131 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
131 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
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| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
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| Vol 2 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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NEW WHITEWATER REVELATIONS REVEALED, YIKES
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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Today, unnamed, reliable well paid sources in the special prosecutor's
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office investigating the Whitewater scandal have turned over a secret memo
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to the Peter Funk Press. It outlines what special prosecutor Robert Fiske--
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whoops, scratch that -- Kenneth W. Starr* has discovered about how the
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Clintons became involved in the Whitewater scandal.
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The memo seems very important to the special prosecutor because it has
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written in its margins the words, "Hey bub. Secret stuff here. Do not leak.
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Keep this memo at least 500 miles from any journalist. Should a journalist
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come within 500 miles of this memo, eat it immediately then set yourself on
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fire." However, the special prosecutor's office refuses to acknowledge the
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memo, for when the Peter Funk Press asked Robert Fiske, that is to say,
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Kenneth W. Starr about the memo, he replied, "I can't talk to you right
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now. I am expecting a very important phone call from my bookie."
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According to the memo, the Whitewater incident began as a business
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deal between James McDougal and his wife when Clinton lost his reelection
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bid for governor. Clinton won the governorship of Arkansas by promising the
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citizens of Arkansans that as soon as he became governor he would leave the
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state and not come back. However, Clinton broke this promise immediately
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and stayed in Arkansas to govern the state and undress unsuspecting women.
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The people of Arkansans didn't mind his undressing unsuspecting women
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so long as he did it as part of his official duties as governor, but they
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became furious over his breached campaign promise to leave the state and
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not come back. Therefore, when Clinton ran for re-election they denied him
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a second term by electing the Republican gubernatorial candidate, a frozen
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chicken by the name of General Sterling Price, who served only one term
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because the cooks in the Arkansas governor's mansion accidently fried it
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and served it an official state dinner for the American Fatback Council to
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celebrate the influence of cholesterol on the American civilization.
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The memo goes on to say the Clintons became involved in Whitewater
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through James McDougal, a former door to door bagpipe salesman, who became
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famous for leading a scientific expedition up the legs of a Scotsman named
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Ian McMacbeth to find out what a Scotsman wears under his kilts. He made a
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film documentary of the expedition that appeared on PBS. Unfortunately, the
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expedition failed because all of its members failed to bring a flashlight,
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and when they reached McMacbeth's kilts they couldn't see anything and had
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to turn around. Later, he became a millionaire by manufacturing psychedelic
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tartan and non-representational tweed.
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McDougal donated a lot of money to Clinton's first campaign for
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governor. In fact, he gave so much money to Clinton's campaign he made
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Clinton's "platinum list," which allowed big campaign donors to go into the
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governor's mansion, sit on Clinton's lap, and lobby him. McDougal used this
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privilege often, and during the hours he sat on Clinton's lap lobbying
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their conversations often diverted into long discussions about politics,
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culture, world affairs and their mutual interest in eating very large
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cheeseburgers.
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Thus, over the long hours of their conversations, they became very
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good friends. The two men became especially close when McDougal lobbied
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Clinton for a hair transplant subsidy. Clinton got him one through the
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Arkansas Department of Agriculture by declaring McDougal's head a tobacco
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farm in an executive order. Unfortunately, the hair transplant failed, but
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McDougal wisely had obtained crop insurance and recouped most of his
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losses.
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McDougal never forgot what Clinton did for his head, so after Clinton
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lost the governorship he came to Clinton with a business offer in a land
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development called Whitewater. He sat on Clinton's lap and offered him a
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50% partnership in the land deal. The two had become so accustomed to
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McDougal sitting on Clinton's lap they continued to do it even after
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Clinton lost the governorship. Clinton became very excited about the offer,
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and he jumped out of his chair hollering, "Suuuuuey! I'm going to get rich.
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Oink oink." Meanwhile, McDougal fell out of Clinton's lap onto the floor,
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injuring his head which entitled him to a disaster payment from FEMA.
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Despite his feeling of excitement, Clinton told McDougal he had to
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talk to his wife Hillary about the matter before making a decision. She had
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the business knowledge in the family he said. For instance, according to
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the secret memo, she once made $500,000 in five minutes trading chocolate
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chip cookies on the commodities market on the advice of some Keebler elves
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living in trees who worked for the Keebler Cookie Company. In return for
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their advice, she promised the elves she would advise Gov. Clinton to
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replace bacon, banana and peanut butter sandwiches with chocolate chip
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cookies as the daily lunch for the Arkansas school lunch program.
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McDougal gave him a prospectus of Whitewater for Hillary to read.
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After reading it, Hillary became very interested in Whitewater. McDougal
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wrote in it he intended to sell lots on the Whitewater land and attract
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buyers by making Whitewater into a recreational resort with such
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recreational activities as chewing, spitting, snoring, and standing on the
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summits of Ozark hilltops and rolling rocks down on mankind.
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Hillary Rodham Clinton liked the recreational aspects of Whitewater,
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particularly rolling rocks down on mankind. She thought it would go over
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big in Arkansas, for it has become the most popular form of family
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entertainment in Arkansas, next to firing a gun in the air.
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When Hillary Clinton read the terms of McDougal's offer, she decided
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to accept his offer. McDougal valued the Whitewater investment at 1.5
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million dollars and to cover their $750,000 share of the investment he
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asked them to put up their living room sofa. They did and became partners
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with him in Whitewater.
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* A federal court panel replaced Robert Fiske with Kenneth W. Starr when it
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questioned Fiske's objectivity because he bought a new Cadillac with
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President Clinton's Visa card.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
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permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
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the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
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and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
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an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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