508 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
508 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Spring ***** ***** Spring
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'86 ***** *** '86
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Final *** ** *** *** Final
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Issue ! *** ** *** *** *** ******* Issue !
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue 012, Volume II. May, 1986.
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NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by
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Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman
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<BRENT@MAINE> <CALBC821@CUNYVM>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"You're never too old to rock 'n' roll,
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if you're too young to die..."
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- Ian Anderson
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NutWorks News
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=============
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1) As mentioned previously, this will be the last issue of NutWorks
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until next fall (although if you look during the summer, you might be
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able to find a special summer issue on the servers). The NutWorks staff
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would like to take this opportunity to wish our readers a happy and
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healthy summer. We hope to here from you all again next fall.
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2) The mailing list that has been used this year will self destruct
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shortly after you receive this issue. We will attempt a certain amount
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of selective choosing, to keep non-class accounts in our mailing list,
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so many of you need not contact us again in the fall. But if you are
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using a class account at present, and would like to be on the NutWorks
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list next semester please send us mail containing your name, userid,
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and nodeid next fall or when you get your new account.
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3) NOTICE: Please DO NOT send mail or note requests for information
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about NutWorks to any file server, including CSNEWS@MAINE, FORUM@TAMCBA,
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or TCSSERVE@TCSVM. NutWorks is made available on these file servers by
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the permission of their respective owners/operators. Back issues of
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NutWorks, and the current NutWorks information file, can be retrieved
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from the servers with the command:
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SENDME NUTWORKS <INFO> <ISSUExxx>
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Requests for addition of your name to the NutWorks subscription list
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should be sent (via MAIL) to BRENT@MAINE or CALBC821@CUNYVM and not
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to any file server.
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Thanks.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From the Bridge
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===============
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Captains Log:
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Stardate: 860519
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Commander Spock Reporting:
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Q: "Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling in his cabin ?"
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A: "Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before..."
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Q: "What is the similarity between the Enterprise and toilet paper ?"
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A: "They both revolve around Uranus (your anus) and wipe out Klingons
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(cling ons)."
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Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
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A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
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ship out of disgrace."
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Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
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light bulb?
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A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
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Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
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pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that
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they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in
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the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at
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the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
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from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security
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officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
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natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back
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in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out
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of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is
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suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free
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and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the
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Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk
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et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its
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five year mission.
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lmf
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Is that Leonard guy a nutcake or what, huh? Well friends, as they
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say in Chernobyl, "Another school season, another 8000 megaRems peeling
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at my skin until my bones stick out." Or, perhaps they don't say that.
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I don't know. Current events is Lenny's department.
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There seems to be a recent furor lately (by certain folk who are
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inclined to ponder such things) as to what the letters IBM stand for.
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All joking aside, IBM refers to the method by which IBM software doc-
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umentation is written. You see, there is a common example used in
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statistics classes regarding the idea that if several chimpanzees were
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made to sit for an infinite time pounding haphazardly at the keyboard
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of a typewriter, they would eventually produce all the great works of
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Shakespeare; given an infinite time, they'd have to. At IBM, all
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documentation is produced by a group of chimpanzees pounding haphaz-
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ardly at typewriters, only they don't have an infinite time in which
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to produce the stuff, so sometimes the end result comes out in less-
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than-intelligible form. They have, however, trained the monkeys to
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type "This page intentionally left blank" in record time. Oh, yeah,
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so anyhow, IBM stands for "I Been hip'Motized." But I guess that's
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another story.
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By the way, we *all* know that "This page intentionally left
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blank" is recursively incorrect, (i.e. actually WRITING "This page
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intentionally left blank" on an otherwise blank page results in the page
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being no longer blank, etc.). I suppose, technically, it should read:
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"This page intentionally left ALMOST blank, if you don't count this
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sentence."
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But what I'm wondering is why on Earth they bother to inform
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the reader that the near-blankness of the page is NOT an error on IBM's
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part, but is, in fact, a wholly decided upon event. The fact that they
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DO tell us that they meant for the page to be blank--thereby violating
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the purity of the page's blankness--implies, to me at least, they they
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have a REASON for leaving the page blank. But then, if the page was
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left blank for a reason--I mean if the page were destined to have some
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ultimate value as a result of it's blankness--I suppose they wouldn't
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be inclined to spoil the virgin blankness of the page by printing "This
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page intentionally left blank" right smack in the middle, thereby rend-
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ering the page useless, if, in fact, its usefulness is measured by it's
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being blank, (which it isn't), due to the words which state that it is,
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and, in fact, was meant to be. This is called a paradox (quack quack).
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Clearly, the statement "This page intentionally left blank", can
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never be literally correct if it appears on "this page" at all. (It can
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be compared to the act of saying the words: "I'm not talking.") Perhaps
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IBM should write "This page intentionally left blank" on ANOTHER page
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and draw an arrow to the REAL blank page. Or perhaps they could index
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all the intentionally blank pages in the front of the manual.
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Oh well, I'm going to the beach. Have a fun summer.
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And so it goes...
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bcjb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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What is the new Russian national anthem ???
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"You Light Up My Life."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS
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==========================
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as presented by Paul Holmgren
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with additions and corrections by Holly Stowe
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For years it was believed that light wes emitted from an electric
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bulb; recent information has proven otherwise - dark is sucked into the
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bulb - therefore, the bulb is a dark sucker.
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There are many types and sizes of dark suckers. The largest
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manufacturers of dark suckers are General Electric and Sylvania. Some
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modern dark suckers utilize solid power to operate properly. Solid
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power units can be purchased from Eveready, Exide, and Duracell.
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The dark sucker theory proves the existance of dark suckers as well
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as proving that dark is heaver than light. Some examples are as
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follows:
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Electric bulbs: There is less dark near the electric bulb than at a
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distance of 100 feet when it is operating; therefore, it is sucking dark
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and can be classified as a dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the
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greater the distance it can suck dark. The larger the dark sucker the
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greater its capacity of dark. The dark sucking capabilities are evident
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when the dark sucker has reached its capacity and will no longer suck
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dark. At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion
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of the dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of
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dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by
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placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will
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prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby
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extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded
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side.
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Candles - primitive dark suckers: There is more dark 30 feet from a lit
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candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet. Proof of it's dark
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sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle,
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notice that the center core is not dark. Ignite the center core. Allow
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the center core to burn for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark
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around the candle. Extinguish the candle flame. Notice that the center
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core of the candle is now dark. The center core is a dark sucker
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protected by a soft insulator to extend it's life expectancy and
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maintain rigidity to verify that this primitive dark sucker is operating
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properly. Ignite the center core and allow it to burn for a minimum of
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2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the flame, left to right,
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approximately 3 inches above the center core. Notice that there is no
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dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the center core now about 1/2
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inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil blocked
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the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker. This
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type dark sucker is very primitive and does not suck dark any great
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distance nor does it have a large capacity.
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Dark sucker solid power units may be purchased locally at a variety
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of outlets. Size does not determine the life expectancy of the dark
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sucker solid power unit. These solid power units work with many modern
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dark suckers, and absorb dark from the dark sucker. The absorbed dark
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is converted to solid power within the unit.
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An example of the conversion of dark into solid power in the
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automobile of today. Notice an auto in use during dark hours. Two
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(possibly four) large dark suckers are located on the front. On the
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rear there are two (or 3) smaller dark suckers with red filters. You
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may also notice several dark suckers with yellow filters. These filters
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are required to remove a percentage of red and yellow from total dark so
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as to energize the solid power unit. The solid power unit permits the
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auto to be utilized during hours of no dark by the dark it has absorbed.
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The number of dark suckers varies with the age of the automobile. Newer
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automobile solid power units require a greater percentage of red
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filtered dark. Older units generally require more non-filtered dark.
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The solid power unit of the automobile has a dark interior. This can be
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proved by cutting the solid power unit in half.
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Dark is heavier than light. Dark always settles to the bottom of a lake
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and/or river. Submerge just below the surface of a lake and you will
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notice an absence of dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface
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and you will notice a degree of darkness even on a sunny, bright day.
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Lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and you are in
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total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark
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is heavier than light. Modern technology has allowed us to utilize the
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dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers through the creation
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of turbines which push the dark downriver to the ocean, which has a
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larger holding capacity for dark and is a common safe storage location.
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As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of solid power
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is removed and transmitted to various short term storage plants for many
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usages. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to move the dark
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from rivers to storage areas such as deep lakes or the ocean. The
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Indians would paddle their canoes very little and not very deeply if
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they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as not to slow it
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down. However, if they were traveling opposite the natural flow of
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dark, they would dig their paddles very deep and rapidly to assist the
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flow of dark to its ocean storage place.
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Dark is faster than light. If you would open a drawer very slowly, you
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will notice that the light goes into the drawer. (You can see this
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happen.) You cannot see the dark leave the drawer. Continue to open
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the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you
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will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than
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light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker.
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Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any
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dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door
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until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot
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occupy the same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change
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in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark
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is faster than light.
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One last proof.
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What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by-
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product of dark suckers? Heat, again.
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Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation, sucking
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dark from the surrounding area.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
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"None. They *are* light bulbs."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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What I Like About The Telephone
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===============================
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By Dave Barry
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What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in
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touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you
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magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night. These
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people have been abducted by large publishing companies and
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placed in barbed-wire enclosures surrounded by armed men with
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attack dogs.
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Caller: Hello, Mr. Barry?
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Me: No this is Adolf Hitler.
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Caller: Of course. My mistake. The reason I'm calling you at 11:30
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at night, Mr. Hitler, is that I'm conducting a marketing
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survey, and...
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Me: Are you selling magazine subscriptions?
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Caller: Magazine subscriptions? Me? Selling them? Ha Ha. No.
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Certainly not. Not at all. No, this is just a plain old
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marketing survey. (Sound of dogs barking.)
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Me: Well, what do you want to know?
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Caller: Well, I just want to ask you some questions about you household,
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such as how many people live there, and what their ages are and
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whether any of them might be interested in subscribing to
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Redbook?
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Me: I don't want to subscribe to anything, you lying piece of slime.
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Caller: How about Time? Sports Illustrated? American Beet Farmer?
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Me: I'm going to hang up.
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Caller: No! (The dogs get louder) Please! You can have my daughter!
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Me: (Click.)
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The first telephone systems were primitive "party lines" where
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everybody could hear what everybody else was talking about.
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This was very confusing:
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Bertha: Emma? I'm calling to tell you I seen you boy Norbert shootin'
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his musket at our goat again, and if you don't...
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Clem: This ain't Emma. This is Clem Johnson, and I got to reach
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Doc Henderson, because my wife Nell is all rigid and foaming
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at the mouth, and if she don't snap out of it soon the roast
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is going to burn.
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Emma: Norbert don't even own a musket. All he got is a bow and
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arrow, and he couldn't hit a steam locomotive from six feet,
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what with his bad hand, which he got when your boy Percy bit
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it, and which is festerin' pretty bad.
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Doc Henderson: You better let me take a look at it.
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Bertha: The goat? Oh, he ain't hurt that bad, Doc. He's skittery
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on account of the musket fire.
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Clem: Now she's startin' to roll her eyes around. Looks like two
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hard-boiled eggs.
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Caller: Hi I'm conducting a marketing survey is Mr. Hitler at home?
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Clem: No, but I'll take a year's worth of American Beet Farmer.
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The party line system led to a lot of unnecessary confusion
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and death, so the phone company devised a system whereby you
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can talk to only one person at a time, although not necessarily
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the person you want. In fact, if you call any large company,
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you will Never get to talk to the person you're calling.
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Large companies employ people who are paid, on a commission
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basis, solely to put calls on hold. These people are trained
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by the airline reservations clerks. The only exception is
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department stores, where all calls are immediately routed
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to whichever clerk has the most people waiting.
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But we should never complain about our telephone system.
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It is the most sophisticated system in the world, yet it is
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the easiest to use. Fore example, my 20-month-old son,
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who cannot perform a simple act like eating a banana
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without getting most of it in his hair, is perfectly
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capable of direct-dialing Okinawa, and probably has.
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In another year, he'll be able to order magazine subscriptions.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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What was the initial reaction of Gorbachev to the accident at Chernobyl?
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"I said Bud Light."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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SHELL OIL COMPANY
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P.O. Box 150
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Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102
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Dear Sir:
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I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
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years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
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Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
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Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.
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Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill
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for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell
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Station in McAdenville, North Carolina. I stopped at this station for
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gasoline and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost
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$5.15; eight new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points cost $2.50. All
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well and good. Earlier in the day I had had a flat tire, which the
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attendant at the Lowell I. Reels station informed me that he was unable
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to fix. He suggested that I purchase a tire from him in order that I
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have a spare for the remainder of my journey to Atlanta. I told him
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that I preferred to buy tires from my home station in Atlanta, but he
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continued to stress the risk of driving without a spare. My reluctance
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to trade with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did not discourage
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him and finally, as I was leaving, he said that, out of concern for my
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safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a substantial
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expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal. He
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produced the tire ("Hits a good one. Still has the tits on it. See
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them tits. Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelve
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dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty-five
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cents. Fifty miles further down the highway I had a blowout.
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Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a polite
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ladyfinger - firecracker rubberbubble rupture (pop), but a howitzer
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blowout, which reared the hood of the car up into my face, a blowout,
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sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large enough to make
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soles for BOTH sandals of a medium sized hippie. In a twinkling, then,
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I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles per hour on three tires
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and one rim with rubber clinging to it in desperate shreds and patches,
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an instrument, that bent, revolving, steel-then-rubber-then-steel rim,
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whose sound can be approximated by the simultaneous placing of a handful
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of gravel and a young chick into a Waring Blender. The word "careen"
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does no justice whatever to the movement that the car performed.
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According to the highway patrolman's report, the driver in the adjoining
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lane, the left lane -- who, incidentally, was attempting to pass at the
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time --, ejaculated adrenaline all over the ceiling of his car. My own
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passengers were fused into a featureless quiver in the key of 'G' in the
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back seat of my car. The rim was bent; the tits were gone; and you can
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fuck yourself with a cream cheese dildo if you entertain for one moment
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the delusion that I intend to pay the twelve dollars.
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Sincerely yours,
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Timothy B. Tieslau
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Contributed by David Salzman <DAVID@UCHISTEM>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Boss
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========
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For those who have trouble with authority:
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Once upon a time . . .
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The different body parts started an argument over who should be the
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boss of the body.
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The heart said, "I pump all of the blood, so I should be the boss."
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The legs said, "We move the body everywhere, so we should be the boss."
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The lungs said, "We supply the oxygen, so we should be the boss."
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The eyes joined in, "We see everything; we should be the boss."
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The brain chimed, "I control all of those functions, I should be
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the boss."
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And finally the rectum said, "I should be the boss!"
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All of the other body parts broke out in hysterical laughter and said,
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"Why would we ever choose you as the boss?"
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The rectum did not respond and just closed up.
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About three days later, The heart was having trouble pumping, the legs
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were very wobbly, the lungs could hardly move, the eyes were blurry and
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the brain was cloudy.
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Hence, they all decided to let the rectum be the boss. The moral of
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the story:
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You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.
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James L. Levesque
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Gossip
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======
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By Michael Morey
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You know, here in the trailer court, we have this couple living
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next door, and when Ted doesn't have anything to do, he argues
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with his wife. Ted and his wife don't get along too good at all.
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The other day, Ted took his wife to the doctor. After the doctor
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examined her, he came out and said, "Ted, I just don't like the
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way your wife looks at all." Ted said, "Well doc, to tell you the
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truth, I ain't exactly crazy about the way she looks either, but
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she sure is good with the kids." Yeah, Ted's wife, she ain't
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too good looking. I don't want to say she's ugly, but every
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time they get a little low on spending money, Ted rents her out
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to cure the hiccups. Ted says she has kind of an early-american
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look about her; he says she looks just like a buffalo.
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Ted's wife talks a lot too, he figures she speaks up to 140 words
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a minute, with gusts up to 180. Only time she stops is when her
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mother starts. Old Ted, yeah, he always gets in the last word, even
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if its "Yes, dear." Yup, Ted's wife, she has a double chin on her...
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The way she talks, too much work for just one.
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Ted walked up to me the other day, said "Boy, my wooden leg pained
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me somethin' awful last night." I said, "Oh, come on, Ted, you know
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your wooden leg can't pain you." He said "when my wife picks it up
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and hits me over the head with it, it sure does."
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Poor old Ted, he stays in trouble at home. Last week he came up to
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me with a big black eye. I asked him "What in the world happened to
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you? I thought your wife was visiting her mother." He said "that's
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the problem...so did I!"
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I remember the time he had a fight with his mother-in-law....she said
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"If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee." Ted said, "by golly,
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I'll tell you what, if you were my wife, I'd drink the dang stuff!"
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One night last summer, he was sitting on their porch with a bottle of
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whiskey. After she hollered at him a while, she took the bottle and took
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a big swallow and said "This stuff tastes awful! I don't see how you can
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drink this stuff!" Ted said "and all this time you thought I was sitting
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out here having a good time."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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And now for something completely normal:
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This issue's Shaggy Dog...
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A man one day went on a journey in the heart of Africa. In africa the
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mythical Foo bird lives. It has long been rumored that if a Foo bird
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were to crap on you, that it was bad luck to wipe it off. The man and
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his party were walking through the jungle one day when all of a sudden
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the man felt something land on his head. He had been crapped on by a
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bird. The man was about to wipe it away, when a native guard ran over
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and warned him that it was the Foo bird who had crapped on him. Knowing
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of the ancient superstition the man tried to calm the guide and took
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his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped off his head. Less then a
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minute later he dropped dead.
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*** The Moral of The Story ***
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If the Foo shits, wear it...
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LMF
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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