162 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
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____________________________
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\__ __ / ____/ \
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/ _/ ___/__ _/ \
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/ / \ / /
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/____/_____\________/________/
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"|~34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z"
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Almost Proudly Presents:
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RED-2.5.TXT aka
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"How to Hack Your Way Out of a Paper Bag"
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by Black Francis (America's Sweetheart)
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Someone once told me, that I probably couldn't hack my way out of a paper
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bag. So, being the curious little booger I am, I tried it. Trust me, it's
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not as hard as it sounds. First, make sure you have a paper bag handy. The
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easiest kinds to hack are the little tiny cutesy-wutesy lunch bags. The
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larger grocery bags are pretty hefty, and rather thick compared to the lunch
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bags. Next, you want to make sure you have a knife. I also found out that
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if you have even an ounce of strength, you could probably hack one of those
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lunch bags with a plastic spoon.. but I think that's, like, for professional
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hackers. Anyway, take the knife, and stick it in the bag. Make sure you're
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still holding onto it - that's very important! Finally, poke the sharp end
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of the knife through the bag, and thrash away. It's imperative that you use
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the sharp end. The end you hold onto is not as sharp, and it hurts your hand
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when you hold onto the sharp end. There, you've hacked your way out of a
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paper bag! Congratulations!
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____________________________
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\__ __ / ____/ \
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/ _/ ___/__ _/ \
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/ / \ / /
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/____/_____\________/________/
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"|~34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z"
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Super-Duperly Proudly Presents:
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RED-003.TXT aka
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"Them Damn Mentos Commercials!"
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by: Black Francis
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-[WARNING! READ THIS BEFORE PROCEDDING!]-
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Hola. One thing before we start, if you've never seen a Mentos commercial
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in your entire life, reading this next article is completely and utterly
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worthless. You just won't get it (although I'm sure some who have seen them
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won't get it, either). Please, go back and read the previous article over
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and over until you throw up all over the place. Thank you.
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Ok, so it may seem like a pretty lame subject to write about, but I can't
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stand it anymore. Every time I flick on the tube, it's another mind-numbing
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Mentos commercial. But, for some reason, I don't change the channel. What
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attracts me to each and every dull-yet-fascinating episode of these Eurpoean
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beauties? They have the annoying yet irresistable charm of a B-52's video.
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Personally, I think they use hypnotisim through subliminal messages, but
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that's just my theory.
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Who are the geniuses who come up with these things? Someone is getting
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paid a shitload of money to make these damn commercials. That would be the
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best job in the world. I could make up a Mentos commercial in 5 seconds,
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maybe even less, and some bozo is getting paid out his asshole to do it? Ok,
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let's see. Grab a stopwatch. Ready? ......GO!
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Guy gets into an accident and gets out of the car and the person he hit is
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a lawyer and is going to sue him but then the guy who smacked into him pulls
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out a pack of Mentos and everything is cool.
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Ok. Time? That could be a personal best, although, that basically is the
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plot of every Mentos commercial. They just change the idea slightly for
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each one. Which brings me to the whole idea of carrying a pack of Mentos
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in case you ever get in some sort of trouble. I tried something, an
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experiment if you will. I went to the 7-11 and bought some Mentos. Then,
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I placed them in my back pocket and continued the rest of the day as I
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normally would. Here's how it went: (please kids, don't try this at home)
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I began the day by going to school as usual. Once in school, I realized
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I had forgot to do my algebra homework. But, instead of rushing to do it,
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I decided to put my Mentos into action for the first time. As the Algebra
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teacher made his rounds, checking homework, I pryed the candies from my
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pocket. Then, the big moment came;
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"Justin, where's your homework?" he said.
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"I don't have it, Mr. Appelbaum. BUT, I do have some.. MENTOS!" I said,
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and with blinding speed, I whooped out the Mentos and flashed them in front
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of his face. He stared at me blankly for a minute or so. The class seemed
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puzzled, almost. Like I had just said something in a foreign language.
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"The Freshmaker, Mr. Appelbaum!" I added. He still wouldn't budge. After
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standing in front of me for what seemed like an hour saying nothing, he then
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finally moved. He scribbled something down in his notebook, and then moved
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on. Alright! It worked! Whee! After wallowing in my own glory for the
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rest of the period, the bell rang and I was on my way out of the door, the
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teacher called me to his desk.
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"Alright. Here's your detention slip for not doing your homework today."
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Once again, I shoved the Mentos in his face.
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"What are you doing, Justin?"
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Then I broke into a gigantic phoney smile. I stuck the Mentos ever closer
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to his face, he seemed to be getting edgy.
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"Will you please get them out of my face?!" he said. Then he started to
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write me a pass for some reason.
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"Go to the office, Mr. Hottenstein will have more patience with you then
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I do." he said as he ripped the little yellow piece of paper from the pad and
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handed it to me. I put the Mentos back into my pocket and continued to the
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office. After waiting there while Mr. Hottenstein yelled and screamed at
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some other deliquent, I was called in. Without saying anything, I pulled out
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the Mentos and stuck them about one inch in front of his face.
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In a matter of minutes I was home. Out of school suspension. Ok, maybe
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I was sticking the Mentos too close to everyone's face, and they couldn't
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read the label. So, when my dad got home, I attempted the Mentos trick again.
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After informing him I had a two day out of school suspension, I prepared my
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Mentos.
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"A two day out of school suspension? For *WHAT*?" he screamed. Without a
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word, I smiled, and showed him the Mentos. It didn't work. I found myself
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grounded for a month, and not being able to go to the Helmet concert. Grr..
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Then I thought maybe I was barking up the wrong tree, so-to-speak. Maybe
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I should try the power of Mentos elsewhere. You know, push them to their
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limit. Give them a run for their money. So, later that night, I snuck
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out (it wasn't easy considering I have a third story aparment - ouch). So,
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to *REALLY* test the power of Mentos, I went out and robbed a 7-11. Sounds
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a little extreme, but judging by some of these Mentos commercials, they're
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pretty powerful. With my trusty rifle in hand, I walked into the 7-11 and
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began to fire at everything, but spared the clerk because, hey, he sold me
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the Mentos. I told him to call the police, and made sure he informed them
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that I had a high-powered rifle. Not to much later, the police arrived.
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Ahh.. here we go. I began randomly firing at the cops, and even took a few
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of them out. Joyous day! When they began to get an itsy-bitsy too close to
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hitting me, I pulled the Mentos out of my pocket and ran towards the police,
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dodging bullets the best that I could.
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"I GOT MENTOS!" I screamed, trying to talk over the rapid fire of the
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police.
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"LOOK! MOTHER FUCKING MENTOS!!" I screamed once again. I ducked behind a
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Coca-Cola display and took a few Mentos out of the package, and began
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tossing them at the cops. I think I took out one or two, but it didn't
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hold them off for very long. I grasped the last of the Mentos, and leaped
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up from the behind the display. I raised the Mentos in the air like I was
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the statue of liberty. The cops stopped firing, and began to look at each
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other. Just as I thought, it worked! It was just a matter of time. The
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adreniline was still pumping, but I knew it was all over. I started to walk
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towards the officers, Mentos still in hand.
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"See? I have Mentos. You can relax, boys." I sighed. The cops looked at
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me again and smiled.
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"The Freshmaker." I heard one of them say. Then, they their smiles turned
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to rather grim frowns. What? What was wrong, damnit?!
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"Those aren't Mentos, buddy. They're those cheap Lance Mento ripoffs!" one
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of them screamed. My heart jumped into my throat. No wonder they weren't
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working all day, they're not really Mentos!
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Next thing I knew, everything was moving in slow motion. The cops began
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firing at me, using all the firepower they had. They must have put holes in
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every part of my body. Luckily, I lived, but I'm paralyzed from the neck
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down, and I'm typing this from the hospital by twitching my eyebrows. It
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takes me about a week to type a full sentence, and it hurts like a bitch.
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As for what I did at the 7-11, they let me off. When the police came to
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question me at the hospital, I had my friend run down to the hospital store
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and get me some real Mentos. When they arrived at my room, I had Mentos all
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over. Bouquets made of Mentos. Mentos taped to the walls. Mentos sewed to
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my sheets. I was even wearing a hospital gown made of Mentos. Needless to
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say, all charges were dropped, and I'm essentially a free man. Well, judging
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by the immense pain in my eyebrows, it's time to take my medicine again. So,
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until next time, adios, and remember: Be prepared! - Carry Mentos wherever
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you go.
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Keep circulating the tapes.
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Push the button, Frank.
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