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414 lines
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STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AI
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue 44 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 09/08/90
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---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
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is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
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More rantings from the Editor
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Comments on possible directions for the M00se Illuminati
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The Elvis/Boats debate
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
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Updated m00se files
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EVENTS AND NEWS
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A new landedm00se
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Rat Pucking in Connecticut
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INTERESTING ARTICLES
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Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age
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FILM REVIEW
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Pump Up the Volume
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M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
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A new look at the Iraq situation
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A possible new feature for M00se Droppings
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hail and well met.
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You now hold in your grubby little account issue #44 of M00se Droppings.
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Congratulations. Spread it far and wide, and try to increase our membership.
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Those of you who are more astute than the average toad may have noticed
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that this issue is kind of late. Well, I apologize for that, and can only
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plead lameness. Yes, that's right - I am leading a Lame Life.
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Now, this shouldn't come as too great a surprise. Most people lead lame
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lives, but most people don't notice it. As my roommate said (and as other,
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better people have said before him): You go to school, you graduate, you get a
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job that you don't really like, you either get married or never meet anybody
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who will consent to join you in that venture, and then you just kind of exist.
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The problem is, you get bored, and then you get listless, and then you
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don't get around to doing things like editing and mailing your magazine, just
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because.
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But then, you realize that you have founded a Force for Good in the world,
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named the M00se Illuminati, and that you must not be quite normal after all,
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and that goddamn it, you're going to put that magazine out because it's one of
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the few things that can counteract the drudgery of your pathetic text
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processing job. So, here it is!
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Nah, it's not really that bad. It just usually seems to be. Especially
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after being put into a bad mood by a second viewing of "Pump Up the Volume,"
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reviewed below. There have been a couple most interesting events recently, all
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of which we will come to presently.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Now we have some comments on some of my proposed projects for the M00se
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Illuminati, from MagicM00se, aka Freed0m M00se:
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Personally, I like the M00se Illuminati precisely _because_
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there are no membership cards, no dues, no purpose. Sure, we're
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all atheists or pagans, anarchists or revolutionaries, but to try
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to define the limits of our vision is to give up our freedom, our
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m00siness.
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OK, I know you don't want to push any ONE viewpoint on the
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masses of m00ses, but to organize is to label, and when we become
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known as a group we will be viewed as a group. What worse fate
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could there be for a m00se, born to know the freedom of the fjords?
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Well, that's my 2 kopeks worth. I say we stay a chaotic
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thr0ng, difficult to keep track of.
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"M00si i'halla shansu"
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"M00sey peace upon you", in the Old Tongue of Jennifer Roberson's
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books.
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The fact that no progress on any of these projects has been made aside, I
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would like to comment. I have indeed ruled out dues entirely; I don't want to
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take any steps to *reduce* membership. However, *if* we start a paper
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newsletter, there will be a subscription fee, just because whoever does the
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printing will at least want to break even. I promise you that a paper
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newsletter will never replace M00se Droppings; it will be purely for the
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benefit of people who don't have net access, but want to receive semi-regular
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news of the M00se Illuminati. It would also be useful in that it could be left
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where other people would find it.
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As for membership cards and the like, again, I certainly would not make
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them mandatory. But wouldn't it be neat to flip one out when you got carded,
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or when you were asked for ID? Probably not the kind of thing the organization
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as a whole should do; but I encourage m00ses to waste money at the printers
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having personal M00se Illuminati business cards made for themselves.
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Some people have expressed a dislike for the compiling of m00se lists.
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I'm going to continue to do this, though, because I am very curious about how
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far the conspiracy is spreading. I recently discovered that the info files (an
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old version, I believe) worked its way onto some Internet usegroups. I got
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email from a person who said he saw a physical copy stuck on an actual cork-
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based bulletin board in New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to keep
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track of all, or even most of the m00ses. But it's so much fun to wave the
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numbers at people who called me mad!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Lastly, before going ahead with the issue, I wish to keep you all
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appraised of a debate raised by last issue's not-plain brown wrapper.
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Warm00se, who I ran into again at the faire in Sterling, New York, informed me
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that the line is not "Elvis *eats* boats," but rather "Elvis *needs* boats."
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I'm sure you'll all agree with me that this is patently absurd. We have proven
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that Elvis is a superior being. What on earth would he need boats for? Elvis
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has no needs. Maybe he *wants* boats, but to say that he needs them makes no
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sense. Sorry Pat.
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For more information, go to your local comic book store and purchase a
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copy of "The Elvis Mandible," in which many secrets are revealed.
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On with the issue,
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Bill.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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Just to announce it again, updated m00se files are available. And now,
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when you order updated files, you will receive an updated m00se list as well.
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Keep sending submissions! Keep recruiting new members!
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Along with the new effort to list and keep track of landedm00ses (those
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chapters without network access), it seems only appropriate to discuss them
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once in a while. Thanks to Lord Trelf for this piece. -wrd]
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Hail and well met, my dear fellow M00ses! 'Tis I, Lord Trelf, posting at
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last after a long absence from contributing, and I bring glad tidings indeed!
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WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER! At the Sterling Renaissance Faire in Sterling, NY this
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weekend (August 18 and 19), Lady Rebecca Hughes was inducted as a full member
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of the M00se Illuminati. She had been subjected to many confusing ramblings by
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myself, Sabre, CHAOS Engineer, and WarM00se, and began to ask questions; rather
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than explain, we made her a member! To show her willingness to fight for our
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causes peacefully, she did run about the parking lot, holding her hands in the
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M00se symbol and bl00ping merrily. We who were there at her induction (myself,
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Sabre, and CHAOS Engineer) feel that she is an excellent addition to the
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Illuminati.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[A report of a m00sey event, by Pickle. -wrd]
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Labor Day. It happens every year. It strikes me as a completely stupid
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idea, celebrating labor, something that we only do because we have to eat.
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Something we do when we could be out walking in the woods, canoeing down the
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Chattooga, making love in the public square.
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But this time -- this year, it was different. The sun shone, the breeze
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was perfect, and students had just returned to the University of Hartford.
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Mike Harm and I woke up in our New Britain apartment, looked outside, and
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vowed not to spend the day indoors. Sadly, suffering from Romantic
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Deprivation, we had no special anybodys to take on a picnic, and we've already
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climbed Avon Mountain this summer, and we couldn't afford to go to an amusement
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park.
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Then, I started thinking back to the renaissance faire in Sterling. They
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had an activity there called "rat pucking," which seems to be a poor person's
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medieval version of golf. You take a rat and a stick, and you fling, or
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"puck," the rat along the fairway until you can get it through the target,
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usually the crotch of a tree.
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I suggested it. Mike decided it must be done. We shopped around and
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couldn't find any stuffed rats, so we went to my house and made some out of
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some ratty old furry fabric I had, left over from my high school theatre days.
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We constructed a pair of fine rats, Terence and Pat Buchanan by name, and
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then cut down a couple small trees for pucking sticks. After a little work
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with a chainsaw and a utility knife (with which I accidentally gouged a decent-
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sized hole in my leg), we took the assemblies to the University of Hartford,
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and began pucking.
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The Village Apartment green was swarming with newly-arrived students, many
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of them jocks and frat types. Oddly enough, none of them scoffed. We soon had
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an audience, and after our second game, two charming women came out of the
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apartment nearby and asked if they could play. We eventually picked up three
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more people, and wandered around the green from apartment quad to apartment
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quad, pucking a hole in each quad. Audiences applauded and cheered, and sent
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delegates to find out what we were up to. All in all, it was a fine afternoon,
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and the charming women (Sharon and Marie by name) invited us back to their
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apartment for dinner. It happened also to be my old friend Missy's apartment
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(Missy is another spectacularly charming woman), and we all had pesto and
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spinach salad and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
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Conclusion: Rat Pucking is a most m00sey sport, and can help you meet
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cool people. Go, and enjoy.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Who needs the Oracle? It seems we have a prognosticator right here in our own
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organization. Here is the beginning of the revelations of Lord Sabre. -wrd]
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***The Vision***
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On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week
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before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on
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the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-relusive m00se
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known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to fortell...the *Signs of
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Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would
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even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like
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rabbits through a kiln.
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Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of
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M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who
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of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly
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restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
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When the seas do turn red, and the skys indigo (in the
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precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
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then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
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our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
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and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's
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for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets,
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and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunatly, the all-powerful
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forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and
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lack of communication will waylay them for a considerable
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amount of time. Months, perhaps.
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Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying
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to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
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will be visited by God.
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"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
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"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
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"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
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forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
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"Right. Who is this really?"
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"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I
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want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair
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color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice
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to each other. You think you can handle that?"
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"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna
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will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it
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doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's
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no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I
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hear she's a sucker for a sappy line."
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"Look, I'm trying to--"
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"Buzz off!"
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"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into
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his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the
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pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign.
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"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I
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want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
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"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine
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will ask.
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"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
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Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America,
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and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make
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plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
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Sabbeth. When asked about the quality of his singing voice,
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Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather
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utterly and interfering with television reception across the
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tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite
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down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The
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scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine
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covers. This will be the Second sign.
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More signs will come forth...perhaps, with luck, the seer will not be
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nearly as tired and the general humor quality will improve.
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******************************** FILM REVIEW ***********************************
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME
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Reviewed by Pickle
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"Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark," advises
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Happy Harry Hardon just before he signs off, before the opening credits of
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"Pump Up the Volume." Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree.
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Happy Harry Hardon is a pirate DJ in Suburbia, Arizona (I'm pretty sure
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it's Arizona). His real name is Mark Hunter, his father is the new
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superintendent of the district, he can't reach any of his friends back east on
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his shortwave set, and he hates school. He's too shy to actually speak to
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anybody, so at ten o'clock at night, he cranks up the shortwave and broadcasts
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his show on 92fm. The students start listening, they start getting more active
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in their discontent with their wretched situation as teenagers in an empty
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decade, and the Authority Reflex kicks in to try to put a stop to it.
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It sounds fairly familiar, but this is a much better movie than the
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standard "young people are the only ones with a clue and should start doing
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something about it" movie. If the movie is taken the right way, it could be
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real bad for the status quo in America. "Steal the air! It belongs to you!"
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Mark/Harry shouts at the end of the film. And he's *right*. Where does the
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U.S. Government get off controlling use of electromagnetic waves running
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through the planet's atmosphere? We've had a lot of things usurped from us,
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and this film advises us to start taking them back. It made me want a
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shortwave set, anyway.
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Christian Slater, the psychopath who understood things pretty well in the
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black comedy "Heathers," plays Mark/Harry. He does an excellent job of showing
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us the confident Harry when alone, talking to a microphone, and then switching
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to the totally socially inept Mark when in the presence of others. And, as in
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Heathers, he has a co-star who I would marry in an instant, given the chance.
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I have a list of the cast, but not the characters, in front of me; Nora is
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played by either Ellen Greene or Samantha Mathis. I think it's Mathis. She's
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a dark-haired, artsy-fartsy type who isn't really quite as uninhibited as she
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pretends to be. Not quite enough to push Winona Ryder out of her place in my
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heart, but close.
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The adults in the movie are, almost without exception, total boneheads.
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Sadly, I'm over twenty myself, and so I'm no longer quite as sure of the truth
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of this as I was a couple years ago. But in general, it works.
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The main weakness of the film is the villainess, the principle of Hubert
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H. Humphrey High School. There is a totally unnecessary subplot involving her
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extreme and nasty methods of maintaining the school's record of having the
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highest average SAT scores in the state. It's almost as if somebody didn't
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like the idea that life as a teenager could suck so badly no matter where you
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are, so they insisted that this subplot be written in to demonstrate that this
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particular high school has something *really* wrong with it. Hard Harry's
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rants on his shortwave apply to Life As We Know It in America; insertion of
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this "bad guy" dilutes that message, allowing one to see the problems as
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isolated at Harry's/Mark's high school. But for those who can look past this
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problem, the movie works extremely well, and may even wake some people up.
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One final note: one of the dropouts in the film is played by one Billy
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Morrisette. I'm not sure which one; I've seen the movie twice and still can't
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pick him out for sure. You may have seen him as Alex's college chum in "Family
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Ties" if you ever watch that show. *I* last saw him when he directed my junior
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high-school production of "Bye-Bye, Birdie." Yup, he went to my high school.
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I think he graduated four or five years before I did. The lead singer,
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guitarist, and songwriter for "Chronic Disorder" and "Thick As Thieves," Jason
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Wentzel (sp?), was in my class in high school. My brushes with greatness. But
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I digress.
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Go see "Pump Up the Volume." It's good, it's hip, it's got Christian
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Slater and a new dark-haired funky woman, and hopefully it'll speed up the
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downfall of the United States government.
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Talk hard. Steal the air. Pump up the volume.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Oh dear. This piece, submitted by Ice Lord, was pirated from WEIRD-L, but
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since it came originally from the Boston Globe, I don't feel bad about
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including it. I'm pretty sure all but the first paragraph is made up. In
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any case, it fits in well as an example of both a political slant and a truly
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bizarre, m00sey thing. Also, those of us who are suffering from "romantic
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deprivation" might want to consider invading a small country. -wrd]
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BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
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Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star
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Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the
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theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm
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available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said
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Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
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made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered
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herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in
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Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for
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Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports.
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In related stories, French President Francois Mitterand offered to perform
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an act of oral gratification on Hussein in return for the release of French
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nationals in Iraq, and British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President
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Bush issued a joint statement this morning suggesting that Hussein engage in a
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masturbatory act.
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Congressional leaders are in their third day of conferences concerning
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action to be taken on the crisis in the middle east, sequestered in a Motel 6
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in suburban Baltimore. Options being discussed, revealed House Armed Services
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Chairman Les Aspin of Colorado, include a pre-emptive bombing attack on Baghdad
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and distribution of thousands of rubber party dolls to Iraqi troops.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Life according to Mugwump, and a suggestion for more m00se activity. -wrd]
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I think a m00se chased my cat away this morning.
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I'm bummed.
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It doesn't seem like a very m00sey thing to do.
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I think there are anti-m00se out there, masquerading as m00se.
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I think G.B. and his playmate little Saddy are the anti-m00se.
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Unless it's Tipper Gore.
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What do you think? Should we start giving out a prize for the m00siest
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and least m00siest actions every issue of Droppings?
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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There have been many changes since last issue, so I will send a complete
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list of Cyberm00ses after this issue.
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R -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL T
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