249 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
249 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ
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Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û
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ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ Û
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Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û Û
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Û Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛ Û
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Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ
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Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û
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Û Û Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ
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Û Û Û Û Û Û
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û
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Û Û Û Û Û Û
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Û Û Û Û Û Û
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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Û Û Û Û Û Û
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Û Û Û Û Û Û
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Û Û
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T-FILE MAG FOR DISILLUSIONED RUSSIAN COMMUNIST YOUTH.
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ISSUE 1
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welcome to issue 1 of KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK!
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we editors hope that to you pleases the maggy
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the election in russia come to run-off! see issue 31 of "eye of mother russia"
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we are sick of the new world free market economy! youth not wanting the billy
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joel and the elton john and scorpions make the concerts in our russia!
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KAPITALIZT OPPRESSOR GO HOME!
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we are tired of the fake american jeans and not having many rubles!
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under communism, we have toilet paper and borscht all the day. the wodka is
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tasting better and the youth want only to study maths and physic.
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today the youth are going to "moscow mc-donald" and eating "square hamburger"!
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this am not accept to be! the russian child is being seduced by the american
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television "quincy, m.d." and "m*a*s*h"!
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ALAN ALDA GO HOME!
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the youth is writing "letter to editor" to pravda saying that their newpaper
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is suck! he is suggesting in today issue that pravda make cheap russian knock-
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off of the popular capitalist american devil feature "jumble: that scrambled
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word game!"
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they are not wanting to work all the day in depressing cement factory! they
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want to see the "mad about you" and the evil queen of temptation helen hunt!
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all the time they are plan travel to california to see "babes" like the
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imperialist stooge david hasselhoff in the slime known as "baywatch!"
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tourism to the great state of albania decreased this year alone by 50 square
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hectares/erg! no longer is the sunny beach and good cigar intimidating leader
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with moustache and beard outlasting all stooge pig presidents of america island
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of cuba good enough! they learn the standard system of measurement!!
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when the youth is earning the money, spend they it always on coca-cola and
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american automobile. the people's car factory and working man's nerve gas
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depository is making new model with 5 tones of beige and off-white this year and
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it is not selling! even when it is getting 34 hectares on a single tank of
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kerosene! they are wanting to listen to the rock and roll music and form
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crappy rock and roll bands! even our friend dmitri who was intended to support
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this magazine in the editing left it for his rockgroups "gripper zipper,"
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"i like ike," and "shake well before using." we are reporting him however to
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the people's council of media controllment, heh heh heh heh heh !
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RUSSIA YOUTH NOT AM IN CONTROL!
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if this is to continue what are we to do!
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here comes kaptialiZT LIFE IS SUCK, RESCUING THE traditional values of mother
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russia! we will make the USSR a USSR again by crushing the will of the
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revolutionary breakaway republics! our way of life is supreme and we shall
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impose it upon what is rightfully the bosom and left nostril of mother russia!
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A QUESTION FROM BORIS' MOM CHEVKYANOVNYA:
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"BORIS YOU BLINI-HEAD! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THE MAGAZINE IN THE ENGLISH! IT IS
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THE SAME LANGUAGE THAT PASSES THE FORKED TONGUE OF EVIL CAPITALIST OPPRESSOR!
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ITS LIES AND FREEDOMS ARE NOT OF MOTHER RUSSIA!"
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ivan and i have some wodka to think a bit.
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we find that we put in the english so the disillusioned youth of america who are
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tired of staring at their false gods "pearl jam" and "green day" are reading it
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too and spreading communist revolution to all the world!
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pravda
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perestrojka glasnost
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cccp
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havana cigars chechen rebels
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sputnik
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blinis
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now comes the officialpart!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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OBJECTIVES FOR PUBLICATION 'KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK'. APPROVED 96.1.1. MOSCOW.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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DESTROY MORALE OF SUBVERSIVE YOUTH ACTIVITY IN ALL THE WORLD
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RAISE SALES OF THE WODKA BY 5,6%
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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TABLE OF CONTENTS. APPROVED 96.2.1 - LENINGRAD, CITIZEN RIKISOVICH APPROVING.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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1. HOT BORSCHT FROM KITCHEN URI RECIPE!
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2. QUICK COLD BORSCHT!
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3. BORCHT AND MUSHROOM.
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4. ENDPART.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
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my mother make this all the day when i am young. it feed 12, and we work on
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farm all day after eating, making much hard currency! unlike today when we
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wait 3 days in line for square hamburger, we are eating this all never with
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wait in days of good old!
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we are using the evil standard system of measurement so capitalist oppressor
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can make the recipe in his "mikrowave oven" and his "salad shooter" and
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fall before the strength of recipe strong like ox!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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CAPITALIST PIG -> METRIC CONVERSION TABLE!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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FINALIZED 43.8.11. MOSCOW. OFFICIAL DOKUMENT 148972-1321-CCCP.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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1 OZ 6.43 HECTARES
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1 TBSP 4.12 JOULES/METRE
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1 TSP 214 MOLES/LITRE
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1 CUP 1 PEOPLE'S TOILET-BOWL
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
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6 oz stew beef from strong russian livestock
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5 cup streamwater from mother russia
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2 cup sliced beet with fortitude from mighty russian soil and juice
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1 grated carrot torn like capitalist oppressor
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1 chopped onion, fresh make eyes sting like victory
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1 turnip from mama's viktory garden
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1/4 head cabbage shredded like head of capitalist oppressor
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2 tbsp. tomato paste pasted like imperialist pigs when the proletariat rise
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and take power
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fresh ground pepper from cuba
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3 tablespoons vinegar
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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DIRECTIVES FOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE BORSCHT. APPROVED 65.23.2. MOSCOW.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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1. beef + water in pan and cover
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2. simmer all of one hour (take wodka break while simmer! =) =) -uri)
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3. add all other ingredients but for the vinegar
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-------------
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IMPERATIVE MISSION ORDER
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LEAVE VINEGAR OUT!
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IT IS NEEDED LATER
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!!! NOT NOW !!!
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FAILURE TO ACCOMPLISH THE BORSCHT IN
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CORRECT MANNER WILL MEET WITH REVIEW
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AND JUSTICE FROM THE PEOPLE'S DEATH
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SQUAD AND DEPRESSING OFF-WHITE PAINT
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FACTORY.
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4. cook soup for 1.5 hour
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5. add vinegar before serving
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MESSAGE FROM KREMLIN
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YOU FOOL! YOU THE VINEGAR *BEFORE* COOK
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PUT IN!!
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REPORT AT ONCE TO THE PEOPLE'S INTERROGATIONAL
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FACILITY AND INTIMIDATING CELL BLOCK.
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6. add more to taste, but not much! excess of the winegar means less borscht
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for the working man's struggle against capitalist oppressor!
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QUICK COLD BORSCHT
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2 cup canned beets + juice, canned at the people's produce refinement/packaging
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facility and ak-47 maintanence centre.
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4 tbsp sugar, imported from cuba, the land of the free worker.
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2 cups water, clear and crisp from the tear ducts of mother russia.
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1 tsp grated onion or 1/2 tsp dried onion flakes, grated and dried like the soul
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of the capitalist oppressor in the face of the one-eyed mother russia.
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2 tbsp lemon juice, from lemon tree (not lemon bush, boris!! -uri)
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6 tbsp lo-fat yogurt + some for garnish, made from the purest cow milk and
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brought from the people's curdled yet unidentifiable diary unit factory.
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put all in blender
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blend like capitalist oppressor until smooth creamy
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if blender is cheap knockoff of american "osterizer" and is not holding all the
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mixture add all but water, blend, pour off some, add water then
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blend
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pour into serving cup, use the fine silver stolen from the mines of capitalist
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oppressor
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chill in the snow and ice from the people's really cold ice factory, siberia
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serve in glass and enjoy like good russian
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BORSCHT AND MUSHROOM
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1 oz dried wild mushroom. pick wrong mushroom and pay the price! heh heh
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3 quart + 1.5 cup water
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2 potato sliced scrubbed like capitalist oppressor through his "car-wash"
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2 stalk celery sliced
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2 clove garlic sliced
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1 large turnip sliced peeled
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4 carrot scraped sliced
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1 bay leaf
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1 tbs salt
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8 pepper corn
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1.5 lb beets
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3 tbs lemon juice
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1 tbs sugar
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soak mushroom in 1.5 cup water for 2 hours
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in large kettle, put 3 qt water potato celery garlic turnip carrot bay leaf
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salt peppercorn and simmer GENTLY for 1 to 2 hours. have some wodka while you
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am wait.
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strain broth and discard cooked vegetables like the heads of the capitalist
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oppressor
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drain mushrooms, keep liquid that the mushrooms were in, it is needed for the
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struggle against imperialism
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wash the mushroom slice in strip
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strain mushroom liquid through coffee filter, use only the people's coffee
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filter and close-quarters combat medical bandage
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add this and the mushrooms to broth
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peel beets and cut in strip
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add beets lemon juice sugar to broth
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simmer for 20-25 minute
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enjoy
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NOW COMES THE ENDPART.
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hope enjoy to you the issue!
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- boris
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- uri
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- ivan
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- boris' mom
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CAPITALIST LIFE IS SUCK!
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