204 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #25
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For Anne.
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- Tonight on -
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U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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On March 25, 1952, water fell on the parched township of
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Bigass, N. Dakota. The residents thought it was rain, but new evidence
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points to a possible visit by Saint Sister Panama Canal, the famous
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Spitting Nun of Paraguay . . .
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Wil Weaton had a gimme role on the most popular syndicated
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series in history. Yet, for no apparent reason, he left the show to
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star in such megahits as The Last Prostitute and Toy Soldiers. A lapse
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of common sense, maybe -- but this man says that Brent Spiner was
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putting LSD in Weaton's coke . . . and Weaton LOVED it!
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Hundreds of children walk across this seemingly quiet street
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every day, and yet no one has attempted to kidnap, or even harass, a
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single one. We'll show you perverts out there EXACTLY where this street
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is at, and maybe YOU can provide us with a future segment on . . .
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U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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(cue eerie "wooo-wooo" music)
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(cut to commercial)
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Woman 1: (shyly) June, I have a problem . . .
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Woman 2: What is it, Nancy?
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1: Well . . . it's that time of the month, I'm not fresh, my pad is
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leaking, I'm constipated, and my hemorrhoids are killing me!
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2: I have EXACTLY what you need! Disgusto Brand (tm) "Lil' Problem
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Solver"! It's a douche, laxative, hemorrhoid balm and super-absorbant
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maxi all in one!
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1: BULLSHIT!
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2: It really works! Just jam it in your panties then bounce in your
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seat real hard! It works wonders! (just don't use it with white
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pants) . . .
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1: GET OFF! I'm not 'aving that filth 'round my place!
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2: . . . Comes in cherry flavor . . .
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1: Wellllllllll . . . Maybe I'll give it a try!
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2: That's the spirit! Now get off my bloody sofa . . .
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Voice over: Disgusto Brands (tm) Personal Care Products for Hatefully
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Disgusting Problems. Not for internal consumption. Keep
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away from children and small animals. Not responsible for
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any itching caused by misuse of product.
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We now return to . . .
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UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!
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March 5, 1991. Humbolt, California. In this shady glade, 9,000
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acres of primo marijuana was reaching maturity. Careful cultivation of
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the special hashplant+haze+northern lights #5 clones had assured that
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each of the 15-foot-tall plants was an unpollinated female. Buds as
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large as 25 pounds were reported by the locals.
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Then it all vanished.
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The only clue to this mystery is this white, 1973 Dodge
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Charger and its sole occupant . . . Mr. Mike Beebe.
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Me: "DUDE! ALIENS! ALIENS STOLE THEM DUDE'S BUD! OH DUDE! IT WAS
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HATEFUL! I was all kickin' it in my Charger listenin' to
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Metallica 'cuz I was hella stoned . . . NO! I wasn't hella
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stoned! I don't do that shit! So dude, I was tokin' on this
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joint and this big ol' silver garbage can lid thing came down,
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landed over there at the site now marked by the Humbolt UFO
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Landing Site and Historic Museum (25 cents admission, please) and
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these dudes all came out and snagged them dude's buds! I say we
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organize a hunting party! Just can't go around stealin' people's
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bud! Oh! Is that the time? Uh, gotta get these . . . ummmmm . .
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errrm . . . damn this short-term memory loss . . . uuuhhh . . .
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bails of marijuana . . . HAY! Bails of HAY down to Sacramento
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before any cops see . . . before it rains. Gotta get these
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bails of hay back down to Sacramento before it rains. Oh hey man
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-- my joint went out! Gotta light, dude? Are those shot-guns
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them dudes have? Uh - I really gotta bail, bud. Hope you catch
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them aliens . . . I'm outta here . . ."
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[SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]
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(sound of 75 mile long burnout)
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Robert Stack: "While it may not be the crop circles of England, or the
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famous Kelly Farm House encounter in Georgia, the Great
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Humbolt Siting of 1991 will go down in history as a true
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tale of a close encounter of the 5th kind - when aliens
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come down and snag your bud!"
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Slightly peeved, baseball-bat wielding mob: "Hey - where'd that dude in
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the Charger go?"
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(fade to commercial)
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HEY MOMS!
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Why not treat the kids to something entertaining and educational?
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Take the little bastards to see . . .
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S T O N E R S O N I C E
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- - - - - - - - - - - -
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An afternoon of enchantment with a powerful anti-drug message!
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See vicious loadies culled from the public parks, head shops and white,
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1973 Chargers of America on the ice in the awe-inspiring "Stagger of
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the Third Bong Hit", the heart-warming "Rollin' a Jamaican", and the
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grand-finale "I Got Three Pounds and Here Comes the Cops!".
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Don't let this valuable, only slightly expensive opportunity pass you
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by! Cough up the $50 a ticket (under-12, matinee only. Adult tickets:
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$300.00) and teach your progeny a lesson they won't soon forget:
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Don't get loaded and go ice skating!
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A Bill Graham "Beyond The Grave" Production.
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"Beyond the Grave" owned by:
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L. Ron Hubbard
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Louis Lamore
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And a host of other writers who, although dead, seem not to have given
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it up yet. (Read that as: "Families of whom are greedy sonsabitches
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and don't see anything wrong with whoring the dear name of their long
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deceased relative in a bizarre form of financial necrophilia")
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ALSO COMING SOON FROM BILL GRAHAM -
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* The Doors
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* Led Zeppelin
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* Mommas and the Poppas (I miss Cas, she was supposed to bring me back a
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sandwich from Togos! And I gave her 5 bucks, too!)
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* The Beatles (opening act: 3 More Bullets)
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* Pink Floyd ("Well . . . 'e was was coughin' up blood last night!")
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* Jimi and Janis: The Vomitgargling Tour
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* Sammy "I'm like a cat's behind - one eye and I'm blind in it" Davis Jr.
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* Disco (not!)
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* Herman Goehring and the Hitlertones
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* John F. Kennedy's "Gaping Head Wound" Tour '91-'92
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* Grateful Dead (coming soon)
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We return you to . . .
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UNSOLVED MYSTERIES
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And now we update you on a case we profiled on a previous show.
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The object that millions of Americans saw streak out of the heavens
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and crash into a field in New Hampshire has been identified as George
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Bush's re-election chances.
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Please quit calling the 800 number now.
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NEXT WEEK ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES we'll profile these intriguing cases:
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* Every year, millions of women get pregnant without ever knowing who
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the father is. We believe we've cornered him. See the amazing career
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of fertility doctor Cecil Jacobson.
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* While driving on this road in rural New Mexico, Pedro Jesus
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Fernandez Gonzales Fredrico Pablo San Lucas saw an object at the
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side of the road. It looked like a duck. It walked like a duck.
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It quacked like a duck. What was it? 15 experts give us their opinions.
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* Was Vice President Dan Quayle assassinated in 1989 and replaced with
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a wooden dummy? While it would be almost impossible to tell the
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difference, staggering new evidence suggests that this indeed might
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have happened. In the last 2 years, Quayle's IQ went up 10 points,
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almost positive evidence that he has been replaced by something far
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smarter than himself.
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(roll closing credits. Cue "wooo-wooo" music)
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-----
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This Madness writen under the influence of chocolate-covered coffee
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beans, marijuana and Metallica. Better living through chemicals and
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loud music, I say!
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Drek excreted by:
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Mike "Naw, that dog's always walked kinda funny" Beebe
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-----
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(C) 1992 Yucks For You, Inc.
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Comments & Flames to Author: Mike Beebe (currently has no E-mail address.
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Send all feedback to address below and it will
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be forwarded to him.)
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All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from <smbancroft@ucdavis.edu>
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or by anonymous ftp from <bikini.cis.ufl.edu> (128.227.224.1) in directory
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/pub/mikesmad. "Thanks Eric!"
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