158 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
158 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
.----------------------------------------------------------------------------.
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| ___________ __________ |
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| | |_____| \ |
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| | . | | . | |
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| | :_____| ____| | | |
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| | | ___|_ : | |
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| |_____| o |_o________/ o |
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| |____________| |
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| Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : |
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| RED-012.TXT aka |
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| "You're a Pathetic Loser" |
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| By : Black Francis |
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: "Better Living Through Stupitity" :
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. .
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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Speaking of losers, here are some quotes from people who's loserific lives
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*HAVEN'T* been changed by ReD!
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"Black Francis is a lamer."
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- Wicked Illusion
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"Black Francis is Asshole of the Year! Blacklist this lamer!"
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- A-ko
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"I'd crash his board, but it's LD! He deserves it!"
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- Agent Orange
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"Jeremy, you forgot your GoBots lunchbox! Can't go to school without it!"
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- Wicked Illusion's Mom
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"Time for your spanking, Jeremy, you stupid little bastard!"
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- Wicked Illusion's Dad
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""
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- Wicked Illusion's Girlfriend (Hands can't talk, stupid)
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"I am a lamer."
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- Black Francis
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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You're a pathetic loser and you know it. Admiting it is the first step on
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the road to recovery, boy! This file is just *PROOF* that you're a loser!
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Think about it, won't you? You spend your hours with your fat ass glued to
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this seat, eyes focused in on the screen, and you're wittle itty-bitty
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arthritis-waitin'-to-happen fingers tappin' away on your extended 101 key
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IBM keyboard! Whee! If you weren't a loser, you'd be out right about now,
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most likely getting plastered. You know. Shitfaced. But nooooo! Maybe
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drinking isn't your style. Maybe you'd be the fearless leader of yet another
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circle-jerk, instead focusing your beady little eyes on a seven year-old copy
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of Hustler you found under your dad's bed. But that's ok. Different strokes
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for different folks. Er, no pun intended. Really.
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I know what you're mumbling. I've just insulted myself pretty bad, eh? I
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must be King Loser if I make stupid text files. Well, ok, I'll admit. You're
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half right. I'm one of those people with lots of friends, but no social life.
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Then again, I feel that, if I'm going to go out and do stupid shit, I may as
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well sit at home and make these stupid text files. I will go out twice or
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three times a week for good measure, but I spend most of my hours in front of
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the computer. Sometimes, when I *DO* go out, it's to visit other computer
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geeks. As sad as it is, it's true. But they're nice people and I can relate
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to them. So why not? Hell, I've screwed a few "modem-chicks". Eek. I wish
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I hadn't said that. Anyway, to me, computers are a hidden pleasure almost.
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None of my friends know about it. I try to hide it as much as I can. It's
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very tempting, but when I hear someone shout out a question about computers, I
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become edgey, and must refrain from answering. Enough about me, we're here
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for you, dork.
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I'm not going to sit here for the rest of this file and insult you. While
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that would most likely be pretty funny, it would be too damn easy. Instead,
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I'm going to be kind for once and attempt to help out a wee bit. I'm going to
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give you some fairly simple suggestions on how to lively up your social life.
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Most of these are tried, tested, and true methods. That's most, deary. So,
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if one backfires, save your whining for someone who gives a shit.
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1) Get a car. Get a car and soon enough you'll be the talk of the town!
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You'll be taxing your loser friends all over the damned place! This is
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*BOUND* to work, but, it'll cost you an arm and a leg. Are you *THAT*
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desperate for friends? If so, this is your ticket to popularity right here.
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It's a sure-fire way to get chicks, too. Just be careful, some cars can make
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you even more of a loser. Cars to look out for: (a) Cars from countries that
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don't even exist anymore. (b) Cars with less than four wheels. (c) Cars
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endorsed by ex-porn stars. (d) Cars bought for less than $250. (e) Cars
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bought solely on how much room they have in the backseat.
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2) Get lots of tatoos. I have a few myself. Now, either everyone will
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flock to you like you're the messiah and gawk at you in sheer amazement for
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days upon end, or they'll be scared of you, which is also a good thing. Try
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to steer away from the gaudy, or corny, tatoos. Stuff like a heart with "Mom"
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written in it just doesn't cut it, man. I personally like tribal art, but, if
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that just doesn't float your boat, try something like cartoon characters.
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Another one to stay away from is anything naked. Naked women adorning your
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chest may seem cool for a while, but when you're a loser, and not getting any
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in the first place, why bother? It also looks real stupid when you get older.
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Naked men aren't very good, either. If I even have to explain why, you should
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just kill yourself now and get it over with. Stop breathing my valueable air
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and get it over with, pink boy. And, hey, if the tatoos don't work, get a lot
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more and join a freak show. Zany hi-jinx ensue!
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3) Start a shitty t-file group! The chicks will be on you like white on
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rice, baby!
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4) Kill someone. Yeah, seems a little harsh, but, if all else fails you
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have nothing to lose. You'll become a strange, mysterious, dark, scary wonder
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and everyone will want to be your friend just so they know a rebel such as
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yourself. Now, if you want to take it one step further, try mass murder!
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Hell, even when you're in jail you'll be popular. Charlie Manson gets tons
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of fan mail.
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5) Kill yourself. Kurt Cobain is alive - he's a loser. Kurt Cobain is
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dead - he sells millions of records. Nuff said.
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6) Become "alternative". Buy a skateboard and carry it around with you at
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school so that everyone knows just how damn alternative you are! Wear lots
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of plaid flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and Nirvana t-shirts. Everyone will
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want to be friends with the "alternative" guy! Listen to bands nobody has
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ever heard before, even if you don't like them. Make up bands if you have to.
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Example (1):
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Someone else - "Who's your favorite band?"
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You - "The Rotten Cabbage Farmers."
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Someone else - "Wow! Can I be your friend?"
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7) Be stupid. Some of you may already be two steps ahead of me here, so
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just bear with me. Nobody likes smart people. Face it. With this one,
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you'll have to be careful, though. If you act *TOO* stupid, they may put you
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in special education, and we all know what happens to special ed. kids, right?
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Yeah, they're the ones who get pantsed in gym. Just be moderately stupid.
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Remember - Less is more.
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8) Shop at the Gap. Clothes make the man, my friend. All the popular kids
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shop there, so why shouldn't you? Dress as preppy as you possibly can. It's
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sickening, but yet, it works.
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9) Come to school naked. You'll be a trendsetter.
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10) Hang out with ReD guys! Yowza! They're virtual chick-magnets, and if
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you're seen with them, it can lead to nothing but good things! Even the
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mention of ReD members make chicks wet between the legs!
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Example (1):
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Chick - "Hey, loser."
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You - "Black Francis is my friend."
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Chick - "Ooooo baby! I want you *NOW!*"
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Well there you go. Ten suggestions to help you be the big popular fuck
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you've always wanted to be. And remember, when you're in bed with the leader
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of the cheerleading squad, you owe it all to me. Now, go hide the Hustler
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back under your dads bed, get to the mall, and go hang out or something. This
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has been a shareware text file, if you read it, send me lots of money.
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 !
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! All Rights Reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right !
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WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!
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