656 lines
31 KiB
Plaintext
656 lines
31 KiB
Plaintext
PeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleI
|
|
nSoci eIn eop Suc ciet
|
|
ySuck pleInS etySuckP pleInSoc ySuckPeople SocietySuckPe
|
|
opleI cietyS PeopleIn cietySuc opleInSocie SuckPeopleInS
|
|
ociet nSociety ckPeople ckP etyS
|
|
uckPe eInSocietySuckPeo eInSocietySuckPe eInSocietyP Peop
|
|
leInS etySuckPeopleInSo etySuckPeopleInS etySuckPeop nSoc
|
|
ietyS PeopleInSoci eIn Peo ySuc
|
|
kPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeopleInSocietySuckPeople
|
|
|
|
A Zine Dedicated To Bitching And Moaning About People In Society
|
|
Vol. I Num. I
|
|
|
|
|
|
Welcome to PISS. A different kind of zine. We don't do anarchy.
|
|
We don't practice wicca, and we don't pretend we can hack VAXen. We
|
|
don't make crystal meth in our basement. We don't get erections every
|
|
time a Renegade update comes out. We don't write adult text. We have
|
|
no business in warez. We're not into the paranoia conspiracy thing. We
|
|
don't trade source code for C++ or Pascal. We don't draw obnoxious ansi
|
|
of comicbook heroes. What does PISS do? Bitch. And moan. We rant, rave,
|
|
complain, filibuster, debate, gripe, whine, and get pissed. Pissed off.
|
|
At society and the people in it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
In This Issue:
|
|
|
|
|
|
BITE ME MONKEY BOY: Music, subverts, insecurity, and life.
|
|
|
|
I ALMOST CARE: How to deal with phone solicitors. The FUN way.
|
|
|
|
COMPROMISE SCHMOMPROMISE: The pitfalls of the Jews for Jesus.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
FIRST RANT.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Alternative. Hip-hop. Country. Punk. Classic rock. R+B. Seattle.
|
|
Heavy Metal. Soul. Jazz. Reggae. Pop. And every other possible style
|
|
of music that you can think of. Don't matter what kind it is, what
|
|
it sounds like, someone is going to slam it. You listen to Nirvana?
|
|
Poser. Nine Inch Nails? Bandwagon. Green Day? Sellout. Garth Brooks?
|
|
Inbred. Pennywise? Skaterdork. Grateful Dead? Homo. I find it pretty
|
|
ironic that people will find a way to insult any music that they
|
|
themselves don't listen to. But there's reason for it. It's an ego
|
|
booster, and a mask for insecurity. And I'm fucking tired of it. I'm
|
|
getting pissed.
|
|
|
|
The explanation behind this whole music deal is pretty simple. It
|
|
usually starts when one is in their early teens, and just beginning
|
|
to play the whole "I'm cool as shit" game. You go and throw away all
|
|
your Bon Jovi, Poison, Def Leppard, and Michael Jackson tapes, and
|
|
begin looking for some new rebel music that'll define just how cool
|
|
you really are to all of your peers. You pick your style of choice,
|
|
and from that point on anything else sucks. You've only three things
|
|
to worry about: making sure your music is so original that you can
|
|
be one of those trendy new "individuals", making sure that nobody
|
|
else listens to your bands (or else you'd lose your trendy status as
|
|
an individual, oh no), and making sure that you put down everybody
|
|
else's music, so that you can show how much cooler than them you are
|
|
and so that you can further reassure yourself of your new subversive
|
|
personality.
|
|
|
|
Or you can choose another path, which is that of conformist. You
|
|
go out and buy the music that everyone else is listening to, try to
|
|
do exactly what MTV tells you is "hip", and do your best to blend in
|
|
with everyone else, you don't wanna seem different, weird. Secure as
|
|
being a conformer, you'd rather that than be an outcast. Standards
|
|
vary from area to area. At my high school, since the late 70's it's
|
|
been the Grateful Dead and pot. If you listen to the Dead, and live
|
|
on weed, you are cool. No questions asked. Otherwise, you're.. yep..
|
|
different. So the conformists just go with the flow, which generally
|
|
leads to social success, if not personal torment, for these people.
|
|
|
|
Of course, there are two other kinds of people who fit into this
|
|
story. There's the kid who buys what he likes, and don't care if he
|
|
saw it advertised on MTV, or if it's "corporate rock". There's also
|
|
the guy who really does just have unique tastes, and just isn't into
|
|
the same kind of stuff most other people are. Now strangely, these
|
|
two types, the only two who are being honest, get the most shit from
|
|
their peers. They, unlike the conformist and the coolguy, are not
|
|
sacrificing their thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes in hopes of
|
|
being deemed "cool". They are being true to themselves, but their
|
|
shallow and insecure peers are more concerned with their image than
|
|
happiness.
|
|
|
|
So what inevitably happens (damn, that was a longass introduction,
|
|
wasn't it?) is these four groups come into conflict. The coolguy and
|
|
the conformist are worried about their image, due to some adolescent
|
|
insecurities (which I'm sure are perfectly natural). They deal with
|
|
these insecurities in two ways, the coolguy taking the active path,
|
|
the conformist the passive one. Usually, unfortunately, the innocent
|
|
"realguy" recieves the same abuse thrown at the conformist by the
|
|
coolguys. Coolguy is most always the instigator in these fights. So,
|
|
coolguy ends up saying how Metallica and NIN kick so much ass, and
|
|
how he is so cool because he listens to them. And he begins to say
|
|
to conformist how much his music sux, and how much better coolguy's
|
|
is. Meanwhile, conformist is saying that he listens to the same shit
|
|
that coolguy listens to. Because of course, hell, it's so damn cool.
|
|
This further enrages coolguy, because now he is being told his music
|
|
is no longer ORIGINAL, so he begins to question the integrity with
|
|
which conformist listens to those groups. (Pot calling the kettle
|
|
black, no?) So conformist beings a half assed attempt to explain how
|
|
he feels Trent Reznor's pain, when Trent bleeds, HE bleeds. And poor
|
|
real guy is being assaulted at the same time, and all he can say is
|
|
the truth, that he listens to NIN and Green Day and Offspring cause
|
|
he heard them on MTV and thought they were pretty good. And all the
|
|
while, Authenticallydifferentman is laughing at all of this. Alas,
|
|
coolguy has a problem with him too. Coolguy's jealous of him because
|
|
coolguy knows in his heart that authenticman is what he's pretending
|
|
to be. So he has to start ripping on authenticman, to try and do two
|
|
things; one, once again bolster his self esteem (or lack there of),
|
|
and two, try and subconsciously tell authenticman that he's not as
|
|
Authentic as he really is. But authenticallydifferentman's too smart
|
|
for that shit. And realguy, poor, simple, misunderstood realguy is
|
|
just sitting there wondering why the fuck this all matters, christ,
|
|
it's only music, it's not like the meaning of life. So conformist is
|
|
trying to think of a way that he can just blend into the background
|
|
again while they all duke it out, and coolguy, in the midst of a
|
|
testosterone rush, demands realguy tell him what Eddie Vedder is all
|
|
about. Realguy looks at him and asks coolguy if he wants to borrow
|
|
his copy of Ten, becuase, hey, it's like pretty good and stuff. So
|
|
authenticman, in a flurry of selflessness, asks coolguy why HE is a
|
|
more valid NIN fan than realguy is, (hey, the honest losers have to
|
|
stick together) and coolguy states that he knew about them first. So
|
|
Authenticman whips out a ticket stub from a NIN show in 1986, from a
|
|
theater that only seats two hundred people. Suddenly, all commotion
|
|
comes to a halt. They are all faced with the pinnacle of coolness.
|
|
Coolguy begins saying how Trent was his fourth cousin once removed,
|
|
while conformist is trying to ask authenticman if he's busy Friday
|
|
nite. Realguy has wandered off in the meantime to buy the new Motley
|
|
Crue album, and carries it up to the register with not the slightest
|
|
bit of shame on his face. As the day comes to an end, Coolguy goes
|
|
home to watch Alternative Nation and take notes on all the cool new
|
|
bands he can like. Comformist goes to a party at a neighbor's house
|
|
and dies of alcohol poisoning while pretending that he likes beer.
|
|
Authenticman walks off into the sunset in search of more cool things
|
|
he can do. And realguy goes home to enjoy the blissful sounds of his
|
|
new Nirvana Unplugged, proud to say that he has no clue what Kurt
|
|
Cobain is talking about, and has no desire to.
|
|
|
|
So what's my point?
|
|
|
|
1. None of this shit matters. Why is it music such an intrinsic
|
|
part of an adolescent's persona anyway? Why not make it their choice
|
|
of underwear? Coolguy wears boxers, Formy wears breifs, Authenticman
|
|
freeballs? This is all stupid. It's juvenile, and immature. However
|
|
it's only a phase. I've never seen anyone over the age of thirty act
|
|
this way. So maybe there still is hope.
|
|
|
|
2. Insecurity sucks. Be honest, and you'll be much happier. Who
|
|
cares if you don't have any freinds? Better than having fake freinds
|
|
who you don't even like.
|
|
|
|
3. Questioning the integrity with which someone follows a band
|
|
is dumb and ignorant. I hate Green Day, but find it hilarious when
|
|
I hear someone accuse a Green Day fan of being a sell out loser.
|
|
Yea, Green Day did sell out to become rich and famous, but if a kid
|
|
thinks "Dookie" is a cool sounding album, why does it matter to him
|
|
if they are making a lot of money? To him, they still sound good.
|
|
And don't say it's the principle of the matter. Sure, the principle
|
|
of Green Day (and Offspring) selling out the punk scene does suck,
|
|
but hell, if that's what you think, then YOU don't buy the album.
|
|
|
|
4. Being the only person to listen to a band does not make you
|
|
cool. Hell, I had a copy of Nevermind before Nirvana had ever been
|
|
on MTV. And you know what? There are a lot of people who had it
|
|
before I did. And i don't care. I don't tell people not to listen
|
|
to Nirvana because "I had them first" (well, that and I really dont
|
|
like em that much, but...). My favorite band is The Ramones. They
|
|
are one of the oldest punk bands around, yet have been very unlucky
|
|
with their music, and not many people have caught on to them. So do
|
|
I try and keep them secret? Hell no. I talk about them every chance
|
|
I get. If something is good, share it, don't try to keep it secret.
|
|
That's immature, and NOT cool.
|
|
|
|
5. Don't try to be an Authenticman. That's what starts all the
|
|
problems. Be a Realguy, and you not only will be an Authenticman,
|
|
but you'll be much happier. Do what's NATURAL.
|
|
|
|
6. Be nice. It's nicer that way.
|
|
|
|
7. I think you get the point. The whole music trip is stupid,
|
|
immature, and a waste of time. That's about it. Stop pissing me off.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
SECOND RANT.
|
|
|
|
Scenario: You and your all-American family have just sat down to
|
|
a pleasant Sunday evening dinner. Just as you are offering to serve
|
|
your little brother some delicious, wholesome veggies, the tranquil
|
|
scene is interrupted by the screech of the telephone. Daddy gets up
|
|
to answer it, trying his best to maintain his composure, lest he be
|
|
rude to the caller. But when Daddy hears the all too familiar "Good
|
|
evening Mr.<appropriate surname>, how are you tonite? <doesn't wait
|
|
for a reply> That's great. My name is Bill Meyers, and I was hoping
|
|
you could spare me a minute of your time, so that I could tell you
|
|
about the next great development in the colostomy bag industry. Now
|
|
if I could just... ", Daddy is slightly annoyed. He politely states
|
|
that his family is in the middle of dinner, and he does not want to
|
|
deal with this now. "I'm sure," replies Bill, "but I promise you, I
|
|
won't take more than a minute of your time. So as I was saying, the
|
|
bag collects the fecal matter in an amazing new way. You see-" but
|
|
before he can continue, Daddy loses control and flips. "Look, you..
|
|
you.. ignoramus! Yea! You ignoramus, I'm trying to enjoy a precious
|
|
family bonding moment, and you're here disturbing our meal! I won't
|
|
stand for it! You are SOO insensitive to our needs! I am hanging up
|
|
now! I won't tolerate this insurrection! Good-Bye!" Click.
|
|
|
|
Seem familiar? Most likely, no. But you know what I'm getting at.
|
|
At one time or another, we've all had to deal with obnoxious phone
|
|
solicitors, calling at any and every hour so they can mispronounce
|
|
our names, insult our lifestyles, and then bombard us with a sales
|
|
pitch explaining why a solar powered ostrich waxer is a necessity
|
|
for any nuclear family of the nineties. Welp, I'm sick and tired of
|
|
dealing with this shit. So a few months ago, I decided to think up
|
|
as many immature, juvenile, and obnoxious ways of dealing with this
|
|
as possible. A list of my favorite means of revenge follows.
|
|
|
|
1) The General Obnoxiousness Reply
|
|
|
|
A favorite throughout the generations, this consists
|
|
of basically yelling at the person and being really really
|
|
obnoxious, and then hanging up on them. Cute, but not very
|
|
fun.
|
|
|
|
2) The "Okay" Game.
|
|
|
|
A very simple very enjoyable way to deal with the guy.
|
|
Wait until he introduces himself, and as soon as he begins
|
|
his speech, say "Okay". Continue to say OK as often as you
|
|
can, for the duration of the call. Change your inflection
|
|
and tone of voice as much as possible. The idea is to see
|
|
how many OKs you can get in before they hang up on you, in
|
|
bewilderment or annoyance. Some people prefer to throw out
|
|
their OKs at random, awkward intervals. Others like to use
|
|
the "machine gun" approach, ie, say OK non-stop as soon as
|
|
he begins talking to you. Both work well. For the record,
|
|
my personal best is 37 okays in a single call.
|
|
|
|
3) The Pervert
|
|
|
|
A personal favorite, and possibly the funniest to use.
|
|
When the loser on the other end of the line asks you if he
|
|
can tell you about his product, say yes. As he begins his
|
|
speech, don't say much at first, just throw in the random
|
|
"uh huh" and "yes.." here and there. After a minute or two
|
|
begin to moan softly after every sentence. Every time that
|
|
he makes a "big" point, reply with an "ooh". Increase the
|
|
rate at which you do this until it is every two seconds or
|
|
so. Then the fun begins. Continue your moanings, but make
|
|
them louder and more obvious. Throw in lots of really loud
|
|
cries of "Yes! Yes!". As he continues (in probably a state
|
|
of mild confusion) continue "Oh God! Yes!", "Don't Stop!"
|
|
Keep this up until it seems like he might be getting close
|
|
to the end of his sales pitch, or he seems like he might
|
|
hang up. Then, continue with the "Oh Gods!"s, and finally,
|
|
let loose with all your might when he reaches the climax
|
|
of his speech. "Oh my god! YES!! YES!!! I'm coming! OH GOD
|
|
I'M COMING!! DON'T STOP!! OH JESUS! YES!!!!!". You get the
|
|
basic idea, I think. After your orgasm he will probably be
|
|
in a total state of shock, if he has not hung up already
|
|
Then proceed to thank him profusely, ask him for his phone
|
|
number, and ask if you can do this again sometime. If you
|
|
want, a cheesy nice touch is to ask how it was for him.
|
|
During all of this you should be panting, wheezing, etc,
|
|
to make it oh-so-more realistic. Tell him one more time
|
|
how great it was, and hang up before he can reply.
|
|
|
|
4) The Obnoxious Whistle
|
|
|
|
Another simple one, but very satisfying. Try and keep
|
|
one of them Thunder whistles, or if you can't find one, a
|
|
referee's whistle, near your phone. If you answer the line
|
|
to one of those pesky phone solicitors, give him about two
|
|
seconds head start, then pick up the whistle and blast it
|
|
into the mouthpiece of the receiver as loudly as you can.
|
|
Not only is this real annoying, but it can be really funny
|
|
on a variety of levels. First off they usually scream like
|
|
a little girl when they hear it, which is rather humorous.
|
|
Second, it's not just annoying, but really really.. umm...
|
|
bad?? A friend of mine did it to a phone salesman using a
|
|
normal whistle, and he did it so loud that he blew out the
|
|
guy's right eardrum. The company the guy worked for tried
|
|
to sue my friend (and his parents) but, apparently, that
|
|
would only be permissible if my friend had called them. So
|
|
then case never even went to court. So it's not only a fun
|
|
way to permanently damage someone who SUCKS, but it's also
|
|
legal! Gotta love our justice system. And as a note, don't
|
|
try this with an airhorn, you'd probably end up hurting
|
|
yourself more than the loser on the other end of the wire.
|
|
Oh, and although I've never had the pleasure of this, I've
|
|
been told by others that sometimes the schmucks don't even
|
|
hang up. If that's the case, don't worry. Wait about three
|
|
seconds and do it again. Repeat as necessary.
|
|
|
|
5) Stopwatch Fun.
|
|
|
|
This one sucks, but if you're bored, go for it. Keep a
|
|
stopwatch by the phone, and start it as soon as the loser
|
|
begins his rap. Put the phone down, go get a beer or soda
|
|
or something, come back, and see how long he can go before
|
|
he realizes that no one is listening to him. I told ya it
|
|
sucks.
|
|
|
|
6) The Lonely Neurotic Game
|
|
|
|
Really funny if you do it right. When he starts talking
|
|
act normal for about a minute. Then try to, real subtle at
|
|
first, drag him into a totally unrelated conversation. Tell
|
|
him about your cat's urinary tract infection. Ask him his
|
|
favorite flavor of cheese. Tell him about your first sexual
|
|
experience. Begin reciting the Gettysburg Address. Ask him
|
|
if he speaks any other languages, and then say you'll only
|
|
listen to his speech in that language. Ask him if he spits
|
|
or swallows. Sing the Cuban national anthem. Backwards. Try
|
|
and start a farting contest. You get the idea.
|
|
|
|
7) The "I Think I'm Seven Game"
|
|
|
|
Hahaha... this one is so stupid, and so funny. Watch the
|
|
reaction you get from this one. It really annoys da fuck out
|
|
out of the solicitor. As soon as you can identify him as one
|
|
of "them", start doing the mimic game you played when you
|
|
were seven. You know, the "copy" game. Everything he says,
|
|
repeat back to him. For added effect, do it in a really high
|
|
pitched, nasal, whiny voice. If they get flustered, keep it
|
|
up. You've not seen patheticness until you've heard a twenty
|
|
seven year old man have a temper tantrum over the phone.
|
|
|
|
|
|
There are a million other things ya could do to do these People Who
|
|
Suck. These are just some of my favorites. And don't you worry if you
|
|
don't get many calls from phone salespeople. I've found that most of
|
|
these tactics work really well on annoying friends as well as on the
|
|
professional assholes. So next time some loser rings you up, either
|
|
professional or amateur, don't just get Pissed. Have fun.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
THIRD RANT.
|
|
|
|
I was meandering through downtown Philadelphia last week, going
|
|
nowhere in particular pretty quickly, when I came to the corner of
|
|
Sixteenth and Chesnut. As is usual around Christmas time, there was
|
|
a big old fat Santa Claus with gratuitous Salvation Army kettle in
|
|
hand, clanking his obnoxious little bell at passersby. Across the
|
|
street from him was the neurotic guy with the giant sign exalting
|
|
the second coming of christ, megaphone in one hand, tattered bible
|
|
in the other. But as I continued down the sidewalk, I noticed there
|
|
was something different.. There were new solicitors on the sidewalk
|
|
today. Dressed in blue n white, four of them had commandeered each
|
|
corner of the intersection and were distributing (or, at the least,
|
|
trying to) little white pamphlets to the pedestrians walking by. I
|
|
recognized them immediately as members of one of the more pathetic
|
|
organizations in America today. Called Messianic Jews, Yeshuahites,
|
|
or whatever else, they are the Jews For Jesus, some of the sorriest
|
|
people I have ever had to encounter.
|
|
|
|
Jews For Jesus is an organization that is about, basically, what
|
|
its name implies. The members are mostly Jews who decide that Jesus
|
|
is the real deal, but choose not to become Christians. So they try
|
|
to make a compromise between the two, remaining practicing Jews (in
|
|
their minds) but accepting the concept of Jesus as the messiah. The
|
|
Jews For Jesus as a whole however, are neither Jewish or Christian.
|
|
Their basic doctrine goes like this: Jesus did come to Earth around
|
|
2000 years ago, but no one really realized how great a guy he was,
|
|
so he just got shit all over. So then he did the whole crucifixion
|
|
deal, and went to meet God in heaven, etc, etc, etc. They say that
|
|
the reason not everyone on Earth believes in him is because he did
|
|
not finish his job here. So they are waiting for him to come back.
|
|
Until then, they won't be either real Jews or real Christians, they
|
|
figure they can decide that when the real messiah, whoever he is,
|
|
finally shows up. This is not necessarily their complete doctrine,
|
|
but a summary given to me twice, once by the Philadelphia JFJs, and
|
|
once by the New York City JFJs.
|
|
|
|
So basically, the Christian church (and the Christian community
|
|
as a whole) detest these people, who want to accept the christian
|
|
messiah without adapting to his church. And the Jewish community
|
|
has the same basic feelings, the Messianics are going against the
|
|
most basic tenets of Jewish theology, that the Messiah hasn't yet
|
|
arrived on Earth. Yet they insist they are Jewish, even if they do
|
|
believe in Jesus. Essentially, nobody likes them (Okay, maybe the
|
|
Muslims don't hate them too much, but..).
|
|
|
|
Well anyway, I was getting closer and closer to one of the freaks
|
|
when I realized that she had already locked me into her sights. Not
|
|
having planned a discourse for this situation, I cut her off before
|
|
she could finish her "Merry Christmas! Can I intere.." with a sharp
|
|
and intentionally quite loud snap of "Pagan!" to her face. I rushed
|
|
across the street before she could say anything else, thinking that
|
|
I had "won" that battle. However, her compatriot across the way had
|
|
heard my remark to her, so not only did he offer me a pamphlet, but
|
|
he had the nerve to corner me against a busy food stand, so that he
|
|
might be able to preach his wisdom to me against my will. I thought
|
|
as quickly as I could about the best way to get out of this. I did
|
|
recall the time two years ago when I was up in New York with some
|
|
freinds, and we went to South Street Seaport. We weren't there five
|
|
minutes when we were greeted by the NYC faction of the Yeshuaites,
|
|
and assholes we are, we weren't going to just ignore them. One of
|
|
my freinds there had been going to a Jewish day school for four
|
|
years, so he engaged in a lengthy debate on the interpretation of
|
|
the bible and other scriptures with one of the guys. Having never
|
|
really studied the bible so in depth, I was left standing there
|
|
telling the guy "You're ugly, you smell, and you suck real bad."
|
|
|
|
As effective as this argument may have been then, I didn't think
|
|
that it would serve me well now. So i decided to forget the whole
|
|
theology-bible-interpretation thing, and launch into something I am
|
|
good at, to hold my own against this guy. So I began grilling him
|
|
on the integrity & ethics behind his beliefs, being as obnoxiously
|
|
intelligent (and just obnoxious) as i could on such short notice.
|
|
A transcript of our conversation (as best as i can recall) follows.
|
|
Feel free to make your own judgement on the JFJs from what they say.
|
|
I have already made up my mind.
|
|
|
|
(Me) Do you want something?
|
|
|
|
(Jew For Jesus) Yes. I wanted to talk to you about our organization.
|
|
|
|
(M) I'm familiar with you guys already.
|
|
|
|
(J) Is that right?
|
|
|
|
(M) Yes. I harassed one of you in New York a few years ago. It was fun.
|
|
|
|
(J) <awkward laugh> hehe.. um, can i offer you some literature?
|
|
|
|
(M) How about this, can I ask you some questions?
|
|
|
|
(J) I'd be happy to answer any questions you had about our group.
|
|
|
|
(M) Are you Jewish or Christian?
|
|
|
|
(J) Both.
|
|
|
|
(M) Impossible.
|
|
|
|
(J) How do you figure?
|
|
|
|
(M) Jews don't believe in christ, christians do. It's really not that
|
|
complicated.
|
|
|
|
(J) Haha, well, yes, in a way you are right. But you see--
|
|
|
|
(M) <interrupting> Wait, I've heard this speech before. Tell me this.
|
|
If you believe that the messiah already came, but has more work to
|
|
do, and will come again, why not start a totally new religion based
|
|
on that premise? Why hang on to these two?
|
|
|
|
(J) It's not that simple.
|
|
|
|
(M) Sure it is. Do you celebrate Hannukah?
|
|
|
|
(J) Yes.
|
|
|
|
(M) Do you celebrate Christmas?
|
|
|
|
(J) Yes.
|
|
|
|
(M) Passover?
|
|
|
|
(J) Yes.
|
|
|
|
(M) Easter?
|
|
|
|
(J) Yes.
|
|
|
|
(M) Memorial Day?
|
|
|
|
(J) Ye.. um, what?
|
|
|
|
(M) Nevermind. Look, let me cut to the chase. Aren't you just some
|
|
really insecure Jewish guy who wants to comform to the rest of
|
|
American society by believing in this christ guy? But you're either too
|
|
indecisive or too scared of the reprecussions you might face from
|
|
god, if you did such a thing? If say, there was no jesus,
|
|
and you ended up pissing god off real bad? Is that it?
|
|
|
|
(J) <trying to maintain composure> Interesting opinion, but I was not
|
|
actually born a Jew. I just agree with many of the tenets of the
|
|
Jewish faith.
|
|
|
|
(M) Are you circumcised?
|
|
|
|
(J) No.
|
|
|
|
(M) Then how can you call yourself a Jew? Any kind of Jew? Can't be
|
|
Jewish with that foreskin thing, ya know.
|
|
|
|
(J) I don't wanna do it. It'd hurt too much.
|
|
|
|
(M) You're kidding, right?
|
|
|
|
(J) No.
|
|
|
|
(M) And you are supposed to be a good representative of your
|
|
organization?
|
|
|
|
(J) I feel I am.
|
|
|
|
(M) Uh huh.
|
|
|
|
(J) Look, would you like a pamphlet? It might answer a lot of your
|
|
questions.
|
|
|
|
(M) No. I'd rather stand here and try to understand your psyche.
|
|
|
|
(J) Um, I really have to be going, there are a lot of people out. It's
|
|
lunch hour.
|
|
|
|
(M) Hold on. How do you justify a name like "Jews for Jesus"? It is
|
|
an oxymoron in its purest essence.
|
|
|
|
(J) I don't know. But I'm not sure which is the proper path, as the
|
|
Messiah, Yeshua, has not yet returned to Earth.
|
|
|
|
(M) Wait. You're not sure? But you said before that it's NOT because
|
|
you are indecisive. Make up your mind.
|
|
|
|
(J) Okay, maybe I am. What of it? You know, there are some Jews For
|
|
Jesus who are starting a new branch called the Buddhist Jews for
|
|
Jesus.
|
|
|
|
(M) Hahaha... hehe
|
|
|
|
(J) I wasn't kidding.
|
|
|
|
(M) Oh.
|
|
|
|
(J) Maybe they have the right idea... look, i have to run. Take this.
|
|
<hands me a pamphlet>
|
|
|
|
(M) Wait...
|
|
|
|
(J) What?
|
|
|
|
(M) Don't you think you're insulting real Jews and Christians by
|
|
using their names in a misrepresenting sense? My history teacher
|
|
would probably accuse you of plagarism...
|
|
|
|
(J) Well, it's not like those names are copyrighted.
|
|
|
|
(M) Good point. <sarcastic air to voice>
|
|
|
|
(J) And we are happy to allow any Jews or Christians participate in
|
|
our services.
|
|
|
|
(M) That's very noble of you. How do you feel about prayer in the
|
|
the classroom? I think it sucks...
|
|
|
|
(J) If it's directed towards all faiths, it can be a good thing.
|
|
|
|
(M) What about atheists?
|
|
|
|
(J) They are different.
|
|
|
|
(M) And agnostics?
|
|
|
|
(J) I'm agnostic.
|
|
|
|
(M) I thought you were a Jew For Jesus..
|
|
|
|
(J) I am. I'm just not sure if there is a god, that's all.
|
|
|
|
(M) So you doubt the existance of a messiah, and of a god, and your
|
|
solution is to join every religion you can, to try and cover all
|
|
the bases?
|
|
|
|
(J) I wouldn't put it that way...
|
|
|
|
(M) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
|
|
|
|
(J) Huh?
|
|
|
|
(M) He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
|
|
|
|
(J) Umm..
|
|
|
|
(M) Nevermind.. old joke. Tell me this. You are waiting for the
|
|
messiah, right?
|
|
|
|
(J) Yes.
|
|
|
|
(M) What if I told you that guy over there was the Messiah <pointing
|
|
to freak with the jesus sign and the bible>?
|
|
|
|
(J) I doubt it.
|
|
|
|
(M) How do ya figure?
|
|
|
|
(J) He looks like a vagrant.
|
|
|
|
(M) Wasn't the "real" Jesus a bum too, though?
|
|
|
|
(J) So I'm told.
|
|
|
|
(M) Uh huh. Okay, what if I told you I was the messiah?
|
|
|
|
(J) Look, you're not, and I really don't have time for this.
|
|
|
|
(M) I am the messiah.
|
|
|
|
(J) Prove it. Make yourself invisible. <with sophisticated sarcasm>
|
|
|
|
(M) <not believing this guy> No.
|
|
|
|
(J) Why not?
|
|
|
|
(M) That'd be a vulgar display of power. <I stole that from "The
|
|
Exorcist">
|
|
|
|
(J) Look, I'm done talking to you.
|
|
|
|
(M) Well, when are you gonna decide what religion you are?
|
|
|
|
(J) I don't know. I'm looking into Taoism. <I think he was joking.>
|
|
|
|
(M) Um, okay....
|
|
|
|
(J) Good day, sir.
|
|
|
|
(M) Um, later buddy.
|
|
|
|
<He walks off>
|
|
|
|
Draw your own conclusions. This guy was supposed to be one of the
|
|
most respected, wise, grooviest representatives of the Messianics
|
|
of Philadelphia. They weren't much different in New York. Just one
|
|
more example of People In Society who Suck.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
PISS is one person's <<<PissDistroBase>>> PISS a is non-profit
|
|
collected bitchings Mogelland BBS (215)732-3413 e-zine who's purpose
|
|
and moanings about is to educate people
|
|
society and the people ___________________________ on the ever present
|
|
in it who suck. PISS | In the next PISS: | faction of America's
|
|
is written by Socrates | Software Pirates Suck | popluation that sucks.
|
|
cuz he's PISSed off. | PISSTEST: Do ya suck??? | Like YOU.
|
|
| Fun with 1-800 Operators |
|
|
In Association with: |___________________________|
|
|
HoE Publications DistroBranchesSoonToCome...
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
(c)OPYWRITE MY ASS. I'M PISSED, LEAMME ALONE. |>PISS International<| 1.1.95
|
|
|