166 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
166 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
_____________________________________________________________________________
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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
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------04.07.96-----------------------------------------------------#052------
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You Stupid Fuck, You don't know DOS
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by Snarfblat
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If there are any cave-dwelling bear-fucking hicks out there who still haven't
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learned how to use DOS, you might as well not bother, because it's going to
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be obsolete any day now. But if you thirst for knowledge yet have
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the IQ of wet shit, this is the book for you.
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The first step is to turn your computer on by pressing the White Power
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Button. Your computer will shoot up for a few minutes and then you will see
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the C:\> prompt.
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The first command you will learn is DIR. DIR stands for DIRarhea. You type
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dir when you want to see shit all over your screen. It looks like this:
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C:\>dir
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Volume in drive C is REVENGE
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Volume Serial Number is 1CBE-BDD2
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Directory of C:\
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STUFF <DIR> 06-24-94 8:10p
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DOS <DIR> 03-27-94 6:16p
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STORAGE <DIR> 06-23-94 6:59p
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CRAPWARE <DIR> 01-27-95 12:12a
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SNA <DIR> 09-19-94 10:29p
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CONFIG SYS 352 01-30-95 3:13a
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DUREX <DIR> 06-24-94 8:05p
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IBFT <DIR> 06-24-94 8:05p
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AUTOEXEC BAT 211 02-07-95 8:36p
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LOMAX 2,367 02-04-95 2:53p
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COMMO <DIR> 11-13-94 1:00p
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ALIASES SYS 843 11-13-94 10:04p
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COMMAND COM 54,619 09-30-93 6:20a
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DIR IR 0 02-08-95 2:51p
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35 file(s) 86,104 bytes
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9,590,784 bytes free
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I'd tell you what all that crap means but you're too fucking stupid to make
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it anything but a complete waste of my time. Suffice to say you'll have to
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use Windows, or if you're a complete peon, Microsoft BoB.
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Windows is a castrating system, which means that although it takes up tons of
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system resources, forcing you to spend money on RAM upgrades, it allows a
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club-foot, no-balls loser like you to use a computer.
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Since you insist on using DOS (Jesus Christ only knows why), I guess you
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should know how to delete colonectomy entries. There are two types of
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colonostomy entries: files and directories. Here is a simple way to think
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about it: files are bad, directories are good. Files want to eat up your
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megabitches, directories counteract this by eating flies. So you need a
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proportionate number of directories to keep your files under control. A good
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number is about 4,096 directories per file.
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== TechSpeak - For nerds only! ==
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+------------------------------------------------------+
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| If you need to use 32-bitch disk axes, you'll |
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| have to file with the NSA for a release of your |
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| Clipper priviledges. This can be done |
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| automatically if your computer has a parellel |
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| government port. Ground yourself on at least 200 |
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| volts, then open your Disk Carriage and pull out |
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| a few Capacipotatoes. They should not be hot. |
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| If they are, spray them with A.N.A.L. water, |
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| available at your local CompUSA. Plug some clean |
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| potatoes into the ANAL sluts and cover it over |
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| with a conceptual blanket of lies. Then re-affix |
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| your alcoholic motherboard to her basement |
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| compartment next to the cryogenic BIOS chip. You |
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| should see results immediately. |
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+------------------------------------------------------+
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There are a few other DOS commands, but none of them really work.
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How to OutSmart the Salesmen
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----------------------------
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What to ask for when you buy your new system:
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* Packard Fudge 486 SX
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Packard Fudge is the only brand worth buying. All the other
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manufacturers are owned by the same parent company, which gives 50% of
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its income to pro-abortion death squads. By buying Packard Fudge,
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you're making the politically correct choice.
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* 100 MegaBitches of Hardware Space
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Don't believe what you saw on TV - You need at *least* 80 megabitches to run
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graphics programs like Adobe Eliminator and Lotus Fabricator, so you might as
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well spring for the full 100.
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* 100 Megs of RAM (Rape A Monkey)
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RAM is smaller than Hardware Space, but you need the same amount. It has to
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do with Virtual Reality. Don't feel too bad if you don't understand why.
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Smoke some crack and get over it.
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== TechSpeak - For nerds Only! ==
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+------------------------------------------------------+
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| Virtual Reality is a manifestation of your |
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| computer's capacity for extended BIOS activity. |
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| Plugging too many devices into your Overall Control |
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| Unit can melt-down your artificial intelligence |
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| buffers. To keep it from burning out, you need |
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| to swap your intelligence into Virtual Reality. |
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| This process can cause an ionic breakdown between |
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| the hardware and the crystal reader, sending your |
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| system software into UUCP overload. Unplugging |
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| your monitor and jacking your RAM up into the |
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| scratch sector should solve this problem. |
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| Commanding your modem to dial random numbers will |
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| lower the NNTP levels; monitor the blinking lights |
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| for any signs of hackers dumping your VRML |
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| certificate. Note: if you have a class "B" SLIP |
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| comforter, you'll need to use hardcore |
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| handshaking to avoid TCP concussions. |
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+------------------------------------------------------+
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* Spare Jumpers (10,000)
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Jumpers don't cost very much, yet they are essential to your computer's
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performance. Buy a lot.
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* PorridgeBlaster soundcard (with gravytable prosthesis)
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Unlike the old, unreliable SM prosthesis, gravytable prosthesis will keep
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your soundcard running until the year 2001.
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The Information Superhighway
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----------------------------
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If you're retarded, you may want to try using Prodigy or Compuserve.
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Compuserve is the government's way of pooling all the freaks and housewives
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together, creating a mailing list for radiation experiments. Prodigy is for
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anyone who can't figure out how to use Compuserve. It is connected to USENET
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so that you can communicate with other degenerates without alerting any real
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people to your pitiable existance.
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America Online is a child-porn chat line with over 3 million
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subscribers. Every single one of them has the intelligence of a 5
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year old, so it's a good place to stalk people or try to sell shit
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products, preferably real estate. America On-Line users make a
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feces-covered brick look like a Rhodes Scholar. By the time you read
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this, Microsoft network will be charging $25 a month for its on-line
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child-porn simulation. Microsoft net lets you use the world wide web,
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so no matter how stupid you are, you can see pictures.
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If after reading this you think you know everything there is to know
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about how your computer works, You're Right! But that doesn't mean
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you have to stop learning. Other titles include "You Stupid Fuck, You
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Don't Know vi!", "You Stupid Fuck, You Don't Know Netware!" and "The
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Complete Pedophile's Guide to Emacs", an interactive CD ROM featuring
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those luscious information-age fuck toys, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
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==============================================================================
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IBFT: No matter how hard you laugh with or at it, you'll NEVER get it.
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http://www.amherst.edu/~mcspinks/ibft/ibfthome.html
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email: mcspinks@unix.amherst.edu
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ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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==============================================================================
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