654 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
654 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
poupey issue 15. april 9th, 1997
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FUCKSHIT%!@#$!#@$ WHADDAORF FOROKS IS GOIDOFDHNA FUKAING HAPPWNR TO
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POUPEY@#%@!#$ FUCKCKK!@$#!@$ I NO WANT TO DIE!@$$@! NO WANT DIE!@ FUCKING
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ACID + BASE=DEATH!#@$!#@$ CSHHTIIRTIITI!#!#@$ ESHITO!#@$!$ FUCK!$#@!#$
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BOOM!!!@! NOT KFDIXT DIE I WILL NOT DIE WANT NOT TO DIE!#@$
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FUCK $#@!!@$@! DICK SHRINKING!@$!@$ BRAIN CSELLS VANISHING#Qr!$#@
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here IS THE issue.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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nybar is going to die - sniff.
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Nybar's last day on earth, a portrait. (oohh... portrait.. classy)
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<nybar wakes up>
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Nybar "FUCK!#$@!#$!@#$.... I NEED ANOTHER FIX@$@!!@$!@$!!"
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<nybar is on phone, in a bubble bath with bags of money and near naked
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women sorrounding him>
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Nybar "FUCK MAN!@$!@$ a GANSTA'S LIFE AIN't!@$!@$ FUN!@$!$@"
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Nybar's Pusher "FUCK MAN!@# I GET YOU NEW FIX! YES! FIX NO! YES! I MEAN YES!"
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Nybar "Sheot nig... I meet you at abandoned warezhouse."
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<nybar, at abandoned warezhouse with his pusher. Giant boxes full of
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flintstone pills are lying all around.>
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Nybar's pusher <holding up some flintstone's pills> "Shit girlfriend.. you
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think you can just strut into any pharmacy and buy this crap?~$!@$"
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Nybar "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... I'll try."
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Nybar's pusher "NO! I'LL LOWER THE PRICE DAMNIT!@$!@$"
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<nybar hands a big bundle of monopoly money to his pusher and his pusher
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hands him a huge bag of pills>
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Nybar's pusher gets kneed in groin
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Nybar "Teehee... because man get knee in groin for big laugh during movies."
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<you are in hell. You have no arms. Two large Samoan men are raping you>
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Nybar "Shit... copycat. I'll narrate from now on."
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<Ahhhh... howabout this....you are in a newjersey alley, in the dumpster.
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there is one exit. You are to weak to reach it.>
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Nybar "Better... continue."
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<Nybar sits in a convertible chevy in a shawl. the top is down. he has
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louise with him.>
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Nybar "What do you say Louise?!@$!@$"
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Louise "JUMMMMPPP!@$!@$#!$"
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Nybar "Fuck that... crazy fucking bitch."
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<nybar kicks louise off cliff... and drives off.>
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LATER
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<nybar speed at unsafe speeds in the same chevy, minus the shawl. A large
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black man named Jules is with him.>
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Jules "So tell me about these flintstone pill bars."
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Nybar "So what do you want to know?"
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Jules "Well... it's legal there, right?"
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Nybar "Yeah... it's legal.. but it ain't swear to potato legal. You can't
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just walk into a resteraunt, bring out the flintstone pills and start
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chompin' away. Yer only supposed to eat it in certain places... like on
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top of neighbors roofs.. and naked, in the street.. right?"
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Jules "Those are also nudie bars?"
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Nybar "I don't even know why they call them bars."
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Jules "ahhh..."
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Nybar "And you know what the funniest fucking thing about Europe is?"
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Jules "Yeah..?---"
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Nybar "It's the little differences.... they got a lotta the same shit as
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we got here... but there are little differences."
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Jules "Example."
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Nybar "Well.. you know what they call a quarter pounder wit cheese in
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Holland?"
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Jules "They don't call it a quarter pounder wit cheese?"
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Nybar "Nahh... they're fuckin pagans over there... they don't know what
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the fuck a quarter pounder is."
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Jules "So what do they call it?"
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Nybar "Roast baby with goat blood."
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Jules "Goddamn."
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Nybar "And this is related.... know what they put in the toilet instead of
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shit?"
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Jules "What?"
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Nybar "Vomit."
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<Jules laughs like a madman>
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--
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<the chevy SCREECHES to a stop.>
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Nybar and jules get out and go around to the trunk
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Nybar "We should have shotguns for this kind of deal."
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Jules "How many are there?"
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Nybar "2 or 3."
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Jules "Space aliens?"
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Nybar "All of em."
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Jules "Do they shoot lasers out of their eyes?"
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Nybar "Oh yeah!"
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Jules "How many eyes?"
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Nybar <sounding black> "Sheot... I dunno. 20 at least... and you bettah
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beleive they allllllll silk."
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Jules "Any additional obstacles?"
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Nybar "6 er 7 andy bodyguards."
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Jules "We gotta fuckin retire em all?@!$"
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Nybar "Yep"
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Jules "SHEOT MANNN!#!#@$!@$"
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Nybar "We should have fuckin shotguns."
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---
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Nybar "Oh wait.. I have one."
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<nybar whips out a shotgun and BLASTS jules to smithereens.>
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Nybar <spits on jules bloody corpse> "Die nigger die."
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-------------------------------------------------------
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SPECIAL INTERMISSION
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Jubjub tries to compare his penis size to that of doll... nybar punches
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him in groin.
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Jubjub "DAMNIT!@!!!
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---
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Jubjub "Shit... the pain just kicked in"
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Nybar "Tee hee."
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---------------------------------------------------------
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<"Stuck in the middle with shoe" plays. Nybar has mogel all tied up in a
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chair and is dancing around him to the tune of the music>
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Nybar "Boots to the left of me, high heels to the right... here I am...
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stuck in the middle with shoe.. yes I'm... stuck in the middle with shoe."
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<nybar pulls a straight razor out of his boot.>
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Like a cobra... nybar LASHES OUT!!
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Mogel SCREEEEEAAMMMSSSS!!!@
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Nybar, moving to the music----
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Nybar CUTS OFF MOGELS EAR and HOLDS IT UP FOR HIM TO SEE!!!
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Mogel HOWLSSSSSS!@$!@#$!!@#$!#$
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Nybar goes offscreen.
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Nybar comes back with a can of gasoline.
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Nybar "Yes I'm... stuck in the middle with shoe."
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<nybar pours the gasoline all over Mogel>
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Mr. Orange <holding pistol steady at nybar> "ENOUGH!!"
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Nybar <wheels> "Hehehehhehe--"
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Nybar <bats the gun out of the way at the same time as he says...> "Cmon
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shoot me!" (in a mocking voice)
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Nybar <Bats the gun again..> "Go ahead shoot me!"
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Quentin Tarrintino jumps onscreen and says "What I was trying to say with
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this is that violence is everywhere... like even on cereal boxes!!!"
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<nybar and Mr.Orange wheel and shoot him. Mogel bursts into FLAMES>
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Audience BOOS
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Nybar "Shit... if they don't like that... they'll hate my NYPD SHOE
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skit... it's the exact same thing!!"
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-------------------------------------- Yet another intermission. --
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Nybar "Y'know... he was right...... those wheaties boxes are SUPER
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voilent!!"
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<nybar grabs jubjub's hands and makes jubjub hit himself>
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Nybar (in a very mocking tone) "Quit hitting yerself!!!!"
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---------------------------------------------------
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Nybar "Ok... we're going to do this quickly... I'm nybar he's jubjub.
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<pointing to the rest as he goes along> Mr. Orange Mr. White Mr. Blue Mr.
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Blonde Mr. Brown."
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Cerkit "Shit man... I gotta glok! Why am I Mr.Pink?@!?!"
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Mercuri (mr.white) "Cause yer a fag."
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Cerkit "Hey shaddup whitey."
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---------------------------------------------------
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Nybar lies in bed, suffering from withdrawl. A small child slowly crawls
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on the ceiling. it's head turns around like beetle juice!
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Nybar "Hi moe. Here to taunt me??"
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Baby (now known as Moe) "Nahhhh... just checking the paper-- WAHHH!@$!@$"
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<baby cries as he falls on nybars heads>
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Nybar "Eeeewwww... disgusting baby!!@$!@$"
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As nybar walks along the street, a midget cripple brushes him. He picks
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the midget cripple up and busts his head with a 2 by 4... BOYYYY!!!
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--------------------------------------------------
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Nybar is in his 79' chevy with Mia. They pull up to Play Boy Bunny:
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Bim(bo)s
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Mia "So what is this place?"
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Nybar "It's Play Boy Bunny: Bims."
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Mia "I thought I asked for bambi."
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Nybar <takes a long drag of his cig> "This is better'n bambi."
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Mia "*TAKE ME TO FUCKING JACK RABBIT SLIMS*!@$!@$!$"
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Nybar "Shit... ok. I guess the man in the bar won't be able to take out
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his 13 inch pianist."
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Mia "It isn't that big!@$$@!!$"
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Nybar "Oh yeah? Wanna compare?!$#@"
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Mia "First... thats sick. Second, I'm a woman, so I would lose!@#"
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Nybar "I thought so... chickening out."
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Mia "This is ridiculous!@$!@$ Cut!@ RETAKE!@$"
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---
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Nybar is in his 79' chevy with Mia. They pull up to Jack Rabbit Slims.
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Nybar "So what is this place?"
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Mia "It's Jack... Rabbit... Slims."
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Nybar "I CAN'T GO IN THERE.. THEY KNOW ME!!!"
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Crazy old guy "We'll get Salllll.."
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Mafia Lookin old dude "Sal.. GENIUS!"
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<giant foot, alla monty python, steps on the old men>
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Mia "Cmon... don't be a <traces a rectangle with her fingers>"
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Nybar "THATS A RECTANGLE YA IDIOT!@$"
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Mia knees nybar in groin... even though they are both sitting down in
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chevy still.
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Nybar "Oof."
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Mia "Tee-hee."
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<cut to inside jack rabbit slims, nybar and mia are sitting down at a
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cadalac table across from eachother>
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Nybar "So Whitney didn't even KNOW all those Hampsters were there?~$#@!@$"
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Mia "Of course she knew.. they were her test gerbils!"
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Nybar "Percy Gives better stuff the Whitney does.... makes no
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sense!@$@!$#"
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Mia "Tee hee.. wheet."
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Nybar "Percy does it sexier."
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Mia "Eew. Hmmm.. I wonder if fuzz is percie's king."
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Nybar "He's a gerbil."
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Mia "Gerbil... hampster... whats the difference?"
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Nybar "Ahhh..."
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Mia "Discooo."
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--------------------------------------------------
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<someone who is obviously Seinfeld but with a little black thing across
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his eyes.. does his routine>
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Jerry S. (the s. so you don't know who he is.. in a whiny voice) "So why
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do they call it cheese? It doesn't taste like cheese! It tastes like.....
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lightning .. they should call it lightning! Actually... it tastes like
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solid milk with a lightning flavor in there!! They should call it solid
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milk, with a lightning flavor in there!!"
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Nybar <in audience> "You suck RAINERRRR!$E!$#@#@$"
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Jubjub "Come on... Mcbain or Magarnacle?"
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Nybar "They are both just characters played by the actor, Rainer
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Wolfecastle."
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Jubjub "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Which one did you say?"
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Nybar "You are right!@$!@$"
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<in the future.... nybar is 25, he's is wearing only underwear. A bunch of
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old guys are sitting around him, completely naked. It might be a dream so
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don't think about it at the firestone tire company meeting.>
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Old Fogey "Oh no... can nothing break this terrible silence?!@$"
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Other Old Fogey "Only the ARMPIT fart!!"
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Nybar (thinking) *oh no... the armpit fart!! I could do it when I was
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small... but.. buttttt...* <blink.. sniff>
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Nybar "Ohhh yeah.. I remember how I did it!!"
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Wag "eewww... you remember how you DID it!"
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Nybar "Shaddup."
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<nybar takes off his shirt and does the armpit fart.>
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Nybar "And.. I kind of like rainbows."
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Old fogey "Rainbows?!@$"
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Wag "QUEER!!"
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<everyone but nybar reaches off screen and their arms come back with
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pitchforks. chase music plays. They chase nybar past the same lamp flower
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and door 500 times, then they all spontaneously combust but nybar.>
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--0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
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Nybar "So we tied barney to the tree and peed on him and sicked dogs with
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bees in their mouthes and every time they barked they shoot bees at you at
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him and then we just plain killed him dead."
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Big fat comic store owner "Toodle-oo."
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Heffer "The END. Get it... the *END*!! No BUTTS about it!
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HEHEHEHEHEHE!@$!@$!@$
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----------
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i'm a sex machine - by jubjub
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i'm a sex machine
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gene
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sex all night, sex all day
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i like it straight, i like it gay
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i make 'em scream, i make 'em cry
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in their face, in their eye
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standing up and sitting down
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with a pig, with a clown
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man, that was stupid.
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----------
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DAMN FUCKING CANNIBALS!@$
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----------
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Mogel and the vegetarian squad sit at the banquet hall of the Vegetarian
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HQ, enjoying Dinner.
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Mogel "Ahhhhh... a fresh dinner of asparagus!! How healthy!@$ And the best
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part is, no cute critters were killed!! We can proudly call ourselves
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vegetarians!! We aren't rancid flesh eaters that as punishment deserve to
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be killed!! We're good guys!$@!@$ We don't even step on bugs!@$!@$"
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All "Aie... kill the meat eaters."
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<all set to ravenously devouring the asparagus that has been boiled in
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goat urine.>
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Mogel <GLORMF!@$#!@$ (glormf being a devouring sound)>
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SUDDENLY, A SMALL UFO LANDS ON THE BANQUET TABLE! Three asparagus people
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walk out.
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Asparagus person one "GOOD GOD!@$!@$"
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Asparagus person two "AIEEEE!@$!@$!@$ THEY WILL KILL US ALL@!$@!$"
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Asparagus leader "We come thousands of light years to spread snuggle
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snuggle joy joy warm blanket peace and love.... and we find.. CANNIBALS
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CANNIBALS CANNIBALS!@$!@#$ AIEEEEEEEEE!@#$!@#$!$#@ YOU SICKO'S$@!!@$!$ MY
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BABIES! MY BABIES! YOU ARE EATING MY BABIESSSSSSS!#@$!@$"
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Asparagus person one "And for the biggest insult.. you boiled them in
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URINE!@$!$@ GOAT URINE!@$!@$@$!@$!@$ Meat is all we eat on our planet! WE
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DRINK NO MEAT URINE!@$!@$"
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Asparagus Leader <sob, cry> "You will not eat our NEVER SENTIENT!@$!@$#
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Meat crop that we brought as an offering of peace!"
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Asparagus person one "The meat crop will spoil! <cry> My aunt spent days
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shucking those hotdogs!$#!@$"
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Mogel "Man.. I feel really bad.."
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Asparagus Leader "FAG!@!@$!@$!@$"
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<asparagus people gang and devour the vegetarians raw.>
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--
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Meanwhile, nybar at the meat eaters convention eats hot dogs.. ARMOR hot dogs.
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SUDDENLY... THE WEINER PEOPLES SHIP LANDS!@!@$!@$
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Weiner person one "Hello nybar, we are the weiner people." (in a squeaky voice)
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Weiner person leader "NYBAR! YOU RULE! CMON AND EAT US!!!"
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Nybar "OK!"
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----------------------------------
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The END of Nybar as we know him (her?) <it?).
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Nybar: "Ok.... so anyway this is the whole point of the issue so I will
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keep it short. Ahh... lets see... someone locked the bathroom door
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from the outside while no one was in it, and we couldn't open it.
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Anyway, it was stuck right? So froboy shinnied up to the roof,
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past the army. He opened the window and went in and unlocked the
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door and walked out. I walked in to take a poop... but someone had
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left a BIG stinky in there before locking it.. and it had been
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sitting in the toilet for 3 days. So I just got alot of bathroom
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cleaners and put them all in. And then, I started scrubbing with a
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sponge. I took a deep breath. Bam.. I start choking. Then I fall
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over and die. But miraculously I am ressurected instantly in the
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exact same body. Fin."
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FIN, Ya mook.
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Amonia+bleach=death.
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Mogel will probably hate this issue. Good. jerk. DTO #20 will probably
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never come out.
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Mi mee mi mo, mi mi mi may. <dogs attack.
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Haikus:
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Taste the burning flesh.
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Need.. to buy some school supplies.
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WOAH! Man I like cats!@$!@$
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Fin I mean it..
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really.
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