144 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
144 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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| |_____| o |_o________/ o |
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| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
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| RED-018.TXT aka |
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| "pHuN aT tHe Z00!" |
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| By : Stinky |
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: "Better Living Through Stupidity." :
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. .
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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Hello! Wow! I'm so excited! This is my first article that I've
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written for ReD. I also write for an e-mag that I helped found, PaL (Primatez
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Againzt Lamerz). You may have not heard of us yet, but you will soon! We
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have the best damn ansi bombs around! Anyway, me writing for ReD is a
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milestone for both I, and for ReD, since I am their first writer who is also
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a monkey.
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Anyway, I've decided in the fun spirit of other ReD articles, to go
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for one of those "fun-at-soandso" articles that tell you fun ways to pass the
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time while out on the town. This one, I don't think anyone has ever touched
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before. How to have fun at the zoo. Being a monkey, I've spent a lot of time
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at the zoo, and I know how boring it can be. Trust me! Here are some fun
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ways, a k00l aNaRKuZT like you can pass the time.
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Let's face it - the zoo can be a terribly boring place to be.
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Especially when you're a monkey. Now, those damn polar bears, they get to
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swim around and shit. What do we get? A fucking tire tied to the roof with
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a cheap-ass rope and some hay. Then some fuck-head monkey takes the hay and
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throws it at me. They know I'm allergic to it! >OR<, some asshole monkey
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takes the straw, puts it in his mouth like he's a goddamned farmer, and all
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the tourists all go, "Awwwwww!" at once. God, that's annoying. Then.. then
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there's the pictures! What the fuck do you people have in those flashes?
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FLOOD LIGHTS?! Assholes! Oh. I'm ranting. Sorry. It's just not that much
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fun at the zoo, if you catch my drift.
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Keep in mind I'm not responsible for the outcomes of the following
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suggestions. If they go awry, it's all your fault!
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Oh yeah. In case you didn't know, this is fun stuff to do while
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you're in captivity at the zoo. Not just visiting. Sorry for the confusion!
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( Side note : Red boxes do >NOT< work on the Zoo Key boxes! Repeat :
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red boxes do >NOT< work on the Zoo Key boxes! )
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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[1] Gnaw away at the rope holding up the tire swing the the chimpazee
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tire swing. Eventually, while one of those damn chimps are swingin' away on
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the thing, it'll snap!
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[2] While there's a particularly large group of people standing around
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your cage watching you, stick your finger up your ass, pull it out, and eat
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it! The more caked with your own shit it is - the better!
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[3] Steal the zookeepers keys! This can be a whole lot of pHuN, so,
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I've breaken it down into sub-ideas.
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(a) When the zookeeper isn't looking, have all your friends run out of
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the cage, then, lock him in!
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(b) Hide them! Just the general look of confusion on their faces can
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make you wet yourself. I've done it myself. Then again, I am a monkey.
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(c) Let the bears and lions out to eat the visitors at the zoo!
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(d) Let out all the snakes and have snake fights! Bet money!
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(e) Steal a wombat and let it loose in the gift shop! Fun-eee!
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(f) Go to where everyone's waiting in line to get on the trolley, hold
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the key up into the air, jump up and down and scream,
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"Hey! I'm a crazy monkey and I have a key! Look at me dance! Yeah!
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I'm a crazy key-holdin' monkey who's dancing around like a crazy monkey! I'm
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crazy, and I got a key! Look at me dance! cRa-Zeee!"
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[4] Spot an unexpecting visitor (preferably someone who's old, stupid,
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or just plain ol' out of it) and gouge them in the eye with the key! Tee hee!
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[5] One word - Feces!
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[6] Start an e-mag!
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[7] Radomly punch visitors and blame it on the sloths in the next
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cage. They'll believe you, too! Hey! Dumb fuck-head! Sloths are slow as
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shit, they can't do it! You goddamned moron!
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[8] HaCK iNTo THe SaLaD BaR aT THe FooD CouRT!
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[9] Order a dozen pizzas to the laughing hyenas. They won't think
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it's so fuckin' funny when they have to pay for 35 anchovy pizzas.
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[10] Start humping the shit out of the other monkeys in the cage. Make
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sure there are a lot of people watching, or it just isn't funny.
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[11] Get out to the pay phones, call the operator, and start making
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monkey noises. Then, when they say,
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"Excuse me, Sir, are you a monkey?" sound offended and say,
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"I am not a monkey!" and hang up. Ha ha! Fun-eee!
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[12] Make Mentos commercials.
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[13] Find out what's in Spam.
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[14] Shave yourself completely bald and try to pass yourself off as a
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human. When someone asks you if you're a monkey, throw some poop at them and
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say, "Hey! Would a monkey throw his own fecal matter at you? Huh!?" and then
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walk away. Of course they would, but they won't be able to do anything since
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they'll have a shitload of monkey dung all over their face.
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[15] Write for ReD.
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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Well, that's it for me! Hope you had fun and maybe got some good
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ideas! Captivity can really get boring, and hopefully, I've given you enough
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knowledge to occupy yourself. Just remember - this file was for informational
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purposes >ONLY<! Don't really go flinging your own poo in someones face! It
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makes you look bad. Later!
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- Stinky
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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P.S. - Here's an article I wrote for PaL that they turned down. You
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have to be able to speak Monkey to read it. It's on how to make an improved
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red box!
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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Oo ooo o oooo o oooo ooo ooooooo oo o oooooo o oooo oo ooooo o!
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Ooo oo ee ooo aaaa ooo eee o a eee a oo e a oooo o o e o!
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O oo eeeee a ooooo aa eeee!
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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! Copyright (c) Stinky and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
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! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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