892 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
892 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
PETE AND BERNIES PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE.
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ISSUE 3, AND IT'S 1995 BY JINGO!
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Written and/Or inspired by:-
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D.L (that's me).
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Pee Wee Lee (he's a little guy with a big heart)
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Yoshi Tateshi (or something else I can't spell)
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Sven Spangler (He's a twatter, or rather not to date)
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Pete Murrey (of Murrey mint fame)
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Bernard Bressley (of Carry-on 'oaf' fame)
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Special guest star...
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Ben Ohmart
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Also staring...
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Pippa Henderson (as Connie the Maid)
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Foreword
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Well kiddies Christmas is over and I hope Satan bought you all what you
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wanted. I wanted a PPC upgrade for my LC475 but the bastard didn't bring me
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one, I also wanted Mariah Carey but she was off stealing babies and so I
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didn't have her. I don't ever fancy Mariah Carey, she reminds me too much
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of this guy who used to play Bass in a band I was in a few years ago.
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Well, our numbers are swelling and the subby's are still rolling in. SING
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HOSANNA!
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This issue will be jam packed with folly and I hope you like it.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article one: 6 American Gladiators pummelling a corpse with a oar.
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FILM STAR FACTS: This week it's Michael J Fox.
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1) Michael J Fox is the finger puppet of Satan.
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2) Michael is slowly regressing. He was born a fully grown man but will
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die a foetus.
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3) Michael loves nothing better than stroking the smooth scaly skin of a
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MantaRay.
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4) Michaels favourite sport is Tiny Discus. His favourite discus is made
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from the top of a Smarties tube and has the letter K on it. He once threw a
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Smartie top with the letter J on it but was dismayed to see it return,
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boomerang like, to him whilst striking a small child in it's course. This
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is an ongoing trauma to Michael.
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5) Michaels favourite sound is that of the men working in the chain gang.
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6) Michael expresses himself through a series of whine-like noises emitted
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through his nose.
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7) Michael's sister is none other than British tit sensation Samantha Fox.
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You may remember Samantha from her 1988 pop hit's 'Touch me (I want to feel
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your body)' and 'Jizz in my pubes (but the pant's stay on)'. She is now a
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successful zealot.
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8) Michael put his ear to his wall once only to hear a murder in the flat
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next door. When he went round there to tell them to keep it down he was
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dismayed to find John F. Kennedy shot dead and an unknown man (later
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identified as Burl Ives) with a big fancy gun in his hand. Michael phoned
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the police and they gave him a 10 dollar cash reward which he spent on
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cakes from a new cake shop which had just opened round the corner. And he
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has an unusual way of proving it.
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9) The J in Michael J fox stands for Jehovah.
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10) Michael got arrested once for syphoning dish water from a dead seagulls
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belly. It was a fair cop.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article two: A steam powered nose is OK John, but you'll never make a
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living from it.
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Things you never see on TV at Christmas....
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* Liza Minella being raped by a gang of Portuguese dwarfs.
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* Andie McDowell sitting on a Rabbi's head.
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* Michael Nymans Hyman.
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* A large building falling into the hands of a small child.
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* Russian police laughing at Nine Cats.
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* Douglas Barder wheeling himself into a burning building and emerging with
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nothing on but a tutu and blonde wig.
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* Keith Moon throwing paint at a crow.
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* Her Majesty the Queen spitting at a painting of Sting.
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* A 40ft clock which is permanently seven minutes fast.
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* Various crabs running to feed a cow.
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* An Eskimo staring spellbound at Carp.
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* A large man in a Blue leotard throwing midget's at a clown.
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* A painting of a fist next to a duck.
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* Five guys named Moe.
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* Ice Cube saying 'Flan' to a Jew.
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* David Hasslehoff being force fed girl scout cookies.
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* A large bag to 2 year old girls.
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I mean , what is wrong with TV in England, it's just so bloody crap!
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article three: I love children, physically if need be.
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Christmas parties are not neat, they are shit. It's always the same deal,
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you go, get messed up and leave feeling like a twat. It always starts off
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promising, you are suave and undrunk, but as you get drunker you start
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being a mite Len Fairclough and then things start getting out of hand.
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you think you are being cool but with hindsight you realise this is not the
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case, it's like 'HEY I LIKE YOUR DRESS!!' and the girl looks at you and
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goes '???????' and starts backing off like she's just entered a room full
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of Alien Cacoons. We are all no good with pick up lines though, at parties
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we try to be so supercool but we have NO FUCKING IDEA. And it's always the
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way that the girls who try to dance with you are dog ugly and the ones who
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don't want to know are really cute and you end up shunning the ugly ones at
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the beginning of the evening but by the end you think that all the girls
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look good because you're really really pissed and you end up with a really
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ugly girl and then you get nowt anyway and we don't really expect it
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because we're not like that but when we're drunk we can't help but want to
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have sex and if, by some fucking miracle, we did get to have sex we'd be so
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drunk that we wouldn't be able to do owt.
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The worst part of Christmas parties is the following day when you realise
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just how much of a twat you were. the previous evening everything seemed
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just dandy, you were thinking how suave and sophisticated you were, but
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when you think back on it the next day you see it with brutal clarity. And
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if you see anyone else you met at the party on the street at any time in
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the following 3 weeks you must avoid them because even though you can't
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remember too much you just know that they would have been taking notes or
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something and will be able to give you a detailed, blow-by-blow, account of
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just how much of an asshole you really were.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Four: Piggie KILL
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Sideburns are shitty and I'd never have them. I shave off my sideburns but
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if I had to grow them I'd definitely go for the Dr. Phibes all-the-way
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under the chin double-flange arc sweep style. None of my friends have
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sideburns except Richie who used to have double-humperdink one-inchers
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which looked a bit silly.
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Of course another ideal solution would be the Graham Gardner pork-chop
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semi-split 2-way-binge-burn style.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Five: Michael Douglas caught propping up a pie with gum.
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FACTS FOR YOU TO SAVOUR- They're interesting, informative, and
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fundamentally wrong.
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* The three most known words in the world are 'Coke', 'Beatles', and
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'Vague'.
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* the fastest animal known to man is the aardvark.
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* Douglas Barder is the Holiest man in Britain.
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* Film 'mogul' Otto Preminger has the largest collection of latex in the
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world.
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* Light is seven times faster then soap.
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* Ketchup is made from a mixture of ants blood and vinyl.
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* Bruce Forsyth invented sound.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Six: Grown Men in love with insects.
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INTERNET: Corruptor of children.
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The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the
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'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is
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flourishing. Dr Keith Thisstlewaite, our resident expert in all matters
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pornographic, takes a look at the way the new technology will set out to
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corrupt our youth and, possibly, destroy life on earth as we love it.
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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(Exclusive extracts from 'Internet:Corrupter of society', published by
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Faber and Faber, <20>19.95, available in shops now)
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The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the
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'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is
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flourishing. For the last week I have been looking very hard at pornography
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on the internet and my findings are sure to shock Dad's everywhere.
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USERNET NEWGROUP GROUPS- The starting point for any pornography sick hunter
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of flesh will undoubtedly be Usernet groupnews news (or WWW for short).
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Here you will be confronted with images so sick that it would not be fair
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for me to describe any of these shit-in-the-mouth, donkey-dick-up-a-girls-
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arse type pictures all of which are a simple click away. With sick
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Usenewsgroups such as:
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Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.donkeys.dicks
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Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.drinking.monkey.piss
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Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.shitting.in.blokes.mouths.
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Parents can't help but feel week and sick. If the abundance of sicko porn
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on the useusenewsuse groups isn't enough for these sick men then the next
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step is what's referred to by perverts as FPT sites....
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PFT sites: It is believed that there are over 120,000 hardcore,cum-in-hand,
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porno TCP sites on the internet. These sites can be accessed by children as
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young as 5 and contain some of the worst examples of degradation known to
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man, all at the push of a button. You would think that with all this
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pornography that these PTP sites would try and keep quiet about their wares
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but the truth is far more sinister. With one simple post, asking for
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addresses of such shite, to the USENEWS group
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alt.binaries.pictures.cartoons, I received literally thousands of replies
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detailing the exact whereabouts of somewhere in the region of 900 hardcore
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FTF sites. Shocking. Within an hour I had 'downloaded' over 500 pictures,
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that's 1000 megabits of shame, which I immediately printed out and took to
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my local police station for further action. Suffice it to say that within
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the hour the police had arrested the perverts responsible and seized over
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9000 floppy dicks full of these sick images.
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So where is this technology leading us? To the very core of hades. I
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believe that without some legislation, or even better simply cutting the
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internet up with big wire-clippers, the world will end by the year 1997 at
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the latest. Think about it. ACT NOW. Stop these perverts while you can. but
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how? you ask. Simple, nip this sick wave of electronic porn in the bud,
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kill the bastards responsible and anyone you find partaking. This is the
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only way we can beat it.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Seven: Falling to the floor with mutton in my hand, treated like
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Kermit.
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Barbie rocks, Sindy's Shit. This may seem like a pretty fucking sweeping
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statement I'm making and you may wish me to justify my feelings. The
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situation is this, Barbie is cute and has a long graceful neck but Sindy
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has a shorter neck and a square head and that shit isn't attractive it's
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diabolical. Ken is a twat and I'm not saying that because I'm jealous at
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all I'm just saying it because it's true. Barbie has only made 2 big
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mistakes
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1)The glitter hair look. This is the 90's honey, one look at your glitter
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hair and you'd think it was the early 80's again.
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2)Bedtime Barbie. the Barbie I know doesn't wear a pink sleeping bag to
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bed, she wears pyjamas, preferably black silk, so put away your fucking
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sleeping bag Barbie and get on those sexy things I bought you.
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Apart from Bedtime Barbie and The glitter hair look Barbie has always had
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her finger on the pulse of fashion and for that she must be thanked....
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-----------------------------
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Dear Barbie,
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Hi, I am a big fan of your, how you say, cute bunny ass. You rock bitch and
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here in Oslo we love your sexy looks for a sexy look doll you rock bunny-
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honey. How you come over to Oslo and meet your many fan, we lick you bunny
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ass and spread your bunny legs honey and we make you have sex with ken, at
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gunpoint, in the Barbie camper van,it's so big.
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We love your baby plastic titties, they are so small and they look like 10
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year girl but we like plastic titties with no nipples like your Barbie
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titties we love so much.
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Please you write me letter and I use it for masturbation purposes and my
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friends and we all have satan dance round letter and kill children for use
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please you do?
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Love
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Sven Spangler.
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Oslo.
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----------------
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Dear SvvEn,
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Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but
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please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite
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doll.
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You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring
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out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will
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enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes.
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Yours sincerely,
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Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie)
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Head of Marketing,
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Barbie Division.
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Mattell toys inc.
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---------------------
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Dear Barbie,
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I have written letter you and sent but you not answer me and bitch Kelly
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Anderson she write for you and I want you write me or I kill Kelly bitch
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for stopping you write.
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I love you much Barbie and I think you not read my letter I sent and I told
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you I wanted to meet you and you are pretty and I love you but Kelly bitch
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make me angry and I tell friends and we dance satan round fire and say
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'Kelly Anderson she die' a thousand times and she die?
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you write back to me personally and I come to see you and not I kill you.
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Love,
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Sven Spangler.
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Oslo.
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----------------------
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Dear SvvEn,
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Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but
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please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite
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doll.
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You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring
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out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will
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enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes.
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Yours sincerely,
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Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie)
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Head of Marketing,
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Barbie Division.
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Mattell toys inc.
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------------------------
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Kelly Bitch,
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You stop writing me and let Barbie write me or I kill you.
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Svven Spangler,
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Oslo.
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--------------------------
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Dear SvvEn,
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Hello. I'm barbie. I got your letter. I love you. You are my best fan. You
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wrote to Kelly. She's my friend. Please don't write to her anymore. I am
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very busy. Please don't write to me anymore. Please. FOR GODS SAKE LEAVE US
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ALONE!
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Barbie doll.
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----------------------------
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Dear Barbie,
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I leave you alone alright, in you grave. You don't fuck with me, I the
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Meatrack master. You must die and Kelly bitch, she die too. I come to get
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you Barbie Bitch. You don't and mess me and I get so very angry and the
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voices they start and I kill you.
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Sven,
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Oslo.
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-----------------------------
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Sven,
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As the legal representatives for Mattell Toys inc it is our duty to inform
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you that your letters harassing Miss Kelly Anderson, an employee of Mattell
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Toys inc, have been filed safely and will be used in evidence against you
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should you persist in writing letters of this kind.
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I must warn you that the offence you are committing is a serious one and
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may result in severe fines, or even a stretch in jail. We trust that you
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would not want this situation to go on any longer and are therefor sure
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that all correspondence to Miss Anderson will stop henceforth.
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Your sincerely,
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M.T.Cockburn,
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Gangtire and Brown,
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New York.
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----------------------
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Mr. Cockburn,
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I no write more. I'm sorry. I will kill you not and not Barbie and not
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Kelly bitch.
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Sven.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Eight: Anna Chlumsky with a smile and a prosthetic dick.
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Here are 5 surefire ways of getting the sack (you know, from work and that)
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* Rape your bosses daughter. Or better yet rape your boss.
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* Run into an important meeting and shout to your boss 'It's your wife and
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kids.....they're DEAD!' and then run into the corner of the room and
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gyrate.
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* Order 400 boxes of expensive Chocolates on the consumable budget and fill
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his office with them with a note saying 'from an admirer' and a picture of
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you in the nude with a large erection (unless you are female in which case
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a picture of Bill Clintons head superimposed onto the body of a priest (or
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something))
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* Steal a company car and crash it in a ditch with a note blaming your
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boss.
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* Use your bosses PC to FTP to a hardcore site and then leave it overnight
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downing every file they have. When your boss arrives in the morning be in
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his offices wanking over them, tell him what you've done and then invite
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him to join you for a gangwank.
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That should do the trick....
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article nine: Men desperate to disguise their shiny scalp.
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We have noticed that P&B has gone right downhill as of about two articles
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ago and we would like to get it back on it's feet again. You will be aware
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by now that the distribution has increased, and in return fir this we want
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to offer you more. In order to do this, however, we need to know what type
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of things you want us to organize. Accordingly we would appreciate you
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taking the time to fill in this questionnaire.
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Here is a list of the types of events we have thought about organizing.
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Please indicate which ones you would be interested in (mark as many as you
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like):
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Silly sport's day (It's a knockout) ________
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All day ice skating ________
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Ten pin bowling ________
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Skittles ________
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Talking loudly at geese ________
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Demonstrations against injustices ________
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Craft fair/sale/jamboree ________
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Various all-star extravaganza's ________
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Theatre trips: Musicals ________
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Comedy ________
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Drama ________
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Live sex shows ________
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Mass suicide ________
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Badger bating ________
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Games of soggy biscuit ________
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Swimming in piss ________
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Dances: Disco ________
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Barn dancing ________
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Moshing ________
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Cheese evenings ________
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Cock fights ________
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We are considering the possibility of perhaps buying some items of perhaps
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DIY or sports equipment maybe for hire to readers on the cheap perhaps.
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Do you think this is a fucking dope idea? YES/NO
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If so please let us know which items you would find useful
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Carpet/upholstery cleaner ________
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Paint stripper ________
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Barbecue ________
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Baseball bat's ________
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Whores ________
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Winged mammals ________
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Would you consider becoming part of Europes biggest porno mag
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library? YES/NO
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Isn't P&B the biggest pile of toss you've ever seen? YES/NO
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Thankyou for taking the time to fill in this questionnaire, please E-Mail
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it to someone (NOT US) who may be intensely confused by receiving it in
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their mailbox.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article ten:......
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Mr Ben Ohmart, who you should remember from the short story last issue.
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Mailed us another one and I like his short stories so here is the new one.
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I feel I must warn you that it's not like the other articles in this E-Zine
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(but if you read last issue you'll know just what to expect)....
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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So Silky
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by ben ohmart
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I was watching as she finished up, "- great hair. Go out and get it."
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Then she smiled for years going on days, but I still didn't like that fleck
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of white that was gracing her cheek. Moving around. Looking some kind of
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nomadic pimple that you can't even squirt. A speck of light. I told the
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director she looked like a Crawford slut-alike (who herself was coasting on
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Marilyn Monroe's facial disfigurement with that huge black mole; a black
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mole in space, ha, ha), but he said he liked the take, and what am I? Just
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a guy moves the lights back and forth. A nobody with the kind of opinion
|
||
that makes you feel like a bus driver. Always the same route. Never go
|
||
where you want.
|
||
So the bitch got up, and creased her cheeks because you've got to get
|
||
like 10 to 15 full seconds of smiling at the end so that editors and tv
|
||
programmers have something to cut, so I knew her smile had cut into the
|
||
bone.
|
||
Matter of fact, she was bleeding in the cushion of the best white towels on
|
||
the market. The kind that feel like tissues but you wouldn't wipe your ass
|
||
on them. She went back to her cart. A mobile job that worked on a battery
|
||
and had lit mirrors and powder cakes of some kind of sizes. Strange. Looked
|
||
real bulky on that cart, as she lifted out. Matter of fact, the fucking
|
||
thing was making all kinds of whirring noises I just didn't understand
|
||
right then, like there was more weight on it than usual, as she went to the
|
||
trailer that was hers for the weekend shoot. She still had some close-ups
|
||
to do, but the director needed a whack off, and told everyone "Coffee!"
|
||
I got the power cable finally. Did the adjustment, because what my
|
||
"boss" didn't see for the next shot, he wouldn't care about. But that damn
|
||
spot of light... well, I had to fix it. Then, when I was working, did I
|
||
hear, like everybody else, the scream. And you know it's not a sound stage,
|
||
because they Always close them things up when the shooting starts. For some
|
||
reason, didn't sound like a shot to me.
|
||
Police kept us till the sun changed with the moon. Union says we go
|
||
off payroll at 7, and I don't have a life. I traded off to be kept a
|
||
"material hearer" for a gaffer who needed to get home who now owed me a
|
||
favor, so I told them 23 times what I heard, what I saw when I opened the
|
||
trailer. Gave them my motive, which was nothing, gave them my opportunity,
|
||
but too many people saw me from around the desert cart which was I don't
|
||
know where, since it moves all the time. Still I'll never forget the look
|
||
of that mega-model's bloody scalp. It was a joke some just don't get. I
|
||
mean, the red brains were just flaking off, and there'd be specks of
|
||
cartilage or something dripping down when they moved her onto the corpse
|
||
cart, except she wasn't dead. Mumbling. I remember wishing horror movies
|
||
could've been this realistic.
|
||
They won't.
|
||
I told my "version" to the guy in the tie who arrived sipping coffee.
|
||
They called it my version 'cause some of the other riggers, and a black
|
||
cameraman who kept saying he was Real disinterested but still stuck his
|
||
nose around, they kept changing their stories slightly as the night wore
|
||
them on. Eyes sagging or bagging, but I would usually work through the
|
||
night. I was used to this kinda shit. When you're paid to make night seem
|
||
like day, you get to know the moon intimate. I wasn't tired, and kept my
|
||
story the same. Damn shame, 'cause then I was the first let go.
|
||
Got back to the shack, really my library of lightbulbs and wires that
|
||
nobody can ground but myself, but the attic was feeling cold. Couldn't get
|
||
the sight of the supermodel out of my head, because I'd heard about the
|
||
others. Shirley MacLaine had lost hers. And I'm not being sexual. Then
|
||
somebody called Vanity, though I really doubt this one even Exists, because
|
||
I've never seen her. Then Miss Playboy for Jan. '89. Never touched the
|
||
twat, and only 1 was dead from it. Don't really remember which, but the
|
||
fact that they'd All been scalped for some reason drove me to no thoughts.
|
||
Had to go out to fill my head. I was suppose to be working on this flying
|
||
saucer model that lights up when it crashes into a kid's head. Had the foam
|
||
mask of the child from the horror film sittin' right here, to compare to,
|
||
to see if it fits. But I couldn't concentrate, went down, had a beer and a
|
||
slab of canned ham, couldn't get the awful truth out of my head.
|
||
Los Angeles is something hard to figure out when you see it in the
|
||
dark. The streetlights suck for that eerie effect, and if there's a
|
||
principal between lights, you're screwed. So I couldn't see a single
|
||
drunken face. One of LA's many respected citizens. I call 'em that 'cause
|
||
they're paid to stay on the streets, and I think that's mighty white of the
|
||
government. They think a lot of them.
|
||
I remember the smell, and thinking "this doesn't smell like death.
|
||
Doesn't smell like homeless." So I remember pausing for a few minutes for
|
||
them to get it right. Bastards didn't even try.
|
||
Park was great at this hour, because it felt deadly. I mean Really.
|
||
The fog of the early morning was like a sweat over the whole congregation
|
||
that was here. You couldn't go past an empty bench. Thought I saw a raped
|
||
girl in the bushes, but, you know, ha, ha, that's what I say is great 'bout
|
||
lighting! Wasn't anything there at all!
|
||
Though in all honesty, there was a couple of dangerous guys over to
|
||
the left of a clump of trees, sitting in a landscaped flower bed, chewing
|
||
on the leg of a dog that was still moving from loss of blood. Dog had a
|
||
collar that glimmered to me something as I passed. One of those cute names
|
||
ending in Y, like Fluffy, though that's cliche nowadays, but I could just
|
||
visualize the red face of the little girl, waiting up for a dog that
|
||
wouldn't come home. Or if it does, limps all the way in. That's drama. Now
|
||
that's drama, and I had to appreciate it.
|
||
The path went along, longer than I expected, except that I didn't
|
||
really need to get back. I'd locked the door, I was heading in the studio's
|
||
direction anyway. You get to the studio earlier, you can parlay more jobs
|
||
by jacking off people's egos. Even if My "boss" wasn't going to be in till
|
||
after 6:30, I could still get some supplemental income. Was then I passed
|
||
the nest. Looked interesting. More than that. Made me stop. The guy just
|
||
looked at me.
|
||
I could see his turds all around, like some kind of zoo, but I've
|
||
personally always found people much more interesting.
|
||
"Fag?" he asked with an English accent, and held out his hand. I
|
||
shook my head. What else could I do? He was perfectly lit, and I could see
|
||
the scalps, the fresh, most time blackened hair sets that kept him from
|
||
being literally on the street.
|
||
|
||
-------------------------------------------
|
||
The end.... Thanks Ben.
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
|
||
Article eleven: Incredibly strange people marching to glory.
|
||
|
||
There is this new book out called 'How to make love all night' but don't
|
||
bother buying it! In this article I will give you all the advice you need
|
||
to 'fuck' all night.
|
||
So, Lads, you're out on the piss and you get pulled by a lady and she drags
|
||
you back to her flat and you know that she wants sex. What happens now is
|
||
you simply make your excuses and go to the bathroom, you may be some time
|
||
so tell her you have the shits or something. When you get to her toilet
|
||
beat off and shoot it all out. Then go back to her and if, by half an hours
|
||
time, you still haven't had sex simply go back to the bathroom and shoot
|
||
vinegar again. Then when the sex commences you will have no 'sperm' to
|
||
'ejaculate' and will therefor be able to maintain your sexual prowess for
|
||
hours. In the following days she will still live in hope that your
|
||
performance will be matched while you go back to your 'five minute shuffle'
|
||
pre-vinegar shot routine.Simply.
|
||
But what advice do we have for the ladies? Simple, just lay there and
|
||
pretend, blokes are gullible bastards.
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article Twelve: Bottom toys!
|
||
|
||
THE FILMS OF MARTY WILDE.
|
||
|
||
MARTY GOES BANANAS (1903)
|
||
This hilarious spoof of the day has Marty pitting his wits, again. They
|
||
love 'em all and in one sense he eats. Not for the squeamish, this film,
|
||
directed by none other. You'll laugh one minute, laugh the next, but in the
|
||
end you'll only cry as this film get's worse and then better and then a bit
|
||
worse. Again.
|
||
Love him or hate him, or simply have no opinion of him you can't help but
|
||
feel for Marty going banana's in the bahamas.
|
||
|
||
THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF MARTY WILDE (1881)
|
||
Why did the vicar cross the road? To see this film. This is the best of a
|
||
bad crop, but still miles better than many other films on the big screen
|
||
today. Who would ever believe that from such a humble origin Marty would
|
||
rise like a phoenix only to die very shortly afterwards. A good film, sort
|
||
of.
|
||
|
||
MARTY AND THE CASE OF THE MISTAKEN IDENTITY (1988)
|
||
Marty was good in this film, but nice hair as well, mmmm.
|
||
Critics were derided. This film was a flop. Critics walked out of the
|
||
cinema in a straight line and panned. Marty's fans were most surprised to
|
||
see marty in their bathrooms with a can of beans, and arthritis too.
|
||
A very poor film with a subliminal message. I don't repeat.
|
||
|
||
MARTY GET'S A NICE CAR (12BC)
|
||
In this film Marty goes one stage further, with hilarious consequences in
|
||
his pocket, in his lifetime, and in trouble.
|
||
We love you Marty, we do, Oh Marty we love you, critics were heard to cry,
|
||
but to no avail, Marty had had enough. Too much, too soon, I'm afraid, So
|
||
was Marty, but of what indeed? Marty was second to some, top to others, and
|
||
bottom to all. Indeed.
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article Thirteen: Leonard Cohen in padded Y-Front shame.
|
||
|
||
STAR INTERVIEW: This month its... WHITNEY HOUSTON!
|
||
|
||
P&B: Hi Whitney!
|
||
|
||
Whitney: Hello.
|
||
|
||
P&B: It's great to get this interview with you.
|
||
|
||
WH: It's great to be back in the UK.
|
||
|
||
P&B: So, when in the UK where do you hang out?
|
||
|
||
WH: Well, I love to see all the sites in London.
|
||
|
||
P&B: Do you go to Soho?
|
||
|
||
WH: No, not really?
|
||
|
||
P&B: Well, it's sleazy, you wouldn't want to go there. We hang out there
|
||
all the time, in peep shows and strip joints. They're OK but the beer is
|
||
pretty expensive. I heard you used to be a stripper.
|
||
|
||
WH: No, where did you hear that?
|
||
|
||
P&B: I think Darren told me, but he's pretty sick anyway. He has this
|
||
really sick sex fantasy about you. It involves jumping from the roof of a
|
||
church with a Monocle on his left eve and landing on your naked corpse.
|
||
He's a sick little fucking monkey.
|
||
|
||
WH:......................................................................................................................................
|
||
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
|
||
...............................(approx. 7 to 10 minutes
|
||
silence)............................................
|
||
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
|
||
|
||
P&B: Whitney. WHITNEY! Are you still there? (I think she put the phone
|
||
down)
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article Fourteen:Falling to the floor with a goose in my hand, treated like
|
||
marzipan.
|
||
|
||
TELEVISION: FROM IT'S INCEPTION TO PRESENT.
|
||
Television is part of our everyday life, and it's importance looks set to
|
||
increase during the later years of the 20th Century. Not only can
|
||
Television be used as a learning aid for the young but it is also an
|
||
important reference point for generation after generation. Most events in
|
||
our lives can be matched to specific events, be it fact or fiction, which
|
||
we discovered through this great medium. News also reaches our homes very
|
||
quickly with the aid of television.
|
||
The Concept of televisual communication is a simple one. The television
|
||
screen is made u of many little dot's called pixels, which each display a
|
||
different colour and when all these pixels are together on the same screen
|
||
we can see the whole image. Television images are generated from
|
||
transmitters, scattered around the country, and these signals are picked up
|
||
by your ariel on the top of your house, sent down a cable in code until
|
||
they reach your television screen, or CRT, where they are decoded and shown
|
||
in a coherent form which we can all comprehend, that of crab.
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article fifteen: If I had a hammer, I'd hammer at 3:30 against a priests
|
||
foot.
|
||
|
||
QUEST FOR PERFECT LOVE (parts 1-3)
|
||
We were in Spain and we were playing pool. It was me and gary and this girl
|
||
came out on the balcony in her underwear and started to dance
|
||
provocatively. You know these bands they have at cheapo hotels in Spain.
|
||
They always play 'Quondo Quondo Quondo' 'Quantanamera' and any other songs
|
||
beginning with 'QU'. So they were playing 'A kind of magic' by Queen and
|
||
this girl came out and started dancing provocatively. Like shimmying and
|
||
shit. And she was a lot older than us and really cute but I thought that I
|
||
would like to meet her. So, by counting up what floor she was on I
|
||
determined the number of her room to be 59 or something. however, I told
|
||
Gary and we laughed.
|
||
Later that night.....
|
||
We go to the pub, it's called Rocky's and it's one of those English pubs
|
||
over in Majorca that they have. And Gary and I had already had about 4
|
||
Whiskys wen we got there at 11:00. 3:00 in the morning and Gary has passed
|
||
out in the Pub's toilet and I'm settling the tab (about a tenner). So I
|
||
hoist up Gary and we leave. He sobers up a bit and we stagger down the road
|
||
and, eventually, get back to the hotel room. We are both very trousered. I
|
||
pick up my video camera and proceed to film the carnage when I have the
|
||
boos idea of finding the balcony girls room.
|
||
So....I'm walking along the corridor in the hotel filming, and trying to
|
||
find her room and I think I find it and I'm shouting and shit and I don't
|
||
know whether I have woken her up or not but I don't care. I go back to the
|
||
hotel room and fall into bed and sleep.
|
||
There is no next day.
|
||
The day after that when we wake up we decide not to go back to Rocky's and
|
||
spend the rest of the holiday in the bar at the hotel. I never saw the girl
|
||
again and I would expect that I am lucky that her boyfriend didn't kill me
|
||
because I was making a lot of noise outside her room. The funny thing is, I
|
||
have video evidence to substantiate my claims! So I was waiting to play
|
||
pool and this little spanish girl comes over and gives me the cue. She
|
||
looks up at me and I melt. I was in love. The only minor problem was I was
|
||
19 and she was about 12. But trust me it wasn't a sexual thing, probably.
|
||
So I tell Gary and he laughs and cannot believe it. So I refer to her as
|
||
chocolate because I don't know her name and she made me melt, and her eyes
|
||
were chocolate brown. So I want to see her again but I don't know where she
|
||
is and she has too go to bed about 9 I would guess because that's when her
|
||
mum came to get her. So I see her a couple of times and these young English
|
||
boys are hanging out around her and I am angry with them but her mum comes
|
||
to get her, and she hands me the cue again and I gaze into her big brown
|
||
eyes and her mum shouts at her in spanish and they leave.
|
||
So there is this outside pool table and Gary and I are playing pool and
|
||
these real Spanish Guido's want to play and they think they are so cool but
|
||
Gary and I are drunk and they challenge us. They are cueing for about 10
|
||
minutes and taking it all really seriously but Gary and I are just joking
|
||
about and pulling off the most futile but successful shots ever. And we
|
||
win, big time and they are not pleased because Gary and I are laughing all
|
||
the time and being really stupid but they are very serious and these
|
||
Spanish girls are leaning out of their bedroom window being flirty with us
|
||
and I think they wanted us to film them, so I point my camcorder up at them
|
||
and they start to flirt, and I like this and so does Gary but the other
|
||
guys don't and later on when we go to bed we talk about them and say that
|
||
we should try to chat them up the following day. And so we go out the next
|
||
morning to the town centre to see if we can buy some records, but I don't
|
||
have much money, which is a shame. But we pass the girls in reception and
|
||
they all have not very nice teeth but they have nice bodies and black hair
|
||
and they are cutting a dash. And they look at us and I think that we are
|
||
on, but I am a bit reluctant because I have a girlfriend back in England
|
||
(this was 4 years ago) so I don't make a play. And the tour rep sees us and
|
||
hassles us because the day after we got there we were supposed to be going
|
||
to one of these meetings where they tell you about what great excursions
|
||
you could go on, but we don't show because we can't be arsed so she put a
|
||
note under the door telling us to go to the next meeting and we didn't show
|
||
at that one either for the same reason so this day she grabs us and starts
|
||
to get arsey and we realise that we had better go because if we don;t she
|
||
will not help us f we get in the shit which is, after all, what she is paid
|
||
to do so we tell her we will go to the next one. And that was on the next
|
||
day. So the next day comes and we haul our arses out of bed and actually go
|
||
to this meeting thing and she sits there and talks for about 30 minutes and
|
||
we decide to go on one of the trips so we pay he. But we only decide to go
|
||
because we think that what she is saying, the way she was saying it, was
|
||
very amusing so we laugh a lot because we have paid to go on this trip and
|
||
also make her like us. But it means we have to get up and about 8 in the
|
||
morning in a couple of days time. And we keep joking because she was saying
|
||
about this boat ride 'Oh, and then the boat turns the corner, and...'(and
|
||
this is in a broad Yorkshire accent, and trying to really build up a
|
||
tension), 'Well...what you see then, well I won't tell you but it'll take
|
||
your breath away' an I turn to Gary and say 'yeh, it's Mr. Wimpy giving a
|
||
blow job to Charlie Brown' and we laugh. And lot's of the time we talk
|
||
about Charlie Brown and Mr. Wimpy. And we think that Charlie Brown is the
|
||
sexiest cartoon character because his mouth is so sexy and we think that.
|
||
And so we go to this meeting and pay the lady our money and I still think
|
||
that she doesn't like us because we never bothered to go to any of her
|
||
other meetings but we looked around and there were not many cute girls
|
||
there and it was called the Hotel Lancaster and they had a 'Miss Lancaster'
|
||
competition and Gary and I wanted to see it so that we could check out the
|
||
girls but we didn't go in the end and I think we went to the pub instead or
|
||
went to watch the football. They were showing the football in the TV room
|
||
and it was the world cup semi finals and England were up against Germany
|
||
and we sat there and it was a lot of German people and a lot of English
|
||
people and we were all shouting and going crazy and things were going amok
|
||
and it was a very good time and we pretended that we knew all about
|
||
football but the fact is we didn't but we pretended like we did. So we are
|
||
sitting there shouting along England and all the Germans are going crazy
|
||
because, of course, they wanted Germany to win, and we were dismayed when
|
||
they did, though it was very close. So we decide to go to the pub but we
|
||
know that the next day we have to go on this trip and so we get an early
|
||
night. And we go to bed but we keep joking with each other about things and
|
||
it ends up that at 6 in the morning we get an alarm call but we are still
|
||
awake so we decide to go out and get something to eat and some cigarettes
|
||
because I didn't have any and so was forced to smoke the butts in out
|
||
ashtray. And we go out but all the shops are shut and so we can't get any
|
||
food or drink or cigarettes but the man in reception let us buy a packet of
|
||
crisps and in Spain the packets of crisps are really big and we get the
|
||
crisps and eat them all up but it leaves our mouths very dry and in the end
|
||
time comes to go outside and get on the bus and go on the excursion.
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article sixteen: Brilliant whites at a price that'll fuck you up.
|
||
|
||
Well, you know Jazz mags? (porno mags for those who didn't read last
|
||
issue). Well, if you actually read them you will know that a lot of the
|
||
text in them is mind-buggeringly funny. This article is a collection of my
|
||
favourite quotes from Porno mags, our female readers may be amused as they
|
||
probably don't read 'em, I find them funny anyway. (p) stands for 'Phone
|
||
sex line advertisement' and may have some further description of the ad
|
||
where necessary, (a) stands for other advertisement, (s) is for story or
|
||
article. Here goes....
|
||
|
||
* "These furless minxes are ready to except your seed"-Phone sex ad.
|
||
|
||
* "Untamed Nympho munches macho stud meat"-mag cover
|
||
|
||
* "Give the gift of Snizz"-Mag subscription offer.
|
||
|
||
*"YOU pick the hole, I'm in no position to argue with you"-Phone sex ad.
|
||
|
||
*"I just come to USA, Want big boom boom"-Oriental phone sex ad.
|
||
|
||
*"Polish my bootie!!"-Phone sex ad.
|
||
|
||
*"I love to rub my love nub while I talk nasty to you on the phone. Call me
|
||
and shoot your cum on my chest and I'll lick it up. YUM!!"-Phone sex ad.
|
||
|
||
*"Not justa horny experience but also an unusual, beautiful, and moving
|
||
one"-Ad for 'Pregnant love' Video.
|
||
|
||
*"These are the horniest Grannies in Europe and they're out to prove it"-
|
||
Ad for 'Granny sex' Video.
|
||
|
||
*"Our girls are sordid, filthy, tarts. They will use words like prick, nob,
|
||
wank, cunt, and fuck until you've spunked all over your hand!"-Phone sex
|
||
ad.
|
||
|
||
*"Depravity knows no bounds"-Ad for 'Heavy leather' magazine.
|
||
|
||
*"Vampire lesbian sucked my cock"-Ad for phone sex.
|
||
|
||
*"Marina is a 28 year old dark haired Polish girl with several long hairs
|
||
on her breasts"- Video ad.
|
||
|
||
*"She's beautiful (don't believe me, take a close look at her)"-Video ad.
|
||
|
||
*"I love to drink lot's of water and wet my panties"-PHone ad.
|
||
|
||
*" BANGED UP AND WANKED"-Phone ad.
|
||
|
||
*" Oyster Joyster"-Phone ad.
|
||
|
||
etc...
|
||
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
Article seventeen: A 14 necked dwarf being thrown at Berlin.
|
||
|
||
So that's the end again. As you can see, the 25 article ideal is dead for
|
||
good now. A short issue? No shorter than issue one but a bit shorter than
|
||
issue two.
|
||
Other stuff you should know- The next issue will be posted from a new E-
|
||
mail address so I may have to send one or two test messages to sort it out
|
||
before it all works but I'll try and keep it to a minimum of two.
|
||
If anyone wants to 'rap' for a while I (and possibly Pee-Wee) will be on
|
||
IRC (irc.demon.co.uk) on the 15th January 1995 at 10:00-11:00 pm GMT in the
|
||
channel 'pab', I'll be on as pete (as I usually am) so why not stop by and
|
||
chat about 'stuff'.
|
||
Any articles you want to send me should now come to the new address which
|
||
is...
|
||
|
||
DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK
|
||
|
||
I pretty much need some articles so if anyone wants to write anything then
|
||
that would be great.
|
||
Look out for a mention of PAB in '.Net' Magazine in the UK in January as I
|
||
wrote some stuff for it but don't know to what extent my contribution will
|
||
be included, I'll get a plug for PAB though so that's good, and at best my
|
||
full article will be included (and it looks pretty good at the moment).
|
||
|
||
The WEB page, provisionally titled 'Pete and Bernies Philosophical web
|
||
page' (or 'Fish, fur, and feathers' if Darren gets his way) should be up
|
||
sometime in January and will be 'all that', more info next issue as I'm
|
||
working on the web page as I write.
|
||
|
||
Also look out for an on-line interview with me (DL), PeeWee, and Svven in
|
||
the next issue of 'zone'. 'zone' is an E-Zine I think but it may be a paper
|
||
zine I'm not sure. If you know what 'zone' is then look for it but the full
|
||
interview will be on the web page, sorry to be vague.
|
||
|
||
Also keep an eye open for two new E-Zines I'm currently working on which
|
||
will be out in February. Ones called 'Psychobabble' and is basically a
|
||
collection of press cuttings I found to be scary in a manipulating sense,
|
||
and 'Uncle Boulans mini golf heaven' which is a collection of
|
||
Autobiographical stuff people will (hopefully) send in.
|
||
Check ALT.ZINES for further info and they will also be plugged in Jan's
|
||
'.Net' (I hope).
|
||
|
||
I also hope to post a mini-issue (Issue 3.5) to ALT.ZINES as a taster and
|
||
really an extended ad for the zine. I wont send it to subscribers though,
|
||
if you want it check the newsgroup late January.
|
||
|
||
Anyway, enough plugs (etc), and I'll see you next month.
|
||
Later!
|
||
D.L
|
||
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
||
|