
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heaven and of earth that I know (make sure you write it down so you don't
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forget it) and now I must leave. Beware the false prophets and administer
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carefully to your flock. And this, above all things, should you remember;
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there's no real difference between different brands of toothpaste. Go, now,
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to the world. Everything forbidden is optional. Hail me!"
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4. 1And some of those things which OTIS his/her divinity did communicate
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to us there on that cold field we can tell you. And some of the 2things are
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only for the initiated. 2But none of them will you know unless you send us
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money. 3May OTIS bless you and send his/her good will your way. HAIL LOTUS,
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LOTUS AND 4SPODE!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!!
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"eyes...." finished Tim. "Now I've lost the thought. God, if it isn't
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one thing it's another. Damn deities think they run the world. Let's go
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find the PO Box."
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Pope Goeffe 1
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(1) "Ighief" is Sumerian for "house".
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-----------------------------------------------------
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NEW GODS, ETC.
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From: VAX001::SIMPSONS "BOB is dead; Long live OTIS
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Subj: gods and saints you forgot
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Brow: god of mindless destruction
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Mari-Lyn: goddess of sex and eliminatory functions
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Saints:
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St. Chad the Manly (who you called St. Simpson)
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Grammar, saxaphones
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St. Tyf of the Bleeding Head of Otis (who you called St. Simpson the Other)
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dubious financial scams
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[POPE'S NOTE:: Yeah, well unlike SOME Popes I don't claim to be infallible.
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Hopefully BROW won't mind his omission too much. Although I did notice this
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morning that some mysterious force had completely flattened my Volkswagen;
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until now I'd dismissed that as coincidence. Anyway, I'd never HEARD of
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Freud or Mar-i-lyn before (which is odd considering I invented this
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religion), but what the, I'll add them on (we can be flexible). Now, worship
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them or die. As for the saints, I didn't have time to do the extended titles
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(Crieza was breathing down my neck), but now you have them. PGeoffe]
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===============================================================
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OTHER RANTS
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===============================================================
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(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
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From: VAX001::SIMPSONS "theos dia kolpou" 24-SEP-1990
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Subj: RE: Issue One. Here It comes.....
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Dear Sir,
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I had difficulty.
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Sincerely,
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Marmota Monax
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From: OHSTPY::IN%"'FAUVAX::BARKER'@SERVAX.FIU.EDU"
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I had a dream once:
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When I came to my senses I beheld I was seated in a bowling alley at the
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snack counter, a cup of runny coffee in my hand. The t.v. set was showing
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reruns of the some assassination which I couldn't place. Raw brains and blood
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endlessly splashing across the screen as the film hiccuped over and over again
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like a skipping record.
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"Where am I?" I wondered out loud. No answer came. I wasn't surprised. I
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doubt anyone else could hear me over the clatter of pins and the roll of
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balls. The noise seemed incredibly loud. It was giving me a headache.
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A new sound came to me. An electronic sound. I turned my head to see a
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small boy standing nearby. He was in front of a video game machine and was
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blowing little aliens to bits. The aliens looked like little heads and
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spat thunder bolts at the child's ship decorated with a strange glyph I
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couldn't identify. The boy had a wagon next to him loaded with weapons.
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Shot guns, mines, explosives, machine guns, sonar, and radar equipment. No
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one paid any attention to him as he chewed a wad of gum carelessly
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throwing a wrapper on the floor. He played with an ease the told me he'd
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be there for hours on just one quarter.
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Near by was the entrance. I looked over at it contemplating leaving. I
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don't know why, or where I would go even. A bright tangible golden light
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leaked through the sliding glass doors. It seemed almost to be a liquid
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splashing onto the fake marble tiles that made up the floor and soaking
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into the astro turf mat used to wipe your feet on.
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The doors slid open and in walked two Gods. They looked human enough but
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deep in my bones I felt they were other wise. One was a woman clad in
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golden hot pants, stars and comets dancing in her hair. The other was
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impossible to describe. I was not even sure of it's sex but it felt male,
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as if to compliment the femaleness of the one in hot pants. All I can
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remember of what this God looked like was the tattered Doc Savage novel
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sticking from it's back pocket.[1]
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Their faces were excited and flushed as if it were their first date. The
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two stepped forward to the counter and after a momentary exchange with a
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huge buddha like figure obtained shoes and a lane. They rapidly picked
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bowling balls as if both were experts in at the task. I detected none of
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the fumbling or half embarrassed motions you saw with lesser bowlers.
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Clearly they were Gods.
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A man dropped down next to me on a stool. His pipe puffing like a
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locomotive his face like frozen wax. To one eye he held an old super 8
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movie camera.[2] In a quiet voice he spoke to me. "You ever hear the one
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about the travelling salesman and the farmer's daughter?" he asked out of
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the side of his mouth. I looked at where his camera was pointed. He was
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filming the two Gods as they bowled.
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"No," I replied looking back at the man coughing on the strange smelling
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smoke issuing from his pipe. The man still filming proceeded to tell me
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the lamest joke I'd ever heard in my life. He laughed hysterically about
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swallowing his pipe. Then he drank the rest of my coffee and bid me good
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day, disappearing into the crowds and noise.
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I watched the two Gods bowling for a while. One moment they were ever so
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polite and cool and the next they were on the verge of ripping each others
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clothes off. Then I caught sight of the performer in the lounge. He had a
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beat up guitar and was signing old Elvis[3] tunes I could just barely catch
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over the noise of the bowling. I approached the lounge and the closer I
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got to the performer the more I felt I knew the figure. His side burns
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screamed out to me but I couldn't place him exactly. His name was on the
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tip of my tongue.
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As I entered the lounge I saw he had his guitar case open before him. He
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was begging for money. People had been throwing their spent glasses and
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false teeth into the case instead of money. Hastily scrawled on a piece of
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cardboard attached to the case were the words, "Help Fight the
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AntiChrist".
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I walked up to the man. He was singing "Love Me Tender". I looked into his
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eyes. He looked into mine and suddenly I was aboard a submarine somewhere
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in the Bermuda Triangle. Sirens were sounding as we crashed dived. We'd
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just fired off a torpedo at an enemy vessel. The skipper with his hat
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turned backwards hung from the periscope housing in exhaustion. He had
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side burns and a beat up guitar was across his back.
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I looked into his eyes. He looked into mine and I was back at the lounge
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in the bowling alley. Some rednecks threw beers bottles at him and he left
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closing up his guitar case full of spend glasses and false teeth and
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slinging his guitar over his shoulder. I followed him out of the bar into
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the bowling alley proper. Then across the to the doors which opened. He
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turned to glance at me, a tear in his eye, before disappearing into to the
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thick yellow light beyond.
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The wax faced man with the locomotive pipe and a camera in one eye walked
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up to me, a smile across his frozen face. "Good work. That was very
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dramatic," he said shaking me hand. Then he laughed hysterically as the
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joy buzzer in his palm shocked me. It made me very angry and I ran over to
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where the boy with the wagon was still playing video games. I pulled a
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shot gun out of his wagon. "Put that back bozo!" the boy yelled turning
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from his video game.
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I looked at the gun in my hand and slowly put it back. There was something
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menacing about him. He glared at me and turned back to his game an
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continued to play. I looked around for some other weapons when I saw a boy
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with a green face smoking a cigar. He was dressed in very loud clothes.
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Words were printed on his stripped stove pipe hat.[4] I read them. They said
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"Wake Up" and I did.
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----Mal 9/24/90
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Notes by Pope Geophee 1
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[1] The elevator Doc rides to his secret layer is an "Otis". His chief
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assistant also wears a red fez similar to Pope Jephee's. Is this, then, an
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OTIS figure? Is then the consort Arani? Or Eris, who we suspect OTIS "dated"
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in "high school", although (s)he adamantly denies it (then again, (s)he said
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the same thing about Don Knots). Or are these simply allegorical
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representations of the mail and female aspects of the god/dess? We do have
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evidence, from Ancient Sumerian balag lamentations (see Rhienhart) that OTIS
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was a FANTASTIC bowler.
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[2] Obviously, this is "B-b", but notice the super eight camera. "Eight" is a
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sacred number of OTIS.
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[3] Elvis, as proved in a recent OTISian Directory, is a early incarnation of
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OTIS him/herself.
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[4] We all know who THIS is, right?
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PJ.
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #2
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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