501 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
501 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Warning: This issue of NutWorks contains material which may offend some
|
|
readers.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
@@@ @@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@
|
|
@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@
|
|
@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@ @ @@ @@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@
|
|
@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@ @@
|
|
@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@
|
|
@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@ @@ @@@ @@ @@@
|
|
@@@@ @@@ @@@ @@@
|
|
|
|
Electronic Humor Magazine.
|
|
|
|
Issue024, (Volume VI, Number IV). July, 1988.
|
|
|
|
NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
|
|
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Mary had an aeroplane
|
|
Around the world she'd whisk.
|
|
Wasn't she a silly girl
|
|
Her little * ?
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Contents
|
|
========
|
|
NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
|
|
The Shit List .................. Dictionary
|
|
The Return of the
|
|
Two-dollar Hangover .......... Story
|
|
Great Exam Lies ................ Observations
|
|
Rules for Writers .............. Essay
|
|
Ouch, Mosquito ................. Poem
|
|
The View from Up Here .......... Essay
|
|
The Orbs of Oppenheimre ........ Story
|
|
God: The Ultimate
|
|
Autobiography ................ Book Review
|
|
The Committee .................. Poem
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
NewsWorks
|
|
=========
|
|
|
|
Agent 3 stood motionless in the dark cellar, hidden from the stairway
|
|
by one of the many partially dismembered corpses hanging from the
|
|
ceiling. Suddenly, the door slowly creaked open, and Agent 3's gut
|
|
tightened as he heard the descending footfalls. He'd been waiting for
|
|
this moment for the past eight months, but now, all was lost. It would
|
|
be only a matter of seconds before the man he was supposed to kill would
|
|
find him hiding here, helpless. Agent 3 had broken into this forsaken
|
|
place only an hour ago, and it was only after any chance of leaving again
|
|
was lost that he had realized to his horror that he had lost his bullet
|
|
clip somewhere outside. His only chance now was to bluff. He reaffirmed
|
|
his grip on his empty .357, and counted.
|
|
Four more steps before the evil Dr. Flambe reached the bottom, when
|
|
Agent 3 would whirl around, squeeze his trigger, and end the deadly
|
|
criminal's miserable life. At least, that would have been the plan had
|
|
he not lost his shells. Now, all he could hope to do is bluff long
|
|
enough to get out. He had a plan, and it just might work. Three more
|
|
steps. Agent 3's heart beat madly. Two more. Sweat began trickling
|
|
steadily down his face. One more step... There! Agent 3 whirled around,
|
|
took aim, and shouted "Freeze, Flambe!" through his clenched teeth.
|
|
A devilish grin came over Dr. Flambe's face and he began to chuckle
|
|
wickedly as he reached into his pocket and withdrew... Agent 3's lost
|
|
clip! Agent 3's heart sank with dread. Suddenly...
|
|
|
|
WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
|
|
ANNOUNCEMENT. AND NOW, DAN RATHERNOT IN WASHINGTON:
|
|
|
|
Dan: Hello, I'm Dan Rathernot. We here at the NutWorks NewsDesk have
|
|
just received word that, starting in August, NutWorks magazine will be
|
|
published no less than twice each month. Our vast hoards of marketing
|
|
researchers have determined that you, our readers, would prefer to
|
|
receive NutWorks magazine more often, given a slight cut in the size of
|
|
each issue.
|
|
We take you know, live, to correspondent Boopsie McBigones at the
|
|
press conference being given at NutWorks headquarters. Boopsie...?
|
|
|
|
Boopsie: Thanks, Dan. The editor of NutWorks is approching the podium.
|
|
Let's listen in.
|
|
|
|
Editor: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, NutWorks is just this
|
|
magazine, you know? And... Boopsie? Is that you back there? Hey!
|
|
Why don't you get your cute little... um.. or rather, perhaps you'd
|
|
like to come to my office for an exclusive interview?
|
|
|
|
Boopsie: On my way!
|
|
|
|
Editor: Great. Well, that's about it. Thank you all for coming. Bye.
|
|
|
|
Dan: Well, there you have it folks. This is Dan Rathernot.
|
|
|
|
WE RETURN YOU NOW TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN
|
|
PROGRESS.
|
|
|
|
"Wow, that was a close one, Agent 3." said Commander Hunt as they
|
|
watched the ambulence doors close on Dr. Flambe's dead body. "You barely
|
|
made it out of there!"
|
|
"All in a day's work, Commander." said Agent 3, and he walked off
|
|
silently into the night.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Shit List
|
|
=============
|
|
(Author unknown)
|
|
Submitted by <Martin@WSUVM1>
|
|
|
|
GHOST SHIT -- That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit
|
|
on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
|
|
|
|
CLEAN SHIT -- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but
|
|
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
|
|
|
|
WET SHIT -- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
|
|
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your
|
|
butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown
|
|
stain.
|
|
|
|
SECOND WAVE SHIT -- It happens when you're done shitting. You've pulled
|
|
your pants up to your knees, and then you realize
|
|
that you have to shit some more.
|
|
|
|
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT, or
|
|
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT -- The kind where you strain so much to
|
|
get it out that you practically have
|
|
a stroke.
|
|
|
|
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT -- The kind of shit where you shit so much you lose
|
|
30 pounds.
|
|
|
|
CORN SHIT -- Self explanatory.
|
|
|
|
LINCOLN LOG SHIT -- The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid
|
|
to flush the toilet without breaking it up into a few
|
|
pieces.
|
|
|
|
DRINKER'S SHIT -- That's the kind of shit you have the morning after a
|
|
long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is
|
|
the tread marks left in the bottom of the toilet.
|
|
|
|
"GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" shit -- It's the kind where you want to shit,
|
|
but all you do is sit on the toilet
|
|
cramped and fart a few times.
|
|
|
|
BLOODY SHIT -- Self explanatory.
|
|
|
|
SPINAL TAP SHIT -- That's the kind that hurts so much coming out that you
|
|
swear it's leaving you sideways.
|
|
|
|
WET CHEEKS SHIT, or
|
|
POWER DUMP -- That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that
|
|
your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
|
|
|
|
LIQUID SHIT -- The kind where a yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of your
|
|
butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl,
|
|
the whole time chronically burning your anus.
|
|
|
|
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT -- a class all it's own.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Return of the Two-dollar Hangover
|
|
=====================================
|
|
(Or, How To Implode Yourself)
|
|
by Q
|
|
|
|
Oswald the Rolling Donut smiled in joy as he put down the story. "That
|
|
Karl sure was lucky!", he beamed, and then imploded.
|
|
|
|
The watermelon thought; then it thought again. Again it thought. I
|
|
think it thought again, thought I, and the melon thought so too. It won-
|
|
dered how the donut had imploded; it tried to implode, but could only
|
|
make an "eep" sound, no matter how hard it tried. "Eep", went the melon;
|
|
"eep" it went again. Eventually, the watermelon got very very bored and
|
|
turned on the TV.
|
|
|
|
Very far away from the TV, on a great big farm, there lived a Russian
|
|
boy. He liked to play with his friends; he liked to eat dessert, and he
|
|
didn't like school. All in all, he was a very average boy - so average
|
|
that he grew into an average man. One day, when he was 83, he died of
|
|
old age. The doctors said it was all totally natural. No one suspected
|
|
anything.
|
|
|
|
Also far from the TV lived an evil clown. His name was Blotto, and it
|
|
was his wont to do evil, clownish things. Oh, was that little Russian
|
|
boy lucky that he never ran into Blotto! Blotto ran a terrible, nasty
|
|
circus, where people didn't wear clothes and Pop Tarts weren't allowed.
|
|
It was a bad place. People there ate chared glass and wrote "Bleah" on
|
|
their foreheads with big purple markers. No, sir... the Russian boy
|
|
wouldn't have liked that.
|
|
|
|
Oswald stood up. He hadn't really imploded, technically... he had
|
|
swallowed and hiccuped at the same time, and we all know how THAT feels.
|
|
Dragging the corpse out of the way, he grated some cheese for the taco
|
|
dinner. Oswald loved mexican food. His friend should be there any
|
|
minute!
|
|
|
|
A knock sounded at the front door. Turning off the garbage disposal,
|
|
Oswald rolled giddishly to the door. Opening it, he saw his friend...
|
|
Charles Nelson Reilly! "Hi Chuckster!", he hollered. Charles looked at
|
|
him and threw up enchiladas. Then he imploded.
|
|
|
|
"Eep!", went the melon. Damn! This was so frustrating. He kicked
|
|
the TV; the TV told him "Bleah."
|
|
|
|
The janitor bit deep into her hand. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!", screamed
|
|
our heroine as she hit the custodian in the head with her toaster-oven.
|
|
With a wild cry, she dove off the landing and fell 19 flights of stairs.
|
|
It was no problem, however... she had luckily worn her no-run mascara, so
|
|
disaster was averted.
|
|
|
|
Ulysses S. Grant sat down, not noticing the watermelon on the seat
|
|
that he had mushed. He looked at the TV; the TV looked back. "Hey!", it
|
|
cryed, "You're supposed to be dead!"
|
|
|
|
"Oh! Sorry," said the deceased president; "I get confused sometimes,"
|
|
he confessed as he crumbled into ashes.
|
|
|
|
Oswald the donut wondered if crumbling into ashes was harder than
|
|
imploding. Not being able to decide, he ate himself.
|
|
|
|
He was a jelly.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Great Exam Lies
|
|
===============
|
|
by Dr. Strangeloop and The Eater of Babies
|
|
|
|
(1) "All the data you need will be printed on the front of the paper."
|
|
(2) "You only need to answer two questions to pass."
|
|
(3) "It's not a test of memory, it's a test of ability."
|
|
(4) "There's plenty of time to read through the paper before you start."
|
|
(5) (from the lecture course) "I probably won't test you on this."
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Rules for Writers (by William Safire)
|
|
combined with
|
|
Newsman's English (by Harold Evans)
|
|
=====================================
|
|
submitted by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>
|
|
|
|
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be
|
|
used. Do not put statements in the negative form, and don't use no
|
|
double negatives. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Proofread
|
|
carefully to see if you any words out. If you reread your work, you can
|
|
find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading
|
|
and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't
|
|
start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a
|
|
terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
|
|
Use apostrophe's correctly, and don't use commas, which, aren't neces-
|
|
sary. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
|
|
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. About those sentence frag-
|
|
ments. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any
|
|
word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the
|
|
bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that
|
|
sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with
|
|
singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The
|
|
adverb always follows the verb. Corect speling is esential. Last but
|
|
not least, avoid trite cliches like the plague.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ouch, Mosquito
|
|
==============
|
|
by Mitchell Peck
|
|
Submitted by Hugh Cushing <UI.HUGH@CU20B>
|
|
|
|
Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
|
|
Why pierce my skin, so white?
|
|
You grow plump, as a leech.
|
|
Stop! I beseech (in vein).
|
|
|
|
I have no choice.
|
|
Why waste my voice,
|
|
When only a slap will do?
|
|
Ouch, I am bitten!
|
|
What ho, you are smitten!
|
|
Yo mosquito, fuck you.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The View from Up Here
|
|
=====================
|
|
by Richard Outerbridge <RAMO@DALAC>
|
|
|
|
I'm Canadian so I'm required to be bland. I'm also not in a particularly
|
|
good mood, so I have no intention of being funny. That was not an apol-
|
|
ogy. If you don't like it, don't read it.
|
|
|
|
I want some answers from you who are Americans. Whoever is in charge of
|
|
answers had better get to it, or I'll get unpleasant. If you've never
|
|
seen an unpleasant Canadian, DON'T RISK IT!
|
|
|
|
I know what a Bush is. This, for example:
|
|
|
|
AM AM AM AM
|
|
\AM/AM-AM/\AM/\AM-AM
|
|
/AM\AM AM\AM/AM
|
|
AM-AM/AM\AM/\AM
|
|
AM-\/\/\/\AM-AM
|
|
/\/
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
-----
|
|
=====
|
|
|
|
is an amBush. This:
|
|
=======
|
|
| Bud |
|
|
=======
|
|
|
|
is an AnheiserBush. This:
|
|
|
|
Bu**sh**
|
|
|
|
is an expletive-free Bush. I even know what a "Jacks on" is. But what,
|
|
pray tell, is a Dukakis? You'd better tell me because I've decided it
|
|
will become your President. In fact, there doesn't seem much point in
|
|
going on with this election nonsense. I'll save you all a lot of fuss
|
|
and bother, and announce the appointment next week sometime. I realize
|
|
that this will interfere with your collective efforts to bother the rest
|
|
of the world, but I'm rather fed up with the lack of originality you've
|
|
been exhibiting.
|
|
|
|
My next question is more mundane. Why do you keep sending us products
|
|
with shoddy and incomplete ingredients lists? In the future, please
|
|
either: a) List ALL ingredients NOT included in the formation of the
|
|
item, or b) List ALL ingredients which you failed to disinclude. A mix-
|
|
ture of both of these philosophies is not acceptable.
|
|
|
|
It also essential that you detail the thought processes (if any) occur-
|
|
ring in any of the employee's of the manufacturer involved in the forma-
|
|
tion and distribution of all products. We are all tired of trying to
|
|
deduce whether or not to avoid using certain batches because there was a
|
|
real danger that those involved in bringing them to us were not engaging
|
|
in meaningful thought about South Africa as they went about their
|
|
business.
|
|
|
|
One kind thought for you: Don't worry about whether or not to legalize
|
|
drugs. We don't care one way or the other.
|
|
|
|
Regards,
|
|
Neo-Socrates
|
|
|
|
P.S. If you have time please explain baseball. Unless a very convincing
|
|
justification for this is received, statements in the passive voice
|
|
will cease, and ice hockey will replace all slower, less demanding,
|
|
less suspenseful competitive pursuits (except those entailing mating
|
|
behavior. American mating behavior is still amusing).
|
|
|
|
P.P.S. If everyone really likes the taste of Burger King (King Burger, as
|
|
my very adorable wife calls it) better than McDonalds (my favorite
|
|
Scottish restaurant), why do so many people engage in ecosystem ex-
|
|
changes (receiving and donating) at the latter venues? (Hypothesis:
|
|
the virus is detectable through its side effects - the demise of the
|
|
Southern Barbarians is not the work of an omniscient or unsportsman-
|
|
like being).
|
|
|
|
P.P.P.S. Re-read this often.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Orbs of Oppenheimre
|
|
=======================
|
|
by Geoffrey "ZAPHOD" Heller <96994999@WSUVM1>
|
|
|
|
Ronalled had been climbing for days now, yet the peak of Mt. Saltan was
|
|
not even in sight. His food was getting low, he was thoroughly tired,
|
|
and the insects had not ceased to bite at his every limb since he left
|
|
Amacrion. He fondled the small orb in his purse. Little did anyone know
|
|
he carried such a powerful weapon, he thought. Climbing still, he con-
|
|
sidered his meeting with Gorbacon of Sobied. He couldn't stand Gorbacon,
|
|
but his desire for a peaceful relationship with the Sobieds was more
|
|
pressing than his dislikes. This was finally a plan for a greater peace.
|
|
The destruction of the Orbs of Oppenheimre. He paused momentarily at the
|
|
thought of the great Orb and profoundly said, "Gee".
|
|
|
|
Years ago, when war was still raging between the Amacrions and the
|
|
Sobieds, the Lord Ronalled had requested the creation of a superior
|
|
weapon. The great Mage, Oppenheimre, replied with the creation of two
|
|
orbs. They were so named the Orbs of Oppenheimre. When thrown, the Orbs
|
|
could destroy the land for miles around. They also had be used simulta-
|
|
neously. Because if one were used, the other would explode too. (For
|
|
the same reason that people always seem to find a mutant corn flake in
|
|
their cereal on thursdays.) Strangely, no one ever considered the fact
|
|
that nobody could throw over a mile. If was foretold by Seers that upon
|
|
the coming of the great harmonic divergence they would both spontaneously
|
|
explode. (For the same reason that you can't ever find those mutant corn
|
|
flakes after you put the milk in.) The harmonic divergence now crept
|
|
closer with every waking moment.
|
|
|
|
Ronalled considered the history of the Orbs while he walked. He
|
|
gnashed his teeth knowing that Gorbacon only had the other Orb because he
|
|
had stolen it. Overlooking the wrongdoings of Gorbacon, Ronalled focused
|
|
on his goal: To get plastered at the beer garden on Mt. Saltan. At the
|
|
summit of Mt. Saltan the two Lords were to meet and cast the Orbs into
|
|
the endless pit if INFandor. Then the party would really begin.
|
|
|
|
As Ronalled walked on, he noticed something strange. An odd whistling
|
|
accompanied by a noise that sounded like, "uber dere". Faintly he heard
|
|
the bushes rustle behind him. He whirled around only to be smashed on
|
|
the back of the head from behind. The Orb was thrown from his purse.
|
|
Ronalled lay now unconscious. His face was warped into a bizarre and
|
|
unnatural fashion. He had a half frown with terrible hound dog eyes.
|
|
For one fleeting moment he looked like a grotesque cross between Ollie
|
|
North and Benji.
|
|
|
|
Immediately out of the forest came Kadalferi and his band of thieves.
|
|
Well, not thieves. Worse. Golfers. One of Kadalferi's subordinates
|
|
came to him with the rather dull looking orb. Kadalferi briefly looked
|
|
at it and said, "Ah ha! My golf Ball! I knew it was uber dere some-
|
|
where! ... Fore!" With that he proceeded to make the greatest swing of
|
|
his golfing career...
|
|
|
|
Gorbacon looked up and saw the flash. He wanted to say something pro-
|
|
found about Ronalled upon his death. He and Ronalled had been to a lot
|
|
of really wild parties together. Like the time they were both drunk on
|
|
the floor singing Toccata & Fugue in D minor to the beat of "Velcro Fly."
|
|
But all he managed to work out was, "Golly" by the time he was blown to
|
|
McNuggets.
|
|
|
|
With the leaders gone the two kingdoms began a war of hideous accusa-
|
|
tions. "You killed our lord!", "Did not!", "Did too!" and so forth.
|
|
Soon these appalling accusations led into a terrible war which raged for
|
|
decades. It all finally ended when the great philosopher ZAPHOD discov-
|
|
ered the one phrase which truly was analogous to life: "I want to love
|
|
life, but life only wants meaningless sex."
|
|
|
|
The moral of the story is that there are no morals. If truth is
|
|
stranger than fiction then a half-truth perforated with fiction and
|
|
sprinkled with periodic madness is the oddest thing around.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
God: The Ultimate Autobiography
|
|
===============================
|
|
(Holy Ghost-written by Jeremy Pascall)
|
|
submitted by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>
|
|
|
|
Featuring:
|
|
|
|
* THE TRUTH ABOUT ADAM AND EVE, and why they were fired from the world's
|
|
first theme park.
|
|
* SODOM AND GOMORRAH: THE CITIES OF SIN, including street plans, good
|
|
food guides and listings of the best clubs, discos, and bars. And why
|
|
compulsory demolition orders were placed on all of them.
|
|
* BEGETTING: THE DO'S AND DON'T'S, including why you shouldn't covet your
|
|
neighbor's ass.
|
|
|
|
And exclusively revealing:
|
|
|
|
* The Eleventh Commandment!
|
|
* That pigs were *meant* to fly, and rhinos were designed to live under
|
|
stones!
|
|
* That the sky should have been called "Waxtl" but Adam couldn't
|
|
pronounce it!
|
|
|
|
Plus a word for any atheists among you: "Wrong!"
|
|
|
|
Ebury Press - ISBN 0 85223 657 3 - Hardback - $5.95
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Committee
|
|
=============
|
|
by Leslie Lipson
|
|
submitted by Michael J. Irvin <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>
|
|
|
|
Oh give me your pity!
|
|
I'm on a committee,
|
|
Which means that from morning to night,
|
|
|
|
We attend and amend
|
|
And contend and defend
|
|
Without a conclusion in sight.
|
|
|
|
We confer and concur,
|
|
We defer and demur,
|
|
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
|
|
|
|
We revise the agenda
|
|
With frequent addenda
|
|
And consider a load of reports.
|
|
|
|
We compose and propose,
|
|
We suppose and oppose,
|
|
And the points of procedure are fun;
|
|
|
|
But though various notions
|
|
Are brought up as motions,
|
|
There's terribly little gets done.
|
|
|
|
We resolve and absolve;
|
|
But we never dissolve,
|
|
Since it's out of the question for us
|
|
To bring our committee
|
|
To end like this ditty,
|
|
Which stops with a period, thus.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Issue024, (Volume VI, Number IV). July, 1988.
|