311 lines
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311 lines
14 KiB
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| ISSUE 2 January 1990 |
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| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
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| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL |
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| To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. |
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We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l."
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-Mike Oose
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M00SE DR00L STAFF
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Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
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Subscriptions
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Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
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Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
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Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet)
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Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet)
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Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists
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Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
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Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU!
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Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we
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like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
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HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS
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It's easier than you think!
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(by Michele and Michaela Oose)
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I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like?
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Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before
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he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating
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a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few
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simple directions.
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II. Step two: The Attitude
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First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike
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thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with
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antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it
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would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get
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you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as
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it is.
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III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex?
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Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and
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let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose.
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BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would
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recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the
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difference.
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IV. Practice
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As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to
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the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly
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acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your
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own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls
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out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended.
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Good luck. And may the Moose be with you.
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(Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this
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intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.)
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Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story
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by Michael Oose
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Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
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been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
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better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
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could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
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had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
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"Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
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escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
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While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
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was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
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found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
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spied a piece of lingerie.
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"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
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passion inflamed.
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"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
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she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
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that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
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Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
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belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
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baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
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conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
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terminal of the airport.
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While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
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removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
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paid no notice, however, and continued...
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Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose.
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(by Manny and Michele Oose)
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Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted
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antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that
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you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything.
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Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get
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your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking
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caps.
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Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be
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a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also
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discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains.
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Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will
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not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your
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head. Floss your antlers.
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Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a
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good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in
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Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed.
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Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and
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your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from
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out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week.
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Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The
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people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy
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it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big
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surprise.
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Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You
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must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will
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find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section.
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Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting
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habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the
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first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act.
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Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your
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eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your
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Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month.
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Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese
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food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you
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serve the chocolate moose at your next party.
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Obituaries
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(by Manny Oose)
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DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989
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A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities
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completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim
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of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent
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looking animals kept here in the zoo.
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"There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat
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hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin.
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"He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we
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strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to
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get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect."
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When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm
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glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment
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that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the
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night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures.
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Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death
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of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet
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that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments
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in this case.
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Moose Tipping
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(by Manny and Martin Oose)
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My fellow m00ses...
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I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as
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"moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get
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a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing
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me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the
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mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell
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you about antler frost. What are we to do about this?
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Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on
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sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally
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oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no
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claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her
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room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed
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and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and
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notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a
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human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse
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the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start
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to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up
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screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well,
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the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and
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over the bed.
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However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses
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immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now
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hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be
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some years before she is able to sleep soundly again.
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If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they
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treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses,
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from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a
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day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping.
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Assorted Moose Curses
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(from the mouth of Michael Oose)
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"May your antlers droop."
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Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this
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curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally
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droopy dude."
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"May you fall in love with a cow."
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This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to
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media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His
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family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck.
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"May your cacti turn brown and mushy."
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No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently
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an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion.
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"Your mother wears moose slippers."
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Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out.
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"May you be stuffed."
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This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to
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have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den.
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"Bl00p You!"
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[censored]
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How to avoid being shot during Moose season
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(by Manny Oose)
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1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter
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will not believe that your antlers are branches.
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2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the
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ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to
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do with you.
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3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or
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they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a
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sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending
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up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers.
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4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you.
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5. Carry a bigger gun.
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5.1. Shoot first.
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And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month
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when Mike says...
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"Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?"
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Same moose time.
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Same moose channel.
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