143 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
143 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
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____________________________
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\__ __ / ____/ \
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/ _/ ___/__ _/ \
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/ / \ / /
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/____/_____\________/________/
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"/<34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z"
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Proudly Presents:
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RED-001.TXT aka
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"The Plot to Kill Good Music"
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Written by Black Francis
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-[WARNING! DO NOT PROCEED WITHOUT READING!]-
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The following editoral is true, and if you don't agree with me, you're a
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fucking asshole. Thank you.
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Don't get me wrong. There is good music out there, but it's in serious
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need of some help. Someone out there is trying to put a stop to good music
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and, damnit, whether I find out who it is or not, I'm dragging you along for
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the ride.
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As I sit in front of the keyboard, fingers covered with that strange
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powdery substance on Doritos, and blasting The Pixies, I can only thank the
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big man above for letting some decent groups slip through undetected. But,
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unfortunately, that is not the majority. One by one, decent groups are
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falling victim to this most odd fate. I didn't really bug me until one day I
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was sitting in math, doodling on my notebook, when I hear the chicky behind me
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whistling a strangely familiar tune. I have heard the song before, but for
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some reason, I couldn't put my finger on it. Ok. That was it. I had to know
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what she was whistling, so I turned around and politely asked her, "What are
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you singing?"
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"Green Day." she said in her bimbo-ish tone of voice.
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"Oh. Ok. Uhm.. what song?" I asked again.
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"Uh.. Green Day." She replied. It looked to me like her head was about to
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explode from thinking too hard.
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"I know that. But what song? They have a lot of them, you know." I was
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just pushing it now. I could tell she was really thinking about it. I was
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afraid the sprinkler system was going to go off if she though about it any
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harder.
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"You know. Green Day.. by that group, Basket Case." she said. She looked
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extremely frustrated, so instead of torturing her for her stupidity, I simply
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chuckled and continued doodling.
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I guess it really hit me later while I was sitting at home feasting on a
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Snickers bar and watching Taz-Mania (So I watch cartoons.. got a problem with
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that, Sparky?) when my slightly younger (four year difference) sister comes
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skipping on through the front door singing Basket Case. I guess it only
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really bothered me because I had caught her the day before singing "This DJ"
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by Warren Dogg or whatever. Now, this doesn't seem right to me. I guess I
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should let her listen to whatever she wants and go on with my life but, for
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some reason, I can't. I tossed around the idea of pulling her aside and
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bombarding her with Green Day trivia, but the nice guy in me took over. I
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silently went into my room and began to brainstorm.
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WHO'S BEHIND THIS?! I sat back and thought about how many people I had heard over the week
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discussing the upcoming Nine Inch Nails concert and how good their seats were.
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Now wait... hold on a second. I can remember the days when the only people
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who listened to Nine Inch Nails were "headbangers!" What happened? Now John
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and Jane Gap have pit tickets to the NIN concert?! This must stop!
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Now I was beginning to get pissed off. In hopes of calming myself, I
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flicked on the tube. While channel surfing, it hit me. MTV. MTV!! That's
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it! It's all THEIR fault! They're the reason my little sister bought the new
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Soundgarden album! Damn them! After further research, it made perfectly good
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sense to me. I watched ol' MTV for a while (something I don't do often) and
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discovered their secret weapon for the death of good music! Buzz clips! Buzz
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clips and their little minions: Alternative Nation and 120 Minutes! See, Buzz
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clips are so evil because they take good music, put them at times when little
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kiddies and your average shmoe are watching, and play the hell out of them!
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A world where "Nirvana" is a household name is a world I'd rather not live in.
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It's times like these that make me wish rap was popular again.
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Now, I don't want to come off as saying something like, "I listened to
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these groups while they were still playing in the garage and only *I* should
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be able to listen to them!" because that's not what I'm saying at all. It's
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just that there's a shortage of good music already, yet now we have somebody
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trying to kill it by drilling it into everyone's head and making it become old
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and pass<73> before it really should. Stuff like Weezer should stay around
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forever because it's great music. When it becomes trendy, it becomes old
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fast and nobody wants it anymore... Which means people like me who really
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appreciate it won't be able to hear anymore of it either. Kinda like the
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Smurfs. They were cool as shit for a while and then, next thing you know,
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everyone had a Smurf! Then, they just weren't cool anymore. Damn, I miss
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Smurfs. Same thing with those freakin' Trolls, but I hate them anyway, so I
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don't give a shit. Well, next thing you know, my favorite groups are gonna be
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the next Smurfs.
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There's a major downfall to all this: we can't do anything about it! It's
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not like we can coerce MTV to stop playing it! Well, not me. I try to keep
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my sister away from good music as much as I can. It may sound drastic, but
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c'mon.. she has the new Boyz II Men album for crissakes. What makes you think
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I should lend her my Dinosaur Jr. albums?
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On a good note.. uhm.. uh.. nevermind. There isn't a good note. I guess
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we just have to see what happens. Maybe some psychopathic reader will go
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down to ol' MTV HQ and torch the place. <sigh>.. One can only hope (Don't
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try that at home, kids). But, until then, I guess I'll just sit back, pop
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the new Basket Case album in my stereo, and relax.
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Before I get on to my k-rad gr33tz, let me suggest a few good groups that have
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yet to be killed by MTV:
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Pavement, Superchunk, Compulsion, Velocity Girl, The Pixies, Jawbox, Frank
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Black, Teenage Fanclub, Rancid, Sugar, Catherine, Sebadoh, NOFX, The Sex
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Pistols (obviously), Guided By Voices, and the Gods of weirdness, Ween.
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Buy each one of the albums by each of the above mentioned or die a horrible
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death. Have a nice day.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Special added bonus! Will not harm pets! Leaves no odors! Greets galore!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I figured since this was my first released text file, and ReD's first
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release, I may as well throw out some greets before people get pissed off and
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start complaining, so, here goes:
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Archangel - I may suck, but you're stupid, and I can stop sucking any time
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I want while you're still stupid.. uh.. or something like that.
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Thunderstorm - I'll lend you a chicken.
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M0g3l - -<0|_|'/<3 s0 3|_i+3 4|\|/> -<0|_|/< b04rd +z 0-1 s3c0|\|/>!
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(Sorry if I screwed anything up, I'm just not as elite as you
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and I never will be <sob>)
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Dash - Thanks for everything you've done for me from day one.
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Velocity Girl - If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be listening to half these
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decent groups.
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Impact - Don't sit there, man.
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Morgana - Figured I may as well say hi since you made me look like a
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total wussy on my own board! Thanks, pal! That's what I get
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for being tribular, I guess.
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Spiff - Damned pit bastard. Thanks for the Pascal help.
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Liz Phair - I want your children.
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Steve Malkmus - You're a musical genius, and unfortunately, nobody but me
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thinks so. Keep up the good work.
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Frank Black - Thanks for providing some decent music that I can write to.
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The two Johns - The musical inspiration for my band, Mr. Green Jeans.
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* If you would like to be included in Black Francis's next greets, please *
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* send a SASE to: Put me in Black Francis's Greets, you lousy bastard *
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* c/o Sub-Culture BBS, (215)750-1782 *
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Keep circulating the tapes.
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