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222 lines
11 KiB
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| Vol 7 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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SENATE GIVES HEALTH CARE A BIG FAT COLOSTOMY
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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The US Senate's effort to implement health reform has
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ground down to a deadlock, and debate on the subject has ceased.
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Republican and Democratic Senators cannot come to agreement on
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anything about American health care with the exception of the
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Senate passing a bipartisan, nonbinding resolution which said,
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"Every American, if he or she lives long enough, will die ....
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well, pound our senatorial puds."
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The Senate resolution passed 93-2 with the two dissenting
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votes coming from Sen. Ted Kennedy (Dem.) and Sen. Jesse Helms
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(Rep.). This seemed like a strange alliance, since the two men
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usually stand on opposite sides of the political spectrum. For
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instance, Kennedy would look at a theoretical glass half filled
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with water and say, "This scotch and water is half empty; it
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doesn't have any scotch in it; whereas, Helms would look at the
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same theoretical glass of water and say, "Look at this! The NEA
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has funded another piece of anti-Christian piece of art."
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The five woman Senators abstained from the vote in protest
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to the words "pound our senatorial puds" in the resolution,
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although they said they would have voted for the resolution if
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the Senate had changed the objectionable words to something more
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gender neutral like wank our senatorial gadgets or canoodle our
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senatorial privates.
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Upon the passage of the Senate resolution, the debate over
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health care deteriorated into partisan bickering and soon members
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of the Senate stopped addressing each other during debates with
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complimentary terms such as:
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Will the fascinating, well-proportioned, dolce vita Senator
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from Rhode Island yield me some of his time so I can
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respond to his bucko-jockstrap but, nevertheless, obtuse
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argument, and will he give me a swig from that bottle of
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bourbon he carries around in his pocket?
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Why certainly I'll give the incredible, funky and
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superfly Senator from Minnesota some of my time. [Takes
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a swig from his flask of bourbon and then gives the flask
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to the Senator] And sure, take a pop of my hooch, my
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toothsome, goomba-muchacha from Minnesota.
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As the debate fell into bitter partisanship, Senators
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addressed each other in this manner:
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Will the ribald, grody, second story man from Rhode Island
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yield me some of his worthless, pecuniary time? It will give
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him the opportunity to swash down that bottle of limp wristed,
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weasel-piss inebriant he carries around in his back packet.
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No, I will not yield my time to the fourflushing,
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lounge lizard, abomination from Minnesota. How can I
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libate my libation when he is always leeching my hooch.
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Besides, I'd rather share my liquor with a rattlesnake than
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the bovine lump of mendacious monkeydom from Minnesota.
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When the Senate decorum broke down, the ratings of C-Span's
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televised segments of the US Senate climbed twelve billion
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percent. The major networks, alarmed at C-Span's success,
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preempted their prime time programming with televised
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proceedings of the Senate health debate and preceded each
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broadcast with major TV anchors like Peter Jennings, Ted
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Baxter, Tarzan, and Larry the Wonder Opossum making an
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announcement something as this:
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Tonight we will broadcast the Senate debate on health care
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and hopefully the partisan bickering will become so intense
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we will show you a Senator mowing down another Senator with
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an illegal assault weapon right on your screen LIVE!!
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But first this commercial message from Harry and Louise,
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that wonderful couple whom the insurance companies paid
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millions of dollars to hate the Clinton plan and to say how
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much they hate it on national television. What a deal they
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got. Most Americans already hate the Clinton plan, and they
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don't get a dime for it. That's the greatness of our
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American free enterprise system.
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The partisan bickering resulted from each party's approach
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to health care. The Democrats led by Senate Majority Leader
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George Mitchell, formerly Mr. Peepers, support a comprehensive
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health plan for Americans with universal coverage. The Mitchell
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plan has a full range of health benefits such as preventive
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medicine, internal medicine, minor and major surgery, hair
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styling, manicures, and lawn services. To pay for the plan, the
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Democrats will put it on the federal government's Visa card.
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Senate Minority Leader Bob Dole, who has no reflection and
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whom Anne Rice recommended to play the part of Lestat in the
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upcoming film _Interview with a Vampire_, leads the Republican
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effort. The Dole plan relies on incentives, deregulation, and
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market forces. The central part of the plan consists of allowing
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Americans to sell or barter their organs, blood, bone marrow,
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brain tissue, etc, to pay for their health care. It also would
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give tax breaks to all Americans who don't become sick or die.
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However, the Dole plan has fewer benefits than the Mitchell
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plan. In the Dole plan, Americans will receive only two benefits:
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a lifetime supply of tongue depressants and a bedpan that one can
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wear also as a ten gallon hat. The Dole plan pays for the benefits
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through an organ inspection fee in which a meat inspector from
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the Department of Agriculture tests Americans' organs for such
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contaminants as salmonella. If the organs seem devoid of
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contamination, the meat inspectors approve them for
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transplantation by stamping "USDA approved" on them. By paying
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for the benefits in this way, the Republicans can say their plan
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has no tax increases.
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Proposals for a health care plan compromise look dim. Sen.
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Phil Gramm (Rep.) of Texas, who threatens secession if either the
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Dole plan or Mitchell plan passes, said either of the proposed
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plans in the Senate will ruin the American health system. "We
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have the greatest health care system in the world," says Gramm, "
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Why just a few years ago American doctors transplanted a baboon's
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heart in a man; in a few years they will be able to transplant a
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chicken's brain in a man, and I refuse to let a meddling Congress
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stifle such a breakthrough advancement like this in American
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health care."
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SPECIAL INTERESTS BLEED HEALTH CARE
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Jawbone (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Many political experts believe special interests have
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killed major health care reform in the Senate. Their intense
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lobbying, peremptory whining, and incendiary groveling has
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immobilized the legislative body. The experts point to three
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groups as particularly effective.
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For instance, Lesbians Against Government Waste oppose the
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Mitchell plan. They insist the federal government cannot pay for
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the Mitchell plan, for due to the country's persistent budget
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deficit it has a bad credit rating, which puts a $50 credit limit
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on its Visa card.
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The Association of American Channelers Clairvoyants, and
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Ouija Board Repairmen has attacked the tax breaks in the
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Republican plan, for those who die lose their tax break, making
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the plan biased against dead people.
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Physicians for the Protection of Loot, Moolah, and Gravy.
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(PPLMG) doesn't like the deregulation aspects of the Dole plan.
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The organization says it will would allow average Americans to
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read government pamphlets and do brain surgery on themselves in
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their homes and get tax breaks. The PPMLG also hates the Mitchell
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plan because it has a 90 day money back guarantee on medical
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procedures, meaning if doctors don't cure an American completely,
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he or she will get a full refund even if inflicted with an
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incurable or unknown disease.
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If either plan passes, the PPLMG says it would put doctors
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out of business and they would go on welfare and eventually
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become homeless. To survive they then would need to stand on busy
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street corners, dressed in ragged lab coats with their medical
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equipment in shopping carts and accost people, give them physical
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exams without their permission then demand $95 in cash or credit
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card in payment. The PPLMG predicts some desperate doctors will
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go beyond just exams and start X-raying people and demanding
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money, and it does not want to speculate on what a homeless
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proctologist might do to people.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of
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the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK
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PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it
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to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic
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mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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_THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears approximately twice a month on the USENET
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newsgroups alt.zines, alt.journalism, and rec.humor; on The WELL in the
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conference Statements (stmt) topic 81 and in the Zines Conference (F5) on
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the ezine menu; on Compuserve in the EFF Sig, Zines from the Net and in
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the Cyber Forum in Cyberlit/Zines; on America Online in the PDA Forum
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(keyword PDA), Mac users choose the Ezine library button but PC users
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select "Palmtop Paperbacks" then select the "Ezine libraries" folder, from
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there Mac and PC users choose "Humor" then "Other humor." You also can
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collect it by anonymous FTP from crl.com in users/ro/blanning, at
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etext.archive.umich.edu, and on the The WELL gopher in the Online Zines
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directory.
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===========================================================================
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