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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***** *****
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***** ***
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*** ** *** ***
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue 011, Volume II. April, 1986.
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NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by
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Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman
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<BRENT@MAINE> <CALBC821@CUNYVM>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Some say: "Knowledge without common sense is folly."
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We say: "Knowledge without folly is BORING."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NutWorks News
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=============
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1) SPECIAL TO SUBSCRIBERS: There have been a small number of
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requests that NutWorks be sent via DISK DUMP or SENDFILE, instead of
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as a MAIL file. Unfortunately, because of the size of the subscription
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list, and the size of the magazine itself, we must continue to use MAIL.
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This alleviates much network traffic by only sending one file to each
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node, instead of one file per person. (If you didn't know this, ask
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your systems personnel about how the Columbia VM Mailer works.)
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2) The final regular issue of NutWorks will be published sometime
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at the beginning of May; the next regular issue after that will be pub-
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lished sometime at the beginning of September. We're not exactly taking
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the summer off, and you may even find a special NutWorks summer issue
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on your local file server. Because of the tendency for many of our
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subscribers' logon accounts to vanish at the end of the semester, the
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current subscription list will NOT be used after the May issue. Anyone
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wishing to subscribe to NutWorks magazine next fall, will be required
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to renew said subscription in September. Nyeah...
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*** NutWorks News Extra ***
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============================
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(Netcon Info)
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Well as you all know, Netcon is creeping upon us. As a matter of fact,
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it will be here in less than 2 months. Naturally, the subject of money
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arises....
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We have set a dealine of April 23rd. That is, we must receieve your
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payments by April 23rd. The total cost for NETCON is 115.00. You need to
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make your check/money order out to JAMES T. HARMENING, who is the
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treasurer of the NETCON organization. Even if you are only attending the
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party, we must still receive a check/money order. Please please, do not
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send cash, because cash has a knack of being lost in the mail. On your
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check/money order, please write your name@node, so that we can check you
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off as having paid. If you are only staying one or 2 nites, please
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inciate as such. As for an address, we can only distribute James'
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address to those of you who are definitely attending. In order to get
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James address, please contact MARCE at BITNIC or James at U40210 at
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UICVM. If you need to call James, his phone number is (312) 422 6103.
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Please please please act promptly.
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If you would like to purchase a NETCON t-shirt, please contact JEDI at
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USMVAX>
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Now as for rooming arrangements....
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Rooming arrangements are always a fun thing to watch. But thats another
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story. If you already know who you want to room with, please indicate
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this in a note to Jim or Marce. Do yourself a favor and let the person
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you want to room with know that you want to room with them...Remeber
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there are 4 people to a room, unless you have paid otherwise. If you
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want to room with people of the same sex but do not know anyone, just
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indicate you want a girls only or mens only room. That can be easily
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arranged. And if you don't know anyone, don't worry. The rooms that were
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put together in the 'potluck' fashion usually turn out to be the most
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interesting/fun packed ones.(Take this from experience, having gone to 3
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Netcons thus far.). If you have no prefernce, don't fret. Please do not
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forget to tell someone though, preferably Jim and Marce...
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It can not be stressed enough times.....
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Deadline for PAYMENTS IS APRIL 23!!!!!
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sincerely, the netcon committe
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Lynn (L64A1584 at JHUVM)
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Billy (GUTTENP at BMACADM)
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Marce (MARCE at BITNIC)
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JIM (U40210 AT UICVM)
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Jeff (JEDI at USMVAX)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From the Bridge
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===============
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Captains Log:
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Stardate: 860414
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Commander Spock Reporting:
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Well having now worked in the computer field a bit more and also having
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lived a bit longer I have made a few conclusions about life.
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1) Murphy was right on the mark.
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Murphy states that:
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a) If anything can possibly go wrong it will,
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at the worst possible moment.
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b) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
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c) Nothing is fool proof,
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because fools are so damn ingenious.
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(He says alot more, but that is all I can rememeber...)
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2) Murphy was an optimist.
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3) It's true, Life's a bitch and then you die.
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4) If there are n possible bugs in a program the one that will cause
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the most damage is the one that will go wrong.
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5) If you correct the n possible bugs in your program the n+1 bug is
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bound to appear.
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6) I now understand why computer programers hate keypunch operators.
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7) There is a cause and affect relationship between operators forgetting
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to do backups and system crashes.
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8) People somehow know when you are at 300 baud. Why else is it then
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and only then that they choose to bombard you with messages.
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9) People know when you are at 300 baud and trying to edit something.
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(see above)
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And now a few stories, with some morals about life:
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If You Are Unhappy
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==================
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Once upon a time...
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There was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the
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winter.
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However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to
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fly south.
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In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in
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a barnyard, almost frozen.
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A cow happened by and crapped on the sparrow.
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The sparrow thought that it was the end,
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But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
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Warm and happy, able to breath, the sparrow began to sing.
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Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the
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sounds.
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The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly
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ate him.
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*** The Moral of The Story ***
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1) Everyone who shits on you is not neccessarily your enemy.
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2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit, is not neccessarily your
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friend.
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3) And, if your warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep you mouth shut.
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Leonard M. Friedman
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Ok folks, so I misspelled a word... you don't have to bite my head
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off! Just for good measure, though, the "silliest pair of assholes"
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entry in last months column should have read "Gramm/Rudman" and not
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"Grant/Rudman", (which is rather humorous in itself if you consider all
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the "grants" that are disappearing due to the efforts of Mr. "Gramm").
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A friend of mine was sitting in class recently, doing his best to
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wholly ignore the lecture, and he came up with the following thoughts
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on life in general. I hope you like them:
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I was Just Thinking...
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===================
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By Arthur Hannaford
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College professors, on the whole, are the worst dressed group of
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people in the world.
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No one, no matter how strangely they may be built, could ever be
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comfortable in any seat designed for classroom use.
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Hippis should join us in the 80's... then I changed my mind, leave
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them in the 60's.
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Those people who sit in a lecture hall and nod their heads in agree-
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ment as if they were talking individually with the instructor have no
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idea how stupid they look.
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Polyester is never sexy or attractive.
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Young males who can't grow a mustache shouldn't try.
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Restaurants with paper placemats are not places I'd want to take
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someone I was trying to impress.
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Hack-sack is a weird game that no one seems to be able to play well.
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No one is more creative than a student who is making up an excuse
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for missing an exam.
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Blue is a nice color, orange is not.
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There should be a class in personal hygiene for college freshmen.
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The statement "Heavy Metal Music sucks" is inaccurate; Heavy Metal
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is not music.
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Left-handed people look funny when they write.
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Matching shoes and belts, especially in white, was a great idea...
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it makes geeks easier to spot.
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I don't like Freshmen. They have bad attitudes. I, of course, was
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never a Freshman.
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Synchronized swimming is a silly sport.
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I don't like station wagons. They tend to imply that the owner is
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a mother of six.
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It would be funny if someone parked a Corvair in Ralph Nader's gar-
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age.
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Bathroom poetry wouldn't be funny if you weren't sitting on the
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toilet with your pants down while reading it.
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People who refer to the terminal on which they are working as "my
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computer" shouldn't be told the difference.
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ah & bcjb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How To Make A Board
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===================
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by Dave Barry
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Most of what I know about carpentry, which is almost nothing, I
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learned in shop. I took shop during the Eisenhower administration, when
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boys took shop and girls took home economics--a code name for "cooking".
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Schools are not allowed to separate boys and girls like that any more.
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They're also not allowed to put students' heads in vises and tighten
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them, which is what our shop teacher, Mr. Schmidt, did to Ronnie Miller
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in the fifth grade when Ronnie used a chisel when he should have used a
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screwdriver. (Mr. Schmidt had strong feelings about how to use tools
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properly.) I guess he shouldn't have put Ronnie's head in the vise, but
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it (Ronnie's head) was no great prize to begin with, and you can bet
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Ronnie never confused chisels and screwdrivers in later life. Assuming
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he made it to later life.
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Under Mr. Schmidt's guidance, we hammered out hundreds of the ugliest
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and most useless objects the human mind can conceive of. Our first major
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project was a little bookshelf that you could also use as a stool. The
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idea was that someday you'd be looking for a book, when all of a sudden
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you'd urgently need a stool, so you'd just dump the books on the floor
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and there you'd be. At least I assume that was the thinking behind the
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bookshelf-stool. Mr. Schmidt designed it, and we students sure know
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better than to ask any questions.
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I regret today that I didn't take more shop in high school, because
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while I have never once used anything I know about the cosine and the
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tangent, I have used my shop skills to make many useful objects for my
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home. For example, I recently made a board.
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I use my board in many ways. I stand on it when I have to get socks
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out of the dryer and water has been sitting in our basement around the
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dryer for a few days, and has developed a pretty healthy layer of scum on
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top (plus heaven-only-knows-what new and predatory forms of life under-
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neath).
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I also use my board to squash spiders. (All spiders are deadly kill-
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ers. Don't believe any of the stuff you read in "National Geographic".)
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If you'd like to make a board, you'll need:
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Materials: A board, paint.
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Tools: A chisel, a handgun.
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Get your board at a lumberyard, but be prepared. Lumberyards reek of
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lunacy. They use a system of measurement that dates back to Colonial
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times, when people had brains the size of M&Ms. When they tell you a
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board is a "two-by-four", they mean it is NOT two inches by four inches.
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Likewise, a "one-by-six" is NOT one inch by six inches. So if you know
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what size board you want, tell the lumberperson you want some other size.
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If you don't know what size you want, tell him it's for squashing spi-
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ders. He'll know what you need.
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You should paint your board so people will know it's a home carpentry
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project, as opposed to a mere board. I suggest you use a darkish color,
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something along the lines of spider guts. Use your chisel to open the
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paint can. Have your gun ready in case Mr. Schmidt is lurking around.
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Once you've finished your board, you can move on to a more advanced
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project, such as a harpsichord. But if you're really going to get into
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home carpentry, you should have a home workshop. You will find that your
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workshop is very useful as a place to store lawn sprinklers and objects
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you intend to fix sometime before you die. My wife and I have worked out
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out a simple eight-step procedure for deciding which objects to store in
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my home workshop:
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1. My wife tells me an object is broken. For instance, she may say,
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"The lamp on my bedside table doesn't work."
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2. I wait several months, in case my wife is mistaken.
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3. My wife notifies me she is not mistaken. "Remember the lamp on my
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bedside table?" she says. "Yes?" I say. "Still broken," she says.
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4. I conduct a preliminary investigation. In the case of the lamp, I
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flick the switch and note that the lamp doesn't go on. "You're right,"
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I tell my wife. "That lamp doesn't work."
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5. I wait 6 to 19 months, hoping that God will fix the lamp, or the
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Russians will attack us and the entire world will be a glowing heap of
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radioactive slag and nobody will care about the lamp anymore.
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6. My wife then alerts me that the lamp still doesn't work. "The lamp
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still doesn't work," she says, sometimes late at night.
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7. I try to repair the lamp on the spot. Usually, I look for a likely
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trouble spot and whack it with a blunt instrument. This often works on
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lamps. It rarely works on microwave ovens.
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8. If the on-the-spot repair doesn't work, I say: "I'll have to take
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this lamp down to the home workshop." This is my way of telling my wife
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that she should get another lamp if she has any short-term plans, say,
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to do any reading in bed.
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If you follow this procedure, after a few years you will have a great
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many broken objects in your home workshop. In the interim, however, it
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will look barren. This is why you need tools. To give your shop an
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attractive, nonbarren appearance, you should get several thousand dollars
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worth of tools and hang them from pegboards in a graceful display.
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Basically, there are four different kinds of tools:
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Tools You Can Hit Yourself With (hammers, axes).
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Tools You Can Cut Yourself With (saws, knives, hoes, axes).
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Tools You Can Stab Yourself With (screwdrivers, chisels).
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Tools That, If Dropped Just Right, Can Penetrate Your Foot (awls).
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I have a radial arm saw, which is like any other saw except that it
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has a blade that spins at several billion revolutions per second and
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therefore can sever your average arm in a trice. When I operate my rad-
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ial arm saw, I use a safety procedure that was developed by X-ray machine
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technicians: I leave the room.
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I turn off all the power in the house, leave a piece of wood near the
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saw, scurry to a safe distance, and turn the power back on. That is how
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I made my board.
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Once you get the hang of using your tools, you'll make all kinds of
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projects. Here are some other ones I've made:
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A length of rope.
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Wood with nails in it.
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Sawdust.
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If you'd like plans for any of these projects, just drop some money
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in an envelope and send it to me and I'll keep it.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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And now, another silly excuse from Joe_User for why he has been
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working on the same programming assignment for twelve weeks running:
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Student: (to consultant) "I don't know what I'm doing. I never listen
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to the teacher during class. I just take notes."
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Mark Woodruff & bcjb.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Used Car
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============
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By Richard Lawson (STERMAN @ CITROMEO)
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( This is reputed to be a true story )
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It seems there was a man looking for a used car. Perusing the want ads,
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he came across this item:
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Two-year-old Corvette.
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Good condition. Low mileage. $75
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Unable to believe the price, and believing the price to be a typo, he
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called the number in the ad. A woman answered and assured him that the
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price was correct as printed -- $75. The man got her address and rushed
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to her home.
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Arriving at the address, the prospective buyer knocked at the door,
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which was answered by a middle-aged woman. She took him into the garage
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and showed him the merchandise. As advertised, it was a two-year-old
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Corvette, in good condition and with low mileage. The man again asked
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the price and was again quoted $75. Incredulous, but no fool, he wrote
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a check. When the registration had been signed over to him, the new
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owner of the Corvette said to the seller: "Lady, why did you sell me
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that car for such a low price? You could easily have gotten thousands
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of dollars for it!" He received this explanation:
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"This is my husband's car. Last month he left me and ran off with his
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secretary. Last week he wrote me a letter asking me to sell his
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Corvette and send him the money."
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Thus the deal was completed to the satisfaction of both parties.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
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Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
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pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
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definitions are of the form ".of 4;A:...... consists of sequences of
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non-blank characters separated by blanks".
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lmf
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mathematics Glossary
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====================
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Rainer Koch (UNI011 @ DBNRHRZ1)
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Any student who ever sat or slept trough a mathematics
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course knows that certain words and phrases occur very
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frequently. This glossary might eliminate some confusion.
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When the instructor says He really means
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------------------------ ---------------
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trivial The student might be able to
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do it in three hours or so.
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simple An "A" student can do it in
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a week or so.
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easy This topic would make a good
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master's thesis.
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clear The instructor can do it
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(he thinks).
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obvious The instructor is sure it is
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in his notes somewhere.
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certainly The instructor saw one of his
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instructors do it, but has
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completely forgotten how it
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was done.
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left as an exercise The instructor lost his notes.
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for the student
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is well known The instructor heard that
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someone once did it.
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can be shown The instructor thinks it
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might be true, but has no
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idea how to prove it.
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the diligent student It is an unsolved problem -
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can show probably harder than
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Fermat's Last Theorem.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Shaggy Dogs
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===========
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Last month, (NutWorks Issue010), we printed a few "shaggy dog"
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stories. To our utter joy, several people have sent in more shaggy dogs
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for us to print. We received so many in fact, that we couldn't possibly
|
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shove them all into one issue. It is a known fact in the world of medi-
|
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cine that exposure to too many shaggy dog stories in one sitting can
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cause excess groaning, (which can lead to sore throats), and can overwork
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the "jovial-major" muscles. So, what we'll do is this: You keep on
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sending us your favorite shaggy dog stories, and we will print ONLY ONE
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PER MONTH, so they don't get tiresome, and to save you from the medical
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expense of alleviating the above mentioned malignancies.
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Here is this month's Shaggy Dog...
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bcjb.
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There once was a hunter that travelled to deep Africa. He hired a
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local guide to show him the way through Africa to a legendary lake where,
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supposedly, there were dolphins that lived forever. After the first day,
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the hunter found a myna bird which perched itself on his shoulder for the
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rest of the trip. On the 5th day, the guide pointed out a dead lion in
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the path and indicated that the hunter should pass around the dead lion.
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The hunter didn't heed the guide's warnings and stepped right over the
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lion, whereupon he was arrested by the National Police. The reason:
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"Transporting a myna across staid lions for immortal porpoises."
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(Contributed by Henry Nussbacher)
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