114 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
114 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
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| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
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| | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| |
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| | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ |
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| |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ |
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| Vol 4 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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BARNEY DOES BREAKFAST AND CHARGED WITH MURDER
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Barney the dinosaur, star of the children's television show_Barney_,
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went berserk this morning during his show and ate three of his child co-
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stars.
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The mayhem occurred in the Pretend Room while Barney and his co-stars
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sang the song "Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me." In the second verse, Barney
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stopped singing and muttered that he had not eaten breakfast. He started
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staring at the children. Drops of saliva dripped from his mouth. His
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stomach growled. His eyes widened and pupils dilated much like someone on
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the third week of a radical diet of designer water and raw grass, who
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stumbles upon a cheesecake in a bakery window. Just as the children
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finished the song, Barney started to shiver. Suddenly, he just grabbed the
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children and one by one dropped them down his mouth like appetizers.
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A fourth child only escaped because Barney ate the third child too
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fast, and he bent over choking for several minutes, allowing the child to
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run away. Barney nearly passed out, but a fortuitous belch cleared the
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obstruction. He then stood erect, complained of a severe thirst, and asked
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for a double gin and tonic.
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This all seemed very ironic, since Barney had just given a ten minute
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lesson, demonstrating to children how to chew one's food properly to
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prevent choking. The lesson even included a rhyming song with lyrics
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instructing children on the proper technique of the Heimlich maneuver.
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Following it, Barney gave a ten minute plea for responsible drinking among
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kindergartners.
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Before Barney finished his gin and tonic, the police arrived and
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arrested him on three counts of first degree murder, one count of attempted
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murder, and a misdemeanor charge of chewing with his mouth open.
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The Public Broadcasting Corporation (PBS), producers of_Barney_,
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estimates seven million children and 300,000 very strange adults saw the
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killings. However, it estimates that over sixty million people saw the show
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that night when many of its local affiliates broadcast the show again as
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part of their fund drive. PBS local affiliates claimed record donations
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from viewers during the rebroadcast, especially when the stations ran
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Barney eating breakfast in slow motion. They also reported receiving
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thousands of supportive letters which said, "Now that's what I call
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culture. Keep it up!"
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News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world. Barney comes
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from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt work in the film
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King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the film _King Kong Versus_
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_Mohammed Ali_. Barney's father played in the movie _1,000,000 Years B.C._
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and its sequel _1,000,001 B.C._ His mother ran an acting school, which
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became famous for teaching lizards the Stanislasky methods.
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Barney began his career as a tap dancer. Later, he starred in many
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Broadway shows in which he broke down many barriers against reptiles. He
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played Professor Higgins in an all serpent version of Lerner and Lowe's _My
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Fair Lady_. He played Curly in _Oklahoma_ in the first show produced and
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directed by stegosauruses. His music theater career ended though when he
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tripped over his tail during a dance scene in _West Side Story_. He
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received a severe head injury, and his I.Q dropped seventy points, giving
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him the intelligence of a learned potato. He had to quit the music theater
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but got a job playing himself on own children's TV show.
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Upon Barney's arrest, he hired flamboyant defense attorney A.P. Hee-
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Haw Ripsnort to defend him. Ripsnort is a smooth, down home, southern
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lawyer who speaks with a New York accent. He wears Rhet Butler suits with a
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prostitute's lace garter belt wrapped around his upper arm. In court, he
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wears no shoes or socks and asks beautiful jurywomen it they'd like to arm
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wrestle sometime. While cross-examining witnesses, he eats corn on the cob
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and offers prosecuting attorneys a chew of his tobacco. He specializes in
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defending TV creature actors. For instance he has defended Dino of _The
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Flintstones_, Alf of the show _Alf_, and Herve Villachaez of _Fantasy
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Island_. He became famous for successfully defending Kermit the Frog of the
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Muppets from a vicious palimony suit brought on by Miss Piggy.
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Ripsnort said he would base Barney's defense on temporary insanity,
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for only hours before the killings Barney had watched a pirate video
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cassette of the film _Jurassic Park_ fifteen times consecutively. Ripsnort
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will make the argument that the gratuitous violence in the film _Jurassic_
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Park_ motivated Barney to consume children, a diet that even the American
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Pork Producers does not approve because of its high cholesterol. Ripsnort
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intends to present clips from _Jurassic Park_, showing dinosaurs hunting
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and eating humans, to the jury as part of Barney's defense. He will precede
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the clips with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
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No matter the outcome of the trial, however, Barney has no future on
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television. The Federal Communications Center (FCC) intends to ban him from
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public airwaves for eating children in daylight hours, a violation of FCC
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rules.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
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permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
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the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
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and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
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an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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