693 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
693 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
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********* *** *** ******
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********* *** *** *** *
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** ********* *******
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
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in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
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Issue 012, Vol III #02
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February 1990
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copyright (c) 1990
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caren park
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chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
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all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole
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============================================================================
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Weather Words:::
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Have you ever noticed how many conversations start out with "How's
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the Weather"? If you were in Seattle recently, you would have seen Heavy
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Rain (which, for Seattle, is unusual), sleet, SNOW, blue skies, WIND, and a
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partridge in a pear tree... All in the space of several hours, and most
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occuring several times...
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Even with all the tumultous goings on outdoors, The Humus Report
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(applause sign just went on, with a hairy hand wildly spinning the volume
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dial towards 11 ["...but OUR dial goes to 11 when we need that little extra
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'something'..."]) continues to be on the forefront of, well, whatever it is
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in the forefront of...
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We would like to thank
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a cast of twenties, legislators everywhere, and the United States Executive
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Branch for making it exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings...
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So, without further adieu, on with the show...
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============================================================================
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"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
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============================================================================
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For those Robin Williams fanatics out there (and you know who you
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are), here is a quick fix...
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.....
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Golf is the only game in which middle-aged, middle-class white men
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can dress like pimps
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.....
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On his theory on life:
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Life is like a big fan, and sometimes the kaka hits it
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.....
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Some people name their children after names in the bible. I'm going
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to use the TV Guide
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============================================================================
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Astrology Law:
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It's always the wrong time of the month
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- Rozanne Weissman -
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-----
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One of the things I enjoy most is traveling. I LOVE to travel. One
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of the things I HATE about traveling is "getting there." Now, I realize I
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might sound just a bit contradictory, but I'm sure there are others out in
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the viewing audience for whom this rings a familiar bell. EVERY time I
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travel alone, something strange happens.
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For example, how often is it that I can fly from Washington DC's
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National Airport to Los Angeles (LAX, about 3000 miles away) in less time
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(several hours different) than it takes to get from LAX to Ontario Airport
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(40 miles +/-) on the ground by "Rapid Transit"? And I had to change planes
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in Minneapolis. And terminals. Carrying a computer and briefcase through
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metal detectors. And the plane was late taking off at EVERY landing.
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With that in mind, I think you'll enjoy the following. I have no
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idea who this young man is, but my heart goes out to him...
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-----
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Hotel Soap Nightmare
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By way of preface, this story was transmitted over a travel agency
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computer network. I cannot vouch for its authenticity and I haven't
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corrected any grammatical or typographical errors.
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Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different
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from those you usually see. It was submitted by a London hotel and, believe
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it or not, is true. The hotel is a place that gives *free* soap:
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Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
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bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
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unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
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three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, <signed> S
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Berman
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Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back
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tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
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of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf
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I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
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case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
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left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
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soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. <signed> Kathy, Relief
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Maid
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Dear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
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you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got
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back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the
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shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two
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weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little
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Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing
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teeth, etc. Please remove them. <signed> S Berman
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Dear Mr Berman, My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid
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left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I
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took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in
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the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine
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cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary
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soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all
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new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
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last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
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<signed> Your regular maid, Dotty
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Dear Mr Berman, The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me
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this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy
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with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
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hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If
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you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my
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personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank
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you. <signed> Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
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hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's
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the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
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only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of
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soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in
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today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
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along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5
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days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this
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to me? <signed> S Berman
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Dear Mr Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop
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delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can
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be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and
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5PM. Thank you, <signed> Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mr Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was
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taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last
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night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
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<signed> S Berman
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Dear Mr Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of
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your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in
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your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap
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each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified
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immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
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<signed> Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
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came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
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bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
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have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give
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me back my bath-size Dial. <signed> S Berman
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Dear Mr Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I
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had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your
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soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which
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had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
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I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
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maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also
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brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you
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got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate
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some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. <signed> Elaine
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Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
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inventory. As of today I possess:
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.1. On shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of four
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and 1 stack of two
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.2. On Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of four and 1 stack
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of three
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.3. On bedroom dresser: 1 stack of three Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack
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of four hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks
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of four
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.4. Inside medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of four and 1
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stack of two
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.5. In shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very moist
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.6. On northeast corner of tub: 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
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.7. On northwest corner of tub: 6 Camays in 2 stacks of three
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Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
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neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
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have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in
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use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more
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item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in
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the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. <signed> S
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Berman
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-----
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KITCHEN MUNCHER, 34, sixty pounds over, patiently browsing for quiet
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girlfriend who cooks well, or writes good Z80 code, or just feels contented
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with me
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- The Weekly Personals Column, August 13 - 19, 1986 -
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============================================================================
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The following is dedicated to those who enjoy getting odd things in
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the mail. It consists of excerpts from HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL, a book by
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the Reverend Ivan Stang of the SubGenius Church. He reels off an impressive
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list of closet fanatics, weird scientists, UFO cults, Fort followers, Tesla
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physics enthusiasts, and a few who are sooooooooo crazy they just might have
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a point.
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I present a few examples below --- Stang lists names, addresses,
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phone numbers (rarely) and gives each organization a brief description. If
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anyone out there has any more information of this kind, or interesting
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stories to tell, please send them to me.
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Two final notes: "Bob" is the mythical being worshipped by many
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SubGenius members, and Stang warns against using one's own name and address
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when writing "as insurance against Klansmen and Moonies showing up at your
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door. It won't stop the Feds, though!" [Stang himself claims never to have
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been accosted despite many years of using his home address --- then again he
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also claims to have guard dogs and elaborate security systems around his
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home]
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-----
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Breatharians
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PoBox 833
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Larkspur, CA 94939
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Eating is merely an acquired habit. Wiley Brooks, the guru of
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Breatharianism, espouses a system of physical vitality by which one may stop
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eating and drinking entirely, and live, lichenlike, off light and air.
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"Modern man is the degenerate descendant of the Breatharian, and has
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descended through five stages: Breathanrianism, Liquidarianism,
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Fruititarianism, Vegetarianism, and Carnivorism."
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This health cult's faith was severely shaken when Brooks was
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discovered to have been sneaking out at night and buying junk food at
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convenience stores for all these years. Presumably his followers have
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forgiven this serious backsliding, but it's left them on shaky ground, so
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don't send money until you ascertain that they're still there
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-----
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Chick Publications
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PoBox 662
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Chino, CA 91710
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Learn to HATE for GOD. These are those tiny rectangular "Christian"
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comic books that grinning zombies hand you on the street --- the ones with
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atrocious art and an almost pre-human level of sheer, unbridled hate,
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manipulating the lowest human religious instincts. Not exactly a "turn the
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other cheek" philosophy. These have probably turned more people OFF to
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Jesus than any other Christian publication. If THE DEVIL has been looking
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for something to make Jesus look bad, this is it.
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Chick depicts with all-too revealing glee, the eternal suffering
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that awaits Jews, Catholics, unbaptized babies, people who cuss, and anyone
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else slightly less consumed with hate and fear than he is. These rank right
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down there with the craziest Nazi UFO ranting, yet to many ignorant racists
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these are Truth. Terrifying.
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$5 for sample assortment of comics, and price list. But if you
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pretend you're the dumbest jackass in the world, he may well identify with
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you and send you many freebies
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-----
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Church of Beaver Cleaver
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122 East Benson Street
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Decatur, Georgia 30030
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Self-explanatory. Send a buck for detailed information of the Holy
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Trinity of "Beaver, Eddie, and Wally"
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Creation/Evolution
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Box 146, Amherst Branch
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Buffalo, New York 14226-0146
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A newsletter monitoring the Creationists' relentless efforts to
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supplement textbooks with superstition. Also spotlights everything that's
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unforgivably ludicrous in Creation Science, and clarifies common
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misinterpretations of evolution. Creationists call modern science
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guesswork. Yes; that's why it's science and not divine revelation. Real
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scientists don't claim infallibility; they're ready to be wrong (ideally),
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so that they can move on to the next thing. Creationists are right, period,
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because the Bible said so. 'Nuff said! $9/four
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-----
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If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because
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you don't know enough to know better
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- Jay Weisman -
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============================================================================
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Government expands to absorb revenue --- and then some
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- Tom Wicker -
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If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading
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the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
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statecraft.) Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone
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directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles
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beginning with the word "National"
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- George Will -
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---
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Archaic, obfuscating, impenetrable, traditional legal verbiage is
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under attack and --- incredible but true --- the call for a sharper blue
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pencil is emanating from an attorney.
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In "Lawyers on Trial" (Times Books), a kick at the class bias of the
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legal profession set for the September publication, author/attorney Phillip
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M Stern tells how officials at Citibank of New York wanted to simplify the
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language in the bank's loan agreements, but were forced to first engage in
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"protracted battling" with their legal staff. Not surprisingly, the bank's
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lawyers did not openly take the position that legal jargon is employed to
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ensure the public's need to use lawyers. Citibank instituted the change
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anyway in 1977. Here is the Old versus the New:
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Old Loan Agreement (368 words):
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In the event of default in the payment of this or any other
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Obligation or the performance or observance of any term or covenant
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contained herein or in any note or other contract or agreement evidencing or
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relating to any Obligation or any Collateral on the Borrower's part to be
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performed or observed; or the undersigned Borrower shall die; or any of
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the undersigned become insolvent or make an assignment for the benefit of
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creditors; or a petition shall be filed by or against any of the
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undersigned under any provision of the Bankruptcy Act; or any money,
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securities or property of the undersigned now or hereafter on deposit with
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or in possession or under the control of the Bank shall be attached or
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become subject to distraint proceedings or any order or process of any
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court; or the Bank shall deem itself to be insecure, then and in any such
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event, the Bank shall have the right (at its option), without demand or
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notice of any kind, to declare any part of the Obligations to be immediately
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due and payable, whereupon such Obligations shall become and be immediately
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due and payable, and the Bank shall have the right to exercise all the
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rights and remedies available to a secured party upon default under the
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Uniform Commercial Code (the "Code") in effect in New York at the time, and
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such other rights and remedies as may otherwise be provided by law. Each of
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the undersigned agrees (for the purposes of the "Code") that written notice
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of any proposed sale of, or of the Bank's election to retain, Collateral
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mailed to the undersigned Borrower (who is hereby appointed agent of each of
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the undersigned for such purpose) by first class mail, postage prepaid, at
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the address of the undersigned Borrower indicated below three business days
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prior to such sale or election shall be deemed reasonable notification
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thereof. The remedies of the Bank hereunder are cumulative and may be
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exercised concurrently or separately. If any provision of this paragraph
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shall conflict with any remedial provision contained in any security
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agreement or collateral receipt covering any Collateral, the provisions of
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such security agreement or collateral receipt shall control.
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New Loan Agreement (30 words):
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I'll be in default if I don't pay an installment on time, or if any
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creditor tries by legal process to take any money of mine in your
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possession.
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In 1979, two years after the reform had taken effect, it had not
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resulted in any litigation
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-----
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A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
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the first time
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- Alfred E Wiggam -
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============================================================================
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If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have
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the strength
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- Flip Wilson -
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-----
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The NEWS... All the News that Fits, We Print... It's really hard
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to believe there are people out in the Great Big Beautiful World who are
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really as stupid as those we've chosen for this month's installment...
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Check it out... :)
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-----
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An angry bank customer in Doraville, Georgia, has been charged with
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a felony after he physically attacked and beat an automated bank teller
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which refused to return his bank card. Police report that "Tillie," the
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mechanical teller, "was assaulted and suffered internal injuries" after John
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Hulme beat the machine with a heavy instrument. Tillie, with $1,000 in
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damages, has yet to explain why she refused to return Hulme's card
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-----
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Another "dumb robber" was caught by the police last week.
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In College Park, Georgia, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered
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a La Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled
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out his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is
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that the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police
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officer standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but
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the hotel security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest.
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The local television stations showed the tape on the evening news
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-----
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A panic-stricken woman in Hamilton, Ontario, called police after
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hearing strange, bird-like noises coming from her balcony. She went out to
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investigate, she said, and found a 200-pound man swinging happily from the
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railing above --- completely nude, except for a heavy growth of feathers
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apparently sprouting from the top of his head. Police failed to apprehend
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the feathered fiend
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-----
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Armed with "a little extra spending money, their favorite toys and a
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belief that driving looked easy, an 8-year-old boy and his preschool brother
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decided to drive their mother's car to Chicago.
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Andre Anthony, the elder boy, took the wheel as he and step-brother
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Bobby McGowan, 5, started the car. They hit a utility pole, backed again,
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but sideswiped a parked Cadillac. The car lurched forward again, jumped a
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curb, hit a fence, then a house, and came to rest against a tree
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- Muskegon Michigan -
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-----
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A short lesson in how to give a bank robber the slip: A man walked
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into Chicago's Ravenswood bank, waited in a long line and then handed teller
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Michele August a note demanding $6 million in unmarked bills. Snapped Miss
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August, "You know, you've got to have a withdrawal slip for this much
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money." She directly him to a counter where he could fill out the form,
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meanwhile calling police. When the man reached the cage again, a bank
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officer asked to see the slip, which the man handed over rather nervously.
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The officer pointed out that the figure on the form was only $6,000. "Oh,
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that's a mistake," the man said. "I forgot to add enough zeroes." By the
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time he had finished adding the zeroes, police had shown up and arrested
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Ignacio Portello, 30, a victim of red tape
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-----
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As the young lady most likely to succeed in selling furnaces to Fiji
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Islanders, we nominate the teller in Manhattan's Amalgamated Bank who
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replied regretfully when a greenhorn holdup man sidled up to her window and
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demanded money, "We haven't got any." He shrugged, turned and walked away
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-----
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At last, an electric cow. Richard Glaser, operator of a saddle shop
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in suburban Roseville, says his mechanical cow is better than the other kind
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for one purpose: training horses for ranch work. Glaser's three-wheeled,
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four-battery cow can run with six or eight horses without having to stop for
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recharging. He said it will take the place of 10 of the live cows he uses
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to train horses, but the electric cow has to have a driver inside.
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For $3,395, it's available in Hereford, Black Angus, Black Whiteface
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or Brahman
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- Sacramento -
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-----
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"Police battled a gang of bandits in southern Thailand Saturday.
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One bandit was killed. A police spokesman said the battle began when the
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bandit gang, disguised as policemen, challenged a group of policemen
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disguised as bandits"
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-----
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A woman went into her local phone center to buy an extension phone
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for her den. She was carrying a plastic bag and when she found a suitable
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looking phone she opened the bag and extracted a dead opossum. When
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queried, she said, "Oh, I was just on the way to the taxidermist to get it
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stuffed and I came in here to buy a phone to match the fur"
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-----
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There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish
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sometimes
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- Dr Who -
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We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it
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- Whole Earth Catalog -
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============================================================================
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There should be a Nobel Prize for wit. Physicists, chemists,
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economists we can, in a pinch, do without. Peace we generally DO do
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without. Wit is indispensable
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- George Will, Washington Post -
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-----
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Ah, revenge! What vile plottings our minds deal to us in the
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privacy of our own heads... Well, some folks have actually DONE what they
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plotted, and we've a few of those here today... Enjoy...
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-----
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Lyle was a guy nobody could stand. Even his own roommate wanted to
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annoy the poor son-of-a-bitch. So he asked us to call him up ---
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constantly. Which we would do, around the clock, usually making silly
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noises. An EECS major had access to a voice synthesis program at school,
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and he had the computer (it sounded like a Dalek from Dr Who) say, "Lyle
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Lastnameomitted must die!" endlessly, until Lyle would hang up. Fun stuff,
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huh? It gets better.
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This same EECS fellow programmed a computer to dial Lyle's phone
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number continuously, and the minute he answered the phone, to hang up. The
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result: the phone rang 24 hours a day. Whenever Lyle picked up the phone,
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the computer would hang up. He wouldn't even have the chance to put the
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phone to his ear; the line would be dead. Then, milliseconds after he
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placed the phone on the hook, it would ring again.
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The guys from Bell showed up; they figured from the report that
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someone green-wired Lyle's phone (this involves disconnecting a certain wire
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inside the transmitter or receiver; it could be done in a matter of
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seconds, when the victim went down the hall to the bathroom, for instance;
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the phone rings continuously, and cannot be answered --- you pick the phone
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off the hook, and the damned thing keeps on ringing. Of course, when the
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caller hangs up, the phone will stop ringing). The guy from Bell was
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stumped; he took the whole phone apart, and put it back together, and he
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still couldn't stop it from ringing without disconnecting it. Of course, he
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never figured that something was actually dialing the number continuously.
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As for Lyle, he lost a lot of sleep that week
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-----
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My roommate and I decided a different kind of stereo war was in
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order with the friends across the hall, so while they were gone one evening,
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we unhooked the wires from their stereo speakers, and instead plugged in
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wires that lead to our stereo across the hall. We ran them unseen along the
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wall, out the door, under the hall rug, and into our room.
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We got an album of haunted-house sound effects, and waited...
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About an hour after they went to bed, we put the album on, and at
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the "torturing screams" part, switched to their speakers and cranked the
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volume.
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The best part of the whole prank was hearing the screams loud and
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clear in the dead (sorry) silence, and then hearing the resulting crashing
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and bumping as they frantically tried to figure out what was happening.
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We later got the pictorial description of one of them turning on-
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off-on-off the stereo switch with wide eyes
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-----
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Pranks for the working environment: Desk drawer confetti. This one
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takes a little preparation before hand.
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Materials:
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Several STURDY rubberbands
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2 binder clips(those black metal clip things)
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Some paper or thin cardboard
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Tape
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LOTS of confetti (paper-punch holes work GREAT)
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Cut the paper/cardboard into strips to form sturdy paddles. Tie the
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rubberbands end to end to form one long band. Tape the paddles to the
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rubberband in decent increments. You now have a paddle wheel that, when
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stretched and wound, will act as a shoveling fan.
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Open someone's middle desk drawer, and remove the pens, etc, from
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the pencil tray in the front. Stretch the rubberband paddle across the
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width of the desk over the pencil tray, and clamp it down with the binder
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clips. Remove the binder clip handles, and check to see that they will
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clear when the drawer is closed. Wind the paddle up so that when it is
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released, it spins the bottom of the paddle toward the victim first --- a
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shoveling effect. Once it is wound fairly tightly, pour the confetti into
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the pencil tray.
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Now the hard part --- with the paddles held horizontally, GENTLY
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slide the desk drawer closed enough to hold the paddles in place until it is
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opened. The trap is set. Whenever the drawer is pulled open, the paddles
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will unwind quickly and shovel/fan the confetti all over the place!
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-----
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His style has the desperate jauntiness of a orchestra fiddling away
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for dear life on a sinking ship
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- Edmund Wilson -
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============================================================================
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And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that
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mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that
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axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than
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myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of
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currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!"
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A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
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If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
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and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
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non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
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caren park
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2557 Fourteenth Avenue West
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Suite 501
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Seattle, Washington 98119
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(01 January 1992)
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We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
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our survival...
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If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
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use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
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take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
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litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
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Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all death
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threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The
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rest is up to you...
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We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
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for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
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to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
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material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
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actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
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appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
|
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month...
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We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a Fortune-like
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program) from which everything you will see here can be found, and then
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some. For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the
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ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... Address
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inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address above...
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A donation of $40 per year will deliver to your doorstep
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approximately 1 megabyte worth of weird and strange, specially formatted for
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use with the CKPMSG program...
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We leave you now with a few thoughts...
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom
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of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break. Believe the
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best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up --- or down ---
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to your opinion of them. Remember that true friendship is the basis for any
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lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the
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courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends. Please hand this down
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to your children and your children's children. The more things change, the
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more they are the same
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- Jane Wells, 1886 -
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-----
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We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it
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- Whole Earth Catalog -
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...until next month...
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