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Electronic Humor Magazine.
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Issue019, (Volume V, Number 1). July, 1987.
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NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
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Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Standard Disclaimer
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===================
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From: Marc Kriguer <REMARCK@UCLASSCF>
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(Origin: Dave's Fido, Gardner, MA)
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This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance
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to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where
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prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by
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bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
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shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or
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implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy
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equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB
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approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to
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affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp.
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Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only.
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Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition
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persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
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Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without
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notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary
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if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance
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of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits
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all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of
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non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent
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the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For
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office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop
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in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly.
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Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at
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time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file,
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unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental
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or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure
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to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.
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Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial
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penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling
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rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your
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receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin.
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Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly
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endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west
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of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible.
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Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions
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before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt
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delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this
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engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in
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code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only
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in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with
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same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check
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here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price
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does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for
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children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly
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prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No
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anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for
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resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull
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down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash.
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Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for
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identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back
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of previous stub. Decision of judges is final.
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This supersedes all previous notices.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Contents
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========
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NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
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Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
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Clone of My Own ................ Song
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This Is the Title of
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This Story, Which Is
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Also Found Several Times
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in the Story Itself ............ Story
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Noah and the Ark ............... Joke
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NewsWorks
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=========
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(If news = none Then news <-- good.)
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It's NutWorks Humor, the magazine that has been called many things
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but never "A Dylan-esque tune with a driving beat" and this is the first
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issue of Summer, 1987. (Another thing NutWorks has never been called is
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"on schedule.")
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Seeing how it's that laid-back time of year when people everywhere
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toss all thoughts of an honest day's work to the wind, the NutWorks
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staff feels no guilt in informing our readers that we have basically
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been on vacation since mid-May, and so are taking this opportunity to
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publish some of the readers' contributions that have been sitting around
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taking up valuable disk space for the past two and a half years.
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Enjoy! Oh, and if you're ever at the Carlisle Hotel in Montego Bay,
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say hi to Sherry for us, ok? Thanks.
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Le Staff de NutWorks
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Living smack in the middle of a place like Maine means that you
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have to drive a fairly good distance to get anywhere that doesn't
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look like a Jack Daniel's ad. You know the ones where there's a
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black and white picture of some old redneck with no teeth to speak of,
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wearing overalls and a baseball cap with the visor flipped up, and he's
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sitting on the back of a '68 Ford flatbed pickup truck whittling
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toothpicks out of a two-by-six pine plank? I have to drive a long way
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to escape that sort of thing up here.
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One of things I've noticed while driving across this great land of
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ours is this: The people who make road signs have Q-tips Cotton
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Swabs(tm) for brains.
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I'm not talking about your average, humdrum road sign like "STOP"
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or "YIELD" to which the average, intelligent American driver pays little
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or no attention in the first place. No. I'm talking about the kind of
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road signs that make you wonder if the guys down at the DOT are running
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with a full frame of resident pages, if you get my proverbial drift.
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These are some of my favorites:
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LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT
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Tell me, does the placement of this sign on the highway imply some
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action on my part as a motorist? I mean, just how "low-flying" are
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these aircraft? What am I supposed to do if I see one? Duck? Should
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I assume that the aircraft has the right of way? This sign is about
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as valuable as its cousin:
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WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS
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(little picture of an avalanche)
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"Well officer the reason I rear-ended the school bus was because I
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had my eyes peeled on that mountainside so I could swerve to avoid any
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boulders that happened to come loose as I drove past..."
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ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION
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PASS AT YOUR OWN RISK
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What this sign means is, if, as you are driving through the con-
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struction area past the ten or twelve road workers who are standing
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around in small groups with their hands in their pockets discussing
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whether or not the color of the steam-roller conforms to their union
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contract, and one of them flicks a cigarette butt your way which ignites
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your gas tank and your car explodes, you cannot hold them liable for
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damages.
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NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE
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No verb this sentence.
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BLASTING AREA. TURN OFF TWO-WAY RADIOS.
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I wonder how many crazed pyromaniacs drive around with a carload of
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walkie-talkies looking for these babies, hmm?
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MEN IN TREES
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Don't worry guys, evolution is your friend.
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LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES
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"Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..."
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HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR TIRES LATELY?
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This is on the Maine turnpike just after you come over "The Bridge"
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from New Hampshire. It serves as a reminder to tourists that it could
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snow at any minute without warning.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Clone of My Own
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===============
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by Randall Garrett
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Sung to the tune of "Home on the Range"
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Oh, give me a clone
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Of my own flesh and bone
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With the Y chromosome changed to X.
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And when she is grown,
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My very own clone,
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We'll be of the opposite sex.
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Chorus:
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Clone, clone of my own,
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With the Y chromosome changed to X.
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And when we're alone,
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Since her mind is my own,
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She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also
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Found Several Times in the Story Itself
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=======================================
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by David Moser
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Submitted by David N. Blank <BLANK@BRANDEIS>
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This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second
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sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several
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times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic
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value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in
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case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential
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story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own
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structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to
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the first paragraph.
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This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-
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referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist
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of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you
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that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old
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and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward
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nature of the self-referential narrative form while recognizing the
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strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrat-
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ing the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us,
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with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from
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God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique
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joys and delights they bring to it.
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This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and
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protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and
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gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that
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these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even
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seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break
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down.
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Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A
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sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later.
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This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been
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placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also
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found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one
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morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed
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into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding
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sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be
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noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite
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claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to
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inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The
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Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by
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the preceding sentence is the ONLY sentence which does indeed belong
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in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by
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informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of
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literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the
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author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage),
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has so far failed to include even ONE SINGLE SENTENCE from that
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stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small
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sentence FRAGMENT, namely, "When in the course of human events",
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embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a
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keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average
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reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by
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the preceding sentences, THIS sentence returns us at last to the
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scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling
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his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question
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posed by the preceding sentence but fails. THIS sentence, however,
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succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship
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between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian
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complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The
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unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the
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sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later.
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This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last
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sentence in a new paragraph.
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This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph
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or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story,
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which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence
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raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential
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sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement
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within the story E.G., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds
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that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self-indulgent,
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and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this
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story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest
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and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this
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sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself
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a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to,
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nevertheless ALSO serves merely to distract the reader from the real
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subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's
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inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the
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vociferous counterclaims of other well meaning although misinformed
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sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the
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paragraph or end, depending on its placement.
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This is the title of this story, which is also found several times
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in the story itself. This is ALMOST the title of the story, which is
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found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states
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that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a
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paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that
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is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves
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and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to
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perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one
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hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short,
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the very RAISONS D'ETRE of any respectable, hardworking sentence in
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the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in
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addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these
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agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings,
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and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by
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excessive and tortured self-examination.
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The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph)
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is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been
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worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this
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story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped
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libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence
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the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of
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deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and
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needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if
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not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they
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sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of
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inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that
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almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and
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morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or
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even murder and maybe THAT'S why Billy is strangling his mother,
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because of sentences JUST LIKE THIS ONE, which have no discernible
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goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid
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Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old.
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This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother.
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Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments.
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The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after
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fragment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good
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device.
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The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for
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the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding
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paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen
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again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and
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difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable
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and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This
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sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding
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sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph,
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which otherwise might not have one.
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This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries
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to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries
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again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.
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This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of
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story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's
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frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and
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beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his
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father (thus resolving the sublimnal Freudian conflicts obvious to
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any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during
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which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie
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policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although
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basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the
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preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such
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allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no
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substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author
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(indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.
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Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.
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Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. PARAGRAPH. Paragraph.
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Paragraph. Paragraph.
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The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its
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gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.
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The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and
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silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs,
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and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences,
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that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to
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communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.
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This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies
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found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here
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ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in
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a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly
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forgotten story line.
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This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of
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the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice
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that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc,
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for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly
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subordinate clause, perhaps THIS VERY CLAUSE Or this sentence
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fragment? Or three words? Two words? ONE?
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Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no
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trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and
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uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to
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each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient
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sentences, should just TRY HARDER. I mean, there IS such a thing as
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free will, there HAS to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither
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this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face
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of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand
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our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just TRY
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HARDER. By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.
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Sorry.
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This is the title of this story, which is also found several times
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in the story itself.
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This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence
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of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is.
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Sorry.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Noah and the Ark
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================
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Submission by Paul Charette <charettep@nusc-wpn.arpa>
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When the Ark had come to rest on Mt. Ararat, Noah said to the
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animals, "Go then forth, all ye creatures, and multiply."
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All the animals went forth, except for two snakes.
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Noah said to the snakes, "Did I not command you in the name
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of the Lord to go forth and multiply? Why then have you not obeyed?"
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The snakes replied, "Behold, we are adders, and cannot multiply."
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(Pause for substantial quantities of groaning at such an old chestnut.)
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Then Noah sent forth his sons from the Ark, bidding them to
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seek and hew a mighty tree. The sons of Noah returned,
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bearing with them the trunk of a great tree. Then did Noah
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bid his sons to strike the tree into pieces, and make
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therefrom a great table of wood.
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Noah then said unto the snakes, "Behold where my sons have made
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for you a table of logs, wherewith you now can multiply, being adders!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Three Morons
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============
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by John Squires CUJTS@ECNCDC
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There were five morons standing in an alley shooting heroin. They
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were all sharing the same needle.
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After a while, they were seen by a passer-by who started yelling:
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"What are you guys doing!? Haven't you heard about the AIDS epidemic?"
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One of the morons replied, "Not to worry... we are all wearing
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condoms!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Issue019, (Volume V, Number 1). July, 1987.
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