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Electronic Humor Magazine.
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Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
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Special Valentine's Day Issue!
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NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
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Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Shower the people you love with love."
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-- James Taylor
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"Shower with the people you love."
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-- Anonymous
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Contents
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========
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NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
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Lover's Quiz #1 ................ Quiz
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First Offender ................. Very Short Story
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Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice
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How to Get a Date .............. More Advice
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Lover's Quiz #2 ................ Yet Another Quiz
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Mixology ....................... History
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NewsWorks
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=========
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Presenting the Special Valentine's Day Issue of NutWorks! In honor
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of the Lovers' Holiday, we have speckled this issue with various art-
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icles about love, dating, and of course, sex. It is our hope that the
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readers of NutWorks -- open-minded, relaxed, laid-back and lovable group
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of individuals that you are -- will make at least a modest effort on
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this neato holiday to join with one another in love, dating, and of
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course, sex. Oh, and remember to always eat your dates; they contain
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no preservatives, there are no crumbs, and no messy wrapper!
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Happy Valentine's Day,
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The NutWorks Staff
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lover's Quiz #1
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===============
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by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
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(Dave got paid a lot more, though)
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Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know
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how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score your-
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self as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for
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each C, and 10 points for each D.
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1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
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to spend?
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A. Guest meal at campus dining services
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B. $5.00 for a few slices
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C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
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D. The price of your physics textbook
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2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
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course of action is to:
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A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
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B. Use one of your favorite lines
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C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
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D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
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him/her back to your friend's single
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3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
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A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
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B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
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C. A painful need for a cold shower
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D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
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textbook
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4. If she says "no" she means:
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A. No
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B. Probably not
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C. Yes
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D. She's gagged and can't answer
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5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
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A. 0-10
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B. 11-14
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C. 15-19
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D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card
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6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
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A. 2 min.
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B. 4 min.
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C. 6 min.
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D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics
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7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
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A. 2-5 min.
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B. 5-7 min.
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C. 7-10 min.
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D. Fall asleep with it
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8. Qualifications for your blind date:
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A. No imperfections
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B. No boy/girlfriend
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C. No particular desire to be seen with you
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D. No sarcoma
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9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
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A. Sunsets
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B. Bork
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C. How he/she's doing
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D. Robotics
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10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
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A. Bought a futon together
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B. Got phone number
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C. Lost him/her in crowd
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D. Temporary restraining order
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Results:
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10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
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21-40 Things could be better.
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41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
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61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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First Offender
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==============
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Only a short sentence, but he was no less shocked to hear it pronounced.
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Never caught before, he had assumed he could get away every time. He
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flashed a helpless, appealing glance towards his anxious relatives. But
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it was too late. He had owned up. He had said "I do."
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-- Dostoevsky <MCB10>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Dear Dr. Diag:
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=============
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Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he
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can. If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking. Send
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your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.
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In keeping with the spirit of this issue of NutWorks, I have dedicated
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this month's column to advice for the lovelorn. -- Dr. D.
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> Dear Dr. Diag.
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> I need your advice regarding a rather embarassing situation. My
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> girlfriend, a gorgeous, buxom redhead, has an insatiable appetite for
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> sex. This is normally a healthy state of affairs, but lately I've
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> been having, well, sort of a problem. I seem to be having a little
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> trouble, um, performing... if you know what I mean. It's not that I
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> don't want to! I guess I've just been under a lot of stress lately
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> with my new job, and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. So when we
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> crawl into bed, my body doesn't want to function in the expected way,
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> and we usually just end up going to sleep.
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> My girlfriend was understanding at first, but I'm beginning to worry
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> that she will take her awesome body and infinite desire elsewhere for
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> satisfaction. Please Dr. Diag, I'll take any advice you can give me.
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> Sincerely, Flaccid
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Dear Flaccid,
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You impotent little turd! You don't *deserve* a girlfriend. You
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don't even deserve to be called a man! Why don't you admit that you're
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a flaming homosexual!
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Ha ha! Just kidding! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?
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But seriously, sometimes the little soldier just doesn't want to
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stand at attention, and there's not a lot you can do about it. I'm sure
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your problem will eventually pass, but in the meantime, here's what we
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can do for your girlfriend: I have developed a series of treatments
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for women in just such a predicament, and I would like to offer my
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services to her, free of charge. With "Dr. Diag's HBI-25 Sexual Tension
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Relief Program", she and I will meet privately for four hours, five times
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per week for five weeks. At our rendezvous, I will, inch-by-inch, strip
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her of her high levels of desire, and tenderly caress her delicate state
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of mind, until we are mutally locked in oral communication, through which
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we arrive at the headwaters of her emotional trauma. Finally, I'll drive
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home the overall thrust of my treatment, convincing her to ride out her
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sticky situation, and will repeatedly drill her with hard questions, the
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answers to which will allow her to slam down on the root of her problems,
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until our session climaxes, rendering her a quivering mass of love for
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you. I guarantee that HBI-25 will keep your girlfriend from straying
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away. I have your address; tell your girlfriend I'll see her Monday at
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noon.
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> Dear Dr. Diag,
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> I'm a nice person, but I have trouble meeting and dating members
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> of the opposite sex. What should I do?
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> Sincerly, Dateless
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Dear Dateless,
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Yours is the most common question I receive this time of year. I
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have asked a respected member of the British dating community to answer
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it. His wisdom appears in the following article.
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-- bcjb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How to Get a Date
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=================
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by the Jabberwock <PM107>
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submitted by JRP
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How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice
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-----------------------------------------------------------
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First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going
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to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn
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all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since
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I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I
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should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.
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Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said
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target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a
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door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the
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bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.
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Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and
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when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a messeage for
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so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper
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to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave
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something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and
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collect it sometime.
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DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
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A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
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The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
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A very rapid ushering out of the room.
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Phrases such as "Get lost, you pervert!"
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GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
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A return visit armed with red rose.
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As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at
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first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the
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bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,
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which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up
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lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room
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with the same number of limbs as you went in with is "Do you come here
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often?" It is the target's room after all.
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HAPPY HUNTING!!!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lover's Quiz #2
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===============
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by Jazzman
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A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibilty. Section One is
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for women, Section Two for men.
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Section One (Women):
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1. When on a date, I like to go:
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A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
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B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
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a few drinks (+10)
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C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)
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2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
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A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
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B) next to my date (+10)
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C) on my date's lap (+15)
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3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
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A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
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kind of girl (-5)
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B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
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C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
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evening (+15)
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4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
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A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
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B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
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C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
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fun-filled evening (+15)
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5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
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A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
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to ask permission from my mom (-10)
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B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
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within the realm of my morals (+10)
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C) consider his performance and accept if he
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played three or more encores (+20)
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Scoring for Women:
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-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
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one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
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only available option for romance.
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15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
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emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
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horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
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Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!
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70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
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kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
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leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
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partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
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you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
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with your best shot!
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Section Two (Men):
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1. When on a date, I like to go:
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A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
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B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
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C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)
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2. When I pick her up, I:
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A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
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B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
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C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
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her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)
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3. My dates usually say:
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A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
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B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
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C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)
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4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
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A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
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or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
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B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
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had (even if I didn't) (+5)
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C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)
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5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
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A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
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and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
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to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
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B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
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kissed on the first one (+5)
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C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)
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Scoring for Men:
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-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
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Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
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your own yourself and the world a favor: commit your-
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self to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
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accountant.
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15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what any
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woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
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not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
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you too could soon be on your way to successful
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dating.
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65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
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art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
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you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
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and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
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around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date
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for any mature woman.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mixology
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========
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(or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Art of Plastering)
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Mixology is, to most people, the art of drink-making and serving.
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While these people could not be more correct, the art of mixology goes
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much deeper than this. To be frank, mixology could be called the "art of
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plastering".
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The art of plastering (mixology) had its primitive beginnings back
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in ancient Viking times when one person (analogous to today's bartender)
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was held responsible for making sure that the troops would have enough
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to drink after each battle, thereby ensuring that the next battle would
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not occur for at least a few days. After all, the guys needed time to
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gather their strength (and often their intestines as well). This was
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indeed a great responsibility, as the failure to complete the task of
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plastering the band could quite possibly lead to horrendous punishment,
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such as being forced to bathe.
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Later, medieval lords and barons would have their hand at mixology,
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and would excel at this art form known as "plastering" (not to be
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confused with "spackling"). Although they found this pastime quite
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enjoyable, they too grew tired quickly of being forced to bathe.
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Mixology arrived as a modern art form in the Rennaisance (i.e.,
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post-1980), when the idea of getting plastered also fostered the idea of
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increaseing one chances with the opposite sex. In fact, the term
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"mixology" comes from the Greek "mixos", which roughly translates to
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"getting plastered and dancing your butt off to try and impress the
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chicks". To a certain degree, many fine Greek institutions still carry
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on this time-honored tradition. A quick inspection of any campus Greek
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installation will prove this point graphically (ahem).
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However, this fine art of plastering has not been without its
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setbacks. Back in 1985, His Grand High Exalted Kissass Ruler Wannabee
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Mario Cuomo raised the official imbibing age in New York to 21 from 19.
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This had a serious effect on the population, as the number of minors who
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could legally purchase beer was cut by a whopping .001 percent due to
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heavily enforced regulation.
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Mixology is an open sport to all who wish to participate. It is not
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restricted by race, creed, color, or stupidity. Mixology is the true
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"sport of jesters". Indeed, it may be a refreshing idea to just sit down
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and try it one day when you're bored and foolish.
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Undeniably, this hearty sport is not for all, though I do urge people
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to give it a chance. In all truth, perhaps the best way to experience
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this beloved rite is just to give it a go. Go on, just get plastered.
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Betcha can't do it just once!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Abou Ben Adhem
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==============
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by James Henry Leigh Hunt
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submitted by JRP
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Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
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Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
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And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
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Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
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An angel writing in a book of gold.
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Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
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And to the presence in the room he said,
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"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
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And with a look made of all sweet accord,
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Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
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"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
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Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
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But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
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Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
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The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
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It came again with a great wakening light,
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And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
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And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
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