235 lines
12 KiB
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235 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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| ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 |
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| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
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| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
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| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE |
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| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
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| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L |
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| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
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| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
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| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
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| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL |
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| A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! |
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Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose
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with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember,
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only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is
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dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit
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of April.
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-Mike Oose
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M00SE DR00L STAFF
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Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
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Subscriptions
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Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
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Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
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Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information
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Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
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Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be
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dangerous?)
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NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If
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we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
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Editorials:
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From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC
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I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue
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the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent.
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Answer:
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The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of
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it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything.
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From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC
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Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and
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BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my
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wall. This is an academic system, not a toy.
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Answer:
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Phthththth. (User deleted.)
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From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se)
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You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!)
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SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph!
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I wonder if I'll have to think about that....
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Feh. My brain is starting to hurt.
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See ya!
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Answer:
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I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We
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don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have
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competition?
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From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson)
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Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread
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it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both
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the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow
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together!
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Answer:
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Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_
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help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get
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tangled?
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Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements.
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Send photo and SASE for details.
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Mooses for a Better America
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by Mike Oose (their poster boy)
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In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the
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rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on
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the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing"
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in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference
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called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We
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plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school
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near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start
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appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope
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to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I
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myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death"
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movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed
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version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards
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at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go.
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Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good.
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Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues...
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by Mike Oose
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Chapter 3
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Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
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been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
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better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
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could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
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had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
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"Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
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escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
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While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
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was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
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found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
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spied a piece of lingerie.
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"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
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passion inflamed.
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"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
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she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
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that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
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Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
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belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
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baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
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conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
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terminal of the airport.
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While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
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removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
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paid no notice, however, and continued...
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Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub <transmission complete>
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News from the Field
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ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy
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temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the
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1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging
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ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure.
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"The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably
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right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner.
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Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The
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huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through
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10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we
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can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose.
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This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways
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to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even
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charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to
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win," the mooses say in defense of their actions.
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Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this
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the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic
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AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the
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race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team
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run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and
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was drooled on until he drowned/froze.
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Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery?
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Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!)
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Compiled by Michele Oose
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10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band
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9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers
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8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid
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7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis
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6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit
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5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra
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4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang
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3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters
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2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se
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1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional
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Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the
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administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those
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annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering
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harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools.
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How To Be A Moose (Part II)
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by Manny Oose
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9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're
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eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer
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paper.
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10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will
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fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food.
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11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation.
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This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with
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us on this, so I will make this closing brief.
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Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the
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dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them.
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So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs.
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Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance.
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T H E E N D
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