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441 lines
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #15| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 7, 1988
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
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as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
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================================================================================
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Bl00p! Welcome to Issue 15 of M00se Droppings. This is quite a large
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issue, with much good stuff in it. At the moment, I can't think of anything
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interesting to say in an editorial capacity, so I won't. Enjoy!
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< The following was sent by GypsyLynx. The editor believes that this may
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be another unconfirmed Sabre sighting. >>
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The Daily Orange, Thursday, October 7, 1988
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A 500-pound bull moose is on the loose in downtown Boston and no one has
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been able to track down the animal.
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The moose has been on the rampage throughout the western suburbs of the
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city. A local television station has nicknamed the animal, which has somehow
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found his way down from Maine, "Metro Moose."
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There have been fifteen reported sightings of "Metro Moose," the last when
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the wild animal was hit by a car Monday morning. Authorities have not seen the
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moose, who has become a folk hero in the area.
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The Boston Police Department has put an all points bulletin out on "Metro
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Moose." Anyone seeing "Metro Moose" is strongly advised to stay away from him.
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.................................................................
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All right, all right, who's been running loose in Boston wreaking
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havoc?? :-)
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GypsyLynx
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< At last, the conclusion of Super-M00se's first adventure! Read, and thrill
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to the excitement! >>
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***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
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--- ---------- -- ----- -----
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Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
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being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
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acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
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these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Please
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RSVP to Commode productions.
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When last we left our stalwart hero, his situation was not all that
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spiffy. Let's take a peek and see if it has gotten any better.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%PEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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"Urgh! Uhn! Yerg!" come the sounds of Superm00se's exertions as he
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struggles valiantly to free him self from the soon to be tightly constricted
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titanium steel alloy cables. There are few precious grains of sand left
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%%%%%%%%%%%%UNPEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Nope, guess that it hasn't. Well, now that you've had the obligatory
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teaser to keep you around for the show, let's have a word from our sponsor.
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"We at Frito-Lays would like to say that this Dorito-Breath Man is in
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no shape or form connected to our organization, no matter how fictional he is.
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Furthermore, studies show that our Doritos product..."
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At this point in the narration in walks a chap dressed in tattered blue
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jeans and a faded Grateful Dead tee-shirt.
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"... does not in any way cause a person to have lethal, near lethal, or
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even mildly offensive odors on his breath. Also.."
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"Um, excuse me sir. That last statement is a fallacy which I shall now
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prove. Witness the empty bag of Doritos in my hand. Said bag I have recently
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consumed without benefit of drink or mouth wash. Now to prove my point."
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The chap moves in front of the announcer, and exhales boisterously in
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his face. The announcer blanches and turns his head.
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"Case closed."
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And now back to our show..... (poor rendition of 20th Century Fox theme music)
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Great, Superm00se thought to himself glibly, what a way to go. First
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day on the job and I botch it.
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Looking at the hourglass, Superm00se noticed that he was almost out of
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time. In a few seconds, he would be sliced m00se. What a chocolate way to go
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(here the author indulges himself in a horrendously bad pun).
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"Cut, Cut! Man, you've got to be kidding, right m00se? That's the
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worst monologue I've ever heard. And this predicament is so, so, so... It
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sucks! You'll never get the hang of cliff-hanger episodes at this rate."
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Superm00se was aghast at this development. Where did all those lights
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come from? And all those cameras? What is this, a movie set or something?
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And who is this idiot yelling at me?
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"Well, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and so am I, but
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while I'm here, I guess some introductions are in order. I'm Brian DePalma.
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I'm the guest director for this episode, or didn't you know? I find it rather
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strange to be here courtesy of the mind of some demented college student, but
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what the hell. So just who the fuck are you?"
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"Well, I'm Superm00se." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice
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was unmistakable.
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"You don't look so super to me, m00se face. In fact you look anything
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but. So how do you propose to get out of this situation? I can only stop the
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flow of sand in that hour glass for so long, you know. In fact, I'd say I've
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got about two paragraphs left, give or take five."
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"I'm afraid I'm flat out of ideas about what to do. I hadn't really
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given it much thought. I was just going to flex my mighty m00se muscles, but
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that doesn't seem to be working. I don't suppose you could offer any
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suggestions?"
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"Nope. Not allowed too."
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After a brief but seeming eternal silence:
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"Ummmm...... I don't suppose you could let me loose could you?"
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"Hmmm... I don't know about that. Let me check."
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Superm00se watched hopefully as DePalma sheafed through the script.
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"Sez here that I can't directly aid you, so... However, I can get you
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off the set. Scenery, get this friggin' m00se off my set. NOW!"
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Two men in coveralls came in and removed Superm00se on a gurney, and
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loosened the steel cables.
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"Some free advice:" volunteered one.
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"Don't ever show your face around here again," finished the other.
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Unbelievable, thought Superm00se, but at least I'm free. Let's get at
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the swine with the unbearable breath.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Superm00se wandered down the hall, listening with his m00sey hearing
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for that foul villain.
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"Ha ha! Superm00se will most likely be dead by now! I've triumphed.
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Come children, It's time to review our demands."
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Oh, that Dorito-Breath Man. Corrupting those poor, innocent children.
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It's so, so, so.. anti-m00sey.
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Superm00se followed the sound of Dorito-Breath Man's voice down to the
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student's lounge. Peering up over the railing, he saw his adversary and his
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eight young accomplices sitting hunched down over a table, talking softly to
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themselves. Nearby was a large barrel with a box on top. Must be the bomb,
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thought Superm00se. I could give a m00sey leap at him, but those kids are too
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close, and if he breathes on me again....
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Ah-hah! That would do it. Superm00se quietly slunk away, going back
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towards the teacher's lounge. It had to be here, it had to. Rummaging around
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in the medicine cabinet in the lady's room, Superm00se found what it was he had
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been looking for.
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LISTERINE! (Dun dun DUN!)
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If Dorito-Breath Man had any weakness, it had to mouth wash. It simply
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had to be.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Superm00se stealthily moved over towards the stairs. It'll be risky,
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he thought, but it's my only chance. I'll have to force Dortio-Breath Man to
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drink this stuff. Moving close, Superm00se crouched behind a couch. He was
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very close now. Close enough to...
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"Hi there. Do you suffer from chronic halitosis?"
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"WHAT? IT CAN'T BE YOU. YOU'RE DEAD. I KILLED YOU!"
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"Dead, hardly." Superm00se replied, somewhat nonchalantly. In one
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rapid movement, he opened the bottle of Listerine, stuck it in Dorito-Breath
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Man's mouth, emptied the contents into his mouth, picked Dorito-Breath Man up,
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shook him, then turned him up-side down.
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"So tell me, how do you like that feeling of nice clean breath, hmmmm?"
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Superm00se inquired innocently
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"You, you, you, you... You cleaned my BREATH!!!"
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"That's right. You want to come quietly or shall we do it the hard
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way?"
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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"Well Mark, I have to hand it to you. You did a top notch job covering
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that story in Kansas City."
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"Thanks Cherri. Just doing my job."
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"Yeah, sure Mark, sure... So, how about coming over to my place for
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dinner tonight?"
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"Well, I, ah, sure..." Mark stammered a reply, and blushed somewhat
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noticeably. Cherri just laughed quietly to herself.
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(Yeah, well if you're a lech and expect that there's going to be
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love scene, your wrong! So there! It was just dinner! [author
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wags tongue at his readers])
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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"So why was I unable to use my mighty m00se muscles to snap the cables,
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and burst through the wall? Tell me please, oh great one."
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"Strength and maturity, as with all things, come with time Mark. Have
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patience. Besides, you truly being super would defeat the whole purpose of
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this adventure."
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"Which is?"
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"I don't know."
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-Finis-
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< Yet more random babbling from Beez, one of the most talented random babblers
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I have ever met. >>
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Beware of the newest computer virus! The virus started here at Syracuse was
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started by an irate user who was laughed at for using an IBM pc instead of a
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mainframe or Macintosh. He devized a most clever virus that takes all the files
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on your account or disk and deletes them, then replaces them with exact copies.
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These copies are exactly the same as the originals and run just as before. The
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only way you can tell if you have been hit or not is a negative flow within
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your account/disk. So next time you are working..bring your crystals and drain
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the negative forces out. Stay tuned for more news on the NEW AGE VIRUS!!
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Boston University people..someone write on the plight you guys face with the
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new dorm rules and tell us activist people what we can do to help!
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What if Unemployed Actors worked in Banks Instead of Restaurants:
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(heisted from SPY magazine..the best magazine ever put out..no doubt)
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9:12 am : Man in torn t-shirt and faded jeans enters bank: surly 'method actor'
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has finally arrived for work.
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1:28 pm : Competition amongst tellers to work at window closest to surveillance
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camera results in tears and vicious gossip.
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2:59 pm : Bank robber's forceful "Put your hands up!" unleashes frenzy of
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precision dancing.
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To spaceman biff (sp?) you may want to attend one of the central New York
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chapters of the Klu Klux Clam (KKC) which are held in a farmer's field out in
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Penn Yan, New York. Most members feel that since they have never seen the
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ocean, let alone a clam, and that they are ignorant, but not ignorant enough to
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hate fellow human beings, they decided to hate the clam.
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Pickle: add Vince Sison to the list of M00sers (VASISON@SUNRISE). He looked
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over my shoulder when I was reading and said, "That's totally warped,dude! I
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must get in!"
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I think people should support Dukakis because he has the eyebrows of a M00se I
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once met in Fresno.
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Now for some interesting stuff and true too!
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Full name: The Loyal Order of Moose
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History: Founded in Louisville, Kentucky in 1888
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Headquarters: Mooseheart, Illinois
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Membership: 1,270,000
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National Organization: The Moose Domain is governed from Mooseheart and
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includes 40 state and provincial associations and 2,074 lodges in the U.S. The
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Moose Domain also includes a community for orphans in Mooseheart and a senior
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citizens' community called Moosehaven. Moosehaven is "a city of contentment"
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where 'the meals are exquisite'.
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Qualifications for membership: Mooses cannot have a criminal record and must
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believe in a supreme being.
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Motto: "Purity, Aid and Progress".
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Symbol: The Moose,because it is a big,strong animal "that does not kill and
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protects its own".
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Costume: Moose dress is distinguished by the moose emblem: a moose head with
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the letters P, A, and P.
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Women's auxiliary: Women of the Moose.
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Initiation procedure: The candidate commits himself to the principles of the
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organization, participates in a 'Nine O'Clock' ceremony in which he silently
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blesses Mooseheart, has a Moose code of ethics (which urges tolerance of
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other's weaknesses, avoiding slander and love for one's fellow Moose) read to
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him in front of the lodge altar and is then invested by the right hand of the
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lodge governor.
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Social advancement: The advanced degrees of Moosehood are The Mooseheart Legion
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of the World, Fellowship and Pilgram.
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Obligation: Members swear to keep secret everything that occurs within a Moose
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lodge.
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The height of sublimity: The genuine compassion Mooses feel toward the orphans
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of Mooseheart.
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Height of mundality: residents of the senior citizen's home, Moosehaven,
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receive a 'sunshine allowance' of $25 per month.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< This is a letter that Kev, a new Loyola chapter, sent to Mommydammit,
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requesting information about the M00se Illuminati. It contains some
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interesting stuff. >>
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That m00se thing sounds very bizzare and uninformable. A trivial waste of
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time, which is why, naturally, I loved it.
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How does one get to respond to people so obviously in need of obscure
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weirdness?
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Let me know, I have to tell Biff that OOOH obviosly is the well known animal
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neglige store, Oliver Orangutange's Of Hollywood. He said he was looking for
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an anacronym. There you have it. By the way, don't get the edible underwear
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from OOOH, it only comes in banana flavor. Not that I've tried it...I'd never
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date an Orangutang. They're sloppy kissers... so I've heard. Plus they don't
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even like jaZz, only The Monkees. Pretty pathetic.
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Actually, I had a good friend who was an orangutang once. He dated this really
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hot babe and got her all sortsa stuff from OOOH. He was a nice guy, but he
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always beat me in arm wrestling. Strong little bugger. He never shaved
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either.
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Neither did his girlfriend, come to thing of it. Oh well, as long as they're
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happy.
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I think he runs a retail store now, he tried running a video store but all he
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would offer was Planet of the Apes and Bedtime for Bonzo reruns.
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Oh well. Like I said, let me know how to get in touch with these guys. I might
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just fit in!
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Thanks...
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Kev
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< Wolverine has sent more information on M00semas. Some of the terms below
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will be added to the M00se Illuminati dictionary. >>
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Here is yet another installment from that wonderful tome of eternal
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knowledge, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handb00k" by Andalusia
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The Heretic.
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"Gl0ssary of Terms"
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M00stery -- Puzzle, enigma: or a drama in which a hairy brown
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detective with horns investigate a murder.
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M00sive -- Huge, gigantic; as in "His organ was m00sive, and when
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he played with it the sound was indescribable."
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Am00sing -- Humorous, entertaining; enough to make a m00se guffaw.
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M00sterbation -- Autoeroticism; i.e. groping with a m00se in the back
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seat of your Toyota. Or, confabulating with your own
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gentiles until your organism is aroused. [those are
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the spellings in the book folks, not mine.]
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M00scow -- The capitol of the Union of Soviet M00sialist Republics.
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The Nine M00ses -- The spirits of inspiration and the arts. In
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traditional Discordian lore, the Nine M00ses,
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lived on Mount Pelican, and were named:
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Mnem00synee: Memory of oversights forgotten until it's too late to do
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anything about them.
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Kralia: M00zak played over elevator sound systems.
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Cleeno: History, revised or made up to emphasize the glorious
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achievements of m00sekind.
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Cloppity: Heroic poetry about m00ses, especially limericks,
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especially bawdy.
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Terpsychiatry: Dancing Freudian therapist.
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Melpom-pom: Tragedies about high-school-aged m00ses who tried out for
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Varsity Cheerleading and were rejected because of their
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species.
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Eroto: Erratic poetry about m00ses in love and one dies during
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orgasm.
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Eustace: Flute m00zak, or any knd of rhythmic noises through hollow
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objects with holes in the end.
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Polypropylene: Sacred songs about Bullwinkle, which there aren't
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any but you could make one up. Like "Never, My
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M00se, to Thee" or maybe "Good King M00sceslas."
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Well, that's only about a third of them..more to come later....
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< The Patrick Salsbury chapter, now known as Warm00se, has been busy, as
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you'll see in a minute. This is an excerpt from a letter he sent me. >>
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Wait till you hear this! When M00se board was formed, it actually took
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the place of JOKES on our bulletin boards. This meant that all the people who
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had set pointers to let them know when there were new messages on JOKES got a
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message saying there was new stuff on M00SE ILLUMINATI! Now, no one knew what
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M.I. *WAS*, and what's even BETTER (and MORE confusing) was that they got
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confused by the zeros instead of the 'o's! This meant that they were getting
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something saying "New messages in M00SE" and when they typed it, got "MOOSE
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does not exist"! Isn't that a MASTERPIECE of peaceful confusion?!?!?!? :)
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And it was an accident, too! :)
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-Pat
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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It was a glorious week for the M00se Illuminati! In addition to two
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new chapters at Loyola, one at Siberacuse, and one at Trinity, we can thank the
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Patrick Salsbury chapter (now known as Warm00se) for the addition of seven new
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chapters. We are only 15 away from the 100 mark!
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Please add:
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Loyola thr0ng KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev
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TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
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Siberacuse thr0ng VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
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Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Black Adder
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Replace the Buffalo chapter with this entire listing.
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Buffalo thr0ng V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Jon D. Evans
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V050NRGD @ UBVMSD JetStar
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V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald V. Freedman
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V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se
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V068KY46 @ UBVMSD John J. Atkins
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V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie J Hammerl
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V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw
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V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se
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