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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #26| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | JUNE 2, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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%$#& BEEP!
Greetings, as I sit here writing this editorial the alarm system here at
CTSTATEU has beeped 36443 times since Tuesday. Having technical difficulties
all week long..arrrrrrrrrg!!! Bet Batman wouldn't have to put up with this..
*grumble*.. Which, by the way, is what this editorial is really about. Salmon
and I were wondering how many M00ses around the CT. area are interested in
having a M00sey get-together and see BATMAN. If interested, send mail to
our Bitnet Addresses or call 224-7835. We can figure out arrangements and such
then.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
May, 26 1989
My fellow m00ses,
Tomorrow, my brother (Scub) and I leave for England. We will be there for
two weeks, doing field research for our book, _M00ses_Abroad_. The work will
be very strenuous, and quite possibly dangerous, as there are many hostile
secret societies in Europe who would love to see the M00se Illuminati wiped
out.
We will attempt to follow up on the translation of the Pnakotic
Manuscripts, which ended so tragically (as reported in M00se Dropping several
issues back). In addition, we will be searching for the legendary M00sehenge--
the gigantic m00se shrine of which Stonehenge is rumoured to be a poor
imitation.
As we may never meet again, I wish to impart some wisdom before I go.
However, I haven't got any. So here is somebody else's:
I admit that I ain't no angel, I admit that I ain't no saint
I'm selfish and I'm cruel, but you're blind
If I exorcise my devils, well my angels may leave too
And when they leave, they're so hard to find
So please call me baby, wherever you are
It's too cold to be out walkin' the streets
We do crazy things when we're wounded, everyone's been insane
And I don't want you catchin' your death of cold out walkin' in the rain
-Tom Waits
Of course, Tom Waits also said:
Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat,
Never drive a car when you're dead.
So maybe his wisdom isn't really worth that much. So let's try Elvis
Costello, who said that America is "a trick they do with mirrors and with
chemicals." Of course, Elm00se C0stell0 said it was "a trick they do with
m00ses and with assorted nutritious hostess products." Which is true? You
decide. On June 10, when I return, if I return, I will attempt to bring a
Eurom00sean point of view with me, so that we may perhaps see things more
clearly. Or less. Whichever is more desirable.
Fare thee well. I hate being watched and monitored. We can and will
police ourselves.
Pickle.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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And now, the next installment of The Prophecies of the End of Time
by resident seer [read: Drunken Sot] Lord Trelf.
March:
While roaming the countryside of England, a small schoolboy
discovers the legendary sword Excalibur jutting out of a large stone.
Within a week millions of people are arriving in England attempting
to pull the sword from the stone and become King. Margaret Thatcher
commits suicide after failing miserably to pull the sword from
its resting place. Several professional wrestlers attempt, and
fail. Finally, one man does succeed in freeing the sword:
Richard Simmons. He declares himself King Richard of the
Low BodyFat Content and declares England and the rest of Great
Britain free of The Dark Queen's rule.
Cher, The Dark Queen, refuses to recognize King Richard's claim,
but does not wish to confront him immediately. Instead, she declares
England a penal colony and begins to deport criminals, the insane,
and elderly fat women to England.
Japanese computer designers created the first voice-activated
computer. The technology was stunning, but there were problems
due to the fact that the computers refused to work if not spoken
to in a polite, cultured tone. They absolutely refused to
cooperate with most civil servants, university students, or
office workers.
April:
King Richard gladly accepts those sent to his Kinda' New England,
and immediately begins to put them through extensive training
programs. In four week's time he has them whipped into shape
and forming a formidable army. It is suspected that he is
planning to to someday openly face The Dark Queen in battle.
Envoy Software has created a program which allows even the
most surly of users to use Japan's voice-activated computer,
The BabbleTalk 2000.
Pork bellies have begun to slide down in the market following
the accidental death of a five year old girl in Iowa. She fed
some of the pork bellies to her pet pig, who then became enraged
and chewed the girl to little tiny bits.
New Zealand was over-run by armies of sheep, who slaughtered
all humans on the small island and set up their own government.
King Richard announced he planned to send an army to reclaim
the province of Great Britain. It is rumored that The
Dark Queen was behind the attack.
That is all for now. I, the Seer, Lord Trelf, shall bring you the
dark tiding of May and June in the next issue.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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Here are the words to the song "Them M00se G00sers", as I mentioned in an
earlier post. I taped it off the Dr. Demento show back in '82.
It's in 4. Stomp on 1 and 3, clap on 2 and 4.
"Them M00se G00sers"
How 'bout them m00se g00sers, ain't them cl00se
Up in them b00ndocks, g00sin' them m00se
G00sin' them huge m00se, g00sin' them tiny
G00sin' them medley m00se in they hiney
L00k at them m00se g00sers, ain't they dumb
Some use an umbrella, some use a thumb
Then up to sn00ze g00sers, sneakin' through the w00ds
Pokin' them sn00zy m00se in they g00ds
How to be a m00se g00ser? It'll turn ya puce!
Get your g00ser l00se and 'rouse a drowsy m00se!
(If you want to hear the tape, ask me and I can play it for ya.
I'm not sure on a few of the words, though.)
-B0B D0BBS M00SE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To All the M00se I've Loved Before
==================================
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've wandered in and out my door,
I'm glad they came along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loved before.
To all the m00se who've cared for me,
who made me bellow with melody,
I'm glad they sang along,
I hereby leave this song,
To all the m00se who've cared for me.
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose,
who made me glance down at my toes,
I'm glad they glanced along,
I sanctify this song,
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose.
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've trampled on and off my floor,
I'm glad they stomped along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loooooo-ved be-fooooooore!
BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se
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******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
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More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the chemical symbol for granola? It must be an element, since
it's impossible to break down (especially with your teeth).
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although granola does not break down with the teeth, it must be noted
that a megawatt CO2 laser will send little granola bits flying into the
nearest wall. The chemical symbol for granola varies with the brand, and
is usually listed (as per federal laws) on the label. The most common
formula is hexachlorodiphenylnitrotoluenatdekafluoromuraphosphobenzonitro-
chlorodipentaoxymegahydrousatamylpolypropoteflonatetriphosphopropylene.
Granola is best drank in a ten molar solution in milk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What is the meaning of life?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(editor's note--you really thought a lot on this one, didn't you?)
The meaning of life is not something that can be easily expressed
in words. It must be experienced. I suggest the following steps.
1. Carve your initials in a large bowl of water. This should
help you understand that life is a temporary, transient thing.
It should also give you a keen grasp on futility.
2. Buy a Coke, or whatever soda you like, drink it, and then pretend
to continue drinking out of the can, even though there's nothing
left. If you are convincing, you are (to everyone else) functionally
equivalent to a person actually drinking Coke, and thus, according
to many philosophers, you are actually drinking Coke. This will either
make you realise how inane philosophers are or cause you to gain weight,
have lots of cavities, and disappear whenever not thinking, depending
on whether you fall for it.
3. Think about what it would be like to be a vegetarian who only
ate meat.
4. Repeat step 3, but this time pretend it's really deep instead of
just a stupid contradiction. These steps will illustrate the fine
line between something meaningful and something you shouldn't waste
your time doing. In this case it's the latter made meaningful by
your search for understanding. At least it tries.
5. Play Oracle some more. This won't help you with the meaning of
life, but it will amuse Hal, especially if you put some thought into
your answers. Or, dare I say it, your questions.
6. send money to Chad. This is very important.
7. Repeat step 6, until poverty prevents you. Then call Stacy.
8. Go to a meeting of the Hopkins Christian Fellowship. Or don't.
Personally, I wouldn't. It's up to you.
9. There is no step 9. If you haven't got it by now, face it, you're
like all the rest of us.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Give 7 reasons why Steven Muller is REALLY resigning.
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(drumroll.....................)
Reason no. 10: There is NO reason no. 10 (hey, you only asked for
seven....)
for 9 and 8, see 10.
Reason no. 7: Muller is actually an alien sent to Earth to learn about
Hofstra. He just realised he's at the wrong school.
Reason no. 6: His doctor told him he has to stay out of the sun, and
he doesn't want to disappoint his "tan-fans," so he's going into hiding.
Reason no. 5: He's just going into hiding.
Reason no. 4: Reagan created a huge deficit and left office...monkey
see, monkey do.
Reason no. 3: He couldn't handle the guilt about APL.
REAL Reason no. 3: (I mean, you weren't going to buy the guilt bit,
were you?) He's tired of suffering biting sarcasm at the hands of
James Rosen.
Reason no. 2: He secretly believes he's the descendant of Ludwar
Gassergeth, and wants to bring Frivenmirk back to its former days
of glory.
Reason no. 1: He's a poofta.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A black cat crossed my path the other day. What shall I do?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
There are several possible courses of action that I, the inphallible
Oracle (that is NOT a spelling error) believe you are worthy of hearing.
1: Cross its path. (the get-even method)
2: Cuss and spit. (the get-mad method)
3: Take solace in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or the
member of a member of the opposite sex if you are of that bent)
(the get-laid method)
4: Using time travel, erase the incident from your particular space-time
continuum by staying in bed that day. For advice on how to accomplish this plea
se refer to #3. (the get-back method)
5: Laugh it off! These superstitions are silly. (the get-real method)
6: Pillowcase Nightshade painted whisper (the get-surreal method)
goodnight!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Does the Oracle Master ever need appeasing, and if so, where do we send
donations, virgins, and sacrifices?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Yes, the Oracle Master has quite the bizarre taste for
bimbos and various buxom serving wenches.
All one needs to do is take them into Rowland 205 and
throw them over the railing while chanting,
"ooooh oooooh Muller mania."
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Chapter Name: John Doty
Thr0ng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Keeper, Far Voyager, Dotimonster, Sveyn Egilsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Human, mostly
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___
Net Address: JDOTY@WESLEYAN.BITNET Purity Quotient: 64.7% (247)
JDOTY@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU 66.0% (400)
Tangible Addresses: 54 Home Ave, Middletown, CT "Where I Am"
3655 Anderson Creek Rd., Talent, OR "Where I Want to Be"
Description: 74 inch Biped, Medium Build, Dark hair (sometimes..."I'm in
disguise...this way no-one will recognize me") and perfect blue
eyes. Boyish good looks that last only several hours after shaving.
Scatian Device: Argent, 3 piles en point azure, a swan displayed sable.
Favourite Sayings: "Just crank the Volume to the Point of Pain. Why waste good
music on a Brain?" -Heavy Duty Rock and Roll - Spinal Tap
"Game over, Man!!" -Hudson, _Aliens_
"In Odin, we trust...all others pay in Rataan" - Kveldulf
Most seen Movies: 1.Star Wars Most Liked Movies: 1.Bladerunner
2.Bladerunner 2.Empire Strikes Back
(tie)2.Highlander 3.Raising Arizona
Musical Taste(?): Van Halen, Queen, Wynton Marsalis, Sting, Styx, Prince,
Journey, _Les Miserables_, DCI (spec. Velvet Knights,
Blue Devils), Paul Simon (w/ and w/o Art), G'n'R, Jethro
Tull, Billy Joel, and many more
Miscellaneous: Ex-Officio, Wes. U. Strategic Games Club, "The folks who brought
you ADVENTURE I - V"
RPGer (Champions, Traveller, M.E.R.P., AD&D {no, really})
Comic buyer (inc. LSH {DC} since 1977 {#224}, ugh)
Soccer addict (and, of course, Intramural Weekend Warrior)
Literate (barely) in Elvish (Quenya, Sindarin, Feanorian script)
Stick Jock, Armorer, Herald - SCA (Ulfgaard, Dragonship Haven)
Theater Major, class of '90, Acting (and hating it right now)
System Operator, Wes Comp Ctr.
Stuck in Middletown, CT all summer (call before you visit)
and Oregonian. (that's someone from Orygun, state #39)
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Chapter Name: Richard Willey
ThrOng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Duke of Chaos, Aegnor, Aggressor of the Faith,
Lord Hrothgar Hrolfsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Disputed Purity quotient: 26% (100)
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___ 37% (400)
Net Address: RWILLEY@WESLEYAN.BITNET
Tangible address: 54 Home Ave, Middletown CT. (this summer)
Bloomington Indiana (the next five years - aarrgggghh!!!!)
Description: perpetual 18 year old, "a kill crazed ferret", an econ god with
a lust for blood, 72 inches tall, devastatingly cute, brown hair,
hazel eyes, what a manical wood elf would want to look like.
Scatian device: Counter ermine, on a lozenge argent, a wolf's head sinister,
erased, sable, a chief indented argent.
Favorite sayings: "Let's kill them anyway" - Hrothgar
"People will give their lives for an idea if its very big
and they don't understand it well" - the Artifical Kid
"Make no small plans, they have no power to stir men's
blood" - Daniel Hudson Birnham
"Lord Willey would like a table for two for this friday
night" - Jennifer Minz (social secretary to "Lord Willey")
making reservations at Le Bec Fin wednesday night
Musical taste: the Art of Noise, Fleetwood Mac, Pyschedelic Furs, 'til Tuesday,
Miscellaneous: all time tunnel assassin champion, truly believes economics will
make to world a better place, Ninja high School Rocks, SCA stick
jock/wire weinie, Herbet Scoville Junior Peace Fellow, believes
squirrels are messengers God, ALWAYS in search of a Splash and
Bash.
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