349 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
349 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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*** ***
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*** ***
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*** NutWorks ***
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*** ---------- ***
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*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those ***
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*** Who Teeter on the Precipice of Insanity ***
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*** ***
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*** January, 1985. Issue #1, Volume I. NutWorks is distributed ***
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*** monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual Editor and ***
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*** Publisher. ***
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*** ***
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== A B r i e f E d i t o r i a l ==
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As was mentioned in a previous correspondance, "NutWorks" is a
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collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things.
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An attempt is made to find original works, but some things may appear
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that are either older than Moses's toes, or have flashed across every
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terminal from here to Barsoom. Repetition is very very good; maybe
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you'll like them better this time around.
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Some of the articles located herein are unsigned in that I have
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little or no idea who wrote them. If you wrote something that gets
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printed here, one would think you'd be happier about it than if you
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were relaxing comfortably at poolside under the shade of Dolly Pardon's
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rib cage. But if you really don't like the fact that I used your
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work, everyone will think you're a mindless jerk and never speak to
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you again.
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Although it is not intended that the contents of "NutWorks" deal
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strictly with computer related themes, it is inevitable that most of
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the featured articles will, indeed, be computer related, for blatantly
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obvious reasons. The rest, of course, will deal with sex.
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BB
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==============
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Sing this one to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"
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You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
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Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
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The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
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Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
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Better think fast, better do what you can,
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Read the manual or call your system man,
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Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
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So BOOT IT,
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Get the system manager to
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BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
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Even though you'd rather shoot it.
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Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
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All that you do is flip a little switch.
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BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
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Get right down and restitute it.
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Don't get excited, all is not lost.
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CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
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Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
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You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
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The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
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Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
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BOOT IT.
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You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
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And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
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But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
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So BOOT IT,
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Call the local guru to
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BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
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Go ahead re-institute it.
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If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
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But if you are, it'll do it itself.
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BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
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Then go find the guy who screwed it!
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Operating systems are built to bounce back,
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Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
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BOOT IT! BOOT IT!
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==============
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** ****** ******** ******** ****** ***** ****
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** ****** ******** ******** ****** ****** ** ** **
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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** ***** ** ** ***** ****** *****
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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****** ****** ** ** ****** ** ** *** ** **
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****** ****** ** ** ****** ** ** ****
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______________________________________________________________________
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Interdepartmental Memo
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From: Letters Department
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To: Editorial Staff
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Re: 'LETTERS' Column in Issue #1.
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To the Editors:
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I regret to inform you that there won't be much of a letters column
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in the first issue. See, us fellas down here in the letters department,
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well, we're all kind of new at this whole business, and we're sorta
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having a little trouble with the actual formatting of the column.
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Jeff was designing a really nice layout for the column before he
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was exiled to Saskatchewan for that kiddy-porno thing. And then I
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put a nice piece together, but it got eaten by the VAX. Philippe
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thought it would be nice to use some pastel stripes, with rainbows,
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flowers and birds, so we spit on him and teased him about his
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eye-makeup.
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Clyde had an idea to make up our own letters, funny ones, and throw
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the real letters out, which is what he did, so now we don't have any.
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So you can plainly see that we had no choice but to 'borrow' some
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letters from, as they say,'another magazine' in order to make the
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deadline. Here they are:
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Dear Sirs:
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I'd like to share with your readers an experience that
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I was recently fortunate to be part of. I'm a well-figured
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gal (36-22-34), with hazel eyes and blonde hair that hangs
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down to my rear. First of all, let me say that I'd never do
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anything to destroy my wonderful marriage of three years
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to my husband whom I'll call Zachary.
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But the honest, devoted little wife in me was quickly
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replaced by a hungry, crazed tigress when I encountered
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Hank (not his real name).
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I first met Hank at a vegetable & fruit store where I
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used to shop. He worked in the cucumber section. From the
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minute I first laid my eyes on him I knew that I'd want him to
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***********************************************************************
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*********** OUTPUT TERMINATED BY OPERATOR ************
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***********************************************************************
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==============
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Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #74932:
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"Is there a Roman numeral for zero?"
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==============
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A Few Really Neat Things to do to New CMS Users that
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Will Cause Them to Have a Lousy Day:
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-- Tell them you've written a program that sends no-header messages
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(which really doesn't) and then instruct them to use it to tell
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the operator to eat shit.
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-- When they're away from their terminal talking to a consultant,
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spool their virtual printer ROUTE WEIZMANN.
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-- Throw up on them. (This one's a given).
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-- Say to them "You know, if you don't Flingle that Megablum
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of yours, you'll soon be without a virtual Quontis," and then
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leave the room.
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-- Tell them to be sure to put "IPL" commands in their Profile.
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-- When they're away from their terminal waiting for a Pascal
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printout, send a mail file to their Professor saying that
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his lousy class sucks the big wongo and (if you have time)
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that he himself isn't fit to lick the dust off of a
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Timex Sinclair.
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-- Tell them to be sure to set several PF Keys to "CP LOGOFF" (in
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case of emergencies, don'tcha know).
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-- Tell them that the Senior Job Controller just loves to joke
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around about his intestinal problems, and supply them with a
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good one-liner to send to him.
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-- When they are away from their terminal trying to figure out why
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their Pascal printout ended up somewhere on the other side
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of the Atlantic Ocean, type the following:
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"NUCXLOAD CL3270 (ENDCMD"
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(This causes a clear-screen command to be issued upon every
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Carriage Return. heh-heh)
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==============
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And Now, Another Not-So Famous Historical Quote,
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For Your Reading Pleasure:
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"Don't fire 'till you see the backs of their heads!"
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...orders given by Union General Sherman Tanque at the Battle
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of Cowards Creek, just before the most alarmingly humiliating
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defeat ever experienced by any army anywhere.
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==============
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Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table.
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This chart will help to convert almost anything from the old
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system of measurement to the new. To convert back, simply stand on
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your head when using this chart.
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1 inch = 2.4 centimeters
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1 snail eater = 7.3 snail liters
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1 pack + 1 liter = 1 liter of the pack
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5 parking meters = 8.2 parking centimeters
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10 cents = 1 dime
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50,000 decibels = 1 Twisted Sister concert
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Cost of 1 ear operation = Mega-bucks (see last entry)
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1 Tidal Wave = 47.92 Microwaves
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64 kilobytes = Next to nothing
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==============
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Here you have it folks, the original...
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Documentation Sex Quiz
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1. What are the fallopian tubes?
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a. Bicycle tires
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b. A subway in Italy
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c. All of the above
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2. What is a urethra?
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a. A female black singer
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b. The opposite of myrethra
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c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth
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3. What is an ovary?
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a. A book written by Flaubert
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b. A passing grade at school
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c. A famous WWII song
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4. What is fellatio?
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a. A person who collects stamps
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b. Mr. Hornblower's first name
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c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy
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5. What is a testicle?
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a. A test to see if you're ticklish
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b. One of the two parts of the Bible
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c. An octopus' arm
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6. What is cunnilingus?
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a. A form of pasta
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b. The language of love
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c. An Irish airline
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7. What is a gonad?
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a. A cheer for NAD high school
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b. A person who wanders from place to place
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c. A Moody Blues song
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8. What is a vulva?
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a. A Swedish car
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b. The punching bag in your throat
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c. An engine part
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9. What is a seminal vesicle?
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a. An indian boat
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b. A priest's retreat
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c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries
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12. What is a penis?
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a. A salty snack you have with beer
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b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
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c. Liberace
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Boner Question: What is an Anus?
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a. Part of a famous black comedy team
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b. A planet--home of Superman
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c. A herbaceous plant
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Answers to these and many more thoroughly disgusting
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questions may, or may not appear in a future issue.
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==============
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Coming Next Month In
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NutWorks:
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------------------------
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** Will Florida sink into the Atlantic Ocean During Spring Break?
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Expert Geologist reveals all!
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** Words That Have No Definition: What Do They Mean?
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** How to Get an 'A' in Advanced Operations Analysis Without Losing
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Your Virginity!
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** The Pains and Strains of Systems Management: Former Sys. Man. tells
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it like it is!
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** Moment of Terror: 'I was taken aboard a flying saucer from Mars,
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impregnated, forced to perform unspeakable things with Bigfoot,
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found my husband had been attacked by a killer lobster, gave birth
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to snake-like, siamese twins with three eyes each, and won the lottery
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all in one day!' Exclusive interview!!!
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=**=
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Next issue promices to be longer and utterly fascinating, sent
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in mid-February. Send comments and contributions to BRENT@MAINE
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NutWorks Magazine Issu#1, Vol. 1. January 1985
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