373 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
373 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #20
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Coming soon from Schlockmeister Pictures!
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It's Fast!
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It's Furious!
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It's Foul!
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-- It's! --
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= S M O K E Y A N D T H E B A N D I T =
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(part 8)
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"Burt Reynolds drinks a lotta beer and drives like an asshole!"
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WITNESS!
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* A midget break wind for twenty-three seconds! A new North Carolina record!
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TPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbBBbbbbbbBBBbbbbbbBbbBbbbb
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BBbBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPpTpTpTpTpTpTPPPPPBPBPBPBPBPBPBBPPPPPPPPPPPPP
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tBBBtBBBBBtBBBBtttBBBBtBBBBtBBBtBBBBBBBTT!
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Yeeeewww-EEE!!!!!!!! Yo' sho' did slice that one thick! Roll down a winder!
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Awdamn! I'm gonna choke! Roll down th' damn winder! It must be a hun'red 'n
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fifteen in here! Open a door an' dissipate that mother! GAW-DAMN! If yo'
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sick, go t' th' hospital! DAMN! It smells like you SHIT! Hey -- why you
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squirmin' so much?
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HEAR!
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* Jackie Gleason mutter an obscenity so foul it'd wilt five minutes off'n hour!
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Jackie: Nibblits!
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Old Crone 1: BLIMEY!
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Old Crone 2: What's that, love?
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1: They just said "nibblits"!
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2: ON TELLY?!
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1: Yes!
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2: BLIMEY! FRED!
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Fred: What love?
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2: They've just said "nibblits" on the TELLY!
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Fred: And right during the family hour!
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2: Write the paper at once!
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Dear Sirs!
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They said "nibblits" on the telly! This and the bloody Pole Tax --
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It's the end of civilization!
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Mr. I.M. Notalooney
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Spamhurst
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P.S. I know there's no such place as Spamhurst; I just use it so you
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don't know where I am.
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-------------------------------
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ALSO FROM SCHLOCKMEISTER FILMS!
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-------------------------------
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It's a documentary!
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It's a racing film!
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It's . . .
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-- H O T - R O D H I T L E R ! --
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The FASTEST FUEHRER in RACING! (tm)
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Himmler: ACH! Der Allies are catching up vith der Fuehrer!
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Hess: The pride of all Germany iss at sstake!
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Goring: Der British are coming along der outside! Only vun lap to go!
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Hess: They've passssed him! All is losst!
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Goring: NEIN! Ees time for Plan A!
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Hess: Call out der Shtukas?
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Goring: YA!
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mmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEE!!!!
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* - Bah-OOM - *
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Goring: Und Deutchland ees der vinner!
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Churchill: Nibblits!
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Old Crone 1: They've said it AGAIN!
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Old Crone 2: Nibblits?
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1: YES!
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2: 'Oo said it!?
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1: Winston bleedin' Churchill!
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2: Blimey!
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1: Blimey!
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2: Blimey!
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1: Blimey!
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2: What we keep sayin' "Blimey!" for?
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1: We're British!
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2: Oh yes . . .
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1: If we were German, we would say something like "Got-en-himmil".
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2: If we were German, we'd be vomitting gallons of beer upon the streets of
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Nuemburg! But we're British and refrain from such activity.
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1: Bloody shame, that.
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2: Yeeeeesss . . .
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1: We could vomit Port on 10 Downey Street!
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2: We'd have to wait 'til Maggie was done . . .
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1: Small price to pay, I say!
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2: I shall book an agent at once!
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[dial]-[dial]-[dial]
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A L L B R I T I S H T O U R S
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(in association with)
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R O T T E N B A S T A R D T R A V E L
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Presents
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----------------------
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Let's Despoil Britain!
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----------------------
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Ever wanted to wreak general havoc on some of
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those boring old landmarks that litter Greater
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Britian? Well, what better way to do it than with a
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bath of Watney's and semi-digested bangers? Or how
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about London Pride and Bloodpie? It's great eating
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and senseless vandalism all about the Island as we
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go Despoiling Britian!
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Sponsored by the same assholes that came up with
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that damn "Chunnel" idea. Nuke them and their
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fucking tunnel, I say. Anything that allows huge
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smelly masses of froggies to cross the Channel is
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inherently wrong and should be stopped by any means
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necessary. Thank you.
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What if disco wasn't really dead?
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What if the Pope was a hamster?
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What if Jessie Helms had a brain?
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Ever wonder about these possibilities?
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Then read:
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AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION!
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This Month:
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-----------
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- Futurist Author C. Clarke on Squash in the 22'nd Century!
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- Riding the Bus in 2020!
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- Electrical Fixtures of the Future!
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- Peoria: City of Wonders!
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- John C. Lilly: 1,400 More Obscene Things to do with a Dolphin!
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(includes 3815 color glossy photos, digital CD read-along sound
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track, 800 page instruction manual, illustrated anatomically correct
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diagrams, 4 tickets to Marine World, an inflatable dolphin and 3
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tabs of acid. Over 21 only, please.)
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It's better than OMNI!
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It's better than SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN!
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It's not better than TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY!
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It's . . .
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AMAZING (ly boring) SCIENCE FICTION!
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(not yet available in New Zealand due to local libel laws)
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Old Crone 1: Teenage Masturbation Weekly? What sort of magazine is that?
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TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY: Personal Use, Not Abuse
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(contains no animal by-products)
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DON'T POUND THAT PUD!
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DON'T LET JACKING OFF BE A DUD!
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- READ -
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TEENAGE MASTURBATION WEEKLY
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---------------------------
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The first magazine for the serious masturbator! We
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* BANG! *
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Thud.
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Dear Sirs,
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The Thatcher Government feels magazines such as Teenage Masturbation
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Weekly are most inappropriate unless accompanied by color photos of nude MP's.
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Royally,
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Prince Phillip
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P.S. Get on with Flipper, you bastards!
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Hey FLIP-PER! FLIP-PER! Help us FLIPPER! We've foolishly gone riding our
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windsurfers into the middle of hurricane Camile! FLIP-P.. There he is!
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FLIPPER! HEY! Nevermind the other dolphin! HELP US!.. You can get some LATER!
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YOU STUPID DOLPHIN! WE'RE GONNA DROWN DAMNIT! GO AHEAD! FUCK YOUR BRAINS
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OUT! WE DIE AND THAT'S THE END OF THE FISH! YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE FISHIES!
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Think about THAT you stupid dolphin! No more free meals! Why didn't we get
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a dog? Or a horse? Or something that could come outta the water? It's not
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like we could take him to Show-and-Tell or anything! DAMNIT FLIPPER! . . .
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And now, Steve's Madness!! (oh gawd..)
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I'm not a loadie
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I don't know why
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Not 'cause I'm shy
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But to comply
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With the hungry urge
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To slurge
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And get eaten
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or beaten or cretin
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To the pipe with bowls
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Packed not with Skoals
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But the wonderful weed
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Without the seed
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Can you dig it
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When you take a hit
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And your Purple maze
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Falls to a Haze
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Of camping trips
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Of sailing ships
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Of Lochness land
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of my old man
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Of my old man?
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I'd Better hide
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My pipe
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I drove to San Jose the other day and was surprised to find not me but my
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neighbor sitting on the grass eating a fig. I asked him why. He said,
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"Because of the wonderfully great Social Standing I achieve. I can
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become anything I want just by eating this here fig. Why, my good man, I
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can give you a thousand reasons why eating this fig here can help you get
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taller, or have longer hair, or to wonder about bicycles. Do bicycles in
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fact have any grapefruits hanging from their spokes? Well, one would have
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to assume that bicycles with such extremeties would eventually condescend
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the moral conduct that everyone well respects and deserves when we trip hard."
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I was disconcerted, to say the least.
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There will not be an article for Jews.
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#54 An Article for Jews
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An Article for Jews
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Hey there you bloody twit! Can't your read!? This isn't an article for Jews.
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Dump-da-da-da-TA!
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It's
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Bowling for REPO-MEN.
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Announcer: "Yes folks, time now once again for Bowling for Repo-men.
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Our three-day returning champion with total winnings of $4500, 2
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repo-men and a button-nose, please welcome Mr. David Beatmymeat from
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Pilsbury. Welcome back David."
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David: "Uh, yeah. Hi. My names David and I have a wife and three
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kids who work in a button factory."
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Announcer: "Our challenger today on Bowling for Repo-men is a young
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securities clerk from Boston. He is currently not employed and is
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spending time doing research in the Pacific Ocean studying the
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reproductive activity of dust-mites, welcome Bob Grabmedong from Sussex."
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Bob: "I gave at the office."
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Announcer: "Are the two contestants ready?"
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David: (affirmative nod)
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Bob: (raises hand)
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Announcer: (a little annoyed) "uh....Yes, Bob?"
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Bob: "Are we going to have to raise our hand every time we have a question?"
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Announcer: ". . . . . . . I don't think thats going to be necessary Bob.
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Since both of you seem ready, let's start _Round One_ of Bowling for
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Repo-men!"
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(mild applause from audience)
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(Bob and Dave take their positions in their lanes on the bowling alley.)
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Announcer: "Our first question is to you, David since you are our returning
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champion. David, for $30 and a chance at bowling, who once ate three
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crates of spam after smoking 5 bowls of marijuana, and threw up into a vat
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of living whale sperm leaving Jane Fonda to clean up the mess?
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David: "Uh, was it, ..uh... oh, uh, was it"
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(audience claps)
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Announcer: "Thats exactly right, David! You earn $30 and get to make your
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first `bowl' of the evening."
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(David grasps bowling ball and prepares to bowl)
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Announcer: "Now, David, if you can hit that repo man sitting on his
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crotch over there by the Space Invaders machine, you get to keep him."
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David: "Yeah! . . ."
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(David appears serious as he bowls the ball across the aisle into the
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games section and pegs a big black dude with a .45 hanging off his belt)
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(audience gasps in horror)
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Announcer: "ooooOOOooooo David.. thats not good. You forgot our
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original (possibly) useful advice that bowlers should NEVER bowl for
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repo men that carry (possibly) harmful projectile weapons. Now David,
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you must dodge the repo-man's bullets or lose the $30 and the rest of
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your life. Good luck!"
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(announcer takes out a small kazoo from his shirt pocket and hums into it)
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David: "Holy SHIT!"
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(big black dude starts chasin David all over the alley screamin' and
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shootin' and a scuffing up the bowling alley. Now we all know that
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the management don' like them boys to be a roughin' it and a toughin'
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it and generally scuffin' up the bowlin' alley, so we had the big
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black dude suspended.)
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Announcer: "And now a word from your sponsor."
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'Toilet paper is fun to wrap yourself in,' and other great tunes can now be
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heard on this all expense paid vacation trip to Maui for RENTING OUR CAR.
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Yes, rent our car now and you will be eligible. I mean, who wouldn't?
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.. Who? .. Never heard of him. You just can't pass up this tremendous offer.
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(quiets down)
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Good evening. Tonight we present a series of films for culture lovers
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entitled 'How to eat bologna without getting it in your hair,' Parts One
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through Eleven, sponsored by Jim's Rubber Clothing. Part one commences
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almost immediately.
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(shuts up .. person eating sandwich appears on screen)
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Wasn't that wonderful. Part two commences almost soon enough, but first,
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a word from these messages.
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"Greetings folks. Today is National Diversity week. The day when you can go
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outside and eat a frog and not feel guilty about it. The cost is only
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$19.95 and you can even pay in stamps. So go on outside today, right now,
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this instant, and eat a frog. Completely free, only partially immoral, and
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wholly improper! So don't miss this once-in-a-weekend opportunity to eat a
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frog, guilt-free, on National Diversity week. Try one, today! (gives big grin)
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-----
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(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.
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