399 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
399 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
Article 5180 of alt.zines:
|
|
Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!nott!cunews!freenet.carleton.ca!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!freenet3.scri.fsu.edu!not-for-mail
|
|
From: bfar333@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu (Brian Farmer)
|
|
Newsgroups: alt.zines
|
|
Subject: Fondle my balls... an e-zine, you mook
|
|
Date: 23 Aug 1994 13:34:43 -0400
|
|
Organization: the Ninth Circle O' Hell, where the big Red Guy dwells...
|
|
Lines: 381
|
|
Message-ID: <33dbvj$fs8@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu>
|
|
NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet3.scri.fsu.edu
|
|
Summary: Annoying waste of bandwidth posing as zine
|
|
Keywords: zine,annoying,waste,ferret,cheese,lube,strap-on-flesh-zucchini,stuff
|
|
Lubrication: Astroglide
|
|
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
|
|
|
|
[insert pointlessly huge ASCII logo here]
|
|
|
|
|
|
FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY)
|
|
|
|
ISSUE 1,
|
|
|
|
VOLUME I,
|
|
|
|
THE YEAR 1, ANNO MCMAHONIUM
|
|
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY) is published whenever I can get it together and
|
|
implies no guarantees as to prolonged existance.
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
FMB(W) is solely staffed, edited, typed, written and generally propagated by
|
|
the GOD OF THUNDER, grievous (aka bfar333@freenet.scri.fsu.edu). Any problems
|
|
with the content, reviews or whatever can be written out (in longhand, please)
|
|
on plain white 8 1/2" X 11" paper, folded until they're all sharp corners and
|
|
then gently thrust into thy nether regions. Be sure to say "hi!" to your
|
|
colon for me!
|
|
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
I may start a FONDLE MY BALLS WWW area on my home page - who knows? If you'd
|
|
like to view it's current sordid state of devolvement, get thine ass to:
|
|
|
|
http://www.cyberspace.org/u/grievous/www/home_page.html
|
|
|
|
Or not - it's your life.
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
"She was being stalked by her own alternate personality." Well, ain't
|
|
that a bitch.
|
|
|
|
Anyways, if you detect a note of stark, shrill terror in my writing, it's
|
|
because I just acquired a job which starts tomorrow. I am personally opposed
|
|
to the bullshit slacker-as-icon aesthetic which proliferated for a while (much
|
|
shorter than the media would have you believe), but dammit I HATE WORKING. I
|
|
hate going into work every fucking day, seeing all those hapless dickheads
|
|
going about their work and LOVING IT. Or at least tolerating it. Meanwhile
|
|
I'm nauseated by merely talking to anyone I don't know and feel like I have a
|
|
rampant case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at the end of the day... Oh,
|
|
well - nevermind. Just rambling...
|
|
|
|
Uhm, give me some feedback on what you think of the zine and stuff - it's
|
|
intended to be modest, short, dull. Send me some e-mail if you want
|
|
(grievous@cyberspace.org or bfar333@freenet.fsu.edu) and I may write back.
|
|
I'm not going to say "subscribe!" because I don't know if there will be an
|
|
issue 2. Eep.
|
|
|
|
Send me nude .gifs of Ernest Borgnine. Tell me about your sexual
|
|
escapades with a riding lawnmower. Send me captured netsex files. Sign a
|
|
release and let me use them. Just kidding. I don't _need_ a release.
|
|
|
|
Anyways, later for now, enjoy the spew and stuff.
|
|
|
|
[grievous]
|
|
|
|
|
|
###################################
|
|
T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
|
|
###################################
|
|
|
|
|
|
Oh, fuck you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
##############################################
|
|
# M U S I C K #
|
|
#############################################
|
|
|
|
BUZZOV*EN - SORE (ROADRUNNER)
|
|
12 songs.
|
|
|
|
Lacerating sheet-metal-tearing numbing manic noise from the NC boys, as usual.
|
|
"To A Frown" (their last album) was perhaps edging more towards the slow
|
|
torture side, while this slab sees them going full on meth-jitter apeshit.
|
|
From the opening mortar-blast scree of "Sore" to the bluesy lurch of "Hollow"
|
|
to the slow pound of "Pathetic" to the final searing cautery of "This is
|
|
Not..." you'll swear these guys are the sickest brutal fucks on the planet.
|
|
Where EYEHATEGOD wallows in piss and liquor, BUZZOV*EN snorts about 3 kilos of
|
|
crank and grabs you by your face and shoots off little bits of your flesh with
|
|
their stentorian shotgun-blast. HATEFUL shit here - kirk's voice fucking
|
|
drips pain into your unsuspecting mind, while the guitars buzz scream and howl
|
|
most improperly under the pick's relentless assault. Dig - they sound like
|
|
they're physically trying to break their strings; how they make it through a
|
|
whole song with all 6 intact I don't know. Here, chew on this broken glass
|
|
for a while...
|
|
|
|
MELVINS - TANKS 7"
|
|
MELVINS - "With Yo Heart.../4 Letter Woman/Anal Satan" 7" (SYMPATHY)
|
|
MELVINS - NIGHTGOAT 7" (AMPHETAMINE REPTILE)
|
|
|
|
Der meisters of trudge-spew have spewed forth these slabs at some point
|
|
previous to now (whether these are dated or not, I have literally no idea -
|
|
although I know "Nightgoat" is a bit aged). We'll start from the beginning,
|
|
eh?
|
|
"TANKS" appears to be a bootleg (?) of a Peel Session, which generally
|
|
don't have great sound quality - witness Napalm Death's Peel Session. But, of
|
|
course, the material shines through the sloppy production in a most excellent
|
|
performance with the "Bullhead" lineup. Kicking off with "Leech" (credited to
|
|
Turner/Arm - Mudhoney? Green River?), a most excellent haunting dirge with
|
|
krush-groove guitars and Buzz's manic yelping and crooning, you know this
|
|
vinyl is classic. Den de boyz slam der geetars into "Euthanasia", another
|
|
instant classic of Melvin-o-phonia; the real surprise I guess is the last
|
|
track "Theme," which reminds me of the Pain Teens a bit with sampled voices in
|
|
the background and squealing guitars; it reminds me of Godflesh a bit, too.
|
|
This one is generally priced at around 5 bucks but is definitely worth it for
|
|
the Melvins fan.
|
|
The Sympathy For The Record Industry single (which doesn't seem to have an
|
|
official title) is definitely worth the 2.50 I paid for it (even with the
|
|
scratches on side 1 - ahem) but doesn't grab me as an instant classic - it
|
|
catches the Mel's in their more rock-like incarnation (which also features the
|
|
same lineup as "TANKS" funny-funny) but is still quite good. Side A is
|
|
another cover (written by A. Wood/K. Wood - who?!) and is pretty amusing; it
|
|
gets heavy towards the end; the music on this (and the whole thing) just kind
|
|
of lacks the "OOMPH!" I expect from the Melvins... It's close to the rockier
|
|
stuff on "Bullhead" or "Ozma" I suppose. Side B starts with "Four Letter
|
|
Woman" which is pretty fast and groovy, it ain't "Honey Bucket" though. Last
|
|
up is "Anal Satan" which is basically samples and yelling and drum machines,
|
|
sort of the Melvins do "Rock Box".
|
|
"Nightgoat" b/w "Adolescent Wet Dream" (credited to Jon Spencer - Pussy
|
|
Galore?) is probably tied with "Tanks" for coolness; the version of
|
|
"Nightgoat" is fucking AMAZING compared to the "Houdini" version (which is
|
|
planet-shattering in it's own right) - it's a bit longer, slower, deeper and
|
|
heavier. If you told me K.K. Null was playing second guitar on it I wouldn't
|
|
be surprised... The B-side is pretty cool and punky, more in the heavy vein
|
|
than the Sympathy single. ARGH!
|
|
|
|
BECK - ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE (K)
|
|
16 songs.
|
|
|
|
I quite like this tape - it expands on the folky/bluesy/slightly countryedge
|
|
of tunes like "Pay No Mind" and "Whiskeyclone, Hotel City" from "Mellow Gold",
|
|
but with a more raw, genuine feel. The damn thing runs from traditional
|
|
folkisms to semi-punk (albeit with a valium coma) to the droning weirdness of
|
|
"Mellow Gold". There are two other vocalists who appear, albeit briefly, but
|
|
they also add a nicely unique flavor; this record will get no pop-play (damn)
|
|
but definitely goes towards proving that the Hansen boy has plenty of talent.
|
|
How someone so frigging young can sound so... Hmm. Pretty good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@pointless@@border@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
Foaming Evil Death (no, not those birth control thingies)
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@waste@@o'@@space@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
|
|
A REVIEW OF...ahem, SOAP!
|
|
|
|
No, not that stupid shit your mom wastes brain cells
|
|
watching all day, every day - the crap most folks use to
|
|
clean their filthy, disgusting (oops - that's the christian
|
|
in me talking) bodies.
|
|
|
|
Let us begin, yes? (one to five *'s)
|
|
|
|
OIL OF OLAY BATH BAR
|
|
***1/2
|
|
|
|
As bar soaps go, this is a good one - not too much
|
|
aroma, a good lather (although starting it up can take time)
|
|
and it doesn't dry your oh-so-sensitive skin out (wuss). The
|
|
aroma is nothing like Oil of Olay itself - it's more of a
|
|
Ivory-floral type thing. If you're stuck with bar soap, this
|
|
is a good one. I also recommend:
|
|
|
|
LEVER 2000
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
My personal favorite bar soap at the moment - a nicely
|
|
neutral odor, hella-lather and it's pretty fuckin cheap; the
|
|
only fault I can find is that some bars have a bit of a
|
|
grainy/mealy feel to them. Generally the quality is
|
|
consistently good, however.
|
|
|
|
DOVE (Pink or white)
|
|
* (and that's being generous)
|
|
|
|
This shit sucks - if I wanted to smell like a fuckin'
|
|
rose I'd hang out at the perfume counter in Dillard's. It
|
|
feels nasty, it smells like floral napalm and it's way over-
|
|
priced.
|
|
|
|
DIAL ANTIBACTERIAL LIQUID SOAP
|
|
**
|
|
|
|
I used to love this stuff - an interesting orangey
|
|
stench and a good lather combined with the oh-so-important
|
|
benefit of killing germs. Now I hate this shit; maybe it has
|
|
something to do with being stuck in a hotel room and the only
|
|
soap we had was either those miniscule hotel soaps (which
|
|
suck) or this shit; going down on someone who's used this can
|
|
be, um, gross.
|
|
|
|
DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT CASTILE SOAP
|
|
***** (actually off the friggin' scale)
|
|
|
|
Go forth to your local health-nut/granola-bar/hippie
|
|
health food store and acquire some of this - it will be there
|
|
somewhere (usually between the cracked bulghur wheat and the
|
|
carob chunks). Not only does it dilute 1-to-3 with water, it
|
|
still works after that; the aroma of peppermint is nicely
|
|
jarring _and_ it makes your naughty bits tingle (no
|
|
joke!!!). What the hell else could you ask for?! Oh, it
|
|
also provides hours of amusement in the form of the
|
|
Essene/hippy propaganda all over the label... The perfect
|
|
soap - the Platonic Ideal thereof. I would imagine that the
|
|
Almond, Eucalyptus and other varieties are also pretty good.
|
|
|
|
IVORY
|
|
**
|
|
|
|
Ah, good old stolid Ivory - like that ex you can call
|
|
for sex when you're at your lowest. Ivory is pretty cheap,
|
|
which is no doubt it's saving grace; it doesn't smell
|
|
particularly good, it doesn't feel really great but it's
|
|
cheap... Oh! And it FLOATS!!!
|
|
|
|
SOFTSOAP
|
|
*
|
|
|
|
Ick - it looks like semen, it smells like that cheap
|
|
shit perfume they sell in Target (or so I'm told) and it
|
|
barely lathers... Top that off with the fact that the shit
|
|
sticks to your skin like napalm sticks to kids and it's a
|
|
lose-lose thing. Somehow, whenever I use this crap I always
|
|
wind up with little bubbles in the hair on my arms - go
|
|
figger.
|
|
|
|
BATHROOM SOAP
|
|
Green kind (dish soap) **
|
|
Yellow kind (Smurf urine) *1/2
|
|
Blue kind (Windex cut with Dawn) **
|
|
The "Other" Blue Kind (it works!) ***
|
|
|
|
Alright, you're done with whatever you were doing in the
|
|
restroom there - I'm not asking - and you need to rinse your
|
|
hands clear of the, shall we say, residue of your
|
|
transaction. Haplessly you walk towards the sinks and pray
|
|
that the blower-thing works and that there is actually SOAP
|
|
in the dispenser. (side note: does anyone else worry that
|
|
there are deviants who urinate into the dispensers? I mean,
|
|
I've seen shit-graffiti in the stalls, who fucking KNOWS what
|
|
these assholes do when they get out of them) If there is
|
|
actually soap in the dispenser and it's the GREEN kind, well
|
|
it will work well enough - it's dish soap usually.
|
|
Occasionally it's Comet. If it's the YELLOW kind you might
|
|
as well just rush back to the stall and scrub your hands off
|
|
in the toilet - the yellow soap is basically worthless unless
|
|
you have about 10 minutes to kill scrubbing your hands.
|
|
Dammit. If it's the first (generally light-) BLUE kind,
|
|
you're also shitouttaluckmyloc - it feels like cheap cheap
|
|
cheap (frink) dishsoap mixed with Ammonia-D...it will burn
|
|
some skin off of your hands, if you're lucky. If it's the
|
|
saving grace of bathroom soaps, BLUE type B (generally
|
|
darker than the first one) you're in luck - it foams, it
|
|
scrubs, it smells good and it comes off. Don't have too much
|
|
fun with the blower now, 'kay?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
##########################
|
|
ISN'T THE INTERNET _FUN_?!
|
|
##########################
|
|
|
|
[captured from the Coffeehouse haven]
|
|
|
|
(18, Johann) talk!
|
|
(18, Johann) please!
|
|
(22, mark) i want to taste your hot cum and lick your hairy balls
|
|
(22, mark) slowly snake into your hole and lick and poke my tounge deep into
|
|
it
|
|
(22, mark) tasting your manhood
|
|
(22, mark) I lift you legs up and look deep into your eyes and slowly slide
|
|
insi
|
|
(22, mark) pumping in and out and staring deep into your eyes
|
|
(18, Johann) yeeeesssssssssssss
|
|
(22, mark) going faster and faster
|
|
(22, mark) igrab you thick cock and jack it hard making you cum all over
|
|
(22, mark) yourself
|
|
(22, mark) i lick your stomack clean while i fuck you harder and harder
|
|
(18, Johann) oh yeah....
|
|
(18, Johann) that was good
|
|
(22, mark) finaly i scream and shot hot loads deeps into your ass
|
|
(22, mark) i fall on you and we kiss and fondle till we fall asleep
|
|
(18, Johann) ohm thank you
|
|
|
|
[Coffeehouse's address is eleven.uccs.edu port 2525]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
##########################
|
|
A SMALL INTERNET DIRECTORY
|
|
##########################
|
|
|
|
This is a small listing of sites...
|
|
|
|
Places to get an online account & e-mail address:
|
|
|
|
freenet.hut.fi (port 23) (type LANGUAGE= and then eng at a prompt)
|
|
grex.cyberspace.org (port 23)
|
|
freenet.hsc.colorado.edu (port 23)
|
|
freenet.scri.fsu.edu (guess which port!)
|
|
cts.com (login as pnet, I think - I don't recall off hand)
|
|
|
|
Places to go fuck around and meet people (or make nifty capture files of
|
|
netsex hubba hubba):
|
|
|
|
Coffeehouse - eleven.uccs.edu 2525
|
|
The Eagle's Nest - eagle.ibc.edu 2525
|
|
Opium Den - cns.cscns.com 1234 (also eclat.uccs.edu 4000?)
|
|
Hotel California - neuromancer.hacks.arizona.edu 6060
|
|
Surfers - muscle.rai.kcl.ac.uk 3232
|
|
Undernet (shit) IRC - vinson.ecn.uoknor.edu 6677
|
|
|
|
Anyone have any addresses they want in here, lemme know... Otherwise I'll
|
|
just have to find and post them myself.
|
|
|
|
|
|
###################################
|
|
5 10220111011 20110220110101 MY ASS
|
|
###################################
|
|
|
|
From: jburgin@unixmail.haverford.edu (Joshua M. Burgin)
|
|
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord (!)
|
|
Subject: Re: Thanks and help.
|
|
Date: 22 Jul 1994 16:54:44 GMT
|
|
Lines: 22
|
|
Message-ID: <30otkk$3sa@saturn.haverford.edu>
|
|
References: <1994Jul22.162609.6182@zippy.dct.ac.uk>
|
|
NNTP-Posting-Host: 165.82.1.37
|
|
|
|
5 010102 100015 <mcscs1jcwj@zippy.dct.ac.uk> writes:
|
|
>Thanks to the guy who helped me create alt.radio.uk
|
|
>
|
|
>And while I'm at it , where the hell is
|
|
>alt.beneficient.daemons.bless.curse.bless ??
|
|
>
|
|
> dMMMM .aMMMb dMP.aMMMb dMP.aMMMb.aMMMMb dMP.aMMMb .aMMMb .aMMMb
|
|
dMPdMMMM
|
|
> dMP dMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPMP .PP"adMPdMP"VMPdMP"dMPdMP"dMPadMPdMP
|
|
> dMMMMbdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP dMPdMP dMP .dP" dMPdMP dMPdMP dMPdMP dMP
|
|
dMPdMMMMb
|
|
> dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP dMPdMP.dMP .dP" dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMPdMP.dMP dMP dMP
|
|
>MMMP" VMMMP" dMP VMMMP" dMP VMMP" .dPMMMP dMP VMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMPVMMMP"
|
|
|
|
I just had to warlord this .sig again. This guy really needs to be
|
|
taken outside and shot. Better yet, someone should make him learn
|
|
EBDIC, all versions. And while were at it, he should be able to
|
|
recite all of JCL.
|
|
|
|
Joshua
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
#############
|
|
ANYFUCKINGWAY
|
|
#############
|
|
|
|
Hope to see you next time, assuming there is one. Send me your
|
|
extraneous bullshit and I'll use it if I like it.
|
|
|
|
Take it as you will;
|
|
|
|
[grievous]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
EOF
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|