123 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
123 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
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°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK]
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°°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #28
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°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "People are Shitheads"
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°°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Yohan Bawk
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People are Shitheads
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--------------------
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or
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Another Racist Communist Plot to
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Impurify and Destroy our Vital
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Bodily Fluids
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--------------------------------
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By Hrrrmph
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Edited by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III
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Hello, my name is Hrrrmph, and I'm an infestation. Yes, that's right,
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other folks may be doctors and lawyers and teachers and mayors and
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lamprey hunters, but me, I'm just a lowly infestation. To be more
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specific, I'm a thrown out empty can of Snapple Kiwi and Strawberry
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cocktail floating merrily along on the Chicago River (boy, and you were
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starting to think I was a yeast infection or something. Ewwww!).
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Now every day (before I got thrown in this dump that is) I would hear
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people complaining about pollution and I always thought, "well, heck,
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those people are right, pollution is downright ugly." But now, I
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myself am a piece of pollution, and I guess my mind is a lot more open
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now to these alternate lifestyles, because NOW (obviously) I don't
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think pollution is so ugly anymore.
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Heck. Some of my best friends are pieces of pollution.
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Anyway, I'm here today to tell you about the newest menace to the
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freedom and character and vital bodily fluids of the continental Untied
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States, yes, that's right, yet another new and terrible form of
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discrimination.
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Yes, I am a sad victim of the new scourge to civil rights lawyers
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everywhere, UTILITARIAN DISCRIMINATION. Now this may sound new,
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because it is, so you're probably asking "what is this crap?" Well,
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I'm sure you've heard of racial discrimination, and religious or sexual
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discrimination, and some of you may even have heard of the less popular
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small furry animals discrimination. Well anyway racial discrimination
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is when people treat people differently because of race and stuff,
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sexual because of sex and stuff, small furry animals because the guys
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who work for the big make-up companies have guns. Well, whatever--
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that's not important because basically the only thing I worry about is
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utilitarian discrimination, which is when employers, dump operators,
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etc. treat someone differently because of the fact that they're not
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useful.
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Now this is totally unfair, and I'm in court today to protest this un-
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American unjustice. Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may
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demand some evidence to back my charges of utilitarian discrimination.
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Well here are some examples. When I had just been thrown aside, it
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wasn't in the river, it was on the side of the road, being thrown FROM
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THE WINDOW OF A CAR. Ouch! Now, I was part of a six pack you know,
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and none of the OTHER cans were thrown out the window to die. If that
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wasn't discrimination, I don't know what is. Now then I was bouncing
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and rolling around, finally falling into a bed of daisies, when some
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guy with an orange vest on comes along with a trash bag and says
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"hrrmph!" Now of course I started listening, but then he just said
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"geez, all this trash," and picked me up and threw me in the disgusting
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smelly trash can! Ewww! You don't see those trash stooges throwing
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any daisies in their trash cans, do you? Of course not, clearly more
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discrimination against us poor discarded implements. Then, the guy's
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bag springs a leak, and all this trash comes out, and so do I. The guy
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leans over to pick up the stuff when his pocket change rolls out of his
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pockets, and he starts running after it. Now at this time I started
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rolling down toward the sick Chicago River, but did he come running
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along to save ME? Of course not, he went for his pocket change. More
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shocking discrimination. Anyway then I fell down PLOP into the river,
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and there I am to this day, and Jesus, don't I hate it here. Every now
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and then I hear someone yell "hrrmph, look at all this shit floating in
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the river," and I just want to say, "well then SAVE ME, I KNOW there's
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shit all over the river," but of course I have no vocal cords--probably
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because even GOD discriminates against useless things.
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Anyway, the point is, I want restitution for the emotional damages
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caused me by my shocking experiences with utilitarian discrimination.
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Hey, if you're good looking, remember, I too was once wanted, so I'm
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not some pathetic welfare recipient asking for dough; if you're not
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good looking, heck, join forces with me and ASK FOR YOUR AMERICAN
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RIGHTS under our fucked-up Constitution.
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HRRRMPH FOR PRESIDENT '96
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(Democrat)
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³³ Vote for me,
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³ ³ S N A P P L E ³ ³³ I can relate with
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³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³³ all your shit
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³ Kiwi-Strawberry Cocktail ³³/
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³ ³³ o
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³ ³³ o
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÙ o
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Û Û [MiLK] Information
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Û Û
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Û Û [MiLK] Sites:
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Û Û
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Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 28, "People Are Shitheads" By Yohan Bawk
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 6733 bytes long
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