737 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
737 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
PETE AND BERNIE'S PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE
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VOL 1, ISSUE 1.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Written or inspired by:-
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Sven Spangler (scumpiggy)
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Pee-Wee (Mr. Unreliable)
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D.L (The nicest kind of wife killer)
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Chief MÕBinki (Caretaker to the famous corpse of Charles 1st)
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Foreword:
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You know I really cannot be bothered.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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First article: Gimme some wood, and IÕll build you a cabinet.
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The genealogy of Oates (out of Hall and Oates)
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Kenneth had two sons, one was called Keith, one was called Don.
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Don got married to a lovely lady called Maxine
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Don and Maxine had a daughter called Martina, she had one leg, a limp,
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and a smile.
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Martina got married to a one armed man, like out of the fugitive or
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something. They BORE no child. So that buggered up things a bit.
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Keith, on the other hand, got married to Clare, the cleaner. Clare's skin
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was pure and she had a cute elfin smile, mmmm.
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Clare and Keith had 2 children, one died in itÕs cot so that didnÕt do out,
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but one child called Steve was alright so thatÕs something I suppose.
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Steve got married to a lady called Ellen and they had a little girl called
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Maxine, but weÕre not interested in her we are only interested in their
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only son who was called....JOHN OATES, the untalented one out Hall and
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Oates.
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He was a sure fire handsome lad with a big floppy Ôtache and he was a
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bit short too and he liked to play guitar and was good at it but couldnÕt
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do owt else so he teamed up with Dave Hall who was taller than him
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and had yellow hair and they had pop hits and the rest, as they say, is
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history.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article two: Our promise to you
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P+B promise to abide by the following codes of E-zine...
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1) Very Idolatry.
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2) Spouting bullshit and then realising the folly of our out pourings.
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3) Constant references to spice, salt, condiments in general.
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4) Mucho Mondo Hilarity.
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5) Questioning the world around us, and then not wanting to really
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know.
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6) Intense shenanigans.
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7) The promise that once subscribed you cannot for love nÕmoney get
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out again, a bit like Scientology.
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8) The love of all Gods, however unlikely their real existence may be.
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We love religion, we think itÕs tops!
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9) Paranoia.
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10) Frivolity.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Three: Man-Boy love is GOOD!
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Cavalcade of the stars...
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It was around midnight when bruce Willis ate a hot dog
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Tom CruiseÕs real name is Tom Prowl
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Michael Keaton was inherited in a late Aunts will and given as a raffle
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prize when he was a wee lad.
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Arnold Schwartzanaeger!
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Michelle Pfiefer unnerves her neighbours by banging the walls with her
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hoover.
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Demi Moores mum has two photoÕs on her kitchen wall. One is of Demi,
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and one is of Satan.
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Madchen Amicks First name is german for ÔKool and the GangÕ
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Four: The Bongo Brigade cometh...
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WANK STOPPERS
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Were you in the area of 22 Brouchester Gardens, Kent, on the night of
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the 14th October? Then Maybe you can help WankStoppers with their
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enquiries.
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Apparently, a man was heard and in fact seen, pulling his pud
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frantically over ÔJanaÕ in the January 1994 issue of ÔRazzleÕ in his own
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bedroom.
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If you have any information about this or any other tossings then please
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contact us at the usual address. Your action could result in the arrest
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of this man, and several others linked together in a Ôjazz syndicateÕ and
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could earn you a Ôcommunity wank watchÕ award.
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Keep Ôem peeled!
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article Five:STOP! ODER MEINE MAMI SCHEIST!
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RING!RING! Telephones are an ideal form of communication!
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Surely there is no other invention of the twentieth century which can
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compare to that of the telephone.
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Wether you want to catch the latest gossip with your family, or simply
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say hello to an old friend, the telephone is there, twenty four hours a
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day. And itÕs so simple to use!
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But itÕs not just there for pleasure, businesses are also finding the
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telephone a boon.
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Time Peterson, RFI-Telecommunications ÔThirty years ago the quickest
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way to contact someone was by post, now you can increase your
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efficiency with the use of telephones. From striking a deal with a
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customer in Tokyo, to simply finding the correct time, itÕs all there and
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only a press of a button away.Õ
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But it wasnÕt always this convenient.
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The telephone has come a long way since itÕs inception in the early
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1900Õs, as a large wind up, piece of machinery. Through many designs
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and though the great leaps in the telecommunications industry we are
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now able to all own a sleek, portable phone, and the future looks
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brighter than ever with the introduction of video phones.
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The concept is simple.
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A telephone handset contains two transducers, one in the earpiece, and
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one in the mouthpiece. A transducer is a piece of electronics which
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converts ÔpitchÕ signals, i.e, the voice, to electronic pulses which can
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be sent down a telephone line to the receiving phone where the signal is
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then converted back into a form we can all understand, that of clam.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article six: Women with gloves.
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you know those little sick leave forms you have to fill in when you get
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back from work after your sick and then you have to hand them in to
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personnel and the ones at my place are pink and you have to put in
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reason for illness? You do! Why, thatÕs dandy. Why not try these
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excuses....
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reason for time off....
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1-Not so much an illness, more a state of mind.
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2-Fell of a swing in park
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3-I fought the law, and the law won.
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4-Triple heart bypass, it smarts a bit.
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5-I was here, I was just hiding.
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6-Kinder egg toy caught in wind pipe.
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7-Cramp.
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8-Wanted for a crime I did not commit.
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9-Run for your wife.
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10-sick to the back teeth.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article seven:Bottom toys
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Guide to percentage of water in stars.
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Janet Jackson----------45 percent water, 55 percent carpet.
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Joe Walsh--------------19 percent water, 81 percent sponge.
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Tim Robbins-------------only 1 percent water, 99 percent sand.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article eight: John Inman's bubbly tested cigarette finger manipulation
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A Fan letter to Traci Lords...
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Dear Traci,
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I am a real appreciator of your work. I love all the films youÕve been in
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except the porny ones which I steer right the fuck away from. I have a
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problem though and as you are my guiding light in this world of shit I
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know only you can really answer nice like.
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You see, it all started way back last June. Every time I wash my hair it
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goes crazy. I donÕt know what to do. It happens regardless of any drying
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techniques or use of shampoo/conditioner. I know you have beautiful
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hair, even though itÕs seen more spunk matting than most and you
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peroxide it to fuckery or something, and so I know that you can help me.
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I love you Traci. I love you and I need you and if you donÕt love me I will
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kill myself and take a whole lot of fuckers down with me,get it? you
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see I cannot go on without you. Everynight I think about you and him
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together and I curse the day you met him and end up crying with my dick
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in my hand while IÕm wanking over you. You are heaven sent and here to
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lead me into love and life Traci and I know that you know that.
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Please come to me Traci and never leave me.
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Love forever, eternal and true.
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Sven Spangler.
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P.S-Can I have a signed photo, itÕs not for me itÕs fr me mate.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article nine: Men desperate to disguise a shiny head
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Evil Kneival is not an evil man. WhatÕs so evil about driving over 20
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busses in a motor bike? If he was really evil heÕd try jumping over a
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few babies in a Ford Anglia or something.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article ten: Me and My operation.
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POP FACTS-This issue its CHER!
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1-Cher was once married to Ken Dodd, of Notty Ash tickle stick tax
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dodge fame.
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2-CherÕs real hair colour is orange. No itÕs true!
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3-Cher has a great big tattoo on her arse of a ships anchor with the
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words Ôland ahoyÕ under it.
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4-Cher has sex a lot, probably, in fact sheÕs probably a bit saggy.
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5-Cher is a paid assassin of some repute.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article eleven: Fun with asbestos.
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You read the lonely hearts column donÕt you? Well, why not reply to one
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of these lonely sad fuckers using this ready made letter I have provided
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for your convenience below.
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--------cut here ------------------------------------------------
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Dear <name here>
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I read your ad in the lonely hearts column and thought I would write to
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you. You see, I am lonely too. Yes, I know itÕs really awful isnÕt it, being
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alone, no-one to turn too, no shoulder to cry on. Most of the time I feel
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just like cashing my chips in and calling it a day, but then, out of the
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blue, I saw your ad.
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My name is Sven and I am the same age as you. I like your style of
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writing I think you must come from good stock. I also think that you
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must be a very very lonely person to have even considered writing to
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one of these columns. You realize how dodgy this game is donÕt you? I
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never would put an ad in and I thought I was lonely!
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I have had relationships before but they never lasted. My last partner,
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Sarah was very pretty. But so was her best friend and ...well, you know
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how these things happen, very dodgy. I caught something nasty from Jill
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(Sarah's old partner, and best friend) and then passed it back to Sarah
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and that was that, she wasnÕt happy Ôcos she had only just got it
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cleared up. but, you gotta laugh, eh?
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But, anyway, you probably want to know what I look like right?
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Well, I stand approximately 3ft 2inches tall and have white hair and
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pink eyes. I am very pale skinned, my mum says thatÕs my best asset,
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the girls like this I think. I am not very fat, but then I am not exactly
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what you may call thin either.
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I like music, darts, and IÕm very interested in murder, though I havenÕt
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tried it myself obviously (though it has been playing on my mind of
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late). I do lots of indoor bowls, and have a large collection of beer mats
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which I have collected over the years from many many countries.
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I would love to meet you, and love you as my own, and spend some time
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with you. I am not a shy person, not by any means, and so I think I could
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integrate with some of your family, though not within the next year or
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so, I canÕt really be trusted.
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Please call me, for GodÕs sake, and we can get together and have lots of
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fun. My phone number is (0734)429021. Call me today. LotÕs off fun.
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Anthony Ikin.
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High Priest.
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Church of Satan.
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------cut here---------------------------------------------------
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So there you go. Simply print it, cut it out, sign it, and send it. I am
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sure you will really amuse a lot of lonely people and they will share big
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belly laughs with their friends about the whole situation. You too can
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be a ÔtimewasterÕ.
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BTW-If you want to talk to Anthony Ikin on Reading (that's 0734)
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429021 about the church of Satan you may, tell him Sven told you to
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call.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article twelve: Falling to the floor with a bottle in my hand, treated
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like poultry.
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HOW IT ALL BEGAN
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There was a small town concert promoter who owned a large chain of
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peanut shops (including 'peanut-u-like' and 'peanut R us') and he decided
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to hold a concert to raise money for famine relief. He was so skint that
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he could only afford to give the performing artists payment in kind (i.e,
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peanuts!). The big day came and he eagerly awaited the vast number of
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performing legends to arrive, hover, when the crunch came only one
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band turned up. That band was the hit pop combo 'The Monkess'. And thus
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started the common phrase 'You pays peanuts, you gets monkees!'.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article thirteen: A great deal of cussing, and much profanity too.
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CAKES OF THE STARS
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Michael J Fox ------ Chocolate swiss roll.
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Jack Lemmon------- Jam donut
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Robert De Niro------ Loony toons cup cakes
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Eddie Vedder------- Chocolate chip muffins
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Cindy Crawford----- Fondant fancies.
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Prince------------- Chocolate hob nobs.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article fourteen: Masturbating over pictures of Mackauley Culkin.
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ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE?
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Find out by asking yourself these questions.
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1)What do you keep in your funny little special magic scrapbook at
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home?
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a) Pictures of your favourite lakes.
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b)Pictures of saucy scantily clad buxom nubile ladies.
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c)Pictures of children, IN THE NUDE (frolicking on the beach)
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d)Full danish hardcore kiddie porn shots of children being made to
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lick each others genitals in such a manner as to cause you
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to shoot vinegar.
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2) What do you most like to do, of a Sunday?
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a)Amble along the winding paths of the lake district.
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b)Watch saucy electric blue videos.
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c)Look through the kiddies section of Kays catalogues.
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d)Ritually abuse pre-pubescents whilst drinking your own
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pungent piss.
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3) What would be your ideal occupation?
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a) A vicar, caring for the community and such
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b) A sexy naughty film actor or actress.
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c)A social worker, so you could press up against kids a bit
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d)A playschool teacher so you could steal little children's PE
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kits for your own dark and sinister purposes.
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4) What is the contents of your drawers in your bed room.
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a)My grundies and nout else.
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b) A big stash of legal Jazz mags.
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c) A few kiddies shoes, to squirt over from time to time.
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d) A child.
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So, how did you do.... find out now.
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Mostly D's---You are a paedophile, congratulations.
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Mostly C's--- A tad strange.
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Mostly B's--- You are free to go with no further questioning.
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Mostly A's--- You are Harry Secombe.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article fifteen: Sweaty clinkers.
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The day I met Phoebe Cates.
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It was a Saturday and I was in London just looking around and spying
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out all the neato records that I would buy had I lots of moula and then I
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saw her, out of the corner of my right eye. It's....no it can't be... ah but it
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is!!! It's Phoebe Cates! So I strolls on over, calm as you like, and I say
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'What's up?'
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And she looks at me and says
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'Do I know you?'
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and I say
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'No, but I know you?'
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and she looks worried and says nout.
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So I say
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'You are Phoebe Cates, and I am our fan!'
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and she says
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'Who?'
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And I say
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'Phoebe Cates, you know the lady actress, Gremlins an all'
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and she says
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'I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean'
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but I know it was her. So I grasp her arm and shout at her
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'Don't bullshit me bitch'
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and she is in pain and so I let her go and say
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'I'm sorry'
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and right about then I get rushed by security and beaten up. And even
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though she denied it, I know it was her, or I would if it weren't for my
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bullshitting.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article sixteen: I wanna be like Richard Madely
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Holy, Holy, Holy... the top ten holiest people in britain.
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10-Thora Hird
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9-Harry Secombe
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8-Mr Motivator
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7-Doctor legg (Off Eastenders)
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6-Dot Cotton (also off Eastenders)
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5-Ulrika Johnson (of Timotae advert fame)
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4-Ivy (from the corra)
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3-Desmond Lynam (From How do they do that)
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2-Topol ( out 'Fiddler on the roof')
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1-Douglas Barder- THE HOLIEST MAN IN BRITAIN!
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article seventeen: Kool and the Spangles
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I want you all as my girlfriends, but could you fuckin' 'ack it? Find out
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in this fun quiz. Just answer c to all these and we can do out.
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1-I come home late, trousered up like a fucker, throwin'' up all over. I
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kill your cat, eat all the food in the freezer, then sit down in front of a
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porno video and demand tops and fingers.
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What do you do?
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a) Call the police
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b)Laugh it off as a big funny joke
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c)Invite all your friends over to have tops and fingers too.
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2-We have just finished making passionate love and I say 'Now fuck off
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out of my bedroom!' what do you do?
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a)Slap my face and say 'we're through'
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b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
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c)Leave quietly and wait outside the bedroom door until I decree you fit
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to once more enter the inner sanctum for more pleasuring .
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3-We've had a bit of an argument, so I decide to play 'Happy home' by
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the Residents repeatedly, over and over again for 2 hours. What would
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you do?
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a)Phone a psychiatrist.
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b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
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c)Dance with me to the 'tune' as long as I want and then offer to buy me
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a pizza.
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4-We both share a nice cup of tea, when, half way through, I inform you
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that I have actually pissed in it. What d'ya do about it?
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a)Take me outside and beat me with a piece of 2 by 4
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b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
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c) Drink the rest of the tea, say 'thank you' and then ask for another cup
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sheepishly like out of oliver or something.
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So, how did you do?
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If you answered mostly A's then BEGONE EVIL ONE! If you answered
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mostly B's then we could date but I only like you as a friend. If you
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answered all C's then welcome to my family, I love you, have my baby,
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bare my evil spawn.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article seventeen: Pob will eat himself.
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Some facts about Tony Hart out of Vision on/take hart/hart beat/
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morph phame.
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1-Tony believes in the ancient art of Buggery, whereby man inserts his
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penis into a woman's anal orifice causing her to scream 'Wrong fucking
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hole!!!' and then cry a bit.
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2-Tony Harts real name is Tony Pancreas, but he kept that a bit fuckin''
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quiet didn't he?
|
|
3-Tony Harts real life landlord is the same bloke who used to stick his
|
|
fucking nose in every week on Take Hart and say some stupid flippant
|
|
quip or something or other and then disappear and now he's a student.
|
|
4-Tony Hart has had it off with all the girls who co-presented take
|
|
hart with him and he satisfies them all because he has such a big knob.
|
|
5-Tony Hart is hard of hearing, hand has baps, not rolls mind.
|
|
6-Tony hart is frequently naive but has a very novel way of disguising
|
|
this.
|
|
7-Tony hart had it off with Morph by sticking Morph up his bum and
|
|
wiggling him about a bit till he was fully satisfied.
|
|
8-Tony called the Queen a whore and she just fucking smiled.
|
|
9-Tony Hart, did a fart, whilst riding in his go-cart
|
|
10-Tony Hart is the inventor of that which we now know as 'air'
|
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|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Article eighteen: Pornography, a mans best friend.
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|
|
DR THISSTLEWAITES GUIDE TO SEX!
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|
|
Dr Keith (just Keith) Thisstlewaites new book, 'Sex-What's in it for
|
|
you?' is top of this months best sellers. Dad's everywhere are fighting
|
|
to get their hands on a copy as the nations gets taken over by
|
|
'sexmania'. But, exclusively, in your soaraway P+B we are proud to bring
|
|
you a brief extract from the sex book which has the nation salivating.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
(Extract from 'Sex-What's in it for you?' Published by Faber and Faber,
|
|
for 19.95, available now)
|
|
|
|
Sex, it's Britain's number one past time. But how much do you really
|
|
know about fucking? There now follows some startling facts about sex,
|
|
and some figures too.
|
|
|
|
SEX-Sex, or fucking, is Britain's number one pastime, but how much do
|
|
you really know about it? Straight sex, or fucking, takes place between
|
|
two things, be it man and woman, man and man, woman and man, man
|
|
and man and woman, or man and two more men, and a woman, or maybe
|
|
an item or dog. It's fun, easy, but how much do you really know about
|
|
sex, or fucking?
|
|
|
|
botty sex-It's when a man puts his Mr Johnson in a woman bottom, and
|
|
it's illegal. Too. But not illegal for a man and a man. Over a certain age.
|
|
|
|
Kinky sex- It's when either a man or a woman, or both, dress like
|
|
sigmund Freud and then have sex, too.
|
|
|
|
Oral sex- is not, in fact, having sex, or to sex, but in fact talking about
|
|
it, usually to ones friends, down the pub, when pissed, or to your pets.
|
|
|
|
Nasal penetration -Is the art, or art, of sticking your penis up a persons
|
|
nose and is not illegal but is very nice and extremely safe and I
|
|
recommend it to all of you.
|
|
|
|
But what of teenagers? Teenagers are notorious fuckmatic and the
|
|
average British teenage has sex on the whole, up to, and including 14
|
|
times a week. This figure is sure to shock Dads.
|
|
|
|
But what of pets? Pets have feelings too and the insertion of a member
|
|
into a pets orifice (be it rat, hamster, dog, cat, crab, or sandwich) is
|
|
both healthy, and illegal, and very nasty indeed. And don't think you'll
|
|
get out of it by sticking a hamster up your arse 'cos that's not on either.
|
|
|
|
Sex is nothing to be scared of. A recent survey showed that most
|
|
women, when asked, said that one thing they wanted in a man was a
|
|
sense of humour. Whilst most men, when asked, said that the one thing
|
|
they wanted in a women was their dick. This speaks volumes for the
|
|
state of the nation today and I am proud to be British (though one of my
|
|
parents was Flemish) and is sure to shock Dads.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
Article nineteen :6 girl sex
|
|
|
|
BOSS-U-LIKE
|
|
|
|
The perfect boss should be able to laugh when you fire staples at him,
|
|
and flick his arse with a rubber band. He should be firm yet fair. He
|
|
should have brown hair. Definitely not blonde. And no fucking
|
|
moustache. A mustachioed man is definitely out of the question. A full
|
|
beard is not only OK, but actually recommended.
|
|
He should be an avid recreational smoker, and never ever turn up to
|
|
work before you.
|
|
He should be squidlike in appearance, and bovine in sense. A phallic
|
|
statue should adorn his office, and he should carry about a sack
|
|
brimming with eel like aliens from another planet, not dissimilar to
|
|
our own.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
|
|
Article twenty : 23 grapefruit up a cardinals arse.
|
|
|
|
ALBINO WATCH-News for or about Albino's.
|
|
|
|
*New quiz show beginning on Radio 4 called 'Albino Challenge' where a
|
|
panel of albino dwarfs have to guess the weight of frogs.
|
|
|
|
*Sixteen men have been arrested in connection to an albino slavery
|
|
syndicate. In one man's flat in Dover over 20 Albino's and assorted
|
|
Midgets were found starving and badly taunted.
|
|
|
|
* The ADLF (Albino and Dwarf Liberation Front) have freed 25
|
|
laboratory Albino's in a raid on Oxford University Labs. It is believed
|
|
these albino's were being used for experimentation.
|
|
|
|
* Monolith, the world first Albino, and Dwarf. black metal have had to
|
|
cancel there debut UK show at Camdens Underworld due to threats
|
|
made by members of the AAL (anti Albino League) who had threatened
|
|
to disrupt the sell out show should it go ahead.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
Article twenty one: You're going home in a cosmic ambience.
|
|
|
|
The night my band kicked me out.
|
|
|
|
they pretended that the band had split up and they hadn't but they just
|
|
wanted to get me out even though I was the only one who could play any
|
|
fucking instrument or write any songs. So I started to get drunk and I
|
|
get very drunk indeed and I've had enough of them and so I decide to just
|
|
hang out with any girl I see that I know and I meet this girl that I tried
|
|
to get off with before and she's really sly and she pretends to be
|
|
interested bit she's not because I'm paranoid and I don't want to tell
|
|
you her name. So I'm talking to her, but I can't see too good because I've
|
|
had a skinfull and I don't get no play and you can hardly blame them
|
|
because I was teetering on the brink of paralysis.
|
|
Then I see this girl I know from work and I'm trying it on with her but
|
|
I'm getting nout and I am a bit fed up because I don't want her to tell
|
|
lot's of other people at work about my foolhardy behaviour because she
|
|
is not really that good looking. And I almost pass out and then they
|
|
play Rage Against the machine and the pit is really getting viscous and
|
|
I go in and start moshing but I can't take too much of it because it is
|
|
really nasty. And then I go and start talking to other girls and I talk to
|
|
one girl and she has pony tails on each side of her head, as is the
|
|
fashion amongst young ladies nowadays or so I am led to believe, and I
|
|
ask if her hair is natural and she says it is, so I say 'What? you have
|
|
these things naturally growing out of your head?' and I am only trying
|
|
to be humorous but it fails dismally and she frown I think but I can't
|
|
remember because I was way drunk but Gary tells me that happens and
|
|
so I have to believe him.
|
|
So anyway, I am a bit drunk and I give this girl I know half a pint and a
|
|
rose but she doesn't give a fuck. And Gary and me leave and I try to walk
|
|
to the town centre to get a taxi but I cant even walk and this is outside
|
|
the After Dark on a Friday night and I sit down on the steps and
|
|
everything starts to spin and I am so drunk and Gary fed up because he
|
|
can't get me to get up and walk into town for a taxi and then I decide I
|
|
want to and we start walking and I am stumbling about all over and I
|
|
am even drunker and we get into a taxi and I get home and toss plenty
|
|
of cookies all over and I felt ill and it was really bad. I have been this
|
|
drunk lot's of times since so it really couldn't have been that bad.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
Article twenty two:I stick my fingers up cat's bums because it makes
|
|
my willy tingle. Yet I am the highest paid philosopher in the UK.
|
|
|
|
Cheese-The king of dairy produce.
|
|
Millions upon millions of people eat it every day, it is by far the most
|
|
widely used item of Dairy produce, cheese is the word on everyone's
|
|
lips. But how much do we really know about cheese?
|
|
From the chalky texture and sour taste of brie, to the sweet, juicy
|
|
texture of the great English Chedder, all cheese starts off as the basic
|
|
ingredient of Milk. This milk is taken and put into a machine where it is
|
|
stirred constantly and mixed with Rennet where upon it eventually
|
|
turns into cheese. This is why when your milk goes off it has the slight
|
|
odour of cheese!
|
|
The cheese, once formed, is stored away until mature and then cut and
|
|
graded. It is then sent to supermarkets throughout the world where it
|
|
will be dipped in Ram's phlegm and then packaged in meat conveniently
|
|
cut out from a head of a dead howler-monkey, before it is offered for
|
|
sale to you, the shrimp.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
Article twenty three: Evil Doctor Mork, spawn of lucifer.
|
|
|
|
STAR INTERVIEW-Michael J Fox.
|
|
|
|
P+B: So Mike, how's it going mate.
|
|
Mike: Fine, no problems. How are you?
|
|
P+B: No problems. So listen, mike, you doing Teen Wolf three or what?
|
|
Mike:Sorry?
|
|
P+B: Teenwolf three. You doing it?
|
|
Mike:Should I?
|
|
P+B:I think you should because it's really going to be great, really
|
|
wonderful,and you haven't done owt since Back to the future 3.
|
|
Mike:How do you know about it?
|
|
P+B:Well, you seen, we're writing it at this moment. Do you wanna hear
|
|
the plot we got, it's smart.
|
|
Mike:??????
|
|
P+B:So, there's this guy, right, and he's a bloke, right, and he's at
|
|
college, right, and he's actually a wolf, and he tries to hide it but it
|
|
come to light and the wolf is very popular and...
|
|
Mike: But that's the plot to teenwolf 1!!
|
|
P+B:Yeah.
|
|
Mike:?????
|
|
P+B:Why not?
|
|
Mike:Because it's already been done.
|
|
P+B: oh... so you're not going to do it then?
|
|
Mike:NO!
|
|
P+B:OK.
|
|
Mike:Listen, can we talk about something reasonable please.
|
|
P+B: OK, listen, Mike, you were in Family ties right?
|
|
Mike:......
|
|
P+B:Well, it was smart!
|
|
Mike:...thanks. I'm glad you like it.
|
|
P+B:Yeh, what was it like to work with Justine Bateman?
|
|
Mike:Fin, we had a lot of fun on the set.
|
|
P+B:Yeh, her careers down he pan now, eh?
|
|
Mike:Well, I wouldn't say that.
|
|
P+B:Listen, Mike,m you couldn't give me her phone number could you?
|
|
Mike:I don't have it.
|
|
P+B:Oh, do you know anyone that would have it, I mean, can you get it
|
|
for me? I'd really appreciate it.
|
|
Mike:No I don't think so. I don't think I should
|
|
P+B:There's a connection! Her brother played you in TeenWolf 2!
|
|
Mike:Yes.
|
|
P+B:Well, you haven't got his number have you. Then he might have her
|
|
number and he might want to be in teenwolf 3!
|
|
|
|
...etc....
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
|
|
Article twenty four:Pulling a rabbit out of your bosses shirt sleeve.
|
|
|
|
Buying Jazz Mags can be a traumatic experience. It's a fact of life that
|
|
nearly every man under 25 has had to face. The Jazz nab can be hair
|
|
raising, But it needn't be so scary if you just use this article as your
|
|
guide, follow each hint and your Jazz mag collection will swell to
|
|
monumental heights.
|
|
|
|
1)If you are in a car, make sure that no-one is behind you when you are
|
|
parking in the shop, also check that no one is walking along the
|
|
pavement nearby with intent of visiting said newsagent, also make sure
|
|
that there is no-one in there. If any of these things occur then simply
|
|
drive around the block and come back when the coast is clear.
|
|
|
|
2)Do not scan the jazzy selection before making your purchase. Stick to
|
|
the magazines you know and love and don't deviate too far from these.
|
|
If you spend any considerable time scanning said selection this gives
|
|
other punters the chance to nip into the shop and see you purchasing the
|
|
mag and then they can tell your girlfriend/parents/wife/hamster
|
|
causing all manner of shortcomings.
|
|
|
|
3)Whatever you do, don't buy a Jazzie from a shop where there is a
|
|
woman under 30 years old serving, it can only cause misery.
|
|
|
|
4)Never beat off in the middle of a newsagents.
|
|
|
|
5)Never buy a Jazzie from a well respected chain store.
|
|
|
|
6)Show no fear! Stride up to the counter, slam down your purchase,
|
|
shout "I would like to buy this porno mag", pay in pennies, and stride
|
|
out with your purchase underneath your arm whistling a merry tune, and
|
|
tipping your hat to passers by.
|
|
|
|
7)jazzy mags inspire lustful desires and feelings of hatred towards all
|
|
women, but it's worth a couple of quid for a few decent wanks.
|
|
|
|
Thanks.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
Article Twenty Five: That's all folks.
|
|
|
|
So that's the end of issue one.
|
|
Please don't mail me with hateful thoughts, any suggestions will be
|
|
ignored. You can mail me if you want out (as apposed to owt) and I'll de-
|
|
subscribe you. you can send articles as long as they are foolish and I'll
|
|
put 'em in.
|
|
God bless you all.
|
|
DISCLAIMER: Yeh, you know the score. Me, and the other people who
|
|
wrote this shit are the only ones held responsible so don't blame my
|
|
employee's, it's not their fault. Blame my parents if anyone. No-one
|
|
need agree with anything we have written, God knows we don't agree
|
|
with any of it.
|
|
|
|
Subscribe to PAB by mailing...... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK and stating subscribe (your E-mail address) PAB.
|
|
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THE END>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> |