99 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #3
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You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what
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exactly is a "loadie"? Here is an official test to help you determine if
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you're a loadie or not: Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you.
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . .
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-----------------------------------
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* Your eyes are red even when you're straight
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* You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself
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* KGB to you means Killer Green Bud
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* When you've eaten a roach
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* When you've eaten a roach twice
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* To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!"
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* If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong
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* You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish
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* You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches
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* Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd
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* You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written
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* Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album
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* You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes
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* You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs"
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* You can't drive when you're straight
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* You've smoked your own weight in Indica
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* You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy
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following the white line on the mirror
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* You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row
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* You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row
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* You actually plan to move to Amsterdam
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* When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think
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"My hands felt just like two balloons."
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* You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the
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National Anthem
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* You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night
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* You didn't know you could drink water straight
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* You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection
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* A.A. has given up hope on you
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* You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home
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* You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store
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* Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss
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* You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink
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* You have a bong with an inch of resin in it
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* Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business
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* You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold
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* The border guards know you by name
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* You've slept eight days in a row
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* Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night
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* You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name
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* You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up
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* You've met Ed McMahon in a bar
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* You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work
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* You've taken a college-level final stoned
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* The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home
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* You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping
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for a rest
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* You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once)
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* Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya
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* Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products
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* You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your
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back
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* You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery
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* You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can
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* D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly
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* You have actually considered smoking a toad skin
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* You have actually smoked a toad skin
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* You can smoke a whole joint in one hit
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* You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written
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about
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* You've actually eaten a peyote button
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* You've actually done it twice
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* You actually admire Fat Freddy
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* You actually are Fat Freddy
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SCORING:
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--------
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1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often! Jeeze.
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3-4: Shut the door.
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5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight!
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7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies!
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9-10: Doin' okay now
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11-15: Better
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16-20: Much better now
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21-25: Great!
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26-30: Excellent!
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31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie!
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36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * *
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41-45: Dangerous loadie
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46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others
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51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets
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56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die
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60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet
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63 : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery
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64 : How ya doin' Mr. Tower?
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Heh Heh.
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(c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc.
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