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SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMS
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #25| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | MAY 18, 1989
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
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any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
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that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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BL00p!
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PLEASE, if you're going away for the summer, or if your account is deactivated,
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send a message to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU! If your messages bounce, you will be
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removed from the mailing list.
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Summer is here and finals dead in the dust. M00se Droppings will continue,
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even if its editors do defect to the beach. We hope that those of you who
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will be with us continue to send more of your great submissions. Recently
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we received several songs from the Buffalo Thr0ng, we especially liked the one
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taken from Paul Sim00se! (Maybe we should make Paul S. an honorary member?)
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Nothing else is really new in Twinkie-Land, so this is it for the Editorial.
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- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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MD reporters in Canada have been reported visiting M00se Jaw where they
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took photographic evidence of The Giant M00se. The Giant M00se is suspected
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of being the ringleader of the doubtful organization H.O.O.F. Little evidence
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has turned up to support this either way. The following reporters have been
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listed as missing in action: BackDoorM00se and Mickey M00se.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
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true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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The Rotation of the Earth shifting 1/800 of a millimeter has caused the loss
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of three coat hangers into orbit. Will this bring the end of life as we know
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it? Will the population on Alpha Centauri be wiped out? Worse yet, will they
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multiply and cause a hostile takeover of the Galactic Trade Center? More news
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at 10.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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From GypsyLynx......
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All that talk of fish in the last issue made me hungry and very
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confused....that's what I get for being a Pisces cat-m00se, I
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guess.
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A fish is a fish, of course,
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(unless its a horse)
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A dog is a dog of course
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(and never feels remorse)
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But what, pray tell is a m00se?
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(or worse yet, a m00se on the l00se?)
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I saw one yesterday in a sluice
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(sipping papaya juice?)
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CARussell
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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More conf00sing fiction from Zem00se & Gund, the hip m00se...
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*** No silly songs. Just some fiction! ***
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A while ago I posted about how I got a good deal on my '53 St00debaker by
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buying from a m00se. It was suggested that I tell the story of that car and
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how I got it.
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It was 1976. April, I believe. My current 32 Chevy truck was not working
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well. Actually, it was not working at all. The transmission (a chain) was
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bad (kinky -- the chain was, I mean). And the engine was, well, not well.
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So I decided to ponder the local automobile establishments and get myself a
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new chariot -- at least something with a REAL transmission. I stopped my
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several places: Boffo's Wheel Emporium, Smiling Arnold's, and even Fred's
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Place for Buying Cars (aptly named because Fred didn't sell iguana feed).
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None of them had the proper price on a car I wanted. Basically, I wanted a
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car with power everything, and a double-digit price tag (decimal included).
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Nobody seemed right.
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But then I read an ad in the "News and Times" (aptly named because they
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didn't report on iguana feed). The ad was from Bullwinkle's Car Shop. I
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went to see Mr. Bullwinkle, who was a m00se. First, I asked him about the
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name -- he's no relation to the famed m00se of cartoon fame, but does have
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a pet iguana named Rocky.
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At any rate, I thought it unusual that a m00se would be operating a car
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lot. I asked him about his license. That is when I learned about how m00se
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get their car lot licenses. The process is really quite simple (much
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simpler than the process by which humans get one -- but that's another
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story). A m00se must go to the "Building where Car Lot Licenses are Given
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Out". (Aptly named because you couldn't get a license to sell iguana feed in
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this building. The "Building where People, M00ses, and Bivalves get
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licenses to sell, write about, or otherwise be associated with Iguana Feed,
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is two blocks over. Needless to say, it is a very small building.)
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When the m00se arrives at the proper building, he simply walks up to the
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clerk, and asks for the license. Since a m00se cannot write too well, the
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clerk simply asks if the m00se is, in fact, a m00se. If this can be
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confirmed (a real m00se does NOT have `Made in Japan' on the antlers), the
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m00se is issued a license.
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NOTE: The next paragraph is part of `another story' but is included for
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clarity.
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Many humans, jealous of m00ses, try to get a car lot license by wearing a
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m00se costume. This offense is now considered a felony, and is punishable by
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being forced to watch all 97 Green Acres episodes with no commercials and
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no breaks, followed by someone making a fart noise and pointing in the
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direction of the felon.
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Bullwinkle had the proper license, and no Made in Japan labels, so I
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thought he was legitimate and went through with the deal. He said he didn't
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have anything on the lot that was in my price range, but there was a nice
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orange on green 53 St00debaker that he only wanted $9,799 for (price being
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negotiable. I took a look.
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The car was perfect! It was so old and out of style, it was just on the
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verge of coming back. And it had a transmission. Wonderful gears and
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clutches and valves. No more chains for me. I can tell you, I was in love.
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The blue vinyl seats and gold fuzzy dice were the final touches. But I
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couldn't afford the $9,799 price tag.
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Brokenhearted (Gee. That reminds me of a cute saying I saw inscribed on the
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bathroom wall of an Iguana feed factory bathroom, but that's a different
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story.) But Back to the subject -- brokenhearted, I went home.
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About two weeks after the initial stop, I was in a small bookstore near the
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intersection of Iguana and Vole. Back on an shelf, obscured from light by
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several large volumes on iguanas, was a book about m00ses, and how to bribe
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them. I immediately bought it and went home.
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I read that a m00se's favorite hobby is building tipping. They like to climb
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the elevator shaft horizontally. But m00ses can barely afford the Union
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Crew of building tippers required to do this on a regular basis. It is
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therefore advantageous for any person dealing with a m00se to have
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certificates for Building Tipping by a Union Crew around.
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It must have been my lucky day, as I had seven(!) of them in my wallet. I
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won them at an Iguana Feed Distributor's Convention in Deluth, and had no
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use for them as I like to climb elevator shafts the regular way -- using a
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metal box with aptly numerated buttons. So I hopped in my old truck and flew
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(OK, I did 15, but I WANTED to fly) on down to Bullwinkle's place. I offered
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the certificates to Bullwinkle if he could knock a few bucks off the price.
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I figured he'd knock off four or five hundred.
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Boy was I surprised when he said I could have the little gem for $73.
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Seventy three bucks! So I got the car, and blew up my old truck with a
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home-made concoction of sodium sumtinorotherate and Vaseline ignited by sugar
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and baking soda (it really works, so be careful).
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Immediately, I went down to the disco. I was cool. I was happy. I was just
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getting to know a nice young lady of the opposite sex, when the building
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was suddenly cleared by a Union Crew of Building Tippers. While tipping the
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building, they accidentally dropped it on my St00debaker.
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I thought I was gonna die. My car was ruined. The worst part is that
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Bullwinkle was the m00se having the building tipped.
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So I went home and had a martini, smoked a bong full of Fruit Loops, and
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took three weeks off from work. While at home those three weeks, I ate only
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freeze dried Iguana feed.
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-- Chris M00spaw
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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Lord Trelf, the guy with the pen, is back! BL000p!
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Report from the Lansing/Cornell by Lord Trelf.
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During a heavy trance [read: scotch induced stupor] Lord Trelf was
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granted a gift of foresight and was shown the future - as a matter of fact,
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the time period shown was the last year of the Earth's existence. The
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exact date is unknown, and all M00ses are warned to keep alert, and if
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they see any of these signs, they are to immediately do anything in their
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power to change the course of events - lest the world shall be destroyed
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by pillars of flame and ice glaciers flung from the skies!!!!
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January - Soviet Premier Uri Vodkadrinkski seen dancing naked through Gorki
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Park. The USSR did nothing to cover this up, nor was Vodkadrinkski
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apprehended. The next day he returned to his position, claiming to
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have "...absolutely no knowledge of this ridiculous story! It is
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a plot by Fidel Castro to discredit me. That petty little man has
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been upset ever since I took Cuba away from him!" Premier
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Vodkadrinkski then pulled off his shirt and proudly displayed
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a tatoo of Mikhail Barishnikov with the popular "Ghostbusters"
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logo superimposed over the famous ballet dancer.
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Gun's-N-Roses lead singer Axle shot to death by a man who was
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later identified to be none other than Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley
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explained in a press release that he had faked his death to get
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some peace and quiet and "...to try to forget those awful movies
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I made." However, he could no longer take it when GNR released
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their Twentieth album, which was a tribute to The King and
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featured twelve covers of Elvis' most popular hits. "Hearin'
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that stringy little punk singing 'Teddy Bear' just did something
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to me," Elvis said. "May he and Priscilla burn in Hell."
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February: The United Nations, NATO, the World Market, and every other
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multinational organization were disbanded as Cher was elected
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Supreme Empress of All. Cher, who has ordered that from now
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on she be referred to as "The Dark Queen", decreed that all
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former national rulers be put to death, that every religion be
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disbanded, and that all regal gowns henceforth be made of
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tinfoil. In a surprise move, she granted a complete pardon
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to Elvis Presley, who was sentenced to death by the former
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President of North America, President Mitchell Axle, who was
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the father-in-law of late Guns-n-Roses lead singer Axle, who
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Presley had shot a month ago. Presley was then named
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"Consort to the Dark Queen" and took up residence with
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Her Darkness.
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Also suprising, pork bellies rose for the three-hundreth day in
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a row, make it the highest-priced stock. It just barely edged out
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the CleanWipe Corporation, the manufacturers of a Handi Wipe
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that was used widely to clean up Exxon oil spills.
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The events which took place in March and April will appear in the next issue
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of M00se Dr0ppings. this has been Lord Trelf.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
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What are some nice things that you can do with a good pair of breasts?
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The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
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Broil them, sautee them, dice them into a salad, or just bake them
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and eat them on sandwiches the next day.
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Hey, what's so funny?
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
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And who's trying to depose him?
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The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
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Although we know the answer to the first part of your question is
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"Mickey Mouse", it is a little known fact that the famous rodent has
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indeed been under a number of attempts to overthrow his reign and
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institute a secular democratic state in its place. The last failed
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attempt was by a triumvirate consisting of Mighty Mouse, Dangermouse,
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and the second of the three mice that ran up the clock. It involved
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poisoned cheese and assault mousetraps and was finally foiled by a
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friendly white rat working for racial harmony. It is also suspected
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the CIA was involved.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Talk dirty to me!!!
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The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
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muck, alluvia, mire, slush, silt, turbidity, stickiness, ooze, bog,
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swamp, hardpan, percolation, viscidity, soup, axel, grease, filth,
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dung, foulmatter, coprolite, guano, manure, slop, squaler, mud, grime,
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smudge, offal, pus, dregs, and dirt will all be served for dinner tonight.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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How may we protect ourselves from the twin evils of mayo and tofu?
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The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
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The Oracle has gone to great lengths to answer this question, including
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talking in a polite and friendly way to people he would normally commit
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to the State Asylum on sight, and accordingly has learned from Those Who
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Know (Or Say They Do) the precise astral relationships invoved here.
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Because of this, I respectfully urge the esteemed questioner to listen
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attentively, because he (or she; we do have some very sensitive females
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on this machine) has become involved in some Heavy Doodoo.
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Basically, you seem to have offended the Demigod of Infinite Blandness.
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The Demigod of Infinite Blandness has become very touchy about his
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reputation on Oracle, as several of his creations have been getting more
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than the usual dirt. You have, apparently, aroused his anger. The DIB,
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as we shall refer to him, does not dirty his own hands with the affairs
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of mere mortals, but rather prefers to leave the job to his servants on
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Earth. These are many; but those disciples of his which are most likely
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to attack you in the near future are the following:
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1) Mayo. Mayo is the Vice-Demigod of Infinite Blandness, and as such
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merits first crack at you.
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2) Tofu.
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3) Steven Muller.
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4) Polyethylene.
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Muller is generally the active force involved in the liquidation, whereas
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the other three are generally passive. For example, Muller would, at
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midnight, his tan disguised by a healthy application of mayo, sneak into
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your front yard, jimmy your lock with a polyethylene lockpick, slime his
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way into your bedroom, and temporarily gag and bind you with polyethylene
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rope until a Giant Blob of Mayo, which had, after the manner of a
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monstrous albino slug, crept up after him through the open door and
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managed to embalm you, leaving you mentally intact but physically
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paralyzed. Then, like a demon out of some bizarre Biblical parable, he
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would stone you to death with bricks of tofu. The methods of the Demigod
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of Infinite Blandness are anything but dull. Therefore, though Muller
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most likely would be the foot in the door that led the way for the other
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Powers of Blandness, you must protect against all of them. My temporary
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friends in the exorcism business told me how to do this:
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1) Put a giant sign on your door, saying, "Welcome to Baltimore." This,
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to mere bystanders in the Final Armageddon between Oracle and
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Blandness, will appear innocuous, if a little bit weird. (However,
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your later actions will even more further this side effect, so bear
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with me.) Do the same to all the physical entrances to your house.
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(Including chimney; Steve has been known to parachute down chimneys
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when his master is especially outraged.) If he sees this sign, he will
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immediately remember that he is in a city to which he only comes three
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times a year (shaking hands with the freshmen, shaking hands with the
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seniors, and tuition increases). To come here any other time would
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blow his cover. He therefore will return to Bologna, while his Master
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broods darkly.
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2) The DIB will then probably try the mayo by itself. However, acting on
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its own, Mayo can easily be repelled by anything culinarily opposite
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to it. There are many such; my contacts in the Astral Underworld
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suggested Tabasco sauce. Mix up a potion of Tabasco sauce, vinegar,
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goat cheese, garlic, and any such substances. Smear it around all
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entrances to your house. Leave a pot hanging over your door. (NOTE:
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As well as an infallible charm against Mayo, this treatment also
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removes minor infestations of neighbors, friends, and relatives.)
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Carry a bottle of Tabasco sauce always with you for immediate self-
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defence.
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3) Stay well away from Oriental groceries, health food stores, Temples
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of Blandness, Tofutti stands, and anything else you think may harbour
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the dread scourge of Tofu. Tofu is not normally capable of motion on
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its own, so no special safeguards on your dwelling are necessary.
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However, beware of dull-looking strangers carrying grocery bags.
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4) Remove anything or appliance containing polyethylene or other
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suspicious plastics from your home. (Especially your telephone; many
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have been strangled by the unsuspectedly animated products of the
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American Telephone and Telegraph Co., which by the way is controlled
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by the DIB.) If you cannot find a metal substitute and cannot do
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without, at least plate it with cold iron.
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Good Luck. Although this is only a minor skirmish in the Endless War
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between Oracle and Blandness, I have been informed that the Demigod of
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Oracle himself, who we will call by the codename of HJE, has taken an
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interest in your case. Happy Dreaming, and don't let the MayoBugs bite!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Want some fries with that? Anything else?
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The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
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Ketchup, salt, a chocolate shake, and a diploma. With cheese.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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An ID from Bard..
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Chapter Name: Stephanie Manke_____________________________________
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Nickname(s): Bard, Bardwolf, whatever I feel like at the time____
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Life Form: human -- I think____________________________________
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Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
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(ok, so I had to give a straight answer at some point)
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Net Address: 24945863@WSUVM1__ Purity Quotient: NOYB*__%
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Description: tall(almost 6'), not so thin anymore(looked 1/2 ____
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starved thru high school), straight brown hair,_____
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green eyes(basically), semi-classy black wire-rim___
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glasses most the times(also have contacts, which I
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haven't been wearing) usually clad in a very bum-like
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fashion -- sweats, sweatshirt, running shoes
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Favourite Saying: "Beware the superfically profound"__________________
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Other Stuff: I like animals(have 3 cats), computers, books, things
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Celtic(esp music/tales), New Age music, fantasy/sf/_
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books in general(oops, said that already), beaches__
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forests, fires(but not forest fires), history, chess
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RPGs, and several dozen etc's______A_________________
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Things I Hate: CROWDS, most vegetables(esp cooked)
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yapping dogs, irresponsible apartment-mates('tis a
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long and sad tale) this, of course, is only a sample
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* None of Your Business
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FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
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Lord Trelf's ID...
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Name: Frank J. Orzechowicz [sounds better in Polish]
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Nicks: Lord Trelf, Wolverine, "That Son of a *****"
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Net Address: TQMY@CRNLVAX5
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Sex: Very infrequently {Male}
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Purity Quotient: Very high {See heading titled "Sex"}
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Favorite Saying: "Yo" {Old Philadelphia Greeting}
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Most Frequently Said Line: "Yeah, I'm job hunting again."
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Most Wished-To-Be-Heard Line: "*I* don't think you look like a Troll..."
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Description: Six feet even, 240 pounds, former weight lifter. [None of the
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definition I once had, but I could probably bench press you.]
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Brown hair, brown mustache and beard with streaks of blond and
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occasionally a gray hair or two {see heading titled "Most
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Frequently Said Line"}. Enjoy attending Ren Faires, wenches who
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attend Ren Faires {long story}, Pro Wrestling, reading, writing
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{Still attempting to be a published author.}, listening to
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"Flight of the Valkyrie" and "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor",
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and killing fish with The Innkeeper and Spaceman Biff. [though
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we've never managed to kill any this season, and I've never fished
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with Biff, but hey, who's keeping a score card?????]
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Least Favorite-Heard Saying: "Ya' know, you really DO look like a Troll...."
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Thirty-First Favorite Saying: "EVIL pure and simple from the 8th Dimension!"
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{Happy now Roo????}
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Goals in Life: To become and published and wealthy author in the next few
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years {so I never again have to say "Yeah, I'm job hunting
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again."} To learn the meaning of life and to find the woman
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of my dreams. {Preferably in the next two months.} And to
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give George Michael a black eye.
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The One Thing I'd Like To Tell You All: "Go get drunk."
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SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMSUIT-ISSUE-SWIMS
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