76 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
76 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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// // //// ////// ////// //
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #2, Issue #10, File #037 ]
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[ "Labels Galore" by Raven ]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Labels Galore
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[raven/MG]
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Time for another list. Yes I know, that's all I write are stupid
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lists, but this one's a good one, really. :) This one's got k-cool warnings
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and instructions from the labels of different products. Just read and see.
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1. This is from the inside cover of my copy of Mortal Kombat for Sega:
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"WARNING: READ BEFORE USING YOUR SEGA VIDEO GAME SYSTEM.
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A very small percentage of individuals may experience epileptic seizures
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when exposed to certain light patterns or flashing lights. Exposure to
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certain patterns or backgrounds on a television screen or while playing
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video games may induce an epileptic seizure in these individuals.
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Certain conditions may induce undetected epileptic symptoms even in
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persons who have no history of prior seizures or epilepsy. If you, or
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anyone in your family, has an epileptic condition, consult your
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physician prior to playing. If you experience any of the following
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symptoms while playing a video game - dizziness, altered vision, eye or
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muscle twitches, loss of awareness, disorientation, any involuntary
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movement, or convulsions - IMMEDIATELY discontinue use and consult your
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physician before resuming play."
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I don't know about you, but I find epilepsy especially amusing!
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2. This is the warning on a package of Carefree sugarless bubble gum:
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"Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product
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contains saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in
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laboratory animals."
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Ahh, yes, saccharin, nature's own. Care free my ass.
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3. Ahem, the instructions for Trojan latex condoms:
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" ---- IMPORTANT ----
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Directions for condom use:
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BEFORE SEX
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1. Use a new condom every time you have sex - before foreplay, before
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penis gets anywhere near any body opening. (To avoid exposure to
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any body fluid that can carry infection.) Handle condom gently.
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2. Put condom on as soon as penis is hard. Be sure rolled-up ring is
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on the outside. And leave space at tip to hold semen when you
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come.
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3. Squeeze tip gently so no air is trapped inside. Hold tip while you
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unroll condom...all the way down to the hair. If condom doesn't
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unroll, it's on wrong. Throw it away. Start over with a new one.
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AFTER SEX
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Pull out slowly right after you come, while penis is still hard.
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Hold condom in place on penis to avoid spilling semen. Turn and
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move completely away before you let go of condom. Throw used
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condom away. And no more sex without a new condom. If condom
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breaks and semen spills or leaks, don't panic. But quickly wash
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semen away with soap and water."
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Wow, they said penis. Though, the funniest part is the next section
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entitled 'TIPS FOR SUCCESS.' I won't transcribe that one, because it's
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funnier if you just read the title.
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Hmm.. I wonder if I'm dead when you're reading this...
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==============================================================================
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Call the Recluse BBS at (301) 314-1505
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==============================================================================
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