198 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
198 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
Û Û [MiLK] Û Û
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Û Û Û Û
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Û Û Mighty Issue # 8 Û Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Tang Beverage Crystals.." Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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Well, it has just recently occurred to me that some of you have not
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yet been acquainted to the divine beverage known as Tang. Milk is, of course,
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a healthy source of calcium, and is needed for a "balanced diet", but if you
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travel farther out in the world of elixirs, you will doubtlessly return
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stirring a thick glass of Tang.
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As most of you know, what you get when you purchase Tang is basically
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a big jar with stuff in it. The stuff inside is what we are interested in
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here (although the jars have many uses of their own, which will be discussed
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in greater detail later). Tang is a orange granular powder, when combined
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with water, or combined with the saliva in your mouth, that produces a
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wonderful taste sensation.
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If you read the label on the nearest jar of Tang, it will become
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apparent that Tang is very beneficial to your lifestyle.
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* Contains 100% US RDA for Vitamin C (refer to appendix A for complete
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US RDA statistics)
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* Also contains 5 other essential vitamins
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* Natural orange flavor
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* No preservatives
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Tang, like breakfast cereal, can be purchased in many different sizes,
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ranging from 15 ounce jars, to giant 5 pound containers (for the true
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connoisseur). Tang beverage crystals can be found at most major supermarkets.
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But, there are some things to watch out for when you go to your local Jewel to
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buy Tang. In it's natural, pure powder form, Tang is a tasty drink. However,
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merchandisers have set out to cash in on the Tang phenomenon. There is an
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'alternate' flavor, called "MANGO TANG", which is now being sold on
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supermarket shelves. Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY IT. It is not the "natural
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orange flavor" that you were expecting, but simply a disgusting blend of
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tangerines, mangos, and other tropical fruits that Mr. Tastebud would
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definitely give a thumbs DOWN to. Tang is also marketed in juice box
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containers along with drinks such as Hi-C. Although this form of Tang has
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vaguely the correct flavor, it's potency is DRASTICALLY less then a well-mixed
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glass of regular Tang. These boxes are like Tang for infants.
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But I know you people out there are not infants, and desire real
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quality, strong taste in your beverage. Well, look no further, because I will
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now give Epic's instructions for mixing a proper dosage of Tang. There are
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instructions for this mixing on the label of the jar, but these are wholly
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inadequate for our purposes. First of all, you'll have to remove the lid.
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There should be a thin paper layer (with the Tang logo embossed across it)
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that completely separates the Tang from the open air. This is to preserve
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freshness, and to ensure safety (you wouldn't want Bad Mr. Psycho putting any
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poisons into your beverages). Strike this barrier with your knuckle with
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moderate force, and it will break with a satisfying <pop>. Magic Tang dust
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will most likely be spread out into the air, but do not fear, there is much,
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much more where that came from.
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You will now need to locate something suitable to drink your Tang out
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of. Glasses work fine, but I prefer a large frosted mug. Pour your desired
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amount of beverage crystals into the glass. There is a chart on the side of
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the jar with suggested amounts. Throw this away, and maybe even stomp on it
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before you do so. It is weak. My standard measure would be to multiply the
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suggested levels by four or five (The jar recommends 4 teaspoons for one
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glass. You should use about 16-20 teaspoons). With a little practice you can
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measure this level by eyesight, and will never have to measure your Tang
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again.
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After your Tang has been successfully transferred in a proper amount
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into your holder of choice, it is time for the liquid to be added. You can
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use water (tap, from the fridge, bottled, distilled, 2%, from your showerhead,
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in gaseous form, etc. Any form really will do.) or whatever other kinds of
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creative juices that you can come up with. Stir the liquid into your Tang with
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a stirring utensil, and then your task is completed.
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Having successfully mixed a glass of Tang, put your sweet lips to
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your glass and enjoy. If you feel that your dosage of beverage crystals is not
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strong enough, add more. And be generous, share your Tang with your friends,
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and let them know what a wonderful thing that Tang can be for you both.
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I would like to take this portion of this file to clear up some
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'myths' about Tang that have been floating around for some time.
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Myth : You can get AIDS from sharing a glass of Tang.
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FALSE: There has not once been a confirmed case of Tang being a carrier for
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the AIDS virus.
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Myth : If you drink too much Tang, you can get sick.
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FALSE: Tang is pure goodness. Although Vitamin C can be toxic in massive
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amounts, the amount ingested through drinking Tang, no matter HOW
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much, could really not adversely affect your health at all
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Myth : Tang is habit-forming.
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TRUE : Although medical studies have proven that Tang cannot cause a chemical
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dependency, drinkers of Tang tend to want more and more. This is not
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due to any addictive substances in the drink, but however the pleasant
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taste sensations that Tang gives to the human mouth.
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Myth : Eating Tang raw is bad for you.
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FALSE: ABSOLUTELY not. One of the best ways to enjoy Tang is direct from the
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beverage crystals. Licking your finger and sticking it in the jar, or
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even taking a mouthful directly from the jar are perfectly acceptable
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means of ingesting this divine substance. The raw crystals can in no
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way be harmful to you, and often provide a better, more potent tangy
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flavor.
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With some of those myths cleared up, hopefully people will be able to
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enjoy their Tang without fear. Simple nourishment and taste is not the only
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thing that can be gained from this wonderful substance. Here are some other
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uses for Tang that me and various friends have discovered :
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* Smoking material - If mixed with tobacco (or other smokeable
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substances), Tang can be smoked. It adds a definite twist of flavor
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to the smoke, which some people find quite enjoyable, and enhances
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the smoking experience.
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* Hair dye - If especially potent Tang is mixed (approx. 1 part Tang
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to 1 part water), the mixture can be used to add a shiny orangish
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tint to hair, which is very attractive. This works best on blonde
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hair, but may show some results for darker shades.
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* Flavoring for tea and coffee - Replace your sugar bowl with a jar
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of Tang for a refreshing new flavor for your other beverages.
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* Jewelry - The lid and jar of Tang can be used in making various kinds
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of jewelry (such as necklaces, bracelets, and earrings) that can even
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be sold at a comfortable profit)
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* Communication - As with cans, empty jars of Tang can be an economical
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device for communication. Simply attach a string to the bottoms of
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two jars, and speak into the hole while the other person listens
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through the whole. Watch AT&T have a conniption when they start losing
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customers to the Tang Friends and Beverages Program.
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* Deodorant - Just vigorously shake your jar of Tang, and then remove
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the lid. Powderised Tang will emanate from the jar, filling the area
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with an aromatic fragrance sure to combat any nasty odors.
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* Freshness - Just like baking soda, you can place an open jar of Tang
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anywhere to keep things fresh. It improves the air quality, and even
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repels moths!
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* And lastly, Recycling - Your Tang jar is an eco-friendly container.
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After enjoying the last of your beverage crystals, you can use the jar
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to store anything around your home that might need storage. And if you
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don't need to store anything around your home, take the jar to your
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local recycling center, and Captain Planet himself will give you a
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thumbs up!
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I think that's about all for this informative study of the beverage
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known as Tang. Please show this to all of your beverage drinking friends, and
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spread the holy word of Tang around as much as possible. If you have any
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questions about Tang, I (Epic), can be easily reached on the Lunatic Phringe
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BBS (708-232-0565), or the Obloid Sphere (708-965-3098). There is also a hot
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line provided by Kraft General Foods (the makers of Tang) for any of your
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questions or comments. Feel free to call 1-800-431-1002, toll free, 9-4 (EST),
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weekdays only. Thank you, and remember, FUCK moderation, grab yourself some
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Tang and DRINK UP.
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Meetz + Greetz = Frizzle Fry, Puddlez, Rodney Rathbone, Tommy The Cat,
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Nature Boy, DanziG, and all my other Tang drinkin'
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buddies. I couldn't have done this without you guys.
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------------------------------------------------------------
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Appendix A - US RDA Nutrition Information Per Serving (*)
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Serving Size... 6 fl oz. Calories...... 70g Protein........ 0g
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Carbohydrates.. 19g Sodium........ 0g Fat............ 0g
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* - Note that Epic's suggested serving size is 4-5 times the suggested
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serving size on the container. Adjust the information for your needs.
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Appendix B - Percentages of US RDA
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Protein....... * Riboflavin.... 10% Vitamin B6..... 10%
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Vitamin A..... 10% Niacin........ 10% Folic Acid..... 20%
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Vitamin C..... 100% Calcium....... * Iron........... *
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* - Contains less than 2% of the USA RDA of these nutrients
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
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[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098
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[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield
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Nyarlathotep
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Epic
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[MiLK] Issue Number - 8
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[MiLK] Issue Size - 10881 Bytes
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[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/09/94
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "You IDIOT! That's the Milk-curdler Button!" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
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