282 lines
12 KiB
Groff
282 lines
12 KiB
Groff
Newsgroups: rec.humor
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Subject: NEW Schidt #7 **Approx 300 Lines**
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Message-ID: <sanderso-260293171525@ch-lab-mac-j.gac.edu>
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From: sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu (Scott T. Anderson)
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Date: 26 Feb 93 16:22:20 -0600
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Organization: The Schidt and other dementia
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Lines: 273
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T h e S C H I D T
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Issue #7 March 1993
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The Schidt is published every so often by Scott T. Anderson. It is not
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authorized nor endorsed by Gustavus Adolphus College. The Schidt is
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published for entertainment purposes only. The first course of action for
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anyone who is offended by it is to lighten up. While we strongly believe
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in the freedom of all people to do what they want to do, we also support
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people™s right to say what they want to say.
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SCHIDT CORRESPONDENCE:
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Scott Anderson
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Gustavus Adolphus College
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St Peter MN 56082-1498 USA
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E-MAIL:
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sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu
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_____________________________________________
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"Jeff, I am standing three feet away from your wet, naked body, and I am
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holding my penis." --Lance Hampton
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_____________________________________________
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SCOTT'S PORK RINDS
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(formerly Condom Boy's Corner)
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By Scott T. Anderson
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Like, wow. It's, like, so cool the way the Schidt is, like, EVERYWHERE!
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Though I occasionally wonder why so many people like it, I'm quite happy
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with the response.
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Many people wonder why I am (was) called Condom Boy. That's a very
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interesting question.
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This issue of the Schidt has been rather delayed in being published.
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Anyone who is angry about this should GET A LIFE! I have one! That's why
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there was a delay! Oh, sorry Nathan.
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_____________________________________________
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A BEDTIME STORY
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By Scott T. Anderson
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I was going to delete this article, but it is being kept in because of its
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gratuitous violence. For more gratuitous violence, see David Crowe's
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untitled (sort of) story. Okay, here we go:
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Once upon a time there lived a brave prince. He was in love with a
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beautiful princess. They lived in a big castle. One day the princess got
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locked in the tower of the castle. She was yelling out the window of the
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tower for help, but she leaned out too far, and fell out into the moat
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below. The crocodiles in the moat chomped her into little bits. The
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prince was very sad. A fairy came to him and said that if he killed a
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dragon in the forest, the princess would come back to life. As the prince
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was riding from the castle on his white stallion to find the dragon, he
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fell off of the stallion into the moat, where he was chomped to little bits
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by the crocodiles.
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THE END.
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_____________________________________________
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IT'S LOUD! IT'S PROUD! IT'S DISALLOWED (at least it should be)!
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It's Leather Congregation's debut release:
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CAUSTIC SEMEN!!!!!
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Thirty minutes of ear-splitting musical manna. Get your copy today from
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Scott Anderson for only $2!!!!! Featuring the KGAC #1* hit "Scrotalwurst!"
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Select copies include the bonus "LC N Full F-Ekt, BOY-EE! (Smooth Rhymin'
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Remix)" track! Don't delay, be a masochist today: Buy Leather
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Congregation's Caustic Semen from Scott Anderson NOW! NOTE: This is a
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serious offer.
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(*all ratings approximate** [**yes that's a Spinal Tap rip-off])
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_____________________________________________
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And now, as a public service, the Schidt presents...
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THE MEANING OF LIFE
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By Scott T. Anderson
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Throughout the centuries, mankind has searched for some glimmer of meaning
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in his/her dreary existence. Now, to enlighten the world, I present my
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speculations on the matter....
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* To discover the dharma of Erik Estrada.
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* "Gilligan's Island" reruns.
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* Study and meditation in the ways of Mark Linn Baker (Larry Appleton of
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"Perfect Strangers").
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* Duct tape.
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* Realization of one's fated role in society, such as Martin Luther King
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Jr. (civil rights leader), Charles Manson (homicidal maniac), or Dan Quayle
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(complete and utter fool).
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* Three words: Oatmeal creme pies.
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* To suffer through five years of parental domination, thirteen years of
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drudgery in public school, four years of pressure and insomnia in college,
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thirty to forty more years of drudgery in a dead-end job, and twenty years
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of dependency on the state before you finally kick the bucket. (Upliftin',
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ain't it?)
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* Chitlins 'n gravy, three meals a day.
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* To enjoy the beautiful songs of Michael Bolton.
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* Dahmer had it figured out.
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_____________________________________________
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A BUSINESS PROPOSITION
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Submitted, but NOT written, by Scott T. Anderson
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This letter was in my mailbox the other day. It cannot possibly be a
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serious offer. The name has been removed just in case this person actually
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exists....
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February 12, 1993
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I do not know if you will be interested in this, but I thought I would
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mention it to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of
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money with a small investment.
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A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near
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Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small with about 1
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million cats. Each cat averages about 12 kittens a year; skin can be sold
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for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black.
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This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price
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of around 32 cents, making our gross revenue about 3 million dollars a
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year. This nearly averages out to about $10,000.00 per day--exclusive of
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Sunday and Holidays.
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A good Mexican can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 per day.
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It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch. So the net profit will be
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over $8,200.00 per day.
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Now the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times
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as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
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we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The
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rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
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each rat a quarter of the cat. You can see by this that the business is a
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real clean operation. It is self-supporting and nearly automatic
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throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and
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we get the skins.
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Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, we are rather
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particular who we want to get into this, and we want the fewest investors
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possible.
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Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes, and they will
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skin themselves twice a year. This would save the major cost of skinning
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as well as is two skins for one cat.
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Sincerely,
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(name deleted)
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Executive Director
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_____________________________________________
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AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE!
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Get your very own
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BASTARD WEAR
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HIGH-FASHION t-shirt!
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Each Bastard Wear t-shirt features the ultra-cool Bastard Wear logo
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emblazoned on the front of a high-quality 100% cotton t-shirt. These
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t-shirts are worth their weight in gold, but you can get one for just
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***$10*** if you act now! GAC students can order theirs from Scott
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Anderson. Please specify size and color preference. Off-campus orderers
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(USA only), please send check, money order, cash, whatever in the amount of
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$12 (shirt + shipping) to:
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SCOTT ANDERSON
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GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS COLLEGE
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ST PETER MN 56082-1498
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_____________________________________________
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THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF JIM
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By Scott T. Anderson
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"Now you kids'd better give our Jimmy his pants back or we'll have to have
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a little talk with your parents."
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--Jim Sr. and the Mrs.
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Jim sat in awe as Bertha squeezed herself out the bedroom door and went
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off to find her destiny with a Hustler model. "How could she leave me
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for..." Jim began to think (a relatively foreign activity to him), but then
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he took a look at the photo in the magazine and realized that any woman
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would choose that over him.
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Crushed at the loss of the lard of his life, Jim wandered out to the
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garage and drove off into the night. Pretty soon he ran out of gas (having
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not eaten a sufficient number of tacos from the dumpster behind the mall
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that night), and stopped to fill up. As if his night wasn't bad enough
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already, he realized that the gas station attendant was the ringleader of
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the kids who had stolen his pants earlier in the evening.
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"Hey," Jim said in a most studious tone, "yer the goddamn kid who stole my
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pants. I'm gonna whip yer hide, yuh little punk!" But Jim was no match
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for the 110 pound fighting machine he was up against, and soon he found
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himself stranded in the countryside, with his pants no where to be found.
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_____________________________________________
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I CAN'T THINK OF A SUITABLE TITLE FOR THIS STORY
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By David Crowe
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Bernard stared across the table at her beautiful, shining face. The
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reflection of the candlelight flame flickered in her dark brown eyes. The
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night was perfect.
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"I love you, Susan," he said.
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"I love you too," she replied. "I've really had a good time this
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evening."
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"Now's the time," thought Bernard. After months of trying to find the
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right moment, he finally decided to ask her.
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"Susan, my darling, will you marry me?"
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Her face clouded. Bernard started to panic. He had been almost certain
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she would say yes, but now, it looked as if she was going to reject him.
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"Bernard, I really love you, but... you know, it's just not socially
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acceptable for a woman of my upbringing to marry an iguana."
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Bernard was shocked. "I know we have our differences, Susan. You like
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seafood, steak and caviar, and I eat insects. Your skin is smooth and soft
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while mine is green and scaly. You are warmblooded, while my internal
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temperature changes with the temperature of the surrounding environment.
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Your eyes...
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NOTICE: I will stop this story before it gets any more stupid than it
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already is. A quick summary of the rest of the tale will suffice.
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Bernard gets angry at the discrimination against iguanas. He plans a
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revolution to overthrow human dominance of the Earth. At a rally of
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iguanas that he has organized, Susan comes to him and says she has changed
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her mind and will marry him. Unfortunately, the crowd of iguanas at the
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rally are so intent on killing all humans that they overrun Susan, ripping
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her to shreds. In vain, Bernard tries to save his love, but, also
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unfortunately, he dies as well. The story ends with iguanas taking over
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the world, and leaving Earth devoid of human life.
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_____________________________________________
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TOP TEN USES FOR THE SCHIDT
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(OTHER THAN READING IT)
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By Scott T. Anderson
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(Note: Many of these humorous morsels rely on the existence of a printed
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[i.e. on paper] copy of the Schidt. If you have received the Schidt via
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e-mail, but would like to experience these alternate uses, just print
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yourself a copy!!!!!)
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10. Rid the world of those damn, annoying trees.
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9. High source of dietary fiber.
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8. Putting it on the coffee table so everyone will be impressed.
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7. Conversation topic on blind date.
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6. Cluttering people's e-mail and otherwise aggravating them.
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5. The chain letter of the '90s.
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4. Bird cage liner.
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3. Wastebasket filler.
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2. Kindling.
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1. Replacement for the corn cob in the outhouse.
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_____________________________________________
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WHAT IS SCHIDT?
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By Scott T. Anderson
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This is a question that I have been frequently asked recently (making it a
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FAQ, no doubt). I've decided to tackle it here. At least the first two
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are actually true.
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The Schidt is:
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*A publication full of meaningless garbage.
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*A European beverage (so I am told by one reader).
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*The author of a textbook on the subject of rodent mating rituals.
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*Hitler's favorite parlor game.
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*Here's that last one again for our non-Americanized readers:
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Hitler's favourite parlour game.
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*A physiological disorder characterized by a deficiency of intelligence.
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*A HUGE waste of time.
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*A bunch of crap thrown together, often in violation of copyright and other
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laws, to satisfy a need for entropy in the universe.
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*Never mind. Just be quiet and eat your dinner before it gets cold.
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*A forum for the discussion of such pivotal issues as the smell of burning
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cat hair and whether its fumes are really carcinogenic.
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*Don't ask me, I just work here.
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*A place where all ideas, even those of very closed-minded individuals, are
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openly accepted.
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*Better than Cats. I'm going to read it again and again.
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*1 part Mr. Clean to 10 parts water.
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*Um, what was the question again? (This is also my favorite thing to say
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in Russian class, besides "Ya izuchayu russky yazyk." [I am studying
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Russian.])
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*The most utterly bitchin' thing ever.
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_____________________________________________
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Thank you for reading the Schidt. Feel free to pass it on....
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Stay tuned for SCHIDT #8 - APRIL 1993!!!!
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