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906 lines
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IN A FREE LAND #2
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01/25/94
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An Experiment in Free Speech Gone Horribly Right
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Distribution:
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This E-zine and all information within is copyright (c) 1994
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Rageboy Publications, unless otherwise stated. Feel free to
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quote portions, but please give credit where credit is due.
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We ask that you do not alter this file in any way, mainly
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because we like it the way we wrote it.
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This E-zine can be found as IAFL.00x (x being the issue number).
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If this file arrives at your domain by any other name, someone
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fucked with that file bigtime.
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*** IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER! ***
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The editors of and contributors to IN A FREE LAND will NOT be held
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responsible for any misuse of the information within any issue of this
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E-zine. All articles are intended for an INFORMATIONAL or HUMOROUS
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purpose solely.
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Staff of I.A.F.L.:
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Matt Shaw - chief editor/contributor
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Netrunner - asst. editor/contributor
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Jeff Hell - contributor
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Q-Man - contributor
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Sonic Bellboy - contributor
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Means of Contact:
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Matt Shaw <jim_gould@billteds.com>
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Sending constructive mail (critiques, praise, differences of opinion) to
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this address will get you in contact with Matt Shaw. Any letters to the
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editor are also accepted (state such in the subject). NO FLAMES; any
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flames will be ignored.
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Table of Contents
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-----------------
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2.01 .......... Welcome to Our Show/Editorial/Oops! (MS)
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2.02 .......... The Mystery of Barney Rubble (MS)
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2.03 .......... doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg (SB)
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2.04 .......... "Race Traitor" (MS)
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2.05 .......... racism is pointless. (SB)
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2.06 .......... True Stories of High School Hell #1 (MS)
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2.07 .......... Ethics Quiz (JH)
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2.08 .......... White Punks On Punk (Reviews) (edited by MS)
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2.09 .......... Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed (SB)
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2.10 .......... Dating In The 90's (MS)
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2.11 .......... Mini-Slam List (everyone)
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2.12 .......... damn junies (SB)
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2.13 .......... Why? (MS)
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2.14 .......... An Apology (MS)
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2.15 .......... The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun (SB)
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2.16 .......... Well, G'Night, Everybody! (MS)
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--------------------------------------------
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2.01 Welcome To Our Show/Editorial/Oops!
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--------------------------------------------
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Welcome back, my friends, to the 'zine that never ends. I'm your
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editor for this (and probably EVERY) issue, Matt Shaw, and I'd
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like to take this opportunity to fill you in on a new
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development:
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We've a new contributor! IAFL recently welcomed the Sonic Bellboy to
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our staff. The Sonic One's contributions to our representation of
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hardcore/punk/non-conformism (i.e., people who just say "fuck you")
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begin this issue.
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Anyway.. before I get to the part where I express my opinion on a
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chosen topic.. there was a version of IAFL #1 released in which
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the articles were listed as being "3.01" and such.. that has been
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corrected.
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The New Year.. 1994. So far, no different than any other year.
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I lived through New Year's Eve, no problem. I didn't go out. Why
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the fuck should I go out, when the only parties I knew of were
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thrown by a couple of fucking Esprit/Gap asylum escapees? Okay,
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so one was cute. But there was no alcohol there. No chance to
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get her inhibitions lowered, and -- never mind. Accidentally
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showed my carnal side, which is unusual, these days.
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There's one thing that I hope, I pray, and will die to change this
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year: All these flannel-shirted motherfuckers who only started
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wearing flannel when Nirvana hit the Top 40.. STOP MAKING TRUE
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COUNTERCULTURE LOOK BAD. (I hope that none of those people I
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address are reading this publication. Sorry for screaming, for
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those who aren't.) True punk or hardcore isn't a defined way of
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dressing; it's whatever you want. Whatever's comfortable. Who
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gives a shit what the girls who work at the Slurpee stand or The
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Gap in the mall think of how you dress? If you've got the
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attitude that is the aura of the truly dedicated punk, you won't.
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If you're just trying to cash in on a look that's been popularized
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and had all meaning stripped from it by some fashion consultant
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out in fucking Paris or wherever, you're not worth the eighty
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dollars you shelled out for that flannel shirt. It's like
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pre-ripped jeans in the '80s: you have that much money to pay
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someone else to rip your jeans, what the fuck are you doing being
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"fashionable"? Why the fuck weren't people like that at
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cotillions, or whatever the hell those things are? If you have
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$80 to spend on a brand-name flannel shirt from some cool store in
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the local jock/princess haven (aka "mall"), why even pretend
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you're counterculture? Go to a Young Republicans meeting; sweat
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Polo; do something expected of those of your financial level.
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The Sonic Bellboy had an anecdote that inspired this rant, and I
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think he summed it up better than I did with this multi-page
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thing. Check it out:
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i saw a guy, snowboarding, with a flannel-from-stitches and
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oversized-jeans-bellbottoms with a georgetown hoyas hat at the ski place
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i was at. i asked him if he thought he was counterculture. he said yes.
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i asked him why. he said because he listens to alternative (he named
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nirvana, pearl jam and some other poser band) and that he dresses
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"different", i pointed out his jock hat. "it looks cool." there's the
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word that has stunted this generation. "cool." is that a "cool" thing to
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be? well, this guy was a perfect stereotype, and he was the first of (i
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counted) _39_ similarily dressed kemper-blorgers wearing flannel and
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likely freezing in those thin cheap jeans. well, i was warm in my black
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ugly nylon pants. i was warm in my hydro linesman jacket. i was
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protected with my 5oo glasses and my free giveaway touque. i was happy
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with my mennonite craft sale 50 cent mittens. i was warm.
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i was functional. and i was not "cool."
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In closing, I'd like to say to everyone else what I said to SB:
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Acting "cool" is difficult. Being _cool_ is easy, if you're not a
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fake, like the people I spent most of this editorial being pissed
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off at, and like that one guy and his 39 clones that SB saw.
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"Alternative" = "cool". Hardcore/punk/underground = _cool_. 'Nuff
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said.
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Enjoy the mag.
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- Matt
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2.02 The Mystery Of Barney Rubble
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While rotting my brain watching cartoons one day, I noticed
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something about the "Fruity Pebbles"/"Cocoa Pebbles" commercials.
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Fred Flintstone's life's goal in these things appears to be keeping
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Barney Rubble away from those Pebbles.
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My question: Why the fuck can't Barney go to the store and buy some
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goddamn pebbles himself?
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The Pebbles aren't manufactured by Fred (would someone as non-artistic
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as Fred be able to design those cool boxes?), so they conceivably must
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be sold at a store.
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Barney _has_ a job (evidenced by his riding to work with Fred in the
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original cartoon), so he's not too much of a lazy-ass. Obviously
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not.. the fool designs all these new cool ways to try and convince
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Fred to give him the Pebbles. Probably spends more money on these
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fucking ideas than it would cost for a lousy fucking box of cereal.
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My point is that it's pretty goddamn stupid for Barney Rubble not to
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make it easier on all involved, and just go shell out a couple of
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fucking dollars for some Pebbles. Do I make sense on this one?
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----------------------------------------------------
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2.03 doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg
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----------------------------------------------------
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have you seen the good old docs these days? they are TRASH... a
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pair used to last a good 3 years without falling apart, but
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these - give it two months of average wear, and they fall apart.
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and look at the gaudy colors - Cheri Red, Paul Westerberg Green,
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Blueberry Blue, Puke Yellow, FlannelFuck Plaid, Uma Thurman Pink,
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the list goes on...and on...and on...
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What happened to Black 3 holes? did the mafia buy up all of the
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black shoes? now there are sandals! and high heels! and ones with
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patterns! and custom band-logo ones...
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I say all of us revolt, burn (if you have them) your docs. let's
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all buy-(shuffle in the hat) BIRKENSTOCKS! (I AM just KIDDING!)
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WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WEAR! no more uniformity. the nice thing about
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punk culture is that there is no "punk look" i.e. we don't all make
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our hair look permawet like the Jockfucks, we don't wear Flannel
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and Wool Socks.
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Here's a scary thing- the JOCK'S idea of a punk:
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Leather jacket with chains
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Safety pin through the cheek
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Doc Marten shoes
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Lots of pierced locations
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Colored mohawk hair
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etc.
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know anyone like that?
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Or my little sister's idea:
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(remember GEM?)
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Female lead singer who screams like a banshee
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Red or multi-colored hair, cut randomly.
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leather jacket with a big fluorescent skirt
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big belt
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a lot of makeup
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a "keyboard guitar"
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Sound familiar?
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The Sonic Bellboy
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-----------------------
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2.04 "Race Traitor"
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-----------------------
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I discovered, long ago, that talking to racist "skinheads" (notice
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the quotes; these fools just rip off true skinhead lifestyles) is an
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exercise in fruitlessness. That knowledge was forever cemented in my
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mind when the following discussion took place between myself and a
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racist "skin":
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Racist : Do you support the white race?
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Me : What does that entail, exactly?
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Racist : You must hate all non-whites, like blacks, Orientals, Jews..
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Me : Wait just a fucking second.. Jews?! MOST Jews are WHITE!
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Racist : No, they're olive-skinned.
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Me : Look, whatever. I refuse to hate an entire race, just for
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the fact that they're different from me. Besides,
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generalization is stupid.
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Racist : You don't hate non-whites?
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Me : Fuck, no. Look, what the fuck are you, deaf?
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Racist : Then you're a race traitor.
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So. I am now a race traitor, according to someone who shaved his head
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in an attempt to be "cool." Because his fellow "Aryan soldiers" did
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it. Non-conformism at its peak of NON-EXISTENCE. Free thought is not
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a concept for the majority of these people.
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Matt Shaw, the race traitor.
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I argue that I am NOT a race traitor. I don't support racist
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philosophies, so I guess I don't support the neo-Nazi concept of the
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"white race." They're the race traitors, just like Hitler before
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them; they have betrayed the race that they have forfeited their right
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to be a part of.
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The human race.
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-----------------------------
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2.05 racism is pointless.
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-----------------------------
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helloooooo, people. look at yourself. are you politically correct?
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are you anti-racist? political correctness has stunted the most
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important movement of this century. we, the WAM, are a _minority_
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in a global perspective. WAPM (white american punk males) are a
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minority, so i guess most of you understand the basic minority
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feeling. but unfortunately, when anything is politically correct,
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people overreact. look at the enviromental movement. it's overdone.
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it should have been left to the small, dedicated groups (another
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minority, minorities are based on _beliefs_ not _color_) but look
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at the system now. _minorities_ and _women_ are being given job
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preference over an equally qualified male. that is trash. so is the
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new "tolerance" policy. i am not a racist. i do not try to be nice
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to a person just because they are black. or anything else. i am
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friends with people on one and one only basis: how much like me they
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are, _inside_. my best friend (although she lives a long ways away)
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is chinese. my background is mixed. most of my friends are diverse.
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i have indian friends of both varieties. i have swedish friends. i
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have german friends, and i have canadian friends. you see, when a
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chinese person has lived in canada/us all of his life, as well as
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many of his previous generations, he is still called chinese. and
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people give him a racial quality. chinese, therefore from china,
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therefore no speako english, therefore after my job and my girlfriend.
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sorry folks, _you_ are just as or less american/canadian then they
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are. you are both _immigrants_ you are both _residents_ and you are
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both _racially indifferent_, as in my eyes, we have Homosapien and
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we have homosapien.
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--------------------------------------------
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2.06 True Stories of High School Hell #1
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--------------------------------------------
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Ah.. memories of high school. From freshman year to senior year,
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I was caught up in both the miasma of passage through adolescence,
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and the process of education. And I know exactly how to sum those
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years up.
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IT WAS HELL! IT WAS LIVING, FUCKING, SEEMINGLY ETERNAL HELL!
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But now, I can look back, and laugh. Laugh because I'm not there
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anymore, and because I'm doing what I want to do while the rest of
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those pitiful fuckers are toiling away at Hardee's and
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bullshitting profs who just re-teach them all the grammar classes
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we took in high school. But I digress. Beginning with this
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issue, I'm going to regale our faithful readers with tales of my
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days of suffering. This is one I call "The Whistle of The Demon".
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---
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In my sophomore year, I was faced with the grim fact that I was
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short a couple of credits, and I got called into the
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principal/administrator's office. I wasn't in trouble, or
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anything, it turns out; he simply told me I hadn't taken one
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class that I should have.
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I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn't say what he inevitably would.
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As he uttered the words "Physical education," I cringed inwardly,
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and my mind was filled with the possible torments I could be put
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through by the more athletic students. These days, of course, I
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would just beat the holy shit out of anyone trying such a thing,
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but that's beside the point.
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The usual phys. ed. teacher had taken two years off to go live in
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Pennsylvania, and the school alternated replacements. Sometimes
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the math/algebra/etc. teacher would be in charge of the class, and
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let the kids play basketball (hey, it IS Indiana) or dodgeball, or
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something. The original teacher was kind of cool; he wasn't the
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kind of asshole gym teacher you usually find, like the ones that
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think they're the Terminator, and just come off like a bad
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impression of Schwarznegger. He was, and still is, a rather nice
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guy. I had hoped that we would get a replacement somewhat like
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him for our class.
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No such luck. We get a guy straight from the Purdue training
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camps. Physically resembled a bulldog, both in face, and in
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voice. Similar temperament, as well.
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The first class, there we are. Decked out in sweats and T-shirts,
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etc. He comes out of the supply room, and looks at us like a
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sergeant looking over his troops. I'm already thinking, "Oh,
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shit. What have we done?" The first words out of his mouth were,
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"I'm Mr. H.," (real name withheld, although I should have no
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mercy) "I am your instructor in physical education for the next
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few weeks." Sounded just like a drill instructor.. uh-oh.
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The next few weeks were sheer hell. We did incremental amounts of
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pushups every day. He forced us to play football, but play with a
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ferocity that would have astounded a Viking. When he was teaching
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us some basic basketball maneuvers, he told us to dive for the
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ball, saying he wanted to see our blood on the floor. He broke us
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down and tried to rebuild us. He singled out the weak and made an
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example of them. It was like the first part of "Full Metal
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Jacket", only we could go home and complain to each other every
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day.
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For my part, I was so broken down, I did everything he said. I
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kept myself in the shadows; he knew me by name only. When he told
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us to dive for the basketball and get some blood on the floor, I
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goddamn wanted to see my blood on the floor, I was that broken
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down. I began to be scared of how seriously intent I was on being
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a good soldier. We began to call him "Coach". To this day, I
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would rather call him "Dead And In Hell" than "Coach". As for
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that, I can only hope.
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Soon, though, hell's omnipresent flames receded from roasting our
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backs. In other words, the motherfucker left. His last day, he
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shook our hands and talked to us like we were his equal. Although
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then I didn't have half the sheer balls I have now, I had the guts
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to glare at him and remain silent when he said goodbye to me.
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The next week, the math teacher took over the class, and let me
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tell you.. he was a welcome sight compared to the fucking maniac
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we had called "Coach".
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---
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Okay.. that's all for this one. I have a million of these, I'll
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keep 'em coming.
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[Sonic wanted me to mention at the end of this article that he's
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still in hell. Please send your sympathies his way. - ed.]
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--------------------
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2.06 Ethics Quiz
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--------------------
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I'm sure you've seen those stupid ethics quizzes, like the ones
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that ask, "Susie steals a rubber band from the supply closet. Is
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this ethical, unethical, or a crime?" We at IAFL make fun of
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things that piss us off, so here goes:
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1. The Trix rabbit constantly attempts to deceive children in
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order to get some Trix. Is this:
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a) ethical;
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b) unethical; or
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c) a clever marketing gambit?
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2. Tom the cat always chases Jerry the mouse, for no apparent
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reason except pure meanness. Is this:
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a) ethical;
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b) unethical; or
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c) monotonous to all but toddlers?
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3. Lucky the leprechaun is beset by pre-adolescents always trying
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to steal his cereal. The children knock down other children's
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snowmen ruthlessly to get these teeth-rotting bits of sugar and
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the occasional fortifying mineral. Is this:
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a) ethical;
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b) unethical; or
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c) setting a really really bad example for the kids watching?
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4. In yet another example of the consumption of cereal being a
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crime, the Cookie Crook wants to have some Cookie Crisps, but
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the Cop will not let him have any. So the Cookie Crook steals
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some Crisps. Is this:
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a) ethical;
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b) unethical; or
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c) showing a pattern in kid's cereal advertising?
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Okay.. enough kid's commercial questions.
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5. Danny Tanner, father of the "Full House" clan, is being pursued
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by rabid hellhounds as he rides an old two-speed bike in a
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frantic attempt to escape. The hellhounds finally catch up to
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him, ripping him to pieces. A space-time warp opens up and
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throws the Olsen twins (Michelle) and Uncle Jesse in for good
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measure. Meanwhile, Matt Shaw makes his move on Rebecca,
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Jesse's wi -- er, widow. She becomes his sex slave for as
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long as he deems her necessary. Is this:
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a) ethical;
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b) unethical; or
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c) too good to be true (in the hellhound case) and not a chance
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(in the Matt/Rebecca carnal union)?
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Usual ethics quizzes have no "right" answer. This one did. If
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you answered "c" to any of these questions, you think on the same
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wavelength as we at IAFL do. We are superior, and must band
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together to execute those who answered otherwise. Long live the
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fighters!
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[Uh.. yeah. Actually, I wouldn't mind a "carnal union" with
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"Rebecca". But that's showing my carnal side again. BTW, Jeff,
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thanks for that vote of confidence. Fuck you very very much.
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- ed.]
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--------------------------------------
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2.08 White Punks on Punk (Reviews)
|
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--------------------------------------
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SOUND:
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|
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_Human Butt_ - Rollins (MS)
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
Henry Rollins, ex-lead singer of America's seminal hardcore band
|
|
Black Flag and current frontman/vocalist for his own Rollins Band,
|
|
is equally well-known for his spoken word discs as his musical
|
|
exploits. _Human Butt_, a 2-CD set of spoken-word Rollins,
|
|
manages to be funny for the most part, yet tinged with Rollins'
|
|
own philosophy and that of the characters that populate his
|
|
true-life stories.
|
|
Consider his 52-minute "Adventures of an Asshole", in which
|
|
Rollins tries not to be an asshole for the duration of an
|
|
Australian tour with the Rollins Band. Or "Smokin' The Filter",
|
|
where he recounts the tale of his first date and his subsequent
|
|
letdown. Or (my personal favorite) "Donate Your Bodies To
|
|
Science, You Fools!", in which a homeless man called Crazy Paul is
|
|
made into a legend by a still-awed Rollins.
|
|
After hearing this album, you'll crave more of Rollins'
|
|
acerbic wit and wisdom; I know I did. A definite must, in any
|
|
home.
|
|
|
|
- Quarterstick Records
|
|
|
|
_Telephone Free Landslide Victory_ - Camper Van Beethoven (MS)
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ska. Probably not in the form it was meant to be played by all
|
|
those Brits, but ska nonetheless. And GREAT ska it is.. a
|
|
half-speed, kind of folk/ska-tinged cover of Black Flag's
|
|
"Wasted", a few subcultural jokes with "Where the Hell Is Bill?",
|
|
and the classic "Take The Skinheads Bowling". With the loopy
|
|
"Opi Rides Again/Club Med Sucks" and "Ambiguity Song" closing the
|
|
album, Camper Van put out one of the strongest, and most confusing
|
|
debuts of the 1980's.
|
|
|
|
- IRS, orig. Pitch-a-Tent
|
|
|
|
|
|
War Wagon - _Finnigan's Tongue_ (SB)
|
|
-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
okay, well, its my cousin's band, SO WHAT...
|
|
|
|
1992, Independant, PUNK/FOLK/CELTIC
|
|
|
|
okay, ever heard of a cheesy irish band called the proclaimers (well
|
|
ah would drink five hundred boll's and i would drink 500 more just
|
|
to be the man who dran 1000 boll's to get so roarin' drunk
|
|
(doodaloodoo...etc.))? well, think of them, with excellent clean
|
|
guitar, harmonica and other mixed in. well, its definitely not pop.
|
|
this is a great tape to listen to to escape from the monotony of
|
|
everlasting grunge and soundalike punk (even i get tired of it at
|
|
times) the guitar is played with laid back chording, with a nice
|
|
clean tube amp sound. the bass is subtly added to provide backing to
|
|
the guitar, not to blow out your speakers. there are many instruments
|
|
dropped out of the music scene incorporated... the harmonica and the
|
|
lead tambourine (a large tambourine that you can hear over the guitar)
|
|
as well as good, fly-by-you lyrics, like "Watching the rain, falling,
|
|
washing all my troubles, down the drain" and not a single word of bad
|
|
language in all of the 45 minutes of music.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Grapes of Wrath - _These Days_ (SB)
|
|
------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Okay, its old, so what?
|
|
|
|
well, this is not punk, but it has a really nice feel, like the war
|
|
wagon, only bigger, with better equipment and less celtic-folk
|
|
influence. it isn't really pop, but it isn't really anything. just
|
|
cool to listen to when you are trying to concentrate.
|
|
|
|
The Butthole Surfers - _Hairway to Steven_ (SB)
|
|
------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
okay, well, what can i say?
|
|
|
|
okay, this is one of the early BHS tapes, the one with the cheesy
|
|
faces on the front. this is the one with no song names, just pictures.
|
|
it's great. i love it. my parents hate it. it just pounds out so
|
|
loud... that bass drum... that bass drum... ahhh.... i could just die.
|
|
i patch it thru my bass amp and knock down small skyscrapers... and
|
|
the lyrics make sense... and you can hear all of the instruments....
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry. There will be NO Metallica reviews this issue, or ANY
|
|
issue. If that was what you came looking for, no such luck.
|
|
|
|
SIGHT:
|
|
|
|
20/20 (heh, heh.. I kill me)
|
|
|
|
Seriously.. I haven't seen any movies lately. Too busy keeping
|
|
myself literate (i.e., reading books). What a concept.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------
|
|
2.09 Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed
|
|
---------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What music do you like?
|
|
a) what is music?
|
|
b) the stuff in the elevators
|
|
c) shopping mall muzak
|
|
d) classical all the way, man
|
|
e) pop is defini cool...
|
|
f) i wear leather and smoke and hang out at the coffee shop and like
|
|
classic rock like steve earle and that stuff. good ole greasy
|
|
classic wrock
|
|
g) none of the above, where is grunge? *
|
|
sorry. grunge is not allowed in this questionnaire as it is not
|
|
music and fits in with disco and polka, as in "not really music"
|
|
h) Other
|
|
|
|
* Heavy metal, Rap and "alternative" fit in this section.
|
|
|
|
if you selected "other" before even looking at the other choices you
|
|
are:
|
|
(i) a poseur. if so, go back and select 'g'
|
|
(ii) a person who likes cheating on surveys. select 'g'
|
|
(iii) a non conformist. good, different is bad, therefore different
|
|
is different (i could go into more on this but... no...)
|
|
(iv) some loser trying to be cool
|
|
|
|
okay, question number two..
|
|
|
|
What is a good concert:
|
|
a) Auditorium, no seats, festival
|
|
b) moshpit-style
|
|
c) amphitheatre-seated
|
|
d) opera/orchestratic hall
|
|
e) club
|
|
f) outdoors, woodstock style
|
|
g) outdoors, lollapalooza (ick) style
|
|
|
|
okay, number three of three..
|
|
|
|
Is it alright for performers to give organic refuse to the crowd?
|
|
a) yes
|
|
b) no
|
|
c) what the hell is organic refuse?
|
|
|
|
okay, write the answers (question plus full choice) on a standard
|
|
size postage stamp (the back, stupid) in a close approximation of a
|
|
courier font, and mail it (INSIDE the envelope) to:
|
|
I Play Alone in the Dark,
|
|
C/O Willen B Whacken,
|
|
PO Box 9210, Grande Spoute,
|
|
Michigan, USA,
|
|
68010
|
|
and i will mail you an official sonic bellboy acid blotter look
|
|
alike, not my fault if it has problems with customs and you get
|
|
charged.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------
|
|
2.10 Dating in the 90's
|
|
---------------------------
|
|
|
|
Being single in the 90's kind of sucks, to be honest. Too many
|
|
nasty diseases floating around. Here's our guide to dating in
|
|
the 90's, punk-rock, throwback to 1981 style:
|
|
|
|
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| The IN A FREE LAND Guide to Dating in the 90's |
|
|
| Heterosexual Males Edition |
|
|
| (in fact the ONLY edition) |
|
|
| by the editors/contributors of IAFL |
|
|
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
Dating. Argh. One of the topics that none of us know like we
|
|
know that there's no HC scene in our local area, but we're experts
|
|
on it anyway. Trust us.
|
|
|
|
The most important thing to remember is this, and I quote Henry
|
|
Rollins: "Women are evil. Guys are morons." There are
|
|
exceptions, I just haven't met a woman who isn't evil, deep down,
|
|
and there's not a guy I know, not even me, who isn't a fucking
|
|
NITWIT when it comes down to the possibility of getting a date
|
|
with a really great woman.
|
|
|
|
THE LOGICAL PROCESSION
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
FIRST: Decide which you want.. a girl, or a woman. There ARE
|
|
differences. A _girl_ will not give head, usually. But she can be
|
|
coerced into going out, if you're suave enough (and older than she
|
|
is by a couple of years). And maybe you can work from there.
|
|
|
|
A _woman_, however.. that's an entirely different story. If you go
|
|
out with a woman, she will not giggle when you make a humourous
|
|
aside.. she will laugh. And chances are, if she likes you enough,
|
|
you'll be twisting yourself into varied positions all night long,
|
|
and enjoying yourself the whole time. A woman can LAST all
|
|
night.. a girl, if she decides that you're "cool" enough, will
|
|
last for one bout of intercourse, missionary position only, and
|
|
then complain about how late it's getting, or will want to (God
|
|
forbid) cuddle. If a woman wants to cuddle.. you'll WANT to, as
|
|
well. They're that good.
|
|
|
|
A word of warning.. some girls never grow up. They'll be girls
|
|
their entire life and will make whoever's fool enough to marry
|
|
them miserable to the point of suicide. Also be careful of women,
|
|
sometimes; it's entirely possible that you may fall in love with a
|
|
woman. This is never the case with a girl, because girls are too
|
|
flighty. If you do fall in love with a woman, and she returns
|
|
your love, celebrate. Do the Dance of Joy. If she doesn't, try
|
|
to forget her. And NEVER CONFUSE LOVE AND SEX. Sex does not
|
|
equal love. (although the confusion's fun for a bit.)
|
|
|
|
SECOND: Pick the right places to go to meet someone. If you want
|
|
a nice girl, one you'll have no sexual contact with, go to church.
|
|
If you want a sweet girl who you can have good sex with and be in
|
|
love with and all.. let me know when you find a place you can meet
|
|
one of those. If you want a slut.. go to a bar, with a lot of
|
|
money to buy her a few drinks. We don't advise going with the
|
|
slut, mainly because you could end up with some horrible STD.
|
|
|
|
THIRD: When you come in contact with the female of your choice,
|
|
be yourself. Don't come on like some cool-guy jock motherfucker
|
|
if you're not. If she's not impressed by you as you are, what
|
|
fucking good is she?
|
|
|
|
FOURTH: Unless the female is obviously a slut, do not try
|
|
anything sexual on the first date. To attempt a kiss is
|
|
admirable. To ask for a blowjob or a fuck is not. They don't
|
|
like that very much, and if you try it, they certainly won't like
|
|
YOU very much. Be as much a gentleman as you can, and show her
|
|
that it's the jocks/other normals who are the Neanderthals.
|
|
|
|
|
|
HINTS THAT WILL KEEP YOU INTACT
|
|
-------------------------------
|
|
|
|
1) Do NOT drop your standards for one SECOND. If you're looking
|
|
for a girl/woman who's slim, beautiful, sweet, etc., keep
|
|
looking for her. If you start looking at the girl you saw
|
|
when you came in that made you go, "There but for the grace of
|
|
God go I.." and thinking that she's not as bad as you
|
|
thought, remember: SHE IS! She was when you came in, she is
|
|
now, and you'll want to kill yourself if you wake up next to
|
|
her tomorrow morning.
|
|
|
|
2) Scope carefully for her possible male companion. It can be a
|
|
real damper on things if you approach a really great woman and
|
|
start talking, when some caveman wearing a letter jacket from
|
|
his high school glory days taps you on the shoulder and uses
|
|
his steroids-enhanced strength to beat you senseless. Always
|
|
look carefully before you leap, and make sure there's no other
|
|
guys hanging around her. Of course, if there are, it may be
|
|
her brother, which would be just as bad if he's
|
|
overprotective. Or if THEY'RE fucking (only applicable to
|
|
really remote parts of the States).
|
|
|
|
3) Protection. Although this has been OVER-stressed by the media
|
|
and anyone else who has no business knowing your business, we
|
|
suggest that you take precautions to keep from living in fear
|
|
of dying.
|
|
|
|
|
|
REJECTION AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
|
|
---------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Okay, first thing.. rejection REALLY sucks. Especially if she's
|
|
hot. But that's beside the point.
|
|
|
|
How to handle rejection varies, depending on your location. If
|
|
you're in church, for instance, you could simply say, "The Lord
|
|
has not led our paths to cross one another." If that response
|
|
makes you ill, we'll use another example. In a bar, you could
|
|
always just say, "Okay, cool," nodding your head slowly. Then
|
|
walk away.
|
|
|
|
Truth is, it varies from person to person. I handle it with
|
|
humor. Other people handle it with cruelty and personal attacks.
|
|
The less imaginative of the latter group frequently use "Fuck
|
|
you!" as a comeback. The more imaginative would simply go up to
|
|
anyone else trying to hit on her and mumble something about her
|
|
sexual preference/sexual history. Be creative.
|
|
|
|
|
|
DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
|
|
---------------------
|
|
|
|
Fuck, I don't know. Sometimes. Two people who are called
|
|
"opposites" aren't entirely opposite. They could have a favorite
|
|
movie in common, or a favorite album/type of music, or something.
|
|
(I have yet to meet a female who's heard of Big Black by her own
|
|
investigation, rather than having one of her ex-boyfriends
|
|
introduce her. But that's just my experience.)
|
|
|
|
|
|
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
|
|
---------------------
|
|
|
|
Basically, be yourself and you'll do fine. if anyone has a
|
|
problem with you being who you are, tell them to fuck off. Stick
|
|
with your standards, don't hit on a girl whose boyfriend is
|
|
standing right next to her, and don't forget those little magic
|
|
prophylactics.
|
|
|
|
<END OF IAFL DATING GUIDE>
|
|
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
2.11 Mini-Slam List
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
|
|
Decided there wasn't much to slam on except things we REALLY hate.
|
|
here goes:
|
|
|
|
My supreme bitch of an ex-girlfriend, who's one of those church
|
|
christians and, for that reason, is REALLY stupid
|
|
|
|
[yes, that was mine. - ed.]
|
|
|
|
argh! no more wannabe punks who think pearl jam = punk! death to
|
|
all of them!
|
|
|
|
the area mentality which drives us to believe we must slam on
|
|
ANYTHING
|
|
|
|
times that you just can't think of anything REALLY good to slam on
|
|
|
|
--------------------
|
|
2.12 damn junies
|
|
--------------------
|
|
|
|
okay, i used to work for a dj, selling tickets. now at one dance,
|
|
we had 200 people, (i counted) 61 of which were junior highs. i was
|
|
pretty drunk at the time, but shit.. these guys were roasted. this
|
|
one girl (they were _all_ girls) was about 4'8", maybe 80 pounds,
|
|
passed out in the main hallway. she had had a half a beer. the
|
|
police pulled 11 people out, all juniors for drinking. they puked on
|
|
the steps of the hall for 2 or 3 hours before getting the shit at home
|
|
(plus a handy 185$ fine) plus 6 or 7 _narc_ charges. while i spent
|
|
the entire night beside a cop, drunk as hell for the first 3 hours,
|
|
then refreshed in the washroom and drunk again... i had a damn lot of
|
|
beer - and i didn't get charged. or even got looked at funny. or
|
|
anything. but christ... they all smoke, they all drink... hell, people
|
|
said generation x was bad... this is generation degeneration. is their
|
|
quest to grow up while still immature, so impertinent that they can
|
|
only pick up on the bad habits? most of these 10-12 year olds,
|
|
promiscuous as hell, were all dressed like a pile of sluts. tight low
|
|
cut tops, super tight jeans, clear silk shirts, like hell - i don't
|
|
see people that desperate in high school, and i have seen some pretty
|
|
bad cases.
|
|
|
|
more bitching by the bellboy of noize...
|
|
|
|
-------------
|
|
2.13 Why?
|
|
-------------
|
|
|
|
Following the recent, unintentional semi-sexist slant this 'zine
|
|
has taken in the past couple of articles (which is unusual.. I'm
|
|
just having a bad week) is this issue's "Why?", fielded by yours
|
|
truly, the editor:
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do women seem so evil?
|
|
|
|
A: (MS) Some are. Some just don't realize that lying to us isn't
|
|
cool. Some aren't at all. I'd like to meet one in that
|
|
latter category. It's pretty much just based on your
|
|
observations, and personal opinion, rather than a matter of
|
|
the woman actually being evil. However, most of the ones I
|
|
meet are REAL FUCKING BITCHES.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
2.14 An Apology
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
I must apologize both to you, the reader, and to my fellow
|
|
contributors about my lack of strong contributions this issue.
|
|
Some really trippy shit's been going down, and I've been
|
|
distracted. Rest assured, next issue, I'll be my normal, ranting,
|
|
acerbic self again and you'll be howling just as much as you did
|
|
w/issue #1 and all of ANA.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------
|
|
2.15 The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun
|
|
----------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Merry Fucking Christmas. This christmas i got a phone bill. it came
|
|
today. i can't wait for daddy to open it and ruin my christmas. you
|
|
see, it's over 300 dollars. i'm broke. damn. you see, in canada,
|
|
where the mighty Sonic one lives, everything costs a lot. well, for
|
|
christmas i want to get an axe, so i can axe murder my parents and
|
|
blame it on Iron Maiden. i think that that would be cool. The only
|
|
thing grease music is good for is as a fall music to blame things on.
|
|
!!! Friend update !!! well, it has been 3 months now, still no
|
|
friends. Heard a new band - Fl!pper... They are (like bodacious, man)
|
|
mildly "stimulating". very heavy. in canada the speed limit is 80
|
|
km/h. have you ever driven that slow? i don't even have my licence
|
|
(and likely never will) and even i drive faster than that... damn
|
|
amish and those damn buggys always getting hit...
|
|
|
|
i still don't see how you figure that the deal sisters are nice
|
|
looking :)
|
|
|
|
[ Well, they are. - ed. (being petulant)]
|
|
|
|
a fast list of things i hate:
|
|
|
|
tori spelling
|
|
maximus bbs system
|
|
taco bell
|
|
virgin wool
|
|
syndicated television
|
|
PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALLCAPS
|
|
(BRANCH- why are new users inclined to type in allcaps? do you forget
|
|
all of the shit they forced into your head in english on your first
|
|
message? don't fucking yell or i will come and type in allcaps with a
|
|
big hammer on your head)
|
|
the fender guitar company
|
|
my toes
|
|
UNIX computers
|
|
egyptian currency
|
|
people who are anti-asian
|
|
|
|
[ This almost went into the Slam list, but it fit better here.
|
|
I'm a purist, deal with it. - ed. ]
|
|
|
|
Okay, thats all for the Sonic Bellboy for this edition of Canadian
|
|
connexshun.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------
|
|
2.16 Well, G'Night, Everybody!
|
|
----------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Thanks for reading. Next issue: the return of my asshole
|
|
attitude. <King Crimson's "Lark's Tongues In Aspic, Pt. I", just
|
|
before the main riff.. suspense building.>
|
|
|
|
Nods again to Sonic Bellboy, whose material basically carried this
|
|
issue. I just wish calls to Canada didn't cost so fucking much.
|
|
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Brother, you'd better get down on your knees and pay,
|
|
a thousand more fools are being born every fucking day."
|
|
- Bad Religion, "1,000 More Fools", _Suffer_
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|