textfiles/magazines/MONEYINC/money036.txt

MONEY INCORPORATED DIGEST #36
RELEASED 29 MARCH 1995
TODAY'S TOPIC: YOUR SISTER SWALLOWS, OR GETTING IN AND OUT OF TROUBLE!
CONCEPT AND KEYING BY: SLEEPY

MONEY INCORPORATED ARE: SLEEPY
                        SONIC FURY
                        CCRIDER
                        THE BIG CHEESE
                        METHOD MAN
                        ORGASMIC ANOMALY
                        SEXECUTIONER
This little file has been dug from the depths of my personal legal library
to assist you in getting out of trouble.  Next in the series of files will
tell you about getting away with crimes using the statute of limitations!

                      You've been arrested!

     Life sure sucks now, don't it? Nope. This is where you get to
have more fun while learning a lot about the reason that your
government is NOT your friend.

     First off, remember: no hero stuff here. They are probably
wearing bullet proof vests, arrive in bunches of 20, and carrying
heavy artillery. Even if it's only one redneck, they all still
suffer from having a severe trigger finger. There is no reason to
get roughed up, bruised, or shot.

                          The Attitude

     You need to have the attitude. Use your head, control your
emotions, and keep your mouth shut at all times. Remember that they
will give rewards to stoolies, so don't even discuss anything
outside of chit-chat like local politics, news, or weather.

     Okay, second. You are not a young punk pain in the ass. You're
not a hero; you're not anything. You are a farm boy from Kentucky
and you're downright DUMB. You're kind and work with everybody as
much as possible, but stubborn. You apologize and call everyone sir
and generally kiss ass whenever possible. Why? Because you look
stupid and easy to take advantage of. Remember keeping your mouth
shut? This is the easiest way to do just that.

     Don't ever ask them for anything. Don't grovel. You are in
control of yourself; they are only in control of the situation.
Your complaints will go on report and give them satisfaction.
Remember "Miranda"? Well, those rights apply at ALL times. There is
no requirement to read them to you in a whole bunch of special
exceptions, so just assume that they've been read to you anyways.
They WILL appear compassionate and sympathetic, but they are really
robotized. They are totally impervious to all reason, logic and
common sense.

     Once you got the basic rules down, the rest of the procedure
is just one big game, except that the stakes are kind of high.
Don't sweat it if you can, but chances are that you're going to be
sweating a lot just because the first time you ever play in a
quarter million dollar poker game, the numbers get to you. Quarter
million? If you're going to be in the dungeon for say 10 years, you
could probably make about $25,000 a year easily. And that's after
the government takes out their share of something close to half. So
you're actually going to be playing for a quarter million dollars
even if it's only five years. Not only that, but once you've been
to jail once, all of your subsequent employers will be harder to
get and possibly pay less. But this is not a game you would
normally show up for. Usually, someone else volunteers you in.
Still not convinced? Well, let's take some numbers (old numbers but
proportions are right). From the official 1977 IRS figures, 8,391
persons qualified for priority treatment (were investigated). 3,408
were recommended for prosecution. Of those lucky winners, only
1,636 were indicted by grand juries. 247 of those were convicted
after trial and less than half ever served time in jail. At that
time, there were also approximately 90 million income tax filers
(out of a total population of 210 million). And we're not talking
about one of the roughest, nastiest teams in the American Legal
League, in most cases.

                      The Rules of the Game

     Okay, the point of the game is to get over the goal line. It's
just like football (and if you try to tempt them, they really will
sack the quarterback just because they are sadistic people). 
Here's what they score points for. Getting you to admit anything.
Getting you to incriminate yourself. Intimidating you. Getting you
to skip procedural details. There's only one problem with these
simple details: they are all professional players and you're just
an amateur team. That's why the game is rigged in your favor
intentionally. But unless you're a professional gambler, you
wouldn't even know it.

     Here's what you score points for. Getting them to admit
anything.
Getting them to perjure themselves. Getting them to foul (not
follow the rules). Giving them as much frustration and anxiety as
possible.  Making them lose in front of their friends (they all
have bad sportsmanship problems). Making them lose in front of the
press.

     I can't possibly go over all the rules. There are entire
libraries full of rules. And you thought pro-football was bad! But,
there are certain basics of the game. If you understand those,
you're way ahead.

                    Getting a Basic Rule Book

     If you want to actually buy a rule book, I know of one good
one that costs about $20. It is mostly for civil (law suits)
procedure, but he covers the differences between civil and criminal
pretty well and how to adapt.

Brown's Lawsuit Cookbook
The Brown Carburetor Co., Inc.
P.O. Box 89
Draper, Utah 84020

     Don't get the "sequel" that he advertises. It's just a book of
forms and not much use except for the two page excerpt at the end
that talks about RICO, if you don't know anything at all about
RICO. Mike Brown's specialty is getting people out of prison, so he
might be useful later on, too. The place he has vast expertise in
is Terre Haute in Indiana, which is not a pretty place to spend an
all expenses paid government vacation at. For one thing, the other
tourists and the tour guides are absolutely lousy.

                         Levels of Play

     There are a bunch of levels of play. You will probably be like
most people and perhaps never even get to the higher levels, like
the appeals process. But unless you do something really stupid and
get shot, you are pretty much guaranteed to make it through the
first few levels. Remember the ways to score points. The more
points you score, the better your chances of winning. There are
some bonus points built in, too, like getting a judge get kicked
off the field for a personal foul (easier than you think, but most
lawyers are scared silly to even try to do anything like that).

1. Arrest.
2. Initial Questioning.
3. Booking.
Bonus Rounds: more questioning and pre-trial services.
4. More Questioning.
5. Arraignment.
Bonus Round: Evidentiary Hearing.
Bonus Round: Administrative Hearing (automatic in a traffic case;
     otherwise rare).
Bonus Round: Grand Jury Indictment.
6. Trial.
7. Sentencing.
8. Appeals (pre-trial services, trials, and sentencing).

     Hopefully, you can make it to at least some bonus rounds.
Getting an evidentiary hearing is relatively easy, for instance.
And at that round, there are some points that you can pick up, but
you can also get some point multipliers that will make scoring in
the actual trial worth more points. There are also no absolutes.
This is just a thumbnail sketch. Some levels can be skipped or
added in. Some levels can be skipped because of mistakes you make.
It is possible, for instance, to petition for a writ of prohibition
(an order from a more powerful judge telling his underling to stop
doing something to you) and go through a pseudo-appeals stage. Some
levels can happen completely by mail instead of in person (this is
very common at the appeals level). But, this basic list of levels
is usually good enough.  As you get better, you should have no
problems finding some of the bonus levels, like the writs (a writ
is an order from a judge which carries a lot of weight) levels.

                           Questioning

Okay, for now, let's go over the basic format to answering
questions.

Officer: Generic Question.
You: "Sir, can you please tell me if my answer to that question is
mandatory or voluntary?"

1. Officer: "Voluntary."
You: "Then I choose not to volunteer."

2. Officer: "Mandatory."
You: "Sir, what will you do to me if I don't answer?"

2a. Officer: "We'll kick the shit out of you."
You: "My answer is XXX under threat of bodily harm, coercion, etc."
or perhaps "I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may
incriminate myself." or perhaps "Show me the law, statute, case, or
whatever it is that makes it mandatory and then I'll answer." This
is a matter of personal taste; if you can take the punishment, go
for it. It depends on the situation.

2b. Officer: "You won't get out of here until you answer."

     They know it. You know it. So what? You'll eventually go to
trial and the judge will either have to force your answers to be a
condition of your release (this is appealable usually) or order you
to do so (which is a violation of the 5th amendment and which gives
you the power to recuse the judge so fast he won't know what
happened since he's now a party to the case by getting evidence on
the record). It really depends on whether or not you want to give
in to them.

     Remember, the whole point here is to attempt to act
cooperative while refusing to say anything if you can help it. This
is true at every stage of the game. There are lots of different
times where they will try to question you. Even other prisoners may
be sent in to try to get you to talk if you're important to them
and you're being a tough nut to crack. So keep acting stupid. Ask
for meaningful assistance of counsel to help you understand the
question. Volunteer for nothing.  After all, don't all the lawyers
tell you that only THEY can understand legal procedure?

     Okay, there is a special case for judges. Remember, judges
have to be impartial. With a judge, when he asks you for
information, such as what your name is, you say:

"Sir, are you attempting to enter evidence on the record because
you are a party to the case?"

This question REALLY pisses them off. If they say no, then don't
volunteer information. If they say yes, then they can't judge the
case anymore. Another appropriate question is, "Your honor, are YOU
the accusing party? Then who is the accusing party? I want to face
my accusers as required by the constitution."

     Here's an example of what happened once: "No, Sir. I just need
to know who you are so I can proceed with this case. And since when
I asked for the accused party, you answered, then if you are not
the accused party then you are interfering with this court and I
will find you in contempt." The right response to this sort of
nastiness is just to say something like, "Sir, It is the job of the
accusing party to identify the accused party; however, if you wish,
you can call me Peter Pan for purposes of identification until the
accusing party clears this matter up." A better way is not to get
into this situation. When you are called, stand and ask if the
accusing party is present. And the judge better not respond!
Otherwise, you just stand there and when the bailiff orders you to
walk forward or whatever, you just say, "I'm sorry if I'm in the
wrong place, Sir.  Your bailiff here ordered me to come forward."
This is part of jurisdiction. Jurisdiction is necessary for a court
to have control over a case. There are lots of ways they can get
it; when you plead guilty or not guilty, or when they get all 7
elements. Number 1 is positive identification of the accused party.
Accused must be properly identified; identified in such a fashion
there is no room for mistaken identity. The individual must be
singled out from all others; otherwise, anyone could be subject to
arrest and trial without benefit of "wrong party" defense. Almost
always the means of identification is a person's proper name, BUT,
any means of identification is equally valid if said means
differentiates the accused without doubt. (There is no
constitutionally valid requirement you must identify yourself) For
stop and identify (4th Amendment) see Brown v. Texas, 443 US 47 and
Kolender v Lawson, 461 US 352.

                             Arrest

     Remember all the things you read about Mirandizing you first?
Forget it. As long as they can get you to admit anything, they can
use it against you, regardless of whether or not you've been
mirandized.

     They will probably put the cuffs on too tight. And they will
handcuff you. Don't complain. Don't ask your kidnappers for
anything. You're the one in control here, not a wimp. Act like it.
Be respectful, though. Don't act better than them or they'll take
it out on you (all cops have deep fears of being inferior to
anybody). Your complaints will go in their report. Don't give them
any satisfaction!

     Do not answer any questions at all. Demand to get meaningful
assistance of counsel and counsel of choice, since it is your right
to have these at EVERY important stage, including the arrest
itself.

     Just try to be as cooperative as possible physically (there is
no reason to get the shit kicked out of you here) because it's not
going to be worth your effort to resist. Besides, that will give
them a reason to kick the shit out of you that they can use in
court.

     As far as the actual mirandizing, when they ask if you
understand, just say the truth. Say "No. I need counsel to help me
understand, Sir."

     You may get lucky. They might give you waist chains or leg
irons. If this happens, wear them with pride! Hardly anybody gets
that kind of treatment anymore and it means you're really special.
Show them off to the other prisoners, to any police you meet, the
public, everybody!

                             Booking

     They will ask for your name? Are you waiving rights if you
answer?  Yep! Aside from that, you could be waiving jurisdiction.
Remember how to answer these questions.."Sir, is the answer to that
question voluntary or mandatory?"

     What about mug shots and fingerprints. They will give those
back if you're not guilty, right? Yes, they'll give you the
originals, but you can be sure they've made copies. In Davis v.
Mississippi, they stated that fingerprints and other personal
identification essentially work like property. They need a search
warrant to get them.

                           Arraignment

     Before you are arraigned, they will probably keep you in a
holding cell until you're talkative. They will send a pre-trial
services representative to try to get you to tell them your life history.
This is the same routine as booking. Don't answer anything.
At arraignment, the magistrate or judge will read the complaint,
information, or indictment against you and ask if you understand
it.  He is supposed to inform you of your right to assistance of
counsel, that you are not required to make any statements, and that
any statement may be used against you. The whole point of this
procedure is only to tell you what you have been charged with and
to make sure you don't understand it. So answer truthfully and say
"No" if you still don't have counsel. He may also ask you how you
plead. In this case, you may wish to say that "The accused stands
mute." If you make a plea of any sort, you could be giving them
jurisdiction. You could also say that "Since the defendant cannot
understand the charges, the defendant stands mute." The judge will
say "I will enter a not guilty plea for you." Say loud and clear,
"I object! Let the record show that the accused stands mute."

     Then the judge will start asking you personal questions. Shut
up. Keep the voluntary/mandatory routine up.

     Now, the prosecutor or judge or cop is going to absolutely
have a conniption and throw a tantrum because you won't answer
their questions. Let them carry on. In Federal courts, 18 USC 1342
sets release with the least amount of restrictions unless there is
some legitimate reason on which the court can justify the
imposition of restrictions greater than what would reasonably
assure your appearance.  In state courts, the situation is similar.
Okay, now after the government demands something more than your own
recognizance or an unsecured cash bond, then say loud and clear
something like, "Please put on record the fact that the government
has demanded that I be placed under the unreasonable bond
restrictions of XYZ merely because I choose to exercise my right to
remain silent."

     Some of the bond restrictions they may want (which are listed
in 18 USC 1342..find out the equivalent for the state) are distance
of travel, curfew, psychiatric testing, or even weekly reporting.
These are all considered unreasonable except with extra
circumstances (like you jumped bond before).

Object and state "Please put on record that the no reason was given
for the bond restriction of XYZ and the accused objects."

     The judge will most likely make submission of your prints and
pictures a condition of your release. If you don't give in, you'll
sit in jail.  Some of the booking questions will be about your
physical description.  The rest will be personal or about your
family; these are out of line.

     This much should get you at least through the first 3-4 days
of the standard arrest procedure and have heaps of procedural
errors lined up for "arguing technicalities" or appeals.

Well, I hope this little file helped a little bit.  If, god forbid, you
do get in trouble, follow these rules and you should have a better life
for it.  L8a!

MONEY INCORPORATED ARE: SLEEPY
                        SONIC FURY
                        CCRIDER
                        THE BIG CHEESE
                        METHOD MAN
                        ORGASMIC ANOMALY
                        SEXECUTIONER

Coming soon:  Part two in this series : Statute of limitations, your friend.
              Part two in the better deal series:  Act Stupid, get rich!