174 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
174 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #7
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Do you ever think that George Bush wakes up every morning and says
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"Today I'm going to do something." and then goes right back to bed? I do.
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It's The Adolf Hitler Show!!!
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Achtung! Velcome to the Adolf Hitler Show, where our contestants can win
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prizes like a fully armed Stuka dive-bomber, the 3'rd African Panzer Corps
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and annexation of the Sudetenland! Our first player tonight is from Bristol
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and specializes in putting the boot to the groin! Please welcome Mr. Rommel!
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[silence]
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Alright Mr. Rommel, your first question tonight is:
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What is the basis for Lenin's interpretation of historical dialecticism?"
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No answer? Bad luck there, it is in fact a 20 page answer, which we won't
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be giving you. But for your concellation prize, you get to be mowed down by a
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Messerschmidt 109!
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BRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPP! BRAAAAAPPPPPPP!
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What a good sport he was! Now our next contestant . . . Ach! Vere did the
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the next contestant go? Ahhh, ve see you hiding under the Panzer! Guards!
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Bring the prisoner . . . er . . . the contestant up here, please. Ah, a
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little nervous perhaps? This is Mrs. B. J. Jewbaiter from East London. Okay,
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Mrs. Jewbaiter, for the lovely Fokker 102 long range bomber, what is the
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capitol of the Soviet Union?
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'Ere! I don't know that!
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Too bad, then. It is in fact Berlin, AT LEAST IT WAS UNTIL THE FIRST
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ARMY RETREATED! BASTARDS! TRAITORS! YOU VILL GO TO THE CAMPS! Heh Heh, a
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little joke, yes? Mrs. Jewbaiter, your concellation prize is the entire
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Blitz!!
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mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEIIIIII <---- Stuka diving
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TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! <---- bomb falling
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THWAP!
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Oh bad luck there, it was a dud. Right! Right! Mow her down with the
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Messerschmit! BRRRRRRAAAAPPP! BRRRRRRAPPPPPP!
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Vell, that's all for the Adolf Hitler Show tonight, but join us next week
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when our contestants will be the entire population of Yugoslavia. They will
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be playing the "Beat the SS" round where they'll be bound like cattle and
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mowed down by Germany's finest!
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Ring! Ring!
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Hello, BBC-1.
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I would like the complain on the strongest possible terms about that
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last show what featured a German war criminal. Why can't we see more programs
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about transvestites? I've been in the Royal Army for 900 years and only
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occasionally have I seen my superiors dressed in women's clothing!
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Yours truly,
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Major R.R.R. Ploesti (ret.)
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And now . . .
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Dear Sirs!
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I wish to complain about the aforementioned bit what featured Der Fuher
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as a game show host. I knew Hitler throughout the war and he only
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occasionally hosted Jeopardy. When will this end?
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Zieg Hiel!
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Mr. I.M.A. Looney (deceased)
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P.S. I have been totally insane my whole life, but I still know the
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difference between a stoat and a Stuka!
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And Now . . .
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JEOPARDY!
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Uh, yes Adolf -- I'll take "Famous German Warplanes" for 500.
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Ach! This famous warplane is currently screaming down over our contestants
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carrying a 500 pound magnesium incendiary bomb. Name it for $500 or go to
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the camps!
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Yes, it it a Stuka?
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Jumpin' Goerbles, you are right!
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mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
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KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
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Dear Sirs!
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I have been having sex since 1290 and I have learned that sex and humor
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don't mix!
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Ron the Bastard
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Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane . . .
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MMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOM!!!
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*moan*, *whimper*, *bleed*
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(Yup, it was a plane, alright. Bloody Stukas.)
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SUPER STUKA!
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YES! It's Super Stuka! Fighting for truth, justice and the German way.
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See Super Stuka as it bombs Poland . . .
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
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Yugoslavia . . .
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
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Russia . . .
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
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England . . .
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
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Super Stuka! Coming soon on NBC (Nazi Broadcast Company).
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Followed by Rex, the Wonder Dog. Rex was just an ordinary German shepherd
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until a beerhall putsch and several months in prison transformed him into
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Rex, the Wonder Dog. We talked to Rex's trainer, Rudolf Hess.
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Interviewer: You are Rudolf Hess?
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Hess: NIEN! NIEN! I am not Rudolf Hess!
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I: It says right here you are. Right on this 'ere card!
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H: It's a dirty Ally lie!
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I: You ARE Rudolf Hess . . .
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H: I am not Rudolf Hess, I am not!
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I: Then what's that swastika doin' on your shoulder then?
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H: Is not swastika! Is ancient Chinese symbol that means peace and love AND
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WE'LL CRUSH THE ENTIRE SOVIET UNION! GRIND THEM INTO DUST! KILL THEM ALL!
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ARRRRGGGGGGHH!
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I: You're a looney.
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H: Uh, ..... Look, I thought we were talking about Rex, the Wonder Dog.
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I: Yes. What DOES make him such a wonder?
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H: Well, he can sit up, beg, roll over . . .
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I: What's so bleedin' impressive about that?
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H: While he's having a Stuka shoved up his ass.
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I: (Pause) My, that IS impressive.
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H: Told ya so.
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I: So tell me, Mr. Hess, where did Rex learn this . . . uh . . . talent of
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his?
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H: Durin' the Invasion of Poland. He was stretchin' one day when this Stuka
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comes blazing outta the sky and plows right up his . . .
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I: (quickly) Uh yes, Mr. Hess. I would imagine that that particular "talent"
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would be hard to work into the TV show.
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H: Blimey! You don't know the 'alf of it! Not only has there been an acute
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shortage of Stukas since the war, but findin' a pilot that can aim 2 tons
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of plane hurling down outta the sky at 500 mph at a spot no bigger than
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a silver dollar is bleedin' impossible.
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I: Have you had a problem with sponsors?
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H: No, No! We have the people from K-Y jelly in line as well as the very nice
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folks from Tucks.
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I: I see . . .
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H: (enthusiasticlly) Oh yes! They were gonna tie in the ad with the show.
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Somethin' like: "'ave you 'ad a blazing Stuka shoved up your arse? Why not
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try Tucks to ease the pain and itchin'?" and then they were gonna show the
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dog using them.
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I: Mr. Hess, you are certainly to most revolting person I ever had to
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interview.
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H: Blimey, you haven't talked to the dog yet!
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Dear Sirs!
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I was a Stuka pilot throughout World War 2 and only on occasion did
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I plow my aircraft into a dog's rectal areas!
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Up yours, you bastards!
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Lt. Gen. A.B. Middlestone
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Eastend, London.
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Dear Sirs!
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I wish to complain, on the strongest possible grounds, about that last
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letter what was signed by a Lt. General. It is a well known fact that no
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person of rank higher than Sergeant ever flew a Stuka during the war.
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Yours sincerly,
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Rex, the Wonder Dog.
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(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
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