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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
Issue 013, Vol III #03
February 1992
copyright (c) 1992
caren park
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
all rights reserved, and any/all applicable legal rigamarole
============================================================================
Well, it's been quite some time since The Humus Report graced
video screens, and we're sorry about that. A multitude of events has
happened to your editor since last I typed in these pages. I fervently
hope that it won't again be long before the next issue hits your
phosphors...
With that said, there will be a few minor changes made to
distribution. As computer networks find themselves venturing further
afield, I hope to hook up with one or two in order to get the largest
conceivable distribution possible for this humble little electronic rag.
We will also be changing very slightly the interior contents.
While the humour will not change (it will still, hopefully, be as funny and
as offbeat as before), we will be adding the occasional editorial
commentary on a wide variety of topics.
There will be semi-regular columns, too:
as mundane as a "How-to" corner;
as obnoxious as the "Revenge!" section, for those who are
seriously in need of a good time at the expense of
someone else;
as trivial as the "This Month's Trivia Contest";
as strange as the "News" section, with its "Truth is
Stranger than Fiction" theme; and,
with your help, a "Letters to the Publishing Deity"
column...
Diversification? I suppose. It reflects many of the changes
I've come through during the past two years, and where I would like this
publication to go as well...
We would like to thank Nietzsche, Voltaire, legislators
everywhere, and the United States Executive Branch for making it
exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings...
So, without further adieu, on with the show...
============================================================================
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
============================================================================
For many years, molecular biologists have been mystified by the
fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful
function.
I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA
performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents
begin as follows:
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam
*
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve
*
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit
* messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater
*
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code
* from elephant-dna.c
*
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail
*
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case
*
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine
*
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image
*
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom'
* teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate
*
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height
*
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem
*
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre
* of CD
*/
/* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
* organism to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
============================================================================
Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there...
He wasn't there again, today...
I think he's from the CIA...
============================================================================
With all of the hoopla given recently to the sexual exploitations
of individuals public and private in the media of today, The Humus Report
has decided to let you, the reading public, into the thought processes of
historical figures on the subject... Some of these quotations may surprise
you; then again, perhaps not...
-*-*-*-*-
Aristotle:
Avoid the inclination to animalistic pleasure, for it stains the
soul. Do not yield to the desire for sexual intercourse. What glory is in
following the actions of animals? Sexual intercourse involves the
destruction of our bodies, the shortening of life
-*-*-*-*-
Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E":
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.
Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals --- lions
and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime --- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were
dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one
-*-*-*-*-
Marcus Aurelius:
In the degree in which a man's mind is nearer to freedom from all
passion, in that degree also it is nearer to strength
-*-*-*-*-
Jacob Boehme:
Lust is an abomination, whether it be in the state of wedlock or
out of it. Marriage based on lust is as immoral as free love
-*-*-*-*-
Carol Tavris and Susan Sadd, "The Redbook Report on Female
Sexuality" 1977:
9% of American wives masturbate because their husbands enjoy
watching
-*-*-*-*-
Edward Carpenter:
Sex today is slimed over with the thought of pleasure
-*-*-*-*-
Henry Havelock Ellis:
The masters of all the more intensely emotional arts have
frequently cultivated a high degree of chastity... Men of great genius
have apparently been completely continent throughout life
-*-*-*-*-
Henry Havelock Ellis:
But the person who feels that the sexual inpulse is bad, or
even low and vulgar, is an absurdity in the universe, an anomaly. He is
like those person in our insane asylums, who feel that the instinct of
nutrition is evil and so proceed to starve themselves. They are alike
spiritual outcasts in the universe whose children they are --- to pour
contempt on the sexual life, to throw the veil of "impurity" over it, is,
as Nietzsche declared, the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost of Life
-*-*-*-*-
Sigmund Freud:
The pleasure principle prevails over the reality principle to the
detriment of the whole organism.
All the means that have been resorted to in order to
prevent conception disturb the finer sensibilities of man and woman,
especially of the woman, since here, as so often in matters of sex, the
man's satisfaction is largely at the cost of the woman. The supreme
objection to all methods of contraception is in the spiritual field. No
one can practice any form of birth control without being injured
spiritually.
The knowledge of the essential factors of sexuality is
still withheld from us.
The abstinent scientist can devote more of his energy to study.
Sexual excitement is furnished from all the sense organs of the body.
A child brings along into the world germs of sexual activity.
Premature sexual activity impairs the educability of the child
-*-*-*-*-
Voltaire:
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into
the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color
-*-*-*-*-
Muhammad:
Thy worst enemy is thy nafs, which is between thy legs
-*-*-*-*-
Voltaire:
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined
that virginity could be a virtue
-*-*-*-*-
Frederick Nietzsche:
Through the abuse of the sex force, man is more diseased than any
animal. Sexual license seems to be the unwritten code of modern society
-*-*-*-*-
David Mairowitz:
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't
cure
-*-*-*-*-
Plato:
The greatest cause of crimes is lust. The fire of sexual
lust kindles every species of wantonness.
-*-*-*-
Groucho Marx:
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie
Hall. It's sold out. Then, I'm sailing to France to be honored by the
French government --- I'd give it all up for one erection
============================================================================
The electric company's motto: "We love Christmas"
============================================================================
Advertisement
Name: CATT - Completely Autonomous Turing Tester
Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs
Anytown, USA (Offices around the World)
FEATURES
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video Inputs
Dual Audio Inputs
Audio Output
Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output
Auto Search for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Auto Sleep When Not in Use
Wide Operating Temp. Range
Self Cleaning
Production Details
After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM
programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject inferior
products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units. These factory
seconds may or may not perform the same as units that pass the standard
acceptance testing. All of the previously listed features are installed
during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many different suppliers, there is
wide variation between the individual units. Some of the component matching
may be so poor that a feature may not even work. Fortunately, these units
are so cheap that replacement is never difficult.
Set up and Use
When acquiring a CATT, it is best to visit MOMCAT and see what units
are currently available. The consumer should examine each unit to verify
that all I/O channels are operational. The user should also look for
obvious bugs in or on the system. Although these bugs are usually trivial
and easily removed, they are indicative of the production environment at the
local MOMCATT outlet. When a CATT has been selected, it should be put in a
suitable packing case for transport to the new operating environment.
Failure to properly package a CATT may result in damage to the unit or
injury to the user.
When the CATT is first brought up, it should be in a quiet room,
with only the primary user(s) present. The CATT should be taken out of the
shipping crate and the self learning program should be started by showing
the CATT the output bin. The next step is to show the CATT the input
bin(s). Some CATTs need more help getting started than other CATTs. If the
user already has one CATT and is bringing up a second, it may be possible to
download the new CATT from the older more experienced CATT. In either case,
the new CATT should be in self learn mode most of the first day or two.
When the CATT is new, it also has a tendency to sleep() when the learn
buffer overflows. THIS IS NORMAL. When the learn buffer fills, the CATT
will go to sleep(), and the DMA system will take over and store the new data
in permanent memory. In a few days, the CATT will be freely interacting
with the operating environment. The user should be aware that the CATT is
still too new to be allowed out of the home. Full portability comes later,
after more extended burn-in (some users never let the CATT out, this has
some advantages, such as longer unit life). You should also know that if a
CATT gets used to going out, you will have a hard time keeping it inside for
extended periods of time. One other caution: If allowed out, a CATT may
try to port itself to the other side of the street. Some CATTs have been
known to take fatal errors during this process, errors which are never
recoverable.
Your CATT should have its own system name. This name will have to
be repeated for the CATT many times so that the learn program reads it
correctly. This will be important later on when you want to get the CATT's
attention. Another way to get the CATT's attention is to boot it. While
this is a very effective method, some users feel that too much booting is
akin to abusing the system. If the CATT knows its system name, you can
cause the CATT to boot itself by shouting the name at it.
Many users want to play games on their system. CATTs play games
best when they are young. Older CATTs seem to lose their flexibility, and
their joy-sticks lose calibration too. Some of the better CATT games are:
FETCH, MIRROR, STRING, SQRT, JUMP, and CHASE. FETCH is played the same as
with the K-9 system, the only difference is that the object code must be
smaller. MIRROR is played by placing the CATT in front of a mirror and
watching it attempt to parse itself. Occasionally, the CATT will become
alarm()ed by the mirror image, panic(), and run away. Re-booting will get
it back up. STRING is a game where the CATT parses the end of a data string
that is dragged along the floor. SQRT is a game for when the CATT does
something that you do not like, you use the well known aversion to water as
a form of negative feedback. JUMP is a game like STRING, only the data
string is moved through the air and the CATT reaches new heights of parsing.
JUMP may also be played with a stairway or CATT pole. In these versions,
the CATT jumps down instead of up. Some users may combine the two games for
even more action. CHASE is a game that is played with two CATTs or a CATT
and a K-9 system. In this game, each system takes a turn as the data, while
the other tries to parse it. Many other games are also possible. Some of
these are SING and DANCE. These games rely on the CATT's desire for fishy
input data. By tempting the CATT with fishy data, you can extract many
wonderful audio outputs.
Maintenance
CATTs usually require little maintenance. Every year they
should be taken to a VET (Vastly Experienced Technician) for PM. The VET
will check the I/O ports and the operating hardware. Any problems that
arise between visits should also be taken to the VET. VET fees are usually
reasonable. Some CATTs are periodically plagued by heat problems. A trip
to the VET can fix this problem permanently.
Conclusions
As CATTs get older they generally become more docile. The learn
program becomes more efficient and they sometimes get too smart for their
own good. Some CATTs even start to watch television (encourage them to
watch NOVA, as it is good for them, especially shows about birds and
spiders). Another good thing for CATTs is tropical fish (yes, it is hard to
believe, but they do start hobbies). Most CATTs also like to have a few
toys. This is OK until they rip them open to see what is inside. A
properly cared-for CATT can give you years of steady service. Many users
like the first so much that they will get a second or even third CATT. Most
people really don't need all the extra capacity, but they enjoy the more
complex games that can be run. I'd like to hear from other CATT users if
they have any special application programs available. If there is enough
interest, maybe we can start a news group called net.micro.catt.
============================================================================
You know, there's a lot to be said for having an answering
machine. There's also quite a bit to be said for having a surreal answering
machine message.
Why?
Well, you see, it's like this. For myself, I have a strange sense
of humour, and I enjoy "making your day." But, I also HATE being
interrupted by those who (1) don't know me, wanting to (2) sell me
something I have (3) no use for whatsoever.
For this alone, the need for a machine that entertains AND screens
is a must. For this alone, we provide the following...
-*-*-*-
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Calvin: Make everyone's day a little more surreal
- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" -
-*-*-*-
We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account
number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval
-*-*-*-
A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went
out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep,
gravely, horror-film voice he recorded:
"HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME
AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER"
-*-*-*-
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because --- HEY, GEORGE!
DON'T STAND ON THAT --- goddamn it!... because I've invited George and
Barbara Bush over <loud music cuts in>... BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH
THAT!... over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG!
MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! shit... Leave a message after the tone... HEY,
FUCKHEAD...<beep>
-*-*-*-
I'm home right now... I'm just screening my calls. So just start
talking and if you're someone I want to speak to, I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?
-*-*-*-
Hello?
<pause for a few seconds>
Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get
back to you
-*-*-*-
(sound of loud music in background):
Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person
running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back
to phone)
OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this? well, hi! uh, huh...
yeah... well, listen, you're talking to a machine
-*-*-*-
"Hello?" <beep>
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you
-*-*-*-
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to
the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you
I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing
-*-*-*-
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please!
Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-*-*-*-
Sometimes, I set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls,
they hear a busy signal
-*-*-*-
And, of course, one of MY favourite ways to repel telephone
solicitors:
"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation,
I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, and date of expiration"
-*-*-*-
Finally, this cute little piece was found on Usenet a few years
back... It's pretty self-explanatory...
Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech
telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a
survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they
won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
One day, my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and
her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without
having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The
conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a
telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? *BEEP*"
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and
thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response)
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-
22222. Is that correct? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
*BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? *BEEP*"
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*"
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again
============================================================================
For those who are into puzzles, we offer this next item. It has
been around for a very long time, and yet it always seems to amaze...
There are probably many among you who have seen the puzzle before, yet
cannot remember the solution, thus requiring still another "go at it"...
Oh, yeah... One Year Free Subscription to the first registered
user that gets the correct answer... Have fun... :)
-*-*-*-
Ten weary, footsore travelers,
All in a woeful plight,
Sought shelter at a wayside inn
One dark and stormy night.
Nine rooms, no more, the landlord said,
Have I to offer you,
To each of eight a single bed,
But the ninth must serve for two.
A din arose. The troubled host
Could only scratch his head,
For of those tired men, no two
Would share a single bed.
The puzzled host was soon at ease,
He was a clever man.
So to please his guests, devised
This most ingenious plan.
In room marked A, two men were placed
The third was lodged in B
The fourth to C was then assigned
The fifth retired to D.
In E the sixth, he tucked away
In F the seventh man.
The eighth and ninth in G and H
And then to A he ran.
Wherein the host, as I have said,
Had laid two travelers by.
Then taking one - the tenth and last,
He lodged him safe in I.
Nine single rooms, a room for each,
Were made to serve for ten;
And this is it that puzzles me,
And many wiser men
-*-*-*-
Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows?
- Karel Capek -
============================================================================
Now, we come to my favourite section, "The News Slick," where truth
is almost always stranger than fiction... It's doubtful that anyone could
make up better news than what the normal wire services provide on an almost
daily basis... With that in mind, here's all the news that fits to
print... Enjoy!
-*-*-*-
A woman aboard a flight from Berlin to Tel Aviv tore off her
dress and, completely naked, shouted "Bring me Shamir! I want Shamir!"
She was apparently referring to Israel's 75-year old prime minister
- Seattle Times, 10 August 1991 Off the Wire -
-*-*-*-
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in
the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause
massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural
industry
- Letters to the Editor, The Times of London -
-*-*-*-
If your life expectancy or that of your spouse, is refigured
annually and either of you dies, the remaining life expectancy of the one
who died is reduced to zero in the year after death
- From Publication 590, Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs),
by way of The New Yorker, January 15, 1990 -
-*-*-*-
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered
severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency
landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped
immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had
been jogging in place inside
-*-*-*-
An argument over what kind of underwear --- if any --- a female
pool player was wearing led to the shooting of one man and the arrest of a
second.
Mike Rowland, assistant Franklin County state's attorney, said the
two men had been drinking Saturday night in a Benton bar. "People said they
had been betting on everything imaginable, and one bet came down to whether
a lady pool player was wearing any underwear, or what kind," Rowland said.
"One thing led to another and they went outside and one guy shot the
other."
"I don't know who won the bet, or how it went," Rowland added
- 30 March 1989 Benton Illinois Seattle Times -
-*-*-*-
Student Republicans will hold a "First Annual Nixon Memorial Trick
or Treat Dance" here November 1st, and give away a tape deck and 60 minutes
of erased tape as a door prize. Local merchants say sales of Richard Nixon
masks have been brisk in anticipation of the fund-raising event, sponsored
by the Collegiate Republicans of Oklahoma State University.
To promote the event, club member David Rumph, made up to resemble
Richard M Nixon, will ride in the school homecoming parade Saturday. "We've
got a long black car and are going to have six guys dressed in dark suits
and sunglasses walking alongside," said Matt Seward, president of the club.
GOP leaders, including state Republican Chairman Rick Shelby, have
said they may attend the Nixon dance.
"We just want to get across the idea that we're a fun club," Seward
said. "Besides offering a chance to learn about and participate in the
political process, our members have a good time"
- 15 October 1977 Stillwater Oklahoma AP -
-*-*-*-
We were assembled to meet Her Majesty and Prince Philip, and
when she got to me, she asked what exactly I did in the movie. I said I
was director of photography, to which she replied, "Oh, how terribly
interesting. Actually, I have a brother-in-law who is a photographer."
I replied, "Oh, how terribly coincidental. I have a
brother-in-law who's a queen"
- David Semler, "Dances with Wolves" Oscar-winning photography
director -
============================================================================
EDITORIAL COMMENTARY:
It has pained me recently to be witness to the seeming
disintegration of American News Reporting. Television and print media
appear to be hung up on producing the least amount of Real News and
saturating the minds of its consumers with the greatest amount of sexual
titillation and mindless entertainment possible.
Witness the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas debacle, quickly
followed by the William Kennedy Smith trial. We were treated to hours of
speculation and apparent newsworthiness when the Real World was changing
dramatically, affecting the generic US far more than either of the above
cases.
Don't make the erroneous assumption that I wasn't interested in
the outcomes of those two news items. Let it be said, however, that they
were just that: ITEMS. They were not the sole and overriding news of the
day. CNN, which was so magnificent during the Persian Gulf war was among
the worst of the offenders, covering them both to the virtual exclusion of
all other pertinent News.
I hesitate to believe that the whole of the United States news-
consuming public watches, and that all we are seeing from the apparent
proliferation of these programs is what "America wants to see." If that is
the case, this country is in much sadder mental shape than I had previously
thought possible.
-*-*-*-
Maturity is reached the day we don't need to be lied to about
anything
============================================================================
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that
mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that
axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than
myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of
currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!"
A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing
here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send
your non-tax-deductible subscriptions and donations in whatever amounts
please you to:
caren park
2557 - 14th avenue west
suite 501
seattle, washington 98119
(01 January 1992)
We will acknowledge, in print, messages from our reading public
with the warmest thoughts for our survival...
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no
other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one
else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all
death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left.
The rest is up to you...
We would appreciate it: (1) if you should see non-attributed
copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take
appropriate actions; (2) if you like what we do here, please donate or
subscribe with dollar amounts you feel appropriate and helpful, so that we
can continue to bring you this stuff on a regular basis...
We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a
Fortune-like program) from which everything you will see here can be found,
and then some. For a nominal cost per year ($25 US), I will provide the
latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the
datafile to you... Address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile
to the address above...
We leave you now with a last thought...
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Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you
do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp
it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and
faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever
achieved without enthusiasm
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -
...until next month...
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